Monday, May 31, 2010

Tomorrow Is Only a Day Away

   This day couldnt have been any worse then what it was. I was happy and go lucky thinking that it was going to be a good day since it was my last day here. Well, this belief just went out the window after the start to my morning.
    I woke up and it was a good day. I had gotten plenty of rest and it seemed I was wide awake. Last night was yet another night of me not being able to sleep until about three this morning. It seems that it doesnt matter what I do or how early I try to get to sleep, but I cant get to sleep til about 3 or 4 in the morning. Even if I try laying down at around 11, I still cant sleep til 3 or 4 and that is with nothing on but the tv.
    I got up though after texting him to let him know I was okay becasue I had gotten a message he was worried about me because he hadnt heard from me, although I was still sleeping. I let him know I was still sleeping and that I was getting ready for the day. I got in the shower and was having an amazing morning, singing in the shower to the songs playing. It was another happy feeling as I started the day, but I hoped it stayed this way.
    After getting out of the shower, i got dressed and headed back into the room. I was on a mission and decided to get that taken care of. I got my bag out and started packing it to make sure that I had everything taken care of. I knew we were leaving early tomorrow morning so I wanted to go ahead and get it taken care of. I packed both my backpack and my bag with everything I would need, aside from essentials needed for the morning.
    I finished that and headed out into the house. I was wondering what my grandfather was up to, thinking he was sleeping, but I walked in and there were no dogs to greet me or anything. I looked around and saw the dogs outside. I thought maybe they were put out there, but they werent. After about twenty minutes of sitting and waiting, I also ate a snack/lunch for me, I decided to see where they were. I walked out onto the back porch and I found out that my grandpa was sitting outside with the dogs. I asked him what he was doing sit out there and his response was "why not". I didnt know whether this was sarcastic or not but he said that it was better then sleeping all day. I couldnt believe that he was saying this. I honestly wasnt sleeping all day. If i truly wanted to catch up on my sleep, I would have slept into the afternoon or evening, but I didnt. I got up after making sure I got some sleep that should be about what I'm supposed to get.
    After realizing this, I held my tongue a little bit. I couldnt believe that he would say something like that, but he did. He went on from there saying that i played all night and then slept all day. I took offense to this because the only reason I was up as late as I was, was because I couldnt sleep until then. When I told him that I wasnt able to get to sleep until about 230-3 every morning, he told me that I was acting like an idiot. He didnt use those exact terms, but it was pretty much what he was saying. He told me that I could get my body out of this schedule by staying up all day and then I could sleep at night. However, I knew this wouldnt work for me because it has been tried already. I tried that even when I was working and on a schedule then, but it wouldnt work. My body is too used to staying up late at night and sleeping into the morning. I can get up early in the morning and stay up all day and I still wont be sleepy until two or three in the morning. He told me that I didnt know what i was talking about and asked me if I expected him to believe that "load of shit" (as he put it).
    The conversation took another turn after this argument fizzled out a little bit. I was then asked why I came down here and when I told him to spend time with them he told me he didnt think so. I was told that my actions spoke louder then my words and I was saying one thing but my actions were saying another. He told me that i was so addicted to my phone that I am constantly on it everyday. I have to admit that yes I am on my phone everyday but I am usually texting him to let him know I am okay. I would have dropped my phone in a heartbeat (letting him know what I was doing) to spend time with them. However, the whole time he claimed that I was on my phone, he was always in his office looking up his war patches. I dont have a problem with him looking them up, but when the blame turns to me and how I dont want to spend time with them, well it makes me mad. He even told me that i was making him out to be an idiot by expecting him to believe that I didnt text when driving. I admit that I do occasionally but I'm not going to admit that to him. Most of the time if I do its at a light or on a straight stretch of road with no traffic around.
    After the phone conversation, he told me that he felt that I just wasted time and money coming down here. He even claimed that he had plans for the week but after the first day or two of me sleeping in, he said to hell with it. I couldnt believe this because it was apparent to me from the time I got here that he didnt really have anything planned other then going fishing. It was making me mad and upsetting me that he had things planned but didnt even tell me. If he had mentioned that he had plans for the day and all, then I would have gotten up. Going back to the sleep conversation for a second, I did tell him that if I had to get up I could get up. Anyways, it just pushed my buttons that he felt I was so lazy and was sleeping the day away, but if he had plans and I had known about them i would have gotten up every morning and been ready to go.
    I just hate how that whole conversation went. It made me mad and upset me mostly because he felt that I was a waste of time and money. I came down here to hang out with him and Grandma Barb which it seems lately the only person I have spent time with has been grandma because I have gone shopping with her and watched a movie with her. She is curious about things going on in my life, but he has showed no interest whatsoever. I am ready to just be able to relax again because my vacation here has brought nothing but pain and discomfort.
    I know it wasnt a mistake, especially hearing it from him that it wasnt a mistake that it was a two way street, but I also just feel that it hurt hearing from him all those things. I know my grandfather may be opinionated and stubborn but he just doesnt know about half the things today that help the world function. He is still stuck in his idea that the world should be like it was before cell phones were around and everything else, but he doesnt understand that this is how people keep in touch in todays world. They text and email because calling, unless you have a huge voice plan, takes minutes. Ugh, I guess I'm just frustrated and letting them get to me, but I know they shouldnt. I have been taking care of myself and my grandparents may think that I sleep all day or other things, but I know this isnt true. I am a good person and very motivated and driven and happy, but they cant see any of that through their opinions.
    The afternoon drug on with me watching tv and talking with him. I am glad that I had him to talk to because i honestly would have gone out of my mind crazy from watching tv constantly and run out of things to look up online to amuse myself. There's only so much you can look up online but today passed by pretty fast for the most part, thankfully.
    I spent the whole afternoon in my room watching tv and on my own. I couldnt believe it, but it was a boring day for me aside from talking with him. I hated that I was alone feeling here, well i wasnt alone but he wasnt here with me. I'm just glad the day went by super fast. After it passed dinner time, I decided to check and see what we were having. I couldnt believe it but I had heard my grandma come up and down the hall a couple times, but she didnt say anything to me. I dont know if she knew what was going on or had gone earlier that morning.
    I went into the kitchen after hearing her go in and came in to see my grandparents in the kitchen and computer room. My grandpa just gave me this look and went back to what he was doing. It was like a look of scorn or I am not sure what, but I could tell he wasnt happy with me but he was going to hold his tongue. I'm glad he did because I would have left right then and there if he had gone off because I wouldnt be able to handle it. Anyways..my grandfather informed me that I needed to make sure my bags were packed tonight. Already a step ahead of him, I let him know they were already packed and this is where he asked me about my dirty clothes. I had already planned on waiting til I got home to do laundry because I was doing his laundry with mine too. We had already decided that early on in the week. I didnt have a ton of dirty clothes anyways because I had packed some extra clothes. Well, when I said this he just looked at me like I was nuts. He was like you're taking home dirty clothes and when I told him yes I had to do laundry when I got back, he looked like i was crazy or something. I think he really is wanting to try and change my habits, but he doesnt know things I have going on or plans I have when I get home.
    After this discussion, I went in and talked with my grandma a little bit and asked her if she knew what we were doing for dinner. Come to find out she had been home all day and had remained in her room all day, but yet I am the one that gets yelled at for being on my phone or anything else. I just hate how judgemental they can be on various things. She went and asked my grandpa and he replied that there were a ton of leftovers in the fridge. This meant I was right in guessing earlier today that it was going to be a fend for yourself night. It was crazy because they had planned to take me out for a special dinner before I left but none of this was happening. They had made plans already, but yet these plans were never talked about until they felt I wasnt spending time with them.
    I decided to fix myself some dinner because I was hungry. I asked my grandmother if she wanted some roast beef, but she didnt want any. I ended up making some roast beef and mashed potatoes with a piece of bread. It was a good dinner, small and filling, but still good. I ate it and my grandfather just kept giving me these evil looks.
    After eating dinner, I redid my nails and he just kept giving me evil looks of disbelief that I was going to do my nails in the living room. I was trying to compromise and spend some time with them, but it seemed this just wasnt good enough. He was analyzing me the whole time I did my nails and watching my every move. It took my whole being to not ask him if he needed something or just go "what" to what he was saying. I just couldnt believe the looks I was getting after his speech this morning.
    Finishing up my nails, I had my phone in the pocket. I was watching tv with them when the phone rang. i didnt know if they wanted to talk to the person or not, but neither one of them made a move to answer the phone. Whoever it was hung up a few seconds later and immediately after my phone started vibrating. I knew when it vibrated a second time that someone was calling me and when I checked it was my mom calling me (this is one reason why my phone stays on me because my grandparents dont answer their own phone). She wanted to double check what time my flight was leaving and getting in so she could make sure she was picking me up ontime. I didnt see my grandfather's face, but I'm sure he was ready to say something when I pulled my phone out of my pocket and answered it when mom called me.
    I finished the phone call uneventfully and finished up the night. It seemed that my attempt to spend time with them failed. A short hour and a half after coming out, my grandfather was in the computer room again and my grandmother went to bed not too long after that. I hate that I put effort in to trying to spend time with them, but yet my grandfather claims that I'm too absorbed with my tv and phone. Little does he know, but I can put it down if he wants to do something.
    Oh well, enough of my venting. At least I'm out of here and on my way home tomorrow. I cant wait to be back in his arms because I've missed them a lot. I cant believe how much i miss him but I wouldnt trade the feelings I have for him for anything else. I cant wait to give him his surprises and show him the drawings that i made for him. I know there is one in particular that i cant wait to show him because it has extra significance in all the symbols in it. He will know the meaning of it with everything in there, but it's a surprise for him. I just cant wait to be in his arms because that is when I know I'm safe and protected and at home. He has always made me feel like I'm at home when I'm with him. The end of tomorrow cant come soon enough.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Tomorrow is Only a Day Away....

   Wow today has just been over the top for me. It was just one of those days that just starts out bad and get progressively worse. The only thing that I was kept happy with was when I was able to talk to him. It seems that no matter what he always makes things better, as I hope I do the same for him when I'm talking with him. There is just no way to describe how lucky I feel to have him in my life because he keeps me grounded.
    I started the day off waking up around noonish. I spent a good bit of the night up last night because I wanted to make sure he made it home safe after his phone had no service and his brother's phone died. Somehow he got a charger though (and I was so ecstatic when I got that text message he was able to talk more cause the phone was on a charger). I knew he was safe, but he was out with his family at a party with a bunch of drunk people so I will admit that I worried a little bit. I am just happy that I knew where he was and that he would text me or call me to let me know he was safe when he got a chance. That's one thing that makes it so easy for me to be able to wait to hear from him. As long as I know where he is, it makes the wait a little bit easier.
    Anyways, after waking up, i checked my voicemail. It was amazing hearing his voice and knowing that he made it home safe. I felt sad because he sounded so sleepy. I had just hoped that he would be able to get some sleep. I texted him good morning and hoped that i wasnt waking him up. I got a message back that he was up and had gotten some sleep and I was happy. It seemed that today was possibly going to be better, but I was hoping that I was wrong.
    After talking to him for a little while, I decided to get ready for the day. I was going to wear my tank top, but decided to go with my baby doll top instead. It was cute and i couldnt believe how loose my jeans were and I liked the way I looked in the mirror. I couldnt believe that my grandfather was telling me constantly here that I was fat. it's just crazy and I think I'm not going to spend as much time here next time I decide to come down or I'm not coming alone. It just seems everything I do isnt good enough for him.
    Well, i grabbed my laptop and was heading into the living room to set up for the day, but it seemed my grandfather was still asleep. Realizing that I was just going to be camped out watching tv for yet another day because my grandparents had no idea of what to do for the day. I was a little upset because I came down here to spend time with the two of them before I left for basic, but I guess that concept is lost on them. All I've been doing is the same things that I do when I'm at home or hanging out with him. I decided that I would hang out in my room and if my grandparents wanted to do something then I'd be up for it.
    I spent the whole day in my room and I was honestly somewhat hopeful that we were going to go out for a special dinner tonight. They had talked about us going out for a nice dinner before I leave. I was getting ready to go in and ask them if we were going to grab something for dinner when my grandmother came out to talk to me. She wanted to know if I liked lima beans or broccoli because she was planning on fixing them as a vegetable. I told her no I didnt like either one and she asked me what I like. Sticking with basic vegetables, I suggested corn or green beans so she went with green beans.
    I couldnt even begin to imagine what this meant to me because I felt so let down. We had made plans to have a special dinner to celebrate me leaving, but it seems my grandparents just forgot about it. It made me feel like I was just something to sweep under the carpet and that plans with me could be changed willy nilly and I wasnt important. I had tried not to get my hopes up, but try as I might they got up a little bit and were then crushed. I came back into my room and cried. I should have expected it from them because it seems that this visit is just like any other one with them, but its not because this could be the last time for a while that I get to take time whenever I want to come see them and they might not be as healthy in the future.
    I felt so horrible as I thought about the various disappointments over the week from not going fishing with my grandpa to the dinner that had been planned. I couldnt believe that they could be so callous as to just move on as if its nothing. Its bad because I feel like I want to tell them off for some reason, but I knew I shouldnt out of respect and I knew he wouldnt be happy with me if I lost my temper. It's crazy because at times like these I kind of feel like I'm reverting back to my old self where I have to hide so much and be this perfect little angel they expect me to be. I hate that feeling because it's what I felt like in my past, before I found him and before I figured out and accepted who I was. These feelings have been overcome and I know he has done so much work with me as of late to get me out of my shell and I feel that visits like these counteract everything. I know they love me, but this past week has been so unbearable. I have hidden my true self and done things to appease them, but I just hate having to hide myself.
    Anyways, on to the rest of the day. I came out a short time later to check and see what we were having for dinner and how much longer was left. This was where I was cornered and pissed off majorly and upset. I couldnt believe what was being said to me. My grandfather told me that I was really starting to "push his buttons" because it seemed that I was addicted to my phone. He said that I'm constantly on all day long and that it really irritates him that I am. I normally would have been fine, but here is where I was about to completely fly off the handle, but knowing I shouldnt because I didnt want to make him mad if I flew off on my grandpa.
    I couldnt believe my grandpa was yelling at me for being on my phone. The bad thing was that he was being so hypocritical of me. Both of my grandparents were actually. I couldnt be on my phone all day, but yet I was left to my own devices to amuse myself while he looked up old army patches all day long. I dont have any problem if we were watching tv together or playing games together or something, but with him in another room and me left on my own, I'm going to text and play on the computer and do whatever I want. I may text and talk at my parents, but I usually dont out of courtesy because they have asked me not to, but they also interact with me and talk with me and sit in the same room. I dont text around them because I'm actually invovled in something with them, unlike my grandparents.
    It was unbearable for me to listen to my grandpa lecture me about my phone. I feel that he really doesnt understand things going on with the new technology. It's like I'm an addict and all, but he is still stuck in the time where there weren't any cell phones and just house phones. He still believes that he is pretty much like god and that he cant do anything wrong and he knows everything. I'm not saying he doesnt know anything, but no matter what age you are, you can still learn new things but he refuses to.
    After dinner, I began cleaning up the table and dishes. It seems that they havent really commented on it, but I knew he would be pleased if he were here with me because I was cleaning up and doing the work to let my grandparents rest. I felt that it was my job anyways to clean up the kitchen, not just because my grandparents had cooked, but because of how I feel with my place and just being submissive. I know it's my job to make sure things are cleaned and cooked and just taken care of to make sure things run smoothly. I was glad to do it and I loved doing it, because even if my grandparents didnt know it I was in my place and doing what is natural for me to do and where I feel at home.
    Clean up finished with nothing eventful happening and I went into the living room to watch some tv with my grandparents. I had gone back to text him a quick message to let him know so he wouldnt worry about me, but I wished I could take my phone in with me. Because of the discussion earlier, I didnt want to start heating up things more so I left my phone in the back bedroom where I was staying just to let things cool down for a little bit. I normally wouldnt do this but with my grandparents it's a no win situation for me, much like if I was to get into an argument with him---I know that I'm going to lose it either way. I walked into the living room and had my stuff to color. I was in a random coloring mood and me and my grandmother were going to watch a movie.
    After sitting down and coloring for a little bit, my grandpa asked me if I slept with the tv on. I of course wasnt going to lie to him so I told him I did. I also told him that I watch it most of the time until about 3-330 in the morning because that was when I was falling asleep. I should have kept my mouth shut because this started a whole new debate. He couldnt understand why I couldnt get to sleep until that time in the morning. My grandmother told him that it was the schedule my body was on, which she is very true but its more it's just too hot in this house for me to sleep until my body is exhausted. He kept saying that he didnt understand it and that it was just lazy for me to sleep in all day. Well, my body isnt able to go to sleep until 3-4 every morning because of the heat and it's used to not being able to fall asleep til that late as it is. I didnt want to be mean and come right out and say the heat in the house was the reason why because then he would start on me about how it wasnt hot and that I should get used to it if I'm going into the military...
    He kept saying that the military isnt going to have someone to wake me up and let me know when formation is and that I need to be out there. Immediately I knew this was wrong and i told him so. He also had made the comment that there were no more formations or anything like that. Well this isnt true at all, especially for basic. I mean they're not just going to baby you through basic and all. They are going to break you down and build you up. Anyways...I made the comment that you still have formations in basic and that you are woken up for pt and everything else in the mornings. He scoffed at this and goes "yeah right". He told me it was completely wrong and acted as if I had no idea what i was talking about. I told him that it wouldnt be wrong and that everyone that just graduated from basic was telling me this and even those in basic right now. I couldnt believe that he was choosing not to believe me, thinking he knows everything about the military. The military today isnt the same military that he was in. They still have some similarities and some differences, but it still was crazy that he felt I knew nothing about what was going on. He scoffed at me and was like "yeah right" again when I told him that all those people had said it and that with at least 4-500 people saying it(at least that I have noticed on the boards and talked with), it couldnt be wrong. He's just stubborn and feels he knows everything.
    I guess the part that got me the most was that he felt that I was just lazy and sleeping in and all. I told him immediately that if I had to get up I could, but that I'm enjoying all the free time I can sleeping. I just feel that he thinks I'm a lazy girl and just doesnt want to do anything and that I stay up to all hours of the night based on the emails I sent him. I dont think he understand everything going on, but it just eats me how he thinks he knows everything about me when he truly doesnt.
    Well, I calmed down and kept my cool, just spent the time coloring. I found myself thinking of him and my drawings were centered around him. I would have drawn other things but I had to keep them PG rated for my grandparents because my grandmother had asked me to show her some of my artwork. I definitely wasnt going to show her my artwork that I made specifically for him because there were things in there that she would have been asking what it was and why it was on there. It would definitely raise a ton of questions that I didnt want to answer, nor did I want them to know about it.
    While coloring, my grandmother decided the current movie we were watching was bad and that we should watch something else. She checked out the Pay-per-view movies and there was only two options that she decided on. I had the option of watching Valentine's Day or Dear John. Well, I knew Dear John was the sweet romantic movie and if I watched it that I wanted to watch it with him(if he was willing to watch it). So, I chose Valentines Day which is still a romantic movie, but it was also the lesser of the two. I wish I was watching it with him, but I was watching it with my grandmother instead. We had to delay watching it until later in the night though because a storm stopped our first viewing.
    After choosing a movie and a start time, my grandmother went and changed before the movie started. I continued coloring, but part way through the movie I decided I was hungry and grabbed a snack. I decided to have some ice cream because I was craving something sweet and chocolatey and I could have a little bit of it. I ended up getting a little with chocolate syrup all over it. I'm not usually a fan of ice cream except at odd moments, but now was one. It wasnt a craving, I just needed something sweet and with sugar to put sugar in my system. Anyways...I think my grandfather was going to say something about my snack, but held his tongue. His only comment was for me not to give the dogs any of the chocolate syrup. I just answered that I wouldnt and went about eating it.
    I had a feeling if he could say something about it, he probably would tell me that I didnt need that snack and it was bad for me and all. He seems to be under the impression that eating more then once a day is bad for you and that junk food in any form is bad. It's crazy and I hate it. I think that's why I've been having such an issue with eating around him lately. Like tonight at dinner he made the comment that I had eaten too much of the roast beef when I got a little bit to put on top of the roll I had grabbed. I barely took any roast beef to put on that roll, but he felt it was like I had taken a huge amount of food or something. He claimed there wasnt enough to do anything with the leftovers, but there was plenty enough to make a sandwich or something small.
    I ate my snack and started watching the movie with my grandmother. I felt horrible because halfway into the movie my grandmother decided to get up and go to bed. She decided to go to bed because the dog decided that he was tired and she was following him to bed. I understand that they have schedules but you would think spending time with me before I left would be worth it, but apparently not. I was left to watch this movie by myself. I hated it because I was alone watching a decent movie (it would have been better with him watching it with me). I hated it and it just made me feel like I was about ready to cry. I hate how alone my grandparents make me feel while I'm down here, but the only good thing is that I can talk with him because he calms me down and makes things so much better. I dont know how he knows exactly what to say or what to do, but it seems that every Dom knows this. I'm still learning about his likes and dislikes as he is learning about me but I love how he already knows me so well because this bond can only grow stronger with time, as I hope it does. I cant wait until Tuesday when I'm back in his arms again. That day is just about here.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Dont You Just Love Them?

Man today just wasnt what I wanted it to be. I cant believe the mix of just being bored and disappointment. I cant believe how ready I am to get out of here. I love my grandparents, but it just seems that they dont really understand everything going on and aren't even trying really to do anything with me.

    Well, today started with me waking up at about 11:15ish. Actually, I was sort of awake but not really. I didnt really sleep last night, but I was up for a good while talking to him. I cant believe how amazing it was talking to him for so long last night. We talked for a good three hours and it seemed like there was still so much to talk about. I do have to admit that I am ready to be back in his arms. I miss him so much that it's crazy. I know that the next couple days will pass by fast and then I'll be back in his arms again.
    Anyways, I woke up and got in the shower. I decided to take my laptop into the shower because I was just feeling really cheery and upbeat. I felt rested, even though I had slept good for the most part. I just knew that it was going to be a good day (little did I know how wrong I was here) and was in such a happy mood. I hopped in the shower listening to the playlist for him and singing along. I swear if my grandparents were standing outside the door they would have been laughing at me as well as him. He would have thought it cute, but he would have been laughing too.
    I finished up my shower and got out and was getting ready for the day. I had decided I was going to wear a nice tank top shirt, but decided since we were supposed to be going out for dinner tonight that I was going to rock out the Georgia tshirt. I love sporting it because I feel so proud supporting a team finally. I have watched football for a while, although I still dont know much about it, and never really had a team to support. I like supporting the same team as him and I love it. I continued getting ready for the day and started on straightening my hair. About that time, my grandfather came down the hallway looking to check in on me. I guess he felt that I'd be sleeping the day away. Last time I visited, I would normally be sleeping still because it was what i was used to being a college student, but now that I'm fixing to leave for the military I only sleep as long as I catch up on my sleep.
    I finished up and headed into the living room area. It seemed that my grandfather still wanted to play on the computer and he was looking up something for his patches as far as I could tell. It's weird and crazy that I get picked on for being on my computer so much, but all he does is either look up the news which he has already watched or look up his patches from old army uniforms. I love that he has a hobby (and this is one that someday could be worth a lot of money), but sometimes I feel like he should be wanting to spend more time with me while I'm down here. I came down here to spend time with him and grandma before i head off to basic and it seems I've been left to my own devices, almost like I'm back home relaxing in my apartment.
    Anyways...he was playing on the computer so I headed into the living room to relax and just watch tv and play on my computer. I had decided to start on one of my tasks that he had given to me to do when I came down. I found a few good deals, but the best one I found was a hotel that I delivered too. I couldnt believe that I found it with the prices at $25 a night. It was an amazing deal and the price I was estimating would be $100 with taxes and all. I hope not, but either way it's still better then paying $150 for a hotel for three nights. I also worked on the second part of my task of looking up flights for him from Nashville to Atlanta. I cant believe it, but i couldnt really find anything that was in expensive. Most of them I found were about $270. That was a lot of money, but I guess he can afford it. I just hope that he can book either one of them because that's a lot of money to be spent at once. I cant believe it, but I hope he can because it wouldnt be good if I wasnt able to say goodbye to him.
    Well, enough about dwelling on dark thoughts of not being able to say goodbye to him. I dont even want to think about having to say goodbye. I spent the whole day on my own, playing on facebook and texting him. I hate that my days have been reduced to that because if I had known that this was all I was going to be doing, then I wouldnt have come down for so long and would have been able to get back to his arms sooner. I hate being away from him because it's harder to be his lil one and take care of him when I'm away, but I know I cant help it. I cant wait to get back to him, but I'm glad that he is able to text me because these next two days are going to fly by.
    After texting him off and on all day, I decided to talk to my grandma and find out if we were going out to eat tonight. We were supposed to have a celebratory goodbye dinner. Well, that didnt happen at all. My grandfather was asleep and my grandmother had already started some pizza in the oven. I couldnt believe how horrible this night was turning. I was so upset and disappointed because it just seems this visit has gone more and more downhill. The only good part is at least I get to see them before I leave for basic. I was so upset because it seemed all I got was walked all over and just brought down. But, my grandmother told me that whatever I wanted we would go get it because I didnt want to eat pizza after working around pizza all the time.
    We headed out to the store because she also had to make a stop at WalMart to grab some benadryl for Joey. We talked a little bit and it frustrated me after I told her how grandpa was acting and all. I told her that we hadnt gone fishing because he had been upset about me having my phone on me. Well, she adamantly said that my phone is my security blanket and she could see what he meant. She even said that the recruiter wouldn't go crazy if he couldnt get a hold of me for a few hours. I dont think she realizes that with that and being thirty days out I have to make sure I have a way to be contacted. I also have to keep it with me because with the meeting on Tuesday coming up too, he may call to let us know what to bring or anything of that sort. I also make sure to keep it on me because he prefers me to carry it with me to ensure he has a way to keep in contact and he knows that i'm safe. I cant explain that aspect as it would open up to other things, but i know that is more the main reason why.
    I blew it off and we went into Walmart and got the shopping done. I was laughing because I realized as we were walking into the store that we were in Gator country and I was wearing a Georgia tshirt. This was like treason in this area but I could care less. It was hilarious though getting funny looks as people saw my shirt and just looked at me like "how dare you wear that shirt here". Oh well, I am proud to rock out my Georgia shirts and am proud to wear them, especially because I know he likes them and it makes me feel like he is with me when I'm away from him, which is on top of me always having his ring to remind me he is always with me (not that he isnt but its a visual reminder for me, almost like a collar or his hickey was).
    We headed to Wendy's and I got a chicken club sandwich. I was hungry and hadnt really eaten all day other then some goldfish are two. I knew I needed to eat and he even told me that I needed to make sure I got something filling. I knew that I also needed something that was decent with some fat, but also good for me too. Well, my dinner choice wasnt exactly good for me, but with all that I had on it and it was mostly chicken and ketchup and mayo, but it was still better then what I could have gotten like a burger or something. I ate a few fries, but waited til we got home to really dig into my food and eat it. I was starving, but I wanted to wait til i was home to eat.
    We got home to find my grandfather awake. I asked him if he had a nice nap and pretty much got my head eaten off. He looked at the bag with this scornful look on his face. I knew what was coming after that, but it still shocked me when he was like "thats just what you two need". I couldnt believe that he was scoffing at our dinner. Yes, I may not be tiny like a stick but i am healthy for my weight and active. If I wasnt active and overweight, then he would have a place to say something. I hate that he has to comment on my eating habits. I dont normally have a problem with it and I'm not usuall the self-conscious type but it's like my every bite is scrutinized and I get made fun of. It's like the other day when I was told that I had a big butt that was making my jeans tight or that I ate too much. I just hate how he judges me because he is the one used to eating only once a day. I just cant do that, but I also have to realize that I need to make sure I have something with sugar two to three times a day to prevent myself from getting light headed. Oh well, I have a feeling that he wont ever understand my eating habits or anything else. He is just too stubborn and opinionated and I just need to learn how to tune it out like i do other things.
    Enough venting about him...tonight just seemed to drag on forever, but I am thankful that it is almost over. I know I wont be able to sleep tonight until I hear his voice, but knowing he is safe for know makes it alright. I know he isnt in service range right now, but I'm sure I will hear from him periodically. I just hope I do because if not, I dont think I'll sleep. I just hope tomorrow and Monday pass by faster, because it seems that I'm too much of a burden while I'm here to really pay attention to. I just cant wait to be back in his arms and to be his lil one. I cant wait for that writing to come true and give him the rest of his surprises. I have a couple drawings for him to see, but there is one that is really important to me. Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Could the Days Get Any Longer?

Wow, it seems today has been filled with good and bad combined. My days here seem to be always filled with good and bad. I guess most of this is just because of how old-fashioned my grandpa is and I'm stuck most of the day with him. It's not bad to spend time with him, but it just seems he criticizes a lot of what I do.
    Anyways, last night was a rough night. I got to talk to him and ended up going to bed early. I say bed because my body was tired but for some reason even after laying down I was wide awake. I couldnt believe that I was having so much trouble. I guess i had gotten so tired that my body was fighting sleep even though it was tired. I hadnt really slept at all in the past two to three days and I knew I needed sleep. I ended up staying up and working on a surprise for him. One of his surprises was a story about what I wanted him to do to me and how a day when I'm there would be. I couldnt wait for hiim to read it because I liked how it sounded and it was very in depth compared to the others I had written him. I wrote about how I craved his touch and the feelings they would create in me. I couldnt believe how much in detail I went, but I hoped he would love it. He has brought me out of my shell so much that I find myself looking for more and craving more things. I cant wait to see what future things he has in store for his naughty litlte girl.
    After the rough night, I got maybe four hours of sleep. I couldnt believe it, but i barely missed my alarm by ten minutes. My grandfather came in all huffy and puffy as I was slowly waking up. He started clapping his hands and just acted like I was some dog that needing scolding for not getting out of bed sooner. He told me that he wasnt "going to wake me up anymore." I couldnt believe that he was getting so upset when he said I didnt have to be up until about 8. I can understand normally being late, but with the rough night I had that is the only reason I slept later then my alarm and wasnt already up and getting ready.
    After getting ready, including eating breakfast and getting dressed, in a little under twenty minutes, I headed to see what my grandfather was up to. He was outside watering the plants and I headed outside. He asked me if I was ready to go and I told him I was. Then he told me that I needed to change my shoes because I was wearing flip-flops. Being a country girl I had no problem wandering the bank of the river in my flip flops or even barefoot if I had to, but he felt I needed to put on tennis shoes. Not wanting to start an argument, I just went and changed my shoes. Coming back out, he was putting the poles in the back of the truck as I came outside.
    I got in the truck and he told me that I wasnt going with my phone today. This was where the argument of the day started. I tried informing him that I had to make sure my phone was on me in case my recruiter needed to get a hold of me. Well, there was some truth to this, but it was also because he wants me to make sure my phone is on me so that he knows I'm safe. Well my grandfather kept telling me that I was "full of shit", but I kept telling him i had to have it with me. I even told him that I would leave it in the car when we got there, but it had to come with me. He got extremely upset and said that if that was the case then we just wouldnt go fishing at all. I got upset at this because he was getting so upset over a simple cell phone that would go with me, but stay in the truck. He felt it wouldnt be safe left in the car, but oh well. I know I did the right thing it's just hard for him to understand about everything. I was pissed and went back into the bedroom, frustrated but if we weren't going fishing then I would get some sleep.
    I tried to get back to sleep, but it took me about two hours to get to sleep and finally was almost there. I got a text message back from him letting me know that he was fine, but didnt really sleep last night either. It's crazy but I find that when I'm away from him that I cant really sleep, but I toss and turn before falling into an exhausted sleep. It's crazy, but I know that it means something when I cant sleep when away from him and sleep so peacefully when I'm in his arms. I love the feeling of being so safe and secure with him.
    Well the rest of the day passed by in a haze. I napped and ate and our dinner was uneventful. It was actually eeriely quiet with how my grandpa just hadnt said anything to me. I hated how it was painfully quiet between me and him, but it was stupid how he was so upset about my cell phone going with me this morning.
    Which reminds me, on a different note that I got an amazing email from my mom this morning. It was actually from both of my parents, but it confuses me with the way they have been lately. It was an inspiring message and mom said that the prayer in it was a prayer they still keep in the back of their minds everyday. I couldnt believe it, but I know my parents have issues and problems but maybe this was her way of saying she was sorry and that they're trying and not perfect. I know my mom and I have an okay relationship, with a few fights here and there, but it is the relationship between me and my dad that has suffered. With everything going on it has brought up a lot of questions, which I know are a little soon to think about but it scares me. My dad hasnt fully changed but at the moment i really feel that I dont have a father. It's not the person I knew and grew up with...it's someone completely different who just claims to be my father. He doesnt even really talk to me anymore either, but oh well enough about that. That's a long touchy subject and I'm sure I'll vent on it one of these days, but I just dont want to today. I know it's easier being with him and talking to him in person about this because he seems to know what I'm trying to say and it feels good to get it off my chest to someone and not just a writing on a computer screen.
    After dinner, i hung out with my grandma and talked with her some. It was amazing that me and her could talk about quite a few tv shows, but I loved it. I have more in common with her and she may not understand a lot about what's going on now, but she tries more to understand me then my grandfather does. I think it's much like my aunt said and that my grandfather is trying to protect me because I'm his grandbaby.
    I couldnt wait for later to give him his surprise. I ended up giving it to him today. Well, I just couldnt believe it that I had written it. I loved this writing and it was something that I felt was good. I had been talking to him and just couldnt wait. I am anxious and wondering if we would be able to make that writing happen. I have a feeling that it will, but I'd love for it to happen. I guess it was kind of a fantasy to me that I've dreamed about happening between me and him, well one of them. I guess the more we delve into things, the more I will find out that I like and I have a feeling that story would get longer. I think I may ask him if we could make this happen when I get there, but Im not sure how to ask him. I guess I can work on that, but I'd love for this to happen one day. I know I have to give him the rest of his surprises so with me coming down there on Tuesday night, I might give him the rest of them on Wednesday including the dinner. I know part of the surprise is a dinner, but there is more to come after that. I hope he enjoys it because I know it's a lot, but I hate being alone from him and start getting creative.
    I kind of want to ask about other things that I'd like to try, but we have a lot of time to work on it. I know he has shown some interest in anal and I'd like to try some more with him, but I dont want to scare him away and I know he is exploring some things too. I am comfortable and am willing to wait until he is comfortable enough to explore. I know that he will never hurt me and whenever he is ready for that so am I. I have realized today that I am so comfortable with him it's crazy. There is no other person that i have been so comfortable enough with to see everything about me like him. He knows all my darkest secrets and desires and fears and gently calms me down and is there for me all around no matter what. I cant wait to see what all we try because on top of anal, I'm curious what a blindfold is like along with being tied and other things. I just am not sure how to ask, but I'm sure he knows I'm eager to learn. I wonder if I will be put into position the first night I get there. Oh well, I am happy with however it goes because either way he is my Master/Dom and I love him and am just happy to be with him in his arms, pleasing him.
    Anyways....after the long night of tonight, I cant wait for these next few days to fly by. I'm planning on drawing a short time later tonight and I hope he likes these drawings. I have to find something good to draw, because what I have in mind is a little bit dirty, but it should be good. I'm a perfectionist when it comes to drawing, but I hope it inspires him. I also cant wait to see what else he brings out in me because I have come out of my comfort zone. I have asked him so many things that I never would have been able to ask before. I cant wait to see what else comes to mind, I know the drawings (even though I'm not the world's best artist) will be a little out of my comfort zone, but I know he will like them. I just cant wait to be back in his arms, but until then his face in my dreams is going to have to suffice.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Surprises....Surprises....and More Surprises

  Wow, another day of frustration mixed with the blah and boring, punctuated with periods of excitement. I am just always grateful that I get to talk to him, even on the days he's working. I couldnt imagine going through all this blah and boring here, it's that way more because I cant drive anywhere and my grandpa pretty much keeps to himself, without him here.
    The day started out with me waking up later today. I ended up not really being able to sleep towards the early hours of this morning for some reason. I had a bad dream and it wasnt that my friend was killed, but it was more of a bad dream that a bad guy was trying to take me away somewhere. I dont remember exactly where, but it was still he had me and was making me do something. I hate those kind of dreams. Well, I woke up and sent him my every morning "good morning Sir" text message. He had already texted me and I love getting them from him before I can send him one, but it trades off with us. Anyways, I told him how I had trouble sleeping last night and we came to the conclusion that I only sleep peacefully when I'm in his arms. It is very true. Whenever I'm alone I have to have background noise to sleep or I toss and turn or have bad dreams. Everytime I have slept in his arms, I have slept so peacefully and had no nightmares. I think it's true that I slept best when I'm safe inside his arms.
    Well, after figuring that out I got dressed and headed out to see what my Grandpa was up to. I was sure that I would hear some sort of comment about not getting up until almost noon. Although in my defense I didnt really sleep well starting around 3am this morning. I walked out and the dogs went crazy. I checked the living room thinking that my grandpa was asleep in there, but I was wrong. He was nowhere to be found in the house. i checked and his car wasnt out in the yard so I knew he had to be gone. I was trying to figure out where he went, thinking that if he had left me to go to the store or something long term I was going to be upset because I wanted to go or he could have at least let me know.
    I lounged around and played on facebook and texted him, waiting for my grandpa to come home. Before too long he was home and it was like nothing had changed. I was left to my own devices while he kept to himself in the other room looking up news on the computer. I felt kind of alone, but brushed it off and kept amusing myself since I couldnt think of anything to do and my grandpa wouldnt let me drive his car anywhere to do anything.
    After getting into the movie, I was getting ready to fix myself some lunch when my sister texted me saying that I could have her air force stuff that she was going into the marines. I was curious why the sudden change in plans and started talking to her on yahoo asking her why she chose the Marines. I couldnt believe that she had a problem with the Air force and all, but then again she is used to everything being handed to her and going her way I should have expected this. Anyways...she told me that she just wanted to go through it because she had heard how tough it was. I know her well enough to know that the Marines and her aren't a good match at all. It is the toughest branch to get into and my own brother didnt even make it all the way through the training after breaking his leg in two places towards the end. I have seen the documentaries that show what boot camp for the Marines is like. I have the same drive and motivation she does and I know if I did that I would be in over my head, much like she will be.
    However the conversation soon turned to how I had no idea what I was talking about and that I was pissing her off because I was talking about this to her when the last DEP meeting I barely made it through the run. This only happened because I was on my period at the time and I had only had one bottle of water. I just couldnt believe she would even pull that into the discussion we were having. It had been a civil discussion and I was just checking to make sure she had done all her research. I was more trying to make sure she was making an informed decision, especially when she was wanting to join the Marines, and not just make a decision based on her friends that were in the Corps at the time. I knew it took me a little bit to come to my decision, but I still looked into everything.
    Anyways...the discussion continued and I was getting more upset and mad. I decided to give her a big reality check. I just felt that she needed to know what i had to say because if not, she was going to be in for a big culture shock. I just couldnt believe how she was reacting to everything, but for her it was reasonable. I was just getting madder and madder because her only defense here was to pull up things that were irrelevant saying I had no common sense and all and then the very last comment from her was wishing me good luck with my online relationship, pretty much scoffing at it. Most things made me mad but the one thing that hit me the hardest was when she bad mouthed my relationship with him. I dont care that she doesnt agree with things, but for her to bad mouth him and she hasnt even met him really set me off. I would have gone off on her and had been holding back because I was being a good girl and not cussing. I knew I wasn't allowed to and could have said a lot of choice words to her, but he has taught me to be a lady with my words. I was also told to just walk away from her and that if she had a problem with him, she could talk to him. This helped me a little bit, but I was still boiling mad.
    The other part that made me mad was when she told me that I had a lot of growing up to do. I dont believe myself to be completely grown up,but between the two of us and everything we have had to deal with I feel that I have been more adult about everything. She is not really adult about anything and is still under the attitude of entitlement that everyone owes her everything and that she cant do no wrong or as he put it that "her shit dont stink". I was shocked at this and was ready to fly off the handle at her. I can say that his teaching is helping because before I had met him, I would have been cussing her up and down, left and right. However, I kept my wits about me and left it alone. I'd rather leave the situation alone then say something that leads to a further argument.
    It still gets to me that she claims to be more adult then I am, but yet she is the one that goes out and makes decisions to get caught in a threesome, almost foursome, in the middle of nowhere and had no clue where she was at. I have learned from my situation of being ditched once to not make the same mistake twice and that if I went out with friends I either drove or was staying there. I just couldnt believe she felt herself to be an adult. She has no idea how to handle real life situations or has faced half the things I have in my life. She even claimed that when my parents were threatening to drive down to Murfreesboro and take my car, all because I was trying to diffuse the situation, that I must have deserved it somehow and that I was doing something wrong and should stand up to my parents. I just hate that she will get a huge kick of reality in the pants when she goes out drinking with the wrong crowd and wakes up in the bed with a strange guy. She has almost done that before because she was too far gone, that if I hadnt been there she would have probably put herself at risk for ending up pregnant or worse. I hate being mad at her, but I know that she strongly needs a kick of reality in the pants to get her to realize that maybe I do know what I'm talking about even though I'm younger on some things.
    This was where I know that only he can calm me down. He was texting me telling me to get away from the situation and just talking about how I should calm down. I love how he knows just what to say and do to calm me down. He always knows just what to say and do to get me to stop and just step back from the situation. I couldnt believe it, but after the past two days I am just glad that he is there.
    Anyways, later in the day I was helping my grandpa get things together for dinner. he was making fun of me and told me that I had a butt and my jeans were getting a little bit tight in the back. I couldnt believe it that he was making fun of me for this. I am not touchy about my weight, but two days in a row were just getting hard to deal with. I knew that I was fine, but I couldnt believe that he was having fun poking fun at me and how I looked. It was just crazy. I know he is all good and fun, but I hate being told I have a big butt, when I feel that i dont or a guy because I know that I dont. It's just hard to hear that from my grandpa.
    Well after dinner, I went into the living room and started working on his surprise after taking a few quizzes on facebook. I couldnt believe that there were some pretty funny ones on there, but it killed some time for me. I am ready to get away from here and back into his arms because time just seems to go so slowly here with most of my time spent amusing myself somehow. Although I did find out that we are going out Saturday night for dinner. I'm not sure where, but I honestly cant wait to go out. I love going out to eat with my grandpa, although I have a feeling he will laugh at me with how little I eat. I dont eat as much as I used to, but he seems to think that I eat a lot more. I have to watch my weight and make sure that I stay within my limits, plus I just dontl ike to overeat either. I used to overeat a lot when I was younger, but not anymore. When I get full is when I'm done and nothing else. I am just hating how my grandpa says things he does.
    I cant wait for him to get these surprises, but I know that they wont be there for him until after I leave. I know that he will need these and they will be awesome. I just cant wait and today has been amazing day. Tomorrow is going to be a long, but good day. I find out tomorrow whether or not I work and if I get to come back to him early or not. I just cant wait because I'm so ready to be back in his arms. i admit that I'm nervous about my punishment that I'll get when I get back because I had more hits added onto it, but I do deserve it. I know its his way of teaching me and showing me the way. I just cant wait and I'm excited to show him the parts of Tennessee I know and love. It's going to be a fun time together before i leave.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Grateful Beyond a Doubt...

Wow, today was a mixture of good, bad, and just infuriating mixture. It seems the days cant fly by fast enough now though. I cant wait to see what the rest of this week holds and whether I'm working next week or not.
    The day started with me waking up around 11ish. i just couldnt sleep last night and woke up off and on all night. I dont know why, but for some reason I just couldnt sleep last night. I tossed and turned all night long. I guess part of it was I wasnt tired and part of it was that I was missing him. It seems that whenever I'm away from him I have nights where I dont really sleep well. I think thats probably what it is.
    Anyways, I woke up and got up and got ready for the day. It was going to be a long day. I'm having fun here, but it seems to be totally boring to me and I'm just ready to go back home to work and kill time til I get to see him again. It's not that I dont love spending time with my grandparents, but with not having any kind of transportation to go anywhere and as opinionated as my grandpa is, it's hard to go somewhere and have fun.
    After getting ready for the day, I went in to see my grandpa. He was taking a nap til the dogs started barking and woke him up. It was crazy, but I felt bad that I had woken him up, even if I didnt do it on purpose. He suggested taking a drive and getting out. I couldnt believe it and was happy about it. I was ready to get out of the house and go out and it was even better when he said we were going to check out the BX and the commisary. I loved this because I was wanting to get something for him while I was down here anyways.
    We headed out and hand a nice drive down there after stopping for lunch. I was happy because it seemed that it was going to be a good day of having fun and just exploring with my grandpa. I knew it would be a long day because the drive to the base was about an hour and a half to two hours away. I couldnt wait though because I feel so safe and at home on base that it's just amazing to me.
    We got to the base and went to the BX. I was looking for something to get him and found something that I somewhat liked. I thought of getting him a teddy bear but wasnt sure. I saw the only cute one that I liked that said "Someone in the Air Force loves me". I couldnt believe how cute it was, but it would be true. I do love him and I would be in the Air Force. All I could find is a sticker for now, but I think once I'm in I'll have to make a blanket big enough that the two of us can snuggle up underneath it. I cant wait to be in that Air Force because I want him to be able to say that he has a girlfriend in the Air Force and all.
    Anyways....enough about dreaming about being in the Air Force and all. Although I must admit that I cant wait for him to see me in that uniform. I havent seen him in his uniform, but I know he looks hot in it. But anyways...lol I keep getting sidetracked. We finished up our shopping trip and headed back to the house. On the way home, my sister texted me saying that "hayes can go fuck himself. i cant get n2 the af according to him im gonna try talkin to a different recruiter he just pushed me to my limits". I couldnt believe this and sent her a reply back asking what he said and her reply back was "he said it is just gonna take him a while well the marine recruiter talked to him and he told them that the af wont accept me cause i dont have a high enough asvab score". I couldnt believe that she was acting so stupid and childish. I understand that she has to have a waiver for her eye sight, but she is expecting everyone to move heaven and earth for her and that she gets some sort of special treatment. It's just frustrating because she grew up having everything handed to her and now that she's on her own she expects the same kind of treatment. I feel bad that I'm a year and half, almost two years, younger then her and I'm more mature then her.
    After trying to think of what to say, because I knew she needed to hear the truth, I came up with a good response. I hated to sound completely witchy to her, but I knew she needed to hear this. She may hate me for it, but she needed to hear it. I sent her a text message response back with "well its quite possible that could be the case katlyn with all the pepole trying to get in...it might be a double bad with your eyes and your asvab score they want the higher asvab scores first and people who dont have to get any kind of waivers or anything...its like that with all branches and i hate to sound mean but i have a feeling you're going to get told that by another recruiter". I love her, but she assumes that she's the top stuff and is automatically allowed to get into the military.
    This was just frustrating because she had this self-righteous attitude. I thought on it and asked my grandfather (which this was a bad idea right here) if I was right on my path of thinking. I know sometimes I can be somewhat one minded, but I was pretty sure with the way things were going right now and how the military has stopped taking waivers because everyone is trying to get in that she should understand there's going to be a wait. Well, this lead to a huge argument between me and him. It started about how she could get into the Army if they badly needed people, but this was where I told him that even they quit taking waivers. Word had been passed down in chain of command to us (and this was same on both officer side as well as recruiting which is why I knew it was true) that the military was so well off from people joining that they quit doing waivers and were looking for people that didnt have problems that need fixing. I also began to explain that her asvab score is pretty low and she was about 5 or 6 points higher then the minimum score needed to join the Air Force. It was crazy.
    Well that part of the argument lead to another branch off. We began to argue over how I had no clue what I was talking about and that I was "full of shit" as my grandpa put it. I couldnt believe that he was accusing me of not knowing what I was talking about. He told me that most stuff you wont know about it unless you were pretty high up on the chain. The funny thing is, and I told him this, was that it had been announced on the news at one point in time, been on the internet site Military.com, and had been passed down to both ROTC members and the enlisted side as well. If I didnt know what I was talking about, then why would all these different sources be saying the same thing.
    I couldnt believe I was being called a liar by my grandpa. If I didnt know what I was talking about, I would admit it but here I had so many friends who are in different branches from Army to Navy to Marines and even Air Force. It's not like i know about just one branch only. It's just frustrating to me because it's not like I'm extremely one-sided but I couldnt believe he couldnt see I was right. I guess I should have known with how opinionated he was that I should have just left it alone at the beginning. However, I was looking for advice and on this he completely shut me down thinking things were still similar to how they were when he was in the military. I know it was calming to have him texting me. I would have gone off the deep end if he wasnt texting me and keeping me calm.
    I have to admit that I'm so grateful to have him in my life. There are so many different reasons why and I know that my feelings for him just continue to grow everyday. He makes me so happy and is the only one that can calm me down when I feel like I'm about to burst. I love him so much and there's just no words to describe the way he makes me feel. I love him and especially with the way he took care of me the other night after realizing what had happened. I love him so much and couldnt imagine being with anyone else. I know the future is going to be a long road, but i know with him by my side I can do anything.
    I cant wait for friday to come so I can find out whether I get to see him early or not. I cant believe that this week is almost done and either way if I get off or not I know I will be happy and able to wait. I just cant wait to be back in his arms and I'm excited to try that new barbecue place he was having me look up the other night. It seems that my desire to be with him and feel his touch, even if its simply him running his fingers over my body. I just cant wait. I love him so much and cant wait to hear his voice tonight before i fall asleep. He makes everyday bearable and I know I can get through whatever obstacle thats in my way.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

It's amazing how His voice is so calming....

Man today just seems to have creeped by. I had some fun, but it seemed like it was taking forever to get over with. I woke up this morning and found that I wasnt really sore at all from the other night. I had very little soreness, which should be over with by tomorrow.
    Anyways...I woke up this morning and realized as I slowly woke up that I was curled up as if he was there beside me. I had dreamt of him last night with him in my dreams and it seemed my body was subconciously letting me know it felt he was there too. I loved the feeling and even in my dream he was still as supportive as can be.
    The sad thing about my dream last night was I had a dream that my friend died in basic. I couldnt believe I was having this kind of bad dream, but I was. I dreamed that I was so upset that I went walking around so much and when I came back he was there and he was upset that I had gone out by myself that I could have gone with him. I thought it was crazy, but it was a strange dream. My dream changed after that and I couldnt believe why I was having it. I was just glad to know he was there for me.
    Well after waking up from a long night of sleep, I got ready and made my bed. I knew that even though he wasnt here, I still had to make my bed. It was a rule and I must follow it as if he is here. After finishing that, I headed to the kitchen and found my grandpa stirring his stew. I couldnt wait to have his stew because it's always good everytime i have it. I chatted with him some and then went into the living room to relax and watch tv.
    The day passed by with me looking up things here and there as my grandpa kind of kept to himself playing on the computer and looking up news articles. I couldnt believe that he would keep to himself, but then again I didnt really expect anything different from him. He's older, but set in his ways so I didnt expect him to change anything. I ate lunch and we talked some.
    The day passed by with me looking up a few more things, but I wasn't really finding anything else. We got to starting dinner and I couldnt wait to eat. His stew is always good. I helped set the table and got the drinks for everyone. I made sure everything was good and both my grandparents had gotten food before I sat down to eat. I wanted to make sure they were taken care of and new he would want me to do this as well. It was more a habit then anything for me to do that anyways. Well after doing this i fixed myself a bowl of soup with a little bit of meat. I had gotten maybe 4-5 pieces and a whole lot of vegetables.
    After finishing this bowl, I noticed my grandpa was done and asked if he'd like some more. After being told no, I went and grabbed me some more stew. This time I grabbed a little bit extra meat, but enough to really take away from the stew. I think I had about 6-8 pieces in a bowl full of stew. I knew to take any more then that would take away from the stew and I wanted to leave some for everyone else. I then grabbed a little bit of potatoes, since i had mostly gotten potatoes on the previous bowl. I headed back to the table and asked if anything else was needed for my grandpa before sitting down because everyone else still had full drinks and food bowls.
    I sat down and finished my soup and then talked for a while before getting up to help clean up the kitchen. I would have started washing the dishes after cleaning the kitchen, because I knew it was the right thing to do, but our dinner visitors had already started. I finished helping cleaning up then headed into the living room. My grandpa and his friends were talking so I decided to get a jump start on my journal for the night. I couldnt believe my first day here was almost done and the week halfway gone. I am so ready for the week to be over with.
    The night continued to drive on and I felt that it was going to be a long night. Well my grandpa came into the living room after his friends had left and told me that they wanted me to eat whatever I wanted when I was here, but that me taking all the meat from the stew wasnt nice. I was blown away and instantly told him that I hadnt taken all the meat. I knew I hadnt and that there was tons more and we had two other people eating with us. it was crazy and I knew I hadnt but he lectured me and pretty much told me point blank that I wasnt considerate at all. I guess I shouldnt have gotten my second bowl of stew then because I was now inconsiderate. I knew I wasnt but it hurt hearing my grandpa say that I needed to learn more to care about other people and all. I was just blown away because if he had noticed everything about me, then he would have been fine.
    Oh well, i guess such is life. I have decided I'm bored here and cant wait til I get to go home. I love it here, but at the same time I also hate it here. It get to be so boring, but I also get to do whatever I want without much getting in the way of it. I My grandpa usually leaves me to my own devices, but he's also somewhat nosy on things and what I'm working on every now and then but I usually make sure that I'm not in anything bad at the time. I only hope that time here passes fast because if they go like today does, I'm going to go out of my mind of boredom aside from the text messages that I get from  him that keep me entertained and happy.
    I cant wait for later tonight so I can call him and talk with him and hear his voice. It's amazing how calming hearing his voice can be for me. It's so amazing and I love every minute that I get to talk with him. He knows everything about me and knows just how to calm me down. I cant wait to be back in his arms and for him to see what I'm like all dressed up. He's going to look so adorable all dressed up to. I cant wait for it and cant wait to find out what all we learn and experiment with in the two and a half weeks that I'll be down there. I know I'm eager to learn and eager to please.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Saying Goodbye is Never Any Easier....

Man what a day today has been. I still cant believe it's gone by as fast as it has. I feel like today was warp speed. I kind of hope that this next week and a half goes by super fast. It's not that I dont love spending time with my grandparents, but if we dont get to do anything I knoew the boredom from not doing anything will make the time go by so slowly.

    Anyways...the day started with me waking up in his arms. I cant believe how last night went it was crazy. Me and him were enjoying each other and it started out with my getting the spanking I deserved. He had told me he was going to do it and I believed him, I just didnt know when he was going to do it. Well, I can say the shock of the whole situation was when he told me to get up and when I was still dazed and confused he grabbed me and pulled me across his lap and had delivered a few smacks with his hand before I realized what was going on. I was still processing everything when he delivered a few more blows, then began rubbing my butt. I thought it was over, but he had another surprise in store. A few minutes later, I felt my pants being pulled down to the bottom of my butt. I was still in shock, thinking maybe the spanking was over and he was just going to rub the stinging away. I was so wrong here! He ended up delivering a few more painful smacks with his hand. I felt myself grabbing the bed and trying not to cry out from it. A few seconds later, or what felt like forever to me, I felt him reach over and grab something. As I was still bent over his lap, I couldnt see what it was...he had grabbed my brush. I felt him steady himself back up and then felt the next blow land. It stung like crazy as I realized it wasnt his hand, but it must be my brush hitting me. I couldnt believe it and tried to focus on something else other then the stinging pain it was creating. However, I wasnt able to do it and I found my free hand reaching back to block myself from being hit any further. I knew I had made a mistake as he just calmly reached for the hand and pulled it back, holding it in place. I have a feeling my other hand would have flown back if possible, but his body was in the way of this one flying back to protect my butt. I received a few more hits (I was too focused on not crying out to count the number in my head) and felt his hands slowly massage them. Towards the end it was like he gave me three or four back to back to hit the point home. I couldnt believe how badly my butt was stinging and just how much it hurt.

    After the spanking was over, he pulled them down and had me stand in front of his door with my back to him, showing him my nice red butt that had his handiwork all over it. I was still in shock that I had gotten my first hard spanking and was still in disbelief. He had me stand there for what felt like eternity. I began thinking about why I had gotten it and imagined it was probably because of my mouthing off to him earlier and telling him he wasnt going to put me over his knee. Well, it wasnt a no he wasnt but a no I didnt want him to. Anyways...it felt weird standing there like that because I felt so open and vulnerable and humiliated. I didnt like the feeling, but knew that he was doing it for a reason. He wouldnt punish me except to teach me a lesson and remind me of my place and I admit that I was definitely reminded of my place.

    The spanking finished and I climbed back onto the bed with him. I had to snuggle up to him on my stomach, but he was having fun with it. He would periodically reach down and run his hands up and down my skin that was still burning. I know I jumped a good bit, but I kind of liked it a little bit too. I think I like some pain, but not a lot of pain mixed with pleasure. We ended up kissing, which I have to admit that I love his kisses. They range from sweet and cute to posessive and letting me know I'm His. We ended up progressing from there. He had promised me some fun earlier in the weekend, but because of my period it had stopped things. Well the period had been gone since that morning so we were good to go. He began to play my buttons as he only knew how. We started and then I found myself on top of him. I have to admit that there is no better feeling when I'm riding him. He was playing with me and during the process, I couldnt believe it when he pulled my hand up and had me start playing with myself. I couldnt believe I was doing it, but I loved that I was doing it for him and would have kept doing it if he wanted me to.

    Things progressed from there and I was flipped over and he began to work his magic with his fingers. I couldnt believe it, but they felt so amazing. He always seems to know which buttons to push and this time I found myself begging for release. I know i was a little bit louder, but not too much from before. I could hear him telling me to ask him a little bit louder, it took all my resolve to ask a little bit louder because I was a little nervous about getting too loud despite him telling me that he would put his hand over my mouth if I got too loud. I was finally told I was able to cum and it felt so amazing and I felt his fingers slowly working.

    Before too long, he was working my body back up to close to cumming again. I was flipped over again and felt him enter me from behind. I felt him go deep in me, which felt so amazing that I couldnt believe it felt so good. I love how he felt inside me as he grabbed my hips and moved deeper into me, making me his. It felt so amazing and pleasureable that I could feel myself ready to go again. I felt him slide out of me and he slide me onto my back and moved him into my mouth. I began sucking him off, wanting to do anything to please him and get him to drive me nuts with his touch again. I felt him change and move to where I was sucking him as he licked and ate me, but I couldnt believe it. It felt so good as he licked and sucked me. I couldnt believe it as I had yet another orgasm with him down there on me. It seems he has a magical touch and tongue and lips too. It's really everything about him sets me on fire. But back to what was going on.....his hands began dancing around in me and it set my body shaking. He moved me back and flipped around to where he was facing me, but still in between my legs. I couldnt believe it as I felt my body become closer again. I couldnt imagine how many times I had cum already, but I knew this was going to be another one. I got close and found myself begging him to let me go again. It's just such a pleasureable sensation knowing he was controlling them, but I was denied yet again for a little while as he built it up. I found my legs shaking as he had me hold them up as he fingered me and as I came close. He finally allowed me to let go and I felt my whole body shaking as I went over the edge. It was so amazing.

    Well after that, I felt him get up and lay down at my side. My mind was still reeling and I felt my pulse racing. It was like I was still coming down as I felt a light shined in my face. I was vaguely aware, but I knew he was checking on me to make sure I was okay as I heard him call my name. I turned to look at him and felt him grab my wrist to check my pulse. I was still coming down, but it seemed that I couldnt catch my breath and my body just wouldnt stop shaking. I couldnt believe the sensations I was feeling. I loved them, but it seemed I just couldnt calm down enough to stop the shaking. I felt him pull me to him, as he moved to put my clothes on for me. I would have put them back on, but was still working on my breathing and felt a little lightheaded. He gingerly dressed me putting on my underware for me and then my pants as I still felt my legs shaking still. They just didnt seem to stop, but I'm glad he was there keeping watch over me. His fingers felt sticky and he had turned on the light to dress me, when he noticed that I had blood on my belly from where he had rubbed his hands up and down it. I was in shock because I couldnt believe I was bleeding. I had checked and my period hadnt happened and nor had I had any spotting all day. it was weird and I was honestly a little scared about what it could be. I tried to imagine what was going on with my body and why I would be bleeding.

    He gingerly took care of me and waited with me as I worked on slowly calming my breathing down. He looked at me and told me to do what he said as I focused on controlling my breathing. I worked my hardest and focused on it because I certainly didnt want him to have to use my hairbrush on me again. I finally calmed down enough and was able to form thoughts, although they were still jumbled in my head. It took some work to put them together. I talked with him and he asked me if I was 100% certain that I was virgin. My mind was still confused and I shook my head that I wasn't a virgin. He asked me then if I had just had sex or something else, which I told him it was just sex (the wam-bam type of sex). I couldnt believe what he told me next though, that he had torn my hymen and that until just then I had technically been a virgin despite having sex. My mind was reeling trying to understand the concept he had just presented. How could I have had sex and still been a virgin? I had bled a little before when I was assaulted by those horrible hands (which are what I thought took my virginity away), but come to find out it wasnt him that took it. I was relieved, but it felt like I had so many questions running through my head.

    I remember having so many questions, but I was told it was time to go to sleep because I had an early start in the morning. I went to sleep snuggled in his arms as he made sure that I calmed down and remained calm enough to stop my body from shaking. I fell asleep happy and exhausted from that night. It was so pleasureable and I was happy too because he was the one that took my virginity (in all technicality of the situation). I love that the guy that I love is the one that took it and it made it even sweeter that I was made his lil one. I loved the feelings and loved that I was truly his all the way now(not like I wasnt before but for some reason this just made it so much sweeter).

    I woke up this morning and it was amazing waking up to his smiling face. I woke up cuddled next to him with both of our alarms going off. I woke up and rolled over and grabbed our phones, turning the alarms off and looking down at his sweet, sleeping face. He looked so cute laying there sleeping. He rolled over though and I realized he wasnt totally asleep. He was somewhat awake and wrapped himself in the covers. I laid back down for a few more minutes and snuggled back up with him. I had put the alarms for 7:15 because it gave me time to snuggle with him and then get ready to leave. I had a long drive back, only to get in the car again to drive to the airport. I got dressed and ready to go then laid back down with him for about ten minutes.

    I got up and grabbed my things and headed out to my car with him behind me. He was still dressed in his pajamas, but he still looked just as sexy even with his hat. I love him in his hat, as much as I love him without it. I went out to my car and it was one of the hardest moments ever. I hate having to say goodbye to him, but was a little bit easier knowing that time was going to fly by for when I got to see him again. It was hard though when he gave me a huge hug because I knew he was having the same dilemma I was of saying goodbye. I hadnt even left yet and I was already missing him like crazy. I took in the kisses because I knew it was going to be a little while before I got to see him again.

    I got in my car and left, steeling myself and not planning on listening to the cd he had made me until after I got going down the interstate. I was in shock though becasue before I had left he had handed me a $100 bill. I was in shock because that was a lot of money to me to give to me and tell me to use it. I didnt know it then, but it would come in handy. I used $25 for gas and then headed down the road. I put in the cd he had made me and almost started crying because i missed him as I listened to the song he chose that seems to talk about us "Whenever We're Alone". i love that song and it speaks to me so much because I feel that way and know he does too.

    I got down the road and was texting him the entire time. He was keeping me awake and I was making great time considering I had hit some traffic outside of Atlanta and in Atlanta. I was glad for the drive to be over and I finally made it to my friends place. I instantly had to hop out of my car, had enough time to check out his place for a few seconds, and then got in his car to take me to the airport. I couldnt believe it, but before long I was going to be in the air and on my way to Florida and the sun.

    I got to the airport and went to check in my bags. I couldnt believe it and should have remembered from last time that I would have to pay for bags. It was $25 per bag checked in. I was glad he had given me the money this morning, because my brain didnt realize that I could carry on the bag if I removed my shampoo and my razor from the bag. I used $25 of the money to pay for the bag and then used some more money to buy me some lunch. I couldnt believe it, but today was going to be such a long day.

    We loaded onto the plane on time and it was a long day before I would get to my grandparents. I was bored waiting for the plane and my only excitement was the text messages I got from him as he continued talking to me and keeping me content. I finally loaded onto the plane, but we were taxiing for take off when the pilot comes over the radio and says we'll be waiting about 20 minutes because there is too much traffic in Atlanta and Atlanta wasnt ready for us. It was hilarious to think about, but it was frustrating because we were parked on the tarmac waiting for take off.

    We finally got going and landed in Atlanta. I went ahead and got off the plane when they were suggesting those with close flights to go ahead and get off. I got there and saw that I had about thirty to forty minutes before my flight was to leave, but it turns out when I got to the gate they were already starting boarding. I was surprised that they were already boarding, but it was awesome that I wouldnt have to wait. The flight was boarded and I let my grandpa know that I was on time. There would be a delay here too, but a different one. The entire plan was loaded when a flight attendant came over the radio and said that we had to wait for our pilots to come on board. I couldnt believe it and thought it was hilarious.

    We finally got a pilot and headed into Tampa. I found myself thinking of him and missing of him. It killed me that I was back in Atlanta and couldnt see him. When the plane finally took off, I found myself gazing out the window, trying to find some familiar landmark that would help me recognize Conyers. I couldnt find anything and was a little sad. Finally after realizing that we were far enough to where I wouldnt be able to see it anyways, I sat back and put my headphones on. I was tired and figured I could take a nap. I was asleep within minutes and woke up when we landed in Tampa.

    Man I cant believe how long it took, but landing in Tampa felt so good to know that I was finally there. I headed out and got to meet my grandparents. I was thinking they wouldnt recognize me with my new hair, but they recognized me as if nothing was different. We headed out on the road and I admit that my grandp's driving scared me still. He was weaving all over the interstate and even ran a red light heading to where we were eating dinner.

    All in all, the day was an extremely good day. I cant believe how fast it went, but I'm hoping it goes better. I was glad that I got to talk to him on the phone because it made the long day that much more worth it. His voice always lets me know that everything is going to be okay. It was especially comforting because my grandpa wasnt very happy about how i had met him and all. He felt that i didnt even know anything about him, but its crazy because I cant describe to him why I know him just as well as I do. I know I love him though and I dont care what my grandpa thinks about him. I know what I know and thats enough for me. I guess its more that I want him to know that I'm happy then anything.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

A fun but too brief visit for sure

Today just seems to have come and gone and I have no idea where it went. i hate that I was having such a good time and it's now just over. I have to leave to go home tomorrow and I really dont want to. I wish I could just stay here and not have to leave because it's just so comfortable here and it's just so stress and drama free (for the most part at least).
    Anyways...the day started out amazing. we had stayed up late last night listening to various songs. I love him so much and I hope he knows because I just cant find the words to express it. The songs he was playing last night made me cry happy tears because I couldnt imagine a better person to be spending my time with and to be my dom and boyfriend all in one. It's crazy that we dont seem like we're into the lifestyle at all, but I love that mystery aspect about us that people dont know.
    Waking up this morning, it seemed to go faster then I thought. I was woken up to kisses and him whispering in my ear that he had a surprise for me. It wasnt really the surprise that got me awake, but his kisses helped too. I loved the way they feel and I'm sure I was giving him an extremely sleepy smile. I love that he thinks I'm beautiful even when I feel like I'm at my worst like just waking up in the morning. He is so amazing. I remember trying to figure out what the surprise was, but for some reason i just couldnt come up with it. He got up for a brief moment and came back and said they're gone. I couldnt figure out what he meant until he climbed back on the bed and said that I could take a shower with him this morning. I couldnt believe it and was loving this idea. I have wanted to do it before, but with his family there before it just wasnt possible. I was excited and got up after a few more tickles and kisses to help me wake up.
    I was awake and had grabbed my clothes and headed for the shower. I cant wait until later today because I get to finally dye my hair to the color I'd like. I want to go a darker brown just because it's for the new me. I feel any shade of blonde ties me to the old Courtney that I used to be and I've left her behind for who I truly am and the type of personality I truly have. We both headed for the shower and I can truly say it was the most exhilirating experience taking a shower with someone you love. I am sad that certain things limited things from happening, but I dont crave it or anything. It's just being around him or just talking with him for some reason turns me on. I love the feelings he creates in me, but I'm learning to control them too.
    After finishing the shower, we hung around and played on the computers waiting for his grandpa to get home. We were going to eat lunch with him because he does it every Sunday. I like that he has this kind of tradition and was glad to be a part of it. The decision of where to go was left up to me and I couldnt think of any place but O'Charleys, so we headed there. I was amazed and it was a good morning of sharing stories and talking about various things including what he would name his daughter if he had one, Madison Leigh. I really like that name and think it is extremely cute. I dont think there could be a better name, but you never know til the time comes and I know thats a good while away (just not in the plans...not working on a full house as he jokes with me now).
    After finishing lunch, we headed back to the house and then headed to Kohl's. we were having fun shopping and I loved it. This was after making a Wal-Mart run to return my Georgia pants so that I could have the right size. I like them and wanted to wear them last night, but I didnt have the right size so I couldnt. It was so amazing spending time with him and then we came back to his house. I love just spending time with him because lately I know it's precious. But enough on that...dont want to dwell on something that will make me cry thinking about it.
    The next part of our day we decided to go swimming after getting home when Shantelle sent him a text asking if we wanted to swim. I was fine with it because I hadnt been swimming in a while and I was glad for the chance for him to see me in my swim suit. it was an amazing time. i had my first time of jumping off the building into a swimming pool. At first he wasnt going to let me do it because he didnt want me to bruise my ribs, but he later said it was okay. I got stuck up there though because I froze. I didnt want to hit the concrete below it, but he was right there ready to jump off with me if I needed him to, which is amazing because he is afraid of heights. I love him so much, especially if he is willing to get over a fear of his to jump with me. He didnt have to though and I was able to jump a couple seconds later, although they thought my facial reactions were hilarious during the jump. They said it was like slow motion watching my realization hit me that I was fixing to hit the water. It's all good because I loved it and i had fun with him. I would love to lose some weight before I get back in that swimsuit, but I know he likes me just the way that I am.
    After swimming, we headed back to the house because Jennifer was supposed to color my hair. However, she wasnt here so the two of us decided since we hadnt heard from her that we would head out to get dinner and then go see Kevin. I like seeig his family because they all make me laugh, but it was fun. We went and grabbed some Chinese food then headed for his brothers. Getting to the restaurant I was joking around with him and he had mentioned I was going to go over his lap tonight, but I thought he was joking so I replied simply "no" without thinking about it. I got this look of "what did you just say to me" as he looked at me and told me that I would for sure be getting it for that. I was half joking, but I also didnt want to go over his knee tonight. I know he had said last night he would spank me on my period, but I wonder if he would if he knew that today I havent had anything that I could tell other then extremely light spot earlier today.
    Anyways...enough thinking about that. We talked with his brother for a little while and he said that afterwards my brother likes me and was mentioning to both of us about saving up to go to Florida in two years. i couldnt believe that I was included even though his brother was vaguely hinting at it, but it was fun. I love the fact that his family includes me in things. We finished there and headed home.
    After getting home, we still hadnt heard from Jennifer and I really wanted to dye my hair before i left for my grandparents. He told me that he would help me as much as he could, I just had to let him know what to do with it. I liked this idea and let myself go with it. I mean if worse comes to worse, I'm sure my grandma could help me fix it when I got to them tomorrow. Besides he was being helpful and I was grateful that he was willing to help because most guys would tell their girlfriends to let another girl do it they werent going to touch it. It was amazing because he did such a good job. I love my hair as it fits the new me and I also love the fact that he likes brown haired girls anyways. It's just an added bonus.
    I cant wait to see what tonight has in store to be honest and am curious as to if I will learn anything new maybe. I love him and have had so much fun while I've been here from fixing his bed to getting things taken care of that he tells me too. I'm still learning, but for some reason I feel like I want to learn something tonight, just not sure what. I am curious if the floodgates might be opened that he was talking about the other day. Speaking of those, I cant believe what happened last night. He was playing with my nipples and teasing them and then I'm not sure what else, but it was a mixture of pleasure and pain to me. It was like it hurt, but it also felt good. I dont think I get off on pain, but last night told me otherwise. Whatever he was doing felt so good and caused me to cum. It was crazy because just as I was about to ask he had already read my mind(or body as he later told me) and told me to cum. It's weird that I could do it on command, but I love it and the release felt so amazing. I wonder what tonight has in store, if it will be as pleasureable. I just am focused on enjoying every minute with him because I am going to dread tomorrow.