Sunday, October 31, 2010

"I need to hear you say i love you, and ive loved you all along and i forgive you for being far away for far too long"

   Wanting...that's what i feel so badly right now. i find myself checking my phone more often then usual waiting for that text from Him. i hate these days where i get to missing Him so much that it hurts. This week will be our 7 month anniversary and i hate being away from Him for it. I find myself thinking about Him so much and the many different changes He has created in me over the months that we have been together. These changes havent come from just me, but He has prodded me to be better and to work harder then i would normally push myself.
   A couple days ago it was the official 4 month mark that i have been away from Him. It sucks so horrible being away from someone you love so much. My focus is supposed to be on my duty and mission here, but i find Him slipping in at the odd moments throughout the day or by listening to the songs that play in the chow hall. It's pretty hard to block out someone that is so much a part of your heart, soul, thoughts and mind in every waking moment. My day is spent thinking about how i can prove to Him that im His and just make Him proud by doing my best here. i long and love to hear Him tell me that He is proud of me for everything i do. His approval means so much to me, more then anyone else's in the world because He is the only person that i truly have to please(yes i have to please Uncle Sam but not like i have to please Him).
   My thoughts are of Him today and how much i miss Him. My heart aches and longs to be with Him and next to Him. i have been far away from Him for way too long(much like the song "Far Away"). I will always remember the part of the song "Far Away" because it is so true for us----
"Too long, too late, who was i to make you wait?
Just one chance, just one breath, just in case theres just one left,
Cause you know, you know, you know
I love you, i loved you all along
but i miss you, been far away for far too long
i keep dreaming youll be with me and youll never go
Stop breathing if i dont see you anymore"
Master is my whole heart and soul and being away from Him has hurt me so much. Yes i know it is my job, but i feel that it is taking a toll on me and Him. It may just be a worry or a nagging fear on my part, but a part of me is afraid that my having to perform my job here and things they tell me here are interfering too much with the two of us. My greatest fear right now is to lose Him and go back to being under His consideration. There have been threats a couple times and i pray that it will never come true.
   The other night Master made a comment that has me thinking. He commented about how He cant wait for me to get back home so He can tighten the reins. i hate that He has to feel this way because being here there is not much that He can do with me being a thousand miles away from Him. The most He can really do until i get home(and these affect me just as bad, maybe not as bad as the spankings he'd give) is ground me from facebook, ground me from going off base on the weekends, and ground me from driving my car(this is definitely a killer right now since im still on a high about having my own car finally---more about that in another blog). i hate that He cant do anything like He wants to because of these miles keeping us so far apart. i have never felt more alone from not being with Him.
   Daily i struggle with my heart and how much i miss Him, but i put it aside to make it through the day because everyday i make it through here is one day closer to me being home with Him. i know this is just a constant repeating probably, because He says i do that a lot, but i have to get this out. My heart is hurting right now and i dont know how to tell Him. i mean i have told Him that i miss Him before, but it seems that today is so bad. i know He cant do anything about it, but just knowing that He is there for me helps to ease these feelings and make it better.
   i only hope that when Master reads this, He doesnt see me as freaking out or anything. i just feel overwhelmed today and am worried about leaving for the hardest part of my training coming up. Everyone says that it isnt that hard, but a lot of fun. im just worried because my team doesnt really know how to behave and i dont want it to turn into us having our weekends taken away. Although usually if our weekends are threatened, they know to shut up and usually do. Maybe they will take on this attitude there, but the part that im worried about is my pt. They say that it is fast paced and that anyone that falls out of the run is automatically sent to xray. i know that to a point this isnt true, but i am just worried that i will fail. My pt isnt the greatest and i hate that it isnt, but i am working at trying to fix it. i guess my biggest worry is failing here or being washed back here. This is the make or break point because we are so close to graduation.
   Sorry for all this, but it is what i feel in my heart. At this moment i am terribly homesick and missing Master. Reading a slave's blog and hearing her talk about her master, makes me miss Him even more. Her master is the same as mine and reacts the same way that He would. I have read the blog and its crazy because i see myelf in her too. i guess that is all i have for now. im going to throw myself into what i have to get done here and hope that i hear from Him soon. i know He is at work, but i worry sometimes when i dont hear from Him at times. Oh well, i better get used to it because my job here soon will be as dangerous as His is.
   Oh, before i forget i also forgot to mention that i realized that i need to work on something. i think i may have upset Him this morning after i told Him that i had a rough night. My rough night was basically i had an extremely bad headache, the kind where your head feels like its about to split open and any bright light or sounds make it hurt worse. i didnt call Him because it hurt so bad, but at the same time i should have because He would have been able to make me feel better. Telling Him about my night, He seemed upset that i didnt call Him. Reading in the other girls blog and she talks about how certain things she couldnt tell her Master because she had gotten so used to it, makes me wonder if that is the case for me here. i am so used to nobody really caring or calling me a hypochondriac when i am hurt or have an extremely bad headache that i keep it to myself. There has only been one time that i called Him in the middle of the night and that was when i woke up with the most horrible nosebleed ever and i was truly panicking. Anyways, my defense mechanism is to just ignore it and try not to call if i dont have to. This is partially because i dont want to wake Him up and partially because i am afraid that whats wrong is small and that ill be made to feel stupid because im making a big deal out of nothing. i know this isnt the case with Him, but it is always a thought in the back of my mind from the past. Well not always, but most of the time. i am still trying to work on that because with Him i give Him everything. He knows everything about me and will continue to know everything, but its just some things i cant tell Him just as easily. i hope that this gets better in the future because im trying, i really am trying to be able to call Him in the middle of the night when i dont feel good or just cant sleep instead of sucking it up myself.
   Please Master forgive me because being here is hard being away from You. Its hard being away from You and then trying to complete my training that sometimes defies what You have taught me. im working on my communication, but sometimes it isnt the greatest. Please dont give up on me because i dont know what id do if i lost You. Its already bad enough that im having to play in a man's world here, itd be even worse if i had to do alone without You by my side. So please know that im trying....i really am and i hope You see that i am. I love You so much and cant wait to be back by your side in a short month and a few weeks time. im counting down those days everyday.

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