Thursday, January 27, 2011

Just one of those days....

   Have you ever had one of those days that started out pretty well for the most part and just went down hill?? Well today that just seemed how it went. It went from better to good to sucky to just downright crappy. Ugh, how could that happen?
    The morning started out with checking out this place that is similar to a goodwill. Despite that sterotype, there was a whole bunch of stuff there. Clothes, movies, uniforms, baby clothes, baby toys and shoes, and just anything for the most part there. Pure craziness but i had so much fun and ended up coming out with more stuff for the two babies in my life then me and Master. He thought it was funny and laughed when i sent Him a picture of all the items that i got.
    Lunch time came and went after briefings and it was full of fun. The usual lunch of chicken, fries and oreos was another favorite again today. The good choice of getting food with a drink in a cheap price is a pretty good thing for me. What can i say??? Im a girl that always looks for the bargain for the most part.
   After lunch, we went back to class and had to sit there for more briefings. The most important one and most brutual for me no matter if its made fun or not is the sexual assault topic. Admittedly, my hands were already shaking when she split us up into groups and we worked on coming up with skits showing different varities of a sexual assault and how to go about reporting it. Brushing it off, i figured Master would want me to try to work through it as best as i could. Realizing that someday in the future i was going to have to help someone that had been in the same place i had been, i felt a need to be strong and try to work through it. The acting wasnt the greatest, but thankfully none of the groups went the route that i thought they were going to go. They stuck to a safe and didnt actually show a pretend attack. Things like that, no matter how small tend to trigger my memories sometimes and let's just say its not a fun night after that. But back to the topic.......the main good thing for me to remember is that i made it through the skit. For Master, i conquered it and for myself!!! It seems im stronger when it comes to doing things for Him and me then just for myself.
    Working through the skit, i realized that things were going okay. They werent exactly great, but not amazing either (here is where things started going downhill). Master was talking to me as i went off and went to register my car. Trying to get it registered was a pain and come to find out, i couldnt register it where i tried to, so i had to go to the one close to where the house is. Needless to say, the GPS frustrated me because i couldnt find it but that was later. Squealing into the driveway, i ran into the house and looked through everything trying to find that one piece of paper i needed----my birth certificate. Apprently you need it when you are applying for a new license after your name changes from getting married. Craziness huh?? Well anyways....my phone was left in my car and i am always supposed to have it on me. Master sent me three text messages and i had like four missed phone calls by the time i got back into my car and was in a panic ransacking every compartment to find this piece of paper. Master was not happy and when i saw that text message and heard the tone in His voice and knew how worried i had made Him....my heart sunk. At this point my day was no longer great or even good....it sucked.
    Needless to say, i have a feeling that a punishment is coming in the future for that misthought on my part. Running into the house, the plan was to grab the document and come back down....but it failed. It was like ten minutes or so of me ransacking the house trying to figure out where i put my birth cert. Finding it in the glove box, i breathed a sigh of relief and called Master. Honestly, after the last time i was out of touch with Him i dont expect any sympathy but if it is given i wont complain either. Knowing that my phone is supposed to be on me at all times (unless work doesnt let me have it but that is rare and He knows when that happens) and i didnt follow that rule. Breaking one of the rules of our relationship is a bad idea for me, so i know for sure a punishment is probably coming. If not, id probably ask Master for one because i felt so horrible after. Because knowing that i was on the way home, but not letting Him know that i had made it home.....He probably had every thought going through His head because of me still being on the road to Him. Needless to say, i feel horrible because i caused Him to worry when He shouldnt have been worried.
     The other part of the night that was horrible was that i just dont know when to shut my mouth.Sometimes i can go on and on when it comes to something and i just dont know when to stop. Master was talking about something and i just kept going and next thing i know, the phone was hung up on me. Let's just say it was a big slap in the face. My big mouth gets me in trouble again.....pure craziness. Sometimes i guess i just need to be reminded that yes i can have my opinions and yes i am His submissive and allowed that right, but sometimes i have to know when to quit.
    Is it weird that im wondering how to ask Master to punish me for both of those today or if He even feels theyre punishment worthy. Who knows, im sure that Master will have a decision of His own but i guess i can always ask. You never know....i may get what i ask for and i might not. In all honesty, i kind of crave or feel that i need a really good spanking. Not the kind that sends you into subspace, but the kind that lets you know whats going on. The bare hand on your bottom or the hairbrush....no paint stirrer or strap cause those things are evil but good old fashioned discipline. Curiosity is eating at me thinking on that as to how those will happen once He is down here in the house with me. Will there be a designated corner for me to stand in after He's done spanking me or will i just get my spankings and then be done?? One can never tell with Him. There are all sorts of things running through His mind but all i know is im going to work at trying to communicate the feeling inside me that i crave/need a good spanking (like bare handed and/or hair brush) and just to be put into the corner and made to stand there all red faced, tear stained cheeks and bright red butt. Oh well, i put it in the hands of Master to make His judgement....

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Heart's Love Galore

   Tonight i find myself missing Him more then ever before. It's almost like i wanna cry because i miss Him so bad lonesome feeling. Normally i have no problems at all coping through the week with work and then hanging out and going home, but it seems that it just isnt the case this week.
   All this week, what two days that we have had, i have found myself all alone after work was done and walking into the house that is empty. Granted we have stuff in the house, but it just isnt the same as it would be with Him here and all His belongings. Right now all i can see is my stuff and miss Him so much. It's like my heart is aching for Him so much and im not sure why. In the past i have been able to cope with not being able to see Him by talking with Him, but it seems tonight just isnt the case. Why do i feel like such a failure that these feelings are so overwhelming? Ugh, i just wish it was easier to do.
   The funny thing is i was told yesterday to keep an eye on my husband because it was going to be harder for Him to transition then it would be. Somehow i dont see that as the case. In all honesty, i see myself as the one struggling here. Work lets out and all i do is come home to an empty house. There is no one here for me to go and do things with or just to talk to. He is here for me, but He is a few hours away and quite a few miles. Yes, there is a difference between being here and i could still be back in Texas...but the pain and hurt and aching is still real. How can you miss someone so much when you just left them? Knowing that my heart is aching is reassuring in a way because i know that this really is true love if my heart aches from being away from Him for even a few hours or moments. Going a time without talking to Him is torture for me, but i should get used to it.
   Is it going to be easier when Master finally moves down here?? In my heart the answer i know for sure is yes because either way i look at it, i get to come home to Him everyday. No matter what, unless a family member is sick, He will be here waiting for me when i get home or working. Either way i get to see Him that same day. Whereas right now i only get to see Him on weekends and this past weekend the time spent was very brief due to Him working. There is no blame being placed on Him for working because im sure He hates my work schedule just as much as i didnt like that He had to work this weekend while i was down there. It is a necessity and something to get used on both our ends....each other's work schedule but im finding it so hard.
   How do i communicate with Him just how much i miss Him without seeming needy. Today i wanted to go check out these stores just to have something to do, but my heart wasnt in it. It was pointless because there was no one there to enjoy it with me. It had nothing to do with the fact that i was told no that i couldnt buy anything for the new house yet, it was because i missed Him and hate doing things on my own. Now dont get me wrong im not one of those spineless submissives that just does whatever their told and doesnt have any opinion. My opinions are my own and Master respects them, but this was a case of me being a typical female and not wanting to go somewhere on my own. The thought of going shopping on my own is something i hate if it means that nobody gets to share in the finds that i made. Who knows...this may be a weird thought but to me it makes sense.
   So i guess in all this mumbo jumbo, i am just trying to figure out how i feel. The feeling is weird, but its a good one. This means i really truly do love Him, although i didnt doubt it either way. He is my whole world and i know there will be tougher times ahead then this so i just have to tough it out for a few more days. That first night together Friday night will be so amazing and im looking forward to being able to snuggle and cuddle with Him and just spend time with those that we love. My feelings are one of homesickness and just plain missing everyone. Friday night here i come!!! Those roads better be ready for me cause it will be pedal to the metal to get home as fast as possible!!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Struggles and strife....

   Wow, things here have never been as crazy as they are now. Life is wonderful with trying to plan a wedding and throwing my job in there. How do Master and i ever find time for each other?? That's the major question and all i know is that i miss Him terribly right now. Granted, i know He is missing me just as much as i am Him, but it still sucks.
   This morning was yet another morning that i had to kiss Him goodbye for the morning to not be able to sleep or cuddle or snuggle with Him until Friday night. This new routine sucks and is the hardest thing i have ever had to do. It breaks my heart every morning that i have to kiss Him and hug Him goodbye, knowing that i wont see Him again until Friday night. Life for the two of us hasnt always been easy and throwing in the military lifestyle, i have realized that its just getting harder. My mind wanders daily as to how He is doing and what He's thinking of and if He misses me. It's like the two of us are back to where we first started when we first started talking to each other. There is a weird feeling and i am trying to get used to it.
   Today was the first time i have actually done a little bit of grocery shopping for myself. Before it was when i was still in the college lifestyle and mindset and on a way more limited budget than what i am now. Granted, just because i have all this money to burn, well correction WE have all this money to burn, doesnt mean that i will be just spending it haphazardly. Master has taught me this much, that no matter what you should still live below the means. Not only that, i like the idea of saving money and being a thrifty shopper. He has taught me very well, although sometimes it is a downfall much like Sunday was. Master needed new pants and i recognize that no matter how i balked at the price of the two pairs. The two pairs of pants put together equaled almost a hundred dollars. To a person who is used to living so close to the end of their means, more or less paycheck to paycheck, this shocks me no matter how often it happens. Either way it still shocks me because i will NEVER be used to just being able to throw that kind of money down for a couple pairs of pants, just like the two of us go out to eat a lot together.
   Oh well, life is crazy and hectic but i wouldnt change it for all the money in the world. Master is my heart and soul and knows just what it takes to make me tick. He knows the buttons to push, the ones to leave well enough alone, my biggest fears and secrets, and just everything about me. When people question me about whether or not i felt that i was ready to get married to Him, my answer is always a full hearted yes. People who dont indulge in the lifestyle cant understand just how deep the trsut level is between the two of us. There is no words to describe the level of trust you place in someone who knows how to send you off into mind shattering numbness or even just toy with your mind in general. Not only that you put such a high level of trust in this person to hope that they dont take your trust and throw it back in their face.  You trust not only that they wont send you off into a mindless oblivion, but that they wont physically harm you and just take care of you in every sense of the word. Beginning all these preparations for the wedding and just having to leave Him at the end of every weekend, has made me that much more appreciative of everything my Master does for me.
   This week is going to take a lot of trust and just a lot of getting through things that are boring for me and just bending my nose to the grind. This coming weekend, i cant wait to just relax and be with Master. Life with Him will get back to normal and im sure that i will slide back into my place just as if i never left. Now what i just said doesnt mean that i havent lost my submissive mindset at all. But being as i only get to see Master on the weekends, i feel that i am only a submissive with Him during the weekends. Phone conversations and all of course i am submissive, but i dont feel in touch with it until the weekend comes. I wonder if this is normal?? I dont want to feel like im depending on Him to bring out my submissive side, but i feel that with all the moving and the new lifestyle to get used to with the military is making it harder. I guess i might as well get used to this, but its not going to be easy. My one happy thought is that waiting to see Him each weekend is making the time pass by faster. My thoughts are constantly on making it home to Him and that snuggle and bittersweet kiss and hug. Oh that bear hug :)

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Bliss, Stubborness and what else?

   It seems that life seems to go well for a little bit and then for some reason it just has its up and down days. Sometimes i wonder if things really are like Master says with me....that i'm a good girl when i want to be. Honestly i do try my hardest to be a good girl, but with  my nature it is hard and i have to fight to not mouth off or cuss at bad drivers. Not saying i dont do it, i may just not do it when Master can hear me. Although i really dont swear, i just call them something equivalent to a cuss word in my eyes.
   Anyways...today has been a good day and lately has been good, but between last weekend and this weekend i have realized something is off wtih me. Last weekend i wrote a journal entry(which still needs to be posted) and lets just say i got what i asked for. Talking about wondering if last weekend all i needed was a good spanking, well i got it. But i just dont know. Most of the time i really am a good girl, i think its just i have my moments where my mouth overpowers my brain and the thoughts come out before they process. Most of this is when im focused on something and its like i want to get it done. At the same time i neglect other things around me, whatever they may be and i know this needs to change.
   My life lately has been going amazing, but i wonder if things would be better once Master is officially moved down with me and im not just with Him on the weekends. Dont get me wrong, i love spending my time with Him on the weekends, but i think some how or another it is throwing my body off. My sleep is way off when im away from Him because i have gotten so used to sleeping in the same place as Him, my mind is always on Him and im scared to walk into a house all by myself. It's just weird and being a girl, i definitely dont eat by myself and if i do its fast food at the house watching a movie. But anyways.....i keep saying that there are so many things that i have to change, but i wonder what they all are. It seems that i find one thing and get it pinned down what i need to do and another pops up. Wondering what is up with things, but thats just me.
   Master is my life and my world and i hate disappointing Him in any way. He guides me and punishes me when i have done wrong and believe me i know when ive done wrong. There is no room for manuevering when He has made up His mind on a punishment or lecture or whatever He decides to do. With the popups that have happened these past couple weeks, i feel that i have let Master down. There has been no change in the person i was before i left and the person now, its just struggling to deal with me being that person with all the new things around me. Stressing out is something that i do often and it usually gets to me. Lately the stress of planning the wedding and trying to make sure certain key people are there and dealing with family...i feel that has shifted onto Master. How do i apologize to someone for pushing these feelings on them when they havent done anything to you?? How do i tell Master that i am so sorry that i am letting all this affect me as much as it is? There are just no words and i feel that is all i have done lately. He has told me time and again that He is in this for the long haul and a part of me is afraid that if i keep screwing up, He will question if the submissive wife He married is the same submissive girl He knew before i left for basic. That in all honesty is my biggest fear....among the fears of my job but He knows these. How do you voice these fears to the one you love the most and hope that they dont throw them back in your face?? Master would never throw it in my face so i dont have that to worry about, but i do worry about how to bring up these feelings that i have noticed tonight?
    Attitude, mouthiness, sarcasticness, whatever i have that is negative or bad is something that i am aiming to get rid of. There were a few of those that i thought were done with and over and had been cured before i left, but it seems they havent. Am i wrong or do i feel there is so much more i crave?? There is so much more i crave, but i know that in the future those things listed above have no place in our relationship whether relating to vanilla world or the lifestyle. There is no place at all for them. My sarcasm has been curbed and to my knowledge hasnt come out unless Master has encouraged it but my attitude it seems makes itself known. Looking at the moments when they happen, i feel like such a brat. Knowing what happens, i dont feel like a spoiled brat, just a brat. Tasks i feel that have to be done and i get upset if theyre not done when i want them to be. Shouldnt it be the other way around and i should get upset if theyre not done when He wants them to be done??? Honestly it should be the other way around and i dont know how to flip my switch to get it that way. This wedding preparation has me irked and i want to make sure it goes off without a hitch, but there is a price im paying and i dont want to pay it anymore. It is affecting my submission and my relationship with Master to where im relapsing to old ways that He has already cured and taught me not to do. Maybe its my rebellious side coming out and saying it wants a spanking or the dominated feeling, but i know for myself i dont need that because i know its there. Whatever the case, i know He is there and i need to share with Him that i just feel i want these to be done just how He would like them done and not how i want them. My aim is for everything to be as perfect as possible.
   So thinking back to the beginning of our relationship and the punishment and sex and everything. Is it the same as it was then, not as much but better. Its better then it was before and believe me the punishments now surely keep me in check and i know where my place is all the time. Sheer wonder voices in my head of if i want more or what i want with this and my bratty moments. Reading other places it seems that me being bratty could be a way of asking for more, but i dont see that. My happiness is complete here. My body is always wet and waiting for Master. He is on my mind and my pussy aches and throbs for Him constantly. Just tonight i had to change out of my jeans because they were soaking wet from my soaking pussy. He had been playing with me and teasing me all day and just being around Him makes me so hot and wet. But i still havent quit worked out how to share it with Him when i notice this.
    Spankings for me are punishment, but sometimes i wonder if there is worse in His head??? Who knows, but im sure that His thoughts involve a lot of things and He shouldnt have to constantly punish me. Not sure if i wanna know His other thoughts either. My new thoughts are wondering if it is possible to have time every night or every so often in position because it makes me feel extremely submissive and i love the feelings it creates in me when im in position. It feels natural for me to be there and lately ive noticed that my knees arent as bad with it as i thought. Honestly i thought they would be worse, but i think theyre bad only if im in position for like the 30 minutes i had one time for punishment. Anyways, i think im going to go on a self searching mission to find that side of me that Master knew before i left. The lil one that was so eager to learn and had her moments but for the most part obeyed very well cause it seems lately im not obeying well at all.
   Wish me luck as i go on this mission. Hopefully Master has some insight and can help me pinpoint where i can improve because i honestly want to know. There is a plan to ask Him later tonight on when i can approve, which hopefully are things that i can do. All i know is one thing is to not let my pissy side get to me and transfer into things with Him because He is always there for me and on my side of everything.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

What a blessing in disguise

   These past few days have honestly been bliss in and of itself. My job is the type that you dont often get a day off. Especially considering i am now officially one of those "essential personnel" that must be out on the roadways when the weather gets bad. Never before have i truly questioned whether or not i have done the right career, then now. Its not all the blazing glory that it is made out to be and believe me, leaving Master tomorrow morning is going to be the hardest thing ever and i will probably be bawling my eyes out not even halfway down the road.
   Snow days are fun and a lot can be done, but lately i feel that all that has been focused on has been getting wedding preparations done and it's crazy because there is planning this wedding for our family and friends. There are so many different traditions that both of us didnt know about that have to be included into our wedding and i honestly just feel like this is never going to happen and trying to coordinate dress shopping and everything else is going to be a nightmare. Anyways....it was interesting looking up things for me and Master to put on our registry. Never before have i known just how complicated planning a wedding can be. Thankfully Master is the one in charge of the money and is helping me realize that its not as stressful as im making it out to be.
   The snow and ice left a lot of people stranded and a lot of businesses were closed the past couple days. Master and i braved it tonight and ended up finding a new place to eat that i think is going to work out very well for us. It was a great wing place and He also got a great sandwich. Oh my goodness was it mouthwatering when i tasted it. After getting back home the two of us grabbed our food and began to chow down. The two of us came back in after going and getting seconds on the wings, but Master ran out of drink. He looked over at me and handed me the cup to go get Him a drink, but my emotions and reactions were anything short of what a spoiled brat would react. (That's my wording and not His there). He said later that i looked at Him like "who are you asking me to get you something to drink when i just sat down" type look. Talking with Master i profusely apologized because i really didnt mean to look at Him that way but if that's how He saw it, then that is how it was. My reaction is that of a spoiled brat and i think i honestly got too comfortable. The last time Master punished me was a short while ago and He even made the comment earlier today that it has been a while since He has spanked me.
   Going back to an old topic that the two of us have talked about, i'm beginning to wonder if i should bring up the topic of maintenance spankings. It's not so much that i like the idea of having a spanking or getting one every so often, but i find that my mind craves it and needs it. This morning Master showed His dominance over me, grabbing my throat and using His fingers for His pleasure and not mine. There had to have been at least four or five orgasms that He let me have, but back to the topic. He took my body and made it do what He wanted and when He wanted. It seemed that i was trying to resist because it was just i guess i didnt feel like it or i dont even really know what it was. It was just i didnt want to feel them just yet, but at the same time i did. My feelings get to where they overpower my mindset that tells me where my place is. Now dont get me wrong, i most definitely know where my place is but i felt really reminded of it with a hand around my throat and Master's fingers fucking my pussy mercilessly while being denied the ability to cum.
   Reading a story last night on a website about these three drill sergeants that spanked a recruit, i found myself wanting to ask Master for something like that. Would He be shocked that id ask Him for a spanking? Especially since im not what ive heard is a pain slut. My body seems to like the spankings that He has given me, but my mind says otherwise. Honestly, im not sure if maybe it is because He is showing His dominance over me by spanking me and letting me know who is in charge or the spanking that turns me on, but my mind screams in pain everytime i get hit with the brush or the paint stirrer(i curse home depot for making some toys free to acquire). But back to the story at hand....the three each spanked the girl as she bawled her eyes out, begging them to stop and i found myself wondering if i had ever faced a spanking that bad. Admittedly, my one punishment from where i was late in talking to Him and caused Him to worry came close, but it wasnt anything close to what she was experiencing in the story. They each spanked her butt hard until it was extremely red and for at least ten minutes apiece. Ten minutes of straight spanking...just the thought of that makes me massage my cheeks and wish that i never face that. Yet, i find myself half wanting to ask Master for a spanking that bad to remind me of my place.
   Looking back on some memories from my past spankings that i received before i left, i find myself craving a spanking like one of my punishment ones. Master had me up against the door to where there was no relief and no place to hide. The brush kept raining down hits and then periodically Master would stop hitting my aching butt and use the hadnle of the brush to fuck His pussy. He was truly showing His dominance and made me feel humiliated that i was finding pleasure in being fucked with the brush handle, but ashamed and being punished. After finishing the spanking, Master had me stand there for a few minutes before i could finally pull my pants back up. Secretly, i wonder if something like that would bring me back to reality. There is just something missing with me and i think something like this will jar me back. There is just no room for screwing up anymore in my mind (which may be me holding myself to a higher standard).
   Reading stories and thinking on my own, i have found that there is a new level of things that i have an idea when it comes to punishment, but i know that this is always up to Master. He is the ultimate decision maker when it comes to those type things, which is a no brainer because He is of course the Master in this relationship. I find myself wondering if maybe i would be jarred or it would hit a lot closer to home and stick with me more (much like my punishment that i faced for my smart mouth-----30 minutes in position left me not doing that much anymore without Master okaying it). Sometimes my body just needs extra reminders. He is always in control and i know this, but maybe there is a need for a reminder??? Would it help if i was to stand in the corner with my rosy red butt on display for Him??? Would it work for me to have to sit in a position of His choosing with no clothes on and not being able to watch tv and on a rosy red butt that is sore from a hard spanking?? Who knows....the ultimate decision is always up to Master to decide what punishment is best for me and He does encourage me to be open with Him....but i cant help but wonder if one of these would work. Or even the corner time we had talked about with holding a coin against the wall....i know He has a lot of evil ideas and i feel that lately i have just been such a bad girl. Not really taking care of Him and most especially with the look i gave Him tonight. Is it weird to ask for punishment???
   Who knows what is weird and what isnt when it comes to this lifestyle. All i know is that life with Master so far has been filled with ups and downs and there are so many emotions with it. There is no other person that i would want to spend it with other then Him though because He is the answer to my prayers. He knows just what i need and when. Sometimes my needs have to be spoken, but He always listens to me. My only hope is that He can understand these things that im craving and not think of them as weird. But oh well....things with Him arent determined by me but by Him. Would i be able to hint a few things that id like Him to try more of or do more of?? The only way i can find out is by asking :)

Saturday, January 8, 2011

As life passes by....

Today I find myself watching my husband doing His job and watching Him its amazing to watch. Maybe it's the love for Him talking here, but I can tell He likes this job and it keeps Him close to what He loves.
Master is an amazing man which is one of the many reasons I love Him. There are so many reasons that I love Him that just trying to state them all or even a few would take forever. watching Him move and everything for His job is a beauty in itself.
I find myself thinking how lucky am I to have such a man as my Master and husband?? How did I get so lucky?? the two of us have thought many times that there is something going on beyond us but either way I am not complaining. Master is my whole world and I count my blessings everyday for Him last night.
We haven't even been married long but things have been rocky somewhat but at the same time its been great. Everyday that has been stressful has been equally unstressful. He knows just how to calm me down after a day where everything seems to be going wrong (much like yesterday was for me----explain a little later). Master always knows exactly what to say to calm me down or just spends time with me. We have been through sickness as He took care of me after I puked my guts out to just cuddling with me and tickling me.
The future is bright because Master makes me so thankful each and everyday. If I'm upset, I'm not upset long before He is digging to find out why. We have a new house and I have an amazing new job. In the past I would have been scared to start this new future, but taking one look at Him and I know that all will be okay. There are so many little things He does that I'm not sure if He even knows it that put me back where I belong.
He laughs at me everytime Mama's Song by carrie comes on, but it honestly is how I feel about Him. He laughs and says He isn't good cause He's bad(which He is bad and evil at times and good others but mostly good), but He is good in the terms of the song. He is the only man that I have ever truly loved. I thought it was before but our relationship made me realize it wasn't at all. I just had a strong like for them. Love is when you have to leave the bed at four in the morning for work and you haven't even left town and are already missing them. Its saying goodbye, knowing you'll see them soon, but your heart still hurts cause you're still hurts from having to say goodbye. He really is the man of my dreams and has never once said He was going to do something and not done it(although on some of the punishments I wish He hadn't but am glad He did it). He is a man of His word and is perfect for this lil one.
The future is amazing with plans for an actual wedding and I can't believe all there is that goes with it from making a guest list to picking out the dress to where it will be. I feel sometimes that all the chaos of worrying about that and also working on making Him happy and pleasing Him and my job that it all gets jumbled. Sometimes I get too focused on one thing and forget to focus on something that He told me to do. I know this won't happen again but I still feel horrible when I do it.
I only hope that Master knows just how much I love Him. There is just so many times you can say it(millions of times) in a day but I feel so much more should be said. He is the only man I have ever felt comfortable going back to my room(our room in our case) after drinking. The other night I was allowed a few drinks and Master was amazing. But I love Him so much and hope He can see. Every moment spent away from Him I'm not truly away...I'm always right there with Him much like today.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Why do I feel this way??

It seems life is always going amazing at points but for some reason I don't find myself happy. I don't even know why that is....its not like me at all. I am truly happy for everything happening but I think in all honesty I'm scared at the same time.
Master told me last night that it seems like everything is happening so fast and I think today it finally hit me as to just how fast it really is. I mean we're married and just signed the lease for our first house/apartment. Under normal circumstances even the normal person would be happy...but I'm not. Why?? Why am I not having the normal reaction here???
Lately my thoughts have gone to the bills we have to pay and what gets paid when and how much we'll have left from each check and that's not counting little things that pop up. On top of that we don't really have any furniture at all for our place other then a couple dressers,a bed, and a tv. Wow...I mean I should be excited we have our own place to do as we wish now and for us to be who we are freely with no worries but yet I worry.
My life before Master was full of me fighting and scrounging for every cent that I had and to make sure my bills got paid. To put it mildly I was struggling to stay alive. Master is more then amazing when it comes to money and has helped me curb my bad spending habits, but I can't help but feel that fighting attitude surface especially when I think about all the bills to be paid. Maybe its my head's reaction to fight but I feel shocked. We are doing well and the bills are getting paid like they should so why do I even worry the slightest???
I wish I knew the answer to this. I only hope my worries and anxieties on things don't cause Master to second guess things. When I worry about money despite Him telling me we will be okay is just my response. I guess its mainly because I'm afraid of going back to having to scrounge and fight for it all and just struggle. That's highly unlikely to happen but for some reason my brain thinks it could happen. Now how do I conquer this is what I want to know because I don't want to be at the point where He constantly has to reassure me we are fine.
My worries are logical in my brain while on paper they just seem foolish. If things really are fine and taken care of...then why worry??? Who knows in all honesty with me. I swear at times I'm not wired right. But I'm going to continue pressing on and hope that Master understands my reactions in these situations is more not wanting to repeat my past then not trusting Him and that He has it all taken care of. Maybe its time I should do like they always tell you in church.....just let go of what is holding me back and just wholely trust that everything will work out and Master will make sure of that.
Master is my heart and soul and I trust Him. Sometimes its hard for me to sit idly by and just do as told and He knows it,but I'm working on it. I wonder if this is a test of whether I can fully trust Him and His judgment. If it is, I failed horribly but I'm determined not to give up yet. I'm too hard headed and stubborn to give up the fight so easily. I love Master and I want to show Him that I can not worry about everything and completely trust Him. For now its putting my words into actions....I wonder how this will go?? Who knows but its worth the fight for sure because Master deserves it and its not just for me but Him too.