Monday, February 28, 2011

What in the world??

What in the world is happening to me??i feel like my emotions are running around rampant and my body is doing things it has never done before. A lot of this scares me and i want to brush it away, especially after today but i cant.
My body leaves me with a one day period, not even really.. Then it decides to show me what it feels like when you feel like you're falling. I then felt nauseous and then fine and then nauseous and then fine. Followed with an upset stomach.
I feel like my emotions are on a weird cycle and have let my mouth run free. My comments have stayed in check but lately it seems they just flow out. Is it all the stress or work or my eating?? Theres no telling....oh i forgot to add the extra stress and worry about my knee and whether or not i'll need surgery for it. Thats my biggest fear is i'll lose my job and all i've worked so hard for.
I feel horrible and so guilt ridden everytime Master gives me that look and then just gets quiet. It kills me. I'm not meaning to just snap like i do or get aggravated when all He is doing is making a suggestion or comment. He is doing nothing but helping and i chew His head off. He doesnt deserve any of this....sometimes i wanna just lock myself away and maybe then i'll be fine but it wouldnt solve anything. So for now i have to deal with my actions...maybe meaning no more talking for me.. I just dont know what to do..
My emotions run rampant and my heart is filled with guilt. I cry my tears silently because i know i brought this on myself. I love you Master and im sorry :( please forgive me because this time i cant forgive myself For getting frustrated with you for no reason. Life with you is amazing and i love it but i guess sometimes i hide things inside too long. Please forgive me cause my stresses are too much to bear alone. Please help me realize its okay that i can trust it will all be alright. I trust it but i sometimes dont trust myself and i need to learn to do that. So please forgive me for now im working hard to be your lil one and keep things running smoothly.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

A Thoughtful Topic for Master

   Trying to focus on her work, she finds it hard to do. All this knowledge she must know and it seems like it just wont fit. She tries to bury her nose back into her notes, but its just not working. Her brain is on overload and is crying out for a break badly.
   Would He be mad at her for not finishing it all? She hoped not. It had started out as a goal for herself to finish them to show Him what all she had accomplished today. Her brain still cries out "no more!" as she longs to just be at home. Her work is wearing her out more then she ever thought possible. After today, her body is screaming for relaxation.
   Her notes are important but she finds herself reassuring herself that she has a little bit of time to get everything together before she has to start studying. Her timeline is forty or so days at least until she tests, so why is she worried about it. Thinking about it, she realizes it is because she doesnt want to fail. To her failing is like the ultimate failure and let down. Feeling that how she was raised and always being told that you had to be perfect or this and that wasnt good. Knowing He doesnt expect perfection is a sigh of relief, but she still tries to be for Him.
   He has never once expected her to be something she wasnt and she knew He wouldnt change that. He has no problem at all understanding her. The one man she had been looking for all her life and she had found by accident almost. Her life without Him would never be the same and she knows He feels the same about her. Life has a way of throwing obstacles in your way and with the two it was not going to be any different. She turned to Him for support as one of the most special people in her life passed. How could a man know exactly what to say and what to do in a time like that? Simple...He had been there almost a year before with a man who seems to still be talking through his boys.
   Almost a year ago, He was in the darkest time of His life. He just had to face the worst thing possible--the death of His father. How does someone get through everyday when the man who was your role model had passed away? She doesnt know how He did it, but after all the stories from family, she is glad it didnt end up worse. Times happen when He gets that look in  His eyes and she can tell He is thinking of His father. Thinking to herself, she always wonders what to do? Leave Him alone? No, He usually only gets where He wants to be left alone when He is mad. This is different. So what should she do because lately she feels helpless with those moments. Maybe one day she will ask Him.
   Hearing stories of the man that raised Him and things He used to do and say sometimes bring tears to her eyes. This man she never met is a lot like the man who lays beside her every night. This amazing man seemed like the perfect vision of a superhero dad she had always wished for in her dreams. In her prayers every night, she thanks the man above for blessing Him with an amazing father and coach. He raised a polite, confident, responsible man in today's world, which is hard to come by anymore. She wishes she could tell him thank you for raising three well mannered, caring, and respectful men, not just her Master. Even though it isnt possible in person, she knows His father knows and would be happy his son is doing so well.
   His family is the place she feels she belongs. She knows  His father was an amazing dad and man. Thinking of their future, she knows there are no fears whatsoever if He will make a good father. He is so much like His father, but different in His own way too. Whether our kids are a mixture of girls and boys or one of each, she can see Him being right there to catch them when they fall or dry their eyes when they cry over a lost crush. He is sweet and smart adn always knows just what to say when the time is right. He will be a perfect dad, she has no doubt.
   Growing up in her family wasnt easy, especially with how her parents would act and she was the baby. Her parents always told her that what she did wasnt good enough. In school, she was taught that as long as you gave your all into whatever you were doing that you had done well. It is kind of funny that her mom would teach the same thing at Girl Scouts, but she didnt do it with her own daughter. From the age of eight, she knew how to cook a juicy roast, make breaded pork chops, mix up a mouth watering meatloaf and on and on. Living with her parents had merely taught her how to be self-sufficient. They hadnt taught her anything important, except how to forgive people.
   Relationships with them breathing down her back meant none of them would ever last, or so she thought. Seeking for someone that was out there who matched waht she wanted and was a good enoguh man was hard in and of itself. However, you add into that crazy mixture someone who was willing to take control from her. All her life xhe had to constantly fight for control of everything, otherwise she was going to end up losing herself. Her first adventure into this brave ner world was quite an adventure. This wannabe promised her things that no man ever could before. But she knew there was a bigger pool out there for her to fish in.
   The more she fished around with the first wannabe by message, the more she realized that he was a loser and wasnt what she was looking for. He wasnt wanting to take into account that she did have an opinion about some things and she was going to be able to share it. She wasnt a doormat to just lay there and not use the brain she was given. The good thing was this wannabe had her create a profile (later deleted after she "lost" his number) on one of the best sites out there. To her it was the magical world of never ending possibilities. She could pick where He was from, what age, what nationality and more. The new world that she found herself diving into was an amazing one full of promise and amazement. Before long she realized this wasnt completely true.
   The fish werent biting and those that were, 90% of them didnt even deserve a response back. Somehow she had found His profile and decided to take a chance and message Him. Her search had led her outside. the state, but she wanted someone who was not going to treat her as a doormat. Something about His profile drew her in. He was from Georgia and not too far from her. He had pictures that seemed so different then all the others. There was no boasting of this or that anywhere on His profile. Hoping things were real and she wasnt dreaming, she sent Him a message asking if He would like to talk. It was simple and if He didnt want to He could delete it or send her a mean message back to her like others had.
    He was anything but mean and the two of them started trading messages over this sit they had met on. All of a suddent, she quit talking. Between finals and working her two jobs, she was exhausted. She logged on one day and went through deleting old messages from all those that were talking to her and just stopped. One set of messages went into the trash that never should have, but it seemed fate was on their side. The two were meant to be together, they just didnt know it yet.
   Working through the new semester that started up, she wondered if maybe she should have someone teach her a few things. Life was crazy rough as she had to quit school and work full time to support herself and she was in the process of enlisting. Who would honestly want to start anything with anyone with all this going on? That was too much of a budren to throw on them. She didnt think it was fair. She got to know a guy who agreed to help her, but she wasnt satisfied so she kept looking for Him. She knew He was out there somewhere. Working with her friend, she found this way of life was what she really wanted and she craved it. She didnt want it a few hours at a time, she wanted it all the time.
   Before long, she realized it was a little late to try to start anything with her leaving soon. Much to her surprise, fate had other plans. Going through profiles of people who lived close by, she took a chance and decided to message this one guy. Yet again there was something about His profile and it had her stuck on it. She didnt know what it was so she sent Him a message. She laughs looking back on the message still because it was the same one she sent when they started talking the first time. It was a simple question if He would like to talk. Unsure of the response she would get, she logged off for the night.
   A few days later, when she finally had mail from Him, He was fine with talking with her some more. It seemed neither one of them remembered talking to each other previously until later. Their talking was going over so well so she asked if He wanted to start talking on an instant messenger. It didnt show her real name, but she didnt care about that aspect with Him. There was something different, but she just couldnt place what it was. As time progressed, she grew so comfortable. Finally one night, it was brought up that He hadnt seen her yet so she answered that request pretty fast. Within seconds, they were talking on Skype and she knew there was something different about Him. She wasnt afraid to reveal herself to Him like she had been before. Somehow she knew from that moment she was in love.
   Work the next day seemed to fly by as she chatted with Him. There was just that feeling. Butterflies flew all around her stomach as she heard Him say He felt the same way. He even told her how a coworker had mentioned there was something different about Him. A light to a face that used to be dark. Little did shse know, but He was the light in her darkest hour, just like she was His. He taught her how to trust and was there in her corner when her parents threatened to make her world cave in. He calmed her stormy seas, much like she hopes she did His. Before long, she was His in mind, body, and soul. He had taken her and made her His lil one. He was the one who was going to right her when she did wrong, praise her when she did well, and just be there when she needed a shoulder to cry on.
   Looking back now, she realizes that fate has a way of making things work out the way they are supposed to, but they happen in their own time. Not dwelling on it long, she realizes just how lucky she is to have Him in her life and that His father raised Him to be the man of her dreams and everything she wants Him to be.
   The future she thinks is going to be crazy hectic and filled with so many more ups and downs. She isnt afraid one bit because she knows that no matter what, He will always be there behind her to cheer her on or to catch her when she falls. There will be stubborn moments and frustrating moments, but their love has stood the tests so far, she has no doubt that it will in the future too.






Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Such a wonderful new future

   As i write this, i am in the process of cooking our first actual meal in the new house!! Crazy that im such a multitasker, but it is still amazing nonetheless. Being able to go grocery shoppijng and planning out meals for not just one person anymore is an amazing feat in and of itself. It is cute watching Him standing at the counter beside me peeling potatoes and helping me with dinner as we make it. I still cant believe how lucky i am to have found such a loving Master.....crazy that He was so comforting and just understanding especially after today....
   Posting on a sad note, today is my the day of my grandmother's funeral. The thought still hasnt occured to me that she has passed away, but thankfully Master is there to distract me enough and keep me occupied to the point where i dont dwell on it too much. She is gone, but her memory with me still remains. Last night, i flipped out because i couldnt remember what her face looked like. i'm sure ill have those days, but for now i take it as they come.
   Going back to cooking dinner, i should probably get back to it. Will post more later tonight after dinner.

Friday, February 11, 2011

New Life, New Home, New Me, Same old Family....

   Wow, what a wonderful message to get on my profile when i log onto my favorite social website today. Recently we had a death in the family and it has affected me more then what i thought. Granted it was someone close to me, but not extremely close it still affected me. My grandmother's passing affected me a lot i will admit, but looking at everyone around me (mainly Master's family) i realize just how much im loved and how she would want me to be happy.
    Our life is starting out amazing together. The first apartment we got was just a bad living situation for us with noisy neighbors, people trying to break into the car, and just not a safe neighborhood area. The bad part that i realize now that i think about it is that a lot of people knew the area where we got our old apartment was a bad place to live, but not once did anyone tell us not to go there. It was suggested that if there wasnt anything close to the base, then there would be something close to the nearest big city. Well, it was close but it wasnt safe. Oh well, you live and you learn i guess and this was our learning experience. Needless to say, we got a newer and better place to live. We are now living in a two bedroom, one bath house with a huge kitchen. Although we dont have a lot to fill it with, that is something we can work on. The two of us just started out together and i wouldnt expect us to have everything to fill a house.
   Speaking of us just starting out our life together, i cant believe that Master and i have been married for almost two months now. The two of us were talking about it and i cant believe it either way. The two of us together is just like we are the best of friends. It's not like anything changed between us. He is my best and closest friend and is always there for me. The first person i turned to after getting the news was Master because He knew exactly how i was feeling. There are torn feelings for asking Him to help me get through this especially around this time of year because it being so close to His father's passing. His father is a man that i have heard so much about and only wish i had been able to get to know him. There are things that Master says or does and it is just like what they say His father did. It's crazy...but we both have realized we met for a reason, especially since my birthday was the day after his funeral and a couple other dates match up to crazy coincidence. Anyways, Master has been there for me from the beginning. Always fighting in my corner and lately it seems that i have been shoving myself further and further into that corner.
   With all that has happened, my emotions suddenly became raw and i felt trapped. Not so much trapped that there was no way out, but trapped in that all my emotions were coming at once and i just didnt know what to do. Turning to Master, i leaned onto His shoulder and got amazing support. He rubbed my back and just comforted me, letting me know He was there. There is no other way to describe how loving and just out of this world amazing that a guy can be when something like this happens. With all my family situation, He has been nothing but understanding. Which brings me back to the lovely message i got when i checked my profile. There was a message from my mother telling me not to post anything else about the whole situation with my grandmother because my father wanted to keep things private. No offense, but being as far away from any of my family as i am and just having Master to support me, i turned to that for my comfort. It is another way of me grieving and she couldnt see that. The whole reason my parents want it to be private is because my father is getting surgery done and my mother has decided to stay by his side instead of going to the funeral. Believe me, her work would completely understand if she left and went to where my grandmother's funeral is going to be held. But no!!!
   Yet again going back to me being the child, it is my responsibility to bear everything. Master and i have talked about this numerous times again and despite having a wedding coming up, i understand she is grieving but this is just unacceptable to me. There is no way that i can just sit by and let this go!! Who am i to be the one to play secret keeper for the family?? Its not my place and nor is it my responsibility to hide the reasons why my father is different or couldnt be there. Sad to say this is one of the reasons for not going to the funeral, although i had my own reasons that werent that. It was a sub reason that i realized later after someone else voiced this too. Since my dad has let loose that he doesnt feel like who he is and was planning on getting this reconstructive surgery, my thought processes were pretty much equivalent to "whatever" as my response. It wasnt until i had to start altering how i talked to people or what i said to people because of him that i got frustrated. It is not my place to judge how to tell people or even hide it from people. Now when it came to Master that was my doing because He is in my life, but just other family members it isnt my place to hide things. If he hasnt told them by now, they will know because im not hiding anything at my wedding just for him. That being said, my moms message has put me into a bad mood so to speak because i feel she is wrong in asking me to keep things private based on this.
   Anyways, it seems that life gets more complicated, but if it wasnt for Master i would be making this decision a whole lot easier on myself. Yes i want my family to be at my wedding, but if their behavior is going to continue at such then i will be removing them from the guest list. There is no getting out of it this time. It may cause a bad reaction in the family, but i dont need to justify anything to anyone other then Master. He is the only person that has been there from day one since i met Him and has asked for nothing else in return except honesty. He doesnt put on another face for everyone around Him or expect me to be two different people around everyone. That doesnt happen!!!!! I refuse to conform anymore for my parents!!!!! It is my life now and im living it with Master!!! They dont like any of it or how im doing things they can get over it. I'm done playing cater to everyone else's needs and desires. There is only one other person besides me that i need to worry about when it comes to needs, desires, and wants and that is Master. He is my Master and i must pay attention to those and take care of them.
   Life it seems gets crazy hectic and is about to get even crazier, but i know that no matter what happens it will be okay. My knee is getting checked out and Master isnt worried about it, so i wont worry about it. My health is amazing and so is Master's. There's nothing else better that we can ask for other then a healthy family in the future, but that is a good way in teh future. Until then the two of us are going to keep working on things side by side and ill rely on His family when i need family because it seems they are the only ones who have been there for me as well from before i left for the military to my coming home. Kinda sad when i have to say that but its the truth.  Cant wait to see what the future holds, but it looks amazing to me as long as i have Master. Who knows....i think i may ask Master to please give me a spanking tonight and just use me and abuse me because i have that feeling that i need to know im His. There is that feeling of needing to be dominanted and controled. Call me crazy, but with all this craziness happening, it is the one thing that keeps me stable is knowing He is in control and that He holds the power. ( i do know this, but those things reassure me that much more and sometimes more then words are that much more reassuring)

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Pain and an emotional Loss...

   Right now i must sadly admit that i am at a loss for words. My emotions are all over the place and i feel confused and unsure. To put it honestly this song sums up my feelings at this moment...the most important part is towards the very end of the song when it talks about "her every breath is weaker then the last.....what do you say in a moment like this?/" Really that is my question, what do you say in a moment like this? When you really cant find the words to express just what is going on inside your head and the emotions you're feeling?? This video expresses it all and i will always think of my grandmother when i hear it. I love her so much and hope to see her one day in heaven. She was one of the few people in my life that i wish i had more time to spend with, but things happen for a reason. My goal is that each day i live to make her happy and keep her memory alive.

   After a long day of appointments and the hustle and bustle around, my mind is just reeling. Coming home to Master was the number one comfort that i had to look forward to. Thats not to say that i didnt enjoy it when i came home to Master but i did. He has always been there for me and tonight is nothing different. It seems that my functioning has been reduced to just merely doing this or that. Well sort of....its like i can think but i cant think at all.
    My every thought is on i should have done this or i should have done that. Theres the thought of what would happen if i had called and checked up on her? What if are all running through my head...but Master cancels them out. Well Him and my parents were reassuring me that she is happy and hearing from my dad that she talked about me all the time and that she was proud of me. It is an amazing feeling and is somewhat reassuring to me just how much she was proud of me and knew that i was happy and getting married(long story there). My thoughts were all of how she was in a happy place, but the news is still a shock.
    New topic.......sorry off a depressing topic. The other thing today was that Master has had His lil one all wound up and wired today. Between xray positions(lets just say taking an xray of my knee the doctor had me in a position i was very familiar with---hands and knees) and being played with to the point of being turned on then just stopped...His lil one was left wanting much more. Needless to say the thoughts have been nothing but that today aside from the news i just got. Anyways....its not that im a slut or that i want to seem so needy, but knowing that im turned on just for Master is a comforting thought. Is it sad that i am sad of the news of my grandmother passing that i find myself wanting to move on and just lay and snuggle with Master? Its not that im being insensitive, but i think that is honestly my mechanism for dealing with shocking news. There is no processing of it, there is just pushing it to the side. Thats what happened with my assaults from the past. There was no processing of anything.....i wonder if thats a fault in my functioning skills but who knows im just going to cuddle with Master and lean on Him because i know that He will be there no matter what for me. He is my world and heart and soul and in a time like this i have never been more thankful to have Him by my side then i do now. Now back to snuggling with Master and working on my grandmother's happy memories.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Roaming thoughts.....

   What a day today has been and this week really. Being able to spend all this time with Master and even coming home to Master i have cherished it. In the past, i took for granted just how amazing He is and all that He does for me. Just recently our situation has finally calmed down and it seems things are getting back to normal. Never before have i ever been so glad as to have someone there for me and just on my side to calm me down when things get rough.
   In the past when i thought about a Master and submissive relationship, i thought of something that was living the lifestyle nonstop, but i never realized just how important the vanilla aspects were to the lifestyle too. Master has been there for me from the beginning, supporting me and just giving me the advice needed to get things done. Recently our housing situation wasnt the greatest and between His help and my supervisor's help the situation is better. But trying to get it all taken care of was a hassle and i felt like i was losing the battle. There was worry of whether we could afford getting out of our current lease, whether we'd be able to afford the new housing payment with our bills, and just would we really be financially sound. Each time Master noticed that i was beginning to worry He would tell me to just take a deep breath and relax that He has it all covered.
   Growing up with the way that i was raised, i am still not used to having the money to do things and that will probably be something that i will never get used to. Although not saying that just because we have money that Master and i are going out and blowing it, but we are able to eat out or go different places if we want to. There is just no getting used to going from scraping by from paycheck to paycheck to paying bills and still having a couple hundred to put into savings or keep for emergency money. Master has realized just how bad my spending habits are and im glad that i asked Him to take charge of the bank account and all before i left for basic. He really has taken it in stride and reassures me constantly that all will be okay with bills and everything else that we have to do.
   All of this above has brought me to a realization today and everything i keep seeing and hearing on the news makes me think of this even more. Master knows my fears of being deployed, but at the same time it is my duty for my country and i have no problem doing it. But the thought of possibly dying scares the hell out of me and Master knows it. This brings up the whole topic that keeps revolving in my head of how precious my time spent with Him is. Before i would have been so happy and amazed to be able to come home to Him and just fix Him dinner, not saying that im not now, but i love it that much more. Every moment i get to spend with Him, every kiss, every laugh and just everything about Him. There is not one person i could imagine spending more time together with then Him. The unknown future scares me, but with Him by my side it seems that much brighter. He truly is my saving grace and every time i see Him, i know that God has a higher plan for both me and Him and that things work out for a reason. There's a reason we met, theres a reason i got stationed where i did, and there will be a reason why whatever happens in the future happens. For now, i will continue to thank God every day for every little moment that i get to spend with my Master and best friend.