Sunday, October 31, 2010

"I need to hear you say i love you, and ive loved you all along and i forgive you for being far away for far too long"

   Wanting...that's what i feel so badly right now. i find myself checking my phone more often then usual waiting for that text from Him. i hate these days where i get to missing Him so much that it hurts. This week will be our 7 month anniversary and i hate being away from Him for it. I find myself thinking about Him so much and the many different changes He has created in me over the months that we have been together. These changes havent come from just me, but He has prodded me to be better and to work harder then i would normally push myself.
   A couple days ago it was the official 4 month mark that i have been away from Him. It sucks so horrible being away from someone you love so much. My focus is supposed to be on my duty and mission here, but i find Him slipping in at the odd moments throughout the day or by listening to the songs that play in the chow hall. It's pretty hard to block out someone that is so much a part of your heart, soul, thoughts and mind in every waking moment. My day is spent thinking about how i can prove to Him that im His and just make Him proud by doing my best here. i long and love to hear Him tell me that He is proud of me for everything i do. His approval means so much to me, more then anyone else's in the world because He is the only person that i truly have to please(yes i have to please Uncle Sam but not like i have to please Him).
   My thoughts are of Him today and how much i miss Him. My heart aches and longs to be with Him and next to Him. i have been far away from Him for way too long(much like the song "Far Away"). I will always remember the part of the song "Far Away" because it is so true for us----
"Too long, too late, who was i to make you wait?
Just one chance, just one breath, just in case theres just one left,
Cause you know, you know, you know
I love you, i loved you all along
but i miss you, been far away for far too long
i keep dreaming youll be with me and youll never go
Stop breathing if i dont see you anymore"
Master is my whole heart and soul and being away from Him has hurt me so much. Yes i know it is my job, but i feel that it is taking a toll on me and Him. It may just be a worry or a nagging fear on my part, but a part of me is afraid that my having to perform my job here and things they tell me here are interfering too much with the two of us. My greatest fear right now is to lose Him and go back to being under His consideration. There have been threats a couple times and i pray that it will never come true.
   The other night Master made a comment that has me thinking. He commented about how He cant wait for me to get back home so He can tighten the reins. i hate that He has to feel this way because being here there is not much that He can do with me being a thousand miles away from Him. The most He can really do until i get home(and these affect me just as bad, maybe not as bad as the spankings he'd give) is ground me from facebook, ground me from going off base on the weekends, and ground me from driving my car(this is definitely a killer right now since im still on a high about having my own car finally---more about that in another blog). i hate that He cant do anything like He wants to because of these miles keeping us so far apart. i have never felt more alone from not being with Him.
   Daily i struggle with my heart and how much i miss Him, but i put it aside to make it through the day because everyday i make it through here is one day closer to me being home with Him. i know this is just a constant repeating probably, because He says i do that a lot, but i have to get this out. My heart is hurting right now and i dont know how to tell Him. i mean i have told Him that i miss Him before, but it seems that today is so bad. i know He cant do anything about it, but just knowing that He is there for me helps to ease these feelings and make it better.
   i only hope that when Master reads this, He doesnt see me as freaking out or anything. i just feel overwhelmed today and am worried about leaving for the hardest part of my training coming up. Everyone says that it isnt that hard, but a lot of fun. im just worried because my team doesnt really know how to behave and i dont want it to turn into us having our weekends taken away. Although usually if our weekends are threatened, they know to shut up and usually do. Maybe they will take on this attitude there, but the part that im worried about is my pt. They say that it is fast paced and that anyone that falls out of the run is automatically sent to xray. i know that to a point this isnt true, but i am just worried that i will fail. My pt isnt the greatest and i hate that it isnt, but i am working at trying to fix it. i guess my biggest worry is failing here or being washed back here. This is the make or break point because we are so close to graduation.
   Sorry for all this, but it is what i feel in my heart. At this moment i am terribly homesick and missing Master. Reading a slave's blog and hearing her talk about her master, makes me miss Him even more. Her master is the same as mine and reacts the same way that He would. I have read the blog and its crazy because i see myelf in her too. i guess that is all i have for now. im going to throw myself into what i have to get done here and hope that i hear from Him soon. i know He is at work, but i worry sometimes when i dont hear from Him at times. Oh well, i better get used to it because my job here soon will be as dangerous as His is.
   Oh, before i forget i also forgot to mention that i realized that i need to work on something. i think i may have upset Him this morning after i told Him that i had a rough night. My rough night was basically i had an extremely bad headache, the kind where your head feels like its about to split open and any bright light or sounds make it hurt worse. i didnt call Him because it hurt so bad, but at the same time i should have because He would have been able to make me feel better. Telling Him about my night, He seemed upset that i didnt call Him. Reading in the other girls blog and she talks about how certain things she couldnt tell her Master because she had gotten so used to it, makes me wonder if that is the case for me here. i am so used to nobody really caring or calling me a hypochondriac when i am hurt or have an extremely bad headache that i keep it to myself. There has only been one time that i called Him in the middle of the night and that was when i woke up with the most horrible nosebleed ever and i was truly panicking. Anyways, my defense mechanism is to just ignore it and try not to call if i dont have to. This is partially because i dont want to wake Him up and partially because i am afraid that whats wrong is small and that ill be made to feel stupid because im making a big deal out of nothing. i know this isnt the case with Him, but it is always a thought in the back of my mind from the past. Well not always, but most of the time. i am still trying to work on that because with Him i give Him everything. He knows everything about me and will continue to know everything, but its just some things i cant tell Him just as easily. i hope that this gets better in the future because im trying, i really am trying to be able to call Him in the middle of the night when i dont feel good or just cant sleep instead of sucking it up myself.
   Please Master forgive me because being here is hard being away from You. Its hard being away from You and then trying to complete my training that sometimes defies what You have taught me. im working on my communication, but sometimes it isnt the greatest. Please dont give up on me because i dont know what id do if i lost You. Its already bad enough that im having to play in a man's world here, itd be even worse if i had to do alone without You by my side. So please know that im trying....i really am and i hope You see that i am. I love You so much and cant wait to be back by your side in a short month and a few weeks time. im counting down those days everyday.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Yet Another Nonadventurous Day

   It has been a pretty non eventful day other then my being locked out of the bathroom for yet another night. It seems that today has been full of doing nothing but sleeping and watching three of my friends wrestle each other on the floor tearing socks off. It was quite funny to watch, but i stayed out of it to keep from getting injured because im already suffering enough as it is. Oh was pretty boring for the most part aside from me getting to talk to Him and just talking with my family. They dont know it but all of them, Him included are what keep me getting through the day. Now back to talking with Him and relaxing. Hopefully tomorrow will be better....

oh, i forgot to mention that today was the first time ive fully watched the neverending story and falkor looks so much like a huge fluffy doggy that i love it. :D

Friday, October 29, 2010

Such a lovely day...

   Have  you ever had a miscommunication with someone???Well as of today, i had a major communication that led to someone being labeled like they shouldnt have been. i am glad though that we live in a society where most people are taught to talk things out and approach the other person. Me being the type of personality that i am, it is very hard for me to confront someone no matter who they are. Anyways...back to today. There has been a person who was said to be hazing me. In fact, it was a major miscommunication on all levels and this said person was approached by some staff and said to be hazing me still. Throughout the whole process of me talking to others about the problems and dilemmas i was facing, i never once said that i was being hazed. It was more that i was just finding the situation difficult and emotions were a little high. It even threw me through a loop when someone used what others were doing to me as hazing. Now dont get me wrong, the whole thing with my shoes and all was in fact hazing. i wont disagree with that one there, but with this one person in particular it was just a major miscommunication and she was batched in.
   So i found out today that i really do need to work on my communication skills. Not just with people here, but also with Master because there have been miscommunication issues between us where things have been said and should have gone one way but went the other. i learned this valuable lesson that it applies to every aspect of my life. Yes i jumped the chain and probably shouldnt have, but i will address that if it needs to be addressed at a later date. Me and the person who was said to be hazing me that in fact wasnt, came and talked with me tonight. She used to be my roomie and the other person that was involved in the original hazing incident. She had nothing to do with anything, but things were said one morning and come to find out it was in frustration and it was thought that i had left. Things were viewed differently. But the two of us talked and i apologized for the miscommunication on my end and the two of us now have a fresh start. i honestly felt proud and good about myself and hope that Master likes this too because the two of us talked it out.
   Anyways, back to the rest of the day. i got in trouble this morning after taking my test for leaving a pencil on the desk. We have bad forms here and for the first time in my whole time here, i had a 341 pulled for a bad reason. It got pulled because i didnt turn in my pencil after the test and we do a critique after it to where you cant have any writing utensils. There is no excuse for me as to why i missed it or anything, but i feel bad that it happened. All i can say after talking with Master about it is that i need to really start paying even more attention to detail then what i already am. i think most of it was that i got a bit comfortable in my environment here and that was a shock to wake me up and let me know that im still here and not done yet.
   The test today was horrible....i felt that i didnt do as well as i should have, but i tried my hardest and thats what matters to Master. i am glad that He understand, but i know i will do better on the next test. just seems to be a mixture of good and bad. i cant wait til tonight because we are planning on going to check out a really good steakhouse here. i cant wait because i love their mac n cheese and everything. Cant wait.... :D lots of fun for sure.
   Wonder what this weekend will bring with plans for packing for bullis and other things. Oh well, should be fun as long as i keep Master informed and keep my phone charged.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

A Long but Amazing Day

   So today i just have to say has been anything but uneventful. There is so much to tell, im not sure if there is space enough to fit it without going on and on for hours on end. I guess the best place is to start from the very beginning.
   This morning we woke up and had to be out extra early. Another morning of getting up before the sun is up. i honestly cant wait until i get home and will be able to sleep in with Master in His arms. I miss them so much and wish that i had been in them this morning. We got up this morning and headed to the dining facility to get some breakfast with my team. Crazy, but my body was actually awake to comprehend things and i was just ready to get the day over with because i was ready to get done with the tactical course we were gettting ready  to go through. The sad thing was while we were eating breakfast, i heard a song come over the radio in the dining hall that i hadnt heard in forever. It is an old song and i couldnt believe it, but the lyrics were so true....
 For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right

For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful, baby

You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through
Through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me, ooh, baby

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach

You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love, I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me

Maybe, I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because
I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me, the tender wind that carried me
The light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
*Celine Dion*
   It made me think of Him and everything that He is to me because He is the only one that has ever really truly stood by me through thick and thin and been there to help me fight my battles. Well other then my recent best friend/sis, but thats a different story. He is the only man and is the right one for me. I love Him so much and cant wait to be His submissive wife and just wife in general.
   Anyways, back to today. We went to the tactical course first thing this morning and got dropped off a little after 630ish. It was amazing and beautiful and chilly outside so it meant that it was a great day to do the course. After getting a lecture, it was time to do the course. Our instructors explained it and showed us area by area what to do and answered every question that we had. Before i knew it, my stomach was in my throat because it was time to actually go through with it. The crazy thing was, we did the course not once, not twice, but three times total today. It was crazy!!! We did it that many times, but i loved it all because i proved how tough i was.
   The first time up, i was just getting comfortable and was learning how to just go through the various obstacles from the low crawl to the high crawl, then on our backs under "barbed wire" and then russian roll and last was this wall that we had to crawl over and then pop down for cover. I found myself fighting through everything i had and getting dirt in my eyes, inmy hair, in my teeth and scraping the crap out of my elbows and the side of my face from where my helmet went up. I loved every second of it, because other then the thought of doing it for my team, i was proud of being able to call Him tonight and telling Him how it went. i wanted to be able to tell Him proudly how i made it through every obstacle and pushed through it all. Sure enough i made it through. The first time i went through it and messed up here and there. That's okay though because i still had two more times.
   The second time running through the course i did good on the low crawl. It wasnt as hard as the one at beast or as long, but i made it through it. I was able to push myself through it and closed my eyes most of the time to keep the dirt from getting in them because with the winds blowing as high as they were, the dust was blowing everywhere including my eyes. This time there were difficulties and it was hard to see,but i pushed on. The high crawl i powered through and it seemed like nothing. I got to the "barbed wire" and found that my LBE gear was sliding back. It slide down and i ended up scraping my back all the way down as i shimmied my way through that part of the course. I finished the rest of the course with no incident but was a little exhausted.
   We broke for lunch and then returned for our last and final time going through this course. After going through it, my LBE gear rode up again and i ended up scraping the crap out of one of my knees and elbows again after the pads moved down on me. We were wearing elbow and knee pads but these things didnt really stay put and moved when we did the high and low crawls. I finished the course with only one instructor assist on the wall when he showed me how to look around it while keeping my body hidden from the left side because im not a left handed shooter and didnt really know how to stand. I passed though and am so happy to let Master know that i passed because i knew not only would He want me to, but He was also my driving spirit because i knew He was there cheeering me on.
   The day ended and it was time for showers and clean up. After talking with Him for a little bit by text, it was time to go off base and get the things i needed for Bullis and then head out to sign some papers for my car. Come to find out the guy who worked my car paperwork had printed the papers on the wrong piece of paper, so he needed me to sign it again. I find it hilarious though, but good service that he drove to right by base to be able to meet with me to get it signed so i wouldnt be late or miss my accountability.
   AFter signing for the car, i also talked to the people about the loan and setting up payments for an allotment so there is no worry with it. i cant wait to do that because it will alleviate some of that worry for me about will it be paid and will they get the check and all if i paid it by check. i love this idea and will be setting it up tomorrow night.
   The day ended on a good note. I studied some for my test tomorrow and have found that i actually know the material, i was explaining it to others and realized just how much of it i truly understand. It turns out that relating these things to sports games or movies or crime scenarious actually make it easier to digest and understand and review. Who would have thought....but i admit yet again im nervous about this test tomorrow. THere is the pressure of no test failures and on top of that there is also a few less questions so it meants less to miss for the test. i am so nervous because i dont want to fail it and be one to cause the team to lose their reward and not to mention my butt would be red if i failed the test too. I just dont want tot hink about it, but i know that tommorrow will be along day for sure. although one good thing----no shield so we should be done after commanders call :D :D yay for a short Friday!!!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Another boring day....good grief

   Today was another boring and blah day. We sat in the classroom.....that classroom is so hot and crowded that it felt almost as hot as it was outside today. That is crazy...all i know is my mind is flooded with thoughts of him and is tired and just exhausted. Another early day tomorrow....hopefully i can have some coherent thoughts tomorrow cause my thoughts and head are all over the place. Sorry Master this isnt very long, but theres not much to explain about today.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

a LONG day for sure....

   Boring is what today has been....nothing but majorly boring. Classroom instruction and death by power point was the major factor of the day. i hate powerpoints and just wish that there was a better way to teach us what we had to learn other then sitting us in a classroom for almost 12 hours straight lecturing. Our classes start around 0715 every morning and we didnt get done today with classes until almost 1700. Although the other thing to it is that for every hour of instruction, they give us like a 10 or 15 minute break. It sucks because if they cut out half the breaks we took, we would be done faster and able to cover half the material in less time.
   So the other thing i have realized yet again today is just how much i love and miss Him. He is my whole life and my whole world. One of my friends here is struggling with her husband who is thinking of divorcing her and is spending all her money and his money to by things like sports tickets and everything else. im not going to get into anyones drama or anything, but ill just say i feel sorry that he has already gotten the papers and is working on a divorce. Although on the other hand i dont feel sorry too because she is talking with several different guys here that are friends with her. i have heard other females on the team make comments about her.
  i cant believe though that a good bit of the females here cant seem to keep the guys out of their pants for lack of a better description. They are so sex starved or love the attention here because females are few and far between around here because it is a male dominated career. It just sucks that these females are going to end up getting half the team sick, not that i have to worry though because i aint doing anything with anyone except Master so im not worried for me. It wont be a good kind of sick either...half the girls on the team have slept with at least one or two guys here that they were talking to. Funny thing is one chick, i think may be pregnant but not sure cause it seemed she was in pain today and just looked funny. Who knows though....haha she didnt give enough time for that birth control to kick in.
   Anyways, i love Him so much and have realized just how much more thankful i am to have Him in my life and for the level of trust we have with each other. He is my saving grace and i know with Him i can do no wrong. He helps me out and is always going to be in my corner fighting for me. i cant wait to be home with Him because being here im so ready to be home. Hearing songs every morning in the chow hall that remind me of Him, makes it hard to focus because im stuck on missing Him, but drive it out of my mind.
   I guess my thoughts are a little scrambled here, but its been a long day. LONG day for sure and tomorrow will be longer too.

Monday, October 25, 2010

A Not So Exciting Day

   Not so exciting day today....the most exciting thing to happen to me was that i got to throw grenades today. Although that wasnt very exciting in itself. I felt bad because i did mess up on one of the steps, but i was fortunate to not be like the rest of those in my flight and get screamed at by the instructor.
   I guess that warrants an explanation. We were told today how to throw the grenade and how to go through the steps to be able to throw it right. i honestly did everything right until i got to the part where it talked about removing the safety clip and preparing to remove the safety clip. i had accidentally removed the safety clip, but kept a hold on the dummy grenade. i felt bad that i had rushed a step ahead, but thankfully he didnt yell at me. i just kept going and followed the rest of the steps like i should have. i couldnt believe it felt so amazing to throw one, but i couldnt even see where it landed because we had to immediately duck and cover.
   So today was an interesting day to say the least, but i realized just how beautiful camp is going to be when i get there. i know it wont be like a normal day camp, but it will still be pretty beautiful and amazing to me. i hope tomorrow is more interesting though and i cant wait for tomorrow to be over with because it means one day closer to being with Master.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

A Present for Master

  Decisions...decisions....decisions. These are the things that flow through my head on a constant basis. What i have to face on a daily basis is figuring out how to balance His demands and the demands of my new military lifestyle as well. The two lifestyles seem to coincide together, but at times also seems to totally contradict the other. Things im taught to follow by Him are contradicted by the teachings here. i know i have said before that i am fighting it, but i guess to talk about that i need to go more into detail.
   So one of the many things i find myself battling is the whole wingman concept taught here. Yes, it is an amazing concept and i applaud the idea because it is something that helps prevent bad situations from arising. However, there are downfalls to it as well. Being constantly around a wingman there is no privacy whatsoever. Beyond having no privacy and everyone knowing every little thing going on within the group, there is also the dilemma of always having to be a good wingman, but it puts you at a disadvantage. The other night i made Master upset and mad at me because i told Him i would be back in the dorm at 9 and have my journal done and ready. i wasnt back at the dorm until almost 930 and turned the journal in then. i was trying to be a good wingman and take a couple of my wingman to a friends car, but at the same time it was at a cost to my time with Him and what i had to do for Him. This situation is one i face daily. im taught here to always be a good wingman and help people out, but at the same time i also cant keep helping everyone out and have no time for me or the things that i must get done for Master.
   Master is the number one most important person in my life and it is seen in most of the things that i do in my day to day life even though we are a million miles away from each other right now. After realizing how much i upset Him and made Him mad at being late when i said i was going to be somewhere for Him and i wasnt because i was being a good wingman and it had me putting Him as second choice. This will no longer be the case. He isnt the number two choice ever in my life and i hate the fact that it was made to be that the other night. my new choice and philosophy for myself is that as long as i have time to get my things done that i need to for Him and for myself, then i will allow myself to help others out. i realized i cant keep being out there 24/7 expecting to be able to help everyone out when they ask me too, while also making sure He is taken care of and my duties from Him for Him are done as well. We may be miles away from each other, but im going to make sure from now on He is number one choice always.... 
   Anyways....earlier today i was asked to take my head rope to the commissary to buy some charcoal. It was for the team picnic and there was nobody else here to take him, i took him there. It was him and a couple other guys tagging along, but it was to get stuff for our team picnic. I was thanked for helping them out and i was glad i could help.
   The team picnic went amazingly well and i found that there is a new song that is in my head. It is so true of the situation that me and Master are going through. Nobody else, not even those in the lifestyle, know what we have gone through or will go through in the future. Each relationship is different and unique in its own way.
He is my Master and my love and yes we will have struggles and downfalls, but at the same time we will push through them just like we have with me being here in the military away from Him.
                      "And no one knows why im into You,
                       'Cause you'll never know what its like to walk in our shoes,
                       And no one knows the things we've been through.."
    I left it and then went to hang out with a friend at her dorm. This was where the day turned amazing and kind of crazy. Going through a box of things that the girl living in her room before left, we found pictures and random things. In the bottom of the box, i continued to be nosy while she went and did her laundry. Pulling out something huge that was bubble wrapped a lot, i realized it was a tv. We pulled it out and i couldnt believe the luck. i had found a tv in her room, but to no luck we didnt find a power cord. This is where the situation gets tricky. After realizing there was no power cord, she decided that she didnt really want it and it was just going to go back in the box. What good was a flat screen tv without a power cord?
   Anyways, after thinking about it i sent Master a text and told Him what  we found and took a picture and then we got to talking about the cords. This friend knows about my relationship with Master and that i am in the lifestyle. She heard us talking about getting a power cord and all and was joking around and laughing. i told Him i wasnt sure id get it, but she had already decided she didnt want it at this point. So i got off the phone with Him after getting the okay to look for the power cord. This friend joked with me about didnt i want the printer instead of the tv, which i replied no i didnt. This statement to me lets me know that she clearly knew i was claiming the tv and if i could find a cord for it, i was going to keep it and she had already given up her claim to it.
   We went to the bx after heading back to my dorm for a minute because she needed to get some food and i wanted to get a drink while i was there. Stopping at the bx to see what they had, i decided to stop over at the electronics desk and on the off chance ask if they knew who sold the power cords and the lady mentioned they might have extras. Suddenly she was talking about what are "we" going to do with the tv and my thought was what do you mean we? The claim was given up by you and now that im suddenly looking into my options and there might be the possiblity for a power cord for it, she thinks we're sharing it. Come to find out, they had an extra power cord in the back for the tv so i got a power cord for free. i love it and will have to keep this in mind for any other kind of electronics that i get.
   We left the store and i headed back to her dorm with her after grocery shopping. It was annoying to me because she had mentioned again what are we going to do with the tv. i kind of played it off and said well i have to play with it first to make sure it works. i didnt want her to know it, but i purposefully left the power cord in my car so we had to bring the tv out. i grabbed the tv when she came back to my dorm with me and left it in the car when i got out. i wasnt going to bring it in with her here, so i purposefully left it in the back. i hate to seem like im a witch or being tricky or whatever, but i had claimed the tv as mine when she gave up on it due to not having a power cord. It was like all of a sudden she went to wanting it because i was going to be able to use it and knew how to get a power cord for it. Anyways.....i left it in my car and went and finished running my errands and im not officially the owner of a flat screen tv. Well not just me, me and Master are the new owners of a flat screen tv. For now it will stay in the cabinet until this weekend when i want to watch movies or after duty hours, but it will go back to being locked up at the end of the night.
   i cant believe my luck and i cant wait to take it home and let Master see it. It's not big, but i know He will love it and i love the fact that i got it all for free. It works great and the dvd player works great, the only thing is that id need to get a remote for it, but that costs $5 at walmart. im so in heaven and cant wait to bring it home to Him. You get rewarded sometimes when you dig for the hidden treasures.
   Today was a long day, but im ready for this long week to go ahead and start so it can be over with. i hope that i can do well and make Master proud.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Feeling proud for Him :D

   Wow, today has been amazing!!! I feel like i have accomplished so much although i dont like the fact that i made Master mad at me on accident. im still trying to figure out a way to make it up to Him, which im not entirely sure of just yet. Anyways back to the day...
   This morning was amazing. My alarm went off and sad to say i turned it off after i hit snooze twice on it. i meant to get up, but for some reason i just rolled over and went back to sleep. It seems that the weekends are really the only time that i can catch up on my sleep and today was a good day for that because i had been exhausted all week. i slept for 13 hours!!! i cant believe it and Master was shocked because He went to bed after me and was up before me. i was told though that there will be no sleeping in while we are at the cabin. im sure that this is true because He is the only one that knows how to wake me up, even though i usually wake up when He gets up most of the time.
   Anyways, after that i got up and did some laundry. i hate doing laundry here because we cant leave it alone. There are people here that like to steal other people's clothes like tshirts and everything. i admit that i realized i had more then 4 tan tshirts because two are still hanging up in my closet. It made me feel very foolish to realize this, but oh well. i know i have my blonde moments and i admit to most of them. i did my laundry though and was actually able to get it done in a reasonable amount of time----under two hours.
   Finishing the laundry, i realized i still had to go to clothing and sales to get my stripes for my jacket and my shield and function badge. It was surprising to me and i got a compliment that i wasnt expecting from a lady there. She was looking for the same badges i was and had no idea which one was what. She asked for the function badge and the shield and the lady had to go to the back to look for the shield. While the salesperson was in the back, the other lady customer asked me if i was buying them for a husband or boyfriend and i told her no i was in the service myself. She said oh well congratulations and we talked for a few more minutes. She told me that i was one of the few pretty police officers that i needed to be careful and watch the males. i laughed and told her that i would watch them and thank you. It was amazing to me that i would be told i was pretty by another female because my hair was a mess and everything, but it made me feel really the way Master makes me feel when He says that i look sexy in anything that i wear. 
   Anyways, i finished there and went to finish the rest of my errands. Master made a comment and i truly agree with Him that during the weekends i need to wake up earlier. Today it seemed that everything was rushed with what i was doing, but in all honesty i was killing time anyways because i couldnt go to Walmart until after 6 because thats when my friend got off work.
   Today has been filled with a lot of fun and hopefully tomorrow will too. Who knows because i have to go hang out with people from my team.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Troubles or hesitancies...still being formed....

   Today, wow what an interesting and emotional day. I just cant even begin to describe the various events that went on from the hosue party that got broken up by the cops to the various scenes where i got thrown down on the floor all over again. It seems that i love that aspect of things, but it also lets me let go of my rebellious side and just let it go so it doesnt come out on Him.
   I have done some serious thinking and im still working at getting my thoughts together, but it seems they wont focus. Bullis is after next week and im worried that i wont make it. im worried about it because it is the toughest part of this training. i know that with Master pushing me and always there by my side that i can do anything, but i know it will be tested in these upcoming weeks. It will be hard for me going from being able to talk to Him daily by computer and email and text and phone, to just phone calls. i truly do hate the idea of how our communication will change in the upcoming weeks and i hope it wont affect anything.
   i also feel that my communication skills suck. im trying so hard to fit in here and do things, but at the same time i feel that things here are making me struggle with Him. I feel so torn because here i am being taught to be loyal to my wingman and be good to them and they will take care of me but at the same time i am so loyal to Him too. i feel lost because i am so confused as to what to do. i want to put Him first and foremost in things, but it seems with here it is impossible to do. He is the number one thing in my life and my job is second, but here it seems the people and instructors are making it the number one thing in my life. i dont know...i guess as the thoughts come down there might be more on this later...but my thoughts are so out in left field right now.
          I'm sorry for anything going on that makes it seem like im not paying attention to You or that things tend to go in one ear and out my other ear. I try my hardest and You are always and will continue to be the number one thing on my mind. I am still struggling with how to process You and the training here because they both interfere. I love You with all my heart and soul and want nothing more then to please You, but being here just makes it that much harder. I never knew that i would have to struggle so hard to hold onto something that i love so much. I know im not giving up on You or what we have together because whether i like it or not, i am Yours. I guess this is just one of the trials to face, but i admit its hard and i hate seeing You get frustrated because it seems that You are being put on the backburner when it is not meant that way at all. Please just help me to figure out how to make this work and how to stop letting my training here interfere with You and U/us.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

A Near but Distant Future...

   Today has been an amazing day full of fun and just plain getting down to business too. I hate to say it but it seems the bright future gets closer each and every day. Being here i am reminded each and everyday just how much i love my Master and how i know ill never take Him for granted. So many people here are finding it hard to understand others or are having difficulties with their partners finding out various information while theyre here. Our relationship is so much different because i dont have to worry about any of that. Master is ALWAYS kept in the loop as to what is going on(aside from last weekend where He didnt hear from me for 5 hours or so...that was a phone glitch). He always knows where im at, who im with, and what im going to be doing at a given time. Even though we are a million miles apart, okay so maybe a thousand or so, He is still in charge of me and i am still His lil one. Me joining the military didnt change one thing about how our relationship works.
   Anyways, time for me to get off that soap box im on. i felt that i needed to say that after reading a fellow bloggers story that i follow and see that she is struggling with not being able to talk to her daddy like she wishes she could. i feel her and understand where she is coming from because some of her feelings and emotions i feel right now (okay so maybe im not off that soap box yet) and i feel it is a rollar coaster. There are so many days that i have good and bad mixed in and i just wish that He was here to hold me and that i could just feel His embrace again. The other night when i got in trouble and could tell He was so upset with me, i actually was happy that He was this worried. Dont get me wrong, it wasnt a happy that i was in trouble and had made Him worry but a happy that He cared enough about me to be this worried. i had missed that, not to say it wasnt there though.
   i dont know if Master knows this because i am not one to usually be extremely open and just say things, it has taken a lot of coaching and im still working on it. Anyways, i find myself struggling everyday to make it through things here because it is so tough. Today we were dealing with domestics and then processing crime scenes together. i found myself worrying somewhat seeing that if medical were to come into some of the situations we were creating, they would be in a world of hurt and setting themselves up to be either seriously injured or killed. This brings whole new worry to me about His job and i now realize just how dangerous it is if He were to respond to calls like this. i worry that some cop may not know how to do his job and my Master goes into a bad situation. i guess thats more worry on my part and i know i shouldnt worry but sometimes things like these just pop up in my head.
   After learning about this, i have realized too that i just miss Him in general. i miss the feel of His skin against mine....the way He kept me warm at night when i was freezing just with the heat from His body. So many little things that i took for granted that im relying on to remember. i dont have much longer left, but i feel myself struggling during the day to get through. im exhausted and just extremely homesick and i dont know how to fix it. We talk every night, but sometimes its just not enough. i dont mean to seem like a baby or anything, but i miss HIm so much that my heart hurts at times when i get to missing Him so much.
   On top of that, the time we have to talk is very limited and sometimes i fall asleep on Him because i am so exhausted. i hate that i cant even be His lil one and take care of Him by being so many miles away and i even fall asleep on the phone on Him. i try my best everyday in training and some days it is a true struggle, especially running days, but i do it knowing that i am working to make Him proud at the end of the day. Much like this morning we ran the formation run for pt and i stayed with them the entire time. i didnt feel anything and wasnt really paying attention to the comments behind me. i was focused on making it through it with no complaints or asking to slow down(i did ask but that was because a couple girls were ahead of the instructor that was setting the pace). i achieved this goal and made it through the run feeling no pain. i had reached the point of breaking and had gone past it. i know my running sucks though and i wonder if Master may think it a good idea to run every morning during the weekends or at night during the weekends with a wingman to work on it.
   So to the day i had today that was so amazing. the team and i headed back to the mock air base to do our drills and run our domestic disputes. This morning my squad didnt go so we sat around and pretty much killed time until lunch time. We learned how to draw and sketch a crime scene and how to process one just in case we would ever have to do one. Lunch was amazing and it was Little Caesars pizza. 28 pizzas for like 50 people that decided to eat was sooooo good.
   i also headed to the dining facility with one of my friends and had a blue slushee. i honestly looked(and the TDYs were nice on their comments and didnt say anything even though lots could have been said) like i had either eaten a smurf or sucked one off. My lips, teeth, and tongue were a bright blue. It was hilarious because the instructors thought it was hilarious and laughed at the three of us with the smurf mouths. i didnt do it for the guys to make comments, i just wanted to try the blue slushee cause they didnt know the flavor. It just happens to be the best flavor ever---blue raspberry, like the dum dum suckers.
   After lunch the fun started. Our instructor was back so my squad and the other one was back to being evaluated. i got to be an actor again and the first couple scenarios we did were just plain boring. Nothing really dramatic although i did get to lay on the floor and play dead. One of the guys working with me and i came up with the idea to fool them and do one where both of us take off running in opposite directions. It would have worked great if i had a clear shot for one of the doors, but i didnt. He ran off after dropping the speaker he was supposedly returning and the other cop ran after him. i pulled out a gun acting like i was going to shoot him, when the other cop saw me doing that. He grabbed the gun out of my hand and still had a hold of my hand when i made a bolt for the door. It was crazy though because the whole time i was resisting he never let go of my arm. He had a grip on me the whole time. The other crazy thing was i had enough fight in me to drag a 25 or 26 something guy out the front door and then onto the lawn, but that was where i got stopped. He still had a hold on me this entire time because i couldnt break free of his grip and when i went to turn right, he spun me around and sent me down onto the ground. i tried getting up, but before i even could he had one arm pinned high up in my back and i realized any further resistance wouldnt work, but i was still fighting. What can i say??My feisty side had come out for day two. He finally handcuffed me and then the scene was over and he took off the cuffs. i was surprised at my own strength though and never knew i could pull a man his size out of a doorway if i really wanted to get away.
   Anyways, the domestic disputes today were oh so much fun and i cant wait to do some more tomorrow. im not entirely sure if i will be acting though because we will have a different instructor with our group. i hope she goes with the same philosophy that the instructor did today and keep the same actors because we know all the scenes already and the people who are the cops dont know them. it would make more sense and all the actors would end up going very last or something like that. i wonder though if they will do one where they get the whole neighborhood invovled and have like 30 different cops running around trying to get people out of certain situations and getting them detained and all. Oh well, guess i will find out.
   Tomorrow is a new day and thankfully it is finally Friday. i am ready for the weekend and ready to be able to talk to Master. this upcoming week is going to be highly stressful and i know that i need the stress reliever for sure. i love Him so much and cant wait to get home to Him because every day im away from Him, this wetness and ache for Him just keeps growing. It's a need down in my belly, but further down, that keeps growing and wont be stilled until i can see Him again. :) Until then, i will be a wet and waiting lil one for Him.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Rebellious lil one Made an Appearance :D

    So today has been an adventuresome day of training for sure. I had so much fun and i have a feeling if Master had been involved in any of the skits going on for our domestic disturbances, i would have gotten my butt beaten for sure. Today was so amazing and i realized that i for sure loved acting, but it was hilarious the reasons i was acting for.
    Anyways, before i go into detail about that i have to admit how my morning started out. i woke up this morning to my phone vibrating. i forgot to put it on alarm only and almost slept through the alarm if my roomies alarm hadnt gone off. That was my life saver this morning and i know that Master wouldnt be happy if i was late this morning. From now on i will double check and set my alarm for the morning before i even call Him so that way i know for sure it is set to alarm only on the ring. But pt started and it was a few exercises and then self paced run. Of course cityslicker(new nickname for the evil instructor that we all say has no life and nothing better to do then yell at us for the randomest things. he enjoys yelling at us over the stupidest things) was there and yelling at us that we werent sounding off loud enough, but it was his fault because none of us were sure if we could sound off after his comments about pt yesterday.
   Pt started with the self paced individual run and i ran. I have to admit that i may be finding an ice pack somewhere because my knee is starting to bother me a little more then usual. i think this is because it is starting to get colder and it doesnt help that i stepped on it wrong(well not wrong but a little bit too hard when i was doing sprints the other day) and it is still feeling hurt and just out of it. I ran though and when we finished our bus pickup time wasnt until 0815 which meant to be there at 0800 which meant ropes accountability was at 0745. This was too late for cityslicker, he decided to change our time to 0730. Our whole flight had about 50 minutes to get food(along with like 4 other flights trying to get through and get food at the same time) and then get 4-6 people showered and dressed. It was almost impossible to us all and we thought it was a bunch of bull that he was having us out this early. No lie, we stood outside and waited 45 minutes for the bus to show up and oh...the instructor that wanted us out so early didnt show up himself for another 20 minutes after he had us get there. i wasnt too happy.
    So we left him and headed to the mock base that we have here where some training is. It's amazing because it really does look likes its own little base and there is even a real live correctional facility for the trainees and airman that do wrong on the base. It's small, but it still works. Anyways, we headed into different groups with the instructors and talked about domestice disturbances. It was crazy listening to the statistics about how many happen in a day and how many people are killed by a spouse every minute. I couldnt believe it, but i know with Master that i will never be one of those statistics. He may be mad at me for something or get upset, but i know without a doubt that He will never hit me in anger or from being upset. He will cool down first before even talking to me and then deciding what should be done from there.
   I got to be the actor today for our groups domestic disturbances. I had so much fun doing this because it let me let loose my rebellious side. i swear that if Master had been here and been one of the people coming into these scenarios, my butt would have been whooped if i had tried resisting Him like i did a couple of the people. I have marks on my wrists from one of the guys that i put up a good fight. i was compliant until he went to put the handcuffs on and that's when i fled the room. i fled into a room that didnt have an exit though and thats where i ran into trouble. After i had the cuffs on, i was still being feisty. i honestly was imagining this guy was Master who had the cuffs on me and i struggled some. He threw me into the wall and had me stand there and of course my smart mouth was able to be used here. I got to relieve an itch from both of smart mouth and my rebellious side.
   I dont think i would ever smart off to this guy as a cop though because he is rough with the handcuffs. The marks i have left are because he decided to be rough with me because i was resisting. i refused to walk with him after i was handcuffed and then went to run away. What can i say?? Hehehe....i really was thinking it was Master with the cuffs on me. i was having so much fun and loving every minute of this acting. i couldnt believe that i was actually able to run and resist and everything. The instructor for me and my partner (or pretend spouse) told the two of us that there were no holds barred on this day. He wanted to see what we would come up with and threw a loop at all the people that came through. The loop i threw this guy was that i just wasnt going to be compliant, then id appear compliant, then go back to being stubborn and resistant. It took the fight out of my system for the time being.
   The rest of the day was fun with me and my pretend spouse going through different scenarios from a couple fighting over too much money being spent to an alleged affair after coming back from overseas. It was crazy and the last scenario the instructor got in on. All four of us that were suspects caught the cops off guard and i ended up being on my knees, ready to be handcuffed when the instructor pulled out a weapon on the cops. He wanted in on one of the scenarios and i guess the last one of the day was the one that he wanted in on. Either way it was crazy and good fun. i think total today cops killed was like four or five because they got so drawn into a situation that they werent paying attention to me and i was able to sneak off and get my knife or pull out a gun and shoot them. It was crazy but amazing fun. i had so much fun being bad and running from the cops and just being plain mouthy in general. It was my one chance to just be mouthy and not worry about anything that happened.
   So after finishing up the day playing the rebellious suspect and victim, our team headed back to the dorms. It seemed that today was our lucky day because our instructor said he would brief us at our accountability tonight. It was amazing to be finishing the day before 1700 because normally we werent getting done until after 1700 because our team had to stand around and wait for our instructor to get there, but not today. We were extremely lucky.
   Heading back to the room, i took a shower and got ready for the afternoon. i felt like i just needed to get out of the dorms for a little bit after a long day at work and i needed to check out a place here on base. It was supposed to be like a salvation army for the military and i just wanted to check it out to see what they had. im not planning on buying any new things like a microwave or anything because i have one at home with my parents.
   Anyways, i headed out to check the place out with one of my friends. Since im still grounded from going off base until Master says otherwise, i had to find something to do. Me and my friend were talking about me and my Master when he revealed to me that he himself is into the lifestyle. He isnt like my Master and dominant in nature, but a switch. Of course, he wouldnt ever dominate me because for one i wouldnt let him and two he knows that i am taken by my boyfriend and Master. i talked with him and figured out that he likes and wants someone who is a switch in nature because he wants someone who is an equal to him. My natural thinking is a switch, which when i asked him and explained thats how i saw what he was saying, he agreed.
   The crazy thing is though that i love having two friends here that i can confide in and be myself around. i can answer Master like i have been craving to do, but just cant because of the people i am around. In all honesty, i dont think my roomie cares one way or the other because of how she is so i dont fear on that. i just am glad to have someone that i dont have to explain or answer questions if they were to hear or read something that Master sends me because with myself now owning a car and driving around, i cant text and drive but i still have to keep Master informed of what is going on. Like last night, He was asking me questions and i had my friend answer becasue she knew about Him and what my answers meant and everything. i just honestly feel like i am slowly and surely getting back to being the real me. Also i am glad that my friend now understands why i cant go off base after this weekend because he knows im grounded now(we had a talk and i explained how me and Master are----just that i am submissive and He is the dominant and our relationship is a lifestyle revolving around those personalities of ours).
   So today has been an interesting day and i cant believe that its almost over. i am so ready for this weekend though because during the week i feel like i dont get to talk to Master enough. i get to talk to Him after 2100 my time and by then i am getting ready to crash and am just pure exhausted from the stresses of the day. i feel bad and me and Him discussed it last night, its just i hate having such a short time to talk because its like we barely talk before im ready to pass out. Master understands that it is not me personally doing this, but that my body is just exhausted and we have made plans that we talk for long hours on the weekends, which i have no objection to because i would love to talk to Him for hours on end during the week if i could too. Oh well, you cant always get everything you want and this is just one thing for me. It will be worth the sacrifices in the end when we are married and working on our life together. Until then, i just have to suck it up and deal with it and continue to be the lil one He wants and dreams of.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I feel like a grownup today :D

   Today has officially made me feel like a grown up if i didnt before. i took a big step into being an adult today....i finally bought a car. i feel so proud of it because it is a big step into the future. It brings a whole new freedom here, especially with how the taxi rides are so expensive. I love having this new freedom because it doesnt limit where i can go other then my distance requirements from being here.
   Our car is amazing and i cant wait for Him to see it because it is the first step towards us and the future together. I honestly cant believe that He helped make this car possible, because without Him i wouldnt have found it. He found the website and encouraged me to keep trying and looking when i was getting disheartened. He has always encouraged me to keep fighting and pushing forward.
   My Master is an amazing man and i love Him so much. Today He was asking me about how i felt in His arms, how i felt when i kissed Him the first time, and what i liked the most about Him. I found myself imagining Him right there beside me and my heart seriously began to ache for Him. He truly is my heart and soul and i miss Him. He is my other half and i miss Him. Describing how things feel to Him is just so hard for me to do because i cant put into words teh way He makes me feel. He is the warmth i seek when all i feel is cold. He knows just how to sooth me no matter what.
   I love Him so much and cant wait to get home to Him. It seems the days keep dragging on, but they are truly slowly winding down and down. I just hope that when i get back that im the lil one He remembers and can remember all my rules and just everything He has taught me. I know it did even through basic on a couple, especially when riding with Him because my hand went directly to His leg where it was supposed to be. I hope that i can be the lil one He wants me to be and the submissive of His dreams. I try so hard and i hope that i am what He wants and more. I have so many thoughts in my head of Him, so for now i just sit and imagine myself wrapped up in His arms as i lay here in this lonesome bed.
   Anyways, my punishment has changed. I cant believe it but i get to stand at attention and listen to Him lecture to me on how worried He was. I wish that my punishments were over with already. Although i have to admit i am happy with what i am given, as long as He doesnt put me back to under consideration. Those two words chill me to the core and i dread it as much as possible. i dont ever want to hear those words again because it means i have majorly screwed up. I would hate for that to ever happen. As long as He doesnt do that or send me to some school to fix me i will be good. That may be pure fiction, but i know there are a couple schools out there to fix and train a submissive and my only hope is He wouldnt ever send me to one because it would scare me...especially if it was like the story i read. Oh well, guess there will be a curbing to my rebellious side at some point, although im mostly a good girl as it is. I just have my moments here and there.

Monday, October 18, 2010

A Thought Provoking Day for Sure

   Today has been one of the longest day ever, but also the shortest day ever. I had so much to do today, but so little time. The day started so early with pt and boy did i really push myself. i wished that it hadnt been as hard as it was, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal with it. My team did sprints this morning and on a sprained knee(even though its healed its starting to hurt again) i did pretty well. My instructor raced me and the other people in my line and i for sure got my butt handed to me. What can i say not as fast as males when it comes to sprints.
   Anyways, towards the end of the sprints this morning, i ended up hurting my knee again. I was doing a sprint and ended up landing hard on my bad knee. It hurt so bad and i had to take a minute break. I wasnt sure what i had done and walked and stretched it out as best i could. I didnt want to show my weakness or let my instructors know that i was hurting. Shortly after, we had to do lunges down the street to our mark instead of sprints because people were walking past. My knee was throbbing by the time i got done. It seems somewhat better tonight, but it hurts still the same.
   Sprints soon ended and it was time to grab some breakfast and then head off to class. Today was going to be a good day. Come to find out, we were learning how to do traffic stops and then did some evidence tags as well. I came back at the very end of that because i was taking care of some issues from my pay. I got my password reset for my mypay account so i could finally get into it after being locked out of it for a couple weeks.
   Finishing off the day today was amazing and just as long as ever. It seems to be a common theme around here that we sit around and wait forever. The team got released at 330 and we sat around and waited until almost 415 to get told to go talk to the instructor to get released. It was crazy and i hate that we always have to sit around and just kill time waiting for the instructor to show up which usually takes at least an hour. This is where our flight gets into trouble because we have to stand in one place for about an hour at least and cant ground our gear. THe people in the flight are restless and dont like standing still for long (much like me) and not being able to talk puts us into a very frustrated mood very easily.
   Anyways, our flight got into trouble for moving at attention and just pretty much as our instructor put it "having our heads up our butts". I dont think so because our head instructor came and told us we did really well this morning at pt and he liked what he was seeing, but the other one said we sucked and weren't allowed to sound off at pt on wednesday morning since we werent motivated this morning. The funny thing is we wont be getting in trouble for not sounding off by the MTL on wednesday because it will be our instructor taking the heat for us not sounding off on the exercises. It will be crazy though because wednesday is individual run or group run, not sure which.
   So tonight has gotten me thinking a lot for sure. I am so ready to get my punishments over because i feel so guilty with them hanging over my head. I hate the feeling they create because until they are given, they hang over my head because i know i disappointed Master. I hate beyond anything else, disappointing Him. I just hate Him being upset at me period. I am ready to get my lecture over with though. My corner time has officially changed and is no longer corner time. It is now where i get to stand at attention and listen to Him lecture about how worried He was. I dont know which part i hate worse....the lecture or the standing at attention and not moving. Goodness knows i will need some major self restraint to not move and just to be good. I'm already in enough hot water as it is.
   Thats the other reason i was good today. i honestly was tempted to go get a sweet tea from McD's, but i knew that even if Master didnt know about it (He is a thousand miles away how could He know), but He knows me so well that the guilt from doing it would eat away at me and i would find myself telling Him. Not just that, its a whole integrity thing for me and about following His rules. He is putting my trust in me being here and to still follow His rules to the best that i can with my limitations here. If He trusts me that much, then i have to be a good girl for Him and show Him that He is putting His trust in me for a good reason. I couldnt see myself intentionally disobeying Him anyways, because im just not that kind of person. I am the type to playfully fight and run away, but that is with knowing that He will catch me(random thought....i wonder what He would do if i played hide and seek at the cabin???would He come find me and would i get a bad spanking??). I love Him so much and would never intentionally disobey Him. He is my Master and i am to follow His rules even if i dont like them or want to do something else. He's not a complete dictator and has them for a reason....Besides that, i am the one that got myself grounded from going off base so its my own fault.
   Tomorrow is going to be a long day and i am ready to just get it over with. We start our training at 0700 and if we skip lunch, it will have us getting done by 1. I just hope we do and if all goes well and we dont lose our phase, i can go sign the papers for our car. im so excited about our car because it is the first thing that is ours together :). I cant wait for Him to see it and to break it in....going to be an amazing year i can tell.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Trouble, trouble, and more trouble

    So today has been filled with a mixture of me getting myself into and out of trouble. I was still dealing with all that had happened last night. Recap is that i was a little over 5 hours late in getting back to talk with Master. He wasnt very happy about not hearing from me for over 5 hours and was extremely worried and pissed. I hated the feeling of knowing i had disappointed Him majorly and upset Him. He was beyond upset and i was so afraid that i was going to lose Him or go back to being under consideration instead of His lil one. There has only been one time in our whole relationship that He has threatened to do it and it scared me to my core(and still does). I dont know what i would do if He was ever to do that as a punishment because to me it is humiliating and just plain disheartening to know i would have disappointed Him that much.
   Anyways, back to the day. Today started out with a better day and i for sure followed His instructions from last night and called Him the minute i woke up. In the past i have waited until i was a little bit more awake and less sleepy sounding to call Him, but today was different. Not only was i not waiting, but i didnt want to chance Him being upset with me again today. Last night was bad enough. But i called Him and talked with Him and one of our submissive friends. She knows all about how i was in trouble and was comforting me last night when i couldnt sleep. i was so afraid of what He was going to tell me today. This morning He told me that He still hadnt come up with my punishment yet, but He had gotten my email last night of my journal that i wrote when i felt so hopeless.
   He told me a short time later that it was my job today and my task for the day to figure out how to get back on His good side. For the life of me, it honestly took me half a day to even come close to an idea. Admittedly (and ive done this in the past when i have had to come up with my own punishment for things) i googled some ideas and came up with one that was on my own. The others i took from ideas that i would hate and it became one long punishment. After thinking about it and wondering if it was going to be enough for Him and a good enough punishment, i offered my suggestion. A spanking, either separate or added onto my total already, corner time because i hate not being able to talk or move(not moving kills me more then anything), writing an essay on how i felt knowing He was worried about me and how i would fix my behavior, and i am grounded from going off base unless it is something to do with the team or with our instructors.
   He liked the ideas of all the punishments and took all of them. I was wondering if He was going to pick just a couple, but i got all of them. I'm not complaining though because i earned all of them with just how much He was upset and pissed and worried about me. This mistake will never happen again after last night. But i am receiving 300 spankings---100 from the belt, 100 from the brush, and 100 from His hand and maybe the paint stirrer. I know for sure that my butt will be raw and i wont be able to sit for a few days. All of these will be given in 3 different positions too----bent over His knee, bent over grabbing my ankles, and bent over the bed. I know i will struggle with this one for sure. I hate that its going to hang over my head until it is finally dealt with when i see Him, but i deserve it. I shouldnt have been late last night and i shouldnt have made Him worry about me.
   Last night is done and over with and i know my feelings from it and i can grow and learn from it. There will be challenges in the future, but i know and hope that for sure this isnt one of them because i am learning this lesson now. I know that He still trusts me and being over here He has to place a lot of trust in me. If i were to keep doing something like this(not that i would) it would break His trust and leave Him wondering about things. That's why im doing everything in my power now to let Him know that He can trust me and to keep Him in the loop with what is going on. Yesterday He had no way to contact me and had no way to know what was going on with me or anything. That scared Him because with His career field, it means worst case scenario i was in an accident or hurt or something. I hate that i caused Him to think that. :( My new goal is to never make that thought happen again.
   I have moved on and learned from it and hopefully will be a better submissive for it. My Master still loves me, just as i still love Him. This is just one rock in the path we're walking and He is dealing with it. Dealing with it may not be right away for all of it, but i know that when the time comes it will be dealt with just as if time hadnt passed by since the incident. So my new goal is to stay out of trouble and always make sure i have a charged phone either on me or the person who is riding with me. That way i always have a way to communicate with Him. He has always done that for me, so it is only fair that i return the favor for Him.

I dont even know what to say

    Wow, there is no way to describe this feeling i have right now. It is the worst feeling in the world and i wouldnt wish it on anyone. Tonight has been just a bad night somewhat all around. i hate how everything happened and the thing i hate the worst is that i caused Master to worry about me a lot. He was extremely worried and pissed at me when i finally made it back home.
    So to tell where the adventure started and how that happened i have to say that i got a car today. i am so excited because it was what me and Master had been looking for and was within my price range and budget. The weird thing is that the dealer let me drive it off the lot and the payment and financing options are still being worked on as we speak. im guessing this is because of the fact that i am military and they know where im going to be...its not like i can just drive off with the car.
   Anyways, i got the car and was driving it around with the guys that came with me. All of them wanted to check out walmart/gamestop(both in same shopping area) and then food at the riverwalk. i should have known this was a bad idea from the beginning taking 2 vehicles to downtown. It will NEVER happen again because in all honesty i will be riding with someone that knows where they are going or has a GPS on their phone. i am so directionally challenged and it showed tonight for sure. But we made it to the first stops no problem, but when we got to downtown we got separated. The two guys in the truck branched off at some point and we couldnt find them or get in touch with them. my phone was dead as well as the phone of my friend that was with me. The two of us walked down the riverfront looking for them because that was where all four of us were headed. me and my friend didnt find them so the decision was made to grab food and just head back. There was no need to stay longer then needed, but food was an important thing at the time.
   After finishing dinner, me and my friend headed back to my car. Leaving the riverwalk, we headed to back to base. It was pure crazy...i thought i knew where we were going and my friend did too because we both had paid attention to the drive when taxi cabs or other transportation was used to downtown. i got lost and ended up taking the next exit up from the road we needed off 410. i had to turn around after that and went the wrong way on the other side of that road so i had to turn around again. i felt so horrible and directionally challenged. At this point i knew Master was probably starting to get worried because it had been a few hours since i had been able to contact Him. i was desperate to get back fast so that i could call or text Him to let Him know i was fine. i made mistakes that i shouldnt have made and went the wrong direction trying to get to the road off 410 so i had to turn around a third time. On the fourth time, i finally made it to the road and got to driving down it and things didnt look right. I turned down headed away from the base, but realized shortly after i had been headed in the right direction the whole time.
     After what felt like forever, i finally made it back to base and back to my room. The worst feeling in the world was about to happen and it had already begun happening as i continued to get turned around the wrong way. i was ready to pull over and just call Him to let Him know i was okay and then call the instructor on duty to ask for directions, when i saw signs showing us where we were close to base. But the worst part was when i got back and was able to plug my phone in to charge it. Seeing those messages from Him trying to check and make sure i was okay and i couldnt answer the hurt knowing He was so worried. i honestly feel so worthless and just deflated because i caused Master to worry so much over me. The worrying for Him is worse because i am over here in a large city and He cant do anything about what happens to me, aside from trusting me and who im with.
     Tonight was a huge snafu on my part from not having a phone charged(it charged all night but for some reason died super fast today) and also not having someone with a charged phone/GPS in the car with me. i hate that this whole thing happened tonight because it is my fault. i should have been smarter and realized that there was no way/need to go to the downtown area for food especially with two dead phones. im not forking out extra money for a car charger when i have one at home. i can suck it up and just make sure my phone is always charged fully before going anywhere..if not im not going to allow myself to leave because i dont want the situation of Him not being able to get ahold of me to happen again.
    i feel so guilty that He was up and worrying for hours tonight. He hadnt heard from me for 5 hours...if i was in His shoes, i know i would be worried sick. my stomach is doing flips and churning from the guilt and just hatred at myself because i disappointed Him and had Him worried about me for so long. with Him being in a field that deals with people everyday in life altering situations, i know that was probably one of the most forefront thoughts in His hand. He wanted to make sure i was okay. i feel ashamed that i let it happen and i let Him down because He trusted me to always have a way for Him to get in touch with me. i should have had my phone fully charged and not had it die on me. No matter what i know this will NEVER EVER happen again.
    My stomach is churning right now and i am tossing and turning already and ive barely laid down. Speaking on the phone with Him after receiving those messages, i was curled up into a ball. i couldnt think of anything other then bawling my eyes out and praying that He would be forgiving and not hate me. i talked with Him and everytime i cringed as He asked me if i knew how worried He was and that He was so pissed and worried because He hadnt heard from me for five hours. i cringe because i hate myself for going that long without calling Him or even trying to send Him a text somehow to let Him know i was still okay.
   He has decided that tomorrow i wont be allowed to go off base unless it is with my team or my instructors or doing something for my job. i honestly completely understand and i also wonder if He will be adding more. i am not complaining about the not being able to go off base because i deserve it. i lost my ability to go off base after tonight with all the worry i caused Him. i honestly feel that i should have to earn that right back(aside from the trip i will have to make to the dealer to sign the other documents and all)...i should have to earn the privilage to go off base and enjoy the riverwalk or other things and be responsible and have a charged phone and let Him know that im okay. i think i may even suggest that i am grounded from using my car except for essential trips around base to take care of things for the team or to grab groceries if i need any. i also think maybe i should have some numbers added to my spanking tally because im sure if i had been home tonight i would have received one and then we would have talked. i do feel i deserve a spanking to remember for this incident, but im not sure if Master agrees or not...
    i cant think of a worse way to end the day. i guess its a good thing that it is the end of the day and that i am fixing to head to bed. i only hope and pray that He will have mercy on me. i love Him so much, but i hate when i disappoint Him or cause Him to be worried like i did tonight. Whatever punishment comes from it or whatever really comes out of this, i understand and will bear it because i deserve it all. i was the one who was bad tonight in all aspects and have to face the consequences for my actions. i guess for now all i can do is go to sleep and start tomorrow as a brand new day.
     Master, i love You so much and i hope You know that. i didnt mean to be late tonight at all and if i had the chance to redo it all again i would. i would give anything to take back those 5 hours that You spent worrying about me. i promise that it wont happen again and i will do whatever i have to do to make sure that it doesnt and for You to trust me to go out like that again. i feel so horrible and crummy that i let something like this happen. i should know better and i should have done better, but i didnt. i messed up and im sorry. i hope You can forgive Your lil one and that ill still be Your lil one. All i know to say is i'm sorry Master....i really, really, really, am sorry that i caused You all this worry and frustration and everything else. Your lil one comes to You and kneels at Your feet, begging forgiveness.

Friday, October 15, 2010

What a day...

   Wow, today has been both amazing and just downright what the heck too. I have to be glad though that i have my Master in my thoughts and have already discussed a lot of this with Him. He knows my situation and knows about how i am trying to battle things that are against me here within my reasons.
   This morning started off with a door slam to the face and all for a simple "did you check our backpack" when a roomie couldnt find a lost id card. It's weird how things go from bad to worse, but it has been taken care of now. I talked with one of my ropes and explained the situation and asked what to do--whether to talk to them or if the situation was beyond my control now. After explaining it, she decided it was time to move. I grabbed my stuff and officially moved out of my room this afternoon.
    All of that this morning brought on a new discussion with my instructor. Come to find out what the team was doing to me, more the females then anything was hazing. I didnt realize it, but he viewed it as hazing when the problem was brought up to him after he had to be addressed because i was moving rooms. Its crazy how a few things can be hazing, although in my eyes i didnt see it like that. I just figured they were being more cruel and mean then they needed to be and i think Master just thought of them as being complete witches. Pure craziness and is probably why i dont get along with most females.
   The other good thing that happened today was i found out that a car im looking into is still available. Im so excited and cant wait to go check it out. Who knows, it might be mine either this weekend or the next depending on how things go. Im going to be really hopeful though.
   So today has been long and an early start, but i know this weekend will be better. I have an awesome new roomie and a new start to this part of things. Also im almost done with my training so thats even better. I cant wait to finally come home to Master everyday and wear His collar and ring and be His submissive wife. I love Him so much :D Sorry this is so short, but nothing really happened today...

Thursday, October 14, 2010

A Harsh Lesson in Life is Sometimes Hard to Swallow

   Today it seems has dealt me a usual lesson in life and how to handle things. This morning was just the start to it to say the least. Before i start on that though, i have to admit something. Master is well aware of this and i think this is why He is so protective of me(aside from being protective of what's His as it is) is that i am the type of person that always wears my heart on my sleeve. It seems that this gets me into a lot of trouble and backed into a corner a lot of the times. I have honestly taken to heart what my Master told me about always being on my side of the fight no matter what. For the longest time in my life, i have always had to fight tooth and nail for everything i have had and against everyone with nobody on my side. For the first time in my life, i finally have someone who is wholely there to say that they have my back and no matter will always be by my side. My parents swore that, but it wasnt before long that they didnt agree with some choices made that they turned sides on me....kind of goes with how our relationship is, but that's a whole different discussion right there. He is the only person who has stuck by me and said "yeah i may not agree with your choices, but ill still back you up if it goes wrong". I love Him not just for that, but i love knowing that He is always there.
    So anyways, back to me wearing my heart on my sleeve and getting backed into corners. It happened this morning after we got back from our morning pt session. Which was excellent by the way. First time in a while that i have ever run the full distance and not thought of pain or anything. I was focused on everyone joking and doing jodies around me, which distracted me from the running. But and one of my roomies can run because we arent on any kind of waiver or anything. The other roomie cant run  because of something with her heart messed up a few weeks ago and the doctor's put her on a no pt waiver. We got done with the run and headed back to the dorms. I got up to the room and my other roomie wasnt too far behind. She came in and turned the ac off saying "im cold and its freezing in here" after i asked her what she was doing. "Thats because you were standing outside in the cold while we all ran" is what i told her because i was hot as could be and turning off the air would make it worse. She gave me a reply back of how "im so tired of your bitching and complaining. It's always freezing in here because you keep setting the air to 60." To make a long story short, it went back and forth a couple more times, but i pretty much got told that i wasnt messing with the thermostat anymore.
   After this argument, well more me being told what i was goign to do with the thermostat, i had no clue what to do and didnt want to be too dramatic with it, but also didnt want to just pretend to sit there and take it. I called Master because He is the only person to calm me down, point me in the right direction, and also just offer advice. He knows there are times where i know what to do and times where i will have no clue and need a little more guidance. This morning He knew that i knew what to do and just provided me guidance telling me to do what i thought was best. I love that He knows when to prod me a little more with guidance and when to let me spread my wings a little bit and fly. Not to say that i'm always hiding under His wing, but He really does take care of me as His lil one in that aspect.
    So the day passed by normally for the rest of the day. It was full of the usual running here there and everywhere. We always run everywhere, which is why i think that i have such a high metabolism. I can eat anything i want really and eat as much as i want. Like yesterday and today for lunch i have eaten a full meal, a full bowl of peaches, cake, and another desert as well. Today i went a little lighter with grapes, full bowl of peaches, german chocolate cake, chicken, rice, eggroll, and green beans. I have never eaten so much or never been so hungry. It's crazy how i have such a high metabolism here, but He loves it. He doesnt care, but i think it's crazy how His lil one really is so little. Right now i keep losing more weight. Before long, i will be His really little lil one, lol. I love it though because it means im easier for Him to handle and pick up(although downside is if He were to pick me up and throw me over His shoulder because i weigh like nothing for Him).
     Anyways, we got to do vehicle searches and learn about how to direct traffic. I can honestly say that i hope i wont be doing the directing traffic because it takes multitasking to a whole new extreme. That right there takes talent because it is multitasking with a danger risk involved. I couldnt believe how crazy it was and i was only dealing with a 4 way intersection moving one lane at a time. I had a big rig coming at me and wasnt sure what to do. Thankfully the instructor was behind me telling me what to do and to go ahead and let the big rig just roll through. I made it through it though and none of us caused any accidents or got jerked out of the way.
    After that we sat around and did nothing and waited for what was like 2 hours for our MTL to come out and talk to us. During this time, our other instructor was just killing time. He kept checking our hair and everything else. To be honest, a good bit of us were frustrated that he was saying our hair looked like crap because we had been taking our hats off and on all day. Your hair would like that too if you had some to take a hat off and on. Besides that we cant use excessive gel in our hair to secure according to our rulebook. So, if He wants me to put more then what i already am, then im not following my rules and i could get in trouble. Lol, gotta love loopholes to that little law.
    Tomorrow should be another interesting day. We are learning how to talk on the should be fun. Hopefully its early even though we have shield, but then we will be dismissed cause there are people going to the movies. :D Hopefully then i can have my shells and cheese. Im craving it so bad right now, but its the usual time of the month random cravings. But who knows what tomorrow brings, i dont know with the ever changing schedule. Hopefully no girl drama, but i know if it happens that i am through backing down. I will stand my ground and i will make Him proud because i wont care what they think of me if i do because i am standing up for myself. So here's to tomorrow, may it be better then today and that ill get some sleep.