Thursday, September 30, 2010

Could Today Possibly Get Any Worse?

   Wow, it seems this week just isnt going to be my week really and i hate that fact. Ugh!!! Have you ever just had a moment where you were craving your loved one and all you needed was for them to pull you close to you and just hold you tight? Well i'm having that moment right now. i'm desperately craving Him and just having Him put His arms around me and pull my face up to Him and just let me know that everything will be all right and not to worry. It's just so hard not to worry with everything that i'm facing over this weekend and how my day went today. It just seems that we cant get a break with anything we do around here. :(
    So i guess the best place to start is the first part of the day where we got off on a decent foot. We fell out this morning at 420 which is so extremely early. All the other people werent forming up until 445, but our head rope claims that 15 minutes extra of sleep wont do anything. Not to gripe and complain (okay maybe just a little bit), but 15 minutes does do a lot of wonder when you are already exhasuted and running on your last legs and have pt to do and class all day. Anyways, we fell out and got to pt. I felt like crap this morning and so did my roomie. I think the mutant mold growing in our bathroom is making us sick, or our bipolar air conditioner system.
   Anyways, we went and did pt and i got sick the whole time. i pushed myself and ran about 4 laps which 1 lap is 0.62 miles. I ran a while but, ended up getting sick to my stomach part way. I have a feeling it might have been my dinner, but i think it was also the feeling of being sick and our room. I had a stuffy nose and somewhat sore throat (but it went away) and a slight cough. The sore throat may be from the sounding off (or screaming your head off for counting or answering here), but the stuffy nose is probably from in here. Our room just cant make up its mind on what it wants to be...hot or cold. there is no in between for the room.
   Well we finished pt and i finished running without stopping, but a couple times to be sick. We left to get breakfast and the line was packed. I couldnt believe how crazily packed it was....it took me like twenty minutes to get food and get back to the dorms. I had maybe 15 minutes to shower and eat and get my stuff put up in my room. I couldnt believe it, but i had it long enough to get in and get wet and then wash. It was crazy because i hate being all nasty and disgusting. Oh well, such is life around here. BMT style showers.
   After showering, it was time to fall out. I couldnt believe that it was such short time, but it was. We headed out to class and already this morning we had screwed up. We came into the wrong area and was facing the wrong way. Ugh, not a good start and i could tell it was going to be a long day. After getting all sized up, we got our weapons and spread out. We were learning weapons tactics and how to do certain blocks and defensive moves. The instructor didnt like our motivation so we got yelled at for that. Been there not even an hour and already got yelled at for it.
     The rest of the time passed by fast and then we went into lunch. Lunch was interesting and there was almost a fight. Two guys decided to be stupid and almost got our entire flight phased down. Let's just say that the rest of the day we got yelled at and lectured about how we are a team and everything else. I honestly hate lectures, but these arent as bad as His are. His lectures are even worse then the ones here. I guess it was just more infuriating to me then anything else. I was mad because people are still acting childish and just should have learned how to grow up by now. Ugh, this kind of stuff sucks because it puts a bad label on the rest of us and is holding the rest of us back from being able to do what we are supposed to be doing.
     After finally getting dismissed for the day, we found out this afternoon that on top of another early day tomorrow we are going to have a long weekend. This weekend we are doing a pt test at 0600, details at our classroom building because of someone's stupid vandalism, and then moving on top of that. So i am not going to really get any sleep this weekend until at least Sunday, although Sunday im supposed to be going to get my car. I have a feeling that we might be getting phased down and the car wont be yet. Ugh...stupid people....
   My life it seems is controlled lately (at least here) by how stupid people can act. I just wish they would get their act together because its getting frustrating just listening to the same people get in trouble over and over again or be disrespectful to the instructors or student leaders. I would think people would be able to act their age or even a little more mature with having military background, but here has proven me wrong. Oh well, tomorrow is a new day maybe it will be different.
    AFter a day like today i was ready to cry because i missed Him so much. He really is my comfort after a long hard day of getting yelled at and chewed out left and right. He knows just what to say to calm me down is always there for me whenever i need Him no matter what. I love you so much Master and cant wait tobe back by Your side. Until then, i guess i gotta keep trudging along here and making You proud. wish me luck on my test tomorrow because i want to make You proud again just like i did with my last test. :) See you soon....

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Can pure craziness be mixed with pure bliss?

   So occasionally my blogs wont be everyday while im here because the days just seem to run together around here at times. Yesterday was just that. Not only was i exhausted, but there was just no way humanly possible to express into words what i went through yesterday. Tempers ran high, words were said, tempers cooled, apologies were said, chaos reigned, calm ensued...and anything else you could really think of happened. I cant believe how crazy yesterday went and how unorganized it was, but overall there were some bright moments and some not so great moments.
   Anyways, today was just an extremely long day....we had the same class and same lecture for 6 hours straight. My only thought was that i had to stay awake for him. I knew if i came home and told Him i had gotten into trouble during class that He wouldnt be happy. Me getting into trouble here would be the same as me doing something wrong while i was there with Him. I expect consquences for my actions and have learned that it is way better to own up to them versus He finds out about them later. So He is kept up to date with everything and even knows that i have cussed in my first few weeks at BMT and a couple times here. My punishment will suck, but i hate that it has to be done yet at the same time i know i deserve it because i did break one of His rules.
   Talking about breaking His rules and how He knows above, He always knows what im doing even when i dont think He does. Since day 1 He has been able to read me and knows how i react to certain things and can tell without a doubt when i am lying or when im hiding something from Him or when something is wrong.
I love how He knows me so well and its crazy because i know Him so well without even knowing im doing it. The other day i said something/wrote about something and it was something that He was feeling. I couldnt believe it when He told me, but it was crazy. I feel that i know Him because when He gets quiet is usually when i know that something is wrong...its either i did something wrong or He is mad. Either way is not a good thing. But i have learned to read Him, but not as well as He reads me.
    I guess what my emotions and what my writing is about today is that i really do love Him and miss Him so much. Being here in training i find it so hard to keep from losing myself and losing what i have with Him. Talking to Him daily by text messages, facebook, emails, and phone calls i realize He still has that control. There was a simple demonstration one night when i was being funny and asked Him if He "really wanted to see me beg on my knees to get on my facebook" and i was joking around. He didnt like that i asked Him if He really wanted me to do that and within a few seconds i found myself where i didnt want to be----in trouble. He had me on my knees, with my head down and hands behind my back. Even with my clothes on(privacy because my roomie tends to come and go too randomly) i could feel the control He had. As soon as i read the words "Position now" i was already moving before my brain had even registered. Its little moments like that where i realize that no matter what i am still His lil one and i need to work on remembering that. I feel that sometimes i am getting too complacent here and with the things they are teaching me here. My goal is that i need to work on what i can do to focus on the things He has taught me while also mixing in things from here. Life here is only for a little while, but my future with Him is forever and i really do need to remember that.
   My Master is an amzing man and He really is so understanding and caring of things going on here. Instead of demanding that i finish a journal despite being dog tired and hungry and having to get up again the next morning, He simply lets me off and realizes im trying my hardest. Its crazy because i love Him so much and cant wait for the future. An update is sometime in the future(the day is still unknown to me because He is going to surprise me) i will officially be a collared lil one. He ordered it and i was able to see what it looks like. At one point in time, i didnt like the idea of collars but after some time in the lifestyle i have found that so many of my likes and dislikes have changed as He has helped me explore things i was too afraid to try on my own. I am so excited and nervous and apprehensive and its just butterflies for when the day actually comes. i admit that i have a fear that i will do something to lose His collar, but i am reassured by Him constantly that there is no way for me to do that except by one thing and one thing only----cheating on Him. That would never happen in a million years because i am perfectly content with Him. He is my heart and soul and best friend. Nobody and i mean nobody will ever know me as well as He does. He knows me inside and out and has from the very beginning. We were meant to be...
   Well enough sappiness in here, i might want to stop before i make myself start crying from the longing that i have to be right next to Him right now. It doesnt help that at this very moment He keeps playing songs like "Come Home Soon" or "She's My Kind of Crazy" that make me think of Him.....My theme song in my heart right now is those two put together and then the song "Far Away". I am far away from Him and would do anything to be back by His side. Well that anything just happens to be accomplish the rest of my training so i can report to my first duty station and the two of us might possibly (hopefully before i leave for robbins) be able to start our new life together :D

Monday, September 27, 2010

Could the days really be a turnaround from yesterday?

   Wow, what an amaznig day today has been. It has been crazy up and down type of emotions, but overall i wouldnt trade it for the world. It seems that i sometimes tend to take for granted what im learning here that can help me in my duties to Him. I may not know yet what it is, but i'm sure that it will come in handy sometime soon.
    Anyways, the day started with me heading out ontime a little rushed this morning. I was up 20 minutes to get into my blues before i had to be out the door. Normally i can get ready in this amount of time, but today that just wasnt the case. Boy tomorrow is going to be even harder and an even earlier wake up. But back to the topic of this morning. We ended up getting to breakfast and so many other teams were in line to eat that we had maybe 5 minutes to eat. It sucked because it was pretty much back to BMT style eating. Pure craziness. But i hated only having a short amount of time to eat, it sucked because i have never inhaled food that fast before.
   After scarfing down my food, we went outside and was getting ready to form up and head over to ourclass that our instructor came over and told us that we were late and that we were supposed to be there at 645 this morning instead of our usual time of 715. I guess there was a huge miscommunication, but it just sucked because we got yelled at a little bit over it. It made for a bad start, but when we got into the classroom our other instructor told us to just put everything behind us that we did have a bad start, but we were there to take a test. I couldnt believe we were finally taking the test i had been studying all weekend for.
   I was so nervous about this test and He had done everything in His power to calm me and let me know that i would do just fine. Having Him to calm me down is so amazing. It was like He was saying that we know each other so well because even though we are miles apart, He can calm me down in a matter of seconds. It's crazy but i love it because He really is the only person that can calm me down when my temper is raging or i just feel like bawling my eyes out. I love Him so much and this is just one of the million reasons why He really is the boyfriend/husband/Master/Dom/everything for me.
   I took the test and was so nervous about it being graded when they handed it back this morning. But before i start about the grading, i have to mention that after a talk i overheard in the bathroom i can honestly say im ready to knock some sense into some of the females here and i also am so much more appreciative of Him and what He does for me. He is there for me and has never once questioned my loyalty to me. Yes i know that there has to be an issue on trust. We both trust each other that we wont cheat on the other and things like that. It's weird because things i used to find atractive in a guy, i dont really anymore. Like the pararescue guys here---normally tan legs and fit would have been hot but now they just look like overtanned chicken legged guys. Ewww...who wants a guy with scrawny legs that's going to end up with cancer at the age of like 25? Anyways back to this morning.....
    I overheard a conversation in the bathroom of one of the females that was in my flight during basic and she was talking about how she and her husband had talked before she left and this friend she had here (a male friend) and that she just couldnt take things to a certain point. At this time, i was thinking to myself why would you even want to go to first base or even kiss someone when you are married. She was talking about how she likes this one guy more then she should, but yet she's married. Her excuse for the whole thing if she does anything with the guy here would be that her husband screwed up on his end and that it's her turn to screw up on her end. What kind of messed up bullcrap is this? You got married because you love this person, but now you are second guessing it. I'm thinking that maybe you are one of the ones that really is too young to get married that gives the rest of us that want to get married around this age(which is viewed as too young because apparently we havent really lived yet).
   Another conversation that was said in the same time was that this girl has a boyfriend and she is also the same girl sleeping around with the guys on the flight. How can you sit there and talk about integrity first and being honest with everyone, when you yourself aren't even honest with the person that is closest to you?? How much sense does that make. It seems that all the females here in my flight with the exception of like two or three have lost their minds since they got here. I dont understand it....theyre hooking up with guys they barely know and having sex just because they havent had it in forever. All i know is that i'm very grateful for the discipline He instilled in me before i left, but thats not really what it is. The whole thing is that i am loyal to Him. I admit that there may be times that i screw up on things here and there, but i will never question or place in jeopardy my relationship with Him and everything we have all because of some guy here that can offer me a few weeks of sex. HELL NO!!!!!!!!!!! I choose a lifetime wtih my Master and boyfriend and whatever else He is to me that i cant think of right now. He is the only person that i will ever make sacrifices for and He knows it. Thank you Master for being there for me and just loving me and trusting me not to let You down and to be Your lil one even from miles away.
     AFter this conversation we had classes for the day and it was right back to flashback central. I had another class about rape today. Ugh it seems that i cant get away from that topic. For right now, i dont really want to discuss it but maybe one day for my own healing process i may write on here about it just to get things off my chest and out in the open, but for now other things in my life take more importance over that. Yes, i know thats wrong to think of, but its true. I have to be tough and i have to be strong, not only for me but my flight and to be the lil one He wants me to be.
   We finished the day after having an amazing evacuation from the building for a smell of gas which wasnt even there. It was all good because we got out of class early and then had the MTL be late to telling us things. Sad thing is i have to get onto my recruiter agian about faxing my stupid forms because it seems he hasnt taken care of his end of the deal. Stupid people make me mad.....
   The day ended on a positive note with me being able to talk to Him and being able to see Him. I needed to be calmed down and happiness was trickling from me too. I just love Him so much and cant wait until we both take those vows that mean we are spending the rest of our lives together. I wonder though what i will be wearing when we do that......a traditional wedding dress or a summery type looking one??? Hmm...i like the summery one but im not sure about Him. Oh the other development on the home front is i may be getting a car. I dont know for sure, but fingers crossed for now. I am just so ready for it, but i know that i have to be patient. Well thats all for today....let's see what tomorrow holds with a sad ceremony for loved ones of those killed since Sept 11th in the SF career field.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

An Off Day Maybe?

   Have you ever had that feeling that maybe your day was going to be off or something was going to go wrong. I honestly had that feeling earlier today, but being the happy person that i am, i put that thought out of my head. I wanted today to be a good day, not just for me but for Him too. The two of us both had crappy days yesterday with Him getting called into work and i had a major headache all day long. It seemed that yesterday was just the day to end all days for the both of us. Anyways, today i wanted to go different, but it seemed otherwise.
   Today started out with me sleeping in and actually waking up rested feeling. I wondered if today would be different. It possibly could have been, but i was proven wrong. Waking up and being able to call Him was an amazing feeling in the world since during the week there is no way possible for me to be able to do that. I take pleasure in the fact that during the weekends He is the first one to send me a message.  It feels like it is back to old times then and i'm just a few hours away from Him instead of 17 hours and thousands of miles. I hate this distance because there are times that i need Him here. Especially today when i was taking care of something important and He couldnt be there.
   I got up and got ready for the day taking care of my backpack. It was crazy that this lady actually thought i was going to continue paying for a backpack that was a piece of crap. Paying $55 for a backpack that has broken straps and everything else just wasnt worth it, especially after the company billed me twice. Let's just say i wasnt a happy customer when it came to these people. So if i dont have my money back by Friday, as He told me earlier today, i may be bringing out my Domme side (haha...like i really have one). So needless to say the lady was politely told that i wanted my money back, but if its not back Friday, there will be some fun had.
   After finishing that, it was time for mandatory study time. Yeah, like i really studied. I had been studying all week long and for some reason i just couldnt focus to study. I wonder if it was mere procrastination or an inability to focus. I just couldnt wrap my head around focusing on studying the material. The only thing i was having issues with anyways was the history, which is my worst subject out in the civilian world too so it makes sense that i suck at it here.
   Mandatory study time ended after 15 minutes and the rest of the time was spent on the computer looking up various things. I was looking up the taxi cab numbers and different car places just in case. I even tried calling the guy that i was supposed to come see today. Oh my, boy is he glad that he wasnt there today because i was extremely pissed after he talked with me and said he would be there today, knowing good and well that i couldnt get off base, but a couple days during the weekend. Let's just say that i wasnt planning on making an expensive trip out there to look at this car and possibly purchase it only to find out that it wasnt even there and also the place was closed. I'm so pissed its not even funny!!! Let's just say this lil one wasnt a happy camper at all and i was ready to go off on someone. The taxi driver seemed nice and he was talking us into a deal and offered to take me and the two guys that came with me to the dealership down the road if i wanted. I agreed thinking nothing of it and wondering what it'd be like to check a dealer and see what they could do. It couldnt hurt to run some numbers and see where i stood, especially for buying my first car.
    The dealership didnt have very good news for me. The price was way out of my range and i just could afford what they were offering. Anyways, it was just bad news all around for me when it came to the car and i was just sad that i wasnt able to get a car, but i know its a process.
    The three of us headed back to base and finished out the day. I can honestly admit that im saddened more by Him not being here and being able to help me look then anything else. Thinking about it now, i miss Him so much that im ready to start crying. It's crazy how much you can love someone and miss them at the same time. I love Him so much and miss Him like crazy. Life here keeps rolling on, but it's just not the same until i'm in that house or apartment or wherever we end up living. I know either way whatever happens with the car situation, we will work it out, but for now i'm still carless. We're looking, but its not a major importance since i still have time.
   I finished accountability and this is where my night turned crappy.It seems that choices made here always interfere with my time with Him or being able to talk with Him or just how our relationship works. I have to edit my responses because of my roomie or even just i cant act like i am supposed to. I hate it and am so ready to be home. I hate being here more and more everyday, but its a good thing the days are counting down even more. I miss Him so much and find myself on breaking point everyday. I know how much He defends me from things and not to say that i cant defend myself, but its easier having that person that has your back. Here i dont feel like i know anyone and i just feel so out of the loop. I tend to keep to myself because of not feeling like myself around everyone. I guess this is my whining or whatever since i cant really whine to Him about it, but i miss Him so much. Ugh, why does life have to be so cruel here. I love my country, but being away from my loved one for this long---pure torture (not as bad as His evilness though).
    My happy side to today and thinking about it now is that i can look forward to a collar in the future. We were talking earlier and He really likes the idea of a collar now and the symbolism of it. It is a big commitment and is pretty much the equivalent of an engagement/wedding ring. I am so excited and cant wait for the two of us being together. I wonder too with Him looking at housing if it means that there may be something happening in the future. I may not say it, but i honestly hope that we can get married while i'm on leave (at least something small and have the big ceremony at a later time when we can save up and afford it) and that way we can live together because i would die living off base and we get more benefits doing it then versus once i get to the base. I guess it's just i'm so ready to be with Him, but i know i have to be patient. It's crazy knowing that you're going to be spending the rest of your life with someone, but you just have to wait for that one question. Ugh, this is horrible torture for me waiting for it to be asked, but i love the whole element of surprise that will come with it. :D I'm such an easy girl to please and He knows it, but i understand that He wants to make it special.
   Ugh, i guess this whole weekend is just crap to me because i found out Friday that i will officially be alone on Thanksgiving. Yes, there will be other airman here and other people from my team and all, but still it's not the same without Him. I wish He could be here and enjoy it with me, but He will probably be working. I understand that He has an important job too and mine is here for now.I guess that will make our time together that much more special. I just hope He knows that anything that happens with me emotion wise within the next time frame is due mainly to that shocking news i cant do anything about and just how much i miss Him. Not being able to see Him at night (much like tonight because of a choice made by me) just wrecks havoc on me. Anyways, i probably should end this before i start crying. My last touch is to put these lyrics in here because they have been in my head. Master i love you so much and i hope You know that. You make me fall in love with You more and more everyday.

Making Me Fall In Love

This last one is to thank you for all the little moments that make the time with You so amazing. I love it and everything is so true, although i know if i would ever back Your truck into something it would be my butt, not You laughing at me looking so cute. i love You Sir
Thank you Sir

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Pure craziness and its just the beginning

   Today just seemed to be even crazier then yesterday. I couldnt believe that i passed out as hard as i did last night. I loved the way the day ended though because it was an amazing long night. I ended up laying down and talking with Him last night before my time for accountability. In all honesty, i'm beginning to hate cell phone alarms. If it hadnt been for Him calling me yesterday, i would have missed accountability. My alarm didnt go off like it was supposed to or something(i did check it and it was set on pm and not am). It was set on the right time, but didnt go off. I may have to get an alarm clock if the same thing happens, but i doubt it will.
   Anyways, after accountability i got to talk to Him and tell Him goodnight. i love it when i get to tell Him goodnight. All through basic it was hard for me to sleep in the beginning because i wasnt able to hear from Him goodnight and the ritual we go through on the phone. Yes i know it's silly but to me it means a lot because for me to be able to go to sleep i need to hear Him tell me goodnight and that He loves me. I slept later in basic, but only because i was exhausted. Now that im back to where i can talk to Him everynight, it's amazing to hear those sayings that put me at ease during the night. He really is my comfort and i long for the day i'm back in His arms.
   After passing out asleep, i woke up this morning and started the day. It was a mid afternoon start though because the weekends are the only time i can catch up on my sleep. I love it, but back to this morning. I woke up and finished getting ready for the day and headed out to the library. I couldnt wait to print out a copy of my orders, so i could see in paper where i was going and have proof for myself. I also looked up cars and found a really nice one that i get to go check out tomorrow. i cant wait because He is helping me in the process of looking for a car. He has been supportive through this whole thing and knows just how much getting a car right now is important. Plus i need to have one for when i go home anyways.
   So i'm super excited about checking out the car and of course, cant wait to let Him know all about it. It looks like a really beautiful car and i honestly cant wait to test drive it. It should be good and i hope it all works out, but im not going to get my hopes up too much because they were crushed before when it came to a car.
   Anyways, after looking at the car i headed to the bx. It was crazy because there were so many families in there with babies and little kids. I saw a little boy with a camo hat and thought he looked so cute. It was crazy because the minute i saw him i realized that when me and Him have a little boy that he will probably be wearing the same thing, with one exception---it'd be a camo UGA hat. Lol. I love seeing the little kids running around and i guess it may have to do with something inside me saying that id like a kid(which yes i know i will be waiting on this for a little bit). I love and always have loved little kids. I love how He just knows ill be a natural mother. He saw me juggling a baby, ice cream cone, bottle, baby shoe and napkins. He saw me and fell in love with it because He felt that was sexy to Him. I love that He loves me in the domestic side of things because that's where i flourish i think. I see little kids and imagine pleasing Him and taking care of the kids too. i love it and cant wait to be the submissive wife for Him.
    So anyways, new subject on the day before i get myself worked up. I headed home from the bx and it was an amzing day. I got home from the base and now have people going with tomorrow to look at a car. what can i say? I'm not stupid and am not going alone or with other females to the car dealership....that's just asking for trouble right there. I have done my research on the car and know what to expect and who to get financing through and everything else. The car is going to be an awesome thing for me even though i know that my mother will think its me being irresponsible with my money, even though i have a budget set up.
   Today i think has been filled with craziness from lectures from my other and aunt on how i should be spending my money to happiness to talking with Him before He got called into work. I love Him so much and cant wait to be living together. Which speaking of which, now i have begun looking up and planning my dream wedding. It's something i never did when i was younger, that im doing now but i also am being realistic with it. It's crazy because i have never thought about this before and He is 100% okay with all of this. He has even told me to start dreaming. I couldnt imagine spending eternity with anyone other then Him because He has made me so happy and just how amazing He is. I love how understanding He is even when i have my moments because my training here makes my digress. After a long day here i'm usually tired and exhausted and may make mistakes with things i would never do wrong with Him, but He forgives me some, but also deals out punishment for what He feels like. I know that any punishment i earn even while here, is rightly given and given to me to help teach me and show me that i was wrong.
    Anyways, enough about digressing in my training. I just cant wait to get back to Him and start living together. It's going to be a change for me, but a welcome change. We lived together before i left so its nothing new, but this time we will be on our own.
   The other thing to talk about that happened today that shocked me was that He talked about would i like to be fitted for a collar. I about had my heart beat through my chest. I couldnt believe that He had asked me this....to hear these words was crazy. it meant a huge step and was almost equivalent to getting a ring(which to me is vanilla symbol of our relationship together when it happens). i just cant believe that i'm getting a collar from Him. i dont know when it will be, but i know that whenever it is, it will be special. im just curious what all getting fitted for a collar would entail. i know for sure though that once i got it, i would wear that thing proudly around the house and the vanilla one outside the house. I love the idea of it and what it means that i just cant wait to get it because i know it will be a proud moment and i cant wait to see the look of how proud He is of me in His eyes. Man, the longing i have for that collar and the lifestyle but patience is my virtue right now(not really but im trying to be patient and wait). But really....hmmm imaginging what it'd be like to be fitted for a collar???Would i have to go to a special store or hmmm...who knows. Maybe He'll tell me. :D
   So after a day like today, i wonder what tomorrow can bring. i do know that i get to see the car tomorrow and talk to Him, other then that its an adventure.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Running here, there, and everywhere

   Wow, today started so crazy, but early. I think i have decided, im sure that He will agree with me here, but im never staying up as late as i did last night if i have to get up early in the morning. I couldnt believe how early this morning came, but it was even earlier with my roomie's alarm going off at about 4am. Joyous fun on that one. I had to look at my phone to double check and make sure it wasnt 530 already. I couldnt believe it becasue it was only 4. Sighing, i lay my head back down and went back to sleep.
   Anyways, i definitely think that He will agree with my new decision. It just seems that not having all that sleep wore me out today. It was my choice to stay up later because He would have been fine with it,but i wanted to talk to my sub friend. It's hilarious because the two of us without saying very many words could get into so much trouble, it'd be hilarious and bad all in one. I got to talk to the two of them on cam and all that on skype. It was crazy how the three of us finally got to figure it out and two subs ganging up on Him was quite funny. Although i had to quit the minute i got threatened with the paint stirrer. I know when to push and when to stop, although i have a feeling that sometime i will end up getting in trouble because i want to playfully push so far.
    After waking up this morning, we headed out to class for the day. I was ready to face the day because it was going to be a long day, but short class time wise. I was planning on making it through class and then the doctor's office after lunch. I couldnt wait, but i was hoping that there wasnt going to be a repeat of the having to give blood. I hated that part last time and hoped i wouldnt have to give blood this time. It's something i dont particularly like doing.
   Class went amazing, although the weapons safety class was extremely dry and boring because we had already heard all those lectures when we went to our weapons training. I just wanted that part to end because we all knew it and had it lectured to us numerous times. Ugh....i hate it completely. I had to stand up in the back of the class towards the end because i was falling asleep writing. I knew there would be hell to pay with Him, not just the instructors, if i fell asleep while i was in class and had to get yelled at for it. I didnt fall asleep though so i'm good.
   After class, i went to lunch and it was crazy. I am wondering if i'm just have weird cravings or whatever. I have eaten a HUGE salad at lunch every day this week and it has tasted so amazing. I love salad and it seems i'm craving them like crazy. But it's also healthy so thats another reason why i love them too. I have realized i really do have to take care of myself and my body if i want to be able to take care of Him too. If i cant take care of myself first, how in the end can i take care of Him?
    It's weird though how i find myself missing Him so much at the most randomest times. I can make it days on end without missing Him other then the normal cant wait to talk to Him and then there are other days where i'm about ready to lose it completely and burst out in tears in the middle of class or the chow hall. Goodness i hate those moments because i just want to go curl up and cry, but i know He wouldnt want me too. I wonder if anybody else goes through these moments. It's just crazy because of my past and how i dont really have anyone i'm close to in my family other then my sister. I have so much going for me and everything i just am ready to get the future going. It's just hard sometimes when it seems there are so many obstacles in my path.
   Last week was better then this week and i can honestly say im happy that we havent had anymore SAPO classes. Those classes suck especially since it is a touchy subject for me. I have realized i maybe should talk to someone because in all honesty, i think someone in my past may have been right and i could still have PTSD since i havent dealt with my issues. I wonder if this may help me or hurt me if i go and talk with someone or not. He has been a great comfort and has sworn up and down He will raise hell and earth to protect me from everything possible. He knows what happened with my situation and is gladly there for me, especially after a rough day here where i have issues. It's nothing bad, just i get a little shaky and i have to take some time to collect myself. I guess my best bet is probably to talk to Him about it and see what He thinks is best, especially since i dont want a victim rep chasing me down when i have to walk out of a classroom.
    So anyways on to more important things. I cant wait until i get back home to Him because i have a feeling things will be changing greatly. I'm so excited for the new changes and am so ready for it. I know for sure were getting married so im starting to think of ideas and all, but nothing really set in stone and all. I am actually starting to dream of that wedding that i never did when i was a little girl (sad i know but i never really dreamed of what id wear to my wedding or anything when i was younger). I am so happy and cant wait and its crazy that there is a baby in His family because now i have a baby to spoil. We have a ways to go before thinking about that one, but it's an amazing feeling sharing the love with little babies that trust you completely.
   I cant wait to see what married life will be like for me both as a submissive wife and also as a wife in general for Him. I love Him sooooo much and dont want to disappoint Him at all. I think that is one of my biggest fears is doing something to disappoint Him, but our past experiences i have learned that the only way i disappoint Him is by being a bad lil one and not acting how i should. He easily corrects me and is firm, but patient and understanding. I cant wait to see where things go with the two of us. I have a feeling there may be a collar in the future too with what we were looking at, but who knows. I will find out sooner or later, until then just to stay happy.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Mind's in the gutter galore!

Wow, yet another eventful day, but an extremely long day for me. I couldn’t believe how long it has been looking back at it, but thankfully tomorrow wont be as long. It will be just like today was, except a little bit faster because we wont have Shield training tomorrow or pt. (PT got canceled which for me is good because there was a possibility of me running into another pole).


The morning started off uneventful with me waking up on time as usual. The only bad thing was the chow hall had a super massive long line and trying to get through that whole thing was like a madhouse for us. I ended up not even bothering trying to get a hot meal because the line was so long. I chose cereal instead, which would not have been my first choice. I knew I had to eat though especially because He doesn’t like it when I don’t eat and my body doesn’t like it either. The good thing was that I made the smart choice because later this morning I was starving as it got closer to lunch time.

Our flight had bad luck this morning because we constantly got chewed out. Everything we were doing was wrong. We ran into the hallway like we were taught to do and then got yelled at because we were too loud with our “thunderous footsteps”. I laughed at this, but we left on break during the morning and got yelled at by a Master Sergeant for talking in the hallway. We arent allowed to talk in the hallway of the building, do nothing but stand and look straight forward. It was crazy how much this is like going back to BMT, but I can understand because they have classes going on and they don’t want to disturb them.

Anyways, classes let out and we headed to the DFAC for some yummy lunch. I don’t know why but I have been craving huge salads since I have been here and the salad dressing at Mesquite is so much better then what’s available at Live Oak. So I fixed myself a HUGE salad and got some chicken, small helping of mashed potatoes, and a small dessert for lunch. It was so yummy and I couldn’t believe that I was eating all that food. The huge salad hit the spot and it was so healthy. I forgot to mention my new goal is to make sure I pay a little bit more attention to what I’m eating and eat the healthier side of things because we’re not doing PT as much here, even though we run everywhere and into buildings and all.

After lunch, we headed back to class and ended up finishing our class early. Boy I love those days where things end early. It was so amazing especially after we weren’t supposed to be done til about 530 and then have SHIELD at 6. We weren’t going to have anytime to eat and a lot of us were worrying, but I wasn’t really worried. I knew I’d have food and I had let Him know that I wasn’t going to be able to talk until later in the night. I was so happy that He knew though.

We left and come to find out there is no SHIELD today and PT for tomorrow got canceled. Can you say that His necklace was a good luck charm or what because today just seemed to go well for me. I only hope that it continues. Which that reminds me, I’m so glad that I’m in the classroom section of things because it means that I can wear my necklace that He gave me. Yes it has to be hidden but I can wear it with my ABUs. I’m so excited it’s not even funny because everyday that I had to take it off was like I was taking a part of me off.

Thinking of Him today has left me all hot and bothered. Not literally but my mind is in a totally different mindset. Right now it’s mainly bent on I need someone to fuck me right now(sorry about the language Sir). I am so turned on and have been all day that I’m pretty sure I can smell my own odor coming through my pants. It’s crazy because I don’t think I have ever been this turned on before and I’m sure He’s having fun with this, but it’s crazy for me. It’s driving me nuts because I cant do anything to myself or for myself pleasure wise because I am only allowed to do that when I am with Him. He has to be able to see me doing it is the rule and I’m not about to break that rule now. I can honestly say in the past that I have been shy about masturbating in front of Him but after today, I could confidently do it because I am so turned on. It’s pure craziness, but I love my life and I love pleasing Him so my pleasure for now will have to wait until I see Him again. Oh well, I’ve gone at least 12 weeks now without anything, what’s a few more.

Enough of my frustrations…..more to tell on that in a few minutes. I came back to the dorm after having a pretty crappy day and was so ecstatic to get a text message from Him. He is an amazing Master and Dom and knows just when I need to hear from Him. He always knows the right thing to say at the right moment no matter what is going on in my life. It’s crazy though because sometimes those right things to say are not exactly what I want to hear. He tells me the good, the bad, and the ugly. He doesn’t spare me any of the glory just because He thinks I cant handle, unlike the males here who seem to be babying all of us females. I always love hearing from Him though because it makes my day no matter what.

My other frustration was His evilness that appeared today. He came up with an evil idea to deal with my frustrations at not being able to do anything. I hate His rule of me not being allowed to touch myself in any way, but also love it at the same time. I love the control He has over me. It’s like a story I was reading on a blog about this submissive who battled with herself over whether to use the camp safe word that the camp had. It was crazy because I could see myself having the same internal struggle with Him. When I get into trouble with Him, it’s like I struggle so much within myself to take the punishment because once I do, I know all is right with Him and that He is doing it to teach me. Well, I hate the types of punishments I have had because to me they seem evil and I don’t want to repeat them, but after reading this article I look at them as a teaching tool. It is His way of correcting me. I still always have an internal conflict when it comes to that milisecond when He’s grabbing me and pulling me over His knee. In my head, it’s saying run and the other side of me is saying take it because it wont hurt too bad. I always wondered if anyone else had that kind of struggle, but yet again I find I’m not alone in that.

I have found that many things I have learned from Him are slowly coming back to me as I am slowly coming out of my BMT frame of mind. It seems that things have kind of been put back to the side and not having any of those resources screwed things up. Finally being able to research and read all the blogs and writings that I have missed for so long make it seem like that’s just another part of my life that I’m taking back. I know that no matter what I will always be a submissive with slave tendencies. It’s so crazy but I know this is my personality and who I am meant to be. I’m thru hiding it and here I am only going to continue to embrace it and move forward with my training and my new lifestyle. I cant wait to become Mrs. Brown (wow has a wonderful ring to it!!!!!). Until then, my training is done both here and online for now.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Frustrations vented can be good sometimes....

Wow today was such an exhilarating rush all around. I just don’t even know where to begin. I feel like after the blog that I posted yesterday I am finally starting to get my life back together. Things are slowly beginning to fall back into place where they should be and I greatly apologized to Him for my actions last night. I know for sure there are going to be days where I am going to get in trouble and be my stubborn self, but letting Him see and know that things being taught here are majorly contradicting what He’s taught me and is trying to continue teaching me helps out a lot. I opened His eyes with that blog because He got an insight into just what I was feeling


Anyways, back to today. It started out with my dragging my feet. Goodness, I will never have as much sugar as I did yesterday because I ended up crashing hard around 1130-12am and then had to turn around and get up about 440-445. Of course that was with my five more minutes please mom of hitting the snooze on the alarm twice. See I’m smart though because I set my alarm at least ten minutes before I really want to get up so that I know I will wake up and get out of bed. A neat trick that I learned in college.

We got breakfast and the whole time through breakfast I felt mopey and sad. I missed Him like crazy and I find myself suffering these withdrawals every now and then. I hate it because I have to make it through the rest of the day before I get to hear His voice again, but at least I get to hear it here. I love hearing His voice because no matter what hardships I’m facing here or the woes I face, He always knows how to calm me down and get me back to thinking clearly and level headed again. God, He knows me way to well and I love it. There are things He knows about me that nobody else knows, like my little quirks and likes and dislikes. Not even my parents know half the things He knows because He truly is my best friend and soul mate. Being here has made me realize just how sweet I have it made with Him and I am always going to fight my hardest not to lose myself and Him in this new military world.

To expand on that, I find my training from Him being thrown out half the time because of things I HAVE to do for the military. Like one rule of no underware has gone out the window because being here and all thru basic it was mandatory for me to wear it. I hate it because to me, it feels weird and actually I found it that underware makes you more susceptible to infections down there too. The other rules are reinforced, but I find myself fighting them here somewhat, where as back at home I wouldn’t be fighting them at home because it wasn’t a possibility. Yes my opinion could be voiced at home, but His word was the final say so and if I didn’t like it and made a fuss, He put an end to it real quick. This I know from first hand experience and not one I’m willing to repeat anytime soon. It’s just I love Him so much as my Master and as my boyfriend too, that I hate the struggle life creates here. It’s a delicate balance between the life me and Him live and the life that the Air Force expects me to live. I know that one day we will find that perfect balance between the two, but while I’m still in training it is a little hard. I keep finding new ways to feel His control though and will continue to glow in it. He is my Master and has the ultimate say so in all decisions and that applies even here no matter what others think.

After bussing out and getting to Bullis, we found out we were going to be done before 12 today. Man that was news to my ears because it meant I could go back to the dorm and relax and hopefully await that text letting me know the baby was in the world now. Before today she was in Shantelle’s belly, but today she finally made her appearance and is the cutest little thing ever. I honestly cant wait until I have one of my own and it is the truth that I cant wait. I know I have to though until things are okay, but for the time being I can be satisfied with spoiling my soon to be niece and my nephew that is on the way as well.

Getting to Bullis, I focused on my main goal for today---shooting the M249 and making sure that I did well on it. I didn’t want any of the screw ups that I had on Friday. It was bad and it didn’t help that the instructor in the pit wasn’t understanding either. I had already admitted that I was nervous firing the gun and his leering demeanor didn’t help my situation any. Oh well, I still qualified. But, back to today. I qualified and finished with amazing time. I think it took me maybe three or four minutes to go through that entire 300 round clip and things that we were firing. It took the same amount of time for everyone else as well that I couldn’t believe that we were all done shooting by about 1030. It was pure craziness. I was the one taking down all the scores though and I have to admit that the brass flying out from the weapon sucks because it hit me a couple times on like the helmet or the uniform. They come out with a good bit of force, but thankfully where it hit me was covered by some sort of material.

After firing the weapon, I was one of the “lucky” ones chosen to go clean the weapons. Granted normally I would have griped and complained about having to do it while everyone else got to stay back and sit and sleep on the bus, but this wasn’t true. Today and knowing what His reaction would be if I did that changed things. I gladly went and did it, not because I had to but because I knew it was what I should be doing. It’s crazy how 24 hours can change your whole viewpoint on things and your perspective. I see things differently now then I did yesterday when I was being a complete brat to Him (although part of that was the sugar running through me that I had eaten).

Finishing cleaning the weapons, we pretty much lounged around until getting on the bus and heading back to the tech school area. I loved the bus ride because it was so quiet and I could actually get some sleep. I took a nap, but it wasn’t very long because the ride is only about 45 minutes with good traffic. Still a nap here is a good nap anyway you look at it with how sleep deprived we are at times. After getting back to the tech school area, it was time to get our end of day brief and go back to our rooms, but turns out there was no MTL around. So instead, we just got sent back to the dorms. It was so amazing being able to get things done so early. I wish I had taken a nap, but laundry was more important and I know He would have thought that was the right choice in the situation I was in. Not to mention I got to talk to Him earlier in the day too.

This brings me to one of the most spectacular parts of my day----I got to turn my phone on and one of the messages, aside from the good morning message from Him (which I love rereading over and over again every time I get one) was the picture of His newborn niece. She seemed so perfect and innocent and just the picture of beauty. I couldn’t wait to see her in person, but the other thing was that I couldn’t wait to have a child of my own.. Seeing the picture He sent me of holding His niece, made me realize that much more of how great a father He is going to be. I see how caring and nurturing He is to the little girl His gran watches and to me and how He treats me and I know He will no doubt be the greatest dad. It also helps that He had a really good father from what I’ve heard of Him. I wish I had known Him, but I know there are traits of Him in my Master. Anyways, I cant wait to have a child with Him and make that other part of our life come together, but for now that is in the distant future.

Back to reality and today though for some more good news. I got to see Him for the first time on cam since I left Him almost 4 weeks ago. I cant believe that it has been so long but my heart about skipped a beat and I couldn’t help but smile as I watched His face light up. It’s crazy that being so far apart, yet I feel so much closer to Him then I have ever been. I love Him so much and can always feel His warmth and support and care even from miles away. He is always the number one thought in my head when I wake up as I check my phone to make sure I didn’t miss anything from Him. I cant wait to get back to Him to start our life together. It should be so much fun and a new beginning for the two of us when I finish here and we move to Robbins AFB GA.

But that was pretty much my day in a nut shell. Here and there are filled with random things, but around here the most important things are what help you make it through the day and those two are what helped me make it through the day----knowing He would be there when I got home and also being able to see Him face to face. Until that day that I get to see Him face to face, making it through the day to talk to Him at night is what’s going to help me make it through any challenges I face. He is my rock in my hard times and I will always work to prove myself and prove that I am His lil one.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Missing Him Like Crazy

   So today is one of the first times that I have been able to check out my blog since I have been away. It's hard to believe that it's been about 5 months since I have last seen a lot of my friends and family. I got to see Him before I left, but it just was so hard saying goodbye to Him.
   About four weeks ago was the first time we saw each other since I left those eight and a half weeks ago....the longest and hardest part of my journey is over. Thankfully the second phase of the journey is easier. Being able to talk to Him everynight and having Him to calm me down when things here get so frustrating makes it that much more easier. Life here is hard at times from waking up at 4 am and then ramming your elbow into a pole shortly after and calling Him to make sure it's not injured to passing out exhausted on the phone on Him. I wish it wasnt so hard being away from Him though.
   To be honest lately I have found myself in conflict with what He has taught me and things that are being taught to me here. I feel like I am regressing so muich and hope that He knows that i'm not doing it on purpose. I am trying so hard to fight from losing myself because I have to keep that side of myself hidden here. It's crazy though how people in the military can show traits all the time of the lifestyle. Comments made here and there about having fun with our issued handcuffs or something along those lines. I love the new job that I have, but i also hate it because i am away from Him. I am so much in love with Him and hate how I am losing myself. I know He tells me all the time that He understands and much like last night, I know there will be some reteaching involved, but I just hate that He has to do it.
   I wonder if anyone else has gone through this before?I feel like I have regressed so much and I have to fight and claw not to lose more ground then what I already have. I love Him so much and just would hate to do something to cause Him to not want me(there is only one sure way for that to happen that He has told me). I almost faced that situation earlier this week when i was told words that stopped me in my tracks "you can go back to being under consideration in a heartbeat". I never knew how scary those words could sound to me. Hearing them, I wanted to curl up in a ball on the bed right there and just apologize over and over. I'm trying to hold onto myself with Him and just keep my training, but being here contradicts everything that I do.
   I love Him so much and have a new goal of striving my hardest to prove myself and keep my wits about me. I'm determined and feeling hard headed right now that I'm not going to let my situation beat me. I'm going to not let this beat me. I will keep myself and i know for sure that i will continue being His lil one. I'm not going to fight tooth and nail to keep myself. Yes, I may have to hide it somewhat while im here but im thru doing that because this is who i am. Yes I understand that people may not understand it but screw it. I'm not saying im going to be blasting it, but i know what i want with Him and i know that this is what im meant to do and who im supposed to be with-----Him/my Master. He is the only person who's opinion matters and starting today I am putting that into place. I refuse to give up or back down to other people that dont even know me like He does. So starting now, my first and foremost goal is to be His lil one and make sure that He is happy while taking care of myself and getting things done here. From now on, my flight members here I can careless what they think of me. I'm not here to make friends, im here to get a job done so i can get home. If i dont make friends then so be it, because i will always have Him and know that.
    I love You so much Master and cant wait to be back in Your arms. You are the most important thing in my life and i will fight tooth and nail before letting You go. My training may seem to be regressing but i promise that i will try my hardest to be the lil one that You knew before i left for basic. Life here will be fun, but i cant wait to enjoy it with you. Being a submissive wife for You is the ultimate happiest moment for me and i am going to strive to make sure you are happy every day. I find myself truly blessed to have You as my Master for as understanding as You are with everything going on. Yes i have moments where i make You mad or upset or have You worried, but i promise i will always love you no matter what. I love You always and am trying my hardest to be that lil one that You want me to be. Anytime you miss me, just think of the song "Come Home Soon" because i'll be coming home soon to You and i always wear the necklace that symbolizes our rings around my neck.

------I'll always have this running through my head thinking of You :D
  "She's My Kind of Crazy"
She says

"Look baby I'm a rock star"
Grabs my old guitar
Playin' it upside down
Dancin' around&
In front of our tv
I can't see the ballgame
So I just wave my lighter and say
Yeah, rock on baby
I'd rather watch you anyway
But when you're done
Can I come backstage
And get you to sign your name
On that zeppelin shirt of mine you're wearin'
I'll never wash that thing again
Yeah and she's my kinda crazy
The little games she plays
Lord they'll never get old
She's too cute to get on my last nerve
The way she throws her little fits
Pokin' out her lip and bitin' mine when we kiss
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
There ain't a fight that she can't win
That's my baby
And she's my kinda crazy
You ought to see her in my pickup
She's gotta have that radio up
Bless her heart, she can't sit still
Head in my lap, bare feet on the windshield
Says, C'mon baby let me drive
Now honey it's a stick shift
Remember what you did last time
Oh...
She never let's me rest
She keeps me up all night
Known to roll me off the bed
And steal the covers off my side
But I hear, "Wake up sleepy head"
And I open up my eyes
And it's all worth the while
That's my baby
And she's my kinda crazy