Friday, April 30, 2010

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart....

 Wow, it just seems that the days just continue to get crazier and crazier as things progress. I cant believe that everything happened today that did. It was just weird.
     Well, the day started off with me waking up. I didnt sleep in too long today because I had to renew my car tags as well as take care of some other errands. Packing my things and making sure I had picked up, I put the things in my car and shut the trunk. Now this is where my morning got interesting. I had set my keys on the lip of my trunk at the top to hold my paper that had my notice on it. Well the notice almost blew away so I had grabbed it with my wallet. Forgetting that my keys were still in the lip, I shut the trunk. Immediately realizing what I did, I sigh in frustration. I couldnt believe I had just locked myself out of my own car. I was upset, but embraced it. I went into my apartment and immediately set out to try and find something that would unlock my car. I ended up trying another key, a hanger, a butter knife, kitchen knife, and a hair pin. I couldnt get any of it to unlock, but thankfully my mother called about this time. Sighing and not knowing what to do, I asked her if she knew a way to get into a locked car. She replied to have the courtesy officer help me out. Well I had to go to the office anyways, so I asked them and turned in my notice. I was told the courtesy officer couldnt help me out, but that I could try the local PD. Not wanting to pay for a locksmith(and not having the money for it too) I took the advice and called them. After calling them, I was told that because there wasnt an animal or child in the car, they couldnt help me but the Sheriff's Department could. Getting the number for that, I kind of laughed to myself and hung up thanking the lady at dispatch and the police department. I called the Sheriff's Department and thankfully they sent someone out. Within ten to fifteen minutes, a lady officer came to the apartment and unlocked my car for me. She had it unlocked within minutes and this was where I found out my car has an alarm on it. If anyone tries breaking into it, there is an alarm that goes off. This gives me peace of mind.
       After that excitment, I got in the car and headed out on the road. I headed up to get my car tags. I had decided to stop at the place very close to where I deliver. I stopped there and paid for my car tags then went outside and began scraping off the place to put my county residency sticker. It's weird that I paid for tags on a car that I'll only drive two months before I leave. I finished up there and left to get gas. The tags took short amount of time, even with putting them on my car.
        Leaving to get gas, I stopped at the pilot. It was the cheapest gas so far including my town. I went in and prepaid for my gas and went back out to pump it. The funny thing was, I had told the girl the wrong pump. I had told her three instead of two, so I had to go back inside. Well while I was in there waiting to tell the lady that I had told her the wrong pump, a guy had started pumping gas on the one I had told her I was on. So she had to get him to pay her for the gas and put my gas on my pump. I couldnt believe it, but I told him about it and got reminded that I shouldnt be sweating the small stuff. I laughed and told him that it was a way to test my resolve. I just couldnt believe it was really happening all of this.
    Well after another test to my resolve, I decided to do what he had reminded me to do and laugh it off. I just grinned and bear it and headed to work. I was picking up my paycheck stub. I picked it up and headed back to my car, getting ready to head home to my parents. I couldnt believe that my check was almost $100. I was told that would almost never happen, but I think with all the extra hours I was getting it was really possible.
       I headed home to my parents and got there. It's amazing how relaxing I can get when I'm in a safe environment and all alone. Now I kind of wish I had had someone there to enjoy it with, but its okay. I can wait til I see him anyways. I was bored and started looking up stories. I was texting him during this and let him know what I was doing. It was funny because I had enjoyed reading all of them. He texted me at one point telling me that he wanted to see me in position if he got off early tonight with nothing on. I can admit that my heart skipped a beat, but I already knew that my response was going to be a "Yes,Sir". I trust him completely and am completely comfortable with him. He's so different then anyone else and there is a trust there that is different then any other kind of trust. I guess because our type of relationship goes beyond the traditional boyfriend/girlfriend and extends to Dom/sub as well. I was reminded simply that I had to be reminded of my place as well. I can admit that my heart skipped a beat, but I wouldnt want it any other way. I love being his and being reminded of it. I am constantly reminded that I am his and that he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants from seeing me on cam with nothing on to anything else. I love this feeling and wouldnt change it for all the world.
     The one interesting thing that happened was when I was looking at all those stories. I couldnt believe that I was reacting to them the way I was. I could feel the heat in me growing and wanted so badly to touch myself. I just couldnt do it quite yet. But it was amazing these reactions that I was having. I read those stories, imaging him doing what was being done to each submissive in the story. I read of girls being spanked, fucked, and just dominated. I dont normally use that language either, but thats the only way I can think of to describe it. I couldnt believe how turned on I was feeling by all of these stories. I felt amazed by it and all the feelings it created in me. I cant wait to see what feelings he creates in me in person.
      I only hope that things will go well when we first meet. I loved how we were talking last night and asking each other questions. We were getting to know each other on a much more personal level on what has been done and all. I was embarassed by quite a few of these and couldnt believe that I was really asking some of what I asked too. It just surprised me so much. I even asked him for more last night when he first told me that it was time for bed. I couldnt believe it that I had even asked, to me it seemed more like begging I think, for more questions from him. I think he really was slowly drawing me out of my shell. I find myself just growing more and more natural interactions with us, not that it wasnt before. I couldnt help but love all the feelings and emotions he's creating in me. There's nothing like it. I have admitted things to him that nobody else knows. There are a couple friends that believe they know about me, but in all honesty they dont. The only person who really knows me on so many different levels is him. Now granted we're still getting to know each other, but I feel that he knows me so well and how i react and my emotions. It's amazing how well he knows me and understands,but he's also still learning some of my reactions.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Trust is a big thing for me....

  Wow what a day. There were just so many good things that happened I just cant believe it.
  The day started out with my heading for another morning shift yet again. I was happy though when I got there because we were swamped so I got to stay out in the restaurant. It was so much fun, but i started getting easily annoyed at my manager. I was easily keeping up with the pizza making, but he kept coming over and claiming that my sauce border was too wide or I just wasnt doing it right. I finally just stepped back and let him do the job because I was getting too frustrated and was ready to go off on him.
   I was taking the pizzas out of the oven before the end of the day and got a phone call from a local number. This was where the day really turned good. I answered the phone thinking it was my mother, but it turned out to be my doctor's office. I was told that I didnt have to come in for my test tomorrow because for my age it is normal to have a positive test and it show up normal when they do the further test. I was so amazed at this and the lady said that the nurse would call and explain just why later, which I still havent received that phone call, but I was in utter amazement. i couldnt believe my good fortune with this phone call. I was slightly worried that it could turn out to be something bad, but am glad that it's nothing to worry about. Of course my mother tried to tell me to be worried by saying that with our family history(which to be honest I dont remember anyone in my family having a bad history with that area, we're more kidney problems), but I know there's nothing to worry about. I'm not them and dont really even have the allergies or medical problems they do. I know that I should pay attention to it, but in this case I think its wrong. I just think she really was tryiing to make me worry and think it is something bad, but I know its not. Either way I know I have support.
     Well anyways, off a touchy subject. My next good fortune was that I was already planning on taking my dad to work but I was going to be held over at work. I was going to go doorhanging in the early afternoon, at the hottest part of the day. I would have been fine with this any other day, but I honestly was worn out from feeding pizzas into the oven and having to keep up with them and into boxes with them. I just needed a break and asked my manager how long he was planning on doorhanging. When he asked why I was asking I told him that I had to take my dad to work today, which he replied that he'd go doorhang by himself. I felt bad, but it's kind of stupid to go doorhanging during the hottest part of the day in town. But I left and headed to my parents to hang out with my dad.
     It was nice getting to my dad's. When I got there, he was taking a shower and I helped him by taking the dog to the park. She's a little spark of energy it's so crazy that she has so much of it too. He came down and gave me a hug telling me thank you for taking him to work. It's a first and it was nice to be able to just enjoy time with my dad. I really did enjoy it and am going to talk to him about maybe planning a day just for the two of us during the week before I leave because I feel that we need to work on our relationship. But anyways...I took the dog to the park and played with her and just had fun. I must say that after playing with her today, I miss my dog even more because she was my cuddle buddy and protector. She was always there. But I had fun and hung out with my dad talking. We got to talking about basic and I talked about work and various things. It was nice just talking.
    Well, after we got done talking and he was ready, I headed to take him to work. I took the way he knows just so I knew I was going the right way, which i knew a faster way and think I might want to tell him next time so during the summer he has a shorter way to go sometimes. I drove him to work with him joking about my car smelling like pizza or making comments about how I was going to get a ticket cause I was going to fast. It was nice though because it wasnt a lecture, it was simply a playful oh you're going to get in trouble. I liked it. I had to laugh because he made a comment during the route about something and I had a smart aleck comment ready and on the tip of my tongue but I stopped myself. I pictured him in the seat instead of my dad and I held it in. I had the thought run through my head of what would he say if I was there. I was so proud of myself and realized that I think my smart aleck mouth has been curbed, for the most part at least. I dropped my dad off and said goodbye, wishing him a good day at work and then headed off to get gas and to use free internet.
    I killed time in McDonalds before heading to work. I got back into work and of course tonight is yet another Singles Thursday. I hate doing the single runs partially because it means we get backed up as drivers, but I also know they cant say anything about it taking so long. I got the first couple orders delivered and came back for my next one. It was a close order and I took it, knowing where it went. i had to call her because it didnt list a building, just an apartment number and every apartment in the complex area had a number 28 in it. Well, after getting a hold of her I delivered her pizzas, but hit another snafu---she only had a $100 bill and I didnt have enough change to break it. Well, I gave her the pizza, took her $100 and went to get change. Grabbing her change I headed back to give her the change and take another order out. I stopped and gave her the twenties for her $100 and then told her the order total. Looking at me, she handed me two twenties and told me to keep the change. I was so shocked that I couldnt believe it. It was a $19 order with a $20 tip. I was in utter shock, but finished my night out. I ended up making $46 tonight in tips, partially thanks to her $20 tip.
    The funny thing happened during my work shift and I was amazed at how the conversation went. The guys were checking out one of the driver's girlfriends and apparently he had a naked picture of her on his phone because I heard a comment made about that picture. Well, one of the guys apologized and asked if I had heard anything that went on. I replied that I hadnt and that I only heard about the naked picture. Well this launched a discussion about how all guys care about girls is how they look. This lead to a discussion how when girls talk about guys all it is is about how much money he makes or what he drives. To me that's a very shallow view point and only applies to the high-maintenance materialistic girls. I argued with them and at one point the comment was made that they were talking about the extremes and what about the girls who get down and dirty, but also clean up just as well when the time comes. Their reply to this and I laughed so hard inside was that those types of girls are bad news. When I asked why, I was given the response that it was because they usually tried wearing the pants in the relationship. This is where I almost lost it because to me I was the type of girl to get down and dirty but I clean up well too. I definitely dont try wearing the pants in my relationship (and have a feeling it wouldnt end very well if I did try). I like my relationship how it is and wouldnt want it any other way, but their comment just made me laugh.
      After finishing out my last work shift, I headed home. I cant believe that my mind has constantly been reeling and trying to figure out what he was talking about earlier today. He asked me how I would feel if he asked me personal questions. I know I am totally fine with it because I truly trust him 100%. He has always been there for me through everything. There's complete trust there and I love it because I havent been able to trust someone this much and this completely since I was assaulted(at least in the male aspect). I'm still trying to figure out what all he wants to know, but either way I'm fine with it because at the same time it also gives me a chance to get to know more about how he thinks. I'm anxious to see what all comes up, but I know it will be fun. I'm also excited because a few more days until I've officially been his a month(May 3rd is 1 month) and also I get to see him after making it through next week. Man it's going to be a long but well worth the wait week.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

New me = new plan

   Wow what a wonderful, amazing, beautiful day, both with the weather and just everything that happened. I couldnt ask for a better day, despite some somewhat bad things that happened.
     The day started with me waking up still super sore from my p90x workout. I couldnt believe that I was really feeling the burn, but I know that me doing this workout is for a good cause. I slept off and on again last night with very bad dreams again. I think it's really starting to trouble me that I'm having bad dreams again. I dont really remember what each one of them is about, but I think they all have a common theme that someone comes and takes me away and holds me against my will. I'm not sure if this is my mind's way of working some problem out or something else. Oh well, either way I'm sure I'll get sleep soon, for now this is just a hump in the road to get over.
    Anyways...after waking up, I had a lovely breakfast of some healthy cereal I picked up yesterday. Some organic cinammon crunch cereal, which really does taste almost exactly the same as General Mills cinammon toast crunch. It was yummy and I was proud of myself. I finished it and headed off to work. It was an amazing morning and just so beautiful outside that i couldnt wait to get to work.
       Arriving at work, I checked the schedule and sure enough I was doorhanging with my manager again today. However, I had decided that no matter what happened today I wasnt going to complain. I was going to enjoy it and just suck it up and deal with it. I was going to remain positive. I did very well on this I think, but he'd be more the judge of it. I was positive to myself even after seeing I was doorhanging with the manager that is mean. Today he just didnt seem as mean, he even sang along to the radio for a little bit of one of the songs. We headed out and began to find a place to go. We ended up choosing this neighborhood close to the airport area that was closed in with no outlet. It was probably a good mile to mile and a half long road, not inlcuding the little side roads that we went down as well. I started out and began working my way to the very end and then back towards where we had come in. I loved it and enjoyed the nice walk, despite my muscles being a little bit sore. I found it loosened my legs and made it easier to walk with them. Well I covered the neighborhood and headed back to my car, getting a call from my manager saying they were swamped at the store. We headed back, but just in time to them catching up. I felt bad, but I did try to get back fast.
     After getting back to the store, I stayed for a few to make sure that things were taken care of, I got off work and headed to my new favorite hangout, McDonalds. I had made a conscious effort to not eat any fast food and I was going to continue with that. I ordered a drink and sat down and began to amuse myself on my computer. I started watching The Blind Side and was talking with him. It was so much fun and I learned a new lesson from him. I learned a new response from him for times when I usually respond with "if you say so". Instead of saying that, my new response is going to be "yes Sir if that is what you desire." I know its going to take me some time to remember that, but I am making it my priority to remember. I wouldnt want to get in trouble for not remembering it, although i think(and hope) that he will give me some time to learn it and remember it instead of my usual saying. Although I have a feeling there might be some motivation behind it.
    Well after I got done hanging out at Mcdonalds, I headed back to work and had some fun there. I started out working and earning almost ten dollars on my first two runs of the night. I was so amazed and couldnt believe it. I continued driving and grabbing runs til my last two runs. I finished up and came in. I normally come back in and D or the other manager counts my money and I'm out. This is usually because their labor is up and they have to get me out, but tonight was different. I came in and got told to stock the sodas in the freezer and then I could go home. I did what I was told, because thankfully there wasnt a lot to stock anyways and I was helping out the person on the night shift, but it was still weird to be doing it. I had so much fun.
       I finished work and headed home to hang out with my friend. I couldnt believe that I had made almost thirty two dollars tonight. I stopped off to hang out with my friend and grabbed some dinner with her. I was proud of myself because I kept with what I said. I had planned on having just a salad, but after not eating since this morning a salad didnt totally quench my hunger. I was proud though because all I got was some grilled chicken, corn, green beans, strawberries and a small dab of mashed potatoes. I was so proud of myself that I stuck with what I had said. i could have gone hog wild and eaten something extremely bad like fried chicken or tacos or something else, but I didnt. I realized after that that I have a stronger will power then I thought. I knew I had a good willpower, but being able to resist the foods that are my utmost favorite to keep my goal was way more important to me.
     Well I finished out the night and headed home. i cant wait to talk to him tonight. I am debating if I want to switch up the days on my workout because my body is so sore today that I really want to be able to move and walk tomorrow. But I know there are other people that have started this that are going through the exact same thing. I'm not complaining at all, I'm just ready to get it over with for the night. I'm debating on doing Yoga over Shoulders & Arms with Ab ripper. Here's to a whole new sensation and feeling tomorrow night.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Rocky start but it evened out...

   Man what a long and incredible day today. It just seems that most of the days lately have been long, but I also know that they're worth it. Today has just been way amazing, really too amazing for words.
     This morning started off kind of rocky. I woke up, sleeping a little later then I had planned because I had nightmares last night. I dont really remember totally what the nightmare was about last night, but I know it was a bad one. The bed sheets were all messed up again this morning when I woke up, which usually means I had an unrestful sleep. I dont know why I'm having all these bad dreams lately and I hate that it's affecting my sleep, but I cant really do a lot about it. I am just glad to know he's always there for me even when I cant sleep.
     After waking up and relaxing, I had a lot of fun this morning. I was texting him telling him that I had no idea what was planned for the day. He sent me a funny text message back with an idea on it. He suggested that I write to him. I had no idea what he meant by this so I sent him a reply back. When I got the response I laughed because I knew this would test me. He suggested that I write something spicy and send it to him. There was only one response that I thought of for this. I had a feeling that he meant a good story for him to read. I felt a little nervous about this. I have only written once before for him, so I was nervous about writing a spicy story for him. I started writing for him and finished it. I have to admit that as I was writing it, I felt myself opening up more and more to him. I think if I write a few more stories at times for him before I leave I will open up and be able to write a lot for him without being extremely shy. I know I wasnt too shy with things because I knew that with me writing for him that as long as I did my best, he would be happy with it. So I think I did my best on it.
    I emailed the story off to him and started my lunch. For some reason I seemed to be in a baking mood again today. I found my last package of muffin mix and went about making them. oddly enough, the mix tasted so good and sweet. It was much like me eating cookie dough as I made cookies. I made some muffins and then made some homemade croutons. I got the idea for those after seeing how a restaurant here made their croutons at work. All it takes is a little bit of melted butter and garlic salt on some bread and toasted in the oven for a few minutes. It was so yummy and the muffins were so good fresh out of the oven. I loved it.
      After finishing my baking, I relaxed and ate some lunch before getting ready for work. I loved the taste of my homemade croutons in my salad. I had decided to change up my salad today and added some chicken and my homemade croutons. It was so yummy and the croutons taste so garlic and buttery and crispy its just good. I dont know why but lately I've been in a cooking mood, I just havent had the right things to cook.
     Well after finishing my lunch, I relaxed then headed to work. I was in such a good moood and so giddy and happy nothing could change me. I was just happy. I started work and was taking runs. It was awesome because the last set of runs I took was three of them. I took them all together because they were right in the same area. I got two three dollars tip and a two dollar tip. I couldnt believe it. I loved it. I had to put gas in my car, but it lasted me the whole time.
      I was in such a good mood that not even my mother could kill it later in the night. It was awesome. I have been debating about whether or not to sell my car. The decision to do that is coming up fast, but I know I will need my car for sure for my job. The odd thing and this usually comes up everytime we talk was that as long as i made my insurance payments I would have a car. I just think this is stupid because I have to be able to live and get around, but my parents are going to prevent that if my other bills keep me from paying them for insurance at the time that they want it. I dont expect them to pay for everything, but when they got me the car I wasnt expecting it at all. They got me a car for college because they knew I needed one and they were the ones that also chose to purchase a new car instead of letting me continue to save up for a used car to pay for. I was told my car was a gift, but lately it seems more then a burden then a gift. I guess that's part of my dilemma is that it's constantly thrown out as a burden on them that they have to pay for it and everything else. Well I just dont want to deal with it, so I think I may be selling my car when I leave. I can buy a new car once I finish my training.
      After I got off work tonight, I headed home and spent about thirty minutes wandering around publix trying to find something for dinner. I am such an indecisive person and it was funny because I texted him telling him that I couldnt find anything for dinner. His first response was that if he was here I wouldnt have to worry about that. I laughed because I knew what he meant by that. I told him that I would actually like that because in all honesty I was so indecisive, someone choosing something would have been good for me.
    But I found my dinner and came home. I'm proud of myself that i have continued to stick to my goal to not eat any kind of fast food. I almost broke that rule tonight wanting to grab food with a friend, but I was proud that I stuck to it and didnt eat out. I went home and had mac n cheese with a sour cream chicken wrap. It was good and healthy. I get to workout some more later tonight and cant wait.I know for sure my legs will be burning tomorrow, but add that to my doorhanging tomorrow. I cant wait.
     I have to admit that tonight will be a long night. I am sad because he's working tonight, but I also hope that he's going to be safe. I am glad though that he is working an amazing job that helps a lot of people. I'm proud of him and it makes me proud to tell people that I have a boyfriend who is an EMT. It's amazing to me that he can do that. I love that he is saving people's lives. I am sad that I cant see him on the nights he works, but I know I get to see him the next day when i get home from work and he has caught up on his sleep. It's worth it.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Way better then expected :)

   Wow, today turned out way better then I could have ever expected. It was just amazing and I guess sometimes life surprises you when you least expect it.
     I started out the day, heading to work, a little tired after not sleeping well for the second night in a row. For some reason I had another nightmare. It wasnt about basic or anything, but it was more of someone taking me away and hurting me. I dont remember exact details, but I know for a fact it scared me bad. I know I tossed and turned a lot because my sheets were all rumpled and messy when I woke up. But anyways...I got to work and one of the drivers had called out sick for some reason. R told me he'd need me driving today. I was ecstatic, partially because this meant no doorhanging for me today and also because I got to make some extra money in tips. It was slow this morning, but I made $12 that I wouldnt have had this morning anyways.
      I headed home after ordering some breadsticks for lunch. I am resolved and so far doing very well with sticking to my goal of eating healthy and no more fast food. I dont count the breadsticks as fast food because it would be the equivalent of me eating a biscuit or piece of bread with my salad. It was a yummy addition to my lunch and was very fresh. I love when R works because I can usually get a free pizza or breadsticks from him. I love it, but dont take advantage of it too often nor expect it. Everytime I think about getting something I'm ready to pay half price for it, but he usually give it to me for free. It was amazing. I got to talk to him about my friend who called me from basic yesterday. We both think that J wasnt as prepared for the mind games as he thought he was and that it will get better for him. I only hope that I'm prepared for the mind games that come along with it. I have been told by all my buddies that they know I can do it and he says I can do it, so I know I can, if not for myself for him. Everything I do now is no longer for me anyways, its for him.
      Well after eating my lunch, I surfed the web and talked with him some. I felt bad because he was so sad with today being two months to the day of a very sad day for him. I felt like there was nothing I could do to help him, other then be there for him to listen. i hated seeing him hurt and wish I could take it away, which I guess is what it feels like for the other person when I'm hurting. I dont think I've shown that side just yet to him, but I have a feeling it will be shown soon, especially with the recent nightmares that have triggered. I know that it's not over the person that I would be having them about, but what could have happened maybe. i can never know for sure, but it's comforting knowing that no matter what he is always a phone call or text away to calm me down.
      Anyways...on to a happier topic. I found some people who were selling phones and found out that through them I was eligible for a promotion going on right now. Well, I looked at the phone and there wasnt any way that I could do that. It was considered a smart phone and even though I liked that it was touch screen, I couldnt do it because I would have to pay extra for the data plan and I just dont want to do that. I also looked up some research and found that I am able to get out of my apartment after I turn in my notice. I'm going tomorrow to provide them my written notice for my last day of residency in the apartment being May 31st and will provide them a copy of my contract next week when I get it. I cant wait because it will be so exciting.
      After finding this, I decided to take a nap. After taking a nap I woke up and just played around until later this evening. i had decided to start my P90X workout program today and boy did it kick my butt. It was a hard workout. Today started with Chest and Back and then I did Ab Ripper X. Oh man, my arms feel like jello right now and I dont even think I could do a push up again without falling flat on my face, but I feel good knowing that I'm sticking to my plans and doing it. My constant thought is I want to do this for him and to take care of myself for him. Thats what gets me through the tough parts of the workout where I just want to stop and just be like I give up on this program. I know the program is tough, but that's why I bought it. I know it's tough and I know it works. If guys twice my size can slim down, then I know I can do it! (not that I really need to slim down, but more maintain a weight and get exercise in). I cant wait to see how things progress because I know that unlike the last times where I got part way through starting it and just stopped because it got difficult, that I will prevail this time. I cant wait.
      Well the good news in a way is that I found out that I'm leaving a day earlier. This girl who is leaving the same day as me messaged me on facebook telling me this. So, naturally I was curious and texted my recruiter. He answered me and told me that in fact I was leaving a day earlier and that they had decided to ship us all out a day in advance. I dont know whether to be happy or sad about this because it means one less day with my family and friends and my plans to play that last sunday before I leave are gone. I think I'll talk to C and see if we can have like a going away party with the softball teams and all before I leave. i cant believe how much I really am going to miss everyone, but I know it's for bigger and better things. It's amazing to me how much a positive outlook on life can change things and make them better. I love it.
       The other amazing thing and I am so glad that I got to talk to him today, was that I got to talk to my Grandpa. I dont think there is ever enough time in the world to spend on the phone with him. He amazes me because he has so many stories and he has always been there for me from day one. I told him of my dates and i hope he can come, but I know that he will never fly. In all honesty, 20+ hours is a long way for him to be driving. I think I honestly would be worried if he was driving because when I rode with him he liked driving the wrong direction on the road. I know he doesnt do it on purpose, but his driving sometimes scares me and for him to drive that long and that far worries me. However, it was so awesome talking to him about various things going on. I heard that he's redoing his entire kitchen and taking out everything. I know that i want to go spend some time with my grandpa, and wonder if possible he would want to come if I gave him enough notice, before i leave because I can honestly tell time may be short with him. I just want to enjoy it while I can, plus he's close to all the lovely tourist attractions in Orlando. I hope things work out for me to visit my grandpa.
     It makes me feel so happy to know that he is so proud of me in what I'm doing and that I'm going to be in the military. He is from the Vietnam and Korea era and hasnt told half the horror stories to my mom and aunts as he has told my cousin and me just because we are military. It's amazing and I honestly wouldnt trade my grandpa for anyone else in the world. He may be opinionated and stubborn sometimes, but I know he always loves me no matter what and always wants me to be happy no matter what I do.
      Oh well, time to relax for another day. It's going to be a long day tomorrow possibly. 

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Anxiousness about the future

   Man, what a day today. It was so amazing and beautiful I cant believe that it was just magnificant. I hope there are more days in the future like the one that I had today.
       I started the day out by heading to church with a couple of my good friends. I cant believe that my Sundays with church are dwindling down. I do know that the next Sundays playing softball are going to be amazing and I cant wait to just enjoy them. I love playing softball and was sad that today's games were canceled. I hate not being able to play because it really is a big stress reliever for me. I just love the feeling of hitting the ball and connecting with it.
     Well anyways, we had an interesting discussion today in youth group during church. We were discussing how next month is family month and how the youth and children should be more visible around the church to let others know we are here and around. I believe that the youth really should do this because most people dont really know that we have youth and college age kids at our church. We kind of blend in to everyone else and aren't the ones picked to go up front and act all cute and give palm fronds to their parents or flowers. I think this is a good idea. The funny thing was, and this got me thinking, we were discussing having the youth just participating and taking a roll in things like leading the choir or even preaching. This got me to thinking that it would be so cool to actually preach a sermon to the congregation. Most people hear from my pastor every week, but I think hearing the sermon from a younger person's point of view might sometimes be eye-opening and show a side that most people don't see. I kind of wonder what it would be like to preach and am considering talking to my pastor about it as well as my youth leader. I also plan on volunteering to read some verses and prayer during the service as well because I dont really help out much right now.
       After church was over, I went and hung out with K in the nursery. I had to let her know that I had gotten dates because she was one of the first people I talked to when I was originally debating on going active duty or trying to continue school. Plus it was an added bonus that I just really like hanging out with the little kids. A had a little baby who he probably had to be no more then maybe three to four months old. He was so adorable and his name fit him. I swiped him from her and had fun with him. I find it weird but a good thing I guess that i love kids as much as I do. He was so cute. He started getting fussy though and after three people trying to calm him down, J finally figured out what was wrong. He was wet. Well, I volunteered to change him since the others were busy and J was trying to wrangle up his two young ones. I started changing him and was getting ready to ball up the diaper when K stopped me and was like you need to put a diaper on him now, cause otherwise you're going to get a shower you dont want. Well, I followed through and put it on and then balled it up. It was funny because then he went back to being a perfectly happy and content little baby. It was so cute. It's good though that I get to work with little babies and toddlers in church because it satisfies me for now. I honestly feel everyday I see little kids that I cant wait to have my own, but I'm not going to rush anything either. I want to enjoy a few years of my life and just have fun before I have kids.
       Well enough about kids because that topic is quite a few years down the road. I headed home with my friends after checking out a rock climbing place and couldnt believe how much I loved rock climbing and how awesome the place was after the one time I went there. Well anyways...I got home and was hungry and decided that I really wanted to be healthy. I went to the grocery store and spent a total of $9 on two heads of lettuce and other things for salad. I couldnt believe how little it cost to get that and some bread. It was amazing and i know that I'm going to eat no more fast food. My goal is no more fast food like McDonalds or Wendy's even with my crazy hectic schedule. I think that restaurants, like sit down ones, are okay but I am making myself order either chicken grilled or a salad. I'm trying to stay healthy and I know that he will like it because I'm working hard to take care of my body. I cant believe how amazing and happy I feel about all of it.
       After eating lunch, i was relaxing and watching tv when I got a phone call from my friend who had left for basic about two weeks ago almost. He sounded a lot better and in higher spirits. The only bad thing is, and this scared me a little bit, was that i needed to start training harder and that it was harder then what we were told and ever thought. I admit that I'm nervous now and that feeling grows more and more everyday. I know and have a good feeling that I will do fine, but at the same time I cant help but feel nervous too that I'm not as prepared as I think. I just hope I do fine, but I think I will and I know I have an amazing support system. I think my worry though is that it will be hard to handle leaving him. I think though and his saying is right that distance does make the heart grow fonder. I am glad though that I can let him know far enough in advance my graduation date so he can get time off as well as my family. The one thing that keeps running through my head about the whole thing is the song "Far Away" by Nickleback, especially the lines "On my knees, i'll ask last chance for one last dance 'cause with you I'd withstand all of hell to hold your hand..." The last part is a little dramatic but the part that hits home is where it talks about withstanding all of hell to hold his hand. I know that basic is referred to as hell and i know I can make it through as long asi have him there.
         Well after enjoying my lunch and dinner and just relaxing I took a nap and passed out. I remember having an extremely bad dream about basic, but not being able to wake myself up. it was the worse feeling possible, but I know that i will have more of them as time passes. I just know though that if anything happens, I can always call him or text him and he can calm me down. He has seen me at my best, my halfway and my worst. I dont quite know what my half way is, maybe the point partially where I'm ready to break down but hopeful too. Idk, but either way he is there for me and I know it. I am really starting to realize just how much he has been there for me so far and will continue to be there for me. I cant wait to see how things progress.
       I also have to admit that I am anxious for this next week to pass by for my doctor's appointment to come. I'm nervous as can be about it and just want to get it done and over with so it is over. I dont want it hanging over my head that it could be something bad, but until then I'm not going to think that. I'm just going to continue to think positive thoughts and focus on other things in my life.
      Well after a fun filled day like today, I am anxious to see what this week has in store. hopefully nothing too horrible because the mixture of emotions last week was far too much for me. I am hopeful it will be an amazing week though.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

So much to do...so little time

 Wow, last night was...umm...there's no words to describe it. I had so many emotions that went through my head last night it was crazy. I must admit that I learned a lesson the hard way.
       Last night me and him talked about an issue that had popped up. I had made a stupid mistake and regretted it. However, after the talk I'm not going to beat myself up over it. Much like he told me to do, I'm going to look at it like a lesson learned. I realized though just how lucky I was to have him in my life. It's funny how almost losing something makes you appreciate it that much more. I did also realize that I needed to stop worrying about trying to fight my battles on my own. It doesnt matter that I have had to fight for everything I have in my life in the past, because my present and hopefully the future are filled with him in it helping me to fight my battles. It has taken me so long to get used to him being there for me, that it almost cost me everything with him.
      I have had some changes made to how things are being done, but I understand the reason why. I broke his trust and need to earn it back. So for now,I only focus on him when he's talking to me on the computer and I have to ask permission to talk with anyone other then my family. It's different, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to earn his trust back. I just hate that I lost it.
      I remember feeling so upset last night and this morning because he was upset with me. It killed me that I had made him upset. I think that is the most I have ever cried and he saw it all. I do have to say though I'm going to stick with what he said with it though and chalk it up to a lesson learned. I will NEVER put myself in the situation I did before becuase I know now that I have him fighting in my corner and that no matter what he will always be there for me, he's not running away. I know it's taken me some time to realize it, but I know that if anything happens I'm going straight to him.
      Today was an uneventful day though. I slept a good bit of the day, waking up partially in the early morning hours to the storm rolling through. The sound of the thunder rolling over my head scared me slightly when I was half awake. I couldnt believe that it scared me, but I nudged it off and rolled over, falling back asleep in no time. I woke up later in the day after resting, with a text message good morning and asking if I was awake right after I woke up.
       I relaxed and texted him back and forth and checked my facebook. It seemed the bad weather had hit everywhere today. After a few text messages back and forth, I was given the task of writing about what I thought being submissive meant and how I could work to be more submissive in everyday life. I started writing on it, not wanting to upset him anymore. It took me about an hour and a half to two hours to write it. I cant believe how many thoughts were running through my head on this issue. I just couldnt figure out what to put where. I started giving a brief overview that lead to why I think a submissive is what I think it is. I only hope that he likes it. I tried my best because that is what he asks me to do everyday.
        After finishing that, I cleaned up my room a little bit more. My plans to do a trash run were changed today with the major bad weather that hung over. So i just relaxed, hanging out in my room and enjoying my day off. The only sad thing is I know that the bad weather was going on where he was at for part of the time too. I dont normally worry, but when weather starts getting bad enough that it can spawn tornados, I worry about him being out in it. I know that his job may not seem dangerous, but when he's out there during bad weather working to save others lives, I view that as heroic in my book.
      I also started my checklist of various things that I need to bring to basic. The bad thing is i have to buy quite a few things. I think that I'm going to see if I can get out of my lease in June which will save me about $330 on rent for that month. That money can be used to help pay bills. The only thing is that I have to talk to a few friends to find a place to stay in the area because I will be working at the desk on campus over the summer too. It shocks me how much I have to get done before I leave. I know that it will be especially hard for me to say goodbye to him too. I know he'll be there for me though. I cant wait to figure out some good bases to put on my wishlist. That should be fun to do and I'm excited to figure out places to live
     I hope that tomorrow is better. After getting through today, there is always hope that tomorrow will be better. I'm thinking its best to just take one step and put it in front of the other. I am positive that things will be fine no matter what after all that I learned.

A Thought Provoking Topic For Sure

   A thought provoking topic for me is the one I've been faced to write about. I have come to realize that I am a submissive person in both personality and actions. When younger, I never really noticed it until I stepped in to the dating scene and just in classes in general. I never really knew what it was until I stumbled on some information talking about the lifestyle when I was a sophomore in high school. To me, I thought this was a little weird and that it just wasnt normal. However, I never one tried altering my activites or my actions at all. I just cast my thoughts to the back of my mind and strived for normal relationships.
       I must admit that I struggled so much to maintain a normal relationship dynamic, but for me it just wasnt possible. I dated a couple guys here and there, but I was never happy. My high school relationships understandable didnt last long, but I graduated and moved on to bigger and better things. I started college with a fresh new outlook and continued to research into the lifestyle I had come across in high school. I finally had the time and availability to be able to research more into it. Not to mention i didnt have to worry about snooping parents getting on and catching what I was looking up. That, in my eyes, was a conversation I just didnt want to have with them (and still dont in all honesty).
        My research lead me more and more into the lifestyle as I searched into the world of BDSM to find out what various things mean. I kept coming across two words used to describe people who felt that they gave up control of the situation to people called Masters/Doms---slave and submissive. I honestly felt confused because I had no idea what the two were when I first looked into things. I didnt see myself as a slave because that word to me made me think about the old days being locked up and so much control. I just knew that they meant someone who willingly gave up their control of the situation. These people seemed to thrive in this though and I admit it puzzled me. I find myself liking the idea more and more of having someone else have the control. Now that I look back on that, I think most of it is because I've had to fight so hard my entire life for everything I have, that for someone to take control and fight the good fight for me is so much better to me.
       I found though that it involved so much more then just giving up control. I saw in almost every situation that there was also some connection behind it. The people who were seen as slaves or submissives seem to all have the same thing going on. They all thrived in making the person over them happy. To them it made them so happy and they glowed or had amazingly happy thoughts when their Master/Dom was pleased with them and proud of them. I think this is where it finally kicked in on my mind that was one dynamic that I liked. I liked the idea that i was a submissive in personality and actions. I realized I was always the one trying to please everyone and it made my day when they were happy. I slowly came to the realization that I just wasnt happy in my normal relationships. I wanted something more because to me they all just seemed too platonic.
        Well as I looked into it more and more I found that i was truly submissive. To me I found that my definition of a submissive was similar to the one that other people were defining it as. Others felt that being submissive was someone who voluntarily yielded control over to someone else but they also still get to have their own opinions and say so on things. This was way different then what I saw for someone who was a slave. I definitely knew I wasnt a complete slave because I had my own opinions and wasnt going to become someone who was mindless and just did what i was told to. I understand that some people like that, but to me that wasnt who I am. Well, after seeing that a submissive only had moments during the day where the dynamic applied, I realized that I was a mixture between the two. I couldnt see myself giving up total control and losing m thoughts and all, but i also wasnt satisfied with merely passing moments of submission either. I liked the idea of something being everyday, but also being able to keep my own thoughts and opinions. I didnt like the thought of becoming a mindless girl.
      To me, after all the research I had done, I found that my definition of being sumissive was someone who voluntarily gives up either partial or total control to a partner and is happy by pleasing whoever their partner is by various things they do in their everyday life. I feel that to me I like pleasing people and have always done that no matter who the relationship was with, parents or friends alike. To me it makes me proud and I thrive off knowing that my partner in the relationship is pleased and that I'm making them happy. It just makes my day to make others happy and know that they're proud of me.
      I guess the one goal I have now is to figure out how I can be submissive in everyday life. I feel that with my relationship, I shouldnt submit myself to just anyone. i think in order for me to work on being submissive everyday, especially to my boyfriend and dom, is to make sure that I do everything asking myself if it will make him happy. ultimately to me, everything i do is done for him and reflects on him as well. If I do something wrong, then it reflects on him in a bad way and I wouldnt want that at all. I know that being submissive in everyday life can be marked in different ways, from what I wear to various things I do.
       I know that to me, i will strive to do my best work at Papa John's by being the best delivery driver possible. I know that perfection isnt possible, but that as long as I do my best I know that he will be happy. That's all he asks of me is to do my best in anything I do. By working to be the best employee everyday and not complaining and just doing my job, shows that I am working to please him. Working without complaining shows I'm a hard worker and willing to put forth the effort to get things done no matter what troubles or hardships I'm dealing with.
       I also think that in the sports i play and the way I take care of my body show my submissiveness as well. Working hard to play my best, whatever sport it may be, reflects well on him that I'm willing to work hard to be the best in anything I do. On top of not letting others see my body or just taking care of it by making sure I work out and am not eating a ton of junk food that could harm myself. I realize that my body is no longer mine, but his to do with what he wishes and that I need to take care of it. By taking care of myself, I show that I have pride in myself, much like he has pride in me and who I am.
       The choice to not let others see my body is only reasonable partially because I am in a relationship, and to me that is cheating to let someone else see what isnt theirs to look at, and because it's not a good relfection on him. I know that I shouldnt let others have control over me, or appear to because nobody has any power over me, including my parents.
       By working hard to make sure that I take care of what belongs to him and work to be my best in everything I do, doing it for him instead of just myself, is a great way of being submissive in my everyday life. I know that everything i do may not be influenced as a reflection of him to others, but I know that to myself it is. I know I will strive everyday to make sure that he can be proud of everything I have done, whether it was simply taking care of my laundry and keeping my room clean to patiently dealing with an irrate customer with no complaints. I know that I cant be perfect with this everyday and will have some off days where it seems things go horribly wrong, but with him always there for me I can make it. I only hope that I can acheive my goal everyday to make him proud.                   

Friday, April 23, 2010

Is It Over With Yet?

   Man what a day today has truly been and it's not even over yet. I just dont even know where to begin. I guess the best place to start is from the beginning yet again. I also am sad that while writing this, I have to watch and listen out on the weather because we are facing tornado like weather. It's a sad night when that happens because I dont like bad weather.
        Well anyways....the day started with me waking up at 4:30. This was an early morning, even for me. I was running on about 3 hours of sleep and got to the dorm on campus. The funny thing was that I had misread the time on the text message and didnt have to be at work until 6 instead of 5am like I had thought. I was so mad at myself, so thinking brilliantly I told myself I could curl up in the chairs in the lobby and take a nap there and then I would be good. I would have a quick power nap before work. Well I set my alarm and started off to try and get comfortable. The only bad thing was that no matter how hard I tried, I just couldnt get comfortable. The chair gripped into my back or it gripped into my hip or my head just didnt set right. i finally found a small little position that I got comfortable in when i got called over to the desk. It was time for me to start my shift. Needless to say the next two hours flew by as I amused myself reading Cosmo and over my various paperwork I had brought with me.
      After finishing up with that, I headed home and got home and unwound. Checking messages, I had relaxed just enough to have about an hour's nap. Well, unluckily for me...I wasnt able to take this long for a nap because I couldnt get to sleep because my contact started itching my eye, almost making me think I was going to have to remove them. After about half an hour to an hour, I finally got to close my eyes for about thirty minutes before I finally was able to get some sleep. Thinking and laughing to myself that I should get used to running on little sleep at basic. I was woken up by a phone call from the insurance guy who was coming to take pictures of my car. He wanted to come early. Well, i said sure since I knew that I wasnt going to get any sleep anyways. He showed up and took pictures real fast of my car and then left. I was kind of mad that it took a whole two minutes to take pictures of my car. Oh well, at least I dont have to deal with it and mom is handling it. I hate to hand off the responsibility but if I was on my own, I'd have no clue  what to do anyways.
     Well I got done with that and came back and talked with him for a little while. I was waiting to hear from my manager as to when to meet up with him anyways. I talked with him and while talking with him a friend messaged me. I didnt plan on talking to him long but somehow things progressed. He had messaged me earlier in the morning to tell me that what he did was for me and he wished me luck in basic .I couldnt quite figure it out what he did, but I had a feeling that he had somehow had a hand in me magically getting dates like I did and as early as I did. Well, me and him were talking and things just somehow seemed to go from good to bad. I had only left him a one word message after his saying thanks, but he decided to tell me what he did and it just went downhill from there. i didnt know what to say because he was trying to get me into doing things with him. He was even mentioning how he held all the power and all the influences he could have with things going on with my career. I just didnt know what to do because yes I did have some feelings for him, but it was more I wanted to make everyone happy. I'm very much a people pleaser person and he knows that. He has seen a side of me that most havent seen in me, aside from my new boyfriend. I think at the time I was impressed with the little bit of power that he held, but now it scares me that he has all that power and can influence so much over me.
        He was talking about how he could put my file back and it was almost like he could revoke what he made happen if I didnt do things with him. i just couldnt believe it and was like no, please dont do that. Well we continued talking and he kept pushing me to be with him, saying that he was around before my boyfriend was. I just am a very loyal person and I really do care about my new guy. He is amazing and I wouldnt give up anything for him. I'm not one to cheat on my partner either and I know that doing anything with this guy would be cheating, even if it was kept between the two of us as he suggested. I just couldnt do this and told him so. I felt like he was backing me into a wall because he kept mentioning the power he had over me and it was like he was trying to blackmail me. I have to admit that there has only been one other time that I have felt so truly backed into a corner and helpless and that was the worst and darkest hour of my life, the night that I was assaulted and I lost my virginity/innocence.
      After struggling to figure out what to do, i finally sucked it up and asked my good friend who is into the lifestyle as well and was former military. I felt that since this guy is military and is playing with the power he has with that, that I needed someone to help me figure a way out of this mess. I just couldnt believe I had gotten into this. I mean I had distanced myself from this guy when I first found out the type of power he held over me and my fate in basic training. I just in all honesty couldnt toy with both his future and mine because the consequences of either one of us getting caught was magnified so many times in my head. I just couldnt do it, which thankfully i didnt because life smiled on me later.....but I just distanced myself and he messaged me a little under a month ago asking how I was and I told him that i had found a new guy and that life had turned amazing for me. I was so happy and he understood or so it seemed, but after today's messages it seemed he was just a horny perv using his power to get me to do whatever he wants. Well anyways....I messaged my friend letting him know I had gotten these messages and wasnt sure about them and asked if he could help me figure them out. I was told halfway through work that he felt the same way that I did, this guy was stooping so low as to possibly blackmail me into doing what he wants me to do.
       After talking with him and getting some suggestions from him to keep timestamps and dates of the conversation and anything else he says for future reference to use against him. It was then that I decided to that my dom needed to be let know about what was going on. This was partially because I felt that it would be wrong to hide something from him, but at the same time I knew and hoped that he wouldnt be mad at me for all that went on. I messaged him and let him know. I just am grateful that he was understanding, and hopefully will remain so even after reading this and seeing the accounts of the messages I received. I will keep the guys name a secret because I dont want him to be a dead man but it is so comforting to know that he will do anything to make this guy stop threatening me and holding his power over my head. I love it and I wouldnt change it all for anything in the world. It is an amazing thing because it's a protective kind of love to me....not the crazy protective love that others have lol. I know he just wants to make sure I'm taken care of and safe, which means no crazy guys trying to hold power over me.
      Well needless to say the night went well at work with me taking out various orders all night long. I ended up taking out quite a few orders and just getting good tips. i didnt make a lot of money but it was pretty good for the night. I know for sure that I'm not going to count on making a set amount of tips every night,especially after my crappy night the other night. It was just a bad night all around, so I go into work now expecting to have a bad night and if it turns out good then it's more power to me. I also that I am getting maximum hours lol. I had another night of overtime tonight. I am going to keep track this week to make sure i'm getting paid correctly for my hours because I think they shorted me hours from last week, but oh well what can you do. Now it's time to start thinking about paying for rent and everything else. I just am ready for it all to be over with already.
        Speaking of rent, I get to talk with my apartment and see when I can get out of my lease at the earliest. I am debating about getting a storage unit or just leaving my stuff at my parents. I just dont want to deal with listening to my mom complain about how my stuff is there and everything else. I just dont want to deal with it really, which she is going to be majorly pissed when I tell her that I am having my sister take control of my accounts while I'm in basic. I just trust my sister a lot with everything and I know that she wont screw me out of money like my mom would thinking I owed her money and just taking it out my account without asking or saying anything. I just dont want to deal with that. But this should be interesting. I'm not going to tell my mom who is getting power of attorney over my accounts, but if my sister wants to oh well. Oh well, a lot of stuff to do before I leave for basic. I'm just ready to leave, but cant wait to spend time with him before I leave too. I'm going to be so sad when I have to give him that last hug goodbye before I leave. Ugh, getting sad thinking about it. Oh well, that was most of my fun events for the day. I just hope that I am reading things right and that he isnt upset with me or feels that I did the right thing with the situation I wasin. I'm not normally one to keep things from people, so hopefully it works well in this case.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Blessings in Disguise Throughout the Day.....

  Wow what a day!!! i feel truly blessed after an amazing day like today. It has been so amazing that I dont even know where to start. I guess the best place if any is when the day started.
      The day started with me waking up. I had to get gas this morning so I made sure to be out of the house by about 9:15. Well I headed over to get gas and got really lucky that gas had gone down. It ws so much fun! i grabbed some lovely gas and then headed to work. It was funny because I got to work just in time and I had left about thirty minutes out. I felt proud of myself that I could show up on time even when running late. I would have been upset with myself for being late, partially because I am still working on doing things not just for myself but him too. I think that me showing up late would reflect bad on not only me but him too. I cant quite connect how just yet, but I know it would.
     Well, after work I headed over to have some lunch with my mom and her coworkers. I had so much fun with them. It's cool because they treat me like I'm one of them and CB laughs cause my mom just lays into me with the sarcasm and getting onto me for things everytime we hang out with them. They were asking me about my contract and somehow the conversation got back to him again. I laughing told my mom that he had mentioned that if they wanted to run a background check that he was clean. I think this was after them joking about if he was clean or if he was still on probation at the time. They joke about it, but sometimes it eats me up. However, I can understand where theyre coming from so I can definitely see that.
      Anyways....after hanging out with my mom and getting some information, I headed to the bookstore to kill some time. I had about an hour to kill and I didnt want to keep sitting in my mom's office bored out of my mind. I decided to just kill time, so it worked. I hung out there and was looking up some research for various things that popped into my head, when I looked at my phone and it was my recruiter calling. I answered the phone, curious as to why he was calling me. In all honesty he had me puzzled, thinking maybe he missed me checking in yesterday. Well, I answered and he asked how I was doing, the normal chit-chat type thing. I told him fine and then he started asking me if I would be fine if I had gotten my second pick, the medical job. To this I replied I would and gave the same answer about my first pick too. He surprised by then saying that some jobs had come across his desk and that he had a contract for me and it was my number one pick. I couldnt believe it and all I could mutter was asking him if that meant I had dates. I could tell he was laughing, but i heard him say that yes he did. I couldnt believe it. I finally had a job and a date. It was what I finally wanted. I was even more shocked when he told me that my date was June 29th. I just couldnt believe it. I was in utter shock.
        After recovering from the shock, I finally made the round of phone calls to everyone and let them know what was going on. It was so amazing to let them know that I finally had dates for everything and that it was so soon. It was so much fun. I couldnt believe it still. I have so little time to spend time with the most important people before I leave. I'm sure that I'll have some time for it all. I just have to figure it all out.
        I headed to work and it just seemed work went amazing tonight. We were doing single run thursdays, but I just hated the fact that you could only take one order at a time. It actually turned out better for me because I ended up making almost $40 in tips tonight. I couldnt believe it. I was so amazed! I like it, but I guess that's because we were so busy I was constantly going in and out of the store until almost 8 when it was finally time for me to leave. It felt so good to make all those deliveries and it seemed everyone was so nice and I got a tip from everyone. I was so amazed. I just couldnt believe how amazing everything has turned out. I know that no matter how bad things get, there is always a good side. I know that because he reminds me and I was reminded of it by someone else today. I just cant wait to find out what the future has in store.
       I'm also getting excited because its getting closer and closer to me going to visit him. It's going to be so amazing and I know I will have a ton of fun. I think if it was any other person I would be nervous, and I have to be honest in that there is a slight hint of nervousness with me, but not as much as would normally be there. I cant believe and hope these next couple of weeks go by so fast because I'm just ready to see his face in person and to just be held in his arms. I know that I will have to get over a couple of my punishments while I'm there too, but I did earn them and it is his way of teaching me where my place is. I think after today's news though, it makes me sad that I dont have as much time to spend with him as I thought. I know though that he will always be there and like he told me today, I know that "distance makes the heart grow fonder". Yes basic will be hard, but knowing I'm doing it not just for myself but him too can be a really good motivator.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Wishful Thinking and Missing His Arms

 Man what a day. I cant believe how up and down it was truly filled. I just couldnt believe what had happened. I just couldnt believe about that. I am just glad that today has finally ended and I can destress and relax myself.
     The day started out amazing. I went to work and had some fun. I found myself practicing my  new thought on doing things for him instead of just for myself. It's a new way of thinking and I really like it. I find myself liking this new approach. I went through the day dealing with my manager and actually got through it without complaining. I powered through my work and ended up doorhanging on about 40-60 houses instead of the 20-30 my manager did. Not to down him or anything because I know that would be mean. But it was amazing because my whole thought process was that I wanted to do it for him and make him proud. I didnt want to just do it for me and I also knew that if I started to complain again anyways, he would just tell me to suck it up and do the work. I told myself that by just doing it, I could hope to make him proud.
       Well I finished up work and left to hang out in my new hangout between shifts, McDonalds. It's amazing because all I have to do is order a drink and I can hang out there as long as I want. Well I felt accomplished because the whole time I was in McDonalds I was researching information and had realized everything I had set aside for bills and all. I couldnt believe that things were starting to turn around for me. It was awesome. Well I told him all that had gone on so far and he was totally awesome with it. I even was told that I made him proud because I was more focused on doing things not just for myself anymore.
      While talking with him, I was checking messages that me and another girl were sending back and forth through a discussion board. It was awesome because we actually added each other on facebook and started talking. She graduated a year after me, but swore in only two months after me. She just swore in about 2-3 days ago and was considering a special career just like me, but after seeing that not a lot of women go into that career field, she chose to go in the same career as me. It was awesome talking to someone who was looking to get into the same career field as me, especially because I dont usually get along well with girls for the most part. I have mostly guy friends and a few good girl friends just because I dont like dealing with all the high school drama girls create. I'm out of high school and in the adult world and it's time to act like it. Well it was awesome because me and her became friends and started talking. I hope to keep talking with her as we both progress.
        After talking with her, I left and went to get my emissions test done for my car. It took me a little bit to find the place, but I came at the right time because there was no wait for me to get my car done. The guy pulled me in and I began the inspection, he plugged a cap into my gas can testing the pressure is what the screen said. After that he plugged something into my car and tested the emissions on it. I'm not sure what that did but apparently my car passed. I didnt think it wouldnt pass, but I was glad.
      After passing the emissions test, I left for work and got there just in time. The new manager was working which meant that things would be interesting. F was working with him too, but it seemed things were looking up and I was going to be positive. I took out my first two orders. I ended up getting lost on the way to my second order. Putting it into my GPS, I still ended up lost. I ended up completely opposite the side of the road where I wanted it to be. I hated it and felt so upset. I was nearly in tears by the time I finally got to the place to deliver the order. I had already apologized to him and said that I had gotten lost and that I would be there shortly. Well he called in on me and ended up getting the pizza free saying it was 90 minutes since he had ordered the pizza. I felt so bad and the way he made me feel crummy when I handed him the pizza sucked. I got into my car and cried with all the pent up frustration and anger at myself. I was so upset that I had let this happen and I was trying to be good with it.
      I was texting him the entire time this whole thing was happening and just felt horrible. He calmed me down telling me that I shouldnt worry about it that it happens to everyone. I just couldnt believe it, but I trusted him and knew he was right. I still felt horrible, but did my best to shrug those feelings away. I put them aside and got two phone calls from work during this time, one letting me know the order was free and the other was to check and make sure that I was okay. I felt happy that they were checking up on me. I got into the store and they could tell I was ready to cry. They told me not to worry about it and a couple of the drivers gave me their numbers in case I get lost again that way I can get them to help me out. I was so appreciative that they were so accepting and caring about just making sure that I was okay and not hurt or something. It was amazing knowing the guys care about me and want to make sure i'm okay.
      After shrugging that off, I grabbed another order and headed out to take it out. Thankfully this was a place I knew and an apartment that I had delivered to before. I got there and the lady with the money pulled up about two seconds after. She was extremely nice and recognized me from before. The weird thing and this got me thinking afterwards...was she asked me if I got scared being a girl delivery driver around here. I think in all honesty I am a little bit afraid of what could happen but I know if anything happens he will come kick someones butt and the guys at my work look out for me and they tell me to be careful of runs in certain areas. I am just glad that they are as nice as they because in all honesty they could be mean and just not care what happens to me. I'm glad I have this job and honestly wouldnt change it for all the money in the world (or at least til I leave).
       After that run I came back to the store and was able to take a couple more runs out that were on the screen before being told I was going to be sent home. I couldnt care less because I was already thirty minutes beyond when I was supposed to get off. I looked at it with a positive view that it was more money on the next paycheck to help pay the bills. It's worth it to be honest. Well I ended up getting lost on this last run too but not in as bad of form. I called my manager this time, not wanting to be stupid like last time. He ended up telling me the wrong place to go, so in frustration I called the lady asking her to tell me how to get to her apartment from the entrance. It was awesome because she was so patient and understanding with me especially after I mentioned that I was new and still learning the area. i pulled up and she was waiting for me outside. She was understanding that it was hard to find. I left with about a $3 tip and headed back to the store.
      I was so ready to get off after that. Well I got back to the store and I somehow got roped into doing the dishes. I was told I was going to get off when I got back, but somehow I had to do the dishes. Oh well, I grinned and beared it. Smiling to myself, knowing this was even more money being added to my check. I have no problem with staying and doing overtime if they need me. I was just glad to get out of there when I got done there.
         I headed home, the whole time thinking and wishing that I could be headed home to him and relaxing with him. I know that soon that will happen, about two weeks from now, but I was impatient tonight. I just couldnt believe it about how tonight had gone. I am just glad that i can finally destress from everything and go for a nice run. I know that I wont be able to see him until tomorrow night, but at least that's a happy thought tonight. For now, i get to go for a nice run and then sleep. Hopefully tomorrow will be better but until then I will hold my head high and just think positive.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

My Crazy Hectic Life

   Today has been filled amazing and just emotion filled yet again. Most of the time it was amazzing and just filled with a ton of happy things. I wouldnt redo this day over again for any amount of money in the world.
       I woke up this morning to another good morning text message. I dont know how he does it on such little sleep. We went to sleep at the same time and he had less sleep the night before compared to me. I went to sleep and didnt wake up til about eleven thirty today. It felt so good to sleep in. I woke up to a wonderful text message though. I love waking up to them because I have a feeling that he loves getting them when he wakes up in the morning. I talked with him off and on all day. I love it when I get to do that.
      I didnt get to see him the other night so I got to talk to him yesterday when I got home and talking to him all day today made my day. It's almost as if I get withdrawals when I dont talk to him. I was so impressed with him. I found out today that he will always be there for me no matter what. He doesnt know just how much he makes me want to cry happy tears when I see him say that. He even told me that he wants to take care of me because he likes to treat his girl like his princess but he's still the head of the household. I love that idea about him because I like the idea of being treated like a princess, and it appears that way to others, while he still has control of the household. It just seems natural to me for the guy to have the control of the hosuehold and all. I guess that's why I'm submissive in personallity.
       We got to talking because I told him he didnt have to buy a dress for me. I just have always had to take care of myself since I was about 10 or 11. My family made me start dinner and take care of myself and my homework and then I had to follow my bedtime schedule and all. It sucked and I hated it, even after this continued into my teenage years. I have gotten so used to having to take care of myself that I'm shocked and typically fight when someone else offers to pay for me or do something for me. I'm not used to it and it just shocks me. I told him that and told him that I had to convince myself everyday that he is real and isnt going anywhere and has no problem taking care of his little one. It felt good today to see that he told me that he would not go anywhere and hasnt noticed anyone else because he's so attracted to me. I just cant believe it. I'm glad that he's understanding of my situation and it's just going to take some time for me to get used to him taking care of me in little ways.
       Well anyways after I finished talking with him, i headed to work to do my little two hour shift of driving and delivering pizzas. I started the shift and was joking around with him, when I went a little bit too far. We were talking about how his song is always on the radio at which he said that it could mean its a good song or the radio must really like him. I sent a response with a little bit of sarcasm attached to it but it was mostly true. However there was still some implied sarcasm. I am very bad at being sarcastic and the more I realize it, I think it is kind of my wall or protective barrier. I dont know what it protects me from, but I think it may be my wall. However despite this, I think that my wall has been down with him, but I cant think of why I keep having sarcastic comments towards him. I hate it because it gets me in trouble with him and I hate being in trouble with him. I just hate it so badly.
       Well after talking with him, he reassured me yet again that I would always be his little one even if I was in trouble that i just have to be taught. I understand that he must teach me and it is comforting everytime to see that I'm still his little one. Lately my fear is that I'll get in trouble so much that he'll just get mad and say okay thats enough and leave. I think though that with everything he has said so far, my hope is that he wont leave me. I was told that he had to come up with a punishment strict enough because i had gotten into trouble two days in a row. I wish and thought that what he had done would have worked and sunk in with me, but I guess it didnt.
        I was told to come up with my own punishment and work out a way on how to be better about not being sarcastic. Well the only ideas that came revolving up were a mixture of things. I hope that what I came up with is fine. I think that I should lose my facebook for a time between one and two weeks, have spankings added to my tally (between 15 to 20 or a few more depending on how he feels), and hold a coin against a wall for a set amount of time with either my nose or my tongue (think my tongue would be most effective because its what I use to create my sarcastic comments). I just hope that those work and he is okay with those. Those are the only ideas I could really think of.
       The other part of my punishment was to talk about how I would work at being better and not so sarcastic. I think part of that was realizing that my sarcastic nature is usually a guard that I have up against friends and others. It's usually because my parents are very sarcastic and I have had to work to defend myself against them and the people I cared about the most were extremely sarcastic with me. I have to learn that he isnt going to hurt me or do anything to cause me harm. I have realized that, esepcially after tonight, and realized that I need to start focusing more on what I say and if it would be okay. i normally just write something and fire it off, not really thinking before I write it or send it. I think that I really should work on thinking before I speak or act because it is what gets me into trouble. I am one person who acts on impulse and I think that by working on this I can help myself stop being sarcastic as well as improve me personally. I guess most of it is though that I really need to let it set in, and I think after this lesson it will, that he is not going to harm me and that he is here for me no matter what. He has no hidden agenda or anything. It's a new concept to get used to for me, but I think after tonight I have really realized that I need to do this for myself and ultimately for him too.
         Well today has been such a long day but I'm happy. I picked up a work shift at the dorm desk on friday from 6 to 8am. I also work that night but I'm just excited that things are starting to look up. I also realized tonight that i'm slowly starting to pay off my bills. I paid my cell phone bill, paid 20 of my 40 insurance, set aside 40 of my 88 car tags, and just have my rent and apartment fees left for this month. I cant believe that my bills are finally decreasing. Next month i'll have a little bit to pay, but I also have to remember that on the 30th I have to have 12 for my doctor's copay. It's amazing that I'm finally getting things paid off though. I feel proud of myself that I only have a couple more things to pay and that with me not eating out I can save a good bit of money by spending only money on gas. I cant wait to see what tomorrow has in store for me.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Punishment Nerves

   Wow, today has been between enjoyable and frustrating and all of the emotions at once. I love though being able to talk to him because no matter what's going on, he knows how to calm me down like nobody else.
       The day started out with my waking up and heading to work. I felt bad because I had passed out on him last night, not even waking up when he called me twice last night. I felt bad, but I knew I was exhausted. I headed to work, waiting a little bit to send him a good morning text message because I knew he was probably sleeping. I was surprised to receive a good morning text on my way to work though. It was amazing and sweet. I dont think he quite knows just how much he lights up my mornings when I see that text message with "Good morning lil one". I headed to work and continued to text him, but my morning kind of slowed down. I hit major traffic jam within two minutes of getting on the interstate. It seemed a tractor trailer had flipped over.
         Well the good thing was with all the traffic and everything was that I made it to work safe and sound. The bad thing was I had to go doorhang and put flyers on doors with the jerk manager again. I dont normally get so easily pissed off, but just the way he carries himself makes me mad. He fiddles with things in my car, locks my car on his own(to make sure the alarm is set I have to lock it with the key), and just walks off and leaves me when we're doorhanging when I dont know the areas we're in. I felt proud of myself this morning because I went and put flyers on the doors in the apartment buildings. I put flyers on 10 of the buildings in the time it took my manager to do like 5-6. I know I'm younger and all but he's just cracks me up. I just got pissed when we went from there to another parking lot where he had us putting flyers on cars again and I ended up getting the longer part of the parking lot done. But I sucked it up and got the job done, especially after I got a text message telling me to "Stop complaining and get the job done". I just sighed then sucked it up and dealt with it.
        Well after work, i got done and grabbed the pizzas I had ordered and headed to my moms work. It was so much fun sitting around and listening to these guys joke around with each other and all. It was so cool to watch it. I loved that my mom could have this kind of relationship with her coworkers. I hope someday to have that relationship. The fun part was when they got to telling stories about their kids and all. Of course with me sitting there, my mom had to join right in. I was just getting lashed with her left and right, but oh well I guess it was all in good fun.
          I talked with CB some and got some more advice. I think he's kind of like a third father, Mr C takes second place, and just wants to make sure that I'm doing things okay. It was cool because I showed mom a picture of him to maybe see if she would even be interested and her only response was she'd rather meet him in person. I started getting questions from CB, trying to fish out information. They were joking around but I'm sure they would check his background and all and see what they could pull up. I dont have a problem in telling them, but of course I'm going to make sure it's okay with him first. I understand that you know my private life is private but I also know that I dont want people snopping around on him and trying to figure out who he is and threatening him if harm is done to me or anything like that, even though I know I will always be happy and I truly do believe that he wont let anything bad happen to me ever. But all those questions made for an interesting conversation.
        I also felt bad because he became worried when I stopped texting him while I was eating. I didnt realize that my not texting him for a short period of time would cause him to worry. But I can see now that it would because he didnt know if I was driving and I had left them or if I was still with them and something happened. I hate making him worry, but I like that he worries about me because it means that he does care about me. I just feel horrible that I made him worry about me. I should have texted him to let him know I was eating, but I got sidetracked. I found out later this afternoon that I'm going to be punished for it. I just cant imagine what it could be. He has told me before that he has had creative ideas and I believe it with him being country. I tell myself that I'm thinking too hard on it when I imagine it being another 30 minutes in position, but I also wonder if it was serious enough for that. Then I think that it could be spankings added onto my tally, but then I think that it might be I lose my facebook privilages for a time and maybe some time in position. I just dont know really. i mean it could be any one of those or a combination of them. I do know that whatever it is, I do deserve it and that he has to teach me. I dont learn unless I'm taught.
          Well tonight I was able to hang out with my sister. I got to talk with her and to be honest she made me mad a little bit, but I also decided that I dont care what people think for sure. I told my sis I was dating and she asked basic questions like where he lived and all and she kind of got a weird look on her face when I said in the south. She then asked if I had met him and said not yet. Her response was to ask me how you can be dating if you've not even met yet. I dont let her know about the extremely personal side of my life, partially because she wouldnt understand(my other really good girl friend understands and is accepting of it and asks me about some things and how I'm doing). She immediately goes I dont approve if you havent met him to which I promptly replied I dont care and it doesnt matter. I love her opinion and all but I dont need someone to vouch for my guy. I know that with him I will be cared for and will always be happy, especially after this afternoon when he said he was going to give me his class ring. I couldnt believe he said he'd let me wear it to have something of him. I know I will for sure be putting it around my neck to keep it close to my heart. But anyways....I realized tonight that I dont need people to approve of my relationships. I'm an adult and make my own choices. Besides that I know that I'm happy and he's happy and thats all that matters. I know for sure I will be safe when I go to meet him just to be 100% sure. Which I know that he has no problem with me calling a friend to let them know I made it safe and all or anything of that nature. I love that he is so open and honest. But I came to realize that important lesson tonight thatI really dont care what others think about me and him because I'm happy.
          I cant wait for tonight. I'm anxious to get my punishment over for one, but I'm also anxious to talk to him about what I found out tonight. I still am letting it sink in that he's going to let me wear his class ring. I am shocked but I really do realize he has to really care to let me wear that especially since nobody else has worn it. I just love that idea and wonder if he would wear mine...i know it's small for him to wear but maybe it could be on a chair for him. I've never given another guy my class ring to wear or let anyone else wear it. Tonight shall be interesting. I think it is time for a nap so that I can stay up and talk with him, but not til I change my laundry out.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Softball Days are Always Fun :)

  Man today has been amazing and exhausting all at the same time. I woke up this morning early, ready to head to church and just enjoy things. I love beautiful days and was ready for the fun day ahead of softball.
         I was headed to work and had texted him good morning. My morning it seemed was going to get better. I felt amazing and couldnt wait to get my games over with. I felt tired though sitting in youth group and couldnt believe it was going to be a long day. I was texting him all through youth group to keep myself awake. I am glad that I have him because in all honesty I would have fallen asleep if it hadnt been for him.
   After youth group, i headed for the store with my friends. We had about an hour and a half to kill and didnt want to go to the ball field early. We walked around and I got an evil idea when passing by some UT things. I couldnt believe that I had an idea to send him a picture of me in a UT shirt. I just thought it would be funny, but I decided against it to not take a chance on things. I just didnt want to risk another bad punishment. Well I sent him a text message telling him I was thinking about being bad and sending him the picture but decided against it. It was funny.
        Well we went from the store to the ball field and began to warm up for our first game. It was funny because I didnt change til I almost got there, but I found I didnt really want to change. I wanted to wear a skirt while playing, but I also didnt want to flash everyone. I guess I just had a girly moment. I put my shorts on under my skirt, pulling them up to where you couldnt see them. It was fun because I started the game as an extra. I got traded into position, but after a couple minutes I was traded from outfield to play catcher. I can say it was highly amusing playing catcher in a skirt. I do admit that it's a good thing that I had put the shorts on underneath.
        I was excited for myself though when I got down to the bat. I was so ready to hit and knew that I had to do well. I watched the first one and it was a ball. The second one was a strike because I wildly swung at it. I knew I shouldnt have gone for it. I went for it anyways. Well the next one was a beautiful pitch. i remember seeing it hit the bat and running lik wild. I apparently had a good hit that came out of nowhere. i didnt get to run the bases very well with that one, but it was still a good hit.
       After our first game, which we lost, i ended up sitting on the bench the second game. I'm not happy about it, but I can understand that we had some extra players that needed to play. i just wish that I could have played too, but oh well. It was a fun day and it was amazing to watch my team come back as well as they did.
          Man, today has just been amazing and exhausting. I cant believe that it is almost over. Normally I cant really fall asleep until I've heard from him, but I think tonight will be an exception to that. I just feel so exhausted and tired from being on the go. Oh well, here's to a good week ahead. I know for sure I'll get to talk to him tomorrow afternoon when I get home from work or tomorrow night, depending on what he's doing.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Being Home Alone is Never Good....

   Wow, what a day. It was an amazingly good day I cant believe it. I was able to sleep it for yet another day, amazingly sweet to sleep in. I love that I get to enjoy my weekends because during the week I feel like I am constantly on the go. I am one of those people who love relaxing when getting the chance.
       Well last night was interesting to say the least. I finally had my punishment. Let's just say waiting the whole day was torture for me. I dreaded it, but at the same time knew that I deserved it because he had to teach me where I stood in things. I understand that. Well, anyways back to the punishment. I can say that I thought it would be a piece of cake and the time would pass by extremely fast and it would be over with. Well, that just wasnt the case. My time started and I began to still myself to make sure I didnt move. Focusing on various things, like listening to what was going on with the show on the tv, helped me get through in the beginning. At about the fifteen to twenty minute mark, I felt myself slowly beginning to lose my control. I felt the need to move around and all. I tried to control myself and I found it hard for me to keep from moving. I never knew that I would have so much trouble with sitting still. Well, the last ten to fifteen minutes passed and I found my body starting to ache and shake a little bit as well. I tried hard and only had to be told once to remain still. It's odd how well I listen when Im in trouble with him.
       I finished my punishment, but I hope that I wont have to ever do it again for a while. It was bad to me, although I have a feeling he may have some more evil ideas in store. I was proud that I had finished the punishment with only being told to be still once, which was towards the end. I'm sure in time if I have to do it again, I will learn to be still even when my body is aching. I lost feeling in my feet and legs, so I had to move them with my hands and massage them to regain feeling in them. I know for sure I will definitely not want to try that one again. I know for sure I learned my lesson in I will never lie to him again. I didnt really mean to lie on purpose but I still lied even playfully.
      We talked some more last night and then went to sleep. It was so amazing waking up to a good morning text message. I hope he feels the same way because normally most of the time it's me sending him a good morning text message. I felt so relaxed after waking up this morning with sleeping in for a while. I can never catch up on my sleep it doesnt feel like.
      I started out the day talking with him and of course my microphone doesnt work. I am getting really frustrated with my computer and thinking about downgrading back to earlier form of windows because I didnt have all these problems before. I think I will do that instead. I worked on the story and finally finished it today. I think it was partially because I had some motivation for it as well. I cant believe that it took me as long as it did to finish it, but I also hope that he likes it. I didnt really think it turned out well, but I guess I will find out when he gets home.
   I finished that and went to hang out with one of my friends to do some shopping with him. I had to get some khaki shorts for work, but ended up not finding any where we were at. However, it was amazing talking with my friend. He's so happy for me and can tell that I'm amazingly happy. He feels that he is a good guy and has a good head on his shoulders after I was telling him how he had stuck by with everything that had gone on and was still around. I even described to him how he was always there for me when my life got crazy and hectic and it was just everyone around me was falling away from me, but he stuck by my side. i find myself blushing and just get extremely happy whenever I'm talking about him. i love the way it feels talking about him and knowing that I'm his always. It's a special feeling I love and hope it doesnt go away. I know i admitted to him a short time ago that I didnt want to lose him and I still feel that way. I'm not afraid of him, I'm extremely afraid of losing him. I think that if what I've had going on lately hasnt scared him away, then I hope that I'm right in thinking he'll be able to stay around.
      Tonight has been interesting, filled with working out and killing time watching tv. I find myself hearing strange noises and wishing I was talking to him. I think when talking with him it doesnt matter if I'm by myself, I know that I'm safe. He makes me feel so safe. I hear random sounds and wish i was talking to him. I am not one to normally be afraid of the dark, but when home alone and by myself, I find myself hearing noises that I dont think I should be hearing or other things. I hate it and love when he's talking to me because I dont pay attention to random noises. I dont freak out. Lol, I think he is my distractor and protector even when we're apart. I dont think I could admit that I like having a guy there for me because I know I'll always be safe. I guess I really like knowing that I'm safe because after my piece of mind was taking by the guy who assaulted me, it's been hard for me to feel safe again. I find myself when talking with him or doing things for him, feeling that sense of safety. Like tonight I heard weird noises, but knew he'd be online soon enough to ease my fears.