Friday, July 15, 2011

What a feeling!!

    Last night was an amazing night and now that i think about it, i find myself wanting more. Master teased my body in ways that i never thought was possible again. It was crazy, but i love it a lot and wouldnt want it any other way.
    My body was pleased in ways that i can only think of as amazing and beautiful. He played my body in ways that i dont remember it being played since before i got sick. I found myself loving every minute of it and wanting more. Selfish a good bit, but it was an amazing feeling that made me feel like i was getting back to myself.
    My body was tormented first with a blindfold on and a little bit of ice. Normally i wouldnt really have a problem with it, but this time i felt like i needed so much more. It was so pleasurable and felt white hot at the same time from all the cold. Then He added a whip to that and it felt like my body was going to go crazy. It was as if He had a little mind reading device in His head because that was what my body was craving. Lately i have been wanting to get back to the old me and i havent had a spanking in forever. It was like i craved one and needed one to make me feel better and more secure. Well not so much secure as feeling like i was getting back to being just me and Master.
    After whipping my body, it felt like i couldnt handle anymore but Master knew me way better. My mind doesnt even remember how many times i came last night, but it felt so amazing. My future is looking much brighter and im hoping that there may be a few more spankings in my future too. There will probably be a talk with Master to find out what's on my brain because i dont want to push buttons to get the spanking that i need so badly right now. If it wasnt for my self conscious moments where i couldnt even begin to see myself doing this, i would probably grab Master's belt and ask Him to spank me with it. It's like i need a bad spanking and a good use right now to remind me that im His to do with as He wishes and that also means He can use me for His pleasure and not mine. Every pleasure that i get is for Him and not for my own pleasures. I guess that's kind of why i feel that i need to ask Him for a good spanking with the belt and for Him to just use me and to feel His cum inside me as His mark that im His property now and forever.
    Weird that i find myself thinking these thoughts, but i feel more and more that im getting back into being myself. It's not that i wasnt myself before but being sick i felt that i just wasnt me. Im not sure if maybe im getting better or im just looking forward to the idea of possibly planning for a future, but im loving not paying as much attention to being sick. Its crazy, but i hope Master likes the new change because for now unless im in major pain im going to be ignoring it until things can be tested further. Hopefully, Master and i can get back to being us because i miss how every night when i first got back was like none other. There was constant teasing and use and just exploring all sorts of new things. It's time for me to get back to doing my duties and if i slip up, accepting the consequences since i think my attitude is starting to get the better of me lately. (Shopping trips with Master=mostly fun aside when i get frustrated and could possibly end up in future spankings)
    Looking hopefully to the future and maybe Master and i can find new things to get into and learn when it comes to the lifestyle...Maybe there may be some bondage in my future or well hopefully some sort of new things??

Monday, July 11, 2011

What a feeling..

   It was crazy last night when i got back into the room and was done reading. Master surprised me and boy did it feel good to be used llike that. He had me moaning and begging for more. Although i cant wait to see more. Master and i may be having a talk later because i think that i am getting to where we can slowly start sinking back into the lifestyle. Not only that, i feel like i am craving something. I feel like i keep getting away or im having very bratty moments. It's been a good while since ive had a spanking, but then again part of thaat is because i have tried being a very good girl. My thoughts may be muddled and i think my lust is overpowering me right now, but i just need to be f****d like crazy and just feel what it feels like to be used until He has been satisfied like He almost did last night. Last night felt great, i was craving something but i dont know what. Either way though i was very happy with how things turned out because Master always leaves me satisfied sexually. I think im rambling here, but i guess what im saying is that im begging for more from Master. Im craving the feeling of a few hits of the belt and then a good hard use session where He takes me from behind. It reminds me of my place and makes me feel like i am His submissive and after this weekend, i kind of wonder if it will help put my mind at ease about all that i had to drink too. He is the man of my dreams and i wouldnt want to do anything to screw up. i guess for now, i will try to read some stories and hopefully they will help. :D

Wedding day family drama

   So i guess now is as good a time as any to try and begin to explain what happened these past few days and the experience i have had to endure. This is nothing bad about Master and i because He has been nothing short of amazing in taking care of me and trying to make sure that i am happy with everything. The wedding ceremony itself was beyond spectacular and my dress was amazing.
    The whole time started when one of our best friends got down here. She was an amazing help to myself and Master. She helped us get ready with everything and helped us take care of the little things that i had left. It was comforting knowing she was here to help because it seemed like my mind was going off into another dimension. There was stress over making sure everything got to the reception site, how we were going to pay for something and a million different other things. Our friend told me not to worry and kept making sure that i wasnt stressing as well as Master not stressing about things too.
    She was with us for a couple days and things had been prepared for my family to come down for the wedding. They were going to be getting down here the day of the wedding rehearsal to help finish setting things up and to help decorate the reception location. It was supposed to be a wonderful time, but i knew from that morning the way the text messages were that it wasnt going to happen. However, Master told me to be careful and just be myself and not worry about what they think. That's hard though when it is my family.
    Invitations had been sent out a while ago letting everyone know where to be and what time to come in. The family of both parties had been told to be down here around 445 becasue our rehearsal was at 5. My family had already told me many times before that they would be down here around 2-3 in time to help us move the stuff to the reception site and get some decorating done before the rehearsal. I was even told that they were going to be leaving there around 7am so that they could get down there in plenty of time. Well this turned out to be just one of the many lies that i was told during this time period.
    ****Before i start on what happened, i have to make a disclaimer and explain a few things first.****
    Master and i have been going to talk to a therapist about many different things that have gone on in my life lately. Although we do not talk about the lifestyle because the military itself frowns on various things lifestyle related, i leave it out because that is most definitely not a problem in my life at all. It has been my family from the very beginning. After talking with the therapist i have come to realize that i faced a lot of abuse growing up and i got the brunt of it because of the fact that my siblings were able to get away from everything. I was unable to get away from the emotional abuse that i faced growing up. Naturally as most abuse victims go, i felt that it was my fault and that it was normal for me. What hurt the most is now that im an adult and trained to notice these identifying factors, i wonder why i couldnt notice it in myself. I guess sometimes that is just how it is. Anyways, growing up i was always told that i wasnt good enough and just that i had to do better at things and i went without a lot, but i thought it was normal. It was far from normal and now i know that, but then i didnt. It has hurt me a lot growing up and it will take some time to heal everything, but i know that it will get better with Master and my family by my side. There was a few periods of violence that i experienced, but when you have parents who know the judges and police officers and attorneys in the city, who do you really have to turn to? Absolutely nobody. I honestly think that is why i fell in love with Master when i met Him because He was the first guy to actually take my crap and see me for who i am and realized that my family was really the way i said they acted instead of some fairytale drama they put on for everyone else.
****enough about the past now it's time to get back to what happened this past weekend****
   Anyways, Master and my sis and His brother got things moved from the reception site and the rest of the food. It just sucked knowing that those who were supposed to be my family and helping me out were waiting until the last minute to come down. His family had a good reason because one of them had to wait until they got off work and a couple others had to wait for their parents to come get the baby and then they hit traffic because it was about the time everybody was getting off work. Anyways, it was mindwracking putting everything together and it just being us. His brother's girl was really nice and took it all in stride helping to make things and coming up with ideas to keep me from getting too stressed out. There was also the offer of getting us tickets for our honeymoon.
    The time came getting closer to the wedding rehearsal and my family still hadnt made it into town. Master and i left to pick up His brother and get to the chapel for our rehearsal at 5pm. When i called them to find out where they were, i was given the information that they had just gotten off the interstate and that they still had to stop by the hotel so that my "father" could change and then they would be there. This was about the time that i had told them to be headed to the church and we still had to meet with the chaplain and get the rehearsal out of the way. It had me frustrated because they hadnt listened to anything i had said. His family was there before my family was and they had to get off work and everything.
   The rehearsal went through and there was only a few hitches from my so called family. After that was over was when the monsters started coming out. My parents were giving me attitude and asking about eating. All they cared about was where we were eating and how to get there and it was just like they didnt really care about much else. On top of that my mom was bad mouthing me His family because i didnt answer my phone while we were talking with the chaplain. I was told that i should have given my phone to someone else, but that would never have happened because of my job and everything on that phone. There is no handing over of my phone EVER unless it is to Master. Anyways we got to the rehearsal dinner site, only after my family complained about how we left them but they were driving 20 under the speed limit it seemed. It is bad when He can have 3 members of His family that are driving get in front of them and drive in front of them. They were given the clearest directions that i could give, but to them it still wasnt enough.
    Going through the dinner, i was trying to pay attention to what the therapist had said about them being a joy robber. I didnt want my parents to ruin my wedding day, but at the same time i didnt want to turn into the bridezillas you see all over tv. It was for sure that i didnt turn into a bridezilla, but to them i did. Anyways, thats a little bit further into the future. Master and i were both lectured about how we paid for my sister after she spent almost $900 on plane tickets to come down here and even then i didnt get to see my baby niece because she couldnt handle the car ride. It still went with how the topic has always been why couldnt you do that for us, not what can we do for you or help you with. Not meaning to be selfish or anything, but the wedding day is supposed to be about the bride and groom not about the family.
    After the dinner, me and my bridesmaids headed out to go to walmart to grab something to drink. They had planned on getting me a rockstar to make it through the day and deal with my family. After arriving at walmart, i was chewed out for not letting my parents know where we were going and leaving them behind. The funny thing is that i tried calling my sister and my mother because i knew they had no clue where they were going and i felt bad just leaving them behind. Needless to say i got chewed out three times from that whole fiasco and it made for a long night. By then i was already pissed off and just ready to call it a night and enjoy the time with my sis and our other firend in the lifestyle. My sister and cousin had the idea to take me out and get me drunk and boy did they ever. The bad thing is that i felt bad for Master because i couldnt do anything for Him and had made Him a promise not to drink as much as i did. The night total for drinking was: 1 long island iced tea, 1 watermelon in a test tube, 2 blue mother f****r's in a test tube, 5-6 shots of goldschlager, 2 midori sours, 2 mind erasers, 1 shot of jager, 1 shot of tequila, 1 shot of crown. All of this was in the space of an hour. Needless to say i dont remember much after that last shot of tequila.
    The wedding day was a long day and there was a lot that went on. More details of all the hurt that i experienced on my wedding day will be talked about later. For now all i can is that my family didnt even have the deceny to show up to my wedding reception. I have no family at least blood family from this point forward.----More details on during the wedding and after to come in a later blog.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

What a wild time....

   So tonight I have been thinking about what exactly to write and how to even begin to go about things. Master and i got married this weekend and it was an amazing ceremony. It was very beautiful and touching except many different things happened. With it still being fresh in my mind, i dont think i want to reopen those flood gates just yet. So i think for now, i will leave those memories alone and write how i feel about all of that later this week.
    Since i cant write about the whole my family situation, i am going to write about the wedding and all that Master and i did. It was an amazing ceremony and was a lot smaller then we had planned. We were both guessing at having about 50-60ish guests and we only had about 15-20 show up and the majority of them was His family. It was just utter chaos and shock before the wedding and after at the reception. The two of us learned a very valuable lesson about how we were meant to be with each other. The two of us are completely in sync and He keeps me balanced, but you take us away from each other and it is as if all hell breaks loose.
    Reading through all the olds blogs from the ones i read on here, i realized that i am missing a lot lately. Master and i did put our lifestyle side of things on hold, but that was more because i was sick at the time. Lately i have noticed that the pain isnt really there---just a mere dull ache that can be completely ignored unless it gets more insistent and increases to either a 3-4 rank on the pain scale. Never before did i realize just how much the lifestyle held me together. It made the bond between me and Master that much greater to the point that i was begging a good friend of mine not to tell Him i had gotten drunk before i could talk to Him because i felt He was going to be so upset with me(another LONG story there----let me just say i wont be drinking for a LONG LONG time)
    Is it wrong of me to want to throw caution for the wind and get back into the lifestyle. Sometimes i feel like im scraping by and others im not sure what to think. It's not that Master isnt caring for me at all or being a good Master. He is and i understand that He wants to make sure my health is okay. My guess is just that with all the drama i just faced this weekend that i really need the lifestyle now more then ever. It is my rock with Him and how He holds me together. For some reason in my mind the lifestyle shows me how much He cares for me in how He treats me as His lil one.
    The cravings for a hand around my throat or just to be grabbed and played with and used because im His is getting stronger and stronger. There are so many things that i want to try and i find myself wondering if i should ask or just let Him assume and know just how turned on i am. Like i really wanna try and see what it would be like for me to be laying on the bed and Him using me because somehow(i think someone had a hand in this in picking it out) our bed is the perfect height for me to be laying down and He can stand and easily enter me. The shower is even calling my name. It has been so long since me and Master have had sex in the shower i kind of forgot what it felt like. Knowing that my place is under Him when it comes to the lifestyle, i sometimes wonder is it out of place for me to ask Him for what i want or should i know He knows what i want? He is my world and maybe it's all the hormones talking right now and that i just need a good hard use or what. All i know is my brain can only think about Him using me as His own little doll to screw whenever He wants and to feel Him powering into my pussy over and over again from behind and whispering in my ear about how im His(especially since our wedding night we didnt do anything cause we were so exhausted). I guess i can only hope i can communicate to Him the best way i know how ;)
    Wish me luck and in the next few days time i may explain more about what happened this weekend, but for now im going to enjoy my husband's company and the fact that i dont feel like puking my guts up anymore. And maybe, i might get that good hard use that i need to where it just leaves me breathless(not that im not everytime but i love it when He plays with me so much that im just so worn out from it). He's the only thing that can make me happy these days aside from His family.But really time to go now... Wish me luck ;)