Sunday, November 20, 2011

Wow....just wow....

   I have been nominated by a very good writer and person, kitty. She has nominated me due to being a versatile blogger. Im so happy to see that other people are reading my blog and touched at the same time. My writings come for the heart and to me i dont write for anyone else but Master and myself. To know that others love what i write, it is the best compliment i can ever imagine. Thank you so much kitty for the award.
    Here are the rules:
         1. Thank the award giver and link back to them in your post.
         2. Share 7 things about yourself.
         3. Pass this award along to 15 blogs you enjoy reading.
         4. Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.
Here goes:

         1. Thank you so much kitty for this award.

         2. Hmmmm 7 things about myself. This is the hard part finding things to describe myself. Im always the one thats better able to describe other people than myself.
                   1) I love watching old Disney movies and Nick at night that i grew up on with Master.
                   2) I love to watch the storms come in, but hate it when the wind gets really bad because it makes me think that a tornado is going to happen.
                   3) Im a very athletic girl and love to play almost any sport that is out there. I love to play soccer and softball the most.
                   4) I love to ride in the car with the windows down and my feet hanging out the window, singing to the music at the top of my lungs and not care about everyone else around me.
                   5) I was the geek/nerd in high school who made almost straight A's and took the honors and AP classes, but now i barely remember half of what i was taught.
                   6) Before Master and i met i had had sex before, but Master was the one who broke my cherry.
                   7) I wear my heart on my sleeve and will give you the shirt off my back if i can. If you make me mad, all i can say is in the words of troy from swamp people "good luck to you".

          3.  So now to pass on the 15 blogs that  i love to read. Ill tell you why, but im not going to tell you what order they are posted in.
                    1.    ----i love to read it because it reminds me that everything isnt always honey and kisses. There are rough spots and she keeps me laughing some days when i really need a good laugh.
                    2.   ----this one reminds me of what its like to balance a vanilla life with the lifestyle. its not easy and sometimes you have to put things on hold. its lovely to read all about the daily struggles she goes through with her children and the lifestyle.
                    3.    -----this blog just makes me laugh reading it at times, but others there is just that real sentiment and emotion behind it that it makes me feel like im there with them going through it.
                     4.  ----i absolutely hate it when i have to get a spanking, but this kind of makes me feel like i have an insight into why its being done. the stories and writings are always good and a pleasure to read
                     5.  ---her blog is good to read. Her feelings and emotions and just everything on the blog is a good read. She pokes fun at herself while also presenting times where her emotions were raw. Makes me realize some things arent always easy.
                     6.   ---its always refreshing to see what other people who are into spanking think versus people like me who absolutely hate them and theyre a punishment
                     7.   ---its refreshing to see someone else that goes through daily struggles while also dealing with family life and lifestyle struggles. i love reading this one because it seems a good bit of the time she is like myself on things.
                     8.  ---this one is different then the usual ones i read, but i like reading it either way. It offers me a nice insight into what the Dom/me mind is thinking and how they work on a few things. It has actually helped me to understand Master on quite a few things and why i think they way i think too.
                     9.   ---offers a refreshing perspective on life and i feel that im right there with her sometimes going through what shes going through.
                     10.  ---she is definitely a refreshing voice as she is working at finding out if she is into the lifestyle or not and what she wants for her and her husband. Even though she may or may not be into the lifestyle, i still love reading her blog.
                      11.   ----reading some of her posts, i feel like im in the same shoes that she is. A lot of what she does, i have either done or could see myself doing because that is how i am as a person.
                      12.  ----this is a good read and i just recently started reading it. i cant wait to see where this blog goes in the future
                       13.  ----this couple makes me think of Master and myself because i seem so much like the submissive in this blog and Master seems so much like the Dom too
                       14.  ----not quite sure why i like this one, but i know it is definitely a good read.
                       15.   ---all about a girl who is new to the lifestyle. an awesome read to see how things work with her and her Daddy in their lifestyle.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Definitely facing raw emotions and struggle

  If my head full of feelings was able to be translated into words, i feel that i wouldnt even know where to start. For some reason its like this awful monster has taken over my head and my life tonight. There is just no way for me to put into words how i feel. Its confusing and raw and heavy. It feels like its clawing at me and im fighting it, but the harder i fight it the faster it takes over me.
    Master and i have talked numerous times about children and how i feel so worried about whether i will be able to give Him kids or not. He is my whole world and for some odd reason the only thought on my head has been about how i wish to provide Him one of the most important things to me. Everytime the two of U/us have talked He reminds me that its not something that has to happen overnight. Its something that has eaten at me since i got sick because i feel that my health issues have gotten in the way.
    Before i go into more detail i have to say that this next little part is raw and i am not sure what is going to go through my head as i type these next words. The weird though is that i dont feel so focused on the thought of having kids. My head makes it feel like its constantly in my head. TO me i feel that life is so short and with my health concerns, i dont ever know what is going to happen. Before life got hectic for us and i found out how much of a pain in the butt that my family can be, we were facing my health concerns. Things had seemed to stabilize with my health for a short period of time and we were trying for a child. We werent told that we couldnt try and the weird thing was that the first two times we tried, i think i did get pregnant. All the signs and symptoms were there and i felt such a hope and a light feeling that we were going to have a child. I read all about the feelings and what to expect if you were expecting a child. I had the sensitive boobs(not because Master had been playing with them) and i was definitely seeing the skin changes(the darkening of the boobs too) and was thirsty as could be. Being as thirsty as i was definitely changed things for me because i had never been that thirsty in a long time. Growing up, i had always wanted to be a mother. I knew it was one of the most important things to me and to be honest, i wanted to be a stay at home mom and just provide a nice home cooked meal and everything for my husband, whoever He would be. So to finally know that i was pregnant was amazing. Before all these feelings i had been pregnancy tested before because of my other medical symptoms, but never experienced them like i did once i knew i was. Its weird how you can just know, but with everything out of whack at that time, i could tell this was different then the rest of the symptoms.
    So going through everything, i was so happy and thought i was. I began to drink more water and was even taking prenatals just in case(also a suggestion from the obgyn to take them if we were trying to get pregnant at the time). I hadnt really told Master either time because i wasnt for sure if i really was. It was about two weeks after i thought i got pregnant and probably about a week after noticing the extremely sensitive boobs and the extreme thirst that i had the description of implantation bleeding. In the beginning it did just like what everyone said it would do. The bleeding was extremely light and it was like that for two days or so. Then it got really weird. The first time our dog pounced on my stomach. The bleeding had almost ended and it seemed that she had jump started it somehow. I began to bleed heavy and dark blood. It looked almost like my normal period minus the tissue coming out. So i thought maybe it would do that for a day or two and then go away. A few hours later, i passed a massive blood clot that was the size of about a quarter. After passing the clot, the bleeding eased up and completely stopped. It seemed that my mind couldnt comprehend what had happened. It was like i knew that i was pregnant, but even after that i didnt test positive when i tried a pregnancy test. It was like i was in shock and disbelief and when i went and sat down with Master He  knew immediately that something was wrong. Choking on my words, i told Him that i wasnt sure, but i had thought that i had had a miscarriage. Bawling i cried and sobbed into His arms trying to find sense in everything. To me, i knew i was pregnant and i had been messing around with our dog. All the what ifs went through my head and i wondered if her doing that and me climbing all the stairs and everything made it that much worse on me and made me lose the baby or made it just too hard for that embryo to implant. He was a true Master and just comforted me as best as He could because He was at a loss. He couldnt tell me if i had a miscarriage or not because He hadnt seen the clot, but somehow in my heart i knew that i had probably had one no matter what anyone else said.
    Master calmed me down and got me to where i wasnt crying as much and explained that i shouldnt cry. It was not O/our time to be pregnant and that maybe God felt that it wasnt time for U/us to have a child just yet and that we could always try again. To me this seemed fun because it meant way more sex and way more making sure that Master was pleased. I think honestly that being away from Him for six months made me into a sexual maniac, but you wont catch me openly admitting that. Anyways, i sighed and wiped my tears and realized that He was right. Maybe this just wasnt our time to have a child and that W/we could try again. Somehow we tried again and about two months after the first time i found the feelings coming back a short time later. I could feel that i was pregnant again. I saw my boobs changing again and saw that i was even thirstier then last time and that i just knew it had to work this time. When i got those feelings, i made sure to not let our dog anywhere near my stomach and i was just working as easy as i could to make sure it stuck when the implantation bleeding started. Stubborn me had a lot of work to do from cleaning the dishes and other things around the house, so needless to say i wore myself out the last couple days of the bleeding and made it start worse. This time there was dark bleeding, still no tissue coming out until i got up from the toilet. All i could see was this huge clot and i began to panic. It wasnt happening again to me. There was no way!! I had done everything possible to make sure it stuck. The doggie wasnt jumping on my stomach and i was taking it as light as i could without being a total couch potato. The clot passed anyway and it was about the size of a quarter again. This time it wasnt just one, there were two clots and then the bleeding just magically stopped. It was like the clot was some magic drain stopper or something. I was heart broken.
    The one thing that i could do for Master and i was screwing it up. This happened not once but TWICE. I felt like i had done something wrong when i could have controlled something. There was just raw emotion and hurt and i dont know what else there. Its weird because im sure some people would say that i was never pregnant because the embryo didnt implant so theres no way i was pregnant and thats why my tests were negative, but i know my body and i know what i felt. I WAS pregnant then.
    Master has comforted me numerous times when i get these thoughts in my head but it is so hard to see everyone out walking around and having kids left and right. We were told not even a month after trying the second time not to try at getting pregnant anymore because it would complicate the doctor's attempt to treat whatever was going on with me. It was heart breaking to be told that you cant do what everyone else around you is able to do like rabbits. It seemed that people who had no intention of getting pregnant were getting pregnant and just the people who dont need any kind of kids are having kids and it makes me sad to be honest. Here we were trying and nothing could result from it, but these people were doing it with little effort. Granted i dont know their stories completely, but thats just what it looks like to a lot of them.
    There is no way that i can even begin to describe this urge that i have in me and sometimes it is so overpowering that i dont even know how to control it. There is no way that it is the number one thing on my mind, but its like there is such a strong need for us to have a child. I can see it in Master's eyes when He smiles at His niece or laughs at the little kid laughing on the tv. He loves little babies and little ones and i can tell that He would be an amazing dad, but for some reason i cant do that. Our attempts have showed nothing and even then my health has gotten in the middle of it. Right now, i am able to get pregnant because the doctor decided not to keep pursuing the rounds of tests because he felt that he wanted to give me the ability to have a child and going through anymore raditation would just put me at much worse of a risk for not having children.
    So after all this rambling about the past, i have to say that today has caught me off guard. Maybe its because i keep seeing people coming in with their babies and i just found out that one of my friends is pregnant and due in July. I mean how do you fight this feeling that is so strong that it threatens to overwhelm me? No matter what i do, i cant hide the fact that i so badly want a child that it hurt so bad that i lost the two that we possibly could have had. It was my job to protect them and i couldnt even do that. Its hard to explain to Master why im sad when i read the news that friends are pregnant. To be honest, im a mixture of sad and happy. Im happy for them that they get to experience that little bundle of joy and that happiness that only comes with seeing that innocent child smile at you and know that you're their whole world. Nothing could be better in my eyes. The sadness comes with knowing that i have yet to be able to experience it and at this point we arent sure that i will be able to. We are trying right now to get pregnant. Well not trying, but its a matter of if it happens it happens.
    My heart breaks because i dont even know how to put into words for Master how i am feeling. How do you explain all the turmoil that i mentioned above that is rolling around in my head and i feel it threatening me every so often? How do you explain that sometimes i just need to be pulled in tight and told that you love me and that it is beyond my control? He has told me that before, but for some reason it hasnt stuck(insert lovely family life story here because i have a feeling that takes a part in it). Maybe one day we will have a child to call our own, but until then i have a feeling that i will struggle with these feelings every so often. Maybe i can get a radar to sense this rolling tide so that i can take cover in Master's arms and hope it just passes by. Until then i have to hope that He understand just how hard it is for me to go through this and not know how to describe it to Him while hoping that He doesnt think He did anything wrong in the situation. He is my whole world and i dont want to ever do anything to lose Him and i feel if i keep letting this baby thing get to me that He's going to crack from my constant need to have a child even if it is from an indescribable itch. But thats where im wrong because He is strong enough to stay. He's shown me numerous times before that He will stay, now its time for me to really get that through my head that no matter what He wont run and hide from whatever demons im facing.

A nice convo and understanding!

Last night Me and lil one had a very nice conversation about how she has been feeling. Without going into too much detail due to personal reasons, in My opinion, W/we came to very good understanding and now W/we are heading down a great path TOGETHER. I can't believe that O/our wedding anniversary is right around the corner. W/we will have been together for one year. I know its not a long time as some of the other subs and Doms have been together but I wouldnt change it for the world.

This weekend is going to be a great weekend cause Me and lil one are heading to a college football game again but this time it is at home! I know that I am really excited for lil one to experience the amazingness of being surounded by 92,000 of your closest friends. I have a suprise for lil one and I hope that she likes it and maybe writes about it on the next blog.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Friendship and some of a famous song feeling...

   Lately i have been feeling like the lines from Miranda Lambert's song below. My head and body have been so confused and i dont know what to make of anything anymore. All i know is i definitely need a better support system than what i have. I need a support system that isnt one sided(my Master's family). I need to have my own support system that will be there for me when i need it and not tell me lies or call into question my emotions.
"You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this ol world and forgot who i am
I thought if i could touch this place or feel it this brokeness in me might start healing,
Out here its like im someone else, i thought that maybe i could find myself
If i could walk around i swear ill leave with nothing but a memory from the house that built me...."

   So these past few days i have realized that i feel somewhat lost with who i am. Reaching out to Master in the last post was comforting because it helped me realize part of the problem. Part of the problem was that i felt this sickness was taking over who i am. After realzing this, i felt the past few days that i dont know who i am anymore. Its a weird description because i do know who i am, but its like i go back to work and im reminded of what im not.
    Today i was working as an extra for a disaster preparedness event that was small scale. It said that they needed volunteers to serve as a moulage victim for the event. The weird thing was i was feeling even more left out then before because everyone else could carry their gear and was able to wear chem gear and things of that nature. To me, i felt broken because i wasnt able to do things like everyone else. It made me feel like the odd person out, kind of like "one thing is not like the other" type deal. Master always tells me that i can do what im able to do and that i shouldnt worry about what other people think, but to me thats just not who i am. I do care about people think and it does matter that im the oddball out.
    For some odd reason, ive always been about having friends around and it makes this feeling going away, but seeing as i dont really have many friends around it makes it hard to get used to this new place. Master has friends that live close enough they could drive an hour and come to see Him, but i dont have that luxury. I think this is where i identify with the line in Miranda's song that talks about "you leave home, you move on and you do the best you can". To me, im struggling and not doing the best that i can. Master and i are living an amazing life, but i feel theres more support from His side and i need to make friends of my own too. Its just awkward when He's talking with His friends because im that awkward third wheel.
    Is it normal to go through phases where you feel that you have no friends around you? I  have tried looking for friends around me that are into the lifestyle, but the only person ive spoken with that i could meet with is one person. To me, i need a couple friends that i can spend time with that know how things are and are close. Either that or someone to text and talk to about things going on and how crazy my day has been that understands. My job isnt one that i can talk about to just anyone. I have to trust whoever i become friends with way better than anyone else, because if something happens they turn on me, it could cost me my job or even worse things. But back to my rant, i really want some friends that i can just go unwind with and be a normal person but also have the lifestyle aspect understood as well. No normal person is going to understand how i have to check in with Master when i get to places or how if He says no, it means no i cant do it and not give me crap about how im whipped and im the one making the money so i should have the say type thing.
     I guess part of this post is an effort to reach out to those who read my blog, even those who have just started. Im looking for friends to email and keep in touch with outside of the blogworld because i feel like i dont have anyone here with me other than Master and 1-2 close friends. Feel free to shoot me and email at hislilone23@gmail because i'd love to chat with other people and know that im not alone. (Please no creepy stalker type emails though)
    Seeing that a big part of my emotional rollar coaster has to do with friends and family, i am making a resolution that things are going to change. I will reach out to make friends and get out of my comfort level to attempt a connection. The family i may not be able to change, but it is time that i stop trying to fix everything with them and let them be the ones to put their hand forward to try and mend things because im done being the person in the middle. It is time that i make that part of her song above true. Im going to move on and do the best that i can when it comes to making friends and just being the best person that i can regardless of the fact that im told that im broken because i know im not broken, just sick with who knows what yet.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Master please help me....Warning raw emotions ahead

****Before You read this please know i love You and hope to always make You proud. There is a feeling in me that i need to ask You for help. After You read what follows i hope You will see im ready to start trying to get back to U/us. The couple whoe explored every intimate detail of eacch other every night regardless of how tired we were. I miss that remind me please. Lastly i hope You wont be upset with me after You read how i feel. I only hope it doesnt add to what You need to tell me. ******
The disappointment is eating at me and i feel like things arre spiraling out of my reach. There are things i feel im limiting myself on because im afraid of the unknown. Im afraid to hurt more than i do now, but also afraid of the loss and what could happen.
It seems since ive been sick that ive let it consume me. My thoughts make me feel like ive lost every part of me. Its been hidden by the headaches, side pains, and dizziness. You tell me how You have caught glimpses of the old me. Somewhere inside of me i feel my old self clawing to get out. How do i claw away the bricks that have been put up by the sickness? How do i get back to being me? Most importantly how do i get back to being Your lil one?
As much as i moan and whine, i really need there to be an U/us again. Its not that there isnt, but i feel when it comes to the lifestyle there isnt a Master and His lil one but more just me and You. Our life has been put on hold due to whatever is going on with my body. Its caused You to want to treat me a little more delicate and that is my struggle. Ive never been a person to be treated like fine china, but i feel thats what it has become.
Its not You at all. You have done nothing but keep my best interest at heart. You want to keep me from aggravating my conditions and making it worse, while also still wanting to maintain control over Your lil one. My heart is in it to be Yours, but somehow my body betrays me. I say no when i really mean yes. My mind craves the lifestyle and my body desperately needs the lifestyle. Its the only thing that has remained steady in my lifee(other than You of course). Your power and dominance calm me and often give me a peace that everything else cant give me. Your correcting me when i need it is soothing because i know You will aalways be there and that even if im sick im still held accountable for everything i do and say. Being sick is just a condition and doesnt change the fact that You are Master and im lil one. You control me, make the rules, and have the final say in everything.
My sickness has made me lose a lot of things in my opinion. It has caused me to gain weight to where i cant wear my old clothes. Its a huge disappointment to me because i feel gaining the weight let You down somehow. You didnt have the same skinny lil one that You had when i met You and when i came home from training. You say You love me and think im pretty no matter what, but i dont feel that way. I hate how ive gotten bigger and feel my body looks ugly.
Ive also had to sit and watch while everyone around U/us is getting pregnant and preparing for their first child. It is so heart breaking to me that i cant do thaf one thing for You because of not knowing whats wrong with me. Its my one wish to provide You with children. Its just sad not knowing what is going on and not knowing if it would harm the unborn child or not.
The only other part is i feel like i cant be active or play the sports i want to. Not knowing what makes my sympttoms get worse or bettr and having physically limiting problems make it hard. There is no outlet for all my frustrations, anger, sadness and any other feeling. I feel like ive lost who i am and who i was. All thats left is a girl who cant really do any activity, partially out of fear and partially due to the pain.
Please help me to start holding myself accountable and get back to at least a part of being myself. My job makes things harder and i dont want things between U/us to be hard too. Its not U/us and i dont ever want it to ever be. There are times where i feel bad, but its not bad enough to be let off from a correction or punishment. Lately it has been that ive gotten away with breaking rules or saying things i shouldnt. Its nothing against You because i know that You have nothing but my best interest at heart. I want to thank You for that. That shows that You really do care for me. My mind is ready and body feels ready. Its time for me to get back to being lil one. Its not a want, it most definitely is a need now to have that connection. I need You to punish me when the laundry isnt done or when i mouth off. Please help me to get back to being me and reclaim at least some sort of myself back. Help push me when i feel i cant go anymore (the diet i failed after a week is an example)
You are my heart and soul and i would do anything in the world for You. You complete me in ways that i couldnt even begin to describe. My heart melts when You pull me close and wipe my tears away or rub my back when it is as tight as could be. It is my hope that You know now and forever how important You are to me and i dont know what i would do if i eever lost You.. You are my heart and soul and i will always belong to You.
Im asking You please lets get back to the U/us we were bwfore i left for the military. Dont let me lose myself because im afraid im going down that road. There are days i will be hurting, there are days where i will be almost back to normal, and then days where im in between. You see me better than i can see myself. Dont let me trick You into thinking im sicker than what You see me as. Make me be accountable for myyself. Please make me get my chores done or cook dinner. If You want something, please do it. I hate knowing thhat You want me, but i fall asleep. Yes i may be tired, but there is always rime for You. You deserve to be satisfied and happy and to be sexually satisfied as well. There shouldnt be a way for me to say no to You.
This is my confession to You because i dont want things to get to where You dont love me, i lose myself, or even both of these. I dont evver want to lose You because that would kill me. I may not be able to fix work, but i can fix U/us. It is hard, but i nedd to change myself. It will make U/us better and i feel will reinstate that submissive in me tthat i feel has been buried so deep down inside. I love You and i nedd You to help get me back.

Happy LOL Day!!!!

Well today is Love our Lurkers Day and I have to say as lil one's Master that W/we are excited and thankful for all the people who come to read this blog. W/we don't get too many comments from people but W/we love everyone that reads this blog. I believe lil one started this blog as a way to express her feelings and to have a place to vent and also to get to know other people that are in this lifestyle. As most of yall know this lifestyle is not put out there for most people to see so it is great to interact with the people that also have the same thoughts and style as yourself.

I am actually shocked at how many people do read the blog. I know that lil one likes to here from different people. It is also amazing how read what Doms and subs do going through their days and how W/we in a strange way go through the same things and how each person deals with those things in their own way. It is really cool how reading that one sub is preggo and feeling that joy for her after trying so many times to get preggo. Also reading the trials that some subs go through and laughing because I know My lil one goes through those trials too.

Once again thank you to everyone that reads this blog and leaves comments and to the ones that don't leave comments thank you also for exploring O/our little world in the internet. I hope everyone continues to enjoy O/our adventures and I know W/we will continue to enjoy reading everyone elses blogs.