Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Here Without You - American Soldier Dedication

Stuck on the military videos for some reason but these make me feel so much like im putting into words just how much i miss Master. im here without Him and im trying so hard, but He is honestly always on my mind no matter waht im doing. i love Him so much and couldnt imagine my life without Him. I love You Master :D

American Soldier- Toby Keith (tribute)

I may not be a parent yet, but i am an American soldier. I work hard and am proud to serve this country like i do. It may not always be easy being submissive and serving in the military, but me and Master make it work. This song makes me proud and everytime i hear it, i blast it on the radio. Master i hope that i make You proud as Your lil soldier.

Honey im Almost Home and im Craving Your Touch

   So reading another blog, i find myself imagining the same thoughts and feelings and emotions and actually craving this too. From the get go, Master was very knowledgable about my rebellious side and even saw it a couple times before i left to come here. It's crazy to realize that i am as rebellious as i get at times, but it has come in my nature. I spent a good part of my llife fighting for every little thing that i had, even from birth(i decided to come 2 months early..thankfully didnt end up on any life support but i had to fight to gain weight and grow normally like all the other babies born). He knows that sometimes when i get in my feisty mood that it is my rebellious nature rearing it's ugly head.
   In all honesty, i think my rebellious side was curbed while i was here more out of fear of doing something wrong and being kicked out of the military. This is reinforced when everything you hear is a threat to either be discharged or washed back because of something so innocent as a strained knee. Yes, i understand the military is as high paced and you have to keep up, but sometimes these little things arent anything to affect training like they make it out to. Anyways, i think this side has been curbed until now because i find myself becoming more and more rebellious of things here, but i check it knowing that Master wouldnt be pleased if i took it too far.
   My rebellious nature has never been fully played with until i met Master. I once joked with Him about playing hide and seek on Him, to which His reply was that it wouldnt be good if He found me but the intrigue of the game was too much for me. It also turned into a game of catch me if you can, but i have realized something after reading this blog and looking back on those couple incidents. I like it when Master overpowers me like only He can. There are ways that He does that leave me weak in the knees and begging for more. His hands around my throat, letting me know that im His or just wrapping me up in His big arms after catching me when i playfully run from Him. All of these feel so amazing....but i think the submissive i read this on said it best (i claim no ownership to this quote but felt it expressed my feelings)

          "the wrestling occurred with us completely dressed. And yet it was SUCH a turn on. He had me
         pinned and I was fighting with everything I had to get him off of me. There were a couple times 
        I felt like I even moved him a little. But the kicker of this was he was over me, holding me down, 
       and just laughing the whole time. This was like throwing gasoline onto my fire! I wanted so badly
      to throw him off of me, to make him stop laughing so amusedly at me. And this only made him
      laugh more and hold me down harder. Seeing the pure enjoyment on his face and trying SO hard
      to unpin myself from the bed really brought out the fighter in me. I struggled so hard! I never did
     get unpinned. Although, I will say he thought I was pretty strong (for a girl).  
        But this battle, this struggle, even though he was laughing and I was fighting with all my might   
     and not really moving him much, only ended up turning me on more! I felt like he was so strong,
     so powerful and so sadistic!"
    This is the most amazing description ever of how i feel when Master takes me in His arms after chasing me down. I dont know why but my body seems to desire and loves playing the catch me game every now and then. Although i have to say that Master is very good at playing some times and others He's not the slightest bit amused with it. He seems to tell when im in these moods because somehow there is a twinkle in my eye and He can tell im up to no good. I wonder if this is the same expression that little kids get when you can tell they are about to go and get themselves into some kind of trouble.
   Anyways, i could go on for days about that feeling and how Master knows but im sure that many could guess how He knows.....because He is my Master and knows everything about me and how i work. That's why. But when He tackles me back onto the bed and pins me, im sure that He can see in every fiber of my being that i love but hate being pinned at the same time. Watching Him grin at me and knowing that evil smile drives me even more to try and get lose of His grip. I wasnt lucky enough last time to get out of His grip, but everytime i know that i will try to get out. I guess its just the fighter in me coming out, but when He holds me down and shows me that im going no where and He is the one in control, makes me feel even more turned on and tends to get me wetter and wetter. I crave that right now so badly. I crave being dominated and shown who is the Master and who is in charge. It's not that i dont know, so dont get me wrong i definitely know my place and where i stand but sometimes i like it to be reaffirmed.
   The other constantly floating thought in my consciousness when it comes to Master is the need that i feel growing inside of me. I honestly never thought that i would feel so at home in the world of BDSM or that i would find such a loving and caring Master. He is truly amazing and knows how to push  me and pull me and just take me to the brink everytime. There is that craving to submit to Him so strongly right now. Being miles and miles away from Him, it seems so hard for me to submit to Him the way i want to. I find myself struggling with being able to talk to Him while also fulfilling my other duties that im supposed to do as well as take care of everything here. There are numerous times that i wasnt the good lil one that i was supposed to be. Of course ill be punished for that when i get home(most of it being my mouth which i know is wrong and not lady like at all but when you're around it 24/7 and try to fight it, it will still eventually get you). I crave just Him and His touch and just need to submit. This is all said beautifully on the same blog that i quoted earlier and again all credit goes to her.
 "I need to be used as his sex toy. I need him to use my body so rough. To grab my face and slap it, then slap it again with his cock. I need my mouth choked with his hard cock, as he rams it down my throat. I need his hands around my throat, grabbing me tightly while he fucks me. I need to feel his burning smacks on my ass, as he's spanking me over and over. I need to be on all fours in front of him on the bed, while he stands next to it, shoving his cock in and out of my mouth. Then I need him on top of me again, shoving his cock so hard, deep in my pussy, then fucking my mouth again, letting me taste my cum on his cock. I need to hear the desire in his voice as he says “good girl” as I cum and cum and cum, all over his hand and his cock. I need to feel the urgency in his body, as he's fucking my mouth, as I struggle to take him all and suck and stroke him, while he's slamming it so hard in and out of my mouth. I need to hear him laugh under his breath, as he's fucking my mouth so hard, hearing me gag and then going right back to sucking and taking all of his cock. I need to feel his orgasm, feel his body shudder, his cock shooting his hot cum past my mouth, straight down my throat. I need to suck his cock dry, keeping it in my mouth and gently tonguing and sucking it until he removes it from me."
   It's crazy that i find other submissives writing about feelings that i cant quite figure out how to express. I just wish i knew how to express them in words just as well as they do because they seem to place them out there so well and to me i feel like im not getting it right at all. These words describe all the need for Him and His cock and the cravings i find myself facing everyday. Much like today, i found myself at the randomest moment getting wet for Master just thinking about Him in the middle of class. Yes, i should have been paying attention, but sometimes my need for Master overwhelms my need to pay attention. This is something i will probably learn to fix, but for now i channel these feelings and try to focus on other things so as not to seem too needy. I know Master is struggling just as much as His lil one is with being so far away and not really being able to do anything about it. My one happy thought is only a few more days and then im out of here and home for about 4-5 days and then to Master's loving arms and collar and ring and just so much else. I love Him so much and cant wait to finally be able to truly say "Honey im home".

A Soldiers Prayer

I know that Master thinks of me often while im away. This is my prayer...i may not be away fighting in Afghanistan or Iraq, but im still facing some of the same battles that these soldiers are facing. I pray that there is peace and i will always fight for my brothers and sisters in arms.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Innocent thoughts?

   Always on edge, waiting for that last minute call or text leaves me wanting more. Whispers in the wind make me think of Him and wish that He was here with me, but life moves on each and every day. Thoughts fleeting through my head are always connected to Him. He is the answer to my prayers and has been there for me since the moment we met. From the very beginning our hearts were intertwined before we even knew.

   Being far away from Him has been the toughest choice for me to make. Knowing every minute that I spent with Him before I left was precious. He has never once complained about me being so far away and has fully embraced it with a passion. Breathe in, breath out is a constant reminder to myself. My thoughts focus on Him and the world suddenly makes itself right. He is my safety and reality check when the world is crashing down around me. My heart aches and longs for those strong arms to surround me again with that love and security that I knew all too well. He is an amazing man and is an amazing Master on top of that. I never would have in a million years guessed id find a man as amazing as Him.
   These past weeks have been so crazy hectic and chaotic that i cant believe He has even put up with me and everything that i did. Looking back on my old posts and seeing the chaos and havoc that has been left here, its a wonder that my butt isnt going to be any darker then what its already going to be. I have put others before Him, although not on purpose, i still did it. I also got way in over my head with my spending habits and probably caused Him to get a little frustrated with me about going out. Although in my defense if you ate the same food over and over again over a period of six months you would want to occasionally go out and get normal food. :) (i have a feeling that Master will disagree with that one there that it was more then occasionally but thats how i see it). Of course, that problem will be solved when i get home because Master has informed me that my bank card will be taken from me when i get there until i report to my first base....so sad and harsh (insert pouty face here).
   The wake of disaster that i left in my path is embarassing, but i honestly think that i have grown from it. I have learned that i really do need to be a stronger person and can be even without Master telling me what to do. When i first met Him i talked to Him about how i had a mind of my own and could hold my own, but looking back i felt that my decisions before didnt show this very well. I let everyone else control me and push me around. There is no more of that....no more ms. nice lil one. HEHEHEHEHEHEHE....i swear Master has created an evil monster in me that is bound to be unleashed here soon ;)
   I have officially decided that i am going to do my hardest(and yes i know that i keep saying this but it is a goal that i have to strive to be closer to perfect for Him) to make sure that i am not running myself ragged dropping everything for friends, but wondering when i will have time to talk to Him. That ends here and now. There will be time for us to talk and time for us to get together and just be Master and submissive.
   So back to how much i miss Him and love Him. I was getting dressed this morning and putting on those evil garter straps(i wonder if it was a man who came up with that idea??) and i thought of Him and how he'd be thinking it was sexy. I was bending over and attaching them to my socks, when i felt like He was going to come up behind me at any minute and play with my butt and just playfully smack me and pull me up to kiss Him. Goodness how i miss His touch and just the feel of His skin touching mine. The feel of His fingers that are so skilled at knowing what buttons to push and just when to push them that leaves my body wanting more and raging fire burning in me. I honestly never would have thought id like being called a slut, but to be called a slut(the kind He likes) is an amazing feeling. It's humiliating but wonderful all in the same breathtaking moment.
   Anyways...i guess i claim innocence for a lot of the trouble that i have gotten into. My mouth it seems is itching to start running again, but the last lesson for my mouth is still painful in my memory. Besides i think my 300 count for the night of worry i caused Him added onto whatever i already have for my mouth is enough. I really wouldnt like to add onto that number. I just find myself wanting to just like spout off, but i also catch  myself when its on the tip of my tongue. Ugh, thank goodness there is only a few more days here and then i am back to my real self. Thankfully i am checking out of this place and headed home in 9 days. Thats not including 3 nights where i dont have to do anything really :). Oh goodness i long for the day i can run and jump into His arms...until then i get to relive it in my dreams. I wonder if i will remember those strong arms the same after i feel them again??

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Why is Being a Woman So Hard Sometimes??

   Today finds me wondering what it would be like if i wasnt so much of a girl at times. I feel that i have found myself in trouble so many times just from having such complicated thoughts that is typical of women. Really, why do we have to make everything so complicated? Men tend to have a direct approach to everything and us women tend to run around and take twenty different roads that all lead to the same destination.
   The reason i bring this up is that most of the time, my smart comment mouth tends to get me in trouble. Since the first time Master tamed me mouth, it hasnt gotten me into trouble. The only reason i am getting spankings for my mouth is for my cussing while in basic. In my defense everyone else was doing it, so i felt led to do it. But then again that goes back to the question parents always ask their kids----if they all jumped off a bridge would you do it too? No of course not. I should have known better and i consciously did, but it slipped out. My mind couldnt focus then on following that rule for some reason. Knowing my punishment for that is coming up makes me heart beat faster and faster. I'm not looking forward to that punishment, but i know that Master will be fair in giving me what i deserve for it. I knew it was wrong and that He didnt like me cussing because it wasnt lady like.
   Anyways, another reason i hate being a female today is that i let my thoughts majorly control my actions and my words sent to Master. I only hope that He didnt mind getting those texts, but after rereading them and thinking about it, i do feel that i was being a little slut and acting needy. I kept telling Him how i needed Him and craved His cock and how i needed His cock in me to make me His again. I honestly never would say this in a million years, but this morning my naughty thoughts. I persisted when He told me that He was having the same issues as me and kept pushing to see if He would allow me to fix myself like i had the other night with the shower. To no avail, He didnt let me take care of myself and to top that off i was called a slut and i was being needy. Me needy??Wow that is far fetched and not usual, but this morning i was. I immediately apologized to Master because i am honestly in no way a slut. Not the way He was describing. Yes i would be His slut in the bedroom, but not a slut in the way i was acting this morning. Is it really that bad though that i had a few nasty thoughts of Master and His amazing cock. I really do need it and can taste it and feel it but its so far away :( I really need it and need Him making me again...sigh. I need to stop before i become a pouty little girl and get myself into trouble. I wonder if Master would punish me for being pouty about that...probably..
    My final issue today was where i was so hungry and i let my cravings get the better of me. It seems that here has spoiled me with being able to go out to the store or going out to eat whenever i wanted. I have never had that opportunity before and Master is nice enough to let me go out. He never once wanted to control the financial situation when we entered into our relationship. That was something i asked Him to do because i knew exactly how my personalilty is. The thing is i feel that i have let my shopping personality take over even though i havent spent as much as i normally would have. Yes we still have plenty of money in the bank, but i feel horrible because He has set a goal to keep a certain amount in the bank just in case and that has failed. I have spent a good bit of money out in the past month eating out. That is my major splurge, but mostly because the dining facility here gets boring and i want more. In all honesty i think the total for eating out here has probably reached about $2-300 or so. It  might be a little less, im not sure. To get exact id have to look at the bank.
   Being a girl, this past weekend i went out and got most of the rest of my Christmas shopping done. The only things that i couldnt take care of was for His grandfather and my mother. My father who is the hardest one to shop for is now taken care of. Anyways, i got it taken care of but i wanted to get the last of those done. I couldnt believe that i had found myself in this trap of wanting to shop and shop some more, but thankfully i didnt buy anything other then what i told Him about. Why is it that im cursed with wanting to shop so many different stores, but yet not being able to. i know it is all for a good reason though because Master is doing it all for my good. I feel that i should be able to get these Christmas presents out of the way. Oh well, at least i know that we can be financially secure in the fact that we have money in the bank that can cover any major expenses if anything comes up.
   These all make things so hectic and confusing but i long to just take care of things and be done with it. Christmas shopping is the only thing that i want to get done and out of the way because then it means more time to spend with my family and friends. Who knows i guess that time will be spent shopping with Him too which is always fun because we always go exploring other sections. There is a surprise to be bought which i cant wait to pick out with Him. I was going to get it before going home next weekend, but it seems that much more fun to take care of it with Him because then He can pick it out Himself. It makes it that much more fun and i think it will be a shopping trip that neither one of us will forget if it goes like i hope it does,...(insert devil smiley here)
    After a day like today, im sure that tomorrow is going to be fun. I'm going to get massacred at pt and im sure that my instructor is going to kill me for supposedly stealing something from another teammate which i didnt. Hmmmm....oh well i guess things will go better after that. Im just ready to get these last two weeks over with so that i can get back to Master and hopefully try some new things. Maybe i will get a chance to try something new with Master. We were talking about trying road head...something that ive never done before and am wanting to try so bad. I cant wait to try it....yummy delicious thought in my head to get me through dealing with maniacs tonight....Goodness another night of dealing with crazy maniacs who get on my everlasting nerve....thats a totally and completely different blog there. Who knows i might tell all the world about the idiots and wanna bes that are called a team.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Thoughtful weekend for sure....and Master's pleasure

   So this weekend has brought up a lot of feeling and sentiments that i find havent been felt in a while. Feelings of homesickness and just the longing to be home and in Master's arms again. I have so many different feelings running through me that its hard to balance them out.
   First things to start with i guess is to talk about how my Thanksgiving holiday went. Well before that i have to mention that i am finally back from the hellhold known as Camp Bullis. It has been a rough struggle and Master is the only one that truly knows everything going on. I have found myself the brunt of all the jokes and the one to pin everything on. Who knows...maybe they can see my personality or something. I dont care what it is, i just hate being the scapegoat. Well on the topic of Camp Bullis and the struggles, i must mention those. They are another reason for all the feelings that have surfaced recently.
    Camp Bullis is a mean and horrible place for me. It is a place that my body has been pushed to limits that i never honestly would have thought possible. The only reason that i made it through the whole thing was talking with Master. He honestly kept me sane the entire time. I went through being sick and dealing with crazy roomies who were two faced to my face. So my two roomies hated my guts and decided to make friends with each other and talked about my behind my back. There was a morning that i had duty and got out after pt started. Watching the flight, i saw them leave the pad and didnt see them come back.. This was later explained to my roomie who is also one of those in charge of the flight and she said that she didnt tell because it wasnt her place and she wouldnt. Hearing this, i figured things were left alone, but no they werent.
    Later in the day the girl who was in charge went and told the instructors about both me and the other roomie missing pt. Instead of taking both sides of the story into account, it was assumed that i was lying and there was no way to see the flight. The other girl didnt even take responsibility or tell the instructors she looked out as well and threw me under the bus. She was given her phase privilages back for the night,  but got in trouble later being in the wrong place and disrespecting an NCO. Anyways, i was called a liar and told the instructor couldnt call me that, but he didnt believe my story. My phase was totally taken away to where i couldnt leave base and i was in uniform the entire time. It sucked horribly and i was upset and just not happy in the least. Thankfully i had my cell phone to talk with Master and keep me sane during this. The plus side was during that weekend i made fifty dollars.
   This incident went and passed, but i didnt trust the two of them after that. Both who were supposed to be friends just threw me under the bus. Something happened and the one in charge just grew to hate me because she went and asked my instructor to move me to a new room because she couldnt live with the smell of my tennis shoes. Yes i did get an odor to them, but i had athletes foot and even went and got it taken care of at the medic because it had gotten so bed. There was no smell when she went and complained and my shoes had powder in them when they were taken off, so there was no issue but to her she had complained because she wasnt living in a perfect little room to where she could control every little thing.
   AFter that incident passed, i let things go and somewhat talked to the two of them but only when i had to. I just couldnt see myself being friends with two people who threw me under the bus any chance they got because of an issue that was a miscommunication. After that my instructor now thought of me as a liar and carrying drama on the team. I couldnt believe what was happening.. It seemed things just couldnt leave me alone. Things were said behind my back about this or that and then me and the roomie in charge went back and forth over the light. There were at least two incidents of us playing turn the lights on, turn the lights off game. She decided she wanted to go bed and that she wanted the lights off on a night that i had to finish our homework. I had to finish it otherwise our entire flight got in trouble, but she wanted to go to bed. It was always about what she wanted and when she wanted it. This is probably because she is a spoiled brat and is so used to getting what she wants all the time.
   Things died down with us until the end of the time. After the last one, somehow one of the items on my gear mysteriously went missing. It disappeared off my gear a day that we needed it. It was on my gear Friday and when i went to put my gear on Monday, it wasnt there. It seemed kind of fishy to me that something like this would happen. I told one of the ropes that day and he said that he would work on it, so i ketp asking because i am not paying for something that i didnt lose. It was on my gear and all, but now there is no way except me paying for it to replace it because of the evil roomies. I found out that the pouch that was on my gear, got taken off and put on my roomies gear. I knew it was mine becasue the rock i had picked up and used for land navigation was still in the pocket and all. I knew it was mine, so i grabbed it and took it off and put it in my gear. I didnt get a chance to let one of the ropes know i found it until the day we got in trouble for not having our water sources topped off(although mine was topped off because i was sick and i knew id drink all my water and had gotten lectured about not being hydrated enough the day before)
    The day that we got in trouble, the head rope came up to me and asked me if i knew anything about one of my roomies missing pouches (mind you these things are $15 a piece and we dont get to keep them if we replace them for being lost, and to reiterate mine is not lost it was stolen). I honestly answered him and told him the whole situation and that i had found mine on her gear and taken it off. She claimed that she had gotten it from supply, but i knew otherwise. There was nothing gotten from supply in the day that mine went missing and she couldnt find hers. Not to mention the adjustable strap was all the way out like mine was and there was a rock in there that i had used to. Im pretty positive it was mine, she was lying to cover for herself.
   Anyways, we got called over to the instructor and he basically said that he didnt care what the issue was but that i was usually involved somehow in the issues going on. After hearing that, my roomie decided to bring up something that i have no idea why. She commented that she thought i had stolen her pair of black mesh shorts that have our job on them. I know for a fact that i in no way have those shorts because the ones that i do have are being borrowed from my current roomie. Anyways, the instructor didnt even want to hear it, but basically told me that everything leads back to me and now i look like a thief to him. He didnt even want to hear my side, but took her side because he has issues with me from before.
   I feel so hurt because here i feel that i have nobody to turn to. There is no instructor on my team that i can talk to because now i have no credibility with them. ANything i had before was gone because i now look like a theif and a liar. I'm wondering what my instructor is going to say when he talks to us monday after training. i'm not looking forward to that and i have a feeling that i will be crying for sure that night. Master has already had to calm me down once before and told me to talk to whoever i have to in the chain of command to get this issue settled. It's times like these that i am so thankful for the Master that i have.
    Speaking of thankful, brings me back to why im writing this. I was so busy Thanksgiving trying not to dwell in one place that i didnt get a chance to write. I feel so crazy and love that Master and i are so happy together. He truly does get me and knows how to correct me and put me in my place when i need to. I have times where i get into trouble because of my mouth, but there is nothing too big that He cant handle with me. I am truly His lil one and He never lets me forget it. Being here has been hard on the both of us because the reins have had to be adjusted, but i find myself settling back into my old routine without even thinking about it as the days get closer to going home.
   The other night at Thanksgiving dinner with my friends, i annoucned that i was so thankful for having my understanind fiance and man in my life. He truly is amazing and has been so understanding with everything going on, but the other thing i couldnt say was that im so thankful to have such an amazing Master. These past few months being away from Him have been hard, but i know that it will make future separations easier. This time frame has been close to what an actual deployment would be like. I cant imagine leaving Him for halfway across the world, but it was a sacrifice i made when i signed that dotted line. Anyways, enough spouting off about that and back to Him. He is my world and my knight in shining armor. Looking around when there is nobody standing to face the fight with me, He is there holding my hand and saying He will do it with me. He has helped me to fight every battle and those He couldnt be there for, He offered words of encouragement and wisdom. I am honestly thankful for every minute that i get to spend with this amazing man. I sometimes wonder what His father is like because His father must have been an amazing man if he is anything like my Master. I see Him and i see His father. I never met Him, but i can imagine from the stories that my Master is so much like Him. He is kind, honest, caring and good natured. There are so many other things to describe, but the best way to say it is that i know His father would be so proud of the man He is today.
   Master gives His time to me and this weekend has made me wonder if my Christmas gifts for Him show Him just how thankful i am for Him and just how much i love and care for Him. He is amazing and i love Him with all my heart and soul. This holiday season i will cherish every moment that we have together. I cant wait for Him to open His christmas presents for the lifestyle though. Granted i will probably be regretting it later, i find it hilarious and cant wait for Him to see what i got Him. I know for sure that He will love it and especially one item in particular. If He doesnt then i must not have been paying for much attention to detail and that is an epic fail for me. Only two more Saturdays and i will finally be back in His arms and serving at His feet where i belong.
    Which brings me to the last thing that i can think about. Yes my thoughts are scattered and random, but i blame that on the order they enter my head. Anyways, last night was the most amazing feeling in the world. Master, after teasing me all day with the most amazing text messages about what He would do to me during commercials while watching a game and other things, allowed me to pleasure myself. This was not just a given though. No, not for Him. He doesnt just give me pleasure like that. I have to earn it...my earning it though ws begging Him to allow me to pleasure myself. There were feelings that had been moutning and going almost six months without sex would make these feelings rise up in anyone, especially someone who loves sex as much as i do. (wow did i really just admit that???) At first, i guess He thought i was going to do it with my hands. For some reason i cant do that without Him with me. There is just something in me, maybe the fact that it is one of my rules that im not allowed to touch myself without Him that i couldnt bring myself to do it, who knows. But i tried to get the words to come out that i couldnt do it and they finally did. I told Him that the only way possible was using teh shower. He laughed and told me okay and i promptly told Him goodnight and went and began the shower. These next like fifteen minutes were the most amazing minutes ever. It made me feel like He was playing with me and teasing me the entire time. I used the shower to pleasure myself and ended up having an orgasm at least three times that i counted. I couldnt believe it and i was talking in my head the entire time. All i could think of was "oh fuck me harder Master" or "please give it to me more Master" or just "yes Master, oh yes Master" all went through my head. It was crazy, but i wonder if i had any more orgasms if i could put myself into subspace on my own???(theres a question to ask Him later)
   So this whole holiday has me missing Him and i just cant wait to get home to Him. Its not too much longer and we will officially be husband and wife while ill still be the submissive partner. It is exciting and i cant wait until then. It is in my every waking moment and i fnid myself dreaming about Him and His touch and just His kisses. I love it. Until then, i only have my dreams until i can feel His touch for real again.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Tough week trying to make you proud

   Wow, what a week and I don’t even know how to begin to describe it to you. So many horrible things have happened and I feel so lost. I’m writing this as I face my first restless night of sleep in a while. Going to sleep without hearing your voice is complete torture to me and the worst punishment that my MTL could come up with. I felt horrible and my heart sank so much when I heard he was taking our phone batteries. It meant there would be no time to talk to You about anything that went on or earlier this week. You, the one person who can calm me down no matter what, was inaccessible in one swift moment.

   Tonight seems to be the mounting of all the pressure that I feel building up on me. I find myself struggling with the added pressure of having to perform better. Being told my an instructor that he doesn’t think you are pushing yourself completely for your team and that he wants to see more push from you is disheartening when you hear it. I got that speech today and let me just say that it sucked horribly. I couldn’t imagine not putting enough effort in because I was putting in every ounce of effort I could. Yes im not the most in shape person and he even asked me that, but still im trying just as hard as everyone else at this training. I just don’t know what to do about this…You told me not to worry about it, but when you get this kind of news from an instructor it kills you.
   The next thing was we found out last night that we got in trouble from our MTL about the 341s pulled for my phone. We were originally told that nothing would be given to Ssgt Smyers but somehow they got given to him. That is how I ended up losing my phone to him, well not so much my phone but my battery. Either way my phone is now useless for one night and I honestly feel lost from everything. I don’t know what to do or what to say. I tried so hard to be good, but it seems this week that everywhere I turned there was something getting me into trouble.. I’m a good kid and for some reason here has brought me nothing but trouble. Anyways….he wasn’t happy about the whole phone situation but said that he is the instructor and reserves the right to make the decision he did of taking away our phone batteries. A part of me is outraged at this and I want to fight it, but I know its no use. You would probably agree with him that it should have happened and probably would have if I was home with you.
   After that, today was going fine until I was waiting to clear weapons. I was standing there and just talking and I accidentally hit the button that sent my bolt forward. I looked up in shocked and voiced out loud that it was an accident because quite a few peoples heads turned to look at me and see what had done it. Our head rope was standing in the back and all he did was look at me and say “oh your bolt went forward?” and kept talking. He heard my statement and he finished what he was doing, but on his way up he stopped at one of the instructors and told them that my bolt had gone forward. I know it was him because he was the only one back there that saw anything that went that way. Everyone else was still in line behind me. I listened to my peers around me and did as they suggested and pulled my bolt to the rear. It had happened to a couple other people in line and they had done the same thing and nothing was done. Somehow I was the one that they called up. The instructor asked me if I bolt had gone forward and I explained to him that it had on accident. I was then asked if I pulled it to the rear while I was in line. When I answered yes he gave me this look of shock. My weapon had already been cleared out once and yes I can understand the safety issue but nothing was found then. I honestly thought it was the right thing to do.
     He explained that it was a weapons safety violation and that it was an automatic LOR. I couldn’t imagine this and knew exactly what it meant for my possibility of getting RAP. It was hanging in the air as of now. I couldn’t imagine how something like that could cause such bad effects. I was guilt ridden and so terrified as to what was going to happen. It terrified me knowing that I had committed a weapons safety violation. I honestly didn’t know that what I did was a weapons safety violation until he said something to me. Anyways, he asked me if I had any paperwork and when I said no he told me to go away. I’m not sure if he is going to write me that LOR or not but im deathly afraid. I have worked so hard and it seems everything keeps building up on me. Little issues here or there that seem to be obstacles that seem too big to overcome. I don’t know what to do anymore.
     Coming here, I thought life would be so much better and id be able to talk to you all the time, but in an instant that was taken away tonight. I feel lost and I feel like im drowning. I love you so much and hate that something like that bolt to the rear thing would put all of our plans for Christmas in jeopardy. I know that from now on I am going to do exactly what they say with no extras involved and follow it to a T. I thought I had been before but I guess that I need to be more disciplined about it. The worst feeling in the world though is knowing that I disappointed you in all of this. You hold such high expectations of me and I have let you down. I let you down because I could have acted better in every one of these situations. I am going to try my hardest to not let anything else get to me. You are my heart and soul and I don’t want to do anything to lose you. I only hope that you arent mad or hate me after all this.
    This week has been rough and I know that tomorrow will only be rougher. Comments made today about how I wasn’t doing certain activities got to me and I hate that people are making them. I try to brush them off like you suggest, but there are some from people that I wouldn’t expect them from and that’s what throws me through a loop. I only hope to make you proud and finish off these next few weeks stronger then I have before. I will finish it for you and I will make it home to you as Your lil airman.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Reread and Came Up With a New Message

    “men want to dominate, to master, because they are insecure. They want to control their environment. They want to control anything and everything that affects their lives. They want to be sure that what they have today they will also have tomorrow.

    “Wait a minute you say, isn’t it about sex? Don’t men want to have a willing woman available any time, day or night? Sure, any man who denies it is lying, but there’s more to it. Yes he does want to find you there whenever he rolls over in bed in the middle of the night, but he also wants to know you will be there tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. He wants you to be the friend who’s always there, the one he can share his secrets with, the one he can trust. Yes, trust, surprised? You hear so much about how a good submissive builds trust in her master, but you don’t think about the rest of it. He has to trust you as well, trust that you will keep his secrets, trust that you will be there for him, trust that you won’t walk out or turn on him.”
    “It goes back to that basic insecurity. He wants a woman he can spend a lifetime with, but he has that craving for control, to make sure everything is done his way. Who can best answer that need? Someone who loves him, is devoted to him, wants to serve him, take care of him, but also someone who will obey him, defer to his judgment, be it right or wrong, someone who can allow herself to become dependent on him. What type of woman would best be suited to a role like that?”
    “The answer is obvious to all of you here: a deeply submissive woman,” he continued. “Each one of you has chosen to submit to your master. Why you choose to submit is another topic, but you submit knowing that it means you accept his unrestricted authority over your lives. Is it what he really wants? Yes, and don’t ever doubt it. Your submission is like a powerful narcotic drug to him. The more he gets from you, the more he wants. It draws him to you, an attraction more powerful than you can imagine.
    “As a submissive it must seem that you take all the risks. You give him everything, yet he could abandon you on a whim. Reality is far different. The more you draw him in, the more power you give to him through your submission, the more he will desire you. Can you walk away from him on a whim? No? Well, he can’t either. You are fulfilling dreams he has had since childhood. He would no more abandon you than he would cut off his arm. Remember this: just as his dominance holds you to him, so your submission holds him to you.
    “To me, domination is not about what I actually do, but the potentials, what I could do if I wished. If I were so inclined I could order Sarah to crawl on the floor barking like a dog. Am I going to do that? No, it would be silly. But I know I have the ability to make her do that if I wanted it. See the distinction? That’s why your master isn’t some kind of abusive monster. He doesn’t need to prove he’s in charge by issuing a constant stream of orders and rules, to put you through some degrading or humiliating scene. Rather he sees, from how you obey him, that his power over you is there anytime he wants it.”
    Reading this section, I am reminded at times when I lose it, just how much my Master loves me. He is the reason that I do what I do, but at the same time there are reasons that He does what He does. Honestly, I never thought about why He is the way that He is, but this made me stop and think about it.
    My Master is an amazing man. After this section, I had to go back and reread it another time again. I never realized that Masters are men that are actually afraid of losing what they have. Me and Master have talked before about how we would die if we ever lost each other because we love each other so much. It’s crazy how you can love someone so much, but be so vulnerable to them too. Every time He makes a choice or judgment for me, He is also making sure that I am taken care of.
    Thinking of trust, me and Him talked about it a lot and I realize now that it wasn’t just about how much I trusted Him. I realize now that it actually didn’t take me very long at all to trust Him. There was just something about Him that was different then any of the others that had come before Him. He was different, but the trust thing wasn’t just about me. It was about how much He trusted me too. I realize now that He has to trust me just as much to make sure that I don’t reveal His secrets and that I will always be there for Him.
    That goes back to the whole part of the quote “He doesn’t need to prove he’s in charge by issuing a constant stream of orders and rules, to put you through some degrading or humiliating scene. Rather he sees, from how you obey him, that his power over you is there anytime he wants it.” My Master truly cares about me and if He didn’t, He wouldn’t be working as hard as He does to make things work like He does. He doesn’t order me around to crawl or do things that seem silly and just plain weird, but He relies on me to do things not because He orders me to, but because I submit to Him and give Him that power over me.
    I love my Master because of the power He has over me, but I also know that at the same time the power He has also is a great responsibility for Him. Knowing this, I am so proud to be called His lil one and to be His submissive and soon to be submissive wife. It will be hard, but I look forward to making Him proud and following His orders whether they are spoken or unspoken.

A treat for my Master

   “It’s a type of training exercise, no, not on how well you present yourself, but on how well you handle orders you don’t like. It’s easy to submit when you are told to do what you want to do anyway. When it really counts is how well you obey when it isn’t fun. When you are required to kneel in front of a mirror with some stranger staring at you, something you would never do normally. That image you see in the mirror? You are being forced to confront your own nature, the core of who you are. No pretense, nothing concealed. You begin to realize just how truly dependent you are on your master.”

   This is a quote from a story that has quickly become a favorite of mine. Reading it after an extremely rough morning of grueling PT led by a PT machine, I was aching for something to just quench my thirst. Now don’t get me wrong it wasn’t a thirst like a normal thirst, but a thirst and hunger for my Master to tell Him all about what had happened and how I had done. Anyways, that brings me back to this quote. Reading it after the session we had this morning makes more sense to me then ever before.
   Before now, I honestly struggled with trying to find the balance between my world and the lives that me and Him live and the military world that I have suddenly found myself in. Most of the time I found myself teetering on the brink of losing one while trying to still find my footing in the other. Missing curfew here or just snapping out of tiredness from the long day at Him as He is trying to be helpful were the little things that I see now were wrong with how I was handling things. Looking at this quote from the story, it makes me realize that the two worlds are kind of one and the same and there is a way to balance them.
   When it comes to the military lifestyle that I find myself in now, there will always be orders that I wont want to follow or will disagree with, but I will still have to do them. There is no second guessing or thinking “well I don’t want to do this because its not right” or other mindsets like that. The NCOs here and the officers that make the decisions as well as the squad leaders and ropes are all in their places for a reason. The people over them think that they have the ability to lead and the power to do so. I see now that it wont be easy at times, but I must follow their orders without hesitating because that little ounce of hesitation may mean the difference between life and death for someone.
   Enough about the dreary picture of war and on to the lifestyle that I live with my Master. He is my Master and truly owns me in every sense of the word. Right now, I may not wear His collar, but that doesn’t mean that my actions should be any different between now and if I was wearing it. One day soon I will be presented with it and I want to make sure that He is and always will be proud of me and be able to say “That’s My lil one” with pride. I realize that my actions from when I was with Him to how I act now are totally different. He has had to make adjustments because there are times that the military does interfere with specific rules He had for me, for instance the clean shaven rule. With limited time here, I try to follow that rule but it is hard to find the time with the crazy hectic schedules we keep here. Now does that mean I am intentionally disobeying Him? No it doesn’t. It just means that I have to work extra harder to keep up with it and do it when I am given the time, like the weekends I have off duty.
   This morning I found myself in a predicament that I honestly felt weak compared to everyone else. During the pt session, we stopped running and lined up in a parking lot to do suicide sprints from every second line for 3 of them. I have a bad knee, but I did them. The worst part of it was that after we were done, we had to wait in the push up position for everyone else to do their sprints. Looking down the line, it seemed like there were so many of them. I think in all honesty there was probably 15 to 20 of us this morning and I had to hold that position while everyone was doing their sprints. At my weakest point, I found myself thinking of Him and how He would want me to continue to hold that position. I found myself thinking and saying to myself, “This is for my Master. This is for Master. This is for You.” I repeated it over and over again for the next two or three minutes or how long I don’t even know really, but it was hard. I found myself struggling and yes it was unpleasant, but I dealt with it and I knew that Master would be happy when He found out.
    Living life here isn’t hard, but I find that He is honestly my source of strength and my calm when the storms are raging here. I have faced incredible hurdles here and I’m in the process of facing even more. Girls who are so used to getting their way, find that I am the easiest one to pick on for some reason, but im not one to give up just because of the games they play. Yes, I may have an issue with my feet(an issue that was once embarrassing but I now know its not really that embarrassing after all) but that is not anything to judge me on. Everyone has their own issues and that is one of mine. I have found that He has been my biggest source of strength while working through school here. Through thick and thin, we have had our ups and downs, but He has been there from the beginning, fighting for me. He always has my back and will continue to do so. Yes there will be times that I will act up or do something against His rules, but if I keep this quote in my mind always, there should be rare times for that.
   I promise to keep fighting not for me anymore, but for Him. Not once has He asked me to do anything that I cant do. It’s no longer about me, but about my Master. He is my Master and I will do this for Him, not myself. Everything I do is for Him and no longer for just myself anymore. Just a little bit of refocus and it can easily be done. Only a few more weeks and ill be back in His arms again. Cant wait until then, but until that day I get to just dream of Him and His loving arms.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Fighting Myself at Times...

   Today has seemed like a whirlwind of activity from the very start to even now. I cant seem to stop being on the go, even when im stopped and doing nothing. Try as i might, it seems that even on the days im relaxing that im always out running here and there with friends doing this or that.
   This morning after i woke up, i headed out with friends to get some food and then finish my Christmas shopping for Him today. i was so excited to finally be able to get the last of His gifts today that i just couldnt wait. i still cant wait for Him to see them because i know He will love them and will most definitely use them very well :D. Anyways, we headed out and went and picked up a friend of one of my friends because he needed a ride and it turned out well because i got gas money out of it.
   After leaving there, all of us headed to get food. i was starving and so were they. None of us had eaten since the night before and it was about two by the time we finally got in to eat. Crazy enough i dont think i have ever eaten that much before. i had three different kinds of chicken, pepper steak, rolls, biscuits, mashed potatoes, mac n cheese, nachos, cupcake, slice of cake, grapes, and 3 glasses of sweet tea. It was a heck of a lot of food for little me and lets just say it has kept me full all day. Thats why i love eating at the buffet. It keeps me full and i get my moneys worth.
   The day got a lot better and more interesting for me after that. The trip took us to the mall where i ended up buying His Christmas gifts and it was a crazy thing. i went into the store and began looking for His gifts. i found two of them that i wanted and i couldnt find the third that i had already decided on. The funny thing was that i sat in this store and debated on various things to get for quite a few minutes. While i was debating some members of my team came in so i was crazy paranoid that they would see me, but at the same time i was at the stage where i didnt care as well. i wanted to get His gifts and i didnt care if they saw. It was between me and Him and i didnt have to explain anything to Him. All i will say about my gifts for Him is that one of them is going to be interesting for sure cause i tried it out on myself and it might leave a mark. Lol, He's going to have fun when He gets them when we stay in the cabin. Although that also means hopefully (if i dont majorly act up or do something wrong to cause me to lose it) that ill get to wear His collar that weekend. It will be so amazing.
   So back to the rest of the day. The group with me headed out to the mall to look around and ended up going to bass pro. i could live in there for years i found out today. In the past, i just walked right on by and didnt pay attention to anything going on, but after today i have a feeling it will be bad and a big dent in our money if we are let loose in there. i saw so many things that He would have liked or that i liked and wanted that i wanted to get, but i was able to restrain myself and walk out of there without spending anything. i was most defniitely a good girl when it came to walking out of there with nothing.
   After leaving there, the decision was brought up about seeing a movie. They offered to pay and did pay for me. It was only about 5 something and there was still time before He got off work that i thought it would be good to see one. I also couldnt turn it down because they all wanted to see one and even paid for me to get in to one. There was no getting out of that one, well there was but its hard to say no to a bunch of people who offer to buy your ticket for a movie. So we ended up going in to see Due Date. Good movie and very funny on a side note. Well, i let Him know i was at the theater and that was going to watch the movie and then head back to base so that He knew what was going on. I got a one word response text message that shocked my world....wtf. It shocked me so i sent Him a text back asking Him what He meant and if He was upset with me because that was like a shock. i didnt know what i had done and was confused. i tried calling Him and no answer. At this point every thought was going through my head and i was on the verge of tears because i thought i had done something so wrong to upset Him that much. Needless to say it was a lot of overreacting on my part. i got a text message about 20 minutes later saying something and that He had been sent out on a call. i couldnt believe it. i had overreacted for nothing.
   My head lately has been so jacked up that i find it hard that my first thought was to jump to the conclusion that i had done something so wrong that He just wouldnt speak to me. i know though that when He gets mad He doesnt want to talk to anyone, but this was different. i didnt know what i had done to make Him mad, which thankfully in this case was nothing. Anyways....i feel that i am so anxious and nervous that ill do something to cause Him to get so upset with me. He has talked about making the leash tighter when i get home and i wonder if He feels that im taking advantage of the freedom opportunities that He gives me while im here. i truly dont but i found myself later tonight understanding just why He is so worried about me all the time. i am a million miles away from Him and He has no way to control what is going on around me or what im doing. The only thing He can do is trust me and He puts a lot of trust into me. Sometimes it is  hard for Him, but i understand His worry and His need for the things like my curfew and other things.
   After thinking about things, i also came to realize that i am not quite sure how to balance things with Him and me, me and my social life. It is so hard trying to find that balance without Him here because He is the one to say what goes on when and where when im home with Him. Its hard for me because He is so many miles away and i am left feeling a little bit lost. It seems that He has mentioned before when i write about things coming out and i talk to Him about it after the fact. The thing is with me i dont realize what is happening until it is either happening or already happening. im honestly afraid of doing something or breaking rules and He has enough because it seems to be the same thing. Im trying so hard to make sense of this new world and everything. i dont know how to word it or even begin to describe what im trying to ask for help  or patience on. i love Him so much and i hate that i frustrate Him or upset Him. i just want to be that perfect lil one and i try so hard to be perfect for Him, which i know ill never be....but i try. i just hope that He sees it. im trying so hard to follow His rules and theirs and still have a social life too. Ugh, its all sooooo complicated...like i dont mean to sound like i want to be mindless but sometimes it seems easier that the choices be made for me,  but i know i have to be an adult and make some decisions on my own.
   The other thing i came to realize is that some of my choices made this weekend werent the greatest. i have a feeling and i know that He will probably agree with this is that i wont be leaving base next weekend. i dont want to say that i dont deserve it no matter how hard the weekend is, but i dont deserve it with all that has gone on this weekend for being late getting back last night and He didnt get very much sleep because of it and me being late tonight as well. i really dont try to miss my curfew or disobeyHim, but i think this will make things a little bit easier for me. im making that decision for me because i need to focus on Him and me and make sure that i have time to talk to Him since im so exhausted during the week by the time me and Him get to talk.