Monday, March 28, 2011

Just not me....

   Today finds me feeling blah and just not myself, but at the same time i feel normal. It's a weird mix and it feels like my world is hanging in the balance at the moment. There has been so much going on and Master has been through my side for every bit of it, but this part i wonder how things will go. Master has pledged to stick by me no matter what, i only hope this doesnt test those words.
   This past weekend i was hospitalized after a third emergency room visit for a headache that left me unable to sleep and that medicine only temporarily relieved. It seemed work was impossible to do for me and i didnt know what was going on. The other crushing factor for me was that i could tell Master wanted to do everything in His power to help me, but there was very little He could do but help nurse me and keep me eating and drinking to prevent me from getting worse then what i was. He took care of me and was there for me every step of the way, even with the news that i received.
   After having a headache that left me with little sleep and exhausted, a neurologist was called in to check me out. He checked my reflexes, my eyes, my feet, my back, my neck and everything else you could think of. After looking in my eyes and checking my reflexes, the doctor came back with the news that he didnt see anything wrong with me physically to explain my headache. Now confusion sets in...there is nothing physically causing my headache?? Wow, that sets the scary factor in now. Although he soon eased these fears by saying that it wasnt any major diseases either becuase the CT and blood work had ruled that out. But if it wasnt something physically than what was it?
   Questions began flying from the doctor's mouth about my family history, what diseases the family had, stress that i was under, if i had any allergies, and a slew of other questions. After thinking about it, i mentioned the fact that my grandmother had passed away a  little over a month ago and that with everything else going on in my life, i hadnt really processed everything that had happened. She wasnt one of the people who raised me, but she was still equally important in my life. There was the added self guilt that i still have, even though Master reassured me that she was happy, that i should have called her sooner. Last time i talked with her she had been sick and i had made the point to call her again but i got caught up with work when it all hit. My mother called with the news and i broke down. The doctor looked me and it was like a light bulb had popped on in his head. The wheels could be seen turning as he dropped the bombshell on me---the cause of my headache was depression.
   Depression!!! Who in their right mind would look at me and think i was depressed. My activity level has always been up there, but since i got sick it has changed. Things suck because i cant do what i want because of my knee and just other things happening all at once. Little factors that to me went unnoticed, the doctor said were signs that i was depressed. Me depressed?? That in itself seems like a contradiction. But for someone to be depressed it can be causing my headache?? That just seemed unheard of to me. The doctor left the room to allow time for the news to sink in with me and Master. Wow...what news.
   Looking at Master, i remember breaking down because i finally received the news that i was going home and that he was going to give me some medicine for depression. He was also going to give me some tylenol for my headache to help ease it away. Either way the news was sinking in that it wasnt something extremely horrible like a brain tumor or something, but it was still depression. There are no words to describe how lost i am right now with all of this.
   Heading home Master and i began talking. Realizing that maybe i was depressed, i looked up symptoms and we found that one of them is a debilitating headache that doesnt stop with treatment. The doctors on the first two emergency room visits gave me some good pain medicine, but neither one of them were killing this headache. Sighing, i realized that maybe the doctor was right and he did know what he was talking about. Looking at Master i broke down in the car. Feeling lost and confused, im not sure what to make of all this. There are so many repercussions that can come from this, but im not going to let it stop me.
   My energy level sucks and i hate it because i just dont feel like myself. There is no way that i will let this thing called depression define me, but right now i feel that it is. There is no energy and i just feel so lost and confused and a little bit overwhelmed. The doctor mentioned talking with a counselor or someone about everything, but how do you put into words all the stresses that go on in your life everyday?? My life is filled with so much stresses and concerns that i wish i didnt have half of them. Granted none of them involve Master, its more situations that im put into with my family but He is always there to help me out.
   Tonight Master and i went out to grab dinner because our dinner plans didnt go through, it didnt defrost in time. Oops..but i like it because it gave us ample time to talk. Looking at Master i confided in Him that i was scared and i honestly am scared at what the future holds. There is the fear of having kids and they have to deal with everything that ive had happen to me since i was younger. From the age i could remember i always had to take care of myself and i dont want that for our kids. Master reassures me this wont happen. The other things we talked about was going to talk to someone. Master told me that the decision was up to me and i could go if i wanted to. The thing im scared of is voicing all i feel about my grandmother's passing away, my dad's sex change operation, everything wedding related, being told that i cant invite certain people to my wedding, starting a new job, moving, and all the other stresses from ight before i went into the military. How do you tell all these things to someone that you have never met, but have to tell all your secrets to?? In all honesty i dont know how to do that and it scares me.
   Talking with Master i realized that maybe i can lean on His family just as much during this time as i have before. They have embraced me as one of their own and i feel like they are my family. The ability to talk to them whenever i need to is a thing that i love and i think i will try that before making the rash decision to see a therapist because that thought just scares me. In light of this new discovery, i think i will talk with Master about coming up with some sort of plan to help me stop worrying about things. It may be sad but phone calls back home to my family may have to be limited to help this decision work. My family is one of the major stressors and after the phone call tonight i am glad that i havent told them the doctor's diagnosis of depression. They wouldnt understand since they dont even understand while im stressed about my tests and school work and getting that done on top of wedding preparations. That came along with the comment that a check from my grandmother's passing should ease my stress over the wedding. Thinking on that comment, i dont think that my mother honestly realizes that money doesnt matter to me especially when it comes to my grandmother's passing. The only thing that i care about in that aspect is the memories that we had and the pictures that i would like to get from the house. The money is no interest of mine.
   All these things that stress me out are sure enough to get to me, but i think talking things out more with Master and being completely honest with Him when He asks me if im okay. There will be no more hesitant or half answers for Him. With this new revelation there is an even more pressing need for openness. Master has promised me that anytime i need to talk He is always there to listen and even emphasized to me that i could even talk with His brother's wife and His grandmother. They are always there for me to talk to especially since i dont get to talk to my sister as often as i like. It's something there are things i wanna talk about, like with the wedding and all that's going on. My resources are plentiful between His family and my options with the military so i think that i will be using them to my best advantage. This is a turning point in my life and changes must be made because im not going to remain dependent on this medicine. I am determined to beat this and i know Master will help me every step of the way. But for now i have to take it baby steps with the no energy and not feeling completely like myself. There is one thing im certain of and that is i love Master with my whole heart and soul and know He will always be there for me.

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