Saturday, November 10, 2018

Thoughts flowing around my head

     Lately, there has been a lot of thoughts that have been going around my head, and it is becoming harder to put my thoughts together, especially because they seem to be conflicting with each other. So i guess for me the best way to figure things out is to lay them out in writing and maybe that will help them gain some type of order.

    This blog has kind of fallen to the side because my communication with Master has become drastically better since He and i first got together. Part of me feels badly because i do not write in it as much, but i also enjoying having all those writings to look back on at how i was feeling in the very beginning of Our relationship together and to remind me just how much i love my Master (not that those feelings will ever change). He and i have always been amazing together and despite our few disagreements (mostly from me being stubborn and hard-headed) we have come out stronger. It is this strength that i am drawing on as i move forward with the relationship, school, kids, and life in general. He has shown me that we can take on anything with stride.

     So the first part of thoughts rolling around in my head has to do with the way things have been lately between Master and myself. i have apologized to Him recently for how things have been since i started nursing school. i honestly did not realize between that and some medication side effects that i had put our physical relationship on the wayside.For the two of U/us this is one of the ways that we truly connect and reconfirm the Master/slave relationship. It puts me back into my place as a subtle reminder of who is in charge while also allows Him to assert His dominance. i am on a break from school and i have realized just how horribly and how long He had to deal with the two of us not physically connecting. It hurts me to think that i did that without meaning to and that in the future i hope to find a way to get around this and be able to focus on that side of our relationship just as much as i am now during my break from school. i can only hope that He knows just how sorry i am about that whole time period.

    The next part rolling around in my mind has to do with the job/school dilemma. Until recently i honestly didnt think it was much of a dilemma to face, but my brain now says otherwise. A few weeks ago i made the decision to step back from nursing school because i was in danger of "failing" two classes. Now i say "failing" because by grading standards i was not failing, but by nursing school standards i was. For them anything less than a 74 is considered failing.  Well i was initially very okay with my decision to take a break and Master was very supportive of it as well. He let me know that no matter what decision i chose that He would be there to support me. Now that i am a few weeks removed from the situation and am looking at it from an outsiders perspective, i am wondering if i should go back. There are many things that have me thinking this and one of the big ones is since i left i talked with a classmate and it was made clear that the Dean of the program could care less about the fact that people had childcare issues due to a professor not relaying clinical times/information in a timely manner and that there was not anything being done about the drastic issues with the class as well. That to me has me frustrated because you claim we have to be flexible as students, but that can only be done to a point when childcare is involved. Most people, myself included, are not able to call up a sitter in the morning and say "oh by the way i need you to be here in 30 minutes". It just doesnt work like that. Then there is the added cost of going to this school, but the issues we have had with the program don't seem to make it worth it.

     The second part of the school dilemma is that i am trying to get a job because of the time frame that i am having to wait to restart classes with my program. Initially i was planning on getting a job as in the hospital that would allow me to use the courses that i have already completed and keep my skills up to date. However, i have yet to get a callback from the hospital about the positions that i have applied for. Master has mentioned a possible second job that He feels i would do really well in and this is where the dilemma increases. i know that He did not mean to cause this dilemma on purpose but this idea has led to thoughts of whether i should go back. This job is completely different from nursing, but it is also something that i could see myself doing for the rest of my life and being happy with. In searching for this type of job, i feel it isnt fair to get the job and then have to leave within a year for a nursing job. It isn't fair to the company, but at this point i would like to get a job to help the family out and i have the skill sets to do this other job. So this had led me to feel that if i was given the opportunity to get the job that Master thinks i would be good at that i would step away from my nursing degree for now and maybe the future. Part of me feels that i am coming to the point in my life that i need to be realistic and settle on a career. It is not good for me to keep jumping from one track to another when things get harder or just in general. This is why i am leaning more towards looking the path of the job that Master suggested.

      The above thought also leads to me feeling this would be a better decision for my body. Right now we are talking about having another little one and clincials are hard on the body as it is, let alone if i were to have to do them towards the end of pregnancy (depending on when we get pregnant in the near future). There is also the fact that i am high risk and if we dont get pregnant before i was to return to school, i would be in a hospital and on my feet for 12 hour shifts with little time to sit down or pee or even eat. During my clinical time period i noticed that not many of the nurses had time to eat and were often scarfing down a cracker here or there and mostly drinking water or some sort of caffeine to keep them going. While i could do this in theory, i wonder if it is possible for me to do longterm with already having a bad back. My back was hurting during clinicals, but it was something i felt that i could push through. Now i am wondering if physically i would be able to do what the job demands if i did not get my inital choice of working in the NICU. Part of me just feels that i really need to be realistic in the decision that i make. The other part of me also feels that i would be better suited for the jobs that Master suggested because i have noticed that my studying/ability to retain nursing school information isnt what it used to be. i have noticed that i am finding it harder to retain ALL the information that is required to know throughout the school in the amount of time required. Now i can use this break to study and focus on my weak spots, but i cant help but wonder if it will be enough in the long run for me to pass boards and the NCLEX. It's wondering if this is just self-doubt or if i am really being truthful since starting school about my capabilities. i was able to get my EMT but that was not as much knowledge as what is required to know for nursing. SOOOO MUCH INFORMATION......This picture of the books needed doesnt do justice to the pile of papers and notes that are added to all this as well and i am expected to retain all of this. i want to be a nurse but i am feeling drawn in another direction if i am being realistic with myself.
    Then the next thought process jumps to if i make this jump, will i be letting Master down? There is Him and one other person that i truly care about letting down because they have both been there for me. Master because i dont want to disappoint Him because He has truly been there for me since day 1 and has been my strongest advocate and supporter. i dont want to let Him down in choosing to stop my schooling even though i know He feels i would make a great nurse. Then the other person i care about letting down is my father. He has been there for me since i got into touch with him and i dont want to disappoint him by not finishing school and choosing a different career path. However, i feel that if i do this career that i can be happy in it and do it for the rest of my life. It is just a hard decision to make because these are the two people that i would hate to disappoint, although Master is the most important person because my father tells me that i always have to do what is best for myself and my family. Reasoning that out like that makes me realize that yes i dont want to disappoint my father, but the ultimate person that i dont want to disappoint or let down is my Master because He truly is my world and has ALWAYS been there for me.
     With that being said, i am truly wondering what is the right decision for me. i have always felt led to be a nurse and felt that was God's calling for me, but now i wonder if i am being called to work a different job. Either one i can be truly happy at. It's a matter of which one is the better choice for myself and my family....hopefully with some time i will know what God is calling me too, but i am blessed to have this blog to be able to put my feelings out so that hopefully Master can help His lil one make some sense of it all too.
      Hopefully all of that made sense and it is everything that has been running around in my head. Now to talk to Master and see what He thinks of my idea of taking the job He thinks would be good and putting the nursing school on hold either temporary or permanently (depending on things).

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Life's Musings about Life Changes

     It seems that life truly is about rolling with the punches lately. Not that anything bad has happened per say, but it just feels that way with how much things have changed for our life lately. Sometimes i feel like i am just kinda skating by with things and then other days i feel like i'm just not doing enough for myself or for Master. 
     Master and i are slowly getting used to the routine of things now that i am in nursing school. Between the work load for that (one week i had about 7-10 chapters to read for class not including online material i had to complete), taking care of family life, running errands and making sure the house stays in clean shape i am all but exhausted. Then add into that i have to do this by myself most days because Master works at night and needs to sleep during the day for a little bit to ensure He is prepared for work that night, it can wear anyone down. It wears me down a good bit as i have so much to do to keep everything running smoothly. Then there is the pride thing that i don't/shouldn't have to ask for help. He already does so much in working to take care of the family that i can take care of all the other things. But things lately have shown that this isn't true and that i need to work at getting out of my pride thing and learn to ask for help if i need it. He has already told me that if i need help with anything laundry, or such, to just ask Him and He can help, but that He isnt a mind reader and doesn't just know that i need help unless i ask. i could have sworn He was a mind-reader lol, but i guess not. :D 
      Anyways, so last night i was getting things ready in the house after completing some study work and to be honest, it felt like i had finally settled into somewhat of a routine. Not sure if this was a fluke or not, but last night i truly found myself feeling extremely submissive and very content getting everything done. It was even better when i shared with Master just how much i had gotten done before going to bed and to get a text back with a shocked "wow" and then a "good job lil one". It felt amazing and put the biggest smile on my face to know that i had made Him proud by how much i had accomplished. Part of me wonders if it has to do with the fact that i have started wearing my collar to class again (wasnt wearing it for lab because i know once starting clinicals i definitely wont want to wear it to prevent it being pulled on). 
       Life has been pretty crazy and hectic lately and Master and i both know that time together is even more precious now considering both of our schedules are mismatched and that i am having to put WAY more time into my studies to make sure that i pass my nursing courses. It definitely isn't easy, but i wouldn't want to go thru this journey with anyone else. He truly knows when to push me, but is also understanding when i am just too exhausted from trying to manage everything while He is at work or catching up on sleep for work. 
       This brings me to something that i wanted to write for Master, but just couldnt find the words at the time. Since He is at work a lot there are several nights where i find myself going to bed alone after completing everything i need to. His side of the bed is empty and i find myself just longing for His touch/embrace just to know He is there. With my past and all that i have been thru from the abuse from my parents growing up to the two sexual assaults i experienced, He is my safe place at the end of the day. He keeps me safe and i never have to worry or be afraid when He is there. The nights that He is gone, it is almost like that sense of safety and security isn't quite there. Now i know He has to be out and i am okay with it, but my body just yearns for that. It is so much that the nights when He is home i always ask Him to rub my back. Part of me thinks that He only knows this is just to rub my back, but it is actually because my body needs His touch. It craves it because as i am falling asleep and He is rubbing my back, it is comforting me and reminding me that i am back in the safety and security of my Master's arms. It lets me know that nothing bad will happen and that He is there to protect me. It is hard to explain just how much His touch on those nights calms me, but it eases my mind in so many ways that is more than just what i described above. i honestly never knew how much just feeling His hand run over my back and butt as He is rubbing them would mean to me. He is my safety blank and safe ship in a world that is always ever changing and never completely safe.
        On top of that, i am also realizing that my faith and experience with Master are finally coming together. It took a major conversation with Master about it, but i finally feel that it is getting to a place that i am happy with not feeling like the two are battling each other. Master has always been a big supporter of me and my faith, but for some reason for the longest time i felt like i couldn't be Master's slave and be a Christian. It just didn't seem to go together. However, the more i thought about it and the more we talked, it was made clear that you can be a Christian and also be in the lifestyle. It actually has made our relationship better and brought an amazing change that i wasn't expecting. i am now able to grow in my faith to God as well as expand my relationship with Master. There have been several times that i have prayed about things in our relationship and doing certain things and just letting me be at peace with it and it has worked amazing. i will admit that i haven't been the best Christian lately, but it has worked wonders being able to have both at the same time. :) i honestly can't wait to see where we are at a year or two from now and see how much things have changed for us. Both of us truly trust in God and He has guided us to places we never knew were possible. Trusting in Him to guide our steps and see where we go from here. He created both of us this way and i am not ashamed to say that i am a Christian and a slave. :D 
            ***future post coming when i get a chance about the reaction of my "Christian" friends to a BDSM related blog that they found talking about Christian Domestic Discipline and how it definitely sparked a controversy in me

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Past Few Weeks....

   So right now i should be working on some homework and studyi, but i felt that i needed to write this before getting started on that. This is mostly something that Master already knows with a few things that He might not know mixed in (just not sure what all He has picked up or i have mentioned to Him lately).
These past few weeks have been an adventure to say the least. Master is now working and it has been a HUGE adjustment period for me and the kids, but mostly me. When Master and i first met He was working, but then He took some time off and has been home everyday since then with a few times where He had to be gone during the day to take care of things. During that time i was the one working between the time in the military and then the few odd jobs i have had after getting out before truly being able to focus on school. Part of me believes that this is what has spoiled me because He was always home for me and i could talk to Him anytime that i needed. Well since starting work that has changed. With His job there are times where i can't talk to Him because He is unavailable. It has been an adjustment to not always having Him right here to talk to and most of our conversations while He is working take place by text with a phone call or two. It definitely makes for a HUGE adjustment period in my opinion.
     Well along with that, things have been tipped opposite of what they were and i am finding myself lost on some things. Because of the dynamic that Master and myself have, i find myself thinking that i have to take care of everything from making sure kids are fed, changed, bathed, and any other duties that come with that to making sure laundry and dishes are done and the house picked up. It felt like i didnt want Him to have to worry about taking care of things between His short time at home between shifts and the days that He had off. It was all about making sure He was able to relax before going back to work another long shift. Master and i have talked about this, but for some reason i feel like i struggle with it every week. i just dont want to feel like i am adding to His already hectic schedule and cut into his relaxation time with me and our family while He is home. i feel it is my job as His lil one to provide for Him and make sure He is taken care of and by doing the things mentioned above i don't have to place that burden on Him to take care of those things while He is at home resting between work days. However, Master has been very quick to reassure me that it is perfectly okay and that i don't have to do all those things except what He has told me -- take care of the kids and do my school work. He has told me numerous times that it is me putting all those things on myself. It is very true and sometimes i wonder why i make extra work for myself when He has already stated that He is more than willing to help out if i need it because my days are just as long as His from dealing with the kids, going to school, and then studying/doing homework.
Guess all of that explains how rough of a transition it has been for me. On top of all that though, i dont have my Master with me at night which is typically when i would get my time with Him away from our kids (not that i dont love them and spending time with them but me and Him need our own time too). It is harder because the time that Him and i have together as Master and lil one is definitely much shorter now...It does make me value the time that i get with Him that much more though. He has even made comments to me in the past two weeks that it seems like i am more of lil one now that He is back at work when He has home. Admittedly i know there are days where i have felt that i have failed miserably at being lil one but He has pointed out to me that i havent. There have only been a couple times where i did get frustrated at Him for no reason. He very quickly corrected that with a spanking, which made me feel very loved and like lil one.
         At this point, i can only hope that most of this Master already knows. i have tried to truly be more open and communicate with Him even when He is at work. He has told me that He is always a phone call away and the even better blessing is that His partner at work is into the lifestyle as well and understands it so if Master can't answer the phone His partner can and relay any information that i need Him to. It makes it a little bit easier knowing that i dont have to be careful what i say around Him while He is at work and that i can relay information thru His partner at work if necessary. It has made for several interesting conversations between Master and myself. Hopefully at some point i can meet the person He is working with, but that may be in the future after the holidays or after my semester at school ends. It helps knowing that He is always going to be the one there for me and is truly trying to push past the barriers that have been put up from my past, which is part of the reason that i am so glad that i don't have to worry about what i say around His partner at work. i have too many people that i already have to be careful around that it makes one less person to worry about (people are ones that wouldn't understand at all if i said what Master and i are into).
       Now i have to confess that there is another part to what has been going on that i have told Master but it amazes me at how my body recognizes the change as well. Over these past couple weeks there have been several times where i have wanted to play because i was turned on, was missing Master, and just wanted to play. i am trying to work on communicating better with Master about me being turned on and the sucky part is that these days were ones where He was at work. i asked for permission and He allowed me to play. The crazy thing was that the first two days He was able to reply back right away when i sent Him a picture about half way thru the play time i was having with our wand that we have. However, i was able to cum a little bit but it was no where near the huge orgasms that happen when Master plays with me. For some reason those nights where He texted right after receiving His pictures my body recognized that He was there and there was a massive orgasm following a few minutes after His text message reply back to the picture. The hard part was a couple days ago. After giving my body some time to heal from the night Master got to play with His lil one (went in a little too far with the glass dildo that we have and nicked my cervix a little bit), i was allowed to play with myself. Even though i was distraction free and had my music on to keep my mind focused i just wasn't able to bring myself to truly cum like i do for Him. i think my body really does recognize that He is my Master and either i have to talk to Him in the middle of/right before playing by myself. My body recognizes that He is the one in control and follows His commands even when the two of us are apart. It is truly a wonder and makes me feel amazing at the same time knowing that i have come a long way for that to happen. Before i would have tried to push thru and ignore it (since i was given permission to play), but now i take it as a sign that my body wants Master's touch and that the toys just will not work the way i would like them to for play time. This was even with adding other toys that usually enhance things while Master is at home. This time it just didn't work, but i don't worry about it. Each time i have told Master that i wasn't able to have an orgasm like He gives me and it has made our playtime that much better.
Which i have to go back to our playtime the other night where i had so much fun and truly felt like lil one the whole time despite a few times where i felt my body trying to fight for a second or two (due to something trying to hit a trigger that i have gotten past for the most part). It is hard for me to just come out and jump Master, although i have done a handful of times. For me, it is easier to ask Him to leave the room for a few minutes because i can create a scenario of me waiting for Him in some shape or form as my way to express to Him that i am turned on and wish to have some time with Him. It is still a work in progress in being able to verbalize that i want Him that much, but hopefully these show Him that i truly am thinking of Him and wanting to spend time with Him. i set up the scenario and actually bound myself and found myself on my knees. This is typically a hard spot for me to be in after a certain period of time and they start hurting and i have to shift to a more comfortable position. However, i found that even though they did start hurting that it wasn't like before where i was seeking to get out of that position because that was where Master wanted me once He came in and saw the scenario i had put together. Now when i say scenario, i dont dictate what happens in a scene at all as that is Master's domain, but i do just get out our toys that He can use so they are easy to reach instead of thrown in our toy drawer and also put myself in a slave position for Him. It makes me feel so much more like lil one and helps further my mind into that lil one mindset that He loves so much. But during that whole scene i found myself in love with everything He was doing and wished that it didn't have to end. i remember pleading with Him for more times to cum because He had to stop due to me bleeding after nicking my cervix a little bit. It truly makes me feel so loved and warm and comfortable knowing that He gives me just what i need no matter what.
Oh and during that time it was amazing because i got to try out the new toy that Master had gotten as a gift from His new partner at work. It was a new glass butt plug and it was nice because it was smaller than the one that we had been using which was hurting because it is just too big at the present time and after having kids. Part of me had wanted to try it after getting it on one of the nights that Master had allowed me to play with myself, but i waited until He got to use it on me first. It felt so amazing going in and didn't hurt at all. The other one i could tell when it was going in and the smaller one we have just didnt stay in partly because it was one of the cheapo ones we bought when we were first buying toys after delving into the lifestyle together. This new glass one feels amazing and doesn't hurt and sits in there just right. Hopefully i can wear it a little bit better than the attempts that i had with our bigger one and wear it out of the house and remind myself that i am Master's lil one. It always makes me feel amazing to know He is with me and that would just remind me of His presence even when He isn't there with me (like at school or around the house when He is at work).
       So the last part is in relation to a new thing that i haven't brought up with Master yet. i just thought about this while my thoughts were coming out for this post and i plan to talk to Him about it later tonight. Master had bought me a necklace that i wore in public to symbolize my collar and it was also symbolic of my faith. However, it has been work constantly and had children pulling on it as well as just life happening and the chain is on it's last legs. So instead of wearing it and possibly losing it, i have chosen not to wear it because i don't want to lose it at all. Well before this latest collar, Master had bought a different one and i loved it (still do) but it got a little snug around my neck after our last child. Before it had felt like it was going to choke me at any second and was a little tight for my comfort. However, looking at it now i think i am going to go back to wearing it. It is my collar for Him and is in essence my slave collar because it has a locking mechanism on it. It may be a little snug, but the other slave collar that i have confessed to Master that i liked would be even tighter around my neck (the solid  ring that some slaves wear). Even though i may feel a discomfort while wearing it, i have to push that discomfort aside. It is essentially the same as putting my own discomfort out of the way while in a scene with Master (like something is merely uncomfortable not meaning something that qualifies as a safe word use). i need to break out of my comfort zone and get back to wearing my collar and realize that there is always going to be some discomfort with something, but that it is okay. It may even serve as a reminder to me that it is okay to step out of my comfort zone and that He will always be there for me if i need it. So starting this next week i will be wearing my collar again with pride for my Master and not for me, because it is His collar after all. He didn't give it to me lightly and i shouldn't not wear it simply because i feel uncomfortable. It is my mark of ownership and i will be very proud to wear it out and show off that i belong to Him!

        And last thing is Master and i are needing a new bedframe at some point in the near future. It has been almost 6 years since we have bought one (trashed our old one with this last move since it was broken beyond repair). With how much Master and i are truly connecting with each other and focusing on the lifestyle as well, i feel that a bed like this would be an amazing option. We may not have enough to purchase a bondage bed from one of those major dealers, but i think we could swing a canopy bed that looks similar to this since Master and i both love the bondage side of the lifestyle and He likes to experiment with rope ties too :)

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Reflections i sit here and write this, i realize just how bad i have been at updating my blog. However, i will say that life has gotten even crazier and even more hectic since Master and i have added a second child to our family and with me back in school working towards my nursing degree. There have been so many changes that i am so glad that i still have this blog to keep track of them.

The major thing i have realized is that i am quite hard on myself in telling myself when i get back on here that i havent blogged in so long and that i will do better and blog everyday and i blog once or twice and then it goes back downhill again. Well this time, i have come to realize that this blog used to be the only outlet that i had to tell Master how i was feeling and what was going thru my head. Instead, He has very much pushed hard for me to communicate better with Him about things. This means that there is less blogging on my end about various things because i am being more open and honest with Him about things. Now i feel like i can start to make this blog more about everything in my life instead of just using it as an outlet to vent my feelings to Master since i wasn't good at expressing my feelings.
This picture says everything about the way i feel now about how i am truly trying to work on communicating better with Master about various things. Granted, there are still some times where i find myself having issues communicating with things or various things that happen get in the way of me being open and honest with Him, i feel i am getting better. He has gotten more patient and has learned a couple questions that if i'm not able to pull out what i want to say right away help me pull it out and put it into sentences that i can tell Him to get things across.

With changing to a new school and being so close to getting into nursing school and getting my
nursing degree, it has definitely added a lot to my plate. However, i feel that for some reason this time around i am still able to focus on Master and His needs for the most part. With that being said, i have to point out how amazing He has been. Master wakes up early to take care of the kids and get them where they need to go. He makes sure that when i get home if i need time to study or do any kind of class work that i can get it done by taking care of the children and keeping them occupied. Master has also been very amazing in that He has helped me study for major tests. This semester i may get close to a 4.0 and a lot of it has to do with His support. If i need help, he is very good about quizzing me and of course there is an extra reward to remember the right answers. For every wrong answer i receive a swat/spanking. It has led to me remembering a lot. Plus it helps ease my piece of mind by showing me what i really know and what i need to focus on. Master is very quick to point out when i am VERY much overthinking things. He has been a big blessing in me being able to get as close as i am to achieving my nursing degree. i dont feel like i ever tell Him enough, but i am beyond grateful that He is as supportive of me achieving this dream of becoming a nurse as He is. :D He has truly kept me from giving in the towel when all the chips were down because i felt like there was nowhere to turn. Now i am in an amazing school and have a great chance of getting into the nursing school i applied to and am doing amazing in my classes.

Master is truly my strength and has allowed me to keep it together so many times. He is amazing and it is amazing to think we have learned so much in the time the two of U/us have been together as a couple and as Master and lil one.

Master has brought this belief out in me and i hope to work on it in the future. He made mention earlier today about how He wished when i facetimed Him that He could have seen me on my knees in position for Him because i have a hard time staying still. It made me smile so big because it made me feel loved to know that He wanted me at His feet and this position is where i feel the most at home at times. Although this picture talks about pleasing a Dom, i feel it is just as pertinent in relating to me pleasing Master. As He tells me a lot of the time, i let myself get into my head and i let things get to me too easily. The part about pushing my body is very true and part of that for me is that i definitely need to start focusing on keeping my body healthy and the other part is that i sometimes need to push past the pain that i feel when my body decides to act up a little bit. The good thing about this is that i am working at trying to put it into Master's hands and let Him judge whether or not He wants to push any kind of activities while knowing what i am experiencing pain wise and level (such as migraine or side pain). This picture leads me to wonder if getting into position during the day for whatever reason i need it at the time would be something i should look into doing, especially if the kneeling position is a position that i feel puts me back into my submissive/slave mindset.
Ultimately i find myself feeling this a lot more each day that i focus more on Master and O/our relationship instead of letting the humdrum of the day get to me. More time i find myself focusing on Master and making sure that i am taking care of Him or not getting frustrated because something was done the way that i would have done it. When i focus on Him and being His lil one, it lets me know that He loves me unconditionally and it helps keep me going. He is what allows me to do everything else because by focusing on Him and making Him happy, i receive the support that i need to handle things that come up in my life from a rough day at school to juggling things with Him, family life, work life, school life, and just all things in general. He truly makes me feel loved and i can only hope that He sees the changes i am trying to make for Him for a better lil one, but also most importantly for myself so that He can have the lil one that He deserves! i find myself tired, but He is what keeps me going and gives me energy each day knowing He is proud of me for going (plus loving the school i'm at now helps).

Saturday, June 11, 2016

New thoughts and transitions ahead maybe??

       There have been thoughts rolling around my lately about what i wanted to post on here from things ive thought before and wanted to say to just things i want to do in the future and how things are progressing between Master and myself. However, life has seemed to make everything else a priority besides turning on the computer and writing down everything that is roaming around in my head. So many changes since the last time i wrote and unexpected turns that life has brought to Master and myself. 

     Last time i posted about how Master and i were beginning to make changes in how the two of U/us interacted with each other and the type of relationship we had. Since Master and i got married, there have been many different things that influenced our relationship and the dynamic we shared. For lack of a better way to put it, life definitely got in the way as well as things in both mine and His control got in the way....although more mine than His. i guess i have to explain this part to make more sense of why the change....

    In the beginning of our relationship, i was more carefree than i was a year to two years ago. When i first started blogging on here, it was partially a way for me to keep Him in the loop with what was going on with me both in my head after things happened and also with because i lived out of state at the time we got together. Now it is a way for me to get things off my chest and just to let Master know what is going on in my head since i am still working on some of the minor details that come with O/our dynamic. It was very different when we first got together because not long after the two of U/us got together and He became my Master i had to leave to do my job. Between that and basically being in a field where it is male dominated and having to take control, it caused me to lose the lil one side of myself. It was there, but it was only a shadow of what it had been when i first met Master. He never once complained and though things were good, i wasn't the lil one that He had met and had fallen in love with. Now with that being said, both of us know that people can change and things evolve over time. However, this was more because i was letting another job dictate things and it became my Master and He began to be put second. It took A LOT of talking between the both of us since this job has ended and i am moving on. But there are still the scars that are still here and it has left me trying to embrace a new future and let the past go at the same time. 

    In the past, i have posted that i will start to put more blog posts up or even post every single day. It seems that i need to be more lenient on myself on writing and that sometimes it may not be feasible for me to be able to write every single day. Crazy that before i felt that i just HAD to write for it to be a part of the lifestyle dynamic between myself and Master. However, since starting to make changes to our dynamic it has come to my attention that writing down what im feeling or something that i need to tell Master isnt as good as actually communicating with Him about things. He has encouraged me to work on my communication and until recently i had used these writings as an excuse to do so. Now there is the possibility that every so often writing may be the only way to get my words out, which would be the exception to the case above. Not communicating has been one of my biggest issues.

    Since Master and i got together, there have been walls that have been up due to several things that came about either from how i was raised or certain events that happened in my life. He pointed out to me several times over the years that i had walls up and that i didnt trust Him, but the words kept coming out of my mouth that i did trust Him. Apparently i was a walking contradiction especially when the phrase "actions speak louder than words" comes to mind. This was most definitely what i was doing and i fought against this up until recently. Then one day something changed and i realized that these walls were there and that because of them i wasnt fully trusting Him. *gasp* i know...crazy to say that He was my Master and that even though i was His submissive that i wasnt fully trusting Him. Even worse was that this man had NEVER done anything to make me not trust Him. In fact, He did EVERYTHING to make me trust Him and then some. He was that rock that was always there and never once ran away from me. Even when there were the big huge fights (which oddly enough have been the defining moments that led to new changes in our dynamic), He never once left me like i thought He would do because that's what other people in my life had done. He has always stayed by me and has constantly reassured me that no matter what happens He will always be there for me. 

    That is something that has taken some time to really sink in my head. Oddly enough, it took me having a second child to really come to understand just how important the dynamic is not just for us on a sexual level but the peace and comfort it provides us in our everyday life. Lately i have realized i am more comfortable with myself as lil one when i let things happen naturally. There are still many different things that i am trying to overcome from my past and allow myself to let loose on, but i know that it is a slow process. Master has been so amazing in talking with me and getting me to realize that there have been walls up that i never really knew about or am starting to find as i dig thru and let loose. He has taught me so much in the past year that i am really trying to take it to heart and show Him that i am trying to be that lil one that He truly deserves to have. He has been so patient and has stuck by me when there have been several times He could have run because things weren't what they were when we started together. 

    Now with all that being said, life has been crazy the past two years and both Master and myself have had to tone down the dynamic a little bit because we had to move in with a super conservative family member to help save money on bills. It is hard to believe that this family member has passed away, which allows us to be more open with the lifestyle that we live in. This family member was an amazing person to let us live with them and Master and i will always be grateful for them providing a roof over our head when we needed it the most. So our family has been thru a lot with the family member passing, but now i find that the two of us have been able to get back in to being our own selves again. The two of us are trying to get settled back on our own again, but it has caused me to think about a lot of things with the two of us and how i would like to continue to get back to being the lil one that i was when i met Master and before i let other people cause me to lose sight of myself. 

     The past few weeks i started some classes as i am working on my degree towards nursing at a new school. It has me gone most of the day and when i do come home i barely have time to eat before i have to dive into the homework and studying. It makes me wonder if i am being there for Master and being the lil one like i should be. He is always great about reassuring me that He will ALWAYS want me. But the craziest thing is that the week i started school, Master had to get up with the baby and i was getting ready for class. i had to cook myself breakfast and since He was already awake i felt that i should fix Him something too. It was just a natural reaction and it made me feel so proud that i was able to make Him some breakfast and take care of Him even though i spend a lot of time away for school. He has been so amazing helping with the other things that i am not able to take care of as well as i would be able to if a majority of my time wasnt focused on school. The past few weeks with Master and i myself being back in our roles (with a few exceptions from day i was sick and with times i have to work on homework later into the night) it has been the most comforting thing in my life despite our life being very up in the air at the moment. It has brought me a calming reassurance that no matter what, He will always be there to help push me to better myself in a good way and that He truly does want me to better myself. This was shown the other morning when He woke up early with me, let me drive to school (if both of us are together He always drives unless it is thru a drivethru order), quizzed me on my biology, took care of the kids while i took my test, waited for me to have lunch with a friend, and numerous other things despite being tired from waking up with the baby during the night. Words can't express how grateful i am for the little things like this that He does for me, while also showing His dominance and control over me. 

     The future is uncertain at the moment, but i think that from now i plan to try to write in here when it is needed but not use it as my only means of communication. For the longest time i used it as a crutch and it has hampered things when i should have been able to say how i was feeling. Instead i hid behind my writings and told myself that was my way of telling Him how i felt. Now i intend to focus on actually talking with Him like i should have been able to do from the beginning. i also need to accept that lil one is a part of me and there is no way to hide it. Honestly im actually excited about the two of us getting into our own place so we dont have to worry about family coming by and messing things up. It is exciting to see where things will go from here with the two of us and the lil one that Master fell in love with coming back out. 

how i feel about Master most recently :) 
the D/s that Master and i have are most definitely very unique like this post says 
Master has most definitely been reminding me of this all the time 
my best friend and has most definitely ALWAYS been there for me

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Catching up.....

So first off, i have to admit that i didnt realize how long it had been since i last wrote in my blog. Omg do i feel bad for those that look for a post to see if i'm still around. Promise i havent disappeared, but life has most certainly gotten chaotic around here. 

Master is back in school and is working hard to get His certifications back. Which im SOOOOO proud of Him in doing so. He is working hard to make sure that He can provide for His family and it makes me love Him so much more. Now im not going to lie, but it brings out the lovely feelings down inside that before long i will be able to enjoy making His lunch and waiting for Him when He gets home and hopefully having dinner ready on the table. 

On top of that, im back in school and working towards my degree. It has been kind of chaotic getting back into the swing of things are going through a period where i felt that i wasnt really being challenged. Now i ended up challenging myself, and possibly too much as Master has been so good to point out, and have taken on 18 hours this semester. It has been a rough spot so far and i have been struggling slightly with getting my assignments handed in on time and studying and just balancing it with the chaotic life of being married and having a child. 

Family life has gotten very crazy and there has been so much that has changed since the last time i wrote. Christmas has brought some very strong emotions up in that i went out to visit my biological father for the second time and his wife, who i call mum because she was like a mother to me (even more of a mother than the one that gave birth to me). It was there that my dad revealed to me all the paperwork that he had been keeping over the years from the custody and divorce battle between him and my mother, and towards the end my stepfather. Reading through those and finding out all about how different things are really was shocking to me. Those letters revealed that she was trying to hide from him. He had to get the police involved to get them to let her know that she was being called in to court, not to mention at the time she left the state and flew all the way to the otherside of the country to keep me from him (which in my opinion was kidnapping at the time). 

My biological mother is a liar and has been lying to me my entire life after those documents revealed her true nature. She told my biological father in a letter that he just needed to give up and let me go because i was calling another man daddy and that was how it was going to be and that he just needed to accept it that way. It was hurtful to me that she would do this. I didnt get to make a choice at all and that is the part that infuriates me! She, for whatever reason, chose that he would be cut out of my life! The whole time growing up whenever i had asked about him growing up i would be told that he chose to not be involved in my life and he is the one who didnt call or write or send anything. However the letters revealed that she told him that i was going to be adopted by my stepfather and that he should just go ahead and let me go and forget about me because i wasnt going to know him. 

Since finding out about all of this, i have been struggling with what to do and how to manage things.

(these are some ramblings that i forgot to post)

Been gone with life

    Wow it has been a while since the post on this blog has been updated. Mostly because of life has it been neglected. W/we both have been busy with school, ride along's, our daughter, her being pregnant, and just life in general. W/we are still living the BDSM lifestyle as best we can.  W/we have been really blessed to have made it to 29 weeks with this little boy with minimum complications. Its been a whole new experience for us as with our daughter we were in a hospital room and had nurses looking after her making sure all was going well. lil one has a cerclage that is helping with her cervix and is also being given P17 shots to help as well. I (Master R) have been busy with going to school to get My recertification as an Advanced EMT (think of paramedic) and having to deal with all that comes with it. lil one is doing the same while being pregnant so she has it twice as hard. W/we have come to the conclusion that we do need this lifestyle and that it has helped us in so many ways when we have some arguments or rough times.

    For those wanting to know W/we are having a boy and when he was last measured he was ahead of where we actually thought he was so he is growing great and lil one is hanging in there with all the aches and pains and all the symptoms that come with the pregnancy. she is a hero in My book with keeping the house in shape, taking care of our daughter and all her activities, making and protecting our offspring, keeping up with bills, making sure I am taken care of, getting lunches and dinners prepared and served, and keeping sane through it all. I try to tell her everyday that she is amazingly sexy and beautiful. To Me there is nothing more beautiful than your wife and best friend to be molding and making an offspring for you. W/we have an amazing daughter who is daddy's girl all the way but I know for Me I am excited to have a boy. Having one of each has always been the way I wanted it and am so blessed to have it that way in a few months.

So for those who did read this blog W/we thank you and will try to keep it up as best we can.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Feeling free

Last night was a magical night for me and Master, at least in my opinion. It seems like life got in the way for a while and both of U/us were trying to find the path back to the lifestyle and back to being Master and lil one while adding in the responsibilities of O/our everyday life. 

Master and i were laying in bed last night when He had the urge to take what belonged to Him. He used me and i remember that He wanted to be finished by me sucking Him off. As i did so, He had me on my knees on the ground. In this past, this typically meant that my knees would start hurting not long after getting into this position. However, with how the activity level of both myself and Him have increased, my ability to hold that position have gotten better. It almost feels like i am getting back to what i was able to do when i first met Him (where i was put in position for 30 minutes no moving as a punishment when long distance skype was O/our only option).  This is an amazing feeling to me as i truly want to get back to being the lil one that He first met as i feel since getting married and having a child things have gone to the wayside a little bit in regards to the lifestyle. 

Back to me being on my knees (lovely picture right now im betting) on the floor in front of Master and sucking Him off. He ended up shooting His cum all over me and marking my face and breasts with His cum. It was an interesting feeling for sure and it definitely makes me feel like His slave and lil one when He marks me. It reminds me of my place and makes me feel more secure with where i stand. After He shot His cum all over me, normally that is when He ends things and both of U/us get cleaned up and cuddle together and calm down before falling asleep for the night. Last night, Master treated me to the wand massager that was bought a month or so ago. Then He decides that while i am still down on my knees that He will continue to play with me and push me to cum multiple times. 

The crazy thing is that as i was in the position, my senses were heightened and i could feel it that much more. Body and mind craved Him and i could feel myself loving the feeling of Him exerting His control over Him. He began to push my body more and more as He held the wand in. It was the most intense feeling in the world as every ounce of my being told me to fight it and break the position, but i knew He wanted me to hold the position because He had started playing with me while still on my knees. It was sooooo freeing and it was an interesting feeling to have wave after wave of the orgasms cut through and hit me but i was still able to hold the position. It was the most intense feeling and i loved it. :) It made me feel extremely close to Him and im so glad that He did that for me.

Now i find myself craving His touch again. Part of me wants to jump Him, but at the same time He isnt feeling very good and i definitely dont want to push Him too hard and make Him sicker. He is working very hard to go to school so that He can support U/us in the future and i dont want to risk that (not that i would anyways but just the thought in my head). My thoughts find myself on wanting to use the butt plug that W/we have that i have finally gotten to where it is comfortable when inserted. The first night that He played with it and the glass dildo inside of me, i realized what it was like to truly feel full. Part of me craves that feeling of being full from a combination of Him in either my pussy or ass and a dildo/buttplug in the one not being used. It creates an amazing sensation and last time i believe made my orgasms that much more. My mind goes back to that night where He and i played with the new toys and He had me tied to the bed where i couldnt move as He played with the glass dildo in my pussy, inserted the butt plug in my ass, and played with the wand on my clit. OMG the feelings that i remember. It is hard for me to just come out and ask for things, but i love it when Master places me in the restraints and uses me as it reminds me everytime of my place. 

The crazy thing is i crave a good spanking and then being used with what was mentioned above with Him teasing me like crazy and then just ramming both me with His cock. It truly does sound absolutely amazing right about now, especially the feeling of being fucked after getting a spanking and squirting for Him when He tells me to cum. However, as much as i want all of these things i also have to remember that it is not up to me if i get it or not. Master decides when i will and will not get what i want and if He feels He is sick then it will have to wait. All i know is there is such a strong craving to be restrained with rope/bondage and forced to do as He wants as it centers me and makes me feel at home (especially since we have a chair that makes for easy restraining in the room now). The pictures included below are what im feeling right now:

Please, please, please, please, please Master?? Can You please?
 This looks sooooo hot!!! love the thought of this....
Love the thought of this....being teased, tied up, and fucked by Master...yummy :)
interesting to try since i have yet to be restrained to a chair and used. Would it be any fun for Master? Dont know yet if it would be......

Wonder if this is why people buy futons for their spare bedrooms? This would be interesting to say the least to try and see how it works with Master ;) 
 Tied to the bed with a wand right there? Oh man i would love this as Master stands over me telling me either to wait to cum or whispering in my ear to cum for Him.
 This almost looks like the plug that Master and i have that has taken me a little bit to get used this picture
Love the thought this picture makes me think of Master using me like He does. 

All of these pictures have me thinking and i know with both of us not feeling well for the day, these thoughts will be for another night. But for now, at least Master knows that i am thinking about Him.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Changes have happened.....

    Wow, just realized that i havent blogged in a while and that is because life has truly become hectic for the both of U/us. There are so many things that have changed and are changing that life is definitely a never ending rollar coaster lately.

      So guess first place to start is the non lifestyle related things. Things with family have gotten even more complicated and since the last blog post, i have gotten in touch with my father who has been absent in my life since i was a newborn. However, that is where the turns start to get crazy for both myself and Master. It happened out of the blue with me wondering what my biological father was doing and if he was thinking of me. Well thanks to my lovely mother's record keeping, i had my father's full name as well as his brothers' full names. So began the search....

       With some help of lovely social media and some angels, i was able to find my biological father and turns out that he was still alive and had gotten into a new relationship. The first contact i had was from his father (my grandfather) reaching out to me and explaining that my father was overjoyed to hear from me and that if i wanted to, i could call him. The first conversation felt weird (not awkward weird, but just weird in that it was the first time i had gotten to talk to him ever since i was born), but the emotions running through me were ones of elation and joy and just excitement. It was exciting to find out that everything i had been told by my mother growing up was completely wrong......(this comes back into play later on in the details). After a month of talking, we agreed to come out and meet with him and to meet the rest of the family. Turns out that my father had two more children with his second wife and then got married a third time and there are 4 more kids that came with that marriage. Went from being the youngest (mother had a child she gave up when she was a teen) to all of a sudden being the second oldest in the family (oldest if you count biological siblings on that side). It was a lot to happen, but one that i definitely took in stride. Hey, who wouldn't take it in stride especially when interacting with someone who hasnt been in your life basically the entire time. First visit went absolutely amazing and it was something that i had longed for my entire life growing up.

         Before going into detail about how the visit was absolutely amazing, i must put in a few details about how things were growing up. Feel that context must be had in order to understand why i will say what i do later on about my mother after visiting my father.......Growing up i was always told that my father was a drunk and when/if i made the decision to find him that he wouldnt want anything to do me or that his wife wouldnt want anything to do with me, that he did drugs, and that he was more than likely in jail. Constantly, i was told that i was not wanted and that he hadnt tried at all to fight for me and that he just signed away his rights for me. It was very hard to hear that, but there was always that hope that when i found him that maybe he would think differently. There was constant emotional abuse growing up and to this day it is adamantly denied (still tries to happen but i have gotten wise to their tricks thanks to His help). There were some days that i even contemplated suicide, one time there were thoughts of what would happen if i jumped over a hotel balcony (on vacation when i got chewed out for something i had done) or another thought on just taking a bottle of pills and just ending things. Those were the times where i dropped to the lowest point in my life and it was honestly only by the grace of God that i survived those times and didnt go through with it. Honestly, i feel it is because i was meant to meet and get with Master. He ultimately has helped me deal with so many of my demons (many of them stemming from childhood) and work at getting past them. There were expectations of because i was the youngest in the children i had to be perfect. There was no ability of me to do any kind of wrong, i wasnt allowed to drive because they didnt feel i was ready (despite having numerous hours driving and completing at least 40 hours of safe driving done for an insurance discount program). i wasnt allowed to get a grade any lower than a B and actually it was more a grade lower than an 85 (when our grading scale changed to where a B was from 80-89). On top of all those expectations, i wasnt allowed to go anywhere without them knowing. If there were any friends birthdays, most of the time i had to buy a present with my own birthday money. Not to mention the usual tirade of how "disappointed" they were or the typical emotional rollarcoaster of i say sorry, but then get the usual tirade again and repeat the same cycle over and over again.

        So now to the thing about my dad and my mother.....seems that basically my entire life she has been playing this game of lying to me about various things. The list starts at lying about what week i was born (was told born at 28 weeks but i was actually born at 31 weeks), details about my father not fighting for me (he has documents to prove he did), fact that she flew halfway across the country to take me from him, made the decision without me to cut him out of my life, changed the name of my biological father on my birth certificate without my input (basically as if she was erasing him from my life), and so many other things it is hard to basically list them all. Well when i met with my dad, i found out all the lies that she had been telling me (and yes i know that there are three sides to every story--his/hers/truth) and it has been very hard for me to swallow. Basically it sums up to how she wanted a child so badly (due to having to give up her firstborn), that she would do anything/everything to keep me and not have to share me with someone. Well yeah it has made things very complicated (more on her end then his) as she is trying to make things extremely complicated on me and Him about when she wants us to be there for the holidays (dont even get me started there). To this day, she is still trying to tell me and Him what we need to do and dont need to do (one of them concerning when we have another child). Needless to say it is frustrating, but i have reached the point of no return and that im done with putting up with the crap that she has constantly been dealing my way for a while now. It shall be interesting to see how the holidays coming up goes as if anything in the way of them trying to tell me or Master how to live our lives happens, we will be leaving and heading to my father's early.

Now on to the bigger and better part of the things that have been happening :) On to the juicy stuff you could say....
              So now it is on to the part about Master and i and how things are going. Well, things have gotten somewhat crazy in that W/we are trying new things that neither one of U/us would have found interesting before. One of O/our good friends got into rope and it slowly began intriguing me. The more i saw pictures of it, the more i really loved the way it looked and began to imagine how it would feel around my body. After some contemplating and thinking about it, i asked Master if He would try it with me. Honestly, i think He might have been hesitant at first because it wasnt something He thought interesting when we first got together. Well, after He tried it the first time, He admitted that He realized how good it was for Him as well as how good He thought it was for me. It didnt go exactly as planned, but it went very well and i was honestly happy with how freeing it felt to just let go and enjoy myself. In a weird way being tied down for me was severely freeing in that my mind was free to just let go of everything. It felt so amazing and so far He has been trying out a few more tries and ties, but W/we have hit a few roadblocks in my symptoms and my health. It has been amazing working on a lot of my pitfalls with Master and things that i have never done with others. There have been some communication issues where i didnt communicate something like i should have or He didnt communicate like He should have, but nothing too bad that W/we havent been able to overcome. Since this new revelation, i have worked at trying to communicate with Him and voice how i am feeling (hence the slow uploads here as i needed to learn how to communicate with Him with my own voiced words before i could come back here---personal reasons) and also worked at trying the new thing that He has always hinted at---waking Him up with a morning bj. He hasn't had one (from me) before and has hinted that it was something that He would really like. In the past i have thought about it, but my personal inhibitions and how i was raised has prevented me from doing some of the things i would love to do sexually. For the first time i was able to surprise Him and start a lovely morning wakeup (say start because He was already somewhat awake at the time). Quite honestly i am interested to see what the future holds as i have already broken through and realized how exciting things are and hope that things will continue to get better. :)  


             These pictures make me wish and hope and make me have lovely thoughts. The times that Master uses me as His slave for His pleasure leave me flying high. The past few times W/we have had play time together, i have felt myself coming alive. He has ALWAYS reassured me that no matter what, how i feel sexually is not wrong or messed up or anything negatively at all. He has realized that i was very repressed sexually growing up and that it has taken me a while to get to a point where i am starting to come out of my shell. The only part that scares me is that i will be too much for Him. The past few times W/we have played together and He has used His lil one, His lil one has been wanting more. Obviously i know that if i get more is up to Him to grant whether i get to play more (whether by Him or by the wand to which i end up squirting numerous times for Him) or am left wanting more for a later time, but a part of me cant help but wonder if He would think it bad if i wanted too much all the time. It would also make me feel like i am sending a message to Him that Him playing with me is not enough for me, but that is definitely not the message that i want to be sending Him. It is just that i feel like maybe what i should have experienced in my teenage years (you know the always wanting sex and wanting to make love to whatever toy you had at home) is finally happening now that i am coming out of my shell. Just hope that He understands when i have the confidence to ask Him for more (have been trying to communicate it more often as getting better at it) that it is not that He didnt give me enough, but just that my body sometimes wants way more and wishes it could just keep going as in all honesty i think that it is my way of getting a much needed stress reliever as it allows me to just let go and be me with no bells, hoops, or whistles. (Maybe that's why i like being tied down or in rope bondage in general.....hmmm. Interesting lol.)

          So the pictures above are something that i like as an idea because to me if He were to do that and test me in not being able to cum, it is such a test to how much i am His. It's soooooo hard to fight those feelings, but so far i have been able to fight it (it has been hard especially the times that He teases me sooo many ways between the vibe in the pussy to the wand on the clit). This picture to the side sums up how the journey that i have gone on so far as felt and i know i still have a long way to go. Baby steps are better than nothing though right?

Guess that's all for now i have hit a writer's block....will catch up more on the rest of things tomorrow if i get a chance.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014


    One word has never felt so good to write let alone just feel. There has been a long time struggle to let go of the demons that haunt my past and it seems that they have finally been exorcised out of my head. Trust was a major issue for me and ever since meeting Master i had felt that i had placed my utmost trust in Him. However, due to things happening it was pointed out to me that this wasnt the case. It was a case of my actions not following what my words were saying.
      With everything that has gone on in my life, i really have been starting to look into myself and trying to figure out what it is that i really wanted and who i really wanted to be. Searching deep, i realized that i definitely have a slave's heart and that is the person i truly wanted to be. There were times that i balked, stomped, just pushed against Him when He asked me to do something for Him or wanted to take His pleasures. For some reason i was fighting who i was and i was letting the demons inside control me. The inner slave in me and the demons were at constant war and at times i truly felt that my relationship with Him was suffering. He didnt have the lil one that He deserved and i was in essence keeping a part of me hidden from Him. He never gave up and kept trying to get me to break out of my shell and stop letting the demons control me. It wasnt working and i could tell that He was getting slightly discouraged but He didnt want to admit it to me and He would never leave me, although it may have led to U/us giving up the lifestyle.
      All of this changed after reading a writing on Fet. It was talking about how she needed Him to just take over her and get the demons out of her head. She needed Him to own her and take what was His. It hit the very core of me and i realized that this writing was exactly what i needed from Him. The friend who both of U/us had turned to had mentioned before that Master was not a mind reader and that i would have to let Him know what i needed. Hearing that, at the time i was denying it and saying that i didnt know how to ask Him for what i needed let alone what i actually needed. It took me overnight to think and mull over the writing and what was in it before i finally got up the confidence for what i needed. It ended up with me sending Him a message asking for Him to "tie me up, use me, help me get out of my head". He was directed to the writing on Fet that had created such a huge impact on me and i had explained the night before of a writing of what i wanted to be and hoped to be concerning myself in the lifestyle as a slave and as His slave.
       He was shocked and sent me a reply that He would definitely be able to help me and that W/we would do it that night. So i was on pins and needles the rest of the day as i waited for the time for me to go home and eat and then face what was going to happen. The feeling was one of nervous butterflies because for me i had the feeling that it would come to a head and that i would either love it or hate it, but i had a strong feeling i would love it. It was what i desperately needed in my soul and body and mind to get back to being His lil one and the slave that i want/hope to be. Later in the night, the time came and when He whispered the words "go get the rope", my stomach went into knots. It was do or die time and there was no going back since i had asked for it and i knew in my soul it was what i wanted. Handing Him the rope, He immediately began to work on tying it around my wrist. Kissing me, it helped to ease my tension away and slightly calmed the butterflies that were threatening to fly out of my stomach. Before long, my wrists were bound behind my back and i found myself losing my underwear. Grabbing me by the arms and walking me to the other side of the bed, i couldnt help but feel slightly vulnerable. He lifted me on the bed and then proceeded to tie my legs spread open. Then began the process of teasing me with the wand. By the end of the night, i had been taken and used as His any way that He wanted, whether oral or anal or pussy. He owned all of it and took full advantage of it.
        There was so much trust that went into that night that i truly felt like i was a completely different person. He had found a way to get rid of the shell that i had been hiding and for the first time in forever, i finally felt free of all the demons. There was no more letting them stop myself from doing something for Him or balking when He asked something. If He wanted me to do something, i would have done it gladly. He had found the key to getting me to link with my inner slave and i was fully embracing it. It was the most amazing feeling ever and i loved every minute of it. He was finally the only thing in my head (other than my school learning of course) and i wanted to keep it that way. He had unlocked the inner nympho that had been lurking inside me. Before i would have been deathly afraid to talk to Him about how i felt, but the next day i found myself texting Him asking Him to play again. He has me craving so much and i want to try so much more with Him. He has me wanting to be with Him every night as long as my blood sugar isnt acting up or mother nature hasnt made her appearance. For the first time in a long time, i have slept so peacefully the past two nights because i know that He truly loves and cares for me and i feel that He has my full and complete trust after that amazing night the night before last.
       Today i was able to have a conversation with a friend about sex and squirting and orgasms and i was able to name the parts in the conversation without batting an eye whereas before there would have been hesitation and it would seem wrong for me to talk about it. The topic was hard for me to discuss because i felt at any time someone was going to come out and tell me that it was unacceptable to talk about. Granted that stemmed from the demons from my past, but it was still amazing to see how much of a drastic change that it has produced after just two nights of having fun with Master and giving Him the complete control and trust to do whatever He wanted. He has truly freed me from those demons that i have tried so long to get rid of. He finally has a lil one that is able to be open with Him. If He had wanted last night, i would have slept naked (which He will know speaks volumes because for the longest time i have been uncomfortable with myself naked), but got dressed due to having class this morning.
       There are still changes to be made, but things feel so much brighter having Him here with me and knowing that He is there for me and that i really and truly trust Him. The first night with rope was absolutely amazing and i cant wait to try it again with Him. :) It may not be anything intricate but it speaks volumes to me and i love the way that it makes me feel. Everything is done for Him and i know that everyday i am always turned on waiting for Him. The hope that i have for myself is that as i continue to grow and learn about myself i embrace the change and keep the momentum going that i have now. There are a few personal goals that i have for myself and im not sure what Master will think, but seems He may agree with it.
                 -dress more feminine even if going to class and reserve sweats and tshirt for one day out of the week
                 -carry a purse around even when going to class
                 -ALWAYS let Master know how i feel and if i want something even if there is a possibility of Him telling me no for it
                 -possibly work at wearing something as far as a toy (benwa balls, plug, vibrator) to class and let Master know how it made me feel
        Hopefully things will continue to progress and i am definitely hoping that Master and i can continue to explore everything. :) There is a slight hope that the two of U/us can play some more with the rope tonight, maybe some more wand play, and just being used by Master if He wishes to use His lil one in any way (just something amazing about the feeling of being used both in His pussy and in His ass---what can i say, im an anal whore lol).