Thursday, June 23, 2011

Today marks a very interesting day...

   So today marks a very unique day in my life. It is one marked by uncertainty and a vague bit of hope that maybe, just maybe i am wrong. With all the health issues that i have had going on, it was suggested that i talk with someone to get things off my chest. Well it turns out that despite me worrying about how it would turn out and being judged over things i said, i was shown otherwise. This lady im talking with has not only validated what im feeling, but is starting a process to work with me to realize how to get to where im better emotionally.
    Today i found out for myself something that shocked me. It didnt shock me so much as finding out because i think a part of me knew, but the greater shock is that im one trained to see this in other people and i couldnt even see it in my own relationships. Now before i go into depth about what i found out today, i feel that i need to say this has nothing to do with Master and i's relationship. He has been nothing but supportive and is never abusive towards me in any way. He actually stops when He thinks He is going to far and can tell when i am gone emotionally or just not there at all.
    Bearing my heart and soul to this woman has become so much easier the second time around. Maybe its because i find it so much easier to talk to another woman than a man(not meaning that i cant talk to Master about things because i most certainly can---meaning a male therapist). She listens and gives me feedback and tells me when i have done wrong and also has told me a lot that i havent been crazy and that everything im going through is not as easy as i try to make it seem for everyone else. She doesnt know about the lifestyle that Master and i share, but she never will because that is between me and Him and to others it may seem as abuse even though i know my relationship with Him is the only thing in the world that makes me truly happy. He is my heart and soul and i would never want to leave Him.
    Today when i began to bear my soul, i thought that the topic would stay on my illness and the symptoms and how im dealing with that, but much like last week it turned back to talking about my family and everything going on with us. Much like how i bare my heart and soul here in my blog, i poured my heart out to this woman who knew nothing of my family until i told her. There were many moments were i felt so overcome with emotion that i could barely speak about the things i faced growing up. She listened to me talk of how i always had to be the perfect child and that my mother always seemed to act one way around certain people and completely different around others. She honestly is bipolar, not completely in a medical sense but in her actions. It took me pouring my heart and soul out to realize that with all these years there has been a lot that i have just swallowed and took because it was my parents and i had to just deal with it to move on. It was what i had to do to be able to function in the only family that i had. To me it was scarier to act out and be thrown out on my own with nobody to care for me or be there when i needed them.
   Years after years of emotions poured out into the conversation between me and her. It was amazing to let my true emotions out and say that i felt that ive never really been taken care of and that my emotions were real. To hear that what i faced is quite honestly emotional abuse, i was shocked. To hear that when you were younger, you faced years of abuse and are still facing it is shocking to hear. It's much like when an abused woman stays with the man because she didnt feel that she was being abused---that is how i felt. To hear that i was being abused, i just couldnt believe it. In all honesty i really didnt believe it because im in the law enforcement field and trained to see things like that. Why couldnt i see it happening to myself??? Because i was facing the same thing every abused person faces---the cycle of positive reinforcement that keeps them there. It is why i struggle so hard with trying to stop the relationship between my mother and i, but at the same time i dont want to just completely give up because she is my mother.
   After all the revelations today, i wonder if it is better for me to just give up on the relationship between me and my mother? The one thing that i am afraid of is that if i were to finally tell them how i feel and voice that what they are doing to me is abuse, it would be laughed off and i would be badmouthed through out the family. There would instantly be that black sheep mechanism and thats what im afraid of is having nobody from my family left to talk to. My aunt has already made it clear that if it is a choice for her between me and my mother that she will clearly chose my mom no matter what the cost is between me and her. Knowing this is why im so afraid to cut the ties to the abuse that i constantly deal with on a semi-weekly basis. Who will be there for me when i have nobody left and a huge hole in my heart from my family?? Master will and His family will, but i wonder if anyone else from my family will or will i lose everyone?
   Having to face these fears is going to be a reality for me at some point in time, but i wonder when that will be? Who of my friends will believe the bad mouth lies that she tells or various things that are said by my parents? I hope nobody, but only time will tell especially after she comes and sweet talks her way again around His family down here. My fear is that nobody will believe me and that i will lose everything i know.
   Master has been amazing through all of this and i wonder how i will begin to go about picking up the pieces of myself. It is no longer about trying to maintain a relationship with my parents as it is about what i need for myself to keep me healthy. If it means cutting ties, then one day i should be able to do that but for now i cant. Until then, i trust that my closest friends and family will believe me at that time. Now i pledge to end the cycle of abuse and move on not just for myself, but the possible new additions to the family in the future whenever that may be.
    On a side note, Master and i are beginning to think more and more that i may be pregnant. We dont know for sure yet, but im planning on getting a blood test done to check and see what is going on. Either way we just want to know more for our own check off then anyone elses. Its partially because i am showing symptoms of being pregnant more and more----stretch marks, food cravings, and so many more. Aside from that we are hoping if im not that the endoscopy that i have done next week will show something as well. So crossing our fingers for anything at this point. Until then im going to focus on being happy, spending time with Master and our puppy, and just enjoying life. It's about Master and i's happiness and nobody elses(well maybe a few key people lol)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Hard to believe...

   So these past few months have been the most trying in my life. There has been a lot of issues concerning my health and just dealing with issues from various family members not happy with choices made between Master and i. Needless to say in the past few months blogging has been put to the side, but only because I need to regain my health.
   It's hard to realize but its made Master and i's relationship that much stronger facing all the health concerns that i have had lately. Since about 3 months ago, i have had tests come back abnormal then suddenly normal and enzyme levels return back high and then normal again. To me things arent making very much sense medically. To be honest, everything i have been showing are pregnancy symptoms to the t but all the tests come back negative. We just wonder if maybe i am showing a false positive because my mother never showed up on a urine test and she had her period the whole time she was pregnant with me. Either way Master and i would be happy regardless if i was pregnant or not.
   My brain is beginning to wonder what is going on because it seems that i have a lot of days where i feel good, but if we go out running around for long hours on end it means that i usually end up exhausted and worn out and just feeling puky yucky. There are really no words to describe it. We are at our wits end trying to figure what is wrong with me and have just decided that it will be left to the experts. If they can find something, they will im sure of it even if it is as simple as telling me that im pregnant or that i need to have my gall bladder out. We are prepared to handle either or even if its not those. We both just want to know somehing because its been three months almost four of me battling my health---headaches to dizzyness/lightheadness to not being able to walk right balance wise to having major side pain and back pain. It's like things just cant get better for us.
   The good news is for all of this is that i have been put in an office type job for my area that allows me to sit and only work a short number of hours until we can figure out what is wrong with me. If it means im pregnant, then i stay where im at. If not, then i stay at this new place until we figure out how long it will take me to get better. Either way i honestly like this new job better because it is way better suited for my personality and just everything that i know. I deal with people on a daily basis and love helping people solve their problems (if only i could do that with my own family problems then id be golden).
    Beyond that i just have to say that i am thankful to have Master there for me in my life every step of the way. Never once have i felt alone in dealing with all these illnesses that have come up. He has never once called me a hypochondriac or said that He didnt believe what i was going through. He could always see the pain and agony on my face and was there rubbing my back and just doing whatever He could to make me comfortable. He is truly an amazing man and i am so thankful for Him as both my protector and Master. I only hope that i can return the favor one day if i need too. I love Him so much :D

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Not sure anymore to be honest

   So in the past, it seems that as i wrote or got my thoughts together, the more i figured things out. Today just doesnt seem to be the case. My thoughts are all scrambled and my emotions seem to always take me on a rollar coaster when i least expect it. The good thing about everything that has been going on recently is that Master has been by side every minute of every day and a couple good friends of mine have tried to do what they can to cheer me up.
    When things progress from one thing to the other, i honestly get frustrated because it seems like they just think im lying about that one issue and another one has started up. My whole health situation started with a headache and moved to lightheadedness and dizzyness and then on to really bad side and back  pain. There has been no let up in my health and i feel that i really have only been myself about 3-4 weeks total in this whole 4 month time period that everything has gone on.
   Im beginning to feel lost because all the doctor's do now is try to mask my symptoms. Theyre not doing anything to treat them. This means i have to go back to work in the stress,heat, and long hours making myself even sicker then i was. My cycle has usually been that i go to work for a day or two and then i get horribly sick again because of the doctors just masking what's wrong with me. It also seems that none of them really want to listen to what my symptoms have been and my family history. Even though i dont have all the risk factors of it, my family genetics should play a role in it or they should be looking somewhere else. There are many cases where people have a gall bladder or appendix that is ready to explode and they didnt show any symptoms until it got really bad. My fear is that they will let it get to that point where it gets so bad that drastic action has to be taken.
   Which on a side note, i can add a whole different symptom now. My whole body feels like it is achy and i have had a fever off and on yesterday and today. This makes me wonder what i have because i definitely dont want to have a fever or something contagious and end up going to work. Although, with as long as my problem has gone on i highly doubt im contagious. But still it sucks. My whole body aches to even be touched. His touch hurts slightly but i love it. His soft hands are the only ones that make me relax enough to ease me to sleep and He is the only one i trust to help me when i feel like this. He doesnt view me as someone who is making things up(and i hope He never does). There is just a feeling of hate from me because i keep getting better for a little bit and then i get sick all over again. :(
   So my side pain now is so crazy that it feels like there are constantly people either squeezing or like i pulled a muscle in my sides. There is no pulled muscle though, it's more of a stabbing pain. It is just sucky because we have gotten to the point that the only solution for us is to wait and see the gastro and the laproscopic surgeon and hope they can give us some sort of comfort. Until then, i have to keep missing work and keep using the emergency room. My arms have had blood taken out of them so many times for the same tests over and over again that it probably wont be too much longer before they cant take it from there anymore and have to go somewhere else. They will NEVER do the top of my hand again though. It's WAY too painful there.
   Anyways, i guess the jist of this whole thing is that i really feel lost and confused now. Every test that we have done has come back normal, except the hida scan. It didnt come back completely normal but it didnt come back completely abnormal either. It's just frustrating because i know that there is more then what the doctor's see going on, but they're not seeing the half of it. The stabbing pain in my back, the stabbing pain in my ribs, and the phantom ghost that seemed to grab my side and not let go. (have picture evidence of my side looking like it was caved in on my right side). There are unexplained ups and downs in my labs from they come back abnormal one day and come back normal the next. There's just no explanation to that or the fact that my kidney is still swollen, but there's nothing wrong according to a urologst. Mainly, i guess im just ready to know something and to be able to get comfortable again. It's bad when the only way i can really fall asleep is if Master slowly rubs His fingers up and down my back enough to where it relaxes me and i pass out.....Hopefully this time next week there will be some kind of news and to what is going on becasue this me right now doesnt feel like the real me that i know...