Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Not sure anymore to be honest

   So in the past, it seems that as i wrote or got my thoughts together, the more i figured things out. Today just doesnt seem to be the case. My thoughts are all scrambled and my emotions seem to always take me on a rollar coaster when i least expect it. The good thing about everything that has been going on recently is that Master has been by side every minute of every day and a couple good friends of mine have tried to do what they can to cheer me up.
    When things progress from one thing to the other, i honestly get frustrated because it seems like they just think im lying about that one issue and another one has started up. My whole health situation started with a headache and moved to lightheadedness and dizzyness and then on to really bad side and back  pain. There has been no let up in my health and i feel that i really have only been myself about 3-4 weeks total in this whole 4 month time period that everything has gone on.
   Im beginning to feel lost because all the doctor's do now is try to mask my symptoms. Theyre not doing anything to treat them. This means i have to go back to work in the stress,heat, and long hours making myself even sicker then i was. My cycle has usually been that i go to work for a day or two and then i get horribly sick again because of the doctors just masking what's wrong with me. It also seems that none of them really want to listen to what my symptoms have been and my family history. Even though i dont have all the risk factors of it, my family genetics should play a role in it or they should be looking somewhere else. There are many cases where people have a gall bladder or appendix that is ready to explode and they didnt show any symptoms until it got really bad. My fear is that they will let it get to that point where it gets so bad that drastic action has to be taken.
   Which on a side note, i can add a whole different symptom now. My whole body feels like it is achy and i have had a fever off and on yesterday and today. This makes me wonder what i have because i definitely dont want to have a fever or something contagious and end up going to work. Although, with as long as my problem has gone on i highly doubt im contagious. But still it sucks. My whole body aches to even be touched. His touch hurts slightly but i love it. His soft hands are the only ones that make me relax enough to ease me to sleep and He is the only one i trust to help me when i feel like this. He doesnt view me as someone who is making things up(and i hope He never does). There is just a feeling of hate from me because i keep getting better for a little bit and then i get sick all over again. :(
   So my side pain now is so crazy that it feels like there are constantly people either squeezing or like i pulled a muscle in my sides. There is no pulled muscle though, it's more of a stabbing pain. It is just sucky because we have gotten to the point that the only solution for us is to wait and see the gastro and the laproscopic surgeon and hope they can give us some sort of comfort. Until then, i have to keep missing work and keep using the emergency room. My arms have had blood taken out of them so many times for the same tests over and over again that it probably wont be too much longer before they cant take it from there anymore and have to go somewhere else. They will NEVER do the top of my hand again though. It's WAY too painful there.
   Anyways, i guess the jist of this whole thing is that i really feel lost and confused now. Every test that we have done has come back normal, except the hida scan. It didnt come back completely normal but it didnt come back completely abnormal either. It's just frustrating because i know that there is more then what the doctor's see going on, but they're not seeing the half of it. The stabbing pain in my back, the stabbing pain in my ribs, and the phantom ghost that seemed to grab my side and not let go. (have picture evidence of my side looking like it was caved in on my right side). There are unexplained ups and downs in my labs from they come back abnormal one day and come back normal the next. There's just no explanation to that or the fact that my kidney is still swollen, but there's nothing wrong according to a urologst. Mainly, i guess im just ready to know something and to be able to get comfortable again. It's bad when the only way i can really fall asleep is if Master slowly rubs His fingers up and down my back enough to where it relaxes me and i pass out.....Hopefully this time next week there will be some kind of news and to what is going on becasue this me right now doesnt feel like the real me that i know...

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