Saturday, June 11, 2016

New thoughts and transitions ahead maybe??

       There have been thoughts rolling around my lately about what i wanted to post on here from things ive thought before and wanted to say to just things i want to do in the future and how things are progressing between Master and myself. However, life has seemed to make everything else a priority besides turning on the computer and writing down everything that is roaming around in my head. So many changes since the last time i wrote and unexpected turns that life has brought to Master and myself. 

     Last time i posted about how Master and i were beginning to make changes in how the two of U/us interacted with each other and the type of relationship we had. Since Master and i got married, there have been many different things that influenced our relationship and the dynamic we shared. For lack of a better way to put it, life definitely got in the way as well as things in both mine and His control got in the way....although more mine than His. i guess i have to explain this part to make more sense of why the change....

    In the beginning of our relationship, i was more carefree than i was a year to two years ago. When i first started blogging on here, it was partially a way for me to keep Him in the loop with what was going on with me both in my head after things happened and also with because i lived out of state at the time we got together. Now it is a way for me to get things off my chest and just to let Master know what is going on in my head since i am still working on some of the minor details that come with O/our dynamic. It was very different when we first got together because not long after the two of U/us got together and He became my Master i had to leave to do my job. Between that and basically being in a field where it is male dominated and having to take control, it caused me to lose the lil one side of myself. It was there, but it was only a shadow of what it had been when i first met Master. He never once complained and though things were good, i wasn't the lil one that He had met and had fallen in love with. Now with that being said, both of us know that people can change and things evolve over time. However, this was more because i was letting another job dictate things and it became my Master and He began to be put second. It took A LOT of talking between the both of us since this job has ended and i am moving on. But there are still the scars that are still here and it has left me trying to embrace a new future and let the past go at the same time. 

    In the past, i have posted that i will start to put more blog posts up or even post every single day. It seems that i need to be more lenient on myself on writing and that sometimes it may not be feasible for me to be able to write every single day. Crazy that before i felt that i just HAD to write for it to be a part of the lifestyle dynamic between myself and Master. However, since starting to make changes to our dynamic it has come to my attention that writing down what im feeling or something that i need to tell Master isnt as good as actually communicating with Him about things. He has encouraged me to work on my communication and until recently i had used these writings as an excuse to do so. Now there is the possibility that every so often writing may be the only way to get my words out, which would be the exception to the case above. Not communicating has been one of my biggest issues.

    Since Master and i got together, there have been walls that have been up due to several things that came about either from how i was raised or certain events that happened in my life. He pointed out to me several times over the years that i had walls up and that i didnt trust Him, but the words kept coming out of my mouth that i did trust Him. Apparently i was a walking contradiction especially when the phrase "actions speak louder than words" comes to mind. This was most definitely what i was doing and i fought against this up until recently. Then one day something changed and i realized that these walls were there and that because of them i wasnt fully trusting Him. *gasp* i know...crazy to say that He was my Master and that even though i was His submissive that i wasnt fully trusting Him. Even worse was that this man had NEVER done anything to make me not trust Him. In fact, He did EVERYTHING to make me trust Him and then some. He was that rock that was always there and never once ran away from me. Even when there were the big huge fights (which oddly enough have been the defining moments that led to new changes in our dynamic), He never once left me like i thought He would do because that's what other people in my life had done. He has always stayed by me and has constantly reassured me that no matter what happens He will always be there for me. 

    That is something that has taken some time to really sink in my head. Oddly enough, it took me having a second child to really come to understand just how important the dynamic is not just for us on a sexual level but the peace and comfort it provides us in our everyday life. Lately i have realized i am more comfortable with myself as lil one when i let things happen naturally. There are still many different things that i am trying to overcome from my past and allow myself to let loose on, but i know that it is a slow process. Master has been so amazing in talking with me and getting me to realize that there have been walls up that i never really knew about or am starting to find as i dig thru and let loose. He has taught me so much in the past year that i am really trying to take it to heart and show Him that i am trying to be that lil one that He truly deserves to have. He has been so patient and has stuck by me when there have been several times He could have run because things weren't what they were when we started together. 

    Now with all that being said, life has been crazy the past two years and both Master and myself have had to tone down the dynamic a little bit because we had to move in with a super conservative family member to help save money on bills. It is hard to believe that this family member has passed away, which allows us to be more open with the lifestyle that we live in. This family member was an amazing person to let us live with them and Master and i will always be grateful for them providing a roof over our head when we needed it the most. So our family has been thru a lot with the family member passing, but now i find that the two of us have been able to get back in to being our own selves again. The two of us are trying to get settled back on our own again, but it has caused me to think about a lot of things with the two of us and how i would like to continue to get back to being the lil one that i was when i met Master and before i let other people cause me to lose sight of myself. 

     The past few weeks i started some classes as i am working on my degree towards nursing at a new school. It has me gone most of the day and when i do come home i barely have time to eat before i have to dive into the homework and studying. It makes me wonder if i am being there for Master and being the lil one like i should be. He is always great about reassuring me that He will ALWAYS want me. But the craziest thing is that the week i started school, Master had to get up with the baby and i was getting ready for class. i had to cook myself breakfast and since He was already awake i felt that i should fix Him something too. It was just a natural reaction and it made me feel so proud that i was able to make Him some breakfast and take care of Him even though i spend a lot of time away for school. He has been so amazing helping with the other things that i am not able to take care of as well as i would be able to if a majority of my time wasnt focused on school. The past few weeks with Master and i myself being back in our roles (with a few exceptions from day i was sick and with times i have to work on homework later into the night) it has been the most comforting thing in my life despite our life being very up in the air at the moment. It has brought me a calming reassurance that no matter what, He will always be there to help push me to better myself in a good way and that He truly does want me to better myself. This was shown the other morning when He woke up early with me, let me drive to school (if both of us are together He always drives unless it is thru a drivethru order), quizzed me on my biology, took care of the kids while i took my test, waited for me to have lunch with a friend, and numerous other things despite being tired from waking up with the baby during the night. Words can't express how grateful i am for the little things like this that He does for me, while also showing His dominance and control over me. 

     The future is uncertain at the moment, but i think that from now i plan to try to write in here when it is needed but not use it as my only means of communication. For the longest time i used it as a crutch and it has hampered things when i should have been able to say how i was feeling. Instead i hid behind my writings and told myself that was my way of telling Him how i felt. Now i intend to focus on actually talking with Him like i should have been able to do from the beginning. i also need to accept that lil one is a part of me and there is no way to hide it. Honestly im actually excited about the two of us getting into our own place so we dont have to worry about family coming by and messing things up. It is exciting to see where things will go from here with the two of us and the lil one that Master fell in love with coming back out. 

how i feel about Master most recently :) 
the D/s that Master and i have are most definitely very unique like this post says 
Master has most definitely been reminding me of this all the time 
my best friend and has most definitely ALWAYS been there for me

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Catching up.....

So first off, i have to admit that i didnt realize how long it had been since i last wrote in my blog. Omg do i feel bad for those that look for a post to see if i'm still around. Promise i havent disappeared, but life has most certainly gotten chaotic around here. 

Master is back in school and is working hard to get His certifications back. Which im SOOOOO proud of Him in doing so. He is working hard to make sure that He can provide for His family and it makes me love Him so much more. Now im not going to lie, but it brings out the lovely feelings down inside that before long i will be able to enjoy making His lunch and waiting for Him when He gets home and hopefully having dinner ready on the table. 

On top of that, im back in school and working towards my degree. It has been kind of chaotic getting back into the swing of things are going through a period where i felt that i wasnt really being challenged. Now i ended up challenging myself, and possibly too much as Master has been so good to point out, and have taken on 18 hours this semester. It has been a rough spot so far and i have been struggling slightly with getting my assignments handed in on time and studying and just balancing it with the chaotic life of being married and having a child. 

Family life has gotten very crazy and there has been so much that has changed since the last time i wrote. Christmas has brought some very strong emotions up in that i went out to visit my biological father for the second time and his wife, who i call mum because she was like a mother to me (even more of a mother than the one that gave birth to me). It was there that my dad revealed to me all the paperwork that he had been keeping over the years from the custody and divorce battle between him and my mother, and towards the end my stepfather. Reading through those and finding out all about how different things are really was shocking to me. Those letters revealed that she was trying to hide from him. He had to get the police involved to get them to let her know that she was being called in to court, not to mention at the time she left the state and flew all the way to the otherside of the country to keep me from him (which in my opinion was kidnapping at the time). 

My biological mother is a liar and has been lying to me my entire life after those documents revealed her true nature. She told my biological father in a letter that he just needed to give up and let me go because i was calling another man daddy and that was how it was going to be and that he just needed to accept it that way. It was hurtful to me that she would do this. I didnt get to make a choice at all and that is the part that infuriates me! She, for whatever reason, chose that he would be cut out of my life! The whole time growing up whenever i had asked about him growing up i would be told that he chose to not be involved in my life and he is the one who didnt call or write or send anything. However the letters revealed that she told him that i was going to be adopted by my stepfather and that he should just go ahead and let me go and forget about me because i wasnt going to know him. 

Since finding out about all of this, i have been struggling with what to do and how to manage things.

(these are some ramblings that i forgot to post)

Been gone with life

    Wow it has been a while since the post on this blog has been updated. Mostly because of life has it been neglected. W/we both have been busy with school, ride along's, our daughter, her being pregnant, and just life in general. W/we are still living the BDSM lifestyle as best we can.  W/we have been really blessed to have made it to 29 weeks with this little boy with minimum complications. Its been a whole new experience for us as with our daughter we were in a hospital room and had nurses looking after her making sure all was going well. lil one has a cerclage that is helping with her cervix and is also being given P17 shots to help as well. I (Master R) have been busy with going to school to get My recertification as an Advanced EMT (think of paramedic) and having to deal with all that comes with it. lil one is doing the same while being pregnant so she has it twice as hard. W/we have come to the conclusion that we do need this lifestyle and that it has helped us in so many ways when we have some arguments or rough times.

    For those wanting to know W/we are having a boy and when he was last measured he was ahead of where we actually thought he was so he is growing great and lil one is hanging in there with all the aches and pains and all the symptoms that come with the pregnancy. she is a hero in My book with keeping the house in shape, taking care of our daughter and all her activities, making and protecting our offspring, keeping up with bills, making sure I am taken care of, getting lunches and dinners prepared and served, and keeping sane through it all. I try to tell her everyday that she is amazingly sexy and beautiful. To Me there is nothing more beautiful than your wife and best friend to be molding and making an offspring for you. W/we have an amazing daughter who is daddy's girl all the way but I know for Me I am excited to have a boy. Having one of each has always been the way I wanted it and am so blessed to have it that way in a few months.

So for those who did read this blog W/we thank you and will try to keep it up as best we can.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Feeling free

Last night was a magical night for me and Master, at least in my opinion. It seems like life got in the way for a while and both of U/us were trying to find the path back to the lifestyle and back to being Master and lil one while adding in the responsibilities of O/our everyday life. 

Master and i were laying in bed last night when He had the urge to take what belonged to Him. He used me and i remember that He wanted to be finished by me sucking Him off. As i did so, He had me on my knees on the ground. In this past, this typically meant that my knees would start hurting not long after getting into this position. However, with how the activity level of both myself and Him have increased, my ability to hold that position have gotten better. It almost feels like i am getting back to what i was able to do when i first met Him (where i was put in position for 30 minutes no moving as a punishment when long distance skype was O/our only option).  This is an amazing feeling to me as i truly want to get back to being the lil one that He first met as i feel since getting married and having a child things have gone to the wayside a little bit in regards to the lifestyle. 

Back to me being on my knees (lovely picture right now im betting) on the floor in front of Master and sucking Him off. He ended up shooting His cum all over me and marking my face and breasts with His cum. It was an interesting feeling for sure and it definitely makes me feel like His slave and lil one when He marks me. It reminds me of my place and makes me feel more secure with where i stand. After He shot His cum all over me, normally that is when He ends things and both of U/us get cleaned up and cuddle together and calm down before falling asleep for the night. Last night, Master treated me to the wand massager that was bought a month or so ago. Then He decides that while i am still down on my knees that He will continue to play with me and push me to cum multiple times. 

The crazy thing is that as i was in the position, my senses were heightened and i could feel it that much more. Body and mind craved Him and i could feel myself loving the feeling of Him exerting His control over Him. He began to push my body more and more as He held the wand in. It was the most intense feeling in the world as every ounce of my being told me to fight it and break the position, but i knew He wanted me to hold the position because He had started playing with me while still on my knees. It was sooooo freeing and it was an interesting feeling to have wave after wave of the orgasms cut through and hit me but i was still able to hold the position. It was the most intense feeling and i loved it. :) It made me feel extremely close to Him and im so glad that He did that for me.

Now i find myself craving His touch again. Part of me wants to jump Him, but at the same time He isnt feeling very good and i definitely dont want to push Him too hard and make Him sicker. He is working very hard to go to school so that He can support U/us in the future and i dont want to risk that (not that i would anyways but just the thought in my head). My thoughts find myself on wanting to use the butt plug that W/we have that i have finally gotten to where it is comfortable when inserted. The first night that He played with it and the glass dildo inside of me, i realized what it was like to truly feel full. Part of me craves that feeling of being full from a combination of Him in either my pussy or ass and a dildo/buttplug in the one not being used. It creates an amazing sensation and last time i believe made my orgasms that much more. My mind goes back to that night where He and i played with the new toys and He had me tied to the bed where i couldnt move as He played with the glass dildo in my pussy, inserted the butt plug in my ass, and played with the wand on my clit. OMG the feelings that i remember. It is hard for me to just come out and ask for things, but i love it when Master places me in the restraints and uses me as it reminds me everytime of my place. 

The crazy thing is i crave a good spanking and then being used with what was mentioned above with Him teasing me like crazy and then just ramming both me with His cock. It truly does sound absolutely amazing right about now, especially the feeling of being fucked after getting a spanking and squirting for Him when He tells me to cum. However, as much as i want all of these things i also have to remember that it is not up to me if i get it or not. Master decides when i will and will not get what i want and if He feels He is sick then it will have to wait. All i know is there is such a strong craving to be restrained with rope/bondage and forced to do as He wants as it centers me and makes me feel at home (especially since we have a chair that makes for easy restraining in the room now). The pictures included below are what im feeling right now:

Please, please, please, please, please Master?? Can You please?
 This looks sooooo hot!!! love the thought of this....
Love the thought of this....being teased, tied up, and fucked by Master...yummy :)
interesting to try since i have yet to be restrained to a chair and used. Would it be any fun for Master? Dont know yet if it would be......

Wonder if this is why people buy futons for their spare bedrooms? This would be interesting to say the least to try and see how it works with Master ;) 
 Tied to the bed with a wand right there? Oh man i would love this as Master stands over me telling me either to wait to cum or whispering in my ear to cum for Him.
 This almost looks like the plug that Master and i have that has taken me a little bit to get used this picture
Love the thought this picture makes me think of Master using me like He does. 

All of these pictures have me thinking and i know with both of us not feeling well for the day, these thoughts will be for another night. But for now, at least Master knows that i am thinking about Him.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Changes have happened.....

    Wow, just realized that i havent blogged in a while and that is because life has truly become hectic for the both of U/us. There are so many things that have changed and are changing that life is definitely a never ending rollar coaster lately.

      So guess first place to start is the non lifestyle related things. Things with family have gotten even more complicated and since the last blog post, i have gotten in touch with my father who has been absent in my life since i was a newborn. However, that is where the turns start to get crazy for both myself and Master. It happened out of the blue with me wondering what my biological father was doing and if he was thinking of me. Well thanks to my lovely mother's record keeping, i had my father's full name as well as his brothers' full names. So began the search....

       With some help of lovely social media and some angels, i was able to find my biological father and turns out that he was still alive and had gotten into a new relationship. The first contact i had was from his father (my grandfather) reaching out to me and explaining that my father was overjoyed to hear from me and that if i wanted to, i could call him. The first conversation felt weird (not awkward weird, but just weird in that it was the first time i had gotten to talk to him ever since i was born), but the emotions running through me were ones of elation and joy and just excitement. It was exciting to find out that everything i had been told by my mother growing up was completely wrong......(this comes back into play later on in the details). After a month of talking, we agreed to come out and meet with him and to meet the rest of the family. Turns out that my father had two more children with his second wife and then got married a third time and there are 4 more kids that came with that marriage. Went from being the youngest (mother had a child she gave up when she was a teen) to all of a sudden being the second oldest in the family (oldest if you count biological siblings on that side). It was a lot to happen, but one that i definitely took in stride. Hey, who wouldn't take it in stride especially when interacting with someone who hasnt been in your life basically the entire time. First visit went absolutely amazing and it was something that i had longed for my entire life growing up.

         Before going into detail about how the visit was absolutely amazing, i must put in a few details about how things were growing up. Feel that context must be had in order to understand why i will say what i do later on about my mother after visiting my father.......Growing up i was always told that my father was a drunk and when/if i made the decision to find him that he wouldnt want anything to do me or that his wife wouldnt want anything to do with me, that he did drugs, and that he was more than likely in jail. Constantly, i was told that i was not wanted and that he hadnt tried at all to fight for me and that he just signed away his rights for me. It was very hard to hear that, but there was always that hope that when i found him that maybe he would think differently. There was constant emotional abuse growing up and to this day it is adamantly denied (still tries to happen but i have gotten wise to their tricks thanks to His help). There were some days that i even contemplated suicide, one time there were thoughts of what would happen if i jumped over a hotel balcony (on vacation when i got chewed out for something i had done) or another thought on just taking a bottle of pills and just ending things. Those were the times where i dropped to the lowest point in my life and it was honestly only by the grace of God that i survived those times and didnt go through with it. Honestly, i feel it is because i was meant to meet and get with Master. He ultimately has helped me deal with so many of my demons (many of them stemming from childhood) and work at getting past them. There were expectations of because i was the youngest in the children i had to be perfect. There was no ability of me to do any kind of wrong, i wasnt allowed to drive because they didnt feel i was ready (despite having numerous hours driving and completing at least 40 hours of safe driving done for an insurance discount program). i wasnt allowed to get a grade any lower than a B and actually it was more a grade lower than an 85 (when our grading scale changed to where a B was from 80-89). On top of all those expectations, i wasnt allowed to go anywhere without them knowing. If there were any friends birthdays, most of the time i had to buy a present with my own birthday money. Not to mention the usual tirade of how "disappointed" they were or the typical emotional rollarcoaster of i say sorry, but then get the usual tirade again and repeat the same cycle over and over again.

        So now to the thing about my dad and my mother.....seems that basically my entire life she has been playing this game of lying to me about various things. The list starts at lying about what week i was born (was told born at 28 weeks but i was actually born at 31 weeks), details about my father not fighting for me (he has documents to prove he did), fact that she flew halfway across the country to take me from him, made the decision without me to cut him out of my life, changed the name of my biological father on my birth certificate without my input (basically as if she was erasing him from my life), and so many other things it is hard to basically list them all. Well when i met with my dad, i found out all the lies that she had been telling me (and yes i know that there are three sides to every story--his/hers/truth) and it has been very hard for me to swallow. Basically it sums up to how she wanted a child so badly (due to having to give up her firstborn), that she would do anything/everything to keep me and not have to share me with someone. Well yeah it has made things very complicated (more on her end then his) as she is trying to make things extremely complicated on me and Him about when she wants us to be there for the holidays (dont even get me started there). To this day, she is still trying to tell me and Him what we need to do and dont need to do (one of them concerning when we have another child). Needless to say it is frustrating, but i have reached the point of no return and that im done with putting up with the crap that she has constantly been dealing my way for a while now. It shall be interesting to see how the holidays coming up goes as if anything in the way of them trying to tell me or Master how to live our lives happens, we will be leaving and heading to my father's early.

Now on to the bigger and better part of the things that have been happening :) On to the juicy stuff you could say....
              So now it is on to the part about Master and i and how things are going. Well, things have gotten somewhat crazy in that W/we are trying new things that neither one of U/us would have found interesting before. One of O/our good friends got into rope and it slowly began intriguing me. The more i saw pictures of it, the more i really loved the way it looked and began to imagine how it would feel around my body. After some contemplating and thinking about it, i asked Master if He would try it with me. Honestly, i think He might have been hesitant at first because it wasnt something He thought interesting when we first got together. Well, after He tried it the first time, He admitted that He realized how good it was for Him as well as how good He thought it was for me. It didnt go exactly as planned, but it went very well and i was honestly happy with how freeing it felt to just let go and enjoy myself. In a weird way being tied down for me was severely freeing in that my mind was free to just let go of everything. It felt so amazing and so far He has been trying out a few more tries and ties, but W/we have hit a few roadblocks in my symptoms and my health. It has been amazing working on a lot of my pitfalls with Master and things that i have never done with others. There have been some communication issues where i didnt communicate something like i should have or He didnt communicate like He should have, but nothing too bad that W/we havent been able to overcome. Since this new revelation, i have worked at trying to communicate with Him and voice how i am feeling (hence the slow uploads here as i needed to learn how to communicate with Him with my own voiced words before i could come back here---personal reasons) and also worked at trying the new thing that He has always hinted at---waking Him up with a morning bj. He hasn't had one (from me) before and has hinted that it was something that He would really like. In the past i have thought about it, but my personal inhibitions and how i was raised has prevented me from doing some of the things i would love to do sexually. For the first time i was able to surprise Him and start a lovely morning wakeup (say start because He was already somewhat awake at the time). Quite honestly i am interested to see what the future holds as i have already broken through and realized how exciting things are and hope that things will continue to get better. :)  


             These pictures make me wish and hope and make me have lovely thoughts. The times that Master uses me as His slave for His pleasure leave me flying high. The past few times W/we have had play time together, i have felt myself coming alive. He has ALWAYS reassured me that no matter what, how i feel sexually is not wrong or messed up or anything negatively at all. He has realized that i was very repressed sexually growing up and that it has taken me a while to get to a point where i am starting to come out of my shell. The only part that scares me is that i will be too much for Him. The past few times W/we have played together and He has used His lil one, His lil one has been wanting more. Obviously i know that if i get more is up to Him to grant whether i get to play more (whether by Him or by the wand to which i end up squirting numerous times for Him) or am left wanting more for a later time, but a part of me cant help but wonder if He would think it bad if i wanted too much all the time. It would also make me feel like i am sending a message to Him that Him playing with me is not enough for me, but that is definitely not the message that i want to be sending Him. It is just that i feel like maybe what i should have experienced in my teenage years (you know the always wanting sex and wanting to make love to whatever toy you had at home) is finally happening now that i am coming out of my shell. Just hope that He understands when i have the confidence to ask Him for more (have been trying to communicate it more often as getting better at it) that it is not that He didnt give me enough, but just that my body sometimes wants way more and wishes it could just keep going as in all honesty i think that it is my way of getting a much needed stress reliever as it allows me to just let go and be me with no bells, hoops, or whistles. (Maybe that's why i like being tied down or in rope bondage in general.....hmmm. Interesting lol.)

          So the pictures above are something that i like as an idea because to me if He were to do that and test me in not being able to cum, it is such a test to how much i am His. It's soooooo hard to fight those feelings, but so far i have been able to fight it (it has been hard especially the times that He teases me sooo many ways between the vibe in the pussy to the wand on the clit). This picture to the side sums up how the journey that i have gone on so far as felt and i know i still have a long way to go. Baby steps are better than nothing though right?

Guess that's all for now i have hit a writer's block....will catch up more on the rest of things tomorrow if i get a chance.