Saturday, April 30, 2011

Im not too sure what to think....

   After a comment from Master earlier today, im honestly not too sure what to think anymore. Things lately have been so hectic that we had to come back up and visit family. We remarked the other day that it felt good to just get in the car and go somewhere and take a trip. We hadnt taken a trip just to go somewhere in forever because of all my health issues and concerns, which is where the root of everything going on right now is.
    So I have to explain all that has gone on since the last post. Currently i have been facing a massive headache, or head pain as we are now referring to it, for almost six weeks now. It's crazy to think something like that could last that long, but thats not the only thing plaguing me. There have been boughts of puking my guts up, dizzyness, lightheadedness, losing my balance, my inability to walk without falling to the right side, side pain, and issues breathing. It's been a crazy road and there is just so many twists and turns that's it is hard to figure out what is going on. As of today there has been numerous blood tests done as well as urine tests. There has been enough blood taken from me to fill up about four to five bags you'd donate. Nothing has been found and everything has come back normal.
   With all this going on and nothing being found it has been frustrated for me. My frustration has transferred into my actions and i feel that it has been hitting our relationship the hardest. A lot of the time i am getting frustrated because there is something seriously wrong with me and i have been through so many doctors visits but nothing is being found. Trying to get a refill on my pain medication recently i was informed that neither of the people that i had to get it from could do it. The doctor couldnt do it because i was being seen by the neurologist and the neurologist cant do it because he doesnt write prescriptions for pain medications. Being torn between the two i feel that now im stuck in limbo and they have pretty much given up on me and trying to figure out whats wrong. There is no okay well its not this, let's try another test and keep going from there. There is no reason that a completely healthy and fit young woman should suddenly turn ill and have 8 ER visits, including being hospitalized on one of those, for all these issues and not have something wrong. Sometimes, i guess, you just have to leave things alone but i just feel alone even though i know Master is there fighting with me.
   The thing with all of this is i know that Master is here to fight this battle with me, but both of us are at a loss as to what to do. This medical condition is beyond His expertise and He is doing what He can to help. There is just confusion as to what to do or even how to go about trying to move on to another specialist to get tested for anything else.
    So with all that going on, there is major frustration at times between Master and i. Looking back on things, i hate that i am making Master feel the way that i am. He is always doing everything in His power and trying to help however He can. He has been with me through every doctor's visits and is just trying to keep me laughing when all i feel like is crying. Lately my emotions have been so out of whack and my libido is not really there according to Him.
    Wondering what the deal is, i kind of wonder if maybe we need to delve back into the lifestyle a little bit more then what we are right now. There hasnt been a true punishment for me since the time i got punished for mouthing off a comment to Master over a grocery list. Now im not saying that He is slacking by no means because there are many times that i have gotten "the look". He is most defnitely still in control, but i think my subconscious is wanting to see more. He is always there and keeps me in check, but now im wondering if maybe this will help my situation and keep me from lashing out at Him like i have.
    Master has always pushed me to do everything that i can and im wondering if maybe i need another push again. There is the craving for a good spanking, not just because ive been bad but because i need it. Its not about want anymore, its become a need. The only thing with this is how do i approach Master about the lifestyle situation. Being in the lifestyle has always brought a sense of calm to me and knowing that Master is in control of everything is such a relief to me. When we first started talking i remember Him mentioning that He didnt completely like the 24/7 because He didnt want to micromanage me, but i honestly think that for now i need the structure something like that would bring. Not to say things have gotten lax, but i feel that im getting away with a little more and that may be because im sick, but i dont know. Now this isnt saying that He hasnt been correcting me occasionally when i go off on Him for something or say something wrong because He does, but i feel that there isnt as much structure as there was when we first started talking. Or maybe i am looking at getting a little more into the lifestyle, who knows. All i know is there is for sure a need to be tied up, taken, used, spanked til i cant take it anymore or my butt is a very deep red, placed in the corner like a bad girl, gagged so He only hears muffled moans or whimpers and so many other things that i just cant think of all of them. So many things i want to experience that i havent yet, but want to so bad especially the being tied up and taken like He usually does. He is the only man that i would ever trust to tie me up in some way to where i couldnt hide or move away from His blows or expert tongue and other things without causing me harm, especially after my bad past.
    How do you approach someone and tell them that you want them to take more control then what they already have? Master has already been given all the power that i can give Him. He holds the keys to my heart and has often punished me when i stepped out of line. The whole micromanaging deal i dont want, but i really do want more power and control on things. Granted i think on a lot of things He has left for me to do, but i feel that i have slipped on a lot of things. Like today, He made the comment asking if we had done away with the rule of putting my hand on His lap while we were driving. With my new concerns, i kind of wonder if He will understand where i am coming from and embrace my need for this change especially with everything going on. He has always addressed my concerns and i love that fact. He always wants to hear what i think and i know for sure this will be nothing different. So i can only try and explain things and see where we go from there.
    With everything going on though, aside from my feelings on the lifestyle i am pledging a new promise to myself that from now on i will not let Master's playing with me get to me. It seems that i am taking a lot of it too personal and i dont ever want Him to think that He cant mess around with me. It hurt my heart a lot today when He told me that He felt as if everything He was doing for me wasnt being appreciated. It hurt so bad to know that He felt this way because i know that He is doing everything in His power to help me with my health concerns and my job and just keeping everything running. Crazy enough with everything going on that i havent done worse to Him(and i hope i havent yet and that i wont in the future), but i know that He loves me and knows everything that has happened in my past. Conquering my past hasnt been easy and it makes me not act like me when i let it conquer me, but i hope Master can forgive me when thesse moments make me act like a red headed stepchild. Now the thing is, can He help me keep this promise to myself?
   My hope is that this promise holds true and i know i will fight with every ounce of my being to make it true. I dont ever want Him to think He isnt appreciated at all and i also want to make sure that He knows everyday just how much i love Him and appreciate everything He is doing for me. He is the light of my life and i would give anything for Him.
   Master and i are supposed to talk tonight so hopefully we can talk about the lifestyle thing. We're also going to talk about him being appreciated and how He felt about things. :) Honestly, i hope it goes well and im sure we will get a lot of feelings out of it. There is a new chapter that is about to open in our lives and i think there are a few people that arent going to be in it too. (more on that one to come at a later date when i have plenty of time to rant and rave on here about family and everything with that)

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Thinking on myself...

   So lately there has been a lot of talk as to whether or not im depressed when trying to figure out why i am having this massive headache that has lasted for three weeks straight. Personally i honestly dont think i am depressed at all, but this one neurologist seems to think so. Granted there is a difference between when i go home and spend time with my family and when i come back down here with Master to work.
   This has gotten me thinking that there is a lot of change in my life. Writing in this blog pretty much got put on the back burner because everything else was going on, but Master thinks it might be a better idea for me to start writing again. Honestly i think that He is right. It might better help me process everything that is going on and vent frustrations and annoyances and other things. There are so many things that come up with my job that frustrate me and planning this wedding, while trying to take into account my family's annoyances with various setups is enough to give any person a headache.
    Looking back on when things first started, i realize that i somewhat feel like i have lost myself along the way with all these changes that have been made. Going back home to visit family allows me to find myself again because there is no stress hanging over my head and i dont feel like im playing soldier every minute of every day. Dont get me wrong, i love my job but it seems there is a good bit of stress with it. Knowing that i am submissive and that Master is in charge of me is one of the few things that i can count on. There is a huge feeling of not knowing who i really am because since things started with us, there hasnt been a lot of the lifestyle in our lives. Now being the good girl that i have always been, it is hard for me to ask Master for what i really want. There are times that i feel i just need a spanking to maintain the order and remind me(subtly i guess is a way to describe it) the status quo of things and to help me remember that all is right in the world. Granted, i know that everything is alright but i guess i go through withdrawals when i dont have a lot of lifestyle things happening such as a spanking or just being reminded that i am Master's lil one and serve to please Him.
    Reading a fellow blogger's writing, i have come to realize that maybe there are things that Master doesnt know about me. Well i can say that maybe He knows, but i havent verbally come out and said it to Him. The two of us are embracing a new thing called complete and open honesty. In the past when Master asked me a question, i would give Him a half hearted answer or just kind of blow Him off. It wasnt meant to come off like i was avoiding the question, but to me now it kind of was like i was avoiding it. So i agree to be completely honest with Master. When He asks what is wrong or what i said, i will tell Him no matter what it means or what it is. So maybe this might take a step in the right direction. Anyways, back to the blog. He was talking about different things submissives want but are afraid to ask for. This is where i get to be completely open and honest with Master. Taking straight from the blog, i feel i should let Him know a few of the things that i crave and wish for but dont have the courage to ask because of the always having to be the good girl, but secretly wanting to be a naughty girl.
   1. There have been a couple times that i have been punished and placed immediately into the corner. Secretly i loved every minute of it. There is just something about knowing your place and having your butt burning and being unable to rub it with your hands on your head in the corner. There is an urge to be punished for talking bratty to you or just being mouthy or a smart-mouth to you, much like the one day where i came back with the comment            "tough, it's going to be that way" where i was promptly given a spanking and placed in the corner. There's the need to be disciplined this way for my stubborn side, random mouthiness, or just comments that shouldnt be made or cussing.
   2.  Another thing is that i long to be writhing on the floor begging to be allowed to cum, but continuously denied by you as the lust builds stronger and stronger. In all honesty, i long to be denied and feel the lust in my lower area. My mind is torn between i want to be denied but i also want to enjoy the feelings all at the same time. There is just such a reward knowing that everything is being controlled by You and any second i can lose that privilage. Just the sound of Your voice can bring me to the edge.                 

3.  My mind longs to be Your sweet little girl who can do no wrong, but at the same time i want to be that naughty little girl that You want to fuck like crazy. You love the heels that i have and comment that You want to fuck me so bad when i wear them. Loving the feeling it brings from that comment, i long to be Your well-behaved
little girl to everyone, but a naughty little one that deserves to be punished and fucked like the bad girl she is too.

  4.  Another thing i long and crave occasionally is the feeling of being tied up and helpless. The feeling of knowing there is nothing that i can do when You play with me or tease me mercilessly is an incredible power. There is just something about hearing that i cant get away and You have my trapped. It makes me think that im such a naughty girl because i want to be played with while tied up, but it
also lets a little bit of the good girl side in me come out too.
   5.  Crazy as it may sound another thing mentioned was being choked, slapped, and pinched until im sore all over. There is something about being so sore and knowing that with that soreness i pleased You in it. It lets me know that You care about me and reasserts that You are in control and able to do anything You want at anytime. The pain from a good fuck session, lets me know that all is right in the world.

   6.  The last thing talked about was that good submissives kind of want a Dom who will mess with their head. In the past i have had my head messed with, but there is a difference between a vanilla relationship that a guy is messing with your head. Master has so much control and love for me that i would trusst Him if He played
with my head. Naturally im not sure what all this entails, but i know that He wouldnt let me wander too far from Him. He would take good care of me.
    Throughout everything that i have been through, Master has constantly been there by my side to reassure me that everything will be alright and that He has things under control. There is a constant worry sometimes that all this will get to Him and make Him wonder if things are really going to be okay, but i havent sensed anything like that yet.
   In all honesty, i want to say thank you to Master for being there by my side everytime. He has been there through the crazy emergency room visits and the talks with my flight chiefs and everything with work. When my worst fears are coming true, He reminds me that it will all work out and that there are ways to fix whatever the problem may be. There is a wonder as to what is going on through His head everytime because He hasnt complained one bit through any of this and im positive that my headache lasting this long with no relief has to be scaring Him. How does He do it everyday? Go through the day knowing that He may have to deal with me puking my guts out or even making sure my medicine is okay with me and that i'm not going to get sicker.
    Life has it's own crazy twists and turns, but i think the one thing that has remained steady is the lifestyle arrangement that Master and i have together. Granted i feel somewhat lost because it has been so long since i have been punished for anything, mainly because i have been good for the most part. There is the wonder as to whether or not this might help me become a little more relaxed is being reminded of things. There is no telling, but i know that Master is doing an excellent job at taking care of me and i can only hope that one day i can return the favor because it cant be easy putting up with me when im sick because im a crabby butt and just unbearable when im sick :(. When all this is over it will be a relief and hopefully i can repay Master for every little thing that He has done for me. <3 <3

What a day for sure....

  Today just seems to be overwhelming and not only that I feel like my emotions are being spent all over the place. The only thing that has remained steady in things that have changed so much recently is two things: my headache and my husband and Master being there for me every step of the way.

   Stress levels are at an all time high with not knowing what is going on with me and it seems that there is no good news in sight. After talking with the neurologist this morning, I feel that there is a need for another opinion. There is something going on, but to him he already had it set in his mind what was wrong with me and wasn’t willing to explore any other options. He was telling me that he believe it’s something wrong with work and that I need to lower my hours. He also said that even if I was to take time off just to get better for my health wise, like a week or so, that it wouldn’t benefit me because I would end up having the same problems that im having now. I would just be back in the same situation that I am in now.
   My brain is reeling with this news because my emotions are already torn. Both Master and I know there is something else going on, but that we havent quite hit the money with it yet. All the tests have been done except an MRI and Xrays of my head. Either way there is a possibility that nothing can be found. It’s just the fact that something is wrong when I go from eating normally to not having an appetite at all and feeling like I’m going to puke my guts up. There is something else completely wrong and I wish the doctor’s had an answer as to why I’m having these headaches and dizzy spells.
   Emotions raw from the talk yesterday from work, I am feeling that things are just adding up and adding up. It’s not so much that I’m stressed out about it, but I just feel that there’s a lot to deal with right now. Certainly there is plenty of stress to go around, but it’s not anything that is unusual in this life. Yesterday at work, my supervisor was telling me that they are not completely believing my story that I am having headaches and that I cant work. Thankfully that whole situation was remedied with an appointment with my doctor, but it was still stressful enough hearing someone say that we don’t completely believe you and think you may be abusing the system. With something this serious, how could I possibly be abusing the system. Oh yes, I wanted to be hospitalized for a weekend and have nurses poke and prod me every two hours just for the fun of it. None of this is my idea of fun or how I would want to get a few days off work. I hate being sick and having this headache is even worse.
   Add into all of this that we have a puppy that needs to be trained, there is more stress. She is in the chewing stage and has apparently chewed up a pair of Master’s shoes and my bra and some other things. My feelings are complete numbness in a way after hearing this news. I feel in a way that some of it is my fault because I asked him to get a puppy and we went searching after the first emergency room visit. The promise was that I could get one after I got better, but I feel that I didn’t hold up my end of the bargain. I’m not better and she is tearing up things left and right. It’s either she’s trying to eat something she’s not allowed to or she is peeing everywhere in the house. I swear we have a beach towel that smells like her piss all the time. Crazy because she is a puppy, but don’t get me wrong it is a lot to handle. I feel that maybe I jumped the gun too soon and we should have waited to get a dog. A part of me wonders how Master really feels about having the dog now. She is a really sweet and loving dog, it’s just she likes teething on a lot of things and pees everywhere in the house.
   It’s crazy how all these emotions unfold through the days and the only thing that really matters to me is that Master and I are okay and my health gets better. The second opinion might not reveal anything else, but I’m hoping that he doesn’t say the same thing this doctor says. Granted I could possibly be depressed, but I think my headache is some other kind of issue. I don’t know what it is, but I just know that it’s something not related to depression. If it was, I wouldn’t have had the relapse that I had yesterday. Oh well, I guess I can only hope and pray that the doctor will find out what’s going on with me. Until then, I have to make it through work and will be spending the next couple days relaxing with Master and just trying to get better. And taking my medication as I’m supposed to

Sunday, April 3, 2011

What a weekend....

   Today has started out somewhat good with a couple bad mixed in. I have to admit that there is a bit of reluctance for the bad spots. It happens and gets me so flustered because i hate it when things go wrong. Now im nowhere near a perfectionist but i dont like it when things go wrong. So this morning when things went wrong, naturally my reaction was that i got flustered. Our puppy had to go to the bathroom and Master had told me she needed to go, but i didnt hear Him. She went to the bathroom in the house and i got flustered because i had missed it and we didnt want her to do that in the house. Either way it flustered me and then on top of that when i checked the clothes in the dryer some of them were dry and some werent. The shirt i thought i had put in there was nowhere to be found in either the washer or the dryer. Remembering i had put it in the side pocket i went and grabbed it. The smell of it was so bad it HAD to be thrown in the wash. This morning hasnt been the greatest, but hopefully it will get better especially since today is very significant for me and Master.
   Our anniversary is today and its hard to believe that we have been together a year already. It's been a year since we officially became a couple and the feeling is so weird. Honestly i never would have thought i would see myself in this situation. Not that its a bad thing, i guess life just had so many twists and turns for me i never really saw myself in a position to be getting married or even just in a relationship lasting this long. All my previous relationships had crashed and burned and i was starting to think the future looked bleak til Master came in my life. It started from the very beginning when we first started talking. He never asked for anything but was always there even when my life got thrown up into my face. That was what drew me into Him. My submission was never asked for like it had been before by previous people who claimed to be dominants. No offense to the Doms out there, but i have come to realize at least in my opinion that to be a true dominant you have to know that a submissive has to freely give their submission, it can be demanded. He knew that and took everything in stride.
   There has been so much that has changed in the past year that i wouldnt give up for all the money in the world. There have been a realization of who i really am and truly finding myself. Not that i didnt know myself before but with everything going on, its better that i know who i really am and what my personality is. He is the light of my life and has stuck by me through thick and thin and has even been there when i was at my worst. There are no words to express just how grateful i am for everything that He has done for me from being there for a shoulder to cry on to taking care of me when im sick. There will always be struggles from my submissive side as to when i feel that im not serving well enough or im not taking care of Him well enough. All i can do though is just remember that He wants me to be completely honest with Him no matter what. So for now i have to remember that.
   More to come later, but for now this is all that i can think about and be able to put to words. Back to enjoying our new puppy and spending time with Master on our anniversary.