Sunday, December 23, 2012

Torn Emotions and Thoughts?

    So today i find myself in turmoil with my emotions and trying to figure out what to do. The most prevalent emotion that im feeling though is happiness from today and being around Hubby. It is our two year anniversary and i can hardly contain myself! It has been a rocky two years full of ups and downs and just getting through life's challenges. He is the most amazing man in the world and has helped get me personally through so many things from the issues we had with our daughter to my crisis of thinking that i wasnt feeling submissive anymore. He has stuck by my side and never once tried to leave me. Sadly, i will admit that there was a time that i was threatened with being put back under his consideration, but i have not had that happen since that dreadful day. :( That is a day im choosing to forget and am not going into detail about it. Anyways, back to the whole two year thing. It is hard to believe that Hubby and i have been married two years and it feels like it hasnt even been a day since we got married. The two of us are first and foremost best friends before we got into a relationship, especially with one involving the lifestyle. He was told all about my reservations and how i was hesitant and had bad issues in the past, especially with someone who was very active in the lifestyle (that one was revealed a little bit later into the relationship just because it was hard to talk about and only when i was forced to take a sexual assault class and it came rearing its ugly head up did i realize i needed Him more than ever). He took me in with all my flaws and talents and quirks and everything and still wanted to be with me. Everyday is amazing that i spend with Him and i know that no matter what, the two of us will always survive in this life because somehow things always tend to work themselves out.
     Well happiness isnt the only emotion rolling around in my head. Lately Hubby has had to deal with a VERY moody and emotional lil one because just recently my grandmother passed away. She had been fighting with cancer and lost the battle. To be honest, i had felt that i had come to terms with it, but hearing the news of her passing after leaving that day and saying goodbye one last time really hurt. It hurts knowing that she isnt here to share future holidays with our family and wont see our baby grow up and just miss out on a lot of things with the family. She still had a lot of life to live and it seemed like it was cut short. Plus at the same time she seemed to be doing so well and it was like all of a sudden that she went downhill over night. From the day i got the news that she was dying, it was close to three days later that she passed away. It is honestly the hardest thing i have had to experience to have to tell someone that you love goodbye. Right now, i am not as emotionally sad as i was, but that is partially because i am keeping myself distracted by focusing on everything but her passing. Bad way to go about my grieving process i know, but i just cant handle it right now.
       Last but not least i had another tugging at my heart or brain or whatever it is you want to call it. Tonight i was watching a movie and in it there were some orphans and to sum it up they got a happy ending of a home. For the longest time i have been toying around in my head with the idea that i wanted to adopt a child even if i could have my own because i always wanted to help at least one child feel the love of a family that they may never know. It has been my wish to do this ever since i could remember because when i was younger, i was adopted by my stepdad into his family and given his name. Granted it's not the same as adopting someone who has no parents out of the states system, but i really would like to do that for at least one child. Watching that movie tonight, i keep feeling like i am meant to do this and keep feeling a strong tug towards this way. Hubby and i have plans for future child(ren) but i dont know how He would feel about this. In the past i have joked about it, i think, but now i feel more and more that i would like to adopt a child just to give one the love that the two of us have. There is no doubt that i know He will be an amazing father because He already is to our baby and i know that He would love to have a son or another child to share that love with. For Him, children are the only weakness. He hates to see them hurting, so i know He probably doesnt like the idea of a kid facing years in the foster care system if it was possible for us to give them a home. However, how do you even begin to go thinking about a process like this? Its not something that you jump into lightly, but at the same time i know in my heart that it is something that i desperately want to do. I know that we have the means to take care of another child, but it is the matter of going about doing it. My worry is that Master wouldnt want to do something like this, but i know also that it takes some time to consider something like this, especially since this is the first time that im bringing it up and im sure that He will read about it in here. There have been prayers said about this before and i will continue to pray as to whether this is really what im being called to do, but i have a strong feeling that it is.
      So aside from that, it has been a long week for sure. Hubby and i are ready to celebrate the holiday with our family and it is going to be exciting to see what everyone got for everyone. We will update and things continue and if anyone reading this is the praying type, i ask that you pray for my family for healing, especially for my parents after my grandmothers passing and that we will get a clear answer as to the adoption process. I know that even if i feel it is the right thing to do, Hubby has to agree to it as well and i have not seriously talked with Him about it before so i will definitely need prayers for that too! Well good bye for now, it is off to enjoy the rest of the night of our anniversary with Hubby while we have a sleeping baby.