Friday, August 26, 2011

Review of an old lesson learned

   So one of the readers of my blog and i were talking via comments about submission and how different submissives can have different views of different stories. After hearing her talk about how she wondered how submission really worked, i sent her the link and name for a story that i had read a while ago that is in a 3 part series called "Your Master Requires Your Prescence" on a website. I claim no ownership to it, but after she read it, she found that she couldnt really grasp anything that came out at her. After realizing that, i feel a need to repost what i learned and see if maybe it can help others see how i think about my own submission. Everything written previously is quoted below and is bolded to tell the difference.
    “men want to dominate, to master, because they are insecure. They want to control their environment. They want to control anything and everything that affects their lives. They want to be sure that what they have today they will also have tomorrow. Wait a minute you say, isn’t it about sex? Don’t men want to have a willing woman available any time, day or night? Sure, any man who denies it is lying, but there’s more to it. Yes he does want to find you there whenever he rolls over in bed in the middle of the night, but he also wants to know you will be there tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. He wants you to be the friend who’s always there, the one he can share his secrets with, the one he can trust. Yes, trust, surprised? You hear so much about how a good submissive builds trust in her master, but you don’t think about the rest of it. He has to trust you as well, trust that you will keep his secrets, trust that you will be there for him, trust that you won’t walk out or turn on him. It goes back to that basic insecurity. He wants a woman he can spend a lifetime with, but he has that craving for control, to make sure everything is done his way. Who can best answer that need? Someone who loves him, is devoted to him, wants to serve him, take care of him, but also someone who will obey him, defer to his judgment, be it right or wrong, someone who can allow herself to become dependent on him. What type of woman would best be suited to a role like that? The answer is obvious to all of you here: a deeply submissive woman,” he continued. “Each one of you has chosen to submit to your master. Why you choose to submit is another topic, but you submit knowing that it means you accept his unrestricted authority over your lives. Is it what he really wants? Yes, and don’t ever doubt it. Your submission is like a powerful narcotic drug to him. The more he gets from you, the more he wants. It draws him to you, an attraction more powerful than you can imagine. As a submissive it must seem that you take all the risks. You give him everything, yet he could abandon you on a whim. Reality is far different. The more you draw him in, the more power you give to him through your submission, the more he will desire you. Can you walk away from him on a whim? No? Well, he can’t either. You are fulfilling dreams he has had since childhood. He would no more abandon you than he would cut off his arm. Remember this: just as his dominance holds you to him, so your submission holds him to you. To me, domination is not about what I actually do, but the potentials, what I could do if I wished. If I were so inclined I could order Sarah to crawl on the floor barking like a dog. Am I going to do that? No, it would be silly. But I know I have the ability to make her do that if I wanted it. See the distinction? That’s why your master isn’t some kind of abusive monster. He doesn’t need to prove he’s in charge by issuing a constant stream of orders and rules, to put you through some degrading or humiliating scene. Rather he sees, from how you obey him, that his power over you is there anytime he wants it."
   Reading this section, I am reminded at times when I lose it, just how much my Master loves me. He is the reason that I do what I do, but at the same time there are reasons that He does what He does. Honestly, I never thought about why He is the way that He is, but this made me stop and think about it.

  My Master is an amazing man. After this section, I had to go back and reread it another time again. I never realized that Masters are men that are actually afraid of losing what they have. Me and Master have talked before about how we would die if we ever lost each other because we love each other so much. It’s crazy how you can love someone so much, but be so vulnerable to them too. Every time He makes a choice or judgment for me, He is also making sure that I am taken care of.
   Thinking of trust, me and Him talked about it a lot and I realize now that it wasn’t just about how much I trusted Him. I realize now that it actually didn’t take me very long at all to trust Him. There was just something about Him that was different then any of the others that had come before Him. He was different, but the trust thing wasn’t just about me. It was about how much He trusted me too. I realize now that He has to trust me just as much to make sure that I don’t reveal His secrets and that I will always be there for Him.

   That goes back to the whole part of the quote “He doesn’t need to prove he’s in charge by issuing a constant stream of orders and rules, to put you through some degrading or humiliating scene. Rather he sees, from how you obey him, that his power over you is there anytime he wants it.” My Master truly cares about me and if He didn’t, He wouldn’t be working as hard as He does to make things work like He does. He doesn’t order me around to crawl or do things that seem silly and just plain weird, but He relies on me to do things not because He orders me to, but because I submit to Him and give Him that power over me. I love my Master because of the power He has over me, but I also know that at the same time the power He has also is a great responsibility for Him. Knowing this, I am so proud to be called His lil one and to be His submissive and soon to be submissive wife. It will be hard, but I look forward to making Him proud and following His orders whether they are spoken or unspoken.
   Now at another day, i had read the story for the first time and found three very important lessons to me when i was first getting into the lifestyle. These still hold true for me today as Master and i are still getting deeper and deeper into the lifestyle with each other and finding out our various likes and dislikes. Again all the quoted material from the previous blog post are in bold to make it different from this.
    I was perusing through the sites, checking emails and decided to finish reading the story I had started last night. It was a great story from The Writings of Leviticus and I learned a lot of different lessons from "Your Master Requires Your Presence" by Jack Peacock.
    The first lesson I learned had to do with how your Master is always present. It was interesting because I know sometimes in the past I struggled with debating on doing something because I felt he wouldnt find out about it. I know this is wrong because he does always find out and it may not be right away, but he will find out. I think a part of it would be i would feel so horribly guilty if I went and did something behind his back anyways that I just couldnt bring myself to do it. It was interesting because part of the story was talking about how there is always something you have that will be a small reminder of him with you, whether a bracelet or a locket or necklace or even a pair of earrings that represent him and everything about him. By thinking of that necklace or other jewelry item, it allows you to remember him and use it to reinforce you on the submissive desires you as a person have. I felt this was very true and it got me to thinking about when he had shown me a picture of a necklace. Whatever he gives to me, if anything, in the future is a symbol of his ownership and that he is always present, even in my desires. But the most important line in the story that I read talked about how "your Master is always present, even when he is not with you. Your attitude should always reflect that idea. You do not act one way when he is present, another when he is absent". I knew this was true because you shouldnt ever act one way with your master/dom and another when he's not around. It turns you into someone who is two-faced and a liar. I know from experience lying to him can bring bad consequences (and just to think that the punishment for that was before we have truly delved into anything) and that I dont like doing it as a human being either (even though there are certain times it is okay to avoid hurting someone's feelings in a harsh way, but that is a topic for a later discussion). I realized that I shouldnt do things or act any different then if he was watching me every minute of the day. It was a pretty eye opening lesson from a fictional story.

      My next lesson from the story was about how you handle situations that test your comfort levels. In the story, the slave was at a school being punished for running away from her master. Part of the training on teaching her how to please her master was where the submissives and slaves had to kneel in front of a mirror in position and not move at all. It was where they look at themselves and see who you really are. By facing who you really are, you realize just how dependent you are on the master/dom. It was also said that it was a test to see how well you handle orders that you dont like. If you can handle it despite how uncomfortable it makes you, it shows just how well you are willing to obey. It was amazing because I didnt realize that by obeying him, even if it's silly or uncomfortable, was showing him just how much I was willing to try and please him.

      Amazing lesson number three was interesting to say the least. The story was talking about a master and why he is a dominant instead of a submissive, basically a why he is like he is description. There were two parts here that described why a dominant male does what he does and it amazed me. One part said that "men want to dominate, to master, because they are insecure. They want to control their environment. They want to control anything and everything that affects their lives. They want to be sure what they have today they will also have tomorrow", while the other said that "but he also wants to know you will be there tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. He wants you to be the friend who's always there, the one he can share his secrets with, the one he can trust....He has to trust you as well, trust that you will keep his secrets, trust that you will be there for him, trust that you wont walk out or turn on him. He wants a woman he can spend a lifetime with, but he has that craving for control, to make sure everything is done his way. Who can best answer that need? Someone who loves him, is devoted to him, wants to serve him, take care of him, but also someone who will obey him, defer to his judgement, be it right or wrong, someone who can allow herself to become dependent on him. What type of woman would best be suited to a role like that?" I cant believe just how much that whole section really hit home for me. I learned so many things about how his mind works. I didnt realize that he had issues where he had to make sure that I wouldnt run out and turn on him. I realized that he has to trust me on a higher level then how I trust him. I do have to trust him, but everything that he goes through is more. He holds the balance with everything and has to make sure that everything is fine tuned. I never knew how the other side worked, but I see that he has the way more complex side then me. I simply have to trust in him that he is making the right choice in things and make sure he is happy. I mean I know there are underlying things too, but I know nothing is as important as how he has to handle everything. I think after reading this passage, it made me appreciate him that much more and all the choices he makes. I trust that he knows whats best for me and accept it at that. I know that I may not always fully accept it by arguing or just being a little bit fiesty, but I understand now that he has so much more on his shoulders.

    After talking about the why is the male dominant like he is, there is also the lesson about what happens when you defy him. By defying him (here it was talked about in the extreme like running away from him or something else), I took away the one thing that was guaranteed for him in this changing world, the control and knowing that I would always be there for him. I know (and really hope) that he doesnt want to lose what he has, and that by defying him I take away a small piece of his certainty. I just dont want to do that, I mean I know that with my learning process I will for sure be getting into trouble, but at the same time I have realized that I'm going to try my hardest to not forget what I learned.

      One of the most amazing and I think mind splitting lessons that I had from this story was talking about how our submission affects him. i never realized that there was so much more then just be simply submitting to him. There is a whole power exchange, even if its small its still there, and it has so many different aspects. My submission to him is much greater then I could imagine. By submitting to him, i know and accept that he is in full charge of me and that he can make me do whatever he wishes. The one thing I didnt know was that it is addicting for him in the way things more. The more control of me he gets, the more he wants and that the attraction of this factor increases tenfold. It's more powerful then the attraction in a regular vanilla relationship. With this concept too, I learned that even if I wanted to or if he wanted to, we simply couldnt walk away from each other. Both of us are fulfilling dreams that the ohter has had and that much like it says "his dominance holds you to him, so your submission holds him to you", my submission to him holds him to me, and his dominance of me holds me to him.

     The other good lesson I learned was where it talked about how his control in exercised for me even in the little ways. I never really understood the need for simple little rules, but I knew that some were for practical reasons while others are just plain evil it seems. After thinking about it and rereading the passage talking about the little rules showing his dominance too, I realized why he wants me to check in and wants to know whats going on during the day. I thought the check in is silly at the beginning, but now I see that it serves as a two fold purpose. It allows him to see what's going on in my day to day life, but it also lets him know that I'm safe. Working my job, I know that it isnt a very safe job and working in a somewhat shady section of town doesnt add either. Knowing that he is there on the other end of the line, always ready to take care of me no matter what happens is a calming and amazing feeling. I realized though after reading the story that even though the check in or the other little things he has me do that I might not notice are a way he is showing his dominance over me. It helps to reassure him what the roles are (and he may not need the reassurance but its still there unspoken) and that they wont change, which is good to know with everything else in the world changing around us. I also like it now too, because to me it lets me do something for him just the way he wants it.

     I cant believe that this one little story could have so many lessons in it. I'm not totally sure if I'm grasping the meaning behind the lessons they mention the slaves in the story learn, but for some reason I feel that it can also apply to real life situations, especially with how this lifestyle was talking about it. I just cant believe how much this hit home. I realized that I definitely want to try a lot harder to not get into trouble and just do what he wishes of me. I also realized that no matter what he does, whether it's giving me a hard time to just messing around me and wanting to see me lay a certain way, I can do it. Before I would laugh and joke it off (and at this point not making any guarantees that my rebellious side wont come out every now and then) when he was wanting something, but I feel that now if he wants something I am more then willing to do it. I know time will truly tell whether or not I can keep this feeling (which I dont doubt I will because I'm going to keep this story to make sure I always am able to remember the lessons in it) but I hope that I do. I know that I will always have the need to please him and make sure he is happy, which means doing anything he wishes. I know things are still developing, but after tonight I really cant wait to see where things grow. I find mysel growing and changing and becoming more and more accustomed to things in the lifestyle. I wonder just how much I have changed and learned so far though. I cant wait to get his thoughts on all this and what he thinks.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Discouraged is a bit of an understatement...

   So as the title says...discouragement here is most definitely a bit of an understatement. Last night Master and i both found out just how frustrating things are right now. I guess to explain why the title for this message i have to give a brief summary of things going on----since March Master and i have been battling my various health issues that have been ongoing. It started with headaches that had me hospitalized, only to let me go with nothing found and all the tests coming up normal in their eyes. Then it moved on to dizzyness, lightheadedness and inability to walk straight upright. I couldnt even keep my own balance and that was the most frustrating thing in the world. I found myself using the walls to walk. Well more tests were done and specialists were seen and still nothing popped up. After that faded away, we went back to the er due to extreme side pain that was persistant and didnt go away with any kind of pain medication. Tests were done and still nothing could be figured out. In all of this some results would come back abnormal or slightly elevated and then theyd come back in the normal range at another test date.
   So naturally when we went to the er last night, i expected the barrage of tests. What i didnt expect was being told in a roundabout way that it was all in my head. Master took me to the emergency room last night to get some relief because my back pain and side pain was excurciating. Normally we have the attitude of we will just grin and bear it but when the pain level gets that high, it's time to go in even if its to get relief. We were in there maybe 20 minutes or so before the doctor came to check us out for the first time and talked with me about what was going on. Listening to me explain my problems, all the doctor kept doing was repeating that there was no way that i should be hurting like i am. My symptoms just didnt match up to what she thought it could be. "There's no way it can be your kidney because a ct would have shown something" is what she kept telling me when i tried explaining that a previous ultrasound had shown a swollen kidney. All we got was a big brush off and a pill form of Vicodin. It was pretty much like she was slapping me in my face and telling me that i was making everything up. I mean who tells someone that comes to the er, has tenderness when you're feeling around on their back and sides(almost screaming when pushing on the areas), that there's no real reason you should be hurting because you are only 21?? Really?? Because im completely imaginging the searing pain going down my left and right side and my back...
    So last night was very frustrating and it brings back home the feelings that i have right now. Master and i are kind of in a stand still when it comes to getting my health taken care of. We have to wait for the insurance to approve it, which means there are certain steps that have to be done before i can be sent to the super specialists up north to figure out what is going on with me. It's frustrating because i have a feeling that something horribly wrong is going on and im being ignored down here. My doctor is trying to do what he can to get around the insurance company, but it leaves me feeling unsure of everything. It's my future and my career that is being messed with while my health hangs in limbo. I just feel lost that im the one stuck in the middle while they try and play the guessing game to figure out whats going on with me.
    My body feels like it is going through menopause of sorts. There are some days where i feel like im having a good day and then there are others where i feel completely lost. It keeps me confused as to how im going to feel from one day to the next. Like last night, i went from feeling completely fine to sides in pain like crazy. The only other thing that made me feel weird was when i got blood drawn for the tests they were going to run(which wasnt very many tests in my opinion....i think the doctor already had a diagnosis and was trying to make it fit her diagnosis)the blood coming out of my arm was a little pale. Normally when they get the blood out of my vein it is a dark red color, but for some reason today it looked pale and odd. It was kind of like there were a few air bubbles, but they werent air bubbles if that makes any kind of sense. On the other side of that, my blood pressure went from being about 137/88 to 112/70something. To me this wouldnt shock me at all but it was only in like an hour or so period. Why would someones blood pressure drop that fast?? Results from all the tests last night showed normal, the only thing she found was a small bit of tissue on one of my ovaries, but apparently that wasnt concerning to her. Im just ready to find out a diagnosis so i can stop feeling like im hanging in limbo.
    With the news of the tissue being found on my ovary, im confused as to what to think. A part of me wonders if it is because im worried i may not be able to have kids naturally or what. To be honest, the thought of not being able to naturally have a child for Master scares me. Growing up, i knew that one of the main things i wanted to do growing up was to be a mother. For this to be put in jeopardy, i am honestly scared that it could cause me to be unable to have a child. Who knows what that tissue could be and call me a worry wart, but i tend to think the worst in some cases like that, especially after the doctor that told me she found that completely blew me off as far as my pain and health issues. So yes im going to be concerned, i just wish i knew how to communicate this fear to Master. It scares me to the core that i wouldnt be able to provide Him the family that both of us crave. Yes there are adoption issues, but i want a baby and i know finding a newborn baby to adopt is very rare because a lot of people want newborns and not older children. Either way, i guess my mind tends to go to the worst of things but i hate knowing that there is something going on down there and it may be why we havent been able to get pregnant recently when we were trying. It was almost positive that we were pregnant when i lost it due to a blood clot about the size of a quarter passed. This happened not once but twice when we decided to try again. I had all the symptoms and could see the changes happening in my body and when the time came for the embryo to implant, for some reason it just couldnt. Everything would be normal until about day 4 and thats when the blood clot passed. It's just heartbreaking thinking about how our future hangs in the balance with what is wrong with me health wise. Is it bad of me to already wonder if i should start considering adoption, or pray or what?? I mean i feel lost and i dont know who to ask about any of this because everyone else i know is either pregnant or is able to have a child normally. How do you bring up the conversation that you are worried about never being able to be a mother to your own child??? Im not sure...but i guess for now i have to try and be patient and see where life leads me as far as motherhood goes. I only hope that one day i can give Master a child of our own naturally.
    In other news...Master and i will be going to visit disney in a week and i cant wait. Its probably going to be like Master said, a well deserved break. All in all, i think it will be well deserved and i cant wait to see Animal Kingdom. I may or may not ride the rides there depending on how my body feels that day. Who knows, i may just say screw it and go ahead and ride them anyways. But im just ready to enjoy spending time with my Master and husband and being able to relax for a little bit instead of constantly being on the go. It's going to be a long week and i will be out of the blogging network until after we get back. Oh well...time to go back to snuggling with Master.
    Oh and for those of you who have any advice as far as health concerns or fears, please feel free to offer it. Im beyond getting discouraged now...i think im becoming almost fearful of a lot of things and to what it could be causing all my symptoms.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Some positive thinking...

   So much like my title says tonight, i am in major need of some positive thinking. Work today has me majorly pissed off and im trying to figure how to go about doing things. One of my coworkers is just becoming this evil witch that takes advantage of her situation majorly. She has been caught driving on a suspended license, which in this state means you automatically lose your license for the next six months. There aint no if you get convicted or anything like that, its an automatic penalty from the research that i have done.
   Anyways....she just gets to run willy nilly anywhere she wants while me and my other coworker are left to pick up the pieces. Normally i have my other half with me to help clean up after work is over, but today she was sent home early since we are opening about a half an hour early. She even offered to stay but one of the bosses in the office told her to go home and even took her ids she was finishing up even though her husband wasnt here. She left around 245ish and i was left alone with just me and two other people because the same boss that told my other half to go home also left about 5 minutes after her. Normally i wouldnt have a problem with this, but this left me the only military person in the office. On top of this, i was working with a civilian who is trying to get us in trouble to do things we arent supposed to be doing. If i get told again tomorrow that i have to file paperwork in a cabinet im not supposed to be in, im going to go off on her. She will know that we arent supposed to be getting in any of the cabinets except to get the forms we use and the materials drawers. Thats the only places....
    My frustrations are mounting on top of already having a very strong hunch that the chick getting to run willy nilly anywhere is also not pregnant. Our bosses are just looking at us and laughing because they think we dont know what we're talking about. It is very bad when you have about 4 people working in the office not believe this chick is pregnant. We're the ones who sit there on a daily basis and listen to what she tells everyone. She doesnt realize it, but she doesnt know how to keep her story straight. She goes from being 7 months pregnant about 2 weekends ago to suddenly being 7 1/2 almost 8 months pregnant that same weekend and then this past weekend she was supposed to be 7 months again. To me something isnt adding up right. Now i may not have had a child before, but i know how google works(i dont just check one site here either) and i look up everything she says about how far along her baby is. For those of you who have had a baby, im sure you were told as the baby developed what size it was and the measurements to make sure it was developing normally. She at first said that she wasnt told when my other half asked her how big her baby was after her last appointment. Then about fifteen minutes or so later she changes it to her baby is about 22inches. Now no offense, but i think thats bigger then a fullterm baby. A coworker who has a 7-8 week old baby, her baby has just now gotten to 23 inches. So to have a 22inch baby still inside you at 7 months pregnant is a miracle in itself and it also means that you would definitely be showing. Oddly enough she isnt showing at all. My other coworker who is about a month or so behind her is showing more then this lying, conniving chick is.
   Anyways,it seems like she is just getting let off after each time she gets in trouble. There is just nothing she can do that warrants anything. Dont show up to work and dont call, oh we reward you and give you your rank anyways and let you go on as if nothing happens. Much like Master says, i think we need to talk to someone to get this resolved because i dont think these Sgts are going to do it anytimre soon. Now im not one to normally blow the horn on someone, but i think its time something is done about all that she has done and is doing right now. On top of potentially lying about a pregnancy, she's having an affair and is now getting away with everything from our bosses. I just cant stand for it anymore.
    Days like today just make me realize how much i love Master. He takes my ranting and raving and calms me down. My frustrations are still sky high tonight, but i think if it still is later i may have to ask him to help me get rid of these frustrations in whatever way He deems fit. It seems sometimes i let my frustrations get to me so bad that they leave me pent up and the only way out is a good session with Master. It always helps me to get out of my funk of whatever major contest that im dealing with. Honestly i hope it doesnt have to come down to that, but i think i may need a good spanking anyways. My butt hasnt felt the sting of Master's belt since i got a spanking for crying over nothing. He gave me a reason to cry for sure. Maybe i need a reminder...Master keeps asking me if im going to be a baby from where He playfully smacks my butt.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Thoughts for the day...

   Today has been a relaxing day, but also a stressful day. Master and i talked last night and He suggested that i start writing in here regardless if it has anything to do with the lifestyle or just regular everyday life. When i first started this blog, i thought it was going to be mainly about how i was progressing in the lifestyle with Master, but with everything going on it is slowly changing to an everyday ordinary life blog as well. It's weird how i can find it so relieving to just let everything out on here not even caring if i get a comment or post. It's crazy to think that i have several people following me and reading my blog for what just comes out of me naturally. Master jokes with me because i dont proofread my work, i just write but thats how i have always been. My writing has always just flowed out when ive been in my creative moods and i dont like to edit it too much. So i guess this is me admitting i dont proofread to those of you who read my blog and see little errors here and there...
   Well the best place to start from the day is on the coworker that has been making my work week stressful since i started working there. She is a habitual liar and we now have sufficient proof of that. Now dont get me wrong, i dont hate everyone i work with but when you try to pull rank on me when you are the one in the wrong, there is a problem. There also wouldnt be a problem if she wasnt on facebook all the time. She gets on when there are about 10-15 people waiting to be helped or even when she has someone in front of her she is so engrossed in what her dad is telling her. Ive worked in customer service before in numerous stores and ive learned that no matter how frustrated you get with them, you are still supposed to have a smile and just take care of them the best you can and then gripe and complain later(much like im doing now and i apologize). Well today it seemed that karma was being very fair to her. She pulled rank on me about a week ago claiming that i shouldnt say anything to her about being on facebook when i was lower then her. Last Friday she went up for promotion and after this past weekend and today she has thrown it all down the drain. Its weird that i find myself happy at the fact that she is having down times. It's not normal to be so happy about this(not that im like giddy happy but its nice to see that karma does work its magic when you least suspect it).
    This past weekend she was arrested for driving on a suspended license and also driving with stolen plates. Let's just say the chain of command got a lovely phone call that could have some consequences in and of itself. Not only that the worst part was she said she needed to go to the DMV this morning so she was allowed to come in late. Well oddly enough, she didnt show up at all today. This just adds to what we already believe to be a huge lie that is forming. She is having an affair with some guy that is obviously not her husband(not to be racist but they're two different skin colors so its obvious she's not messing around with her husband). Ontop of the belief of the affair, we strongly believe that she isnt pregnant and is faking it. Dont get me wrong it is hard to call out someone and say they're faking pregnancy because some people dont show until later, but with everything that she has said and her actions they just dont add up. She doesnt know what size her baby is, but then she magically says that it's 22in long and she's only 7 months pregnant and not even showing. I may not have experienced pregnancy before, but i can use the internet to look things up and when an average baby at birth is only between 18-20 inches, if she had a 22in baby inside her she would most certainly be showing and not my size. Other little comments made here and there about how her baby is growing also dont add up. She's supposedly 7 months pregnant this past weekend, but her baby is at the growth level of a 9-10 week old because it's just now growing fingernails. Hard to believe that the baby can digress from being full term growth or abnormally big to barely big at all.
    Call me obsessed but i take it to heart when someone lies to me about things and also calls me out on something and saying that im not doing my job either. I may take a break every now and then at work when we have a crap ton of people, but its either to get a drink or grab a quick bite to eat because my body is starving and starting to show the signs that its getting a headache. But its just crazy how karma can work in such a fast manner. It's crazy but thats why im not going to put my head on the line and just flat out let someone know whats going on.
    So that happened and i find myself tonight thinking on my family It's crazy how they are hypocritical about things and just very bipolar personality. Growing up when i got a facebook account, i was constantly ridiculed by my parents and told how i was going to lose so much information and just all these diffrerent things and oddly enough after we had a falling out my parents decide to get a facebook. My mother used to post under a fake name and then has to attack Master's manhood on my status. It just to me makes no sense to call someone out over facebook anyway. There are much better ways to do it like email or text or something along those lines, but not publicly where everyone can see it. It's okay though because she has shown their true colors to everyone.
    My whole family situation together is a bit crazy and im not sure if i've really processed all of it yet. I find myself wondering sometimes how my niece is doing and just to be able to see my other niece grow up. Ive never seen my youngest niece and i wont be able to until she is an adult because of a choice that my sister made. To me i feel that i made the right decision of cutting out the bad in my life, but at the same time i kind of feel that its going to be an ongoing issue for quite a few years especially if i was to end up pregnant. Master and i both think that my parents will try getting back into my life once they find out that a grandchild is in the future.
    Speaking of children, Master and i are planning on, well more or less trying, to have a child. We're not really planning its just if it happens it happens type deal. Anyways...i cant believe still that i actually am old enough to have a baby. Its crazy because i find myself wanting a child more and more everyday. It's not so much the whole biological clock ticking or anything like that...Theres not really words that i know how to describe this feeling i get, well longing, when i see little kids and babies and moms and dads playing with them. It's like i see myself in their shoes and wonder how i would react in that situation. Master and i laugh and joke around about what our kids would do and what they wouldnt do, but i cant wait to actually experience it. The other thing is im somewhat worried, but not sure about what is going on with my body concerning pregnancy. The past two months i have experienced the pregnancy symptoms for about a week and then  i have the start of what appears to be the implantation bleeding(i use google a bit too much sometimes) and then something happens and it turns into i pass a clot. Its only happened twice but the second was different then the first. The first time it was a single blood clot and i thought it was from our dog pouncing on my stomach. So after trying to conceive again, i made sure to keep her away from my stomach area when she was jumping. This time around i thought i was in the clear when all of a sudden i passed not one but TWO blood clots. It was crazy because it was like a clot, but then once i passed the second one it was like an automatic stopper to the bleeding. Now the only thing going on is spotting here and there(although im not sure whats going on)....it'll stop and ill have nothing and then something happens and it's like im starting to bleed again. Im not sure what could cause it.
    After experiencing these blood clots, Master and i both arent sure what to expect when it comes to the future. Neither one of us really knew if it was something bad or not. It was like i had my period as well but it was different then my period. Both times the bleeding was just bleeding. When i had my normal period before there would be clots and tissue(sorry TMI) but this time it was just blood and a blood clot. Reading information, i find that it could be an okay sign and i may still be pregnant, but other then that i think we're going to take this in stride and just enjoy it as it comes. I guess its new to me so i tend to overreact but i feel that in my heart i want a child so bad. Its like Master says---we have to wait and see what happens. We will get pregnant when the time is right and not when we want it to happen. :) until then i guess i just get to be patient and wait.
     Well i guess this is it for my rant for today. Its a sit and wait game for me and who knows maybe tomorrow will be post with some sort of kink in it lol. Thanks for reading for those of you who read this..

Monday, August 1, 2011

Troublesome woes...

   So this morning i find myself unable to go back to sleep, whether its because of my most recent dreams or because i fell asleep at 930 last night i dont know. All i know is im watching tv and playing around on the computer while Master sleeps in the other room.
   Anyways, last night my dreams seemed so vivid and a part of me is starting to wonder if it is my consciousness working out some sort of problems that i dont know im having or something. Either way, i have to admit that they seem so real to me. My dreams lately have involved my parents and i guess its because recently i have cut off all contact with them. Last night it was of me and i was trapped in a room with them and i was told that i wasnt allowed to see my husband. It was like i was secretly being held captive although other people knew about me. Hmmm...odd enough as that is, there was more to the dream. It went from that to i was packing up all my stuff from my parents house to bring it back home with me. There were numerous containers and things like that, but all i wanted was one container with the home movies and a few odds and ends in there. My memory isnt that good to remember all the other little pieces that went into the container. Then the weird part was that was the end of my dream with them...it moved on to a dream with Master, me and one of our good friends in the lifestyle.
    Master and i were going on a trip and He was driving. All of a sudden we were leaving from my parents house and we were supposed to go south and not north to come back home. My emotions were getting the best of me and i pitched a fit and started acting like a spoiled brat because i didnt want Him to go north. My mind wanted Him to go south already and not have to go way down the road to turn around. He didnt say anything other then giving me the "look" and then turned around in some cemetary. About ten minutes later there is a flash of blue lights and i start crying again because i know we cant afford any kind of a ticket. Master is calm as can be and im freaking out, but it turns out we werent getting it and that's what Master said to me. He looks at me and says "see I have everything under control". Then the road starts to magically become covered with snow, bit by bit. It got to where it was covered and i couldnt really drive and then all of a sudden it cleared up again. It was really weird that the road just cleared like that.
   Anyways, despite all these weird dreams im having, i find myself satisfied with life right now. It is going amazing...Master and i starting to just enjoy life and if a family happens, it happens. Its weird imagining me as being a mom, but for now i cant believe it but it seems like an amazing thought. Will i be a good mom? Will i know what to do a lot of the time or will i get frustrated and have to break down and ask for help? My guess is that these are normal questions for anyone is about to become a mother or who is planning on becoming a mother in the future.
   Crazy to think im married and old enough to have a baby and take care of it. Wow, i really cant believe it. Beyond working at that, i feel that life right now is going as well as could be expected. Work is crazy as ever and im still feeling somewhat sick. It comes and goes, it just depends on what all is going on at the time. Now that Master and i are officially married, i find myself focusing more on keeping the house clean and making sure the laundry is intact and everything else. Honestly this has kind of distracted me from everything that is going on when it comes to my family and what happened.
   Seeing a therapist has been amazing and it really does help to get things of my chest. It's crazy though when you make a therapist speechless about everything that happened. There were words thrown around and basically after everything that happened, i came out as the bad one on O/our wedding day. It was all about how i had been disrespectful and selfish. Although going over everything, i still cant find anywhere in what happened that i feel like i have to apologize or defend my actions.
    My sister felt that i owed her an apology because we basically abandoned them the day of my wedding to go get my hair done and two of my bridesmaids. It's funny though because i asked every single one of them if they wanted to come and get their hair done or if they wanted to do it themselves because i know not all of them had money and it was going to be like 40 just to get slight curls in their hair. It was just crazy to require them to get their hair done and they could have saved their money. However, they all could have still come to the salon but to my sister, it was more important her and my cousin stay at home. Later, i got yelled at because i didnt invite my mother to come with us to get my hair done and that my sister felt bad she blew $2-300 on drinks the night before my wedding. Never once did i say she had to spend as much on me as she did, so i feel i dont need to apologize for that.
   The big thing that still upsets me is that her and my cousin were purposelly trying to get me drunk and wasted so that my wedding day wouldnt go very well for me. It was their sole intent to get me as wasted as possible so i wouldnt get married. While i was drunk they were trying to talk me out of getting married to Master. She claimed that she wasnt as happy as she should have been in her marriage and that id never be happy. This is just wrong because i know for a fact that i am as happy as i have ever been with Master. He is my heart and soul and whole world and id be lost without Him. Too bad she cant see that because she was too busy trying to take my relationship down because she wasnt happy with herself. Either way, i laugh because its like Master has pointed out to me---she hasnt really grown up yet. She has two kids, but yet she has had to go back to the bar to prove to herself she still has it and has even gotten a tatto of "bitch" on herself. Seriously...who really does that??
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~finishing from yesterday morning~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Master and i talked about a lot of things last night and oddly enough we did talk about my family and the various things they have done. Lately i have done nothing but think about my family and everything. There hasnt been any kind of doubt as to whether i made the right decision of cutting off all contact(especially after my mother called into question Master's manhood on my facebook status---so not cool in my book) it's just i more wonder about the future and what ill say to our kids and things like that. It's like Master told me, i worry a bit too much about the little things and i know i shouldnt but its hard not to do it. After living like i have for almost 15 years, it's hard to just automatically adapt overnight from the way i used to live.
   To tell a little about myself before Master met me, i was working my butt off to try and make ends meet and to please my parents in college. 15 hours of classes, one job working 25-30 hours and another job working 15-20 hours and i passed all those classes with 1 A, 3 B's and 1 C. That was on my motivation, but it wore me out and i couldnt do it. Before i started that semester, i had begun the search of looking for a Master and hadnt found anyone. The only reason i made it through the semester like i did was because i forced myself to do it and it was also at a point where i was seeking mentorship from a few Doms. Now im not going into the past because there are quit a few mistakes that i made while looking, but im happily content with Master now.
   Growing up i was always the nerd and the geek in my family compared to everyone else. My older sisters and brother got in trouble for various things ranging from doing drugs and skipping school to sleeping around with various guys and ending up pregnant. Me on the other hand, i was always the most responsible. My parents knew my friends, knew their parents and where i was going i would be there when they came to get me. My grades were amazing and i proudly graduated high school with a 3.8 gpa and honors and a 29 ACT score. To me that was amazing, but to my parents it was never good enough. My grades have never been good enough for them and i have always struggled to do better even though i was already doing as well as i could do. My stack of awards is about up to my knee, but still i was never good enough.
   To top it off, i had to deal with the constant emotional abuse and occasional physical abuse. My mother worked for a company where she got to know all the police officers and judges and detectives in the county. After learning all this, i felt trapped because who was going to believe the child over the person that they knew and worked with. There was no way anybody was going to believe me, especially after my father started working with children's services. It was my goal to get out of there as soon as i could and while still in school sports, clubs and friends houses became my refuge. It was an amazing feeling not having to rely on them to do things, although i hadnt really relied on them at all. I was always the one making dinner and making sure my homework was done, reminded them about my lunch money, and various other things i had going on. It was more like i was the parent then the child.... Back to the abuse though---my mother always had a cycle to where she would get upset at me for something or ground me and then she'd be all nice and sweet again. It was crazy and working in the career field i do know where i am trained to recognize it, im shocked i didnt do something earlier.
    Master and i have talked about my family and He knew i was way different when He met me from how they act. It just makes me hope and pray every night that i dont turn into them because if i do i would die. Although i have to say that i am happy because i know Master would never let me get that way. It's one of the reasons i fell in love with Him. :) He keeps me in line and doesnt let me get too over ruly or bratty or anything like that.
   In about five months time frame i will be getting back into the swing of school hopefully(thats if all goes well). It will be a new experience, but i know Master will be there to push me when i think i cant go any further or i get burnt out and start slacking because i definitely have a bad habit of slacking off sometimes.  It makes me happy to know that because i asked Him to, He will be pushing me and punishing me if my grades arent where they are supposed to be. To me, i love the idea of working on my homework and if i dont do as well as i should have that i get spankings. It keeps me grounded and centered and focused on what my goal should be.
    That brings me up to my new thoughts. Lately Master and i have been trying to have a child and it's been crazy. Honestly, i think im starting to believe the doc about how it takes most couples about six months before they conceive. It would suck if it takes that long, but i guess there is not much you can do. A part of me is wondering if im doing okay with Him lately. There hasnt really been anything kinky done in a little while, but i think that is mostly my fault. At night i get sleepy and to do anything i get sleepy before we can. It's weird that i havent had like a bad bad spanking since the night i thought i screwed up and was crying my eyes out and Master gave me something to cry about. It was bad, but i wonder if im overdue for one. It's weird that i actually think its weird when i go without a spanking for a period of time. It's not that im hoping for one or wanting one really bad, but its almost like i need one in a way just to remind me and put me back into my place and soothe my frustrations. It helps calm me down i think. Part of me wonders what it'd be like to have Him use my handcuffs on me and give me the spanking i deserve. Crazy enough because either way im sure there is a lot of stuff i have gotten away with, but for now im just content with just being us. It's not up to me anymore but up to Master. He has kept me sane so far and im sure He knows when i will or wont need a spanking. My thoughts are happy to focus on trying for a baby because it sure does make things interesting....i wonder if Master and i would be able to try the challenge of having sex every night. Who knows but i think itll be a challenge the two of us can rise to and maybe even enjoy ;) ill have to get back on that one at the end of the month. If that doesnt work maybe another wive's tale to test??