Thursday, December 30, 2010

Crazy up down road of life

It seems my emotions lately are getting the best of me and it is honestly starting to worry me. I feel that sometimes I am being too much of a baby or stepping out of place. Being out of His arms for six months I feel has affected me more then I thought.
Master and I took vows a week and one day ago to be there for each other no matter what happens. I know that He will always be there and don't doubt this especially after He took care of me a few nights later when I was praying to the toilet god and could barely walk on my own. But I feel somehow I'm not living up to my full potential.
Last night Master and I both had a little too much to eat and felt horrible. Before too long I recovered from it but Master was still under the weather. It seemed I was thinking more of myself by playing with Him and waking Him up when He was trying to go to sleep. It was a mistake on my part but it got me thinking....
I have struggled yesterday and today with my inner demon feelings. I know that Master would never leave me but I'm not used to someone forgiving me when I disappoint them or upset them like He does. Screwing up on anything to me is major and last night I felt horrible when Master pointed out He took care of me but I had yet to take care of Him. What kind of submissive am I if I can't take care of my Master???
He told me earlier today that I was going to be getting a good spanking tonight and in all honesty I welcome it. I feel that I need something to smack me out of this funk I'm in. I don't want Master to think that I'm focused on myself more then Him because I really am not. He is my world and soul and I hate to disappoint Him.
I have been taking care of Master for the most part but at times like last night I felt knocked down when He rubbed my knee and my back but I didn't do anything for Him feeling sick. Maybe its my own feelings of insecurity or whatever you want to call it coming out, but I feel lost. I feel like I'm screwing up the littlest things and makes me nervous about the bigger things.
Master and I got approved for our own place and I can't believe everything that goes into it, but I'm ready to really start being that domesticated submissive house wife He loves. Its going to be a totally new adventure and I can't believe its finally here but I'm ready. I have a feeling there will be a lot of spankings in the future but I can't wait to be in our own place and Master can do as He pleases instead of being nervous someone could come home.
Anyways....my thoughts seem to dwell on how I feel I've been acting. I don't know if Master sees it but I feel I've been a really big pain in the butt with an attitude that wasn't deserved and just not doing things like they should be done. I know in the past Master did a spanking just to remind me of where I stand and I wonder if that is the case here? Do I just need a good spanking every so often to remind me of where I stand and that I may be a chick with a gun that I'm still His lil one and I do as He says when I'm with Him????I think its very possible. I will probably talk with Master about this.....He's already picked up that somethings wrong so I'm sure it will come soon anyways.....for now I will go back to my happy thoughts on our new place and ignore the evil thoughts that I'm screwing up so horribly,....

Saturday, December 25, 2010

What a wonderful Christmas holiday this has been. I honestly can't believe it is here and gone. There has been laughter,punishments,surprises,tears,joy and much more. Crazy....just crazy.
The holiday season started with an amazing cabin trip that I enjoyed with Master. It was the most amazing time of my life despite the punishment I faced from my late night out back in tech school. It had been a long time coming and boy did those spankings hurt but I knew it was out of love. Master only did it because He loves me and wants the best for me. He has to teach me right from wrong and I learned ill never be late without calling Him again.
Getting back home, I was able to relax with Him and finish up our last bit of Christmas shopping. In all honesty I have never been as happy as I was this year for everyone to open their gifts. Master helped me in figuring out what to get everyone. He even made sure we were good money wise during the whole season. It was amazing being able to get everyone a good gift and not worry about making rent or where my next meal is coming afterwards.
Master and I had gotten engaged while we were at the cabin and I must admit it was amazing. Wearing the ring felt so amazing and I just couldn't believe it was really happening. I was His fiance. Wow what a word....fiance. Soon after Master woke me one morning with slow kisses and whispered in my ear "let's go get married". These words lit up my braiin and it was crazy.
Walking up to the courthouse, the two of us had major butterflies going all over our stomaches. If we weren't nervous before, we were sure nervous now. Walking into the courthouse, I couldn't believe I was finally going to be Master's wife. Standing there, reading those words made my heart melt and I found myself ready to break down in happy tears while Master just smiled at me. The love in His eyes was unmistakable and I knew He was always going to be there for me just like the vows say.
Walking out of the courthouse as His lil one legally now made me the happiest woman alive. He loves me so much and it can be found in every little thing He does with me and for me. That night was a mix of sad and happy though. Master loves tickling me and making me laugh, although sometimes its just torture. That night it was for amusement but for some reason I just wasn't into it. I whined for Him to stop and He did, but He also didn't touch me for the rest of the night. Master was only trying to make me laugh and I turned Him away and whined at Him. To Him it was like I couldn't stand His touch.
That night I slept horrible and felt so bad that I made Master feel that way. All I could do was cry and sob that I was sorry but no sound came out. Waking up the next morning felt amazing because Master wrapped His arms around me and woke me up with kisses. To me this meant forgiveness but I still feel bad that I complained about Master tickling me. Thankfully He is forgiving and loving and realizes my moods sometimes get the best of me.
The holiday season this year was a first of splitting it between the two families. First was with Master's and it was amazing. So many people in one place but they're hilarious. My family was today and that was an adventure in itself to be told another time.
But good news is now I get to plan an actual wedding ceremony :) lots of fun. I know it will be fine though with Master by my side keeping me sane when I have to go dress shopping with my mother. Lol. The future looks so bright and I love everyday as Master's new wife.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Long day but well worth the talk

   Wow, just wow.. It seems these past few days have been nothing but a whirlwind. Its so hard to believe that our time alone just the two of us at the cabin is slowly winding down. It has been a nice and welcome change of pace just the two of us together. Naturally it has been amazing because it feels like what it will be like when we move into our apartment together down by the base. That day cant come fast enough.
   This morning felt amazing waking up and it was just one of those days i couldnt even begin to dream of. We woke up and of course showered after a good bit of playful tickling and wrestling around. It is so amazing waking up to Him tickling me and just playfully waking me up instead of having to get up to my phone alarm clock and start an endless hour day. The two of us decided that for lunch we were hungry and craving Waffle House. For those that dont know what Waffle House is....i feel really sorry for you because it has such amazing food.
   We got in there and i just have to say that the food was so amazingly good and for not having it in at least 6 months....it tasted pretty good for my taste buds. Oddly enough i didnt eat as much as i normally would have, but i think that basic and my tech school training beat that out of me(not so much beat but just kicked that habit). There are so many different things that i cant eat because my body just cant handle that much food at once anymore. Maybe its because i got used to having to eat whatever you could in under 3 minutes. Ugh i dont miss those days at all. But Waffle House was so amazing and i got a waffle, egg and cheese biscuit and hashbrowns. They were all soooo yummy...but the waffle wasnt anything like one that one of my friends cooks. She makes the kind that melts in your mouth and is just good and even Master said that her cooking was way better.
   After finishing up at Waffle House, we headed into WalMart and it was definitely an interesting trip looking for hair color. There was a good feeling of being able to talk about hair color and being able to dye my hair in a color that i like and cant believe that it is also Master's preferred hair color too. Brunettes are hot to Master and oddly enough that is the hair color i like on me the best. It seems to fit my personality. The best part though of that whole trip was the conversation we had on the way from Waffle House to WalMart and not the trip in WalMart itself.
   Thinking back to when i first got into the lifestyle, i realize that there are so many differences in the person i was then and the submissive i am today. There were so many changes made, both good and bad experiences had, and lessons learned as well. But the one thing that i remember was a comment made by a "Dom", and i use this term loosely here because im not sure after talking about things if He really is a Dom, that left me questioning my future at the time. My type of personality is one that i dont give up very easily and if you tell me that i cant do something, more then likely i will do it or at least attempt to do it ten times better to prove you wrong and to say "look at me, i can do it". At the time this guy was suggested to me by a friend to talk to and see if He could provide me some basic training as a foundation for one day when i was to find a Master because at the time i was still single and hadnt really been talking to anyone seriously.
   Taking his suggestion, i ran with it and okayed meeting his friend. Looking back now, i laugh at what happened from the meeting and all, but also find a few things creepy. Understandable this guy held a lot of power in the BDSM world from what i was told in the area of the US that i was in. Sometimes i question if that really is true, especially after meeting him in person. Creepy thing was that while i was at work, and not a lot of people knew that i worked at this McDonalds, was that he came thru my drive thru and had observed me at work and saw me and didnt say anything. He came through and didnt say one word letting me know who he was, but he observed and thought he knew everything there was about me and my personality just by judging me at work. My thought on that is, this is why im glad that Master is the way He is especially when we were talking, is you cant judge people based on how they act at work and how they act around others. The person can have up a completely fake act and put on a show for everyone around them, not showing the true them because everyone else either didnt need to know or would be harsh judges of decisions made about the lifestyle.
   Needless to say the guy checked me out before even letting me know this. The only reason i found out this bit of information was from the guys friend that had suggested him. He told me that i had been observed at work and there was a reason for secrect was because of this man's job. Yes, i understand the need for secrecy but still its kind of creepy to go and observe someone at work without even telling them.
   Anyways, he told me all about things he does and even had a paper copy of some rules and contracts and all. This was the first thing that kind of threw me through a loop and i wasnt sure how to respond. It was a lot to digest for someone who hadnt been in the lifestyle very long and still didnt know what i wanted. But he already had a lot of things laid out from what i would do when and sessions wouldnt be at his house and when we would have them and all these various things. The one thing that i hesitated about after that was the major hesitation aside from all the rules already being laid out when he didnt even know me and observing me at work, was the fact that he didnt seem to take care of himself at all. Dont get me wrong, i dont have any problem with guys that are overweight. But the other philosophy that i had was that if a Dom cant take care of himself, then how is he supposed to take care of a brand new submissive that is working at getting into the lifestyle. There is just no way for that to happen. You have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of the fresh young minds that depend on you for inspiration and guidance.
   Looking back now, i laugh and sometimes feel stupid about decisions i made when i first started looking into the lifestyle. The whole thought of the thing is that there were decisions made to where i put myself in a bad situation. Talking with Master i wonder how i made it out of a couple of them because of how bad they could have turned out. Crazy enough, but i wouldnt change any of it for all the money in the world. Out of all the other Doms that i talked to, there were so many that were fakes or just didnt know enough about the lifestyle. Master was the first one to truly take the time to get to know me and see what im really like. He didnt even have to demand submission from me, it was given freely. That is why our relationship is as special as it is and lets just say if He had even once demanded submission or that i call Him Sir or things like that, i would have moved on to the next guy. He wasnt anything like that though. He let ME choose when to submit to Him. It was on my terms and not His.
   After the talk with Master today, i also realized that there are so many Doms out there who demand instant submission from girls. How does this work??Honestly, do you think that a girl is going to be so stupid or act like a doormat and just forget the feelings she has to submit to you??Granted i know that there are several right ways and wrong ways to go about things in the BDSM lifestyle, but at the same time having a girl become a complete doormat just because you want her as a submissive or slave is completely wrong. But oh well, such is life and im just glad that im on the other end of the spectrum and found a completely amazing Master. There are times that i wonder if i will make Him proud, but i know i do when He reassures me all the time that im His and He always loves me. He disciplines me when i do wrong and also sometimes to remind of where i stand. Without Him, i honestly wouldnt be the submissive or even the person i am today. The shell of the person i used to be is so far in the past that i dont even recognize myself now. Master has taught me how to stand up and fight for myself and to fight with Him by my side. No longer do i fight on my own, but i fight with Him there by my side fighting for me every step of the way.
   Master taught me the last part of my lesson about causing Him to worry today and also gave me what i was asking for. The past few days i have felt that i was in a funk and honestly i still kind of do in a way. He spanked me with a huge paint stirrer and i do have to admit that it stings quite a bit when it hits bare skin. The ironic thing was i felt that it turned me on so much to be spanked with it that when He started fucking me with His fingers that i could barely utter the words of "Master may i cum please?" It was so amazing and felt so good when He started fingering my that i felt myself going up, but didnt quite get there when He finished and let me cum.
    After that, Master and i climbed out into the hot tub together. Oh my, it felt so good to sit in the hot tub and i felt a little bit on the brave side because we were sitting out there during daylight. Yes, it made me feel a lot naughty because we were sitting out naked in a hot tub during daylight. Before i would have been so afraid to do it, thinking someone might discover us but at this point i didnt care. It felt good and the porch is pretty screened in and the woods provide other cover too. It felt sooooo good and then while we were out there, i began rubbing Master's cock and just pleasuring Him. Before long, it led to me being fingered some more, but this time Master was playing with my ass(sorry for my language). It felt so good and i was wondering if Master was a little nervous about playing with me there earlier, but either way it felt so good. He played with me in both holes and it was like i slowly began floating. All i could care about was Master using His fingers to keep playing in both holes. It felt amazing.....oh my goodness i never thought that being fingered in the ass would feel so good but it did.
   Master and i played around for a while longer and i found myself admitting to Him that i was His slut. In all honesty i do feel like His slut because i crave Him so much. Before i never felt that i needed or craved sex so much, but i cant believe that i need it or want it as much as i do. Its almost like i cant get enough of Him. Despite Him fucking me as i asked Him to fuck me....which was another first for me. Never before have i asked Him to fuck me, but i felt that i needed Him inside of me. Anyways, Master let me cum so many times that i cant believe it. There is wonder if there will be anymore playing tonight??Wonder if we can  have one last hot tub dip before we leave in the morning??
   Dinner tonight was so amazing and good and i love just how Master cooks on the grill. He loves it when im all domestic and all and i felt so good cleaning the dishes while He went and did whatever. Honestly, i cant wait until i get to be His wife instead of fiance, but i have to have patience. It was so amazing and i love the feeling of being that little housewife that takes care of everything :) such an amazing feeling for me that i look forward to more of it. But until then i have to be patient..
   Well thats all for tonight. I wonder, if its possible to ask Master to give me another small spanking with the brush or the paddle? We havent used either one and i liked the way it made my butt feel like it was on fire and then He played with me. There is only so much pain i can take before its definitely a punishment but a little bit is definitely pleasure for me. I kind of wonder what would it be like to have a nice red butt from being spanked and then laid on my back and Master has His way with me or i get fucked in the ass while there is still heat coming off of it, like in the story that i read last night. Anyways....lol more and more ideas float around my head the longer i think. I may get myself into more trouble then i want to tonight ;)
  

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Such a crazy but mixed up day

   Today has been an amazing day and i cant believe that its already almost at its end. There has been laughter, crying, and snuggling together. Loving each and every minute of it (aside from a certain time) i couldnt believe that we had another day to ourselves to just lounge around and do whatever.
   This morning, i felt somewhat guilty....okay completely guilty that i didnt wake up and was able to fix Master His breakfast this morning. He got up and fixed breakfast after we got out of the shower as i was picking up the bedroom. My priorities on what should be done were wrong and i see that after thinking about it now. Hmmm...crazy when you realize that you messed up when you go back looking on what you did. Anyways....He fixed breakfast this morning which was fast and easy. The two of us ate breakfast together and then snuggled together watching tv. This morning made me feel amazing though going through and making the bed and just tidying up everything that was just thrown here and there from last night's craziness.
   Snuggling together on the couch, we watched tv and realized that we were both getting hungry later in the day. Zaxbys is amazing and i have been without it for six months. Master suggested it and let me just say that suggesting something like that can never go wrong with me. Working for them made me fall in love with the food and it tasted even better today. The chicken was just right and everything was just oh so good. Before we left, i found that the ring that Master gave me last night actually fits my hand. It takes a little bit to get off, but it fits.
   After going out to get some Zaxbys, we went out and about looking in the shops. It was so much fun going through this town that looks like its from somewhere in Europe. The buildings are decorated so well and are just amazing. We looked around the various shops and found various trinkets and just all kinds of goodies. Master found two paddles that talked about not spanking a child in the face, because theres a better place to do it and a couple other sayings. It was cute and i wish Master could have taken a picture. Although there is a feeling that we will probably be adding to the toy collection in the future.
   Finishing up our shopping for Christmas presents for my aunt and my mother, the two of us headed back to the cabin to just hang around and relax with some firewood. Master went into the office in charge of the cabins and got some and oh my goodness i couldnt believe how amazing it was to hear the fire snap and crackle around us. Before i heard all the snapping and crackling....i was in a panicked search for something that was so special and dear and i couldnt believe i had misplaced/lost it. Well i didnt lose it because it was found so i misplaced it. But anyways.....i couldnt believe it. The cabin was torn apart as i went looking in a frantic and panicked search for it. It wasnt anywhere i found and as i waited for Him to finish what He was doing and come back into the living room....i sat there thinking to myself i was dead. There was no telling what He was going to do to me when i told Him. There were no words and i honestly couldnt even begin to imagine how to try and tell Him. Crazy enough He figured it out. Not easy to get things past Master when He knows me as well as He does. There are little hints that tell Him something is wrong and i was giving those out big time.
    Sitting on the couch, He asked me repeatedly what was wrong and i couldnt find the words to voice what was wrong. There was just no words to explain how i had lost(at the time it seemed i had lost it) a ring that He had just given me the night before and that was so precious and important because it had been in His family. How could you tell the person you love that you lost something this special?? After a few tries, He finally coaxed it out of me but when i told Him  it was barely a whisper. There was just no way for me to loudly say that i had lost this precious ring.
   The two of us searched and searched and He handed me the keys to check outside the cabin. Crying and wondering what would happen if i didnt find it, i frantically searched the ground and the back of my car followed by the front seat. Going through my head, i honestly was saying to myself that for me to lose it...what would He think of me? Would He think of me unworthy to be His lil one anymore because i had done something like this. This to me seemed unforgivable. Much to my salvation(well sort of), checking the back seat floorboard where i had moved my mother and aunt's presents....i found the ring just sitting there. There was an instant sigh of relief but i couldnt help but let the tears continue to fall. Bracing myself for it, i allowed myself to just go with the flow and expected a major punishment for this. I mean honestly...how could you not do that with someone who loses a ring so precious and meaning more then just a symbol of our relationship??But i didnt get anything....all i got was a very strong swat on the butt and told not to let that ring off my finger again and if it came off again i was going to get my butt beat.
    After that, i calmed down and we just lay there watching tv. Relaxing with Master, we lay there and waited til it was dinner time. Coming in after starting the steaks, Master had to remind me to start the baked potatoes. Starting them, i went back to talking with my cousin, but i made a big mistake. Here is my second mistake of the day that went unforgiven i guess so to speak. Master came in with the steaks when they were done and the baked potatoes were almost done and there was no plates on the table or anything. There was nothing on the table. Telling Master i was waiting for the baked potatoes to be done, i told my cousin that i would talk to her later and got up to begin setting the table. Looking back now, i feel this was wrong of me. I wasnt focused on what my duties should have been....i should have had the table set and everything taken care of or at least working on it when Master came back with the steaks.
   Feeling that my screw ups today are just crazy, i feel like i am somewhat out of whack with who i am and what im supposed to be doing. Its not so much that i dont know what im supposed to be doing, but that im not doing it. There just seems i guess that i have forgotten some things and feel i should be reminded of some of them. Hard as that is to swallow, i wonder if i can admit this to Master. How do i bring up that i feel im not doing things like im supposed to or that im making mistakes that i shouldnt be making. Or that i feel i should have been punished more severely for the incident with the ring and not having the table set. The table set, looking at it now, makes me seem like i was more intrigued with the tv and facebook and yahoo then my duties for Master. Maybe im wrong, but to me that is what it seems like. To me, maybe its just i need a good shock, not just what i got last night...but something that makes me learn not to forget my place. Knowing my place is important to me and i dont want Master to ever doubt that i have forgotten that. Maybe its that i need to be reaffirmed of what my place is??Who knows what that exact wording is. All i know is that im unsure and just dont want to screw up for Master.
   Tonight has been amazing though and being able to wear my collar nonstop is the most amazing feeling in the world...aside from Master's kisses. His kisses keep driving me nuts and it just stirs up a fiery feeling in my groin area. There is no words to describe but all i know is that i love Him so much and hope that even when i make mistakes that i can still make Him proud. There is no way that i could ever live without being His lil one and i feel the screw up this morning made me come close. Oh well....off to make some chocolate chip cookies while Master reads this. Thinking i may suggest a dip in the hot tub while eating fresh baked cookies and watching tv. The hot tub always does good and maybe i can talk to Him about my feelings instead of just having Him read this.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Shock, awe, and a ring!!

   This afternoon, well both this afternoon and tonight have been amazing so far. Granted my butt may not think so, but i think that it has. Tonight has been full of wonderful and amazing surprises that i cant even believe happened.
   Master and i got into the cabin and enjoyed lounging around while just spending time with Him. We both watched tv and just relaxed after returning some redbox movies. Dinnertime came with me working on the mac n cheese while He worked the grill. The grill is an area that im not allowed in partially because i am not a grill master like He is. Anyways, back to dinner....i was working on the mac n cheese and it turned out well aside from the fact it got cold. For some reason they got cold extremely fast even though it was left in the pan with the heat staying in.
   After eating dinner, it was time for Master to open His presents. The feeling was one of anticipation and not sure as to what was going to happen. There was a certain uncertainty of what would happen once they were opened, but what can i say...it was my own pick your poison. He opened them and loved each and every one. All the gifts had been bought at Spencer's because i didnt know a lot about the Texas area and i have never been in an adult store before. This wasnt going to be my first time, even if i was shopping for Him. The very last gift He opened (after the rubber whip and the leather whip and handcuffs and blindfold) was a paddle. Looking at it when it was purchased, you would have thought it would be bland. It was anything but bland when Master unwrapped it. His lil one had created a GA symbol on it and personalized it because i knew that Master would love it even more with His favorite team on it. That was the ultimate Christmas present for Him from me.
   After opening the presents, my thoughts are somewhat better. Honestly i am glad that He opened them and not apprehensive about them being used on me. Yes, i know a couple of them will sting, but i cant wait to see what they all feel like.
   Thinking the hot tub sounded like a good idea, me and Master went and climbed in. This is all honesty the first time that i have ever been skinny dipping. It was no bathing suit allowed for us when we got in and it made it that much better. Feeling Master pleasure me and pleasuring Him while in the hot tub was amazing and a new experience for me. It seems that staying here is going to be a lot more set of firsts for me.
   Here is the critical part of the whole time in the hot tub. Shortly before we got out, Master came and sat outside of the tub on the edge and pulled me over His knee. At first i had no clue what was going on, but then i began to figure it out. Honestly im not much of a fighter until the pain gets intense, but it seemed that it was more intense sensations because my skin was still wet and it made the sting a lot harsher. My hands kept flying back and i remember Master had to keep telling me to put them down or He was going to add more. After this, my first 100 of my 300 spankings was over. My butt was raw and i have never cried so hard....but i knew that Master loved me with the care He showed me after the first spanking.
   Master took care of me and i thought that part was over and there wouldnt be anymore, but that thought should have been pushed away. He likes to surprise me and this wasnt an exception to that. But we moved inside and got into the jacuzzi tub inside the cabin to warm us up because it was freezing outside. I couldnt believe how cold it was, but that tub felt good. After getting out of the tub, i was going to put on a pair of shorts and top when Master stopped me. He came in holding the blindfold that i had bought for His Christmas present. Let me just say every thought imaginable was running through my head at this moment. I couldnt believe that He was blindfolding me and i was thinking that the next set of 100 was about to happen. (It did but that was a little bit later). I heard Him rustling around and a set of keys and then heard Him walk in front of me. Feeling myself shaking, i braced myself for a hit from one of the various instruments that i had brought with me. This was wrong though...when He told me to take the blindfold off and look at Him....there He was on one knee with the ring in His hands.
   Being a sentimental girl, i couldnt believe that He was surprising me like this. Going to put the ring on my finger, it didnt fit but i could care less. The magic of the moment was so special and i just couldnt believe that He had asked me to marry Him. Yes we had talked about it before and we both knew that we were getting married, but to officially be asked and surprised like i was....i couldnt believe it. All my emotions were rolling into one and i was about to burst into tears when He picked me up and kissed me and wrapped my hair in a towel. It made me laugh and i couldnt be any happier.
   After this, we both lay down and began relaxing in the bed because it had been a long day and it was freezing in the cabin. THe bed is one of the few places with a comfortable and warm blanket that we both could snuggle together with. Before long, i found myself subjected to the next round of 100 spankings. I honestly couldnt believe how badly that leather whip smarted. Master hit a few places again and again.....crazy and drives me to want to get away when He keeps hitting the same spot over and over again. My butt is now officially on fire and very sensitive to what is happening....
   My only thought is when is that next 100 going to come??I wonder if it will happen with the hairbrush or the paint stirrer or the paddle that i got Him?? So many possibilities....oh man. To top that off, i got Him some handcuffs too and i wonder if He will ever use them. Granted im not completely comfortable with asking Master to please handcuff me and just have your way with me...but He does that already. Lessons from the past have taught me that He does things in His own time, but sometimes i know i can be impatient. I honestly want to see what it feels like to have those handcuffs around my wrist and see what it feels like for Him to take advantage while im really unable to move and have no senses(forgot to mention the blindfold too....it just adds to everything to not be able to move away or defend myself and cant see....weird with my history but i trust Him completely and know He wont ever hurt me....)
   Is it possible for someone to get up the courage to just ask....Master please can you handcuff me and test the paddle and the paint stirrer and spank me with the hairbrush until my butt is a nice rosy red??? As shy as i am i definitely could not do that. But its the thoughts in my head....how do you work on communicating that??Hmm should be on my list of things to work on with Master...For now my writing in this journal is how i can work at communicating and figuring out how to communicate it to Him verbally.
   The night is still young and im sure there is more fun to be had(or at least i hope so) but if not...im happy to just be here and lay with Him. Is it sad though that i feel like i crave and need sex??Its like i cant get enough from Him, but at the same time i dont want to wear Him out. We havent seen each other in six months and i feel there is so much that i have missed.....but at the same time i cant wait to find out all that we rediscover in each other in a given time. I look forward to all these lessons.....hmm i wonder if my first lesson is figuring out how to ask Master what i mentioned in the previous paragraph???

What a whirlwind time

   This past day and a half seems to me to be nothing but a mere dream, but i find myself constantly pinching myself to check and see if im awake. Checking to make sure that it isnt a dream and i have to wake up and get back to training. My world it seems for the past few months have existed with only mere minutes of me talking to Him. it is still hard to believe that i am finally back home and in His arms again.
   Last night....oh my goodness last night. Thinking about it at this moment makes me drool and i love the thought of remembering every waking moment. The passion, the laughter, the snuggling, and most importantly the just being together. Since i have left, the only thing i have dreamed about was getting back to His arms and back to where i belong.
   Teasing hands, caressing touches, and warm sensations He created in me were nothing short of breath taking. It seems that every minute i spend back with Him, i fall in love even more. Leaving Him for my training was the hardest thing i have ever had to do, but i see that for both me and Him it made me a stronger person. By a lot of what i dealt with, i have learned not to take crap from anyone and to stand up for myself...with Him there cheering me on from the thousand and some odd miles He was away. He taught me the most important lesson of all----to be true to myself and who i was and not back down for anyone. Since we have been talking, He has done nothing but encourage me to pursue what i want and what makes me happy while also being His lil one.
   Hearing my name and receiving my collar last night, i found that it was the most amazing feeling in the world. In the past, i would have been cautious of walking out of the room with it on and just cautious that someone could even remotely possibly see me. He has caused me to become more confident in myself and my abilities. I proudly walked out of His room to get Him something to drink and found myself shrugging off the reaction if someone was to see me. He is my Master and is proud of me just as i am Him. My collar from Him is a sign of pride and that He is my owner. He is in control of me and everything i do.
   Performing my duties and just getting back to finally being me and taking care of Master has been the greatest joy here. My Master has had me getting Him something to drink or just helping with things has been amazing feeling for me. i truly feel that i am back where i belong. It is going to take some time to ease back into things, but i know that Master will make sure it happens like it should. He has been nothing but understanding of all the mistakes and disasters and just plain grumpy moods and situations that i have put myself in. They are learning experiences and He has made me see just how much i have changed into the woman and submissive that i want to be. Realizing yet again that this is truly where im supposed to be has been the most rewarding experience ever and i cant wait for one day soon to be His lil one and His wife. For soon we shall be husband and wife too.
   This weekend should be fun and interesting. Getting my lecture and 300 hits over with plus however many i have for my mouth and my bad words from earlier this week....oh man i cant wait to get it over wtih and be back to being Master's lil one that has a clean slate because i still feel guilty about that night that i made Him worry over me. I guess thats why He has this punishment because they always make me feel better and ease that guilt knowing that He is teaching me a lesson and will forgive me of it all once it is over with(not that He hasnt forgiven me but knowing i still have this punishment is the biggest piece of guilt ever)
   Cant wait for Him to open His presents too......Should be super exciting and quite itneresting experience afterwards. Will have to update on that one after tonight. For now im just relishing in being His lil one and getting whatever He wants or asks for.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

What a time....

   Writing this, i find myself rushed for time...hoping and waiting not to be walked in on by my family that is driving here at this moment. Pure craziness....i am stressing somewhat or at least i was earlier but Master calmed me down and im good now.
   Normally i would think that families are supposed to be tight knit and just close or at least not have as many issues. But my family cant get that stigma right. As of right now, my aunt is on her way to the house because of a fight with my cousin. He may be liable to hurt himself and im left here struggling trying to figure out what to do in this whole situation...Master told me that He would kill my cousin too because of all that happened tonight, but i dont know.    
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(last night)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   So today brings an advancement from all that was talked about last night. There is an update and thankfully my cousin is fine. I am glad of this because despite all that went on i honestly would hate to see anything bad come to him. So that situation is somewhat better....
   Today was a long day and i cant believe that there are only two more days until i am back in His arms. There are so many feelings and emotions going on right now that i just cant believe it. It's crazy that i have seen Him for a period of about three days during a whole six month time period. How i have missed Him so much and just cant wait to be back in those arms of His.
   He has been there for me always and after this week i have realized it even more. He is always there fighting for me and just there to listen when things in my household get to crazy and chaotic for me to handle. Without Him, i wouldnt be able to handle all these stressful situations that i have had to deal with. Who knows how much longer until i am in His arms hours wise, all i know is that there are two days left until i see Him and am snuggling in His arms. A part of me wonders though if i will have any part of my punishment that night or will it wait til the cabin???Who knows....ill have to let you know after it happens.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

So close but so far away

    Wow, so amazing are the only two words that i can think of to describe the past few days. Not so much amazing, but breathtaking and unbelievable. The past six months to me seem to have flown by. I cant even believe that its already done and over with now.
   Master and i have been talking back and forth all day about various things we miss and just talking. I cant believe that i will be back in His arms again this Friday.Oh my goodness.....its pure craziness. Today was the first time i went shopping with Master on my mind(okay not really the first time but the first time dressing up it was). Well before i talk about the cute outfit i found...i have to tell about the first dress store that i looked in. Master and i have been talking about getting married here recently and the first placed i stopped in happened to be a wedding dress shop. I stopped in there just to look to see what they had and boy did i find the cutest dress ever!!!! It was like a summer type looking dress with a pale blue sash wrapped around it. The only problem was the color of the sash. Knowing Him, He would prefer to have red as the color on it and in all honesty i think im beginning to find my color preferences are  more to His liking.
   So after leaving that store, i texted Master and told Him that i had been looking at dresses. It was crazy how much of a smile it put on my face that i was looking at the dress knowing i would be wearing it someday soon. Anyways, i texted Him because we are planning on doing a small ceremony first with just us and then doing the big one for our families....well i want to look great for Him and i told Him this. I have no clothes whatsoever that really fit me and the size that i am now. (which Master and i have been going back and forth all day about how i feel so tiny.....He tells me it doesnt matter that i look amazing to Him but i dont feel completely tiny but my clothes size says i am). I got a black skirt that hugs a little tight and a red top....it was amazing putting them on. A size small shirt and a medium skirt for me used to be unheard of. Before i left for the military i was bigger and would end up wearing either a large or extra large shirt in the type that i bought and the skirt would have been an extra large skirt.
   I cant believe the outfit i got but i cant wait to be back home with Him. That is my driving force to make it through the rest of this week. All i have to do is make it to Friday night and that is when i will be hitting that highway 20(or interstate 20 really) and head home to our bed and His arms. :D Oh man i cant wait....it will feel so good to finally be home again!!!!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Today's the day!!!

Today is finally the day that i get to leave this wretched place that i have had to call home for the past six months and go back to where i really call home. These past few days this week have been a haze and blur full of running here and there to various appointments and then night operations that had me out until ten at night. Pure craziness for sure, but i made it!! Words never truer....i made it!!
   Master and i this week have had quite a few struggles. I have had moments where i was short and just a complete bitch to Him(as He put it) and i regret that. There were other things that led me to be completely witchy and it shouldnt have happened. There will be a punishment and i know this one will not be pleasant at all. There have been times in the past that i was short and witchy with Him during my training while He was trying to help me and it was wrong. He has always been there for me and i should know by now for sure that i should NEVER snap at Him when He is trying to help me. Now if i lived in a perfect world this would happen, but with this weeks stresses and mother nature and little sleep combined together----that leads to a combination of me being out of character.
    Talking with my mom and dad i can see the differences between the two of them and how they are treating me. My mom is still processing things with me and i think is still coming to terms with me being an adult. My dad on the other hand seems to understand and is even taking steps to help me out but not treat me like the baby that they used to. I have grown up a lot but i think my mother still doesnt see that. She really has yet to come to terms that i am fully on my own right now. She was even making comments about my car which i am proud of always no matter what people say. I got a good deal on it and even Master thinks so. He knew about the whole thing before it was purchased for sure. But she was talking about how its alright for a car and that she wishes i had waited but she guesses it will do. I hate that because its basically her being upset that i didnt do things her way. Master was joking last night saying it was going to be a power struggle between her and Him but i can honestly say right now that there is no such thing at all. The power is and always has been in His hands since the very beginning. She has no power whatsoever anymore!!!
   Anyways, back to today. I cant believe i finally get to leave this place and head home. I wont be fully home until next weekend, but at least i will be back home with Him. That is the one thought that will get me through this next week is that i will finally be back home again in Master's arms.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

A Long Day for sure....

   Yesterday was one of the longest days of my life if there ever was one. It started at about 530 in the morning and didnt end til about 1115ish at night. Then i had to be up again at 830 this morning for a stupid briefing. Oh well, the good thing is im almost done here so its nothing i have to worry about.
   The morning breakfast started off interesting. I asked for 3 biscuits with gravy and the lady asked me if i was sure because i was tiny. She felt i was too tiny to eat all of that stuff. It was hilarious and i laughed it off. Lets just say yesterday morning i was full of being too cold and just wanting to go back to bed and sleep alittle longer. But no....we had to outprocess medical as a flight. We did all of our outprocessing as a flight yesterday and let me just say i felt sorry for the people in those offices. They are more then likely used to people coming in twos and threes because that is how numerous teams before us have done things, but for some reason thats just not the case with us. My team has to be the special ones and do things the hard way.
   Funny thing is with yesterday i got all my outprocessing done and still had time to come back in here and relax. If it wasnt for us having to be out there for accountability at 1045 to make sure we all ate lunch, i would have been a lot better with things. It was stupid to make sure we all ate as a flight because our instructor said we were on our own. It's time that he lets people become an adult and take care of their own responsibilites. If they dont eat its their own fault because we left with plenty of time for everyone to get things done and then eat.
   Today is going to be even more hectic. Instead of patrolling just one area, we are now going to be patrolling two areas in order to finish our  night operations on time. Its crazy but i cant wait until this is over and my mother is here and i get to go home to Master. Im so ready to be back in His arms again and it is now almost a week away. This time next Friday i will be dreaming about getting ready to go back to Master's house and jump into those arms with my uniform and beret on. I hope He thinks its cute because i cant imagine wearing anything more baggier then what it is now.
   Tomorrow is going to be even more hectic and now i dont even know if i will have time to write with all theyre planning on throwing at us....Gah!!! I just want to scream with all these frustrations. It's so freaking cold and hot and cold and hot. I'm ready for it to finally be one temperature and one temperature only.
   Ugh, enough venting. I have to get my room in order and go grab some food downstairs before it is all gone or i dont get to eat because we have accountability. Gotta love having to eat with like twenty million teams all at the same time. I wonder if i should get some junk food today because i made need the sugar and all or if i should eat healthy???Hmmm...decisions, decisions, decisions. Seem they are never ending with me and always changing to something else. What can i say??Im a female and i tend to change my mind a lot...as im sure thats what this blog is representing today. Although that is probably more from lack of sleep then anything else. My body is saying its tired but i gotta keep going today and to top that off, i get to freeze my butt off until we get on the bus at 10pm tonight.....AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Somebody get me out of here before i break!! Oh wait...i get out of here Friday!! oh well such is life... Will post again when i get somewhat more sleep and can think clearly enough to follow one thought.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Some days you just gotta be free!!

   Today has been one of the most amazing and busy days ever. I have gotten so much done today that i feel proud of myself. Today i did laundry, put my laundry up, packed some more things up, outprocessed from the library, outprocessed from the bx, grabbed food, and went to accountability and moved my car.
   I felt so accomplished that i had taken care of all of these. Master always loves it when i get alot done and i know i had Him somewhat worried because about the time He heard from me was when He should have heard from me. I was safe and sound however, but i have found that being in trouble and not having a car sucks majorly. I had my car but couldnt use it because of some major bull going on here with my instructor. Lets just say my mother was right when she said that there is a target on my back and my instructor isnt happy because the captain made him eat his words about me becasue i fought back. Yet again this goes to what i said last night, i dont care what or who it is...i refuse to go down without a fight.
   The excitement is growing so much in me that i cant stand it. i think that the hyperness is carrying over into my moods. I was talking with Master when i got back from accountability and bouncing all over the walls. I still feel bouncy and i have a feeling that i may get myself into trouble tonight. i dont know how long tonight is going to last...but lets just say i may not be staying at 300 spankings.
   Only 4 more days left until i leave here!!!!!!!!!!!So freaking awesome i cant wait....Today was exciting too because i looked up some apartments for the area where my base is going to be. Its exciting to realize that me and Master will be living in our own place here shortly. So amazing to know...cant wait and the funny thing is apartments down there have a patio with a secret area. I like it, but at the same time i know He will have a lot of fun with me too being able to take me outside and do whatever He wants.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Life sure is a winding road of ups and downs...mostly ups

   Wow...it seems as if im having no luck whatsoever here. There are words that cant even begin to describe the tearing emotions i am feeling right now. My heart feels torn and just broken and everything else. No it is not because me and Master are no longer together....we are still together and still going strong. It's more to do with everything else here that i have had to face and deal with. Life here is rough and it seems to get even rougher everyday.
   This morning started out with a rough morning....Early morning blues inspection can be quite interesting. I passed out last night after staying up a little later after getting off the phone with Master. When i got off the phone with Him, try as i might i just couldnt go to sleep. Not to mention i had two inviting movies just waiting for me to watch them, so i put one in and lay there watching it waiting for sleep to come. Sure enough at the end of the movie sleep came. Anyways, after the movie was over i got up and made sure everything was good and locked the door in our room. The door to our room is not able to be locked during the day because the battery to our card reader is dead. So at night, if my roomie isnt back by a certain time the door gets locked. I am not comfortable at all with random people trampsing through my room in the middle of the night to get to their own room because their locked out or they just want to cut through(and who wouldnt want people in their room in the middle of the night while theyre dead asleep!!).
   So i went to sleep and passed out because yesterday was flat out exhausting. Not to mention i dont really get a lot of sleep during the work week so usually Friday when i go to sleep i end up passing out until my alarm goes off or its at least 0800 in the morning. Anyways....apparently my roomie came back around 0530ish and started banging on the door to be let in. Now i am a heavy sleeper and always have been(Master can attest to this with one dream i had where i ended up fighting with Him) since i was little. I heard nothing...i didnt hear any banging until after i woke up at 0630. She told the ropes that she had been banging on our door for the past hour and half, but she got let in the room at about 0635. She was let in and was almost ready but taking her time. When i walked out of the room this morning at 0644 she was just about ready. We didnt have to be outside until 0700. But lets get back to the banging on the door. Apparently they were banging hard enough that people on the other side heard. I sleep extremely heavy but for people who sleep light, the walls in our room are not sound proof. They are anything but because every morning it sounds like they try to rearrange furniture. So its not hard to wake people on the other side of the building up because of how our walls are.
   So we went to formation and everything and people kept asking me why i didnt let her, why i didnt let her in and i just got tired of it so i ignored it. In all honesty i dont care and dont need to validate anything for them. Not only that, but the girls that were asking were the gossip queens of the flight and the ones that have to have their way all the time. Its their way or the highway pretty much. Anyways...we went back upstairs and my roomie got called over to talk to the instructor. Did i happen to mention that she was probably about ten minutes late to the formation or a little bit later??
   After we let formation, i went upstairs and laid back down hoping to catch some sleep before running out and about the rest of the day. This wasnt going to happen because i got called down to talk to my instructor. There i was basically told i was lying and cant be a heavy sleeper and if so something is wrong. How come i couldnt hear the beating on the door, but yet i can wake up to my alarm clock? how come i didnt answer her when she called me? and all sorts of other things. i was being honest with him when i told him i didnt hear her because i have no problems with her(until now of course) and would have opened the door if i had heard her. He felt that somehow i was getting back at her for something, but i was in no way doing this. So basically yet again i am a liar to my instructor. im made to look like the bad guy in this situation and he feels that im the one carrying drama on the team.
   His decision was made that i lose all my privilages until i can talk to him about coming up with a solution for the problem. i had to figure out a way for my roomie to get into the room to where i will wake her up and let her in. My first thought in this whole thing afterwards was if there is a master key why couldnt she just take her lazy butt there or even drive herself over there and get it and just take it back. It is not hard to do and i have had to do it numerous times. Not to mention what if something was wrong with me??What would have happened then??But yet it is my fault because she chose to show up an hour and a half before an inspection, was locked out and didnt get the key but banged on the door, and that she was missing items on her uniform for the inspection.
   I believe that we were told yesterday all day long that we were going to have a blues inspection and even during the day thursday. Thursday we didnt know the time, but we knew it was coming. In the time that she decided to go out and party, why couldnt she have had her stuff ready and just put it on instead of blaming me because she couldnt get into her room. I know for a fact that she could get into the room, she was just too lazy to go get it. Now im not putting all the blame on her, but it seems fishy that like 20 people can hear banging and not think "oh hey lets go get the master key and she can get in". No it was probably she had some to drink or something along those lines and didnt want to go to the other dorms to get it because somehow she found out they had portable breath tests there. Either way it was played off from her onto me that i was the one in the wrong.
   i feel so saddened and just broken. im normally a strong willed person but it seems that they have broken my spirit here.i used to love, love, love the military and everything it stood for but here they make me think differently. I still love what the military stands for, but at the same time i have a careless attitude when it comes to the instructors and all. I have reached the point where i dont care anymore. Why should i care when it seems that the instructors dont care about me??? They dont care to hear my opinion, they dont care to hear my side of things, and they definitely dont care about what happens to me. I was told this morning that "we're not out to get you, you know that right?" and my response was almost to laugh at him. I really do feel that im not being treated fair at all. It seems to always be the same people saying stuff to  him about me, making me look bad and he just cant make that connection. Somehow though im the one carrying drama on the team and im the one that is the problem for everything.
   Sometimes i feel that my submissive and caring nature are to blames for the situation im in now. The reason i feel that i dont care and just feel broken. My team doesnt even care about me and those that i thought were friends dont even care. The only call from a friend was to ask me if i could take them to the store because i have my car. There was no oh im sorry, do you want to do something. It was well let me know if you need anything which is there way of saying sorry but ive got plans. These people dont care and thats what hurts me. Im so much of a people pleaser and for this to happen where people dont like me and hate me and talk bad about me....it kills me inside. I have NEVER EVER liked it when people hated me or disliked me. That's why it kills me whenever Master has told me that He was upset or disappointed in me. I hate doing that to anyone, but it seems since ive gotten to tech school thats all ive done with people here. For some reason i am the scape goat and the one that blame can be passed onto. Is there some code or some hidden tattoo on me that i cant see that says "hey pin everything on her. shes nice and wont fight back". Where is it because if there is one i need it removed. I'm not one that everything can be pinned on and im feeling my spirit slowly breaking and feeling less and less like a part of this team and job. I mean 91 people looking at you with eyes that could crush your soul, that would kill any persons spirit.
   Being here has been amazing and i cant wait to go home and do my job and just be with Master, but all the troubles that i have faced here and continued to face just seem so insurmountable. I fight to get to the top of one hill, just to find it leads straight up to another even bigger one. Will i ever get a break and will he ever take my word. I mean he learned that i do have integrity with my previous incident that just got cleared up yesterday. I dont know why he wouldnt believe me, but its what he wants to think. All i can say is i hope that he doesnt choose to give me paperwork because then its starting a fire he doesnt want to. i refuse to go down without a fight. That is just not who i am...i know what little fight i have left in me will let me fix this. i will do what it takes to move on and im not going to let them win...i cant and i wont. Now all i need is some food because i cant go anywhere and i didnt get to eat in the dfac....thursday graduation here i come!!

Friday, December 3, 2010

LONG but great day

   Today was an amazing day for the most part. It was a very LONG day but one that i wouldnt change for anything in the world other then a couple things. I also cant believe how much closer it is to me being back home and back in Master's arms. I feel so close, but yet so far away from those arms that i need around me and long to have wrapped around me again.
   So the first part of good news i received today was that my whole fiasco with the LOR was recinded. I guess thats another fancy word for revoked because it is now as if i hadnt gotten into any trouble. The letter i wrote as a rebuttal to my  LOR was really good for the captain to read so i was excited about that. He seemed to really like it and saw things ffrom my point of view. Although after talking with Master and coming to some realizations on my own, i did realize that the way i went about things was a little bit wrong and in the future i will handle something like that quite differently. I am still learning how to deal with things in my own way and the adult way because like i always say, i have had to fight tooth and nail for everything so its different learning that other people will help you get things back if something is taken and all.
   So along that line, i got my phase back tonight as well which means i can wear normal clothes outside of duty hours instead of having to wear my uniform 24/7 being outside my room and not being allowed to have my phone on me. Yesterday when ttaking care of things after duty, it felt like the longest time andi  felt so lost without being able to text Master. Being here, i have found that my phone is the greatest lifeline i have to Him. It helps keep me sane when the world around me is going crazy.
   The last happy thought for today was that we got our orders today. Well, about half of us got them and i wasnt supposed to be in the half that did but somehow i magically got them. Next week is going to go crazy hectic from early morning appointments to take care of outprocessing and late nights to where we have to take care of our duty days. I cant believe my duty days will last until bus pick up at 2200 but it is well worth it to finish up those last two days of doing it to make it to graduation.
   I cant believe graduation is finally here but it was well deserved. I have no lie worked my butt off to get where i am and proved to everyone that i belonged here. Being on the smaller side and not as easily able ot run as others, it seemed that i was weak. I worked hard and showed that yes i may run slow but i can still keep up and i will try my hardest to keep running with everyone else. i refuse to give up and Master knows this character trait all too well(it sometimes rears its ugly head with Him).
   Today has been amazing and tonights errands were well needed. Just to get off base in regular clothes and take care of things that needed to be taken care of was an amazing feeling and long overdue after the trouble ive been having earlier this week. My goal is still and i will continue to do this, is stay in front of the formation so they can see im not an issue and just dont talk unless its part of the process for getting through the day. It makes things easier and i can also make sure that the LOR incident doesnt happen again. It should be good to go. 
   I cant wait until i get home to MAster  because He is in my thoughts so much more its crazy and i didnt even think it was possible. I find myself craving more and more that need for submission. Tonight Master asked me to ask Him to call someone back with saying it for Him. It is hard for me to do, and He knew this, but i feel weird asking and saying Master in public. There is definitely no shame of Him from me at all, but it is a barrier for me to cross. Something that i want to do and yes it may be hard but i can do it. I will get to the point one day where i wont care who hears me asking my Master to make a phone call and get off the phone with Him for a little bit to talk to someone else. Time is scarce with Him on the phone, but i treasure every minute. I just cant wait til the cabin even though i know its going to be torture but also craziness at the same time. Who knows, im sure there will be stories to tell after that weekend at the cabin just the two of us. Only 4 more days!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Blah day!!

   With all the excitement that has been going on lately, i am so happy to report that today was pretty drama free for the most part and quite boring. All we did today was learn how to respond to different alarms and walk around in circles. This is just crazy and i only hope that my real job when i go do it isnt like that.
   Today is Thursday which means a week from today i graduate and am headed home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is no words to describe just how happy and amazing it feels to finally be going home. Yes there are some different circumstances and i feel different, but i hope it goes by fast. It will be such a busy week next week and its almost the weekend, which usually flies by already cause all i do is sleep.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Life's Turns.....

   Today has been a crazy long day and there is just no words to even begin to describe it. My emotional rollar coaster is running rough and ragged. I find myself facing so many ups and downs of life that i cant believe i have made it through them all.
   My last and major test was this morning and i couldnt believe how stressed i was. I knew that this was the hinging factor on whether or not i was going home next week or possibly the week after. It was supposed to be the hardest test ever. The bad thing was that i was seriously considering purposely failing my test just to get away from the other drama that im facing, but i knew that Master would never go for it. He would have killed me on the spot if i had purposely failed a test. Needless to say, i passed the test but i was still being harsh on myself. I felt horrible that i had gotten as low of a score as i did, but Master always feels that as long as i try my hardest that it is acceptable(as long as im passing of course).
   Last night's drama continued into today....i am in the process of rebuking an LOR that i was given from my instructor for a completely bogus reason. It sucks that i have to go through all of this and officially have lost my RAP and have shortened my time with Master and my family. Im fighting it and it is just stressing me out like crazy. All day today i havent been able to eat and just couldnt really drink either. I did when we were told to hydrate, but it wasnt with much enthusiasm. I felt guilty and just so eaten up because i had let Master down. He told me all last night that He wasnt upset with me in any way, but somehow i just feel i majorly screwed up. I just cant explain the way i feel about all of this and just how much i feel i screwed up with all this, even it wasnt totally my fault. Yes, i was in the wrong but it isnt an offense worthy of the punishment i got.
   So today, i pretty much fought to keep myself from losing it. I didnt say anything to anyone and focused on keeping my concentration. I couldnt believe just how crazy it was making me. I have learned to put it aside though that way i could get through the day. My emotions are staying in somewhat check, but after writing my rebuttal i feel loads better. Master was right, taking care of this and at least trying to fight was the best advice i ever got. Now all i get to look forward to is coming home to Him and marrying Him :D I cant believe im getting married and His grandmother has offered to help us find a church and everything. I wonder how much it would be to do something small for just our families??I dont want anything big, just something small that my parents and sis and everyone can come too. I dont know how big He wants though....hnnnn decisions, decisions.
   I hope and pray that these next few days fly by because it has been a torturous past two days. Before long i will be back in Master's arms and getting that spanking that i deserve and have earned despite me wanting to fight it, i know i deserve it. Cant wait to play hide and seek with Him and have Him pin me to the bed and just have His way with me.....yum! Ill leave my thoughts at that for tonight....staying on a positive note.