Wow...it seems as if im having no luck whatsoever here. There are words that cant even begin to describe the tearing emotions i am feeling right now. My heart feels torn and just broken and everything else. No it is not because me and Master are no longer together....we are still together and still going strong. It's more to do with everything else here that i have had to face and deal with. Life here is rough and it seems to get even rougher everyday.
This morning started out with a rough morning....Early morning blues inspection can be quite interesting. I passed out last night after staying up a little later after getting off the phone with Master. When i got off the phone with Him, try as i might i just couldnt go to sleep. Not to mention i had two inviting movies just waiting for me to watch them, so i put one in and lay there watching it waiting for sleep to come. Sure enough at the end of the movie sleep came. Anyways, after the movie was over i got up and made sure everything was good and locked the door in our room. The door to our room is not able to be locked during the day because the battery to our card reader is dead. So at night, if my roomie isnt back by a certain time the door gets locked. I am not comfortable at all with random people trampsing through my room in the middle of the night to get to their own room because their locked out or they just want to cut through(and who wouldnt want people in their room in the middle of the night while theyre dead asleep!!).
So i went to sleep and passed out because yesterday was flat out exhausting. Not to mention i dont really get a lot of sleep during the work week so usually Friday when i go to sleep i end up passing out until my alarm goes off or its at least 0800 in the morning. Anyways....apparently my roomie came back around 0530ish and started banging on the door to be let in. Now i am a heavy sleeper and always have been(Master can attest to this with one dream i had where i ended up fighting with Him) since i was little. I heard nothing...i didnt hear any banging until after i woke up at 0630. She told the ropes that she had been banging on our door for the past hour and half, but she got let in the room at about 0635. She was let in and was almost ready but taking her time. When i walked out of the room this morning at 0644 she was just about ready. We didnt have to be outside until 0700. But lets get back to the banging on the door. Apparently they were banging hard enough that people on the other side heard. I sleep extremely heavy but for people who sleep light, the walls in our room are not sound proof. They are anything but because every morning it sounds like they try to rearrange furniture. So its not hard to wake people on the other side of the building up because of how our walls are.
So we went to formation and everything and people kept asking me why i didnt let her, why i didnt let her in and i just got tired of it so i ignored it. In all honesty i dont care and dont need to validate anything for them. Not only that, but the girls that were asking were the gossip queens of the flight and the ones that have to have their way all the time. Its their way or the highway pretty much. Anyways...we went back upstairs and my roomie got called over to talk to the instructor. Did i happen to mention that she was probably about ten minutes late to the formation or a little bit later??
After we let formation, i went upstairs and laid back down hoping to catch some sleep before running out and about the rest of the day. This wasnt going to happen because i got called down to talk to my instructor. There i was basically told i was lying and cant be a heavy sleeper and if so something is wrong. How come i couldnt hear the beating on the door, but yet i can wake up to my alarm clock? how come i didnt answer her when she called me? and all sorts of other things. i was being honest with him when i told him i didnt hear her because i have no problems with her(until now of course) and would have opened the door if i had heard her. He felt that somehow i was getting back at her for something, but i was in no way doing this. So basically yet again i am a liar to my instructor. im made to look like the bad guy in this situation and he feels that im the one carrying drama on the team.
His decision was made that i lose all my privilages until i can talk to him about coming up with a solution for the problem. i had to figure out a way for my roomie to get into the room to where i will wake her up and let her in. My first thought in this whole thing afterwards was if there is a master key why couldnt she just take her lazy butt there or even drive herself over there and get it and just take it back. It is not hard to do and i have had to do it numerous times. Not to mention what if something was wrong with me??What would have happened then??But yet it is my fault because she chose to show up an hour and a half before an inspection, was locked out and didnt get the key but banged on the door, and that she was missing items on her uniform for the inspection.
I believe that we were told yesterday all day long that we were going to have a blues inspection and even during the day thursday. Thursday we didnt know the time, but we knew it was coming. In the time that she decided to go out and party, why couldnt she have had her stuff ready and just put it on instead of blaming me because she couldnt get into her room. I know for a fact that she could get into the room, she was just too lazy to go get it. Now im not putting all the blame on her, but it seems fishy that like 20 people can hear banging and not think "oh hey lets go get the master key and she can get in". No it was probably she had some to drink or something along those lines and didnt want to go to the other dorms to get it because somehow she found out they had portable breath tests there. Either way it was played off from her onto me that i was the one in the wrong.
i feel so saddened and just broken. im normally a strong willed person but it seems that they have broken my spirit here.i used to love, love, love the military and everything it stood for but here they make me think differently. I still love what the military stands for, but at the same time i have a careless attitude when it comes to the instructors and all. I have reached the point where i dont care anymore. Why should i care when it seems that the instructors dont care about me??? They dont care to hear my opinion, they dont care to hear my side of things, and they definitely dont care about what happens to me. I was told this morning that "we're not out to get you, you know that right?" and my response was almost to laugh at him. I really do feel that im not being treated fair at all. It seems to always be the same people saying stuff to him about me, making me look bad and he just cant make that connection. Somehow though im the one carrying drama on the team and im the one that is the problem for everything.
Sometimes i feel that my submissive and caring nature are to blames for the situation im in now. The reason i feel that i dont care and just feel broken. My team doesnt even care about me and those that i thought were friends dont even care. The only call from a friend was to ask me if i could take them to the store because i have my car. There was no oh im sorry, do you want to do something. It was well let me know if you need anything which is there way of saying sorry but ive got plans. These people dont care and thats what hurts me. Im so much of a people pleaser and for this to happen where people dont like me and hate me and talk bad about me....it kills me inside. I have NEVER EVER liked it when people hated me or disliked me. That's why it kills me whenever Master has told me that He was upset or disappointed in me. I hate doing that to anyone, but it seems since ive gotten to tech school thats all ive done with people here. For some reason i am the scape goat and the one that blame can be passed onto. Is there some code or some hidden tattoo on me that i cant see that says "hey pin everything on her. shes nice and wont fight back". Where is it because if there is one i need it removed. I'm not one that everything can be pinned on and im feeling my spirit slowly breaking and feeling less and less like a part of this team and job. I mean 91 people looking at you with eyes that could crush your soul, that would kill any persons spirit.
Being here has been amazing and i cant wait to go home and do my job and just be with Master, but all the troubles that i have faced here and continued to face just seem so insurmountable. I fight to get to the top of one hill, just to find it leads straight up to another even bigger one. Will i ever get a break and will he ever take my word. I mean he learned that i do have integrity with my previous incident that just got cleared up yesterday. I dont know why he wouldnt believe me, but its what he wants to think. All i can say is i hope that he doesnt choose to give me paperwork because then its starting a fire he doesnt want to. i refuse to go down without a fight. That is just not who i am...i know what little fight i have left in me will let me fix this. i will do what it takes to move on and im not going to let them win...i cant and i wont. Now all i need is some food because i cant go anywhere and i didnt get to eat in the dfac....thursday graduation here i come!!