Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Just another day in the life, I guess....

    Wow today has been a good day and a much needed day of rest and relaxation (aside from chasing a baby around and making sure our baby didn't knock their head open on the table). The weird thing is that despite not really having to do anything today other than look at applications and find various places that are hiring around us, i noticed later this afternoon i started to feel blah. Master has been amazing today and has helped to take care of our baby, but i still felt like i was messing up and just felt blah.
    My emotions aren't usually through the roof, but Master has acknowledged that there are times where i am on a roller coaster as far as my emotions go. Maybe it has to do with the fact that yesterday i wasn't able to get my birth control switched to the Mirena because of the stupid insurance and the loopholes and bells and whistles you have to do just to get in to see the doctor. It sucks and im hoping that things get better later this week when i go to get our insurance changed over and hopefully find a doctor that is closer to us up here. Although it is still weird to me that reading about the Mirena, you have to feel yourself up (depending on the ob) to see what the string feels like and then Master was like "so theres going to be a string hanging in your vagina?" and it was the funniest thing to me. Ever since our almost two month stint in the hospital this time last year with our daughter threatening to come way before my due date, i have had an aversion to getting felt up or checked by an ob because there were so many times that i had to get checked to see if i had dilated any further and to determine if my membrane was still intact. It was just a long and tiring ordeal, although it did have the most amazing pay off as a reward :) our little one. Anyways, since i had our child my emotions have kind of been on a roller coaster and im not sure if its because im still depressed or just my hormones are imbalanced. Master thinks its due to me having a hormone imbalance because it comes on very suddenly and with no warning. I can be having the best day ever and all of a sudden just feel completely blah and i don't know how to fix it and it lingers around for a good little while. So now im trying to shake this by doing whatever i can.
      Speaking of it lingering, a part of me wonders if it is because im homesick and missing everyone and that i don't really have too many friends. Things have gotten even more tense since Master and i have moved back into town because of a situation that happened. Master's sibling was up with their partner and they were staying in the master bedroom that we were moving into that had the bathroom attached. Master's old bedroom was available and we were going to move the bed that His sibling and partner were sleeping on into the other room because we were going to set up our own bed. Well text messages exchanged and Master and i were asked if me, Him, and our child could sleep in His old bedroom because they didn't realize we were coming up that night and they couldn't stay with Masters other sibling and partner. Their house was full because His brother's partner's parents were staying with them because they were working on closing on a house and the paperwork hadn't gone through. So instead of doing the right thing of trading rooms with us because we have a child and they DO NOT have a child, we were asked to be inconvenienced and crammed into a small room that was definitely NOT made for two adults and a baby and a dog. So to say i was a little upset and mad was an understatement. On top of that, Master and i moved everything into the house by ourselves. There was no offer from Master's sibling to help us even though we had taken time out of our vacation to help His sibling move. With no help, Master almost had to take me to the doctor because the pain got so bad. Luckily i still had some of my medicine left so i was able to take it and began to feel better. For some reason, im not able to lift extremely heavy objects, but i had to in order to help Master because He had no other help and there was no way He could move that stuff on His own. Well His siblings were at the house when we were moving the last of the heavy furniture in and not one offered to help us carry it in real quick to get it into the house and to help Master out because the whole family knows of the medical issues that i have. It was just frustrating. Then we had to lie to His older relative when it was asked who was outside because we didn't want them to know that Master's sibling was outside because then they would have asked why they weren't coming in and be upset about that.
     The family situation is just frustrating because its like more and more i feel that we are the odd man out. Master's older and younger sibling both hang out and talk to each other more than they talk to the two of us. On top of that, i made a peace offering by cleaning up the spare bedroom and consolidating our stuff just in case we are still here when they come up here to live with us at Master's older relatives house. Which i forgot to mention....we found out about two months before we moved in here that i was going to be getting out of the military and didn't have time to save for a place. Well, Master's sibling says that they will be moving up here with their partner once they get married 6 months after the marriage. This is after we had already told the family that we would be staying with the same relative that they were going to try to stay with. Their excuse is so they can save money, but what i don't understand is how you cant have money saved up when you are planning A YEAR OUT to move up with family. That is a year that you could set aside money each pay check to go towards moving expenses and finding a place up here. I mean come on, especially with knowing their paychecks and that they make EXCELLENT money, it really makes me mad that they are doing this. It is putting the crunch on me and Master to find places that will hire the two of us and also find a place to live that accepts pets and is suitable for us and our baby. That is a lot to do in a 9-10 month time frame. To me, its almost like if you know that far out, maybe you cut out the trips to certain places or eating out all the time to put money aside for a life event that you are making a choice to do and not being forced to do like me and Master were.
    So all of this is just frustrating me and so i feel like i don't have anybody to turn to as far as family really. My family is someone to talk to occasionally, but there are just things you cant talk to them about. On top of that, the two friends i had made in the lifestyle were where Master and i used to live and that is a good trip from where we are now. This leaves me back to trying to make new friends in the area we are in, but the two sites that Master and i are members of that i send messages on gets me nowhere. Its like im being ignored or when i do get messages, its from the people fishing and telling me that either my pictures are being reported or i should prove that im not a man by getting on cam for them. Its frustrating and i don't know what to do. This lifestyle isn't something that you tell any normal person about that you meet and become friends with. It takes a lot of trust and years of being friends with them before i think i could even tell someone about me and Master and our relationship, but even still they might not get it. Im just at a loss as to how to go about meeting new people, especially since im not on my own territory so to speak. My life is now in Master's territory so im trying to meet people around His area. Plus having a child we have to make sure they are okay to be around them.
       In other news, today was my first full day of wearing the everyday collar that Master bought me. It is gorgeous and i absolutely love it. Feeling it around my neck, it is a little tighter than a normal necklace, but it doesn't look like a choker on my neck and it makes me feel like im owned and His. He is my Master and He is the one in charge. It is definitely evident with the surprises that i have given Him the past couple times that we have been intimate. Last night was another surprise for Him and wearing His collar made me feel even more submissive. When i made a trip to the local store, i bought a couple more bandanas to use because they are versatile for us and definitely inconspicuous as far as being used for play. Tying them to the end of the bed and then to the spreader bar that Master had bought, i left my lower half completely helpless to Him. His lil one's body was His to do with whatever He wished. It was so surreal because i was feeling completely submissive and knew that i would be able to handle whatever it was that He did to me. It sucks because to unveil my surprise, i have to ask Him to wait in our closet, but it is amazing listening to Him come out and willing myself to do this for Him. Everytime right before i tell Him that His surprise is ready and it is safe to come out, i find myself having a battle of wills with myself on whether or not i really want to do this and i have to take a few deep breaths to calm my nerves and remind myself that what im doing is for Him. So last night i had to do that. For me to be able to do it, i haven't gotten to the point where i can watch Him come out and lay eyes on His surprise just yet but i know i will some day. He played with me, spanking His lil one's ass and using the flogger and belt that i had laid out all while playing with the vibrator in me as well. He knew that the last time i had written, i had come so close to asking Him to claim His lil one's body as His to do with what He wished and He did last night. His pussy was fucked hard and then His ass (which felt glorious after the initial moment of pain from Him just plowing in but i loved the feeling of getting used to Him and then Him fucking my ass just as hard as He would His pussy with the vibrator in His pussy) and then He took His mouth and used it to make Him cum. It was such an amazing feeling knowing that i was bringing about those feelings and opening myself up to be that little slut and whore that He wants me to be for Him.
     Yesterday Master said something that made me realize it was very true. He was playing with His lil one and told me to spread my legs so that He could play with His pussy while we were driving down a backroad. There was nobody coming and nobody in front of us to see, but there was still something in me that wanted to resist and did slightly at first. After what felt like forever, He looked at me and started laughing saying i had this look that showed that i was battling with myself. There was a battle between my body saying yes, but my head is saying no that's not a good thing to do. It shows that there is some time for this to be worked on until i can spread my legs for Him without even thinking twice about it, but until then i know that He knows that i am working on it and doing my best to conquer these feelings. So far there have been a couple surprises and i think im running out of ideas, but hopefully i have inspired Master's creative juices. The past two times that i have thought of things i have felt so hot and bothered that i couldn't believe how amazing it was. On top of that, i have been in some form of bondage/restraint and i think i like being restrained slightly so that no matter what i know He has control over me. It felt hot when He grabbed my legs by the bar last night and kept pulling me back when my body was wanting me to pull away. To me it shows that He loves me and is truly the Master and has the control.
      The other part has been working on the learning the rules too for Him so that i can please Him. So far, i think ive done well but i cant be completely sure. Yesterday we had a rocky time where He told me a few times (probably more than should have with me being stubborn) to tell Him what i was feeling and i was being stubborn and shrugging my shoulders or saying i don't know. He had to drag the answer out, but i did communicate with Him after a couple minutes what i was feeling. On top of that, i know i have a maintenance spanking coming up some time soon which should be interesting. It has been a little while since i have had a really good spanking that left me sore sitting down later/the next day but i know it is very much needed and will remind me that i am Master's lil one. He is the Master and i am the submissive. So tonight is another night of alone time for us and im curious as to what will happen tonight. Curiosity is getting the better of me and im wondering what quite a few things would feel like, like having my arms immobile or wrist cuffs would feel like. There is no surprise for tonight that i know of, but i think ill wear something that Master will like.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

i asked.....He delivered but more than i bargained

    So yesterday Master delivered His new set of rules to me and all i can say is that i asked and He definitely delivered. He is an amazing Master and Dominant and knew exactly what i needed based on the rules and punishments that He set forth for us to start with.
    Today was the first day of the new rules and im not sure how i did. It was hard trying to remember each and every one of them and i know that since it is like we are starting over, but skipping the under consideration step, it will take some time for me to get used to these new rules. It is crazy because there aren't very many, but at the same time there are enough that it will take a few days to get used to them. Some are already known and some have been modified, but i couldn't be more happier with how well Master answered my questions and needs and wants and desires and just everything within me.
    Last night was a huge step for me and when we had first started talking about making new plans and new rules and adjusting things because we both felt that i was drifting away from lil one. To surprise Master, i came up with an idea of a good way to surprise Him. He has missed having sex with me lately because things have seem to come up that prevent us from getting intimate with each other....i got sick, then He felt sick, then mother nature intervened and it was my time of the month. It sucked, but He dealt with it and didn't seem upset by it at all. Well anyways, i decided to surprise Him the best way that i thought i could. He had to stand in the closet because of our living arrangements right now. As He stood in there, i laid out the toys that we own. Then i took one of the bandanas we had and used it as a blindfold and the last part was to secure my self in the spreader bar that we had. I found that i cant get my arms fully secured like i had wanted to, but it was secured enough for Master's taste. He was thoroughly shocked when He came out and saw me with the spreader bar around my ankles and wrists, holding me in the position, similar to the picture below(claim no ownership/found on google image search)
It was definitely crazy for me to put myself into this situation, but i wanted to show Master just how badly i wanted things to be different and that i really did want to be HIS lil one. He was the only one that i wanted to own me and use me. Putting myself into this position was the only way that i could put that gesture towards Him and He loved it! He admitted to me that He was shocked when He came out but loved it too.
    Master used the tools that i had set out and spanked me with the whip that we had, hitting my ass and pussy and setting it on fire. It was weird to feel my pussy being spanked by Master, but i took it all in because i knew it was what He wanted for me. His lil one's body was His to do with whatever He wanted to do and it mean that He wanted to spank me. The crazy thing is that i felt myself getting hot from the spanking the longer it went on. It was also added on to because sometimes in between the hits, Master would play with His pussy and tease it and then He added the vibrator on to it. It was such a weird feeling to be spanked while having a vibrator sitting in His pussy and going off. Lets just say the rest of the session left me wanting and craving more that at one point i remember asking Master to fuck His lil one because i was so hot. In the past, i never would have thought id get to the point where i would ask Him to fuck His lil one, but it sure got to that point. He had me wanting and so hot and bothered that i definitely was His lil slut last night. Reading stories on literotica and other sites, i always wondered what it would be like and if i would ever get to the point of begging Him to fuck His slut and need Him so bad but last night was it. It was perfect to say the least and if He had teased any further, i probably would have gotten to the point of asking Him to fuck my whole body and mark me as His slut. That may be further down the road because Master knows that for me to ask like i did last night was a good step for me and it may take some more prodding for me to get to the point where im begging Master to fuck all His holes and to mark my body as His. Although right now that actually doesn't sound too bad, but im not going to get greedy. :D
     So anyways.....Master and i both agreed to the new set of rules and punishments and im posting them here for myself as a reminder and will also be changing my rules page so that it is listed there as well.  It is definitely going to be interesting to learn these and i know i will make a few mistakes, but i am excited that we are headed back in the right direction. I might bring up my new rule ideas that i thought of and planning on another surprise for Master :D

1. Be respectful (when alone always use Sir)
first offense: 5 with hand over pants and 5 min corner time
second offense: 10 with belt on bare bottom plus corner time
third offense: 25 with paint stirrer with clothes pins plus corner time
final offense: under consideration
2. No cumming without permission.
first offense: 10 with hand over bare bottom plus corner time
second offense: 25 with belt on bare bottom plus corner time
third offense: 50 with paint stirrer with clothes pins plus corner time
final offense: under consideration
3. Chosen underwear by Master unless on your period
first offense: 5 with hand over underwear
second offense: No underwear worn until period plus 20 with belt
third offense: One hour in corner with underwear in mouth
final offense: under consideration
4. When driving together and alone, the left hand rests on the upper thigh
first offense: No talking for the rest of the trip
second offense: Pants off during the trip and 10 thigh smacks
third offense: No Facebook for a month
final offense: under consideration
5. ALWAYS be honest with Him
first offense: Phone taken away for the day
second offense: No computer or phone for a week
third offense: No computer or phone for a month
final offense: under consideration
6. No headshaking to answer a question.
first offense: Corner holding a dime against the wall for 10 min
second offense: Corner holding a dime against the wall for 30 min
third offense: No sleeping in the bed with Me
final offense: under consideration
7. No smart mouth or sarcasm with Him
first offense: Clothes pin on tongue
second offense: Ball gag in mouth for 30 min
third offense: Clothes pins on nipples and ball gag in mouth for one hour
final offense: under consideration
8. Be ready for anything that He wants to do with no thought of regret or back talk
first offense: Blowjob for Master with no cum for you
second offense: Teased for one hour without being able to cum
third offense: No sex for a month
final offense: under consideration
9. Must approve any friend requests on FL or CM
first offense: Shut down fetlife or collarme
second offense: see first offense
third offense: see first offense
final offense: under consideration
10. No drinking without Master present
first offense: Water only for the whole day
second offense: Not allowed to go out with friends for a week
third offense: Not allowed to go out for a month
final offense: under consideration
11. Stay shaved when not on period
first offense: 10 on pussy with hand
second offense: 20 with belt on pussy
third offense: 30 with paint stirrer and clothes pins on pussy
final offense: under consideration
12. Receive maintenance spankings without trying to talk out of it to remind me of my place
first offense: No refusal
second offense: No refusal
third offense: No refusal
final offense: under consideration
13. Open to trying new things in the lifestyle with Master
14. Keep the baby and O/our laundry done (including folded and put away)
first offense: No clothes worn at night
second offense: No computer or phone til clothes are done
third offense: No computer or phone til cothes are done plus clothes pins on all night
final offense: under consideration
15. Blog at least once a week on both O/our blog and the baby's blog
first offense: No computer for the day
second offense: No computer for the week
third offense: No computer for a month
final offense: under consideration
16. Keep track of all appointments and any items needed for those appointments
first offense: Write "I will not forget appointments" 100 times
second offense: Corner time for 30 min plus writing
third offense: Corner time for one hour plus writing
final offense: under consideration
17. ALL school work must be done or if in multiple parts, a part of it done
first offense: No Facebook til done
second offense: No Facebook for a week
third offense: No Facebook for a month
final offense: under consideration
18. Make the bed every day before leaving the house or going to work (unless Master is asleep in bed)
first offense: No covers at night except for a sheet
second offense: No covers at night at all
third offense: Not allowed to sleep in the bed
final offense: under consideration
19. Clean the house every other weekend
first offense: Clean house then no Facebook all day
second offense: Clean house then no computer all week
third offense: Clean house then no computer or phone for a month
final offense: under consideration
20. Provide grocery list to Him the day before shopping
first offense: 5 with hand
second offense: 10 with belt
third offense: 20 with paint stirrer
final offense: under consideration
21. Menu list is provided to Him before shopping
first offense: 5 with hand
second offense: 10 with belt
third offense: 20 with paint stirrer
final offense: under consideration
22. Wear lingerie at least once a week to bed unless on period
first offense: No clothes for the night
second offense: No clothes for the week
third offense: No clothes for the month
final offense: under consideration
23. Master gets fed before you eat
first offense: Not allowed to eat for 5 min
second offense: Not allowed to eat for 10 min
third offense: Not allowed to eat til after Master is done
final offense: under consideration
24. Always have a plan for dinner
first offense: Not allowed to cook for the week
second offense: Not allowed to cook for a month
third offense: Not allowed to go out to eat for a month
final offense: under consideration
25. Any rules/ideas must be run through Master 
first offense: talk to Master
second offense: talk to Master
third offense: talk to Master
final offense: talk to Master

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Talk Last Night

    So last night after writing that post, Master and i talked about the various things that were brought up in the blog post on how i was feeling. Now when i say this, it is by no means putting the blame on anyone person. It is merely observations that were made between me and Him and the agreement that was brought up.
    Master and i have been apart as far as me not acting like lil one for a while now and after reading the blog post, Master brought up that He does love the dog. He just doesn't react like i do to her. To Him, our dog is just a dog to Him but to me she is like another friend that offers silent comfort when it is needed. But He reassured me that He doesn't hate her except when she whines at 4 in the morning after being taken out and only because she wants to play.
    The big part of what was brought up was the issue of me not acting like lil one or being His lil one. He had noticed that for some reason i had started wearing a bra to bed and i wasn't wearing the underware that He was wanting me to when it wasn't my time of the month. So i was told not to wear a bra to bed and that i would wear the underware He wanted when it wasn't my time of the month. He told me that He would write out the rules today and i would sign them this time stating that these are the rules and i am agreeing to follow them. On top of that though, Master revealed that lately when He tried to punish me for something i was fighting it tooth and nail. He knew that the type of person i was before was where i fought it a little bit, but i genuinely accepted the punishment and that He was making the right decision for me. It hurt hearing that i was discouraging Him from punishing me because i was fighting Him so much. To be honest, it hurt hearing Him basically telling me that i was no longer letting Him be my Master by fighting His decision and eventually He just stopped trying because i would fight so hard everytime. It is hard to hear these words coming from the person you love the most because it shows that the issue is you and not more a time thing.
    My thoughts on all of this is that i need a major crash course in the lifestyle and that i definitely need to be retrained by Master. It seems that i have forgotten what it is like to be a submissive and have let the vanilla side of me take over too many times. The submissive side of me wouldn't fight the punishment too much (id fight a little bit but that's only because im playful sometimes and like to give Him a little excitement sometimes), but i have been fighting and enough to cause Master to not feel like a Master anymore. It seems that my mind is letting the everyday life that ive had to get used to because of my job take over and i definitely don't want that. My mind is not where it should be and i feel that it needs to be fixed for sure. Of course this decision is up to Master, but i hope that He feels the same and that i definitely need a MAJOR attitude and mind adjustment. After Master reassuring me that after last night things will be different, i have an idea of something i can do for Him but i have to wait until my time of the month is over. It may not be until after i get back from visiting family, but i hope He can appreciate this offer that will be given to Him when the time is right. Curiosity will probably kill me as i wait to see what we are going to do from here on out, but im excited about the new changes. Master has already ordered me a daily collar, which i didn't have before and it will be a constant reminder of Him owning me and that i am His submissive and not the other way around as i have made it lately.
     There are a lot of lessons that i need to relearn and now that Master and i have time to ourselves i know there will be time for it. Not to mention the family member we are staying with is hard of hearing and their bedroom is on the other side of the house. It may be beneficial for me to be gagged for some of it, but i think that i may need it sometimes because im sure there are punishments and lessons that Master needs to give me. Who knows what the future holds, but hopefully it is better than the rocky road that we have had in the past few months.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Dont even know what to call this....

   My head feels so confused and emotions just swirling and running around rampant that i honestly don't know what to feel anymore. Right now Master and i aren't speaking (due to me and not Him) and i just don't know. My brain is so confused right now that i am trying to make sense of everything.
   Lately Master and i have seemed to be in some kind of funk, me more than Him. He has even made the comment to me that i don't seem like His lil one lately by the way that i have been acting. Hearing those words crush me because to me i have been trying my hardest to act like lil one now that i don't have anything stopping me, but it just seems like im doing everything wrong. Master and i have had more disagreements then usual and a lot of it is that i get upset or frustrated about something and that in turn leaves Him mad at me and its a cycle until He comes to me and gets me to talk to Him, but for some reason tonight feels different.....
    To me, it feels like i have lost touch with the lifestyle. Yes Master and i have a child and we get alone time together, but it still feels like we aren't connecting at all like we were before. My moods can change in a heartbeat and that often leaves Master distancing Himself from me, or so it feels, and then He comes back later to talk to me about what is going on. After trying so hard and then coming up short, a part of me wonders why try anymore. Its almost like i want to break every rule just to see if anything will happen, but im not that kind of submissive/girl. Lately, a part of me feels that im to blame for every little thing and that times Master says He is okay with whatever is going on that He isn't okay. Its almost like i get tuned out at times and He tells me what i want to hear to appease me at the time. A part of me feels like im the one who always has to communicate with Him and im the one that gets shut down when i try to talk to Him about things. He tells me that He is the one that has to shoulder everything, but sometimes i know that He needs to talk.
     The other thing that has been circling around in my brain is that we have gotten a new puppy recently. She wasn't exactly healthy when we got her (a $184 vet bill later and she was diagnosed with round and hook worms, serious high level infestation causing her to be underweight and unable to hold food down), but since we got her He has seemed mad that she is here and gets upset when she whines at night sometimes and takes a little bit to calm down. Admittedly this morning i was ready to kill her when she wanted to play at 4 in the morning but ive gotten up with her everytime she has had to go potty in the early morning. He has taken care of her between 8-10/11am when i take a nap from getting up with her throughout the night. He suggested putting her back up the other night (before i took her to the vet and found out why she wasn't keeping food down) for adoption because of her whining and inability to hold food down and seemed hesitant when i took her to the vet. It had been almost a week and she was holding small bits of food down at a time. He would seem distant about her and when i asked Him if He was fine that she was here, i would get told that as long as i was happy He was happy, but His actions say otherwise. He just doesn't seem to like her a majority of the time and is frustrated with her. My thought is that if He didn't want her, He should have said something and not waited until after we got her to be upset. He made the deal with me that it would be a new dog or a baby because of things that were going on it was wiser for us to get a new dog (plus our current dog needs a playmate and our child needed their own puppy). It just hurts when He acts like He doesn't want to be around her or hates her. She is such a good puppy and i just want Him to be as excited about her as i am because for being only 8 weeks old, she already lets us know when she needs to go outside and is very well behaved (aside from her getting sick after eating issue but that's being fixed).
      The most important thing that keeps popping up in my head is about how He feels that i haven't been acting like lil one at all. Its weird to hear that and then get told later that i make Him proud by the things that im doing. My mind is conflicted because i don't know what to do and what not to do to act like His lil one. A part of me feels like im so disconnected from the lifestyle and that we just need a reset, but how do i ask Master for that? He has threatened to put me back to "under consideration" because of things that have happened in the past and things got that bad but it didn't happen. Lately it seems like there are no punishments for things done wrong and He just lets things go and a part of me gets frustrated because of that. A part of me knows that sometimes He holds back because of where we are at or He doesn't want to hurt me, but at the same time i feel like its time for Him to start punishing me for things. Granted i don't get into trouble often, but sometimes laundry gets left in the dryer or bottles sit on the sink for a day or two before they get washed and should be washed every night. There was an incident a couple weeks ago where Master accidentally hit my sore spot without meaning to and nothing came out of it other than me getting upset at him and hitting him back hard and He got upset because i hit Him (same day i was told that i hadn't been acting like lil one for at least two weeks at that point). We talked a little bit that day and it seemed things eased out, but lately it seems that there are more and more days where im getting frustrated at Master and i don't know why. To me, its time for the cycle to end and i just have to figure out how to go about doing that and whatever effort it will take.
     When Master and i first started dating, there were times where He would take control of me and do whatever He wanted with me in the bedroom, but now its more like vanilla sex with aspects of bdsm built in. We have lost that spark that we had when we were first together. Granted right now our living situation isn't the best, but we were staying in this same place when we first got together and made it work amazingly well. Now that our child is sleeping through the night, we have all the time in the world for time together just the two of us and there isn't any sickness lately (although i do have an occasional twinge in my back but nothing to where we have to work around it like in the past). Its just hard because believe me it is not Master that is having the issue in all of this, it is me. He has been looking out for me and ive gotten used to the slack and use it to get away with a lot. There is an underware rule in place and there are times it hasn't been followed and Master knows it hasn't such as with skirts or in regular jeans. My body is craving more of the lifestyle, but its just hard because i don't know how to get myself back there. Maybe i need to see if Master will start using positions with me or punishments for any rule broken until i get back into the swing of things. There has to be some way for me to get back into being lil one again so that i can stop upsetting Master and us having little arguments/disagreements. After this, i think Master and i will have a discussion about things and where we stand and maybe a revamp on the rules and discuss things and figure out how to get better. Granted right now, not a whole lot can be done because of Mother Nature but im sure Master will have a plan for things and i have to trust Him about it.
       i just love Master so much and want to make Him so proud of me, but lately it feels like all i have done is let Him down and get upset with Him. i don't want that anymore and im hoping that getting back to ourselves will help me feel like lil one again now that i don't have to worry about things with my old job and the stress that i was under from it. Hopefully this post is a stepping stone for us and it helps me figure out how to talk to Master and explain how ive been feeling without Him getting upset and feeling hurt when He reads this. i want to fix things before they get to the point of breaking and i lose Master because that is my deepest fear is no longer being the lil one that He fell in love with and collared and He doesn't want to be with me anymore or doesn't want to be in the lifestyle anymore (that would devastate me and i would more than likely cease to function if that happened). So for going to try to gather my thoughts, revisit an old story, lay in bed with Master and hopefully talk with Him and see where things go from there.

***none of these are my pictures, but i found them on a google search. They are merely what im hoping to get back to.***