Sunday, October 30, 2011

A Football Game Date for U/us

   So today has been a wonderful day that I just cant get enough of. Its days like today that i am just so thankful for having a wonderful Master like i do. He is truly amazing and i love Him more and more every day.
   Yesterday Master and i had somewhat of a date day. We woke up early to leave early for our football game. Master and i were lucky enough to win tickets to go to the GA vs FL game yesterday that was held in Jacksonville. This event is in such high demand that tickets are sold at least a year in advance, possibly longer. We were lucky enough to receive tickets that someone had donated for a certain group. These seats were amazing, but before i start about that i need to tell you about the day.
   Master and i woke up about 7am to make sure we got down to Jacksonville in enough time to get good parking. He was getting ready and i had so much fun cooking Him breakfast. He had scrambled eggs and biscuits while i had oatmeal and a biscuit. It was so much fun cooking for Him and knowing that He was going to have a good meal before we left. We left with our lunch packed and snacks for the drive down because needless to say we were pressed for money to make it down there and to be able to drive back. Thankfully, our prayers were answered and we were able to get a little bit of money by taking unused items back to walmart to get us a little bit extra money(speaking of...is anybody in need of a George Foreman grill for two?? Its been used twice and has everything and is nice and clean and back in its original packing)
    The drive down to Jacksonville to the game was amazing. My body wasnt tired at all and i couldnt tell that my back was hurting me. Everything seemed fine. It was a little chilly, but as we got closer and closer the sun started to come out. We got to the stadium and enjoyed our home brought lunch of pb &j. Master loved it and we both went to check out the river and then headed to our seats. We sat in the second deck and had excellent seats. It was my first ever college football game and i couldnt wait to enjoy it with Master. He had always talked about taking me to a college game and my first happened to be one of the biggest rivalries in the south. It was an amazing game and i loved every minute of it.
   The bad thing about the game was we had to walk about 15 minutes to get to the stadium. To be honest, i didnt have any kind of problem with walking to the stadium. My body on the other hand protested a little bit. We had to stop on the way for me to rest before things got too bad. We mad and went in and walked up the ramp to our seats. The seats were at an amazing position and we sat until the game started. Part way through the first half, i realized my body wasnt liking what was going on. I was a little hot and my back was starting to throb horribly. Added to that, my chest started hurting and it wasnt something that i could ignore. Try as i might, it seemed my symptoms werent going to let me ignore them. I put them aside though because there was no way i was asking Master to leave this game because i was feeling bad. Yes, i did have my medicine but i couldnt take it and there was no way that i was going to pay 7 dollars for a drink that would be gone in 2 minutes. It wasnt worth it in my eyes. He knew something was wrong, but i kept promising Him i was okay.
   To Master, this was like the greatest gift for Him. He has done nothing but be there for me and now that He was able to go to one of the games that were one of His dreams, i wasnt going to ruin it. I was going to hold out no longer what it meant because i was definitely not ruining this day for Him. As the second half wore on, i cheered on and on and threw my hands up in frustration when they did bad but my back got worse. I could feel it swelling and it hurt a good bit, but it was enough to where i could swallow it. I was sucking it up for Him. I lasted out until the fourth quarter. They took the lead and was blocking well when i suggested we leave. There was about 10 minutes left so i hoped that we would keep the edge over FL. Walking back to the car that night, my back was on fire and my knee had started hurting and it was like i was walking a marathon or something. I had to focus on my breathing and everything. It was wonderful though because He was so supportive of everything and asked me if  i needed to stop and just took care of me. He really makes my heart melt at how sensitive He can be when it comes to taking care of me when im sick.
    We made it back to the car and boy were we exhausted. We had been up since 7am and now had a long drive back to our home. It was about a 4 hour drive, but it was still a long drive since it was already almost 8 at night when we left. We stopped for food and talked about all sorts of things. I took a pain killer when we stopped for food, so when we got home i felt like a mac truck had hit me. The effects of the pain killer were clearly kicking in and i felt that my whole body was just doing whatever. There was no thought process as to what i was doing and all i knew was that i wanted to sleep so badly. Master had me ice my back for a little bit, but to be honest it did nothing to help it.
I passed out and woke up around one today.
    The day to me was a day of just relaxing and laying with Master in our bed and watching all sorts of movies on tv. It was nice to just lay down and do nothing. I loved it because its not very often that i get to just lay around and do nothing. So i definitely enjoyed it. Yesterday makes me feel bad thinking about it though because Master didnt get to see the last part of the game. He wanted to leave because He left it up to me and my choice. I knew that i wouldnt be able to stand the walk back with all those people that were going to be trying to get out at the same time. It would just make things worse with my back. I only hope that it didnt make it bad that He had to keep checking on me during the game.
    Master and i have started to realize that i am getting back to what we were before i got sick. We arent going to fully be back to us until they can figure out what is really wrong with me or i just get better, but i relish in the moments when i can just lay with Him and be myself. He loves me being lil one and i love when i can show my submission by cooking for Him and doing laundry and things like that. So i can only hope that i can continue being His good lil one and keep getting spanked or punished when i screw up. Which is weird because i dont think ive screwed up lately, but i know whenever i do Master will be there to guide me when i go wrong. Until then, its just us.
    Although i cant wait to get back to using our toys and see what more pleasures each of them can bring. (Whole new post that i forgot to talk about i think----my first endeavor into a sex toy shop). Master hasnt used them a lot lately and i kind of miss them and miss Him. Although that is mostly due to mother nature....so hopefully the future is filled with a lot more of pleasing Master. Im craving right now pleasing Him and just feeling Him screw me until my brains fall out or i experience that bliss of subspace. I guess i can ask Him for a session, im not sure. Im sure He knows how im feeling though since He is so intune with me, but i know a lot of times i have to explain myself as well. He cant completely read minds. So i guess i will talk with Him and try to figure out words to explain how much i really need Him to just take me and play with me and push my buttons and leave me begging for more and just screw me until i think my brains will fall out. Is there such a thing as that much of a need being met?? Well i guess i will find out. Wish me luck.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Why our lifestyle has taken a backseat!





I don't usually write on this blog or any blog for that matter, but I felt that I had to put into words how our relationship in the lifestyle has changed. As all who read this blog may know, My lil one has been dealing with medical issues and that has changed how W/we partake in this lifestyle. As a medical professional it is hard for Me to watch her suffer and not have any answers for why she is suffering. My medical training kicked in when she started to have these problems and the first thing that I wanted to do was make sure she was taken care of. It may not be how our Doms thinkk or act but I dont pretend to be anyone else except Me. As she has said plenty of times in this blog, I take precautions against anything that may effect her in a negative way as to not cause the situation to get worse. I have seen that she has gotten better but it is a day by day process.



What I have started to notice is that she sometimes uses the sickness to have a bratty or rebelious nature. W/we have played a few times this month but not as often as W/we did before. I have also seen that she is coming back to herself. she doesnt believe it because she is still feeling the symptoms but I can see the glow that she has in her face that she had when W/we first met. I know her biggest fear is losing Me but I try to reassure her that I have been here since the beginning and I will be here till the end. she has taken it upon on herself to revamp the rules and also to get back in school. I love that she is going back to school and trying to better herself. she is WAY over qualified for the job that she is doing now. I am also going back to school to better Myself. I know it is going to be hard for her to try to concentrate on doing a good job at work and also passing her classes but she is a very bright girl and I know she can do it.




she also started to venture out into the lifestyle to try to find more submissive friends that live closer to us so she can bounce ideas off of and also to try and not have to explain why she has to check in with Me when she goes out. I know that most of the submissive can understand that it is hard to try to have friends that dont understand the lifestyle that W/we chose. Even O/our families dont know about the lifestyle that W/we have chosen to live. Im not sure if My family would understand it or not but I sure dont want to have that conversation.





Well Im not found of reading long winded blogs but I love to read all of the submissive blogs that My lil one is following. I love to here the input that the lifestyle has on different people and how there masters or daddies handle it. I am thankful that she has a place to put her thoughts and also things she needs to write to get off her chest. I know W/we will over come whatever is happening because W/we have already been through so much. I know she is My lil one and that she will always be My lil one. I think I need to figure out how to make a poll to put on the blog. Yall have a great day and come back now ya hear! (yes I am a country man) :D

Monday, October 10, 2011

Some new thoughts for a hopefully strengthened lil one

   Last night was an interesting night, but one well needed after the way i have been acting towards Master. The two of us cuddled and talked about various issues that were going on with me that i had mentioned in my blog post last night. To even begin to describe it, i have to really think of how to put into words everything that was running through my heads and the emotions last night. Last night was the first time in a while that i have been raw emotionally and opened myself up to Master about how run down i was feeling.
   Master has always told me that no matter what He always loves me and that nothing will ever change that. After coming clean with how i felt last night, i have to admit that i had put my heart on a shelf for alittle bit wondering if He was going to think that i had changed so much that He would want to leave me. Master reassured me though that this would never happen. There was nothing i could do to change how much He loves me whether in the vanilla lifestyle or in this lifestyle that we chose to live. Master pulled me close and stroked my head, another reassuring factor for me when He does this, and told me that no matter what my fears were, they had no foundation whatsoever. He would stand by me through thick and thin, even when my mind was wishy washy.
   Last night it felt as if i was having to become rebellious to get that form of release in a spanking that i so desperately craved from Master. My luck though left me hanging because i wasnt going to receive the spanking that i hoped to get from my bratty attitude and just plain rebellious nature. Master talked to me about my attitude and made me realize that He knows i want us to be 24/7 but my rebellious side and nature make it so much harder for Him to make things 24/7 when i gripe and complain about various things or stomp my feet. Somehow being sick i felt like i had become disconnected, but it was really me sabotaging myself. To put things in perspective, i read a lot of BDSM stories growing up once i found that i was into the lifestyle. The stories and various articles i read made comments about how you arent supposed to make things easy for the Dom or Master because then it just seems like you are a complete doormat and they dont want that. So in essence, i let my rebellious side loose because i thought it was what He wanted. Turns out, this wasnt what Master wanted at all. He does want a little bit of rebellion now and then because it makes things interesting, but He doesnt want me to fight Him tooth and nail over every little thing. A comment was made to Master about how i felt that i had to be the southern girl that let my rebellious side out, but He countered back that a true southern girl knows when to listen and obey without question.
   So in light of the discussion that Master and i had last night, i have a feeling that i am in for a good spanking (or at least i hope so) for all the past brattiness that i have showed. It also showed me that i have been doing nothing but following what other people think and that is over starting today. In the past i was questioning myself and trying to blend my submissive personality while also trying to hold a foot in a predominantly male career field. It's very hard and i was being told to take note and follow what some of my male coworkers were talking about with their partners. The odd thing is, Master and i havent really had a disagreement persay, more a misunderstanding or miscommunication, but compared to the men i work with we are way better in our reactions. Both Master and i think this is because our relationship dynamic has levels of trust that go way deeper and the connection is way deeper because of all that is involved with living our type of lifestyle. If you dont trust the partner you are with, then you are putting yourself in grave danger everytime you let them choke you or spank you until you hit that nice fuzzy place. It is up to me to realize that i dont need to pay as much attention as i have been to what everyone else has been saying because it is causing me to sabotage what myself and Master have. I dont want to do that anymore and it is time for a new change.
   The other change that i have decided to make is also that i will be changing how much or how badly i rebel on things. Naturally i am stubborn by nature so i cant honestly say that i am going to completely quit doing it because that is impossible for me. It is almost like saying im going to take away the very air that i breath. It just cant happen. I think though that i am going to do a rules revamp and i am going to actually create a book just for me. Personally, i think this book is going to be a reminder to me of the various things that i need to keep track of in my own head from my rules, to things Master likes, to just random tidbits that pop in my head. But back to the topic i started this point about, i want to quit being so stubborn headed. Master may not have to punish me as often but i wonder if we can start maintenance spankings every week. These help to keep me from going insane and losing my head after all the stresses that i have to deal with at work. With knowing id be getting these at some point, i think id definitely feel more and more submissive and like myself.
   Feeling like myself is one of the major points that im looking for and i want to go back to being lil one. Lately i have done nothing but make excuses as to why i dont feel like myself when i realized i just have to change a few things and i could still be myself with only a few minor limitations. So today i decide that im going to stop being so rebellious and id like for Master and i to go back to things being 24/7 but not exactly with Him micromanaging me. I know that micro-managing is tiresome and takes a lot out of a Dom and i dont expect Him to dictate what i wear, who i hang out with, and things like that but id like for Him to exert His control as much as possible because it is my reassuring factor. Knowing that if i do something wrong there is consequences or that if i dont keep track of my food journal that Master will take care of me and deal a punishment that fits the crime. I may not be back to my perfect health, but i can get back to how things were with us in the lifestyle. I crave more activity every night as well as knowing that im giving Master pleasure. We bought new toys and im anxious to put them to good use. The naughty little girl in me cant wait to try these out and allow them to be very well used. There's a gag that hasnt been tried out, rope yet to be used, and another vibrator that im wondering how it would feel. Oh well, i guess time will tell because im not going to pressure Master into anything. It is up to Him when and how things happen. Too long i have struggled with trying to overpower Him and rebel against Him, but that time is over. Now its time for me to be that good lil southern girl that listens and does what she's told(although every now and then rebellion may come out).

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Formspring

   I just wanted to put a note in here letting everyone know that i have a formspring account now. Feel free to ask me any questions. It's on the right hand side of my blog. Ill try to answer them as they come and hopefully i can get more and more into it.

Fear and loneliness sure do pack a big scare....

   So today has been an interesting day to say the least. Master and i have been dealing with bestbuy to get His computer fixed. Let's just say it makes for an interesting dilemma that we are in. He ordered his laptop in early june and the day before yesterday it decided to crack out. I was the last one to use it and i turned it on hibernate and then slammed it shut to scare our dog(she is just too easily scared so we're trying to work with her on that aspect). Well we couldnt find the receipt, but best buy has a way for them to look up past purchases by your name or phone number(helpful hint for those who may accidentally throw away recipts and need theirs like we did). This would normally have worked for us, but we hit a tiny glitch---they couldnt find His computer at all. The only computer it showed we had ordered was my laptop this time last year. It showed my name and Masters name and the address we had used to send the laptop to and to pickup His laptop. The weird thing is there was no history of His laptop at all. We had the bank records and everything to show, but there was nothing on best buy's end of things. I even pulled up the account online where he had ordered it and checked the order history over the past year and nothing showed up.
   So needless to say Master and i are waiting to hear back from someone saying that they have checked into everything. It is frustrating because a part of me feels like it is my fault that Master's computer broke. I was the last one to use it and i was the one that slammed it shut. Master tells me its not my fault at all, but i cant help but feel that i made the error happen because i slammed it shut and maybe caused something to go loose or something. I guess, i dont know, sometimes i feel like i need a little more reassurance sometimes. So many times before in the past i was accused of things and i guess thats why i feel like this may have been my fault too.
   So onto the rest of the day. Master and i hung around the house and snuggled and cuddled. I feel like lately my bratty side is starting to come out more and more. A part of me feels that i need a spanking or something. My head feels like its somewhere else and i feel like things are slipping in my mind. The lifestyle and Master are the only things that keep me hanging on, especially when my health concern is never steady and i keep getting bounced around from doctor to doctor. Cleaning out some things today, and going through trash to try and find receipts to help our best buy situation, Master and i found our old phones. Going through His and my phone and seeing the old text messages and how they were full of nothing but "Yes, Sir" and "Sir" was always on the end of most of the text messages i sent. Lately it feels like things have changed between us. I know they havent changed as far as the dynamic between me and Him. Belive me, i know that He is still in charge and the dominant person around this house. It just feels like ive changed so much since ive been sick. The lil one i used to be and the lil one know makes me feel like im not as submissive acting as i was before and i find myself feeling more bratty at times. Master threw laundry at me earlier today (jokingly of course) and told me to fold it after taking my computer away from me. I must admit that He took it away because i was too glued to my facebook page to get up and get the laundry when He hinted at me to get it. The bratty side in me came out though because when He went to swap the load in the washer to the dryer, i made the comment that " i didnt want to fold laundry" under my breath to where Master couldnt hear. I feel like its an inner struggle with myself from being sick and the lil one that i want to be and see myself being.
   With this revelation, i kind of wonder if its like a self-sabotage type feeling that im having or just all my emotions bundled up. I NEVER want my emotions to get the best of me to where i take them out on Master because He has NEVER done anything to deserve that. From the very beginning He has always supported me and has stood by me through thick and thin and held my hand through the roughest points in my life. He deserves so much more. So i guess thats why i struggle with things right now. I feel that i am so weak and that im not the lil one that i can be for Him. Words just cant express the struggle i feel right now in that i feel like ive let Him down in some way because i cant do what i want to do or i dont get to allow Him to enjoy His lil one every night because i pass out from being too tired. It just hurts because i feel like im judging myself worse then He is. All my life i was told that i wasnt any good, and to this day my parents still ignore the abuse that i faced at their hands(this was brought up by my therapist and not my words as far as abuse goes). I want things to be different and i know their different, but in my head i cant help  but feel like a slight failure in my submissive duties. Im limited in what i can do physically and just struggle with things a lot. It's just lately i dont even know how to begin to describe to Him the conflict that i feel within me. It's a struggle to get back to the lil one i was before when W/we met and fell in love. I fear that im changing and i dont want to change to where He feels He doesnt love me anymore. Thats my worst, deepest darkest fear at this moment is losing Him because of my own personal demons.
    Personal demons makes me think that im so mentally challenged, but right now i feel something so deep down that i honestly cant even think of how to describe in depth what exactly it is other than i dont feel like the same lil one. I may look like the lil one He met, but i dont feel like it at times. I find Master being a little more lenient at times because He doesnt want to hurt me or make my medical condition worse and it makes me feel so fragile. It's nothing that He's doing because i know He is only looking out for my best interest because there are certain things i cant be doing all the time with an unknown medical condition because Master certainly doesnt want to see me end up in a hospital bed with an iv in my arm again. It's an inner struggle with my own conflicts. Reading others blogs, i find myself longing for that kind of stuff to happen to me where i feel the dominance and control everyday whether it is by a maintenace spanking or just in talking with friends about what is going on in my life. Master controls me, but i feel that there is more that i want and need but i feel that voicing this is in essence trying to "top from the bottom" as it is put. Im not the type of person to try to screw up what the two of us have going, so i dont want to appear to be topping from the bottom. How do you go with this delicate balance while also letting the only person that knows the deepest and darkest you know you want more. You want to be taken to that place where you can let that inner slut out or experience something more often because it feels good and takes you away from the daily life? I dont know and i know i can talk to Him about anything, but how do you bring it up when the very thought of it makes you shrink back because you were taught that "its not very ladylike to think like that or want that". It's like what i was taught contradicts with everything that i think and want from Master in this lifestyle.
   This brings me to another point, Master and i are in a new town and granted we arent too far from His family, but i kind of feel a little lonesome at times. I have a couple friends on the base, but its not the kind of friendship where i can talk about everything. A part of me just wants that one friend that i can go and hang out with and comment about how i have to make sure i get home because Master wants me home or that i couldnt do something because Master would make it to where i wouldnt be able to sit down for a week. I dont know. I guess with all this medical stuff and talking to the therapist i kind of feel like im suppressed. I have to hide this whole personality of who i am for work and for the therapist. I can tell him about everything in my life but the lifestyle and that sucks. Its such an integral part of who i am, but i feel like im not myself because im hiding so much. Has anybody else felt like this or is it just a moment of pure insanity on my behalf to where im just feeling sorry for myself. I dont know...i guess maybe its a bit of lonesome and having nobody close to me as far as friend wise because i know i have family in His family. It's just hard you know...
    Oh well, enough of my blabbering on and on about this and that. I think its time for me to come to terms with whats going on in my head. Maybe i should get up the courage to ask Master for a spanking, and not a light one either, but that spanking that puts you into subspace when Master starts taking me from behind after my butt is a rosy red and burning. I need something, i just wish i knew what it was so i could say it. I guess for now, i think im going to try and work on being more vocal about my needs and what id like from Master instead of assuming He's a mindreader and being all sad-faced and mopey towards Him. He just wants to help and He cant do so until i tell Him what is wrong. Maybe i should start with the spanking and move on to trying out the new toys we bought. Idk but i hope i figure something out soon. Im sure Master is going crazy with how my moods are so wishy-washy lately.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Things rattling around in my brain

   So today has been one of those topsy turvy days. Like the kind where you feel like you are completely outside of your body. It started with a text and phone call from my mom to let me know that my dad had been hospitalized in the late hours of the night for chest pain and that he was waiting to see what was going to happen with the tests he was supposed to have. Waking up to that kind of phone call and text messages is not the best thing in the world and i kind of felt deflated after it. It felt like the winds were being taken out of my sails by yet another blow. Master and i are already dealing with my health and starting a new relationship with my parents and my aunt, and now my thoughts were suddenly on my father and his new health concern. There were thoughts of things said and emails sent and things left unsaid and whether this was going to be something to drastically affect out relationship. Before even finding out the results, i was already fearing the worst news imaginable---that my father had a heart that was beginning to fail and whatever time he had left had better be spent wisely.
   Let me just say that with all of this, Master was just the greatest. He hates seeing me sad and especially with something like this because He has already faced the same things i was fearing the most. He hated seeing me worry without having any kind of news and always hates to see me just sad faced. Trying to cheer me up, it brought smiles for a few minutes but then id go back to thinking about how things should have been handled differently and all the things i should have told my dad that i didnt and how our relationship isnt the greatest. Basically going through a long list of regrets and hoping that he was going to pull through okay. Luckily, my Master knows just how to pull me out of my rut because He calmly pointed out to me that if i can tell Him that everything is fine that i should pay attention to it to. Somehow i got my family gene of not listening to my own advice when i tell other people.
    After hearing the good news that the tests were normal, but they had to focus on my dad's lungs...i began to follow my own advice like Master had said. It was time for me to be happy and if it was something majorly drastic that they would call me like my mom had said. Still i couldnt help but feeling like something was out of wack. Lately Master and i have started a new diet routine, well more i have started a diet. Master is following through with me and making sure that i stick to what i said about losing the weight and wanting to watch what i eat and how i eat. Dealing with all of that, i kind of felt disconnected and despite having meals planned at home, i wanted to do something. My mind was reeling and i just needed to get out of myself and away from everything. Lately it felt like everything was falling on my shoulders more and more.
    This diet so far has taken on a whole new world with me. The first couple days i counted calories and went with trying to get around 1200 calories a day, but to me seeing those numbers get higher and higher. It was like i couldnt get them down fast enough. They were going down and i was only over by about 95 the third day, but i felt like i was starving myself because one thing was too much calories and i didnt want to go over. The numbers seem to get bigger and bigger so, i have decided more for my sanity that i am not going to worry about the numbers anymore. My focus is more going to be on still making sure to go with the healthier choices and i will definitely keep up with logging what i eat and how much, but i wont be logging the numbers as far as calories go. It was much better today at lunch and at dinner knowing that i didnt have to fit a certain number and Master was very supportive. He has been there for me for everything.
    Master and i are beginning a new start and this saturday will be interesting to say the least. He laughs at me because i have NEVER, repeat never, gone into a sex shop and that cherry will finally be broken when we explore one in our town. We looked up and i was intrigued by all the different toys from vibrators and massagers to whips and chains and gags and just everything. My mind was reeling and i wasnt sure where to begin, but it will be interesting to see what we get this weekend. My hopes are that maybe we can get a gag, new spanking toy(although ill probably hate it in the long run---its a love/hate relationship thing with that), and maybe a vibrator that Master would definitely have fun with. The vibrator is more of a selfish wish because ive never felt a vibrator on my clit before. The gag is just interesting because i like the idea of Master being able to hear how much pleasure He is causing me or how much pain(if i get a bad spanking for being such a naughty girl). There is just some unknown pull towards a gag and being bound and gagged at Master's mercy and He is playing with me and spanking me and then teasing me to no end and i cum and cum until i cant think straight and then He screws me into subspace oblivion.
    So today has been a random thought sort of day, but i realize that sometimes if i feel like this i should definitely be able to ask Master for help in making it right. It may not be tonight, but hopefully in the next day or two i really do hope that He does give me the spanking He mentioned to put me back into where my head is screwed on straight and im not worrying about different things and just everything. He is the one that knows how to make it right and i trust everything. He knows my furthest reach and knows just how to calm me and down and bring me back to earth to where i feel like im myself again. So here's to trying to begin diving back into my submissive habits again....wish me luck and hopefully there will be no more parental health scares along the way.