Saturday, October 20, 2012

Perfect storm of trouble....

   So it seems that things keep getting more complicated for me and i feel myself sinking down even further. I feel like a lamb being lead to the slaughter lately with everything happening all at once. Im questioning whether or not that I took on too much this semester with just having a baby, trying to be a perfect lil one for Master, keeping up with the dishes and other housework, dealing with work issues, and many other things.
    It seems that everytime i get caught up, things tend to go out of control again. I find myself not getting enough sleep for work, then when i get to work i can barely deal with the emotional and stress that comes with it, wanting to get some time to myself but hating that i feel like im never spending enough time with my own family, wanting more time as lil one with Master, just wanting to have more time in the lifestyle. There just seems to be no end to things and i am starting to feel more overwhelmed than ever.
    I have to bear some bad news to Master here shortly after the football game is over and im not sure how to do it. Either way im going to have to let Him know because there is no point in delaying it. The bad thing is that i've disappointed Him in the past and i almost lost Him at one point. My biggest fear is hearing Him say that He is putting me back under consideration instead of me being His lil one. Because i came so close to hearing that one night a few weeks ago, i fear that i may hear them again. Either way it is time for me to step up and hopefully he sees that i have taken steps to prevent it from happening again.
    Wish me luck and i think im going to have to take a hard look at things and take some things out until things smooth over.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Crazy Hectic Life

    Wow, i cant believe it's been a good bit since i last posted on here. It seems that just when things start settling down, life likes to start getting hectic yet again. Master and i are both doing very well, but it seems that i have to figure out how to settle back down again.
    Lately Master and i have been dealing with things from my work that have left me super stressed and worried and almost to the point of a mental break down. It takes a lot for me to get to the point of wanting to hurt someone(NEVER my daughter or Master) because they have pushed me to the point of breaking at work. People i was working with got hungry so i asked to do a food run for them and i got told no. Someone else asked someone who works for those over me and they got told yes, so i assumed it was okay. However it wasnt...i ended up getting in trouble and got some paperwork for it. It was an all around bad night that night because then i got chewed out for saying i didnt feel good to my supervisor's supervisor. He wasnt very happy about it at all:( and i was on the tail end of his anger.
     These past few weeks i have had a lot to deal with concerning work. Adding into that, Master and i got sick :( then our little one got sick so we had to deal with her being sick. It is a lot to deal with and i feel that i have struggled a lot with making sure they're okay while also working and keeping up with school and just trying to play mom. Honestly, i feel that i have sucked at being supermom lately with everything.
     Master and i are doing better and school has somewhat leveled out for now, but i still feel that i am failing to be the perfect sub and wife and mother that im supposed to be. MAster may not think so, but i feel so. When i clean, instead of things being cleaned as we go it seems that i have to clean in mass like every 2-3 weeks. It's crazy how backed up things can get and i feel so let down. Hopefully, i can get to a point where there is happy harmoney. Until then...any suggestions out there from fellow subs/slaves that can help me not feel like such a horrible sub and keep up with everything. There just seems to be no way to keep up with working at nights 13 hr shifts, sleeping for about 5 hrs, and taking care of a baby, eating, and taking care of Master.