So occasionally my blogs wont be everyday while im here because the days just seem to run together around here at times. Yesterday was just that. Not only was i exhausted, but there was just no way humanly possible to express into words what i went through yesterday. Tempers ran high, words were said, tempers cooled, apologies were said, chaos reigned, calm ensued...and anything else you could really think of happened. I cant believe how crazy yesterday went and how unorganized it was, but overall there were some bright moments and some not so great moments.
Anyways, today was just an extremely long day....we had the same class and same lecture for 6 hours straight. My only thought was that i had to stay awake for him. I knew if i came home and told Him i had gotten into trouble during class that He wouldnt be happy. Me getting into trouble here would be the same as me doing something wrong while i was there with Him. I expect consquences for my actions and have learned that it is way better to own up to them versus He finds out about them later. So He is kept up to date with everything and even knows that i have cussed in my first few weeks at BMT and a couple times here. My punishment will suck, but i hate that it has to be done yet at the same time i know i deserve it because i did break one of His rules.
Talking about breaking His rules and how He knows above, He always knows what im doing even when i dont think He does. Since day 1 He has been able to read me and knows how i react to certain things and can tell without a doubt when i am lying or when im hiding something from Him or when something is wrong.
I love how He knows me so well and its crazy because i know Him so well without even knowing im doing it. The other day i said something/wrote about something and it was something that He was feeling. I couldnt believe it when He told me, but it was crazy. I feel that i know Him because when He gets quiet is usually when i know that something is wrong...its either i did something wrong or He is mad. Either way is not a good thing. But i have learned to read Him, but not as well as He reads me.
I guess what my emotions and what my writing is about today is that i really do love Him and miss Him so much. Being here in training i find it so hard to keep from losing myself and losing what i have with Him. Talking to Him daily by text messages, facebook, emails, and phone calls i realize He still has that control. There was a simple demonstration one night when i was being funny and asked Him if He "really wanted to see me beg on my knees to get on my facebook" and i was joking around. He didnt like that i asked Him if He really wanted me to do that and within a few seconds i found myself where i didnt want to be----in trouble. He had me on my knees, with my head down and hands behind my back. Even with my clothes on(privacy because my roomie tends to come and go too randomly) i could feel the control He had. As soon as i read the words "Position now" i was already moving before my brain had even registered. Its little moments like that where i realize that no matter what i am still His lil one and i need to work on remembering that. I feel that sometimes i am getting too complacent here and with the things they are teaching me here. My goal is that i need to work on what i can do to focus on the things He has taught me while also mixing in things from here. Life here is only for a little while, but my future with Him is forever and i really do need to remember that.
My Master is an amzing man and He really is so understanding and caring of things going on here. Instead of demanding that i finish a journal despite being dog tired and hungry and having to get up again the next morning, He simply lets me off and realizes im trying my hardest. Its crazy because i love Him so much and cant wait for the future. An update is sometime in the future(the day is still unknown to me because He is going to surprise me) i will officially be a collared lil one. He ordered it and i was able to see what it looks like. At one point in time, i didnt like the idea of collars but after some time in the lifestyle i have found that so many of my likes and dislikes have changed as He has helped me explore things i was too afraid to try on my own. I am so excited and nervous and apprehensive and its just butterflies for when the day actually comes. i admit that i have a fear that i will do something to lose His collar, but i am reassured by Him constantly that there is no way for me to do that except by one thing and one thing only----cheating on Him. That would never happen in a million years because i am perfectly content with Him. He is my heart and soul and best friend. Nobody and i mean nobody will ever know me as well as He does. He knows me inside and out and has from the very beginning. We were meant to be...
Well enough sappiness in here, i might want to stop before i make myself start crying from the longing that i have to be right next to Him right now. It doesnt help that at this very moment He keeps playing songs like "Come Home Soon" or "She's My Kind of Crazy" that make me think of Him.....My theme song in my heart right now is those two put together and then the song "Far Away". I am far away from Him and would do anything to be back by His side. Well that anything just happens to be accomplish the rest of my training so i can report to my first duty station and the two of us might possibly (hopefully before i leave for robbins) be able to start our new life together :D