Wednesday, November 7, 2012

No longer submissive?

     Is it true that you can feel like you are no longer submissive anymore? If it is, then i feel this way. It seems that life has taken a huge chunk out of things and left me feeling cheated in a way. Everything else gets put onto my plate to deal with and i am expected to keep going as if nothing happened. Lately i have had to deal with finding out that one of my family members has stage 4 cancer in their lungs, lymph nodes, adrenal glands, and colon. The news isnt the greatest and the prognosis from what i looked up is a few months to maybe a year or so at the most. Add onto that being majorly homesick, dealing with being sick and work not playing nice(major part of my frustrations) and just everything in general and thats a lot to handle for one person. It feels as if i am the one that should shoulder everything and keep on going.
     How do you handle dealing with all these issues and still keep your submissive side. Between work, school, mommy duties, i feel there isnt really anything left for submissive me. At the end of the day, Master and i are both exhausted and there isnt really anytime for us. Our needs have been put to the way side and occasionally we have a few minutes for some adult time together, but there isnt really any time for Master and submissive. There have been no new positions, no play times in a good little bit, and just nothing really to do with the lifestyle. Now in the past Master and i have said that if it wasnt in our life we could live without it, but i dont feel that i can live without it. It is a strong part of who i am and i feel utterly and completely lost without it.
     When i first got into the lifestyle, i found that i could go without it when i tried denying who i really was and go with a total vanilla relationship. Then before i had really gotten to know what the lifestyle was about, i was able to live without it and there was no need for me to really deal with the lifestyle or dabble in it. However, now that i have lived it and know what it is like i love it and know that i cant live without it. There is just something about it that calms and centers me and brings me back to reality when things get to be too much. Master knows just what to do when it seems that in my head so much is put onto my shoulders and i feel like i cant handle it all and am getting close to a mental breakdown. With my sickness, Master has been more careful but i feel that im suffering due to it. There is this soooo strong pull in me that is craving the lifestyle. Before i had our baby, Master couldnt keep His hands off me and would play with me and little things like that, but now it seems few and far between that this happens. The only good thing is that when i walk naked into the room to change after starting laundry, He automatically diverts His attention from the tv to me.
     My feelings are so mixed and overwhelmed with everything that i feel like my own self is fading. I feel my submissive side is fading, although Master has made occasional comments about how He has me trained right. I guess its just that a part of me wishes we had more time to spend as just Master and submissive, although i wouldnt give up being a mommy for all the money in the world. Maybe it is time that Master and i invest in a babysitter or ask someone to watch our little one for a few hours so that we can have fun with each other whatever that may be. Maybe i need some submissive friends that i can meet up with and talk openly with, although around here theres not many people. It makes me nervous to talk to new people, but at the same time i want to find someone that understands being parents and that sometimes we cant drop everything. Honestly, i just wish i knew what i needed. Maybe i will try finding some new friends and trying to talk to Master about this issue. This is the first time since me and Him have met that i have felt like i am losing my submissiveness and that i dont want to lose that with Him and ALWAYS want Him to be my Master.
      If anyone has gone through this, please feel free to give me some advice because i really do need it right now. I feel like im struggling to stay afloat and i need to just feel better somehow.

Whats going on with me?

     I dont even know what is going on with me anymore. There is this feeling that there is a little monster eating inside of me. Between dealing with work and my duties as being a mom and lil one to Master and just taking care of everything, i feel disconnected. It feels like something is off and im doing things that i never would have done before. There are thoughts and feelings surfacing in me that i cant hide, but i dont want to voice them out loud because its not how i really feel. My emotions are all over the map, one second i feel like having an outburst and the next my emotions have me wanting to bawl my eyes out. Why do i feel so not myself anymore and out of whack?
     Things with Master and i have kind of taken a back seat with everything going on. He has created a play night for a couple of nights, but it didnt seem long enough to me. Its not that im wanting something to last 24/7 or anything, but i feel that me and Master dont get anytime to ourselves unless the lil one is asleep and even still we have to make sure she isnt waking up or anything along those lines.
     The major disconnect that i feel is with myself as a submissive to Master. Tonight He asked me to do the dishes and i told Him that i would do them in a little bit. He proceeded to take care of the dishes and while He was doing that our lil one woke up so i was taking care of her and feeding her and changing her. He did the laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, and went to wash the bottles for our lil one to have some clean bottles. The whole time (i feel horrible for even thinking this and im sure this will upset Him) i was thinking in my head that now He sees what i go through in trying to keep up with everything and work and school. Its not in my nature to ask for help because im stubborn like that, but i felt mean because i was thinking He finally saw just how much there is to do with taking care of everything. There is no excuse for thinking like this, especially about Master because He bends over backwards to help me, but He has taught me to always be honest on here. This blog is my means of expressing myself and what im thinking and feeling so i wont hold back.
      Lately i havent faced any kind of punishment although Master has threatened me with it a few times. Its not that i want or crave a spanking or anything because i hate them, but at the same time i need to be punished. We have another bedroom to use that Master can spank me in or even the living room. My thoughts seem to fall on that if i do something bad, there isnt a consequence for it right now. Now for this, Master may be planning in his head just how many hits i should get at a later date but to me it feels like im getting away with murder. He gives me leeway because of me being sick and tired from work, but at the same time there are times where i should get in trouble for not doing things (especially my days off).
     Tonight after feeding our little one, i went into the kitchen so we could see what He was doing and the both of us were ignored. It hurt because i can tell that He is mad at me, but i dont know why. These things i do on a regular basis as well as take care of our daughter while He just watches tv and takes care of her as im doing some things. Today finally felt that He saw my side of things and that He could be understanding when i want to get things done all at once or leave them for a little bit later to spend time with the two of them. He didnt have to do these things, but He did them because He wanted to. Between today and tomorrow i was planning a mass cleanup but it was already taken care of. It left me feeling thankful that he did these things for me, but to get mad or upset with me for the most recent thing is weird in my opinion. Thats just me though.
     Anyways....i dont feel like a submissive anymore, even though i still am. With no punishments and very little play time,i honestly feel like my submissive self is fading by the way side. My former self has already disappeared and i dont want to lose this either. This is who i am and i feel like im losing myself because there isnt really a lot with it anymore. Granted i know things change when you have a kid, but at the same time i feel that we need time for just us. We have argued about things that we shouldnt have argued about and things have been let slide that shouldnt have been let slide. Maybe i need to get used to this, but im not sure. It seemed that the new set of rules we agreed upon were going to work, but they have been broken so many times that i just dont know. The only thing i have really gotten punished for was when i missed a couple of assignments and Master wasnt very happy about it.
     For now, i guess that i will work on being a better submissive and a little more understanding of how things are working and that Master has to balance things and will do things in His own time. It is not about what i want and i need to realize that yet again....it is about Master and His desires and needs being fulfilled, then mine and our little ones. Until then, i will work at being a better submissive because right now i dont feel that im being a very good submissive at all :(