Monday, July 30, 2012

Fear

    Reading one of my books this morning, i came across a scene that got me thinking and crying at the same time. Lately i have felt that i have been out of sorts, not just with myself but Master too. A part of me wonders if it is just all the hormones changing and going back to the levels they were before, the baby blues, or just me making a big deal out of nothing.
    Our daughter has been home for five weeks now and i cant help but think that we are both so lucky to even have her here after everything we went through. Watching her sleep at night, i always find myself counting fingers and toes and just watching her breathe. My deepest fears come to life everytime i hear a little choke or watch her chest stop rising for a minute or so. It comes from deep inside me and i cant help but feel this way. Im so afraid that one minute that i am going to turn around and she stops breathing or something happens to her and i dont know it. She is our whole world and i am so afraid of losing her after everything we've been through that it scares me to my core.
    Seeing her sleeping and so peaceful and kissing her cheeks, i find myself counting every day as a miracle for her. She could have come into this world at 25 weeks instead of waiting until a little into 32 weeks. Thinking of all the hardships we had and the several times that i went into labor and i was forced to just sit through it and take all those medicines to relieve the pain. Did i do something that could end up harming her in the future, especially the day she was born because they had given me morphine and phengren and benadryl about 10 minutes before she came into the world. It would devastate me to know that she was hurt by something i took to help myself. It makes me feel like i was being selfish and not thinking about anyone but myself when it should be about her.
     We had to face her being in the NICU for a week, although it was supposed to be longer by the original doctor's account. She was supposed to have a breathing tube and a feeding tube and stay anywhere from four to six weeks, but she only needed a CPAP for a few hours and then was on oxygen after that for about a day. She was a fighter from the beginning, but despite that with everything she had it was still very sobering to watch your daughter have to have all sorts of tubes and wires running from  her. She had an iv, monitor wires, her hospital bands, and for a brief time the oxygen tubes. Not only that i had to let someone else take care of her for the first week of her life. We werent able to take her home and calm her when she cried or feed her when she got hungry. Granted, i did feed and change her the couple times that i could but it still felt odd and unreal.
    Kissing her cheek every night, Master laughs at me because i lavish kisses all over her. To me, she is our miracle baby and her birth mark is a testament to that. After the birth we noticed she had a red mark on her forehead and above one of her eyes. We found out that it is known as "Angel's kiss" or a more scientific name that i cant think of. To me, this name truly fits her because she was watched over by angels especially after my water broke and she was healthy and stayed in there for another week with no problems or infection.
     Before i got pregnant, i faced a lot of health concerns and it scares me that it feels like they are slowly coming back. Since ive been home, ive had chest pain and side pain and a new one--pain that radiates across my whole abdomen. Master jokes it off that it's not coming back(part of me thinks its because He's trying to reassure and ease my mind), but i cant help but feel that it is. We were playing a game with the kinect and i got worn out and my side was hurting horribly like it did before we got pregnant. With all those issues, i dont know if any of it will affect her and that i may have caused harm to her somehow by something i did. She was our miracle and i thank God every day for her.
     I guess the best that i can say is that i am struggling with these feelings and will always worry about her. We have already been through so much and i cant bear the thought of something happening to her to where she has to go back into the hospital or even worse. Call me a worrywart, but i have to imagine its a possibility in the back of my mind. Aside from that, my other worries concern Master and myself and whether i am doing a good enough job and if i really am a good mother so far. I know i dont know everything, but i feel that He has connected more with her than me and has so much more at ease with it then me. Myself, i feel that im overworrying especially when others joke about it because i cant bear to let her out of my sight for too long, even if it is to let someone else hold her. It scares me that they may not hold her right, or she wont like them, or i dont know. It's just fear for her i guess.
     Anyone reading this has any suggestions on how to deal with things or advice, please feel free to comment and let me know because i feel like im struggling. Im struggling with handling motherhood and myself and Master, dealing with my feelings and fear for her, and the worst part of just myself and how i still look horrible and have this huge roll and dont know how to go about losing this extra weight.....ugh such a up/down feeling today.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Decluttering my brain

   The past couple days i have struggled with how to write these feelings so that they are expressed just how id like them to be and not come across in a way that will end up getting me into trouble, but also it is a struggle for me put all this out in the open with everything that has happened already. Honesty has always been the best policy and im not going to stop obeying that now...it's time for me to get these feelings out and put down how i really feel about things and hold my breath to see how He takes them.
    For those of you that read this blog, you will know that Master and i just ended our grueling hospital stay of almost two months recently with the birth of our daughter. She is the light of O/our lives and neither one of us would change her being here for the world. But my thoughts arent about her at all because she makes my world brighter when it is all three of U/us together. Seeing what W/we created makes me feel like things are alright for a little while, but it is only a temporary fix.
    My feelings started before i ended up being hospitalized for pregnancy problems...more or less about the time that i got sick. Before i start i have to make this disclaimer that Master in no way did this out of spite, to hurt me, or anything else. He was doing what He had to do to take care of me and ensure that i wasnt placed into anymore danger than what i was already in from the illness i was experiencing and then the pregnancy. He was my rock and that will never change. The issues i am going to bring out into the open are things that i find wrong with myself and need help or just a calming word to know that things are okay.
    It seemed that things were kind of straying away from the lifestyle and i felt that myself was slowly slipping away. At the time i didnt think anything of it, but i think this was the beginning of me slipping back into my old self from before i met Master where i hadnt really delved too much into the lifestyle. There werent very many punishments, things calmed down with the toys, any experimentation was put on hold until a future date yet to be determined. To be honest, i felt like i was losing my connection that i had gained when i first met Master of my inner submissive and that i had embraced wholy and completely. Leaving for training and then having to put things on hold for a little while was hard and i think i took it that hardest. I slipped out of the rules that W/we had created and i found myself being able to get away with more and more. There were comments made that would normally incur a spanking or sarcasm used that i would have been brought over His knee when we got home, but all those had vanished. It seemed that any kind of punishment was only for something extremely severe, such as the one time that i went into the room and cried for a while thinking He was upset at me but He wasnt so because i continued to cry He gave me something to cry about. My mind and inner submissive misses those days.
    As things progressed with my sickness, i could tell that Master was worried about me because it seemed that our lifestyle was put on an indefinite hold. Having to put something on hold that is such an integral part of you is soul breaking and crushing. It was not His choice to put things on the side, but it was out of necessity and safety that He did so. For this i owe Him nothing but love for choosing to make sure that my health was more important than His and my needs. It just seemed that the rules and all had disappeared and i was forced to take on this vanilla life that had become so foreign to me. I mean how do you embrace a life that you dont really want and have to leave everything that you had just learned behind? It wasnt easy, but i thought i was handling it pretty well.
    Turns out i was very wrong. After i got pregnant, things continued to be toned down. The spankings pretty much stopped because He was afraid that it would hurt the baby and we definitely didnt want to do anything to jeopardize the baby especially with the spotting that i had early in pregnancy. In my head, i was fighting tooth and nail and silently begging for a spanking for something or wanting to just completely break the rules to see if He would even notice. Despite those thoughts, i kept everything going and knew that He was continuing to do what was best not just for me anymore but for me and the baby. He was keeping our health in mind and i know it had to be killing Him to be unable to touch me the way He wanted or to spank me anytime He wanted. It seemed like things got twenty times harder.
    Then another wrench got thrown into the gears. My mind had seemed to forget the old submissive lil one that had been created by Master and was slowly being replaced with my vanilla self. We werent having sex too often for fear of hurting the baby further into the pregnancy and i was sooo exhausted from work and school that there wasnt really anytime for sex as it was, let alone full on Master/submissive sex. It had become a routine and it seemed that Master had forgotten too, or He was trying to fight His inner Dom to keep me from being hurt. We were then faced with going from not really having sex that often to having no sex at all because i was in the hospital. There was no way that we were having sex in the hospital, let alone with a bulging membrane and me already being slightly dilated. It was just too dangerous. Adding fuel to the fire, Master was pretty much waiting on me hand and foot. This threw me through a loop because im not the one to usually be waited on. It's Master that i am supposed to take care of and act like a fetching dog to get whatever it is He wants. He stayed with me through everything, getting me whatever it was i asked for regardless of the time of day it was and whether or not He was tired. He was truly my knight in shining armor. But the one thing about this time in the hospital was that with all the nurses coming in and out during the day and night, Master and i had little time to even talk about the lifestyle or anything involved with it. My inner submissive slid back even further into being forgotten.
    After i got home, i thought we would just be able to jump back into things and i would be able to get back to where we had stopped in the lifestyle. I would remember my place, He would be my Dom, and it would just be complete all over again. Boy was i wrong....it seemed that i had completely forgotten who i was. Master and i were unable to do anything, but He was wanting some relief. We may not have been able to have sex, but i was still able to give Him some oral stimulation. He kissed me and was prodding me to go down on Him. It was all i could do to move my head and go down on Him. It was just the weirdest feeling for me and i felt so unsubmissivelike. There was no feeling like i was myself....Then when He grabbed my head and told me to open my mouth so that He could squirt His cum into my mouth, I found myself disobeying Him. It wasnt out of the idea of disobeying Him, but it was like my mind was numb. There was a disconnect between my submissive side and what was going on. For the first time in my life i felt like an utter failure. I mean here this man had taken care of me throughout everything and when He wanted me to give Him some action i couldnt. He had to pretty much take my mouth and make it His and even then it still felt foreign to me. I vaguely remember trying to move away or push myself away from Him as He came because i just didnt want to do it.. This was completely out of character for me and im left wondering why and feeling broken.
    Master says that im not broken, but i honestly feel broken because i couldnt even do the most basic of things---give Him a blowjob. How hard is that? There really is no thinking involved, but somehow i couldnt do that. My mind finds itself wanting to rebel from Him so badly and just go off to see some semblance of the lifestyle. I have been out of it for so long that i feel i have forgotten everything and to me that is the worst part because i feel like i am disappointing Master because i should know how to do these things but i dont anymore. His comment of just that he would need to "retrain me" got me feeling kind of hurt(nothing that He did, just the way my brain is functioning right now) and that i feel like He wouldnt want me anymore because im a broken submissive. I dont remember His rules, i dont remember what a punishment feels like, i want to blow up on Him just to see if i would get a punishment but cant out of just that i cant, and all sorts of feelings.
    Maybe it's just the baby blues talking here, but i find myself needing and craving the lifestyle. After that night, i wrote out a list of possible new rules for Master/goals for myself. He read the list and said He liked them, but so far nothing else has been said. I know that He is waiting for the right time, i just wish i knew when it was. I feel the longer i go without anything lifestyle related, the closer i will get to completely forgetting my inner lil one. How do i tell the man i love and call Master that id like for Him to start getting back into the lifestyle with me? That i want to get punished again for my sarcasm or being too harsh with Him instead of getting an evil look that just makes me feel bad. I need to be punished.....i feel the need to be retrained to remember my submissive side. I want to find that love that i found with Him when W/we first started diving into the lifestyle before i left for my military training. Who knows, i guess writing it down is a good place to start so at least i can talk to Him about it.