Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Confusion and feeling lost

    Okay so normally my post have some sort of lifestyle application to them, but not this time. This more a post of putting my feelings out there in a place where i am comfortable doing so and know that it is safe.
    Today was an early start to the day with me going to another doctor's appointment this morning. Since i had our little one, my symptoms are starting to come back. I have been noticing more frequent occurances of side pain, although i dont say much until it gets too bad because i have learned to deal with it. Ive also started noticing that my back is hurting more like it did before, but i try to ignore it because there is so much that needs to be done and i thought it was just from the pregnancy and all the bedrest. Well this doctor's appointment went much the same as the last, with the doctor basically telling me that everything was caused by me being either depressed or it was caused by gas from being lactose intolerant.
    It is very hard to hear from a doctor when you are trying to explain that the pain started before you got pregnant, tell you that it could be caused by gas or being lactose intolerant or being mentally/emotionally/spiritually unbalanced. The gas or the lactose intolerant is fine but to be told that i need some mental/emotional help is just wrong and hard to swallow. I am not mentally/emotionally unstable and definitely that is not what is causing my pain. That has been ruled out on multiple occasions by the mental health people and also by the test they had me do to officially rule out that i wasnt depressed. I am depressed now, but that is from the pregnancy and not my sickness.
    Anyways, the doctor basically told me today that i needed to have a colonoscopy done, urine collection to rule out a kidney infection or stones, ultrasound and cts of my abdomen to check that out, see a rhumatologist at some future date, and to speak with mental health because my problem is mental/emotiona;/spirtual based. I mean who needs to hear that! On top of that wonderful news, I went to work and had to get my maternity leave signed off on. Come to find out, i have to get a different doctor than my ob to sign off on it and then they will talk about my time off once my maternity leave is up. It makes me wonder if they are going to turn it down after, which will piss me off because its not like im doing anything anyways other than going to my doctors appointments and trying to make sure that im taken care of with what work needs from me.
    It is just disheartening to be told everything that i did this morning. Maybe its just the whole emotions going off right now from the pregnancy but it really upsets me and makes me feel worthless. Everything that i have tried today was wrong and its like i screwed it all up. I just wish for once things would go right...but have to stop for now because the little one is waking up and i dont want her to wake Master up especially after He didnt get to sleep until almost 7 this morning :(

Monday, August 13, 2012

Waiting.....and waiting...

    So this weekend has posed an interesting dilemma. Master and i have had an agreement that i would start wearing my thongs when im wearing a skirt and my shorts because they have not caused an issue and dont interfere with rubbing or making anything feel raw. These past couple times that i have worn my skirts and shorts, i have put on regular underware. Admittedly, Saturday was i just didnt feel like putting on a thong in the type of skirt that i was wearing because it seemed that it would show. However, Master noticed i wasnt wearing the correct underware when we were on our way up to visit family this weekend. He immediately told me that i would be punished for not wearing the correct underware. My stomach was in knots and did flips when He said this because it has been so long since i have been punished for anything.
     Master saw the look on my face when He told me i was being punished and i felt the churning...He told me that i had all weekend to stew because it would be a few days before He would punish me for that. My stomach has been in knots because im trying to figure out when He's going to punish me and how and just ready to get it over with. Last night i found myself wishing that He would punish me then and then fuck me while i was wearing my skirt. It was one of the few things that makes me feel sexy and hot to Him. Since i have had our lil penguin, i have felt that my body is too scared and ugly from the stretch marks and extra skin that i have from my stretched out belly. Although i am glad that i didnt make  it the full length of the pregnancy because it would look a lot worse than it does right now.
     Anyways.....ive thought about it a lot and i definitely deserve to be punished and just hate waiting for it. Im impatient and waiting the whole weekend and last night killed me. But enough of that....Master and i had sex for only the second time ever since ive had the baby and gotten out of the hospital. The first time was mindblowing and felt so good to finally have Him inside me and fucking me like He did. He had worked me up to a frenzy to where i was to the point of begging Him to fuck me. It felt amazing because i had gone so long without feeling His expert hands massaging that g spot or fucking me in and out and then feeling His cock moving in and out of my wet pussy. He really knows how to play my buttons and He made it so special to have sex again.
    Last night was even more amazing than the last time. Master was kissing me and playing with me and within a few minutes i was begging Him to fuck me. He had played with me earlier in the night and by the time He played with me again i was soaking with need. He really does know how to play His lil one like a fiddle and i love it. I find myself honestly wanting some more tonight and wishing for more play with our toys. It has been so long since we played with them that i kind of missed them along with Master. On top of that our lil one has been sleeping for longer stretches so it is getting easier to get time to ourselves. To be honest, i feel like a sex hungry maniac because i crave it every night, but im not sure if Master is up to it. I mean how do you do that??? Do you just go up and ask Him to play or just start rubbing on Him?? This is something new to me and i feel like im having to dip back into things again. Guess ill try and see how it goes.

Ranting and raving all about family....

    This past weekend has been crazy hectic and just full of family time and running around to various places and trying to take care of a slightly sick lil penguin on top of it and Master's grandmother. Lets just say that me and His grandmother dont get along very well anymore and now it is pretty much tolerating her because we dont want to exclude his grandfather from seeing our lil penguin.
    So i have to get this out of my system about the family and all because if not i feel i will go insane. Master's grandmother is more of a tolerance now because she has said a lot of things about me and i just cant deal with them anymore. Shortly after Master and i had our wedding ceremony, we went to His niece's birthday party. Everything seemed fine and she had been so nice to me as Master and i got to know each other and after i got back from my job training. Come to find out she was talking about me at the birthday party. She went up to His ex and was asking her "dont you miss Him? dont you want to get back together with Him? why dont you get back together with Him" and other comments like that after the two of US were married!!! Then to add insult to injury once we found out we were pregnant she went and bought a crib and all sorts of clothes without even asking us about it. We went up to visit and i explained that we had set the crib up and that my parents had bought it because it was a family tradition for us. The look on her face was priceless as she just seemed shocked that we had a crib and made that we already had one and that my parents had bought it. Master's grandfather on the other hand asked us if there was anything else that we needed instead and whatever it was they would get it for us. He is the only reason that i put up or even go visit because he has always been kind and sweet to me and not said anything bad at all. So we told them a glider and then his grandfather told us he would get it because thats what we needed.
    The biggest straw was just recently when i gave birth to our lil penguin. My parents had been told from the beginning they were the first to see her because they hadnt been down here to witness the pregnancy and see me develop or even be present for the ultrasound or doctor visit where we found out the sex. Due to this, i felt that i wanted my parents to see her first and then Master's mother because they were the immediate family and then the rest of the family in whatever order. Because our lil penguin was born so early in the morning, no family was able to get there until later. My parents were on the road driving as i was pushing her out. Well anyways...His grandmother got there with His mother and grandfather and she assumed because she got there early she was going to get to see her first. Boy was she wrong...even though we had to wait for my family to get there, the decision still stood. So finally the time came after Master and i saw her to let the family go see her and each then He went up with each of them. My mother went first and i was telling them while they were in the room that my dad was next and then His mom and then His grandmother. When i said this, she got extremely upset and stormed out of the room. She was under the impression that i was going to let her in first since she had gotten there first that morning. Thankfully Master was able to explain the situation and she cooled off. It hurt me that she expected me to give her special privilages just because she was there early and other things.
     Then the latest straw is that she automatically assumed that Master and i were going to have our lil penguin dedicated at their church and had already made plans with the pastor and bought the dress. She didnt even discuss with us that we wanted to do it, but kept bugging Master about what sunday we were going to do the dedication. Master and i already had her dedicated while she was in the NICU by the same chaplain that had married the two of us. It was important to us that He be able to do it and He was able to. Anyways....it just made me mad that she didnt even ask us and then guilted Master into doing it. The only reason i did it and He did it was because it was for His grandfathers' benefit. The two of them were going to watch it. After having her dedication this weekend, i know it was worth it when His grandfather who hasnt preached in years led the prayer over her and His grandfather couldnt be prouder.
    THe last and most frustrating thing about her is she keeps giving us evil looks when we say something she doesnt like. Master has been used to her and knows how to filter her out, but i dont yet. She gave Him an evil look when we said that we didnt find a pair of stockings to put on her that she gave us(which we gave away to charity here because i dont want our daughter to wear a pair of used tights that we dont know where they came from). She has given me an evil look about 3-4 times now and basically coming across as if she is telling me that im a bad mother because she has mentioned how lil penguin's legs feel cold to her and that she can cover her up if i just hand her a blanket. When she says this i feel her feet because those are what we judge whether to cover her up most of the time because they get cold the fastest(her feet are like my feet and cold for the most part when in air conditioning and left out too long). All the times she says that, our lil penguin is perfectly fine and actually towards the warm side. When i tell her she's fine, she looks at me as if to say that shes upset because she thinks she needs to be covered. Sorry, but im not letting anyone other than me and Master parent our child.
     Yesterday Master and i were hesitant about who we let hold her because she is getting over being sick and we dont want her passed around to a lot of people that we dont know and also dont know if they're sick or just getting over being sick. With her being a preemie, her immune system is at more of a risk so we have to take some precautions for her. Anyways....she got upset because i wouldnt let one of her friends hold her yesterday during the service because i didnt know her. While out to eat, Master told me that she made a comment to His mother when she put lil penguin back in the car seat after soothing her for a minute that Master's mother had put her back just in the nick of time because as she put her back in the car seat i came around the corner. It seems she's upset with me because i dont let people feed her or hold her too much when she's asleep because it messes up her pattern. We let people hold her when she's awake because obviously thats the best time to see her and her personality as it develops. But to say that about me to His mother is like a WTF moment. Seriously?? You are going to talk bad about me like that in front of Master and His grandfather and mother...you have no class whatsoever.
    It is just nerve wracking because i am trying to be nice, but i also have to deal with her when we go to visit His grandfather and try to be nice so that he can see lil penguin. I guess i have to work on my patience...at least we dont have to visit too often because Master feels the same way about them that i do and we have the dedication out of the way. Now i get to focus on going back to school and getting myself better and taking care of Master and our lil penguin :D

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Last night's fun

    Last night was absolutely amazing!!! Master and i played a little bit for the first time in a while. It felt so good for Master to be playing with my body and teasing and tormenting it as i writhed beneath His hands. For so long i have missed His touch and just how well He plays and knows my body.
     After struggling with my dilemma in the shower and then deciding to take off my underware so i was just in my tshirt and shorts, i felt even more submissive. To be honest i feel bad that i havent been following this little rule for a while until now, making excuses that they rubbed too much or this or that, because i was capable of doing it. In my mind, i feel that i was just trying to get out of doing it because i felt that things between us were slipping at the time as far as Master and me because we werent really doing anything with the lifestyle anymore. He had stopped really playing with me like He used to with our toys, occasionally tying me up, didnt really enforce the rules that much anymore because He was afraid that He would hurt me or make my sickness worse. It wasnt either of our faults, but i felt that we lost sight of who we are and the lifestyle side of our relationship and got into the routine of living a vanilla life. Now we are slowly starting to get back to who we were before i got sick and when we first met.
     Laying in bed with Him last night, i was sure He was going to know that i wasnt wearing any underware especially after the blog post that i did last night. It was an amazing feeling laying there in just a tshirt and shorts as i felt His hands gliding over my body. They dipped down into my shorts and He was shocked as i felt His hands move from side to side looking for the line from my underware that is usually at the top of my stomach. They found nothing and He voiced that to me. He was shocked and it led to a very hot time. Master started playing with my boobs and then pushing His fingers in and out of my pussy, playing it like a fiddle. Before long i was heated up, but He wanted me to suck Him. As i continued to suck, He grabbed my head and made it go faster. The whole time i felt myself dipping more and more into my old submissive self. He came and i felt a twinge of guilt and selfishness because i had wanted Him to fuck me. This was something that i had been denied before, but i was looking forward to it so much because i felt that my body is finally healed to where we can fully have sex again because the last time we tried it hurt.
     After finishing off Master, i was flipped over onto my back and felt the most amazing feeling in the world---Master's tongue all over my pussy. He was licking and sucking and biting and nibbling and just sending my body into ecstasy. There was no better feeling and before long i heard the two words that i longed to hear "Cum now!" as He pushed me to the brink of orgasm. It felt so good and i really felt like i was starting to get back to myself.
     A part of me feels selfish today because i kind of want to have sex with Master every chance i get, really every day if it's possible. There is just something about connecting with Him and just hearing that growl in my ear or hearing Him call me "His slut" or saying how wet i am and a variety of other things. I am tempted to ask that one night when the baby goes to sleep that we start playing because i crave a good long play session with spankings, being tied and teased, using our toys and Him fucking me sensless. We have already had one night where it came to the point that i was begging Him to fuck me and i long to have that night again. :) It is good to know that He is willing to do it as long as He is filling healthy and able. I feel though that i may need a spanking sometime soon because i feel that i have been bad having all these kinds of naughty thoughts and i havent stayed up to date on the laundry, especially since He hasnt had clean underware the past couple days and the dishes are stacked up in the kitchen. Oh well guess i have to wait to see what He thinks. Even if i dont get punished ofr that....im hoping for a maintenance spanking at the least. :) I wonder if i may be able to use the shower tonight? Master did say all i have to do is ask, but now the fun part is getting up the courage to ask...by using the showerhead i can help myself to make sure that i am fine enough to play later tonight  because id really love to play if He's up to it ;) I guess when you read this Master....can i please, please, please use the shower head tonight?

Monday, August 6, 2012

Trials and tribulations...

   Today has felt like the longest day in the world, especially after this weekend. After this weekend, both Master and i think that i may have post-partum depression so i am going to talk to someone to get some help. Things are starting to get way overwhelming with everything that i have to put onto my shoulders and bear. Master tells me all the time not to worry about a lot of it, but i cant help but worry. Growing up the way that i did, it is just a force of habit now and im not sure if it can ever be changed.
    Anyways, so this weekend i had a breakdown and if it wasnt for the fact that Master's family and my family were there, He would have come out of the bathroom to find a mental case in the corner sobbing and rocking back and forth. (for those of you wondering where baby was during all this, my sister was holding her and visiting with her) Oh i forgot to mention that all this had started late friday night with a baby that didnt want to go to sleep for four hours and then me not getting but maybe 3 hours sleep. She went to sleep about 4am and then i was up about 830-9 because i couldnt sleep without Master in the bed with me. We got up to get ready and leave to go take our family pictures and then when we got there Master and i got into a little disagreement. It wasnt an argument because i just got upset and at that point i just say ok and leave it alone cause i didnt want to go off and face a punishment spanking. We took pictures, with only bad part being she screamed bloody murder when they placed her on her stomach for one of the poses. She hates laying on her stomach....and then we bought the pictures and left. By yhis time she had only gotten about 40 minutes of sleep or so between her feeding at about 11am and our picture appointment was at 1pm. So we had a very overly cranky baby from no sleep and meeting family and staying awake with them later in the day. It led to me not sleeping very well at all :( despite changing her diaper, rocking her, rubbing her back, putting her in the swing. Last resort was in the little boppy sitting pillow and that worked wonders. She was asleep within 15 minutes.
     The next day was the baby shower we were supposed to have before she came home but had to move because she came early. The first thing that set me off was i wanted to sit on the floor that way other people could sit down while we opened gifts, but i HAD to sit in the chair. It pissed me off and then i had to deal with Master's grandmother calling his niece's name (imagine hearing Miney, Miney, Miney, Miney, Miney over and over again for about 5 minutes straight) and my grandmother getting upset because i told her nobody was picking up the baby while she was asleep in her swing after her not sleeping the night before. It made me mad that she was like "im not going to do any harm" and was going to try to pick her up anyway after i told her no again. It was hard because im trying to please other people, but i need to be nice for my daughter because she has no voice right now.
     While the shower was going on, my grandmother announced to everyone that she got the right to hold her because she had driven over 2000  miles to see her, when she had only driven up to my parents to see her. Everybody was asking about how things went with me and our daughter and she had to keep throwing her 2 cents in about how she did with my mom and aunt and how things were with them and all this. Basically making it to be about herself instead of about our daughter. She wouldnt let anybody else hold her and claimed her to herself. The only time anybody else got to hold her, mainly my mom, was when she went outside for a smoke or not sure what.
    Master's mom was getting ready to leave and gave me a hug and told me she was sorry for not buying the pak n play that she had talked about. Well i didnt want to lead her on, but i pulled her aside to let her know that we had one. She had already gotten a gift for her granddaughter and i felt that if she couldnt afford it, i didnt want her trying to scrape together and continuously pushing it off. Before i could even explain to her that she got enough for her and id rather he spend her money to visit her granddaughter, she yelled at me saying that it wasnt fair and that i had pissed her off. Master had just started working on the relationship with her so i felt that i had just killed it. He was in the bathroom when all this happened so i wiped my eyes because tears were falling by now and went back out. Everyone kept asking me if i was okay, so i changed my mind and retreated back into the bedroom that connected to the bathroom where Master was.
     After seeing that, i felt that i had screwed up so horribly and gave up trying to impress everyone.  It seemed that everything that happened and just how i was feeling overwhelmed me so bad that i just wanted to sit in the corner and hug myself because i had disappointed Master and He was surely going to hate me after i told Him what had happened. He came out and i explained what had happened and the tears that i had tried to hold it just kept falling and the sobs came out in the big heaving sobs because i was soooooo upset and knew that i had screwed up everything. To me, i felt that i had screwed up again just like i had been doing. He gently talked to me and explained that everything was okay and He definitely wasnt mad at me. He didnt know why she acted the way she did but that she didnt hate me.
     It was a rough day so im glad that Master and i are finally home...It was a long and exhausting weekend and i needed some Master and i time. It seems hard for us to just have time to ourselves even when we go up there because it is constantly us going to visit family because they want to see the baby and if not then we hear about it and it never stops the entire weekend. After this weekend, i feel somewhat connected with Master, but not as much as i do when i am my complete self.
    It is hard to want to ask Master for some play time at night when i dont ever know if i will suddenly get tired around bed time or how she will be. There is the very strong urge for play time and just to be reminded about the lifestlye and to be retrained because i know that i desperately need it. The last time Master said something  smart, i wanted to smart off or when He smacks me sometimes i just want to turn around and smack Him. The other night that i did, He definitely reminded me of my place by swiftly pulling me over His lap and reminding me that i am lil one and He is the Master.He is trying and i know He is basing everything off how i am feeling. I feel that for me, especially to keep me from breaking down until i can get in to talk to someone i need some play time. It lets  me know im His and that He still finds me irresistable.
     He played with His lil one the other night and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. To have my hands restrained, blindfolded, and Master using toys on me and His fingers was exquisite. He had me begging Him to fuck me and it is very rare that i do so. There was sooo much need and lust built up in me. The bad part is that He just played with me, so i still have that very strong urge and need for Him to use me. Only time will tell when it will happen but i cant wait when it does. I kind of hope that it goes like it did that night. It was extremely hot to have Master tie me up like that. Oh i also forgot the spanking that i got. My mind is a little foggy as to which instruments were used, but im sure that He used the toys i got Him. I can only hope to feel it again soon. Weird for me because i never would have wanted a spanking, but right a spanking is what keeps me grounded and lets me know that no matter what He cares for me and loves me.
    So on top of struggling with wanting to be fucked and played with and just have Master pleasure me with His tongue down there again for the first time in ages, i have been struggling with the rules. I am struggling with wearing the underware that He wants me to wear for certain outfits and then on top of that i found myself struggling for the first time with pleasuring myself in the shower. In my mind i was toying with the idea of using the shower head to have some fun and He would be none the wiser. The need and desire for pleasure was so strong that i was tempted to do it and in the back of my head, i almost allowed myself to do it but i stopped myself. I remembered the two rules to always be honest with Him and that i wasnt allowed to cum without His permission. That would be breaking two of the biggest rules and i dont even think i want to know what the consequences are. Although with this, what im getting to is that i am proud of myself for not disobeying MAster's rules on this although i have been disobeying the underware rule (not sure if i will be punished for breaking the underware rule or not). Today was my first day of connecting with my submissive side as i put on the old underware that Master has been wanting me to wear because it was what i used to wear at the beginning of our relationship until i got lazy and sick and just made excuses as to why i couldnt wear it. It felt amazing to follow those rules, but i wish i knew what Master would do if He knew. Would i get a reward for doing so well or just a good job? Who knows, but im sure at some point i will find out. I think for now, im going to go take care of a couple things and come back to bed and snuggle with Master. Even if i dont get rewarded, to me snuggling with Him is the best reward ever.