Monday, March 28, 2011

Just not me....

   Today finds me feeling blah and just not myself, but at the same time i feel normal. It's a weird mix and it feels like my world is hanging in the balance at the moment. There has been so much going on and Master has been through my side for every bit of it, but this part i wonder how things will go. Master has pledged to stick by me no matter what, i only hope this doesnt test those words.
   This past weekend i was hospitalized after a third emergency room visit for a headache that left me unable to sleep and that medicine only temporarily relieved. It seemed work was impossible to do for me and i didnt know what was going on. The other crushing factor for me was that i could tell Master wanted to do everything in His power to help me, but there was very little He could do but help nurse me and keep me eating and drinking to prevent me from getting worse then what i was. He took care of me and was there for me every step of the way, even with the news that i received.
   After having a headache that left me with little sleep and exhausted, a neurologist was called in to check me out. He checked my reflexes, my eyes, my feet, my back, my neck and everything else you could think of. After looking in my eyes and checking my reflexes, the doctor came back with the news that he didnt see anything wrong with me physically to explain my headache. Now confusion sets in...there is nothing physically causing my headache?? Wow, that sets the scary factor in now. Although he soon eased these fears by saying that it wasnt any major diseases either becuase the CT and blood work had ruled that out. But if it wasnt something physically than what was it?
   Questions began flying from the doctor's mouth about my family history, what diseases the family had, stress that i was under, if i had any allergies, and a slew of other questions. After thinking about it, i mentioned the fact that my grandmother had passed away a  little over a month ago and that with everything else going on in my life, i hadnt really processed everything that had happened. She wasnt one of the people who raised me, but she was still equally important in my life. There was the added self guilt that i still have, even though Master reassured me that she was happy, that i should have called her sooner. Last time i talked with her she had been sick and i had made the point to call her again but i got caught up with work when it all hit. My mother called with the news and i broke down. The doctor looked me and it was like a light bulb had popped on in his head. The wheels could be seen turning as he dropped the bombshell on me---the cause of my headache was depression.
   Depression!!! Who in their right mind would look at me and think i was depressed. My activity level has always been up there, but since i got sick it has changed. Things suck because i cant do what i want because of my knee and just other things happening all at once. Little factors that to me went unnoticed, the doctor said were signs that i was depressed. Me depressed?? That in itself seems like a contradiction. But for someone to be depressed it can be causing my headache?? That just seemed unheard of to me. The doctor left the room to allow time for the news to sink in with me and Master. Wow...what news.
   Looking at Master, i remember breaking down because i finally received the news that i was going home and that he was going to give me some medicine for depression. He was also going to give me some tylenol for my headache to help ease it away. Either way the news was sinking in that it wasnt something extremely horrible like a brain tumor or something, but it was still depression. There are no words to describe how lost i am right now with all of this.
   Heading home Master and i began talking. Realizing that maybe i was depressed, i looked up symptoms and we found that one of them is a debilitating headache that doesnt stop with treatment. The doctors on the first two emergency room visits gave me some good pain medicine, but neither one of them were killing this headache. Sighing, i realized that maybe the doctor was right and he did know what he was talking about. Looking at Master i broke down in the car. Feeling lost and confused, im not sure what to make of all this. There are so many repercussions that can come from this, but im not going to let it stop me.
   My energy level sucks and i hate it because i just dont feel like myself. There is no way that i will let this thing called depression define me, but right now i feel that it is. There is no energy and i just feel so lost and confused and a little bit overwhelmed. The doctor mentioned talking with a counselor or someone about everything, but how do you put into words all the stresses that go on in your life everyday?? My life is filled with so much stresses and concerns that i wish i didnt have half of them. Granted none of them involve Master, its more situations that im put into with my family but He is always there to help me out.
   Tonight Master and i went out to grab dinner because our dinner plans didnt go through, it didnt defrost in time. Oops..but i like it because it gave us ample time to talk. Looking at Master i confided in Him that i was scared and i honestly am scared at what the future holds. There is the fear of having kids and they have to deal with everything that ive had happen to me since i was younger. From the age i could remember i always had to take care of myself and i dont want that for our kids. Master reassures me this wont happen. The other things we talked about was going to talk to someone. Master told me that the decision was up to me and i could go if i wanted to. The thing im scared of is voicing all i feel about my grandmother's passing away, my dad's sex change operation, everything wedding related, being told that i cant invite certain people to my wedding, starting a new job, moving, and all the other stresses from ight before i went into the military. How do you tell all these things to someone that you have never met, but have to tell all your secrets to?? In all honesty i dont know how to do that and it scares me.
   Talking with Master i realized that maybe i can lean on His family just as much during this time as i have before. They have embraced me as one of their own and i feel like they are my family. The ability to talk to them whenever i need to is a thing that i love and i think i will try that before making the rash decision to see a therapist because that thought just scares me. In light of this new discovery, i think i will talk with Master about coming up with some sort of plan to help me stop worrying about things. It may be sad but phone calls back home to my family may have to be limited to help this decision work. My family is one of the major stressors and after the phone call tonight i am glad that i havent told them the doctor's diagnosis of depression. They wouldnt understand since they dont even understand while im stressed about my tests and school work and getting that done on top of wedding preparations. That came along with the comment that a check from my grandmother's passing should ease my stress over the wedding. Thinking on that comment, i dont think that my mother honestly realizes that money doesnt matter to me especially when it comes to my grandmother's passing. The only thing that i care about in that aspect is the memories that we had and the pictures that i would like to get from the house. The money is no interest of mine.
   All these things that stress me out are sure enough to get to me, but i think talking things out more with Master and being completely honest with Him when He asks me if im okay. There will be no more hesitant or half answers for Him. With this new revelation there is an even more pressing need for openness. Master has promised me that anytime i need to talk He is always there to listen and even emphasized to me that i could even talk with His brother's wife and His grandmother. They are always there for me to talk to especially since i dont get to talk to my sister as often as i like. It's something there are things i wanna talk about, like with the wedding and all that's going on. My resources are plentiful between His family and my options with the military so i think that i will be using them to my best advantage. This is a turning point in my life and changes must be made because im not going to remain dependent on this medicine. I am determined to beat this and i know Master will help me every step of the way. But for now i have to take it baby steps with the no energy and not feeling completely like myself. There is one thing im certain of and that is i love Master with my whole heart and soul and know He will always be there for me.

Monday, March 21, 2011

A Simple Word of Thanks...

   Looking over at Master sleeping on the couch, i realize just how much He has been through this morning. What a toll that must have taken on Him having to sit there and watch me hurt and not be able to fix it. All He could do was comfort me and do His best to ease the fears..
   Okay, so before i go any further i have to admit that this morning i was extremely scared. Last night we went and had dinner at a restaurant here in town and all seemed normal when i went to bed, but around two this morning things started seeming evident that something wasnt right. The feelings of nausea and queasiness came on full throttle, but somehow i was able to roll over and get back to sleep. About an hour later i woke up again with a stabbing headache. In the past i had one or two like the one i had this morning, but it was bad. Combine the headache with nausea, shakiness, and feelings of passing out made for a bad combination for work.
   Master woke up this morning after hearing me rustle around in the bed trying to get to a comfortable spot where the pounding in my head would quit, but it just wouldnt let up. Medicine wasnt an option either because i wouldnt have been able to keep it down long enough. So after asking Him to drive me to work, we headed out to work to talk with my flight chiefs before i could head to the emergency room. The first question after asking where the flight chief was..."are you okay?" It's a bad sign when you have three people notice that you look like the living dead when you feel like it too. After realizing my flight chiefs werent in, one of the girls from the previous shift took me outside to talk with her fllight chief. They could immediately tell something was wrong too after i let them know the symptoms i had been experiencing during the morning and they sent me on my way with Master to the emergency room.
   At this point i was in tears again, because lets face it. Being sick is not something i like. I honestly hate the feeling of being so helpless and dependent on others for making you feel better. It was even worse because i could tell it bothered Master that He couldnt make anything better for me, just reassure me that things would be okay. Crying, i told Him i was scared because i had never experienced anything like this before and it scared me. Boy did it scare me to death. After finding out that my family has a history of diabetes and possibly being hypoglycemic myself, i was scared it was a very bad reaction or something to do with my sugar.
   Walking into the emergency room was scary enough for me, but thankfully Master was there with me through everything. He helped give the nurses information and calm me down when i felt like my body couldnt make up its mind whether it wanted to hurt, throw up, or shake uncontrollably. There were so many times i felt on the verge of passing out, but apparently thats what happens. After a whirlwind of bloodwork, urine, a CT scan, and some GOOD pain medication....we found out all of that was for a simple migraine. There is no clue as to what made it happen, although Master thinks it was stress. Trusting Him and that it is more then likely the cause of that, i realize just how lucky i am.
   Seeing the worry in Master's eyes and on His face, i realized just how worried He was. In all honesty, i know He was worried when He tells me when can get a puppy when i get out as long as i get better. We had been joking about getting a puppy, but something like this i know He had to have been really worried to say that. Knowing how much He cares and just how well He hid His worries, i realize how much He loves me. Nobody would have ever sat through all those tests, holding my hand and wiping my forehead or just calming my fears when i hear xrays and being told i have to go for a ct scan because they have to check for tumors.
   There is a song that comes to mind that is sung talking about this guy and how he hopes that his wife knows how much he loved her and that he tried to show her everyday. It's days like these when im at my worst and Master can just look at me in a hospital gown and sweaty as crap and tell me i have never looked more beautiful to Him. He is the light of my life and there are no words to express just how much i love Him and just how thankful i am to have Him in my life. He is the only man that i would know that would be willing to sit in the emergency room waiting on labs and listen to His wife talking about some off the wall comments(i still dont know what those are--but apparently demerol can make you say some loopy things). Right now He has been taking care of me and getting me food and making sure im okay, but i hope that He knows id gladly return the favor.
   So i guess this writing is mostly to say thank you to Master for sticking by my side in one of the worst times ive ever had. My body has never felt like that and you stuck by me through thick and thin, holding me when we finally made it home as i passed out. You watch over me and i know that i will always be safe with you. You are my world, my heart and soul and i only hope i can take care of you as well as you have taken care of me today with my feelings of still being somewhat out of it. It will be exciting to have a puppy running around here when we find one and can make it a good home for them. I love You so much Master!!!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3------(i love You ttttttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssss
sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss much)

Monday, March 7, 2011

What a day!!

   Wow, today has been amazing and blissful and i wish there were more like it in the future. Today was the first day that Master and i were truly able to just spend together with no running around or having to go here or there to pick up something. Normally work keeps me busy and there is little time for play or just spending time together before it's off to la la land for another long day of work.
   Sometimes i feel that running these long hours and not having very much time to spend with Him is crushing me. There are times i wonder if He truly understands just how much i hate having to leave Him, but that i am doing it to help serve my country. Taking this job wasnt easy and it is still a struggle for me. Growing up around the military i always thought it was easy and that people just went around playing soldier all day. Well i guess this is one of the times when growing up slaps you in the face with childhood false ideas.
   Everyday i go to work, i put that uniform on. There are a couple holidays everyone was able to enjoy that i was faced with standing there for twelve hour shifts to make sure that people dont take what doesnt belong to them or threaten to cause harm to our country. The job i chose at the time interested me because it never seemed to be the same from day to day, but i was honestly a good ways farther from the truth then i thought. This job is constantly doing the same thing day in and day out, just trying to keep from getting used to everything. Paying attention to the little things and making sure to not get complacent with your surroundings.
   All this adds stress to my life that i never thought was possible to handle. Master jokes with me a lot of the time to help cheer me up that when i get stressed out that i could be doing all of this without Him. Truth be told i wouldnt want anyone else other then Him by my side, helping me work through the kinks. Being new to this side of the life of a military family presents challenges and things that i have never known about before. He embraces all them and tries to help as best as He can, but i know that there is often the fear of the unknown, especially with the deployment scare we had not to long ago. Dont get me wrong, i have no problem serving my country but i would honestly like to know my job before someone chooses to send me overseas to use a weapon that i havent shot in about six or seven months or even use defensive tactics that were taught long enough to grasp them. This is the logic in my thinking, but it isnt the logic in the military's way of thinking. Thankfully the planning of the wedding and having those plans already laid out saved me. Along with that, my recent health problems with my knee are enabling me to stay home with Master. You combine those with not having a lot of on the job knowledge compared to other eligible people that have more knowledge then me and i was no longer going.
   Still the thought of this scares me. Leaving Master behind everyday, i wonder if this is the right choice. He is my world and i would hate to put Him into a position where He would have to lose me. Watching a show with Him last night on lifetime, i realized that i felt a lot like this man. There was the constant thought of going through training and having to worry about training and just constantly in the mindset of being a soldier. Granted i am able to unwind with Master when i am home, that unknown number calling me always sparks a fear in my heart that it is them calling me back.
   These fears seem normal to me, but yet at the same time it makes me more appreciative of the time that i have with family. Lately i have realized that family is the most important thing to me. Master and His family are the few people that i can count on and lean on aside from my few friends in the lifestyle. He is my heart and soul and His family is the few people that have taken me in and cared for me when my own family has left me out there hanging. Thinking of all these thoughts lead me to realize that i am going to try one more time to reconnect with my family(not my sister cause me and her have always been connected) before giving them up. It breaks my heart to say this, but when you receive a better welcome home party and have better support from your husband's family then your own, something is wrong with that picture. My stubborn nature tells me that i cant refuse to give up on that just yet, but there may be hope on the horizon with the actual wedding ceremony approaching fast.
   So enough about family and sad sappy thoughts. My thoughts are on something else today and im not sure how to express it. In the past i have written a journal asking to be spanked and just taken advantage of and Master gave me what i asked for and more. That night i got the paddle and was treated like the slut i had been acting like. But now, my thoughts are on providing not just myself but Master too, pleasure. There has always been a fantasy about being taken in the shower and just experiencing everything to do with that. Yes, there is a patience factor, but sometimes i can feel these ideas storming in my head.
   The other idea constantly running through my head and it was kind of touched on in another blog that i read avidly, is the topic of spankings and how often they should be done. Lately Master and i have honestly been too busy for the lifestyle most of the time. Yes there have been lifestyle themed sex sessions to where i was His naughty lil slut and fucked like one(sorry  but only way to describe the way it happened). That satisfied a part of me, but it seems that we have somewhat lost touch with our lifestyle side. Before i left to join the military, it was noticeable, to me at least, the different aspects of the lifestyle in our day to day lives. He would control me and lots of nights He would surprise me by teasing me with His tongue or ice cubes or just various toys that He had found to play with. Secretly i wonder if those days can come back. Yes, there is not a lot of time to play usually with my crazy hectic work schedule, but i miss the way things used to be.
   Honestly, i never thought i would find myself admitting it...but i miss the makeshift nipple clamps, the ice cubes all over my stomach after teasing me for hours, the surprising me by licking me all over down there until i feel like my mind is going to go numb. My brain feels like there is a need for something and i cant quite place it, but i honestly am in wonder if the lifestyle had been put on hold aside from the major respect aspects and all due to our moving situation and other things occuring. Once things get settled will we be back to me getting spankings every so often or just the little surprises He had for me when we first started dating??
   This thought process is in no way to put down that He hasnt kept me enthused because He has without a doubt. Everytime we have had anything lifestyle related, even if it was just the sessions mentioned above, i felt His dominance and power. There is just the wanting and craving to feel it more then i do now. To have my throat grabbed randomly and kissed with wild abandon like He did earlier today or just to be fucked because He just woke up and was ready to go. This thought process is all mine and i know that in the end everything is up to Him, but i wonder if things could be amped up a little more. There isnt an idea of how this is possible, but i'm sure He can come up with something. Maybe something related to household chores every night or laundry or something?? I dont know....all i know is i love Him and my butt is craving a bad spanking right and some corner time, but i dont want to push buttons just to get what i want. So for now i wait...

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Why cant i fix this???

   Life for Master and i has been extremely hectic lately and it often leaves us running around on my days off. Granted we are still getting to spend time together, it just sucks that every waking moment is spent running around taking care of this or that for something else that is broken.
   Since i can remember i have never had any patience and lately it has held true. My patience is thin and so is Master's and it's just like i cant control anything that's going on anymore. My life is spinning out of control and i cant help any of it. There have been moments where i have let my mouth get the better of me and my frustrations have been voiced. Lately it feels that i have let all these minor frustrations get to me.
   Master and i are in the process of building our first house together. He is so amazing and it's just wonderful coming home to a man who is cooking dinner. It's not the fact that it is Master cooking for me, but the fact that it is the man that i love cooking for me because He knows by the time i get home that it would probably be another hour and we'd be starving to eat if we waited. However, the other things are getting to me and i wish i could make them stop. We got a washer and dryer and just had to fix a few minor things on them to make them work for us. It seems though that they are just bound and determined not to work for us. The cord for the dryer was the wrong one the first time, we needed a wrench to tighten the bolts on the washer so it wouldnt leak, we were missing a part for the dryer but improvised, and today the icing was the new cord we got sent sparks when Master tried testing it to make sure it worked. Spouting off that He should have made sure it was grounded before He plugged it in pushed His buttons and i feel bad about it.
   Master has done nothing but been good to me and done everything He can for me to help make this house into a home for the two of us since my job hours dont exactly make it easy for us to work on things except for two or three days at a time depending on the schedule. Add in there planning for a wedding ceremony and other little things like that and it is enough to make you seem nuts. But Master always holds it together, He is always the one that is calm and unconcerned. Thinking today after hearing a song, He looked at me and asked me how He is ever going to love me more then He already does. Shrugging my shoulders, i answered Him that i didnt know because i honestly didnt. He doesnt even know but after today i wonder how He can love me when all it seems is that i keep having bratty moments even though im trying to control them. How do i fix a side of me that i have never known to come out until now. There is no way for it to be blamed on hormones or anything of that nature because i honestly believe that is too common of an excuse just to get out of a situation like this. So what is the problem then?? Is it me???
   My worry and fear is that the moments like these would cause Master to question how He ever came to love me. Insecurities come out after times like these. Past moments are past moments but i cant help but fear turning out to find out one day that there is no more love. With Master i dont doubt that He will love me and always fight for me just like He says, but my biggest fear i have had to face is that the main person in my life that i counted on to be my role model and be that protective figure is no more. My life looking at it now seems so unstable that i often wonder how Master can even make it so stable as He does...Is there a reality check button that He knows about that i dont??
   With all this brattiness i wonder if it is time that i honestly ask Master for a spanking. An honest to goodness one that has me bawling, just short of subspace, and then leave me in the corner for a few minutes to realize what i have been doing to Him. It has to hurt Him when these words come out, because hearing them back in my mind as i fight back the tears in the aftermath, i can see the hurt in them. It seems they question what He knows, although both of us are new at this and i know just as much as Him about a washer and dryer and putting the things on it. He didnt do it on purpose and He definitely didnt mean to blow the cord. So i guess, i dont even know how to begin to fix this. Is it punishment worthy?? Or is it worse?? For now i wait to find out what the results will be and may be having a talk with Master at dinner as to what He thinks needs to be done about my behavior. My feelings are it shouldnt continue but im at a loss as to how to stop it, maybe He has the answer. Who knows, but the one thing i do know is that i dont want to lose the man that i married and the Master who stole my heart and body and mind and soul. If i could do anything to repay Him back for the way i have been acting lately i would do it, from pictures just for Him to dressing up sexy and doing a strip tease or even just living a fantasy of His that He has had for years. God i hope He can forgive me yet again for my foolish tongue and mind and worries......