Thursday, September 29, 2011

New Rules mean a new diet

  So Master and i were talking and tomorrow is going to be a brand new start for us. Well more for me. Master and i have both had a long heart to heart and came to realize that i need to definitely lose weight. Lately i have taken to the fact that i am sick as to why i cant do certain things or that i dont have to pay attention to what i eat. There have been too many soft drinks and definitely way too many pieces of cake that i had seconds of or other numerous things. It is so odd for me to think that i have gained so much weight, but i am quite happy that this is going to start a new chapter in our lives with me starting a diet of some sorts and new rules for me.
   Master is being amazing and i cant believe that in a few more months it will be almost a year that we have been married and that i have been His submissive wife. Things most definitely arent always perfect with us, but i wouldnt want it to be. Life isnt always about everything running smoothly, and yes i may gripe sometimes because it doesnt go the way i want it to, but i honestly like it later after i realize it was for the best. These new rules are going to be a challenge to get used to and a challenge for my willpower but im sure that Master will have no problem whoppin it into me if i slip here and there. Just like He has created new rules when it comes to cleaning, but ive realized ive slipped a little bit with the laundry. Its just so hard when i get home and start a load and i fall asleep before i put it in the dryer. I cant help it that i forget!! Im only human you know!! Anyways, those are rules that Master has brought up and created and the ones below are the ones that i came up with. It will be interesting to see what the consequences are if i slip up in my rules, but im sure the later will be even more enjoyable because i know Master does it because He loves me and im forgiven after my punishment.
   Which idk why but im feeling that i just need a good scewing right now for some reason. Call me crazy, but i seem to be in tune with some of the other submissves and slaves blogs that i read. They all seem to be on the same wave length. Is dropping subtle hints really considered topping from the bottom or just being nice and giving a guy a hint because you know sometimes us women arent so easy to read! All i know is for some reason i am craving a good hard spanking where my butt has a nice burn, but it doesnt hurt too bad and then Master just moving me onto my knees and driving me into oblivion and making me cum so many times that i just cant help myself. A few nights ago we got to know ourselves while i was still experiencing Mother Nature and let me say it was very enjoyable. Im kind of wishing to get back into experiencing the feeling of Master teaching me new things and teasing me and prodding me until i cant handle it anymore. Granted we cant do it for long during the week, i seem to find that i sleep way better or fall asleep right away after a good fucking from Master. Its like its own sleep medicine lol. Call me crazy but i just miss what it was like before i left for basic when we had sex every night(it seems im always too tired from work and i pass out way too early leaving Master hanging). I miss the feeling of Him just exploring me and how He let me know i was His and occasionally tied me up. Weird with my past, but sometimes i like the feeling of being tied up and just teased and then used or licked. I crave the need to cum for Him and just feel Him enjoying my pussy to no end and i cant control how fast or how slow He pleasures me(this may have to do with Him teasing me with licking gestures earlier today and leaving me turned on the rest of the day thinking about Him eating me out and me being helpless to do more than enjoy it and wish He would fuck me sooner or later)
    So anyways...im done dropping hints if theyre hints or just letting Him know what im thinking. I dont want to seem like im topping from the bottom or get myself into trouble cause that would be bad ya know. Ill have to see how this weekend goes and how the first week or so of my new rules and diet work out for me. Catch everyone on the other side!! I promise myself i will definitely keep a blog every week at the least of what is going on.

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1.  No late night snacking after 8pm at night. (this is going to help me from going overboard and eating dinner then snacking about two hours later)
2. Whatever fresh fruit we buy, i must eat all of it before it goes bad instead of letting it sit in the refrigerator because im not in the mood to eat it. (to many times we have bought fruit because i agree that i will eat it and it goes bad by sitting in the fridge because i just dont want to eat it because there is other better tasting options--sugar loaded tasty options. so lets just say taking out that factor will help me lose a good bit of weight too)
3. Study my workbooks for work every night for at least an hour before getting on facebook or blogger (Master will definitely make sure this doesnt happen because it is absolutely imperative that i pass this test on them at the end of this coming up month. Thankfully i know how to cram, but it is going to take a lot of will power not to try and get on facebook to check something or get on blogger to find out the latest on the many blogs that i have picked up reading.)




4. There is to only be 1 drink per day of orange soda, dr pepper, etc (lately i have noticed that my intake of all different kind of soft drinks has taken an increase. It is a bad thing when Master and i can kill four 2 liters in two days between the two of us. Two of them was mainly me, but anyways. This is a part of the crackdown on not putting so much sugary and nonhealthy stuff in my system so it is definitely limiting of these now and more water in my future)
5. If Master and i go out to eat, i am to chose the most healthy options from where we are eating (Ashamedly, i have to admit that i have eaten a 12 oz steak and sides and a 16 oz steak and sides at various restaurants. My body is not like Master's in that i shouldnt be eating that amount of meat or found at all. There are times where i have out eaten Master and that i am ashamed of. It is not mandatory every time to have salads or grilled foods though, every once and a while when Master approves i can have something fried or greasy but it should be kept as small as possible but still fill me up)
6. Every week Master and i will complete at least 1 activity of some sort whether it is a walk or some other form of activity that gets me burning calories and stays within the limits that i have been given by the doctor









7. Snacking is to only be healthy snacks or healthy recipes for snacks. (Too many times i have just said "oh what the heck" and grabbed a piece of cake or that extra little bit of cheese dip saying that i would end up working it off later or i would be eating healthier later so it wouldnt matter. Now it is time for me to keep this from happening by not bringing it into the house until i get things back under control as far as my health is concerned)
8. The menu for the pay period is to be completed and given to Master at least 3 days before the pay period for Him to review and agree or disagree to the items on the menu (this just keeps me on top of things. Every pay period i am the one that comes up with the menu for the pay period and the meals that we are going to eat. By having it done far enough in advance, i can ensure that everything on there is healthy for me and my new diet plan and also food that will Master will eat and that He has things He will be able to eat as well because He isnt expected to have to diet with me or cook special for me)
9. Every day i must drink at least 4 bottles of water, or 32 oz, by the time Master picks me up (this goes with one of the new rules above. Usually i tend to drink a lot of soft drinks and not enough water. Being sick and having health issues that arent exactly defined, it will definitely benefit me in the long run to drink more water than soft drinks)
10. Every night Master will quiz me from my job knowledge books and i must pass them(this will help me to make sure that i pass my test at the end of the month. Master knows that i can ace this test, but this makes sure that the studying is actually going to be put to good use and i am remembering everything that im studying. Master is fully supportive in helping to make sure i ace this test and put this whole thing behind me)
11.  Every piece of food or drink that i have once this starts, will be written down so that Master can help me to make sure that i am following what i am supposed to when it comes to my diet. This will definitely help me keep from letting my will power overtake me and convince me that the two pieces of cake are okay and that my diet later will cover that snack.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Best friends share a common bond of trust....

    Today is an amazing day and i find myself loving the relaxation of just laying in bed and watching tv with Master. It's days like this that make me so thankful for everything that i have. My head has been swirling around and around things lately and it seems that my dreams are all about this too. Somehow i think my mind is running at a faster pace then what my brain can handle.
     Last night, my dreams were a little weird and ive noticed that a lot lately it has been about how i am questioning between Master and someone else. People say that your dreams tend to tell you what you are thinking about and it is a way for your body to process things when you cant do it yourself. To be honest, i half believe this because when things happened with my parents my dreams were about them and trying to control me. They got better though because Master always rescued me in the end. These new dreams that have happened the past couple days have got me wondering what they mean in real life. They are mostly of me having to choose between Master and another man. For some reason i find myself married but i am longing for another man in the dream.
    Life has me loving every minute of it, but i realized today after reading another blog just how much i love Master and just how much faith i have put into Him. He is my heart and soul and is my one and only Master. The blog i read was talking about how a friend of theirs went through a horrible break up where she was released from her Owner. To think of this just makes me tear up to be honest. Master and i have a had O/our fair share of ups and downs, but many of them have been patched up. If i ever were to be released from Him, i honestly dont think i would be able to live another day because so much of myself is built into our relationship together. He is my heart and soul and i love Him so much. There were so many times along the way that i thought He would leave, but He surprised me by sticking by me through every minute of it. He had a chance to leave, but chose to stay and that shows a lot about Him.
    The topic was also brought up in the blog about safety nets and building them in case something were to happen, such as being released from a Master or Owner. Her thoughts were similar to mine. If Master and i hadnt met yet or were just starting our relationship, i would have thought about setting up a safety net. In my own way i kind of did. I found myself letting Him know things little by little because i didnt want to get my hopes up like i had before. Before i met Master i had talked to numerous Dom's before and had even met with a couple to take a dip into the lifestyle and see what it was like. When i met Him, things were different. Im not sure how i knew it, but when we first began talking i knew things were different. Somehow i found myself wondering if He was going to be like the rest of the Doms and just stop talking to me after a certain point and leave me wondering what i did wrong. He was different though. He got to know me, not just the submissive me, the real me and who i was before we even began a discussion about the lifestyle. He knew me and i relished in that. Anyways, back to the safety net....Master made me realize that i didnt need a safety net with Him. If i had put out a safety net, it would have meant that i didnt truly trust Him and the thing was i DID trust Him. I trusted Him with all my heart and soul and He trusted me. He truly trusted me.
    When our relationship first began, i learned a valuable lesson the hard way. Im sure there is a previous blog about this, but i feel that the issue fits wonderfully in this blog as well. Master and i were still talking and another "Dom" that i had been talking to came back into the picture. He messaged me on skype and i talked to Him. This was where i took a risk that almost cost me everything that i had with Master. The supposed "Dom" that talked to me was one i had started talking to before i met Master. However i quit when he started just like all the others with the "you must do this now" crap that a lot of them do with the instant submission. That was not who i was. Instant submission without even getting to know me was not cool in my book and this guy to be honest scared me because of his connections. This guy talked with me and mentioned how i had gotten a slot to leave for training. At this point, i was confused as to if he had something to do with it and a ball of worry was growing in my stomach. The talk continued on and it turned into Him trying to blackmail me into being with Him and not caring about Master. There were comments made about how we could do things and Master wouldnt know while i was in basic, but i couldnt do that to Master. It was not in me to be a cheater and i honestly didnt want to even be around this guy because of the bad aura he had around him and the damage it could cause to the future that i wanted. The talk ended with this guy and i had been talking to Master at the same time. Even looking back on it now, it still fills me with guilt that i didnt tell Him about it at the time so that He could deal with it. He was my protector and my Master and i had done one of the worst things in not trusting Him to help me out of a situation that i didnt know how to get out of. Needless to say that was one of the darkest moments of our relationship where i was threatened to be released from Him. The feelings that day came flooding back when i read the excerpt from a friend's blog on one of the blogs i read. It scared me to death to think of losing Him.
    Thinking of safety nets, i realize it is a lot like that day where i chose not to trust in Master and put myself into a situation that almost cost me everything. If i had chose to create a safety net, it would be like a part of me would be admitting that i didnt trust Him when in fact, that is not true at all. There have been so many valuable lessons learned since ive been with Master. He is my rock and my solid place. He is the one that i turn to when everything goes wrong. He knows how to ease my fears and comfort me when it seems as if everything else is crashing down around me. Just the thought of being in His arms and laying on His chest comforts me. He punishes me, but not more than what He knows i can handle and He always does it fairly. Everything that i have been punished for has been fair and i deserved it, whether i got mad at Him for no reason or i made Him worry for hours on end. All in all, if i really think about it, He is my safety net. He makes sure that if things crashed all around us and that everything keeps working like clock work.
     Thinking of what would happen if Master and i were to break up scares me, but somehow i find comfort in knowing that i dont think it would happen. That scenario would be a very strong if in my book. We have dealt with so much ups and downs and Master has had numerous chances to leave, but He has simply grabbed my hand and pulled me tight and let me know He was there. He has always let me know that He is in my corner too and that im never facing anything alone. If the two of us can make it through all the hills and mountains we have so far, then i know we will go far. In fact, i guarantee we will go far because of one thing between us...TRUST. It's a big thing, but Master trusts me and i trust Him. I know that He truly loves me and wants nobody else but His  lil one. He is my Master and yes, sometimes i may think He is a little harsher with the punishments that i wished for but i know He does it out of love and no matter what i trust that He is making the right judgement call for the crime and for the both of us. Even in the future, i trust that He will continue to make those decisions for not just me or not just Him, but us. Until then, im completely satisfied with snuggling up against His chest and enjoying a lazy Sunday afternoon, because it reminds me just how lucky i am to have someone that is both my best friend and my Master.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Help somebody please!

   So tonight im left in a thoughtful mood. Honestly, im not sure really what to think to be honest. Between yesterday and today i have had a few more tests done as far as my health is concerned. Which sorry for those of you reading this, but i have a feeling this post isnt going to be kink related at all. There is a lot that i need to get off my mind for now. Anyways...yesterday was the mri for my back to find out if my pain is anything musculoskeletal related. Somehow i really dont think it is, but then again what do i really know i dont have a medical degree. As far as i know the mri went normal although i still have to discuss with  my doctor to find out if it was normal or not.
    Recently, i got a copy of my medical records and i found out what was going on with me at least what theyve done test wise for bloodwork and ct and mri and things like that. Come to find out, my doctor told me that they didnt find anything out when it comes to the ultrasounds and mri results. This i know is a lie, but im not sure what to make of it becasue i found out they found 3 different cysts in my kidney area. There is a 0.6cm cyst on my right kidney and a 0.7mm cyst on my left kidney and another one (i forgot the size) on the inferior pole of my right kidney, whatever that is i havent figured it out yet. So to be told that nothing was found, but suddenly i have cysts and im having backpain in the same area that i have the cysts and where my kidney has been viewed as swollen just doesnt make sense to me. It leaves me feeling confused because i dont know what i can do about it other then maybe ask for a second opinion but where else is there to go. Ive been on base and to the hospital here in town so many times that theyve adopted the attitude of "well i dont know what else to do".
   So after dealing with all that, this morning Master took me to have an endoscopy done. I was afraid of this because ive never had one done, but it wasnt that bad having the procedure done. They put you to sleep and then you wake up in the recovery room. Crazy enough, i dont mind that whole deal because it was a pretty painless process. They give you some medicine, you feel fuzzy for a few seconds and then its off to lala land. The whole procedure went pretty well for the most part, but while i was in the recovery room with the medicine wearing off(and Master laughing at my little kid attitude) i heard that they found some abnormal tissue that they had to take out. This normally wouldnt freak me out, but it has me a little worried. They took out some abnormal tissue. The thought of what it could be is running through my head like crazy and i am honestly scared to death to get the results. It could be anything and that thought scares me. I honestly thought that they werent going to find anything because it is something wrong with my kidneys more then likely, but who knows maybe they did prove me wrong. Even still, its scary being told that we found some abnormal looking tissue in your stomach. It has me wondering if ill be a healthy person ever again.
   So add onto all these worries and fears, work has started picking back up again. My supervisor called me and told me that they were putting me back where i was before. She told me how they "needed" me back and that i had to test soon because i was too far past my date. Now the ironic thing is as far as testing is concerned, i am on a medical hold right now because they have no idea what is wrong with me. Either way i have a feeling they are going to try and test me first thing Friday morning when i show up to work, but that wont happen because im not testing. One i refuse and two i am in no way ready at all. There is no way that im going to fail it when im not prepared at all to test for it. On top of having to deal with the pressure of being tested on my job when im supposed to be on a med hold, they are talking about me working. This is quite hilarious to me because im on a profile saying there are a lot of restrictions on things that i can and cant do. Oddly enough i cant do three of the primary things that i need to do for my job which is arm up with a weapon(not able to because of being on muscle relaxers that make you drowsy and my qualification fot the weapons is up at the end of the month which i cant qualify because im not allowed to lay prone or stand to shoot my weapon), i cant stand for more then 10 minutes at a time(my job requires that you stand out at a gate and check ids for about 12-13 hours and there is no sitting to check the ids either), and i have so many doctors appointments coming up that they are going to end up having to move manning around anyways(they took me off because they were short on people because i was constantly missing work due to er visits or drs appointments that i had to be off work for). It's odd that theyd have me coming back, but if anything happens its on their conscious. Im honestly done playing games with them because all it does is leave me upset. When i get my chance, im getting out of this career field, but until then im going to do what i need to do to make sure im healthy and to take care of myself for the future. It's on them if i get worse especially with the weather going back to being hotter and them wanting me outside....if that holds true i can probably see an ambulance being called in the future because i pass out from the heat(i already almost did in florida so i know it will happen).
   I guess the worst part of all this going on with my health though is not knowing what is wrong with me and being told everything is fine when things are coming back abnormal, high, or low. It just doesnt make any kiind of sense to me and im worried about it. I dont want anything to turn out to be horribly wrong with me because i want to live a long time with Master, but i also know im not in control of that. All i know is that im ready to find out what is wrong with me because im anxious to find out if i can have kids or not as well.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Phone calls from the blue....

   So today has been a lazy kind of day. You know the kind of day where you just sit around and do nothing but lay in bed with your other half and watch tv all day. Call me crazy, but i kind of hate days like these where you have nothing to do. My personality is that i hate having nothing to do because i thrive on going from one thing to the next.
   Master and i layed around in bed all day and watched lots of tv shows that we love. One of them being the movie Grease. Well i sort of watched it before i started cleaning the house. There is something about making sure the house is cleaned that has been engrained in me since i was little. The living room and kitchen and hall got vacuumed, the counters got cleaned in the kitchen and counters rearranged better, dishwasher loaded, floors washed, bathroom cleaned and the bedroom cleaned. To me that seems like a good day of cleaning, but it actually wasnt as bad as it looks. All that cleaning was done in about a two hour time span.
   Master loves it when i clean because He likes a clean house. He also tends to think it's cute. Me personally, i think its just a show of my submissive side coming out in me. Honestly, i really do think it is a part of my submissive side coming out because i feel truly submissive when im the only one cleaning the house and making sure everything is nice and clean and it just makes me feel like the domestic woman i want to be. Sometimes i feel weird because im the only one cleaning the house, but that wasnt the way i felt today. I felt at home and in my own zone when i went through and cleaned the house while Master watched tv.
   So tonight is where the fun begins. Master and i had just finished up dinner when i received a surprising phone call from my mother. Now earlier today, i had called and asked about my grandmother's estate to try and figure out what was going on with it and seeing if things had been settled. Now i dont care whether i get any money or not from her house or anything, but i didnt want my parents to hold on to the money that belonged to me. Anyways, my mother calls out of the blue and im not really sure why i answered the phone, but i did. Honestly, i was prepared for whatever it may have been but it went surprisingly different then what i had planned. She called to confirm what our address was and to let me know that she was sending out the check for my grandmother's estate.
    After giving her that information, we began talking and things were hashed over again. A part of me feels a little bit cold and heartless because my mother was crying about how she loved me and that she never wanted to disown me or didnt want me to be a part of her life. To be honest, her actions and what she says are always contradictory of each other. She told me that i wasnt abused as a child, but admitted that she did hit me quite a few times growing up and that if she could change that she would. However, there are other things that she refused to admit to such as telling me that i wasnt doing well enough or i could do better. Her defense was that if there was something that i didnt like that they would say that to help motivate me. To be honest, i dont really buy it one bit. However, we all decided to agree to disagree about everything in the past and start over brand new. A part of me is still hesitant because of all the hurt in the past, but i will work with them to start over again if the effort is returned by them. Now the ball is in their court so to speak and im anxious to see waht they are going to do with this new chance.
   To be honest, i am not too sure how Master feels about this whole new situation that is going on. He is very protective of me and i am really unsure how He feels about me starting a new page with my parents. His situation with His parents was quite different and i know He wants to help me the best way possible, but i also know that He doesnt want to see me hurt over and over again like i was in the past. He has always looked out for my best interests, even though sometimes i might have felt that there were sometimes He should have let me get away with a few things. My only hope is that with all of this that He understands i cant completely shut them out of my life, but that if they are willing to put a few steps forward i may work with them. He has taught me that i am stronger then what i used to think i was. Master is the reason that i was able to completely stand up for myself and cut them out of my life to begin with. It still hurts what they did to me on O/our wedding day and there is definitely NO second chance, we can try a new relationship from this point forward but i dont forgive them for what's happened in the past. He has taught me to stand up for myself and not allow anyone else to walk over me and protect myself with a wall from those who could possibly hurt me, like my parents. To be honest, im not sure how things will go in the future, all i do know is that no matter what Master will always love me and will always stand behind me no matter what happens. He has my back and will always fight by my side when i feel that nobody else is there with me.
    Tonight has left me feeling somewhat nervous, but im not feeling hopeful at all. In the past it has led me down a terrible road in which i get my hopes up that things will change and then they dont. The future is definitely going to be a rocky start, but who knows what will be made of it. All i know is i am so lucky.....so extremely lucky to have an amazing and understanding Master that is there for me even when my family isnt. Wish me luck and who knows what will happen. Either way im a happy girl with a loving Master and thats all i really care about is making sure Master is happy and pleased :D

Friday, September 2, 2011

Who knew....

   So i find myself just enjoying spending time with Master. Before i found myself craving things to change, but now i feel that my mind knows He is doing what's best for me. Although i still wonder if i should go to HIm and let Him know that i am okay for Him to do whatever He wants to me or just talk with Him at night. I kind of feel like i dont want to be given the option of saying no when it comes to Him telling me to do things like i have done lately. A part of me knows that by telling me no and keeping me on edge longer, it increases my chances of pleasuring Master way more and i reallly really want to cum for Him like no other(like the one night i got His shirt and the sheets wet from my cum)A part of me feels that i want to try anal some more with Him because i feel we havent done that in a while, maybe because of the concerns going on...i dont know. All i know is it hasnt gone on a lot lately and i kind of miss it in a way. It burns and then feels oh soooooo good as Master pounds into my hole. Thinking of that and just having Him pounding into me as hard as He can just calling me His slut and reminding me of where i stand is an amazing thing to me. In the past i have felt what it was like to have Him cum in my pussy, now i kind of wonder what it would feel like for Him to cum in my ass after just screwing me for minutes on end. :) Who knows...i think i may offer a pair of handcuffs and a naked lil one to Him after i put the doggie to bed.
    But either way...i find myself oddly calm about things in the future although after looking at the old rules, i do think they do need to  change but im going to personally change them to what they have become now :) Although im still going to talk with Master, i dont feel so much as im letting myself slip away as i was before...i just feel sometimes my brain gets ahead of me and craves more then my mind or body could possibly handle. Master has things planned and He does what He does to keep me safe and it may take me a little bit to get used to it, but im determined to keep that thought in my head now. Now i think im going to finish reading my story, put the doggie up and then maybe play with those handcuffs and experience them for myself for the first time with Master ;)  (although i may need to grab the key first too lol or just leave it be and let Master have fun with that too)

What a relief...or is it?

   So today is the first day that Master and i have been back in our house since we went on vacation last Sunday. To be honest, it is an amazing feeling to be able to sleep in our bed again i think is the most amazing part of it all. Dont get me wrong, the vacation was amazing but sometimes you just need to fall asleep in your own bed. Not to mention, i have to be honest...i missed our baby---our doggie Abby. She is so cute and i missed her little crack dog moments.
    Master spoiled me rotten on the trip and i loved every minute of it. There were times where He almost threatened punishment on me, but it was because i was being my usual self and worrying about something that He said was completely fine. We went and toured around Disney and Busch Gardens. Growing up, i always was interested in rollar coasters, but there was one at Busch Gardens that completely wiped me out for the rest of the day. My need for rollar coasters was no longer there after that one. I rode one that took you to the top and then hung there for about 2-3 seconds before dropping you almost directly down. It was crazy, but it felt amazing and it didnt make me sick at all. Then i got on another rollar coaster that flipped you upside down and twisted and turned one direction then another one right after the other. With them being so close together, it messed up my equilibrium which is even more messed up already with me being sick. But all in all i had fun and got to explore Disney with Master and the two of us got to spend time with His brother that is a little bit too far to visit with as often as we'd like.
    So enough about the vacation, i kind of need to start talking about my reason for blogging today. Partially, i think it is because i feel like something is missing in myself lately. Even my dreams have been chaotic and if i paid attention to them, it means something needs to change. The other night i had a horrible dream that one of Master's friends was into the lifestyle or knew about it and caught me in the shower with someone else. Now Master knows that i would NEVER EVER be with anyone else other then Hiim, but the really weird thing was that His friend knew about us and how we were. It's crazy, but i feel that i dont have anybody extremely close to me to talk to about the lifestyle and when i go to talk to the counselor about everything going on with my health and my parents, it's hard because she is missing out on a part of me that is way greater involved then what she sees. It just makes me feel weird because i cant talk about everything that is going on partially because the military frowns on anything in the bdsm lifestyle and because it's just not an everyday topic to be discussed even if my therapist has a confidentiality agreement.
    I guess with what i said above, i kind of feel that my sense of self is slipping away bit by bit. Master is trying to do what He can, but He's also trying to be cautious and not make any of my symptoms flare up worse then what they already are. Call me crazy, but a lot of times the brief times that we have a moment it makes me forget everything that is going on and realize just how much i love being in the lifestyle with Master. As much as i know He is trying to do what's best for me and my health, a part of me wonders if more could be done. I mean should i ask Master to start getting more strict or what do i do? There's not exactly a protocol to follow when talking to your Master about how you feel things arent the way they used to be. To me it's scary and im not even sure how to even begin to approach it. Talking is usually the best thing, but how do you begin to start a conversation like this?? Who knows, but i guess i need to try.
   Today i have been thinking about how things were before i got sick and how they are now. Sometimes i feel like i get away with more, but then again i never know because im not in Master's head. He knows what He will let me get away with and what He wont let me get away with. As odd as it sounds though, i find myself getting out of my routine and doing more things that i want to do and not doing things that i was supposed to be doing when W/we set up the rules. The no underware when i wear or skirt or when im with Him has gone out the window and im not sure why. Maybe its because i made the decision that i didnt want to wear them anymore or i dont know. Maybe its time for a rules revamp to work with our new living situation...especially since they were put together when me and Him were still living miles apart.
    Is it bad for me to want or need something everyday from Him just to remind me of where i stand, whether its a powerful kiss that leaves me weak in the knees or a spanking to remind me that He can do whatever He wants to me when. It would kind of go with last night. Vaguely my mind remembers Him rubbing up against me, hard as a rock and all i could care about was going to sleep. Sometimes i wonder what it would be like if He just took me and used me in the middle of the night because He was turned on?? Honestly, i kind of want to experience because it lets me know everytime that He does the little things like that just how much He loves me. Its kind of like a new song out says "remind me, all those things that you used to do that made me fall in love with you, remind me". Who knows....all i know is that there's so much left that i want to experience in the lifestyle and maybe im getting impatient. I dont know, but i do know that i owe Master for His birthday because i was on my time of the month and i think He had something in mind with me wearing one thing---possibly a pair of handcuffs and He gets to tease me and pleasure me as He wishes. A part of me hopes that it will be a LONG session with lots going on. It's weird that i find myself wishing for that....but i feel like im missing a part of what we used to do when we first got together. Master would tease me for hours on end and i believe He came more then once with all that we did. Who knows, but i do believe Master and i have a good talk ahead of us about what can be done to fix my feeling or He may already know and have plans to fix it and just surprise me when i least expect it. All i know is i want to kill this feeling before my rebelliousness breaks out more and more(my saying no to Him when He says He's going to play with something or just saying no to something that He says He will do period)...wish me luck because i honestly think it may be time for me to learn a few more lessons whatever they may be.