Friday, October 8, 2010

Sometimes life can be a pain, sort of like today

   So before i even get into the details of why i'm really writing this blog...i have to mention about today. It was so much fun, but i never realized that i picked the career field that was full of kink. For those that love getting their hair pulled, today was one of your days. I had my hair pulled by another female showing my partner how to really grab hair and shake someone around. Made me wonder if she was domme or not by the way she grabbed my hair. I understand that she had to demonstrate for my partner, but even then it wasnt necessary to grab and hold it for as long as she did...lol. I cant admit that i didnt mind although i do know that she almost brought me to my knees with how hard she had it gripped.
   Anyways....we got to practice take down holds and stuff today and it was pretty fun. Wrestling around with other females and throwing each other on the ground. It was hilarious because some of us were cracking the instructors up with how we were doing things and just how things were going. He couldnt stop laughing after hearing one of my friends laugh because when she laughs...she no lie sounds like a dolphin. It's funny and every instructor that has heard it cant keep a straight face. They dont even think its her real laugh, but it honestly is. I'm just glad that they havent heard my baby seal yet. It's hilarious and keeps people cracking up...although i hate it personally.
   So today was a fun day despite people telling our ropes to "f you" and other things. I wouldnt change it for all the money in the world other then one part...a class that we had at the end of today that left me a little worn and needing to work out some things. I never knew that it would be so difficult dealing with some of the images and videos that we saw today. Hearing other people talk about it triggered memories and emotions that i thought i had left behind in the past. Anyways....Master knows about all of it now and i feel bad about not being able to tell Him part of it sooner, but for some reason i just couldnt tell anyone...I was embarrassed and just scared and shocked and just i didnt know what to do. So here goes...from this point on..venture at your own risk. Some details may be graphic---i just dont know. From here on out will be venting and telling my story....

   So the best place to start is with the type of class we had today. Today was our briefing about Sexual Assault Prevention Organization or SAPO as it is called. I dreaded that today because i knew i would have some sort of reaction to it. It is the first time that i have really dealt with in class my personal experience. The videos today were on acquaintance rape and my assault was such a case. The similarities in the stories the girls told in the first part about being in college and someone they trusted attacked them in their own room and in their own bed. Hearing this and seeing them talk about it and realized i wasnt the only one with thhat experience brought back flashbacks.
   This part wasnt so bad because in all honesty, i had dealt with this assault before. I knew the reactions and i havent told anyone other then Master that i went to see a counselor for a few sessions and was diagnosed with PTSD. Although the counselor more  put it on i had it because i was putting the issue with my assault with the changes my dad was making.
   Okay to touch on that issue real fast. My whole family situation is a little weird and i guess is part of the reason why i have such issues still with my assault. As the counselor put it, i was equating my assault to someone i know changing to someone i didnt even know anymore. My father is no longer my father. He is in the process of changing into a woman because he believes himself to be a woman and is just trapped in a man's body. He is not transgender or any of those type terms. He is still considered to be my father because before the change he has always been the man in my life. But the one thing i dont know how to deal with is how do i handle talking to people about him not that it matters. But my important events like my wedding, who do i have walk me down the aisle? When i get married like if its the official one(because i wonder if we might just do a civil ceremony first then save for a nice wedding) what will people say when they watch a female walk me down the aisle and i say its my father?? It would make no sense...i just feel lost with that because ive lost the man i knew as my father. He may have changed his gender and be the same person but hes not my father.
   Anyways, thats the background on my father. But the counselor i saw thought that me losing my father correlated with the guy who assaulted me being someone i knew and then suddenly became someone i didnt know at all anymore. I mean how could he do it?? I was in my own bed and in my own room in college. I had just sprained my knee (another reason why im careful with my knee and refuse to let others see me weak with it) and was taking some pain medication and had a brace on. My medication made me sleepy and he was on the strong leg side. I was being nice and had offered him a place to sleep and it bit me in the butt...before i knew it, his hands were reaching and grabbing where they shouldnt have been. I was one of the type of victims that just freezes. I couldnt say anything and didnt say anything. My mind was still groggy because i was half asleep at the time and i had taken my medication probably half an hour before then. He was on my strong side...I felt trapped because my only way off the bed was off the side where my bad knee was or climb off and i couldnt even get up to climb down. All i could do was lay there and take it and try to push him off. After a couple seconds, i was finally able to push his hand away, but that didnt stop him. It took the guy about four to five more times to push him away and then he just got up and walked away.
   This left me confused and i didnt say anything to anyone because i was afraid of what they would think of me. How could i put myself in this type of situation? There was no way i could have trusted him to offer him a place to take a nap or just to be nice. I didnt think anything of it because we had hung out numerous occasions before with nothing bad happening. I couldnt believe that it had happened. When i finally reported it, i was made out to be the bad person and it was he said against she said. The big thing that happened during the stuff was that they made it out to be that i was the bad person because i took medication and didnt tell him. I didnt tell him or let him see me take the medication. This just made me really hesitant and question why i even reported it because i was made to be the one to blame even though they said nobody was to blame in that case.
    Well the other thing was i left that alone and continued on with my life. Hoping that things would just go away...but it didnt. I had another incident almost similar to the one above. I couldnt believe i had put myself into that situation again and the only thing that saved me out of this one was that i had to fake call a friend to pretend that my roomie was locked out of the apartment and my key was the only one there. I couldnt believe it was happening again. I made sure to take all the safety precautions, meeting in public, lots of people around and everything. I just was shocked.....i couldnt believe this would happen again. I put myself into such a bad situation. I vowed that no matter what, i wouldnt put myself in that situation. I never told anyone about this second assault because i was afraid nobody would believe me. Oh it happened to her once before and she just made it up and didnt tell him she was on medication. No, i didnt want to have to deal with again so i just pushed it down inside. This was kind of a bad choice on my part---okay not kinda but definitely was a bad choice on my part.
   Anyways, today those memories from both came flooding back and haunting me. Not knowing what to do or how to even begin to start healing from the memories that had flooded back today. I felt horrible but knew He could calm me down from the emotions from the first one, but He didnt even know about the second. I felt horrible that i hadnt been able to tell Him until now. I know that He is always supportive of me and will always not blame me for the assault and all. He had already told me that when i told Him about the first assault. I just was shocked and ashamed and just couldnt believe i had put myself into that situation. I didnt want my MAster to think of me as someone who didnt think of her surroundings before she went into things, because with my second one i truly did think it out. I guess something happened that changed the factors just a little bit. I love Him with all my heart and am so disappointed in myself that i couldnt bring myself to tell Him about the second assault. He is my Master and supports me no matter what. I should have been able to realize then and there(and i did know i just cant explain why i didnt tell Him) that i can tell Him anything and He doesnt judge me.
   I'm sorry Master for those things in my past that may come up and haunt me from time to time. I know that You are always there for me to calm me down. You quiet my fears and are my protector at night. Just like that one morning that i fought you in my sleep and all it took was to pull me close to Your chest and i quit fighting. For some reason the hardest part of being hear and having to deal with the assault is not being able to have You here to hug me and hold me close and dry my tears. I miss You holding me and just telling me that everything will be alright. I know from a distance that You are doing the best You can. The two of us entered into this life together, or more relationship, knowing that i was going to be military. You have fully supported it and i am so glad You do. You are the only man and Master that has ever made me truly happy. I love you wiht all my heart and soul and i cant wait to make our house into our home.  I know i will have my battles with emotions with these two traumas, but knowing You are there makes it that much easier to deal with. Thank you Sir for not judging me on what happened in my past but loving me for who i am now.

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