Monday, August 22, 2011

Discouraged is a bit of an understatement...

   So as the title says...discouragement here is most definitely a bit of an understatement. Last night Master and i both found out just how frustrating things are right now. I guess to explain why the title for this message i have to give a brief summary of things going on----since March Master and i have been battling my various health issues that have been ongoing. It started with headaches that had me hospitalized, only to let me go with nothing found and all the tests coming up normal in their eyes. Then it moved on to dizzyness, lightheadedness and inability to walk straight upright. I couldnt even keep my own balance and that was the most frustrating thing in the world. I found myself using the walls to walk. Well more tests were done and specialists were seen and still nothing popped up. After that faded away, we went back to the er due to extreme side pain that was persistant and didnt go away with any kind of pain medication. Tests were done and still nothing could be figured out. In all of this some results would come back abnormal or slightly elevated and then theyd come back in the normal range at another test date.
   So naturally when we went to the er last night, i expected the barrage of tests. What i didnt expect was being told in a roundabout way that it was all in my head. Master took me to the emergency room last night to get some relief because my back pain and side pain was excurciating. Normally we have the attitude of we will just grin and bear it but when the pain level gets that high, it's time to go in even if its to get relief. We were in there maybe 20 minutes or so before the doctor came to check us out for the first time and talked with me about what was going on. Listening to me explain my problems, all the doctor kept doing was repeating that there was no way that i should be hurting like i am. My symptoms just didnt match up to what she thought it could be. "There's no way it can be your kidney because a ct would have shown something" is what she kept telling me when i tried explaining that a previous ultrasound had shown a swollen kidney. All we got was a big brush off and a pill form of Vicodin. It was pretty much like she was slapping me in my face and telling me that i was making everything up. I mean who tells someone that comes to the er, has tenderness when you're feeling around on their back and sides(almost screaming when pushing on the areas), that there's no real reason you should be hurting because you are only 21?? Really?? Because im completely imaginging the searing pain going down my left and right side and my back...
    So last night was very frustrating and it brings back home the feelings that i have right now. Master and i are kind of in a stand still when it comes to getting my health taken care of. We have to wait for the insurance to approve it, which means there are certain steps that have to be done before i can be sent to the super specialists up north to figure out what is going on with me. It's frustrating because i have a feeling that something horribly wrong is going on and im being ignored down here. My doctor is trying to do what he can to get around the insurance company, but it leaves me feeling unsure of everything. It's my future and my career that is being messed with while my health hangs in limbo. I just feel lost that im the one stuck in the middle while they try and play the guessing game to figure out whats going on with me.
    My body feels like it is going through menopause of sorts. There are some days where i feel like im having a good day and then there are others where i feel completely lost. It keeps me confused as to how im going to feel from one day to the next. Like last night, i went from feeling completely fine to sides in pain like crazy. The only other thing that made me feel weird was when i got blood drawn for the tests they were going to run(which wasnt very many tests in my opinion....i think the doctor already had a diagnosis and was trying to make it fit her diagnosis)the blood coming out of my arm was a little pale. Normally when they get the blood out of my vein it is a dark red color, but for some reason today it looked pale and odd. It was kind of like there were a few air bubbles, but they werent air bubbles if that makes any kind of sense. On the other side of that, my blood pressure went from being about 137/88 to 112/70something. To me this wouldnt shock me at all but it was only in like an hour or so period. Why would someones blood pressure drop that fast?? Results from all the tests last night showed normal, the only thing she found was a small bit of tissue on one of my ovaries, but apparently that wasnt concerning to her. Im just ready to find out a diagnosis so i can stop feeling like im hanging in limbo.
    With the news of the tissue being found on my ovary, im confused as to what to think. A part of me wonders if it is because im worried i may not be able to have kids naturally or what. To be honest, the thought of not being able to naturally have a child for Master scares me. Growing up, i knew that one of the main things i wanted to do growing up was to be a mother. For this to be put in jeopardy, i am honestly scared that it could cause me to be unable to have a child. Who knows what that tissue could be and call me a worry wart, but i tend to think the worst in some cases like that, especially after the doctor that told me she found that completely blew me off as far as my pain and health issues. So yes im going to be concerned, i just wish i knew how to communicate this fear to Master. It scares me to the core that i wouldnt be able to provide Him the family that both of us crave. Yes there are adoption issues, but i want a baby and i know finding a newborn baby to adopt is very rare because a lot of people want newborns and not older children. Either way, i guess my mind tends to go to the worst of things but i hate knowing that there is something going on down there and it may be why we havent been able to get pregnant recently when we were trying. It was almost positive that we were pregnant when i lost it due to a blood clot about the size of a quarter passed. This happened not once but twice when we decided to try again. I had all the symptoms and could see the changes happening in my body and when the time came for the embryo to implant, for some reason it just couldnt. Everything would be normal until about day 4 and thats when the blood clot passed. It's just heartbreaking thinking about how our future hangs in the balance with what is wrong with me health wise. Is it bad of me to already wonder if i should start considering adoption, or pray or what?? I mean i feel lost and i dont know who to ask about any of this because everyone else i know is either pregnant or is able to have a child normally. How do you bring up the conversation that you are worried about never being able to be a mother to your own child??? Im not sure...but i guess for now i have to try and be patient and see where life leads me as far as motherhood goes. I only hope that one day i can give Master a child of our own naturally.
    In other news...Master and i will be going to visit disney in a week and i cant wait. Its probably going to be like Master said, a well deserved break. All in all, i think it will be well deserved and i cant wait to see Animal Kingdom. I may or may not ride the rides there depending on how my body feels that day. Who knows, i may just say screw it and go ahead and ride them anyways. But im just ready to enjoy spending time with my Master and husband and being able to relax for a little bit instead of constantly being on the go. It's going to be a long week and i will be out of the blogging network until after we get back. Oh well...time to go back to snuggling with Master.
    Oh and for those of you who have any advice as far as health concerns or fears, please feel free to offer it. Im beyond getting discouraged now...i think im becoming almost fearful of a lot of things and to what it could be causing all my symptoms.

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