Monday, May 9, 2011

Massive blowup is looming over me....

    So my blowup on a certain parent is nearing more and more. Lately Master and i have been planning our wedding, which is in the near future. Part of this was setting up all the details for our wedding on a website that i found to put all the details out there so everyone can have it as well as a paper invitation. Anyways, after reading the material that was posted on this website, i received a very nasty(to me) email from my mother. It just reminds me of the lovely cycle that seems to go around with her.
    Before i go off ranting and raving on this, i have to put a disclaimer out there. If you dont want to hear the rantings and ravings about my mother and how she is dysfunctional then i highly suggest that you move on from this blog. That being sad, back to the topic at hand. She sent me a message over facebook(hmm odd that she couldnt call me about it at least) griping about how i said "i call GA my home even though it isnt where i grew up because it is where my heart is and where a majority of my family is---" She took this directly from the site and i received a lovely reply message from her quoting this and also saying "did i miss something or did we all move to GA" and "i copied this from your wedding blog---thought most of your family was in TN".
    This just unnerves me and aggravates me. She has constantly been bipolar with me. It is as if she is constantly evaluating everything im doing. When there is something that she doesnt like i hear about it. Im 21 years old and am still getting treated like im a child by her. She is biploar and nobody has seen this except for Master and myself.. My mother has everyone else believing that she is this perfect person and has no flaws, but this is wrong. She leads two completely different lifestyles for everyone. On one hand, she acts like life is perfect and that im the perfect child who can do no wrong, but when it's just the two of us she bites my head off and acts like an evil conniving witch. This is really starting to get to me and i know that it is really starting to get to Master. He sees everything she is doing as the same that another person in His life did to Him.
    Honestly, i would admit that if it wasnt for the fact that i had a wedding coming up soon, she would have been told off a long time ago. She constantly demeans me and makes comments on how i cant afford things or i cant do this because she doesnt think i can. Master doesnt work right now, although His family thinks He does and we arent going to tell them otherwise. He doesnt have to work because we are completely fine with just my income alone. If we needed the money He could easily get a job, but for now we both love Him staying at home. Either way though, she doesnt need to be commenting on what i can or cant do. She should be happy at how i am doing and say otherwise like any other normal parent would do. The two of us just bought our first major purchase---a big screen tv. Yes we didnt have to, but we wanted to and had saved up for it. It wasnt like a super splurge and we wouldnt have any money after we spent it. No, we still had a lot of excess money to pay bills after that. His family when we told them about the tv said good job about getting it, but my family doesnt know. If they were to know id get asked how i could afford that.
    She is my mother and i honestly lover, but my fuse is getting to the point where i dont want to have anything to do with her. If it wasnt for the fact that im getting married in two months, i would have said see you later a long time ago. Her and my father have mentioned reservations on whether or not they will be coming to the wedding and have also admitted that they dont want to talk to my grandfather about my father's changes because they feel the day wont be about them. When i told my parents to talk to my grandfather, i got told that they would refuse to do it because either way the day wasnt going to be about him, it would still be about me. However, i know my grandfather better then that although i am hoping He would make a scene just between my parents and away from everyone else. My mother even told me that she wasnt sure he was coming, but i know how much he loves me and how important this day is to me. I highly doubt that he is going to miss that day.
    The comment on facebook isnt the only thing that my mother has done. Things have long since been building since i left for college. Master and i have talked and we both believe that it is my mother trying to hold onto some sort of control because she is not used to the idea of me growing up. My thoughts are so confused surrounding this because i feel that even if she wants control, she should have realized by now that she doesnt have the control anymore---Master does. Either way it doesnt matter if she tries to gain any control, Master will ALWAYS have the control over me. Not only that, this is the control that I gave Him. It wasnt taken from me, but fairly given.
   So my heart is torn as to what to do. Master urges me to go ahead and tell her what i think and that i shouldnt really hold back. He has been down this road before and knows how ugly it gets. The other thing is that my mother purchased a lot of the supplies for the wedding. My feeling is i dont want to tell her off, but it is like things keep escalating with her. She keeps putting things into other people's mouths about the wedding, is refusing to talk to my grandfather about my dad's sex change operation and lifestyle, and just is unhappy that i feel like my home is here in GA instead of TN with them. My thoughts are that it doesnt matter if they live there or not. My home to me is where my heart is. My heart is no where in TN because i dont feel like i can live there anymore. There are so many rules and curfews and it's more like im a guest in my own home then where i can live. When im down here with Master, whether with His family or alone in our house i feel way more at home then anything. Master's family always makes sure that i am taken care of and has been more then willing to help provide us anything we need to help start our new home.
   So as you can see, my heart is torn. It's more then likely if i tell my mother off now she wont be at the wedding. It will most definitely hurt her when i go off on her, although it will be more then likely in writing format because our talks on the phone just turn into arguments. My heart hurts because i have to make this choice, but at the same time i feel that i will be okay because of it. Master has always been there for me from the beginning and i know He will continue to do so. He is my number one supporter and i have found through all these fights with my mother and father(who still isnt speaking to me because of a fight) that He loves me and swears everytime He will be there. My parents need to  learn that they dont control me anymore and im very afraid that i will have to make the choice to let them know that they will have to change or i wont be in their lives anymore. Yes it may alienate me from them, but i know the rest of my family will understand and if they dont talk to me, i always have a family down here to take care of me that i know will love me and Master no matter what. Now what to say to my mother in a reply to her facebook message to me........

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