Friday, February 22, 2013

Confusing thoughts and emotions

    So last night and today have left me very puzzled and confused and trying to figure out how to process everything and cope and just function like im supposed to. There are so many emotions twirling around inside my head that i really just want to throw my head into the nearest pillow and scream my head off, but i cant...partially because Master would probably look at me very weird and i have a baby that needs to be taken care of as well. Lately i have been feeling like i am distancing myself at times to keep from connecting to something emotionally or trying not to let it overwhelm me(Master hasn't said anything about this but i think He may be noticing it but is trying to figure out what to say), but in truth i feel that it really has overwhelmed me and i don't know what to do about it.
    So i guess since i am talking about something overwhelming me, it might be helpful to put out what it is that is actually overwhelming me to the point that i feel like i am distancing myself and want to scream into a pillow. For starters, the biggest part right is that i think i am pregnant again. There are the full blown symptoms occurring that are leading me to believe this, but as of today i have yet to see that positive test result. Yesterday was my second blood test, my first being two weeks ago today, and i have also taken numerous home pregnancy tests hoping for that positive test result. Not getting a positive on a blood test or a home pregnancy test but still experiencing these symptoms and just have that feeling that im pregnant is hard. It makes me feel like things are in my head and that im going crazy, but at the same time a part of me is trying to rationalize it. When i got the first negative, i had been having pregnancy symptoms for a few days but once i got the negative i put being pregnant out of my mind and told myself that Master and i would keep trying and it just wasn't meant to be for us to get pregnant that fast. However, after another week the symptoms were still there. Now i know that it is not from me wanting to be pregnant so bad that my body is actually making the symptoms happen because when i got that negative i told myself i wasn't pregnant and moved on.
    With experiencing all that and still having pregnancy symptoms but negative tests leaves me confused and worried. Right now it is a guessing and waiting game to try and find someone to listen to me and check me by either an ultrasound or internal exam to verify that what i am feeling is true and that i am pregnant or tell me what the hell is going on and why im experiencing these pregnancy symptoms. I hate to be graphic here but these are all the symptoms that i at first tried to discount but as time continues and they get more frequent it is getting harder to ignore.
           ~lighter than normal period, both in flow and in color (also didn't pass tissue like i normally do during my periods and it also ****sorry if TMI right here**** didn't smell like a normal period did)
           ~light headed at random moments (lasts maybe a minute or less)
           ~moodiness/crankiness for things that i never used to get upset about
           ~frequent urination
           ~increased thirst
           ~full/sore feeling boobs
           ~grown in size areolas
           ~white pimples/growth in the little tube thingys that grow around your areolas (forget what theyre called)
           ~nausea after EVERYTHING i eat (this morning got nauseous after eating toast and scrambled eggs with cheese which NEVER happens)
           ~heartburn (doesn't matter whether i eat spicy foods or not)
           ~sensitivity to smells (cigarette smoke seems extremely strong like when i was pregnant with our first and makes me want to puke)
           ~food aversions
           ~food cravings (last week i wanted a slice of a vlasic pickle out of the blue and i NEVER eat pickles, not even with my first pregnancy and i also hate eating tomatoes by themselves and i ate from a sliced tomato as well)
           ~go from hot to cold super fast and have periods where i should be cold but i feel hot
           ~my stomach is starting to firm up a little bit, but is still a little bit squishy around the middle (Master even felt it and said that it has changed)
           ~increase in vaginal discharge and sexual appetite
            ~incredibly tired(even more so despite working weird hours and having a baby it is more than that)
     I just don't know what to think with having all those symptoms and add onto that just the indescribable feeling that i am pregnant. Since we started trying to have a baby (both times), i am very in tune with my body and with our first child i knew i was pregnant before the tests even did. The disheartening thing is that if i am pregnant, i would be a little over 6 weeks now and i still have not received a positive pregnancy test. There have been nights at work or at home that i have scoured the internet trying to find out if what i am feeling has happened and if it is possible to be pregnant with a negative blood and urine test. There are mixed results and at this point i don't know what to believe. Do i go with what is in my head or do i just ignore it and continue on none the wiser. If anyone has experienced this, id love for a good story out of all this. Its just hard feeling really pregnant but the tests don't show anything at all.
    So on top of all of that, i have been feeling so unsubmissive lately, kind of like i have lost my submissive mojo. The house got so messy that our laundry was piled up and dishes were stacked up in the sink and let's just say it was very bad. Then last night was the first night that i was off work for my break and Master has been sick and i was supposed to be helping watch the baby so He could rest. Unfortunately in order to help Him, i also had to be able to have clean laundry and dishes and all that. The part that hurt me though was He seemed highly upset that i was cleaning the house and kept calling me a tornado because i would pop in and out of the bedroom putting this up and that up. On top of that, i was finally able to put the rest of our baby's things in the room instead of sitting in a corner in our bedroom. To me, it felt like things had gotten to a breaking point and i was just trying to get to where things were good again and our house looked like a normal house (lived in but it can be a little bit dirty). It just made me feel bad that i had to take care of the baby and He didn't get to sleep like He should, but at the same time i also had to clean up the house so we had clean clothes and clean dishes to eat from.
     The other part that hurt was tonight Master was talking to me about playing my game on my phone. He was joking with me after i made the comment that i had been watching the baby that i had only watched the baby for about four hours and was implying that He does it all the time. It seemed that i was being called a bad mother because i go to work and school and then have to find time for homework and cleaning while spending time with Him and the baby. In my head, it hurt to hear Him say that but at the same time i know He was more than likely joking and not calling me a bad mom but it doesn't take away how i feel after hearing that. My emotions are completely out of wack right now and it just seemed like He was saying that i was a bad mother by not spending as much time as He does with the baby. The guilt just started to eat at me that i don't spend enough time with our baby and that i work so much and am i taking on too much by trying to get school done as well and then throw in time for homework. Lately i have tried putting off homework time just so i could spend time with Him and the baby after a long day at work and class. Am i taking on too much and should i put things on hold? The option of becoming a stay at home mom is not one for us because i am the one who supports all three of us so theres no way for me to just up and quit. Besides i cant just up and quit anyways because i am owned for the next three years. After that, its up to me if i want to move on or continue where i am.
     Lately, Master and i have been working on getting to know someone to possible have a threesome and see where we go from there with. There has been one chick so far that i have talked to that i like and Master has about died laughing over the messages that we trade back and forth. It is going to be interesting to say the least when this first experience happens, but im looking forward to it. It is something that gets me out of my comfort zone and i know it is something that Master has only dreamed about. No offense, but no matter how much He denies it...i know any straight guy has a fantasy about having fun with two women at the same time. She seems really nice and only time will tell how things go. For now, we are making friends and seeing how things go from there.
     The last thing on my mind is that i am CRAVING some time in the lifestyle, such as punishments and just being teased and played with and tied up and just everything about it. It has been a little while since i received a spanking, although that one i had asked for after taking a fitness test and failing it and on top of that i had cussed A LOT during the process because it hurt my legs a good bit and i am not allowed to cuss. So Master spanked me that night and it felt good and made me realize i miss getting a good spanking every now and then. Its just i know that Master has a lot on His plate and He spends His days taking care of the baby, but a part of me wants to ask for Him to really enforce the rules and for us to go back to square one with that. Where for me to learn the rules, any breaking of the rules results in a punishment whether its the same day or later when we get home. To me, it just feels like im getting away with a lot and i crave and need that structure back again(or just to feel like it has never gone away). I also need guidance when it comes to my schooling because i recently missed 5 due dates and it was a mistake on my part and the instructor but mostly mine. It sucked, but Master tried to help out and in my mind i should have gotten it done before the extra time allowed before it was late. Either way....i know Master is trying to help me and knew i missed the 4 videos, but i recently forgot a discussion in the same class so i am bracing myself for that. It was done, but i was unable to post it within the time frame because i kept putting off working on my homework because i have felt so tired/sick.
    Master i am sorry when You read this if You get offended by things that i write, but this is how i have been feeling and why i have seemed mad/upset/agitated or whatever with You. In my head i have been trying to figure out how to put into words how i am feeling and for some reason i was finally able to tonight. Please Master, can you please bring me back to square one. Punish me if i mess up a rule (such as the one i set for myself that i HAD to keep up with the dishes and throwing away diapers and little things like that once i get home or wake up on my off days) or even every so often can i have a good girl spanking. My body craves Your touch and it longs to have You toy and play with it day after day. There are times that i shy away, but sometimes its because You play with me right before work and i cant play until late the next day(although that decision is not up to me as to whether i get played with or left wanting You and i see that now) and others its because i crave that control and feel like i just need You to ignore me pushing You away and grab me and just show me Your dominance. Please remind me what things are like and that things are still good because everything else around me is crashing down and this is the only thing that is still stable in my life is You and me and our dynamic together. Please Master remind me of my submission...control me, dominate me, bend me to Your will, whatever You choose. Most of all though, i just want to say that i love You and You are the most amazing man in the world. From the bottom of my heart, i apologize if i come off rude or mean or just upset/mad at You because im really not. Things are just in turmoil inside me right now and You are the one that helps make it all clear and unwind or be forgotten. You bring me back down to earth when it seems everything is crashing down and there is nothing left to do. You are my life and soul and i will cherish You for all time. Love you so much Master and again i hope this post does not upset You as i needed to find someway to express what was going on and that i am definitely NOT upset or mad at You.