Thursday, June 20, 2013

Moment of clarity or breakthrough thought process?

    So today has been a self thought type of day. There has been a lot of mumbo jumbo running around in my brain and it is hard trying to discern everything and figure out what is what. This may be a long rambling post, but the good thing about this being a blog for me is that i'm writing this to get it out there and if someone doesnt like it they can always move on to the next bdsm/lifestyle blog right? Call me calloused after saying that, but i feel that in my life i have done a lot of caring about what other people think. After a conversation last night with my grandfather and the words of Master reverberating through my head over that whatever someone does it isnt up to me to judge them. I can not like it or disagree with it, but ultimately it isnt up to me to decide how it turns out. Now with this being said, i have come to realize that a lot of the times i worry what people think about me and i try not to show too much because i dont want to give people the wrong impression. Master even commented about it and told me that it was almost like i was living in my own little shell when He first met me. He felt that i was so naive and innocent and acted that way. There are a lot of things that i havent done with Him because i was nervous about what if someone found out somehow or something along those lines, but thanks to getting out of my old career i dont have to worry about it as much as i did before. The biggest consequence now is losing a job instead of facing possible jail time for myself.
    Anyways, my mind is made up that once these next few days are over with, i am going to set about becoming the person that Master knows i am inside, the person our baby needs, and a more social butterfly. There are things that i keep putting off and putting off because i just dont feel like it and then i get moments where i have self-loating of how im so fat and i feel like i look horrible. If i feel that way and i really want to do something, it is about time that i get off my lazy butt and start working out and holding myself accountable. This is something i have to do for myself and if Master wants to throw in an added bonus of rewards/punishments then so be it, but for now i am doing this one alone. My mind is made up and Master knows that when i usually make my mind up to something there is not really any changing it. So im curious to see where this road will take me. Starting the day i know Aunt flo has left, i will be working out and keeping track of every little bite that i eat and how i feel and if i take my medicine or not. Right now i have a very high cholesterol and it was a joke or it seemed like one to me before but i realized its not a joke and could kill me in a few years if i dont do something to change it.   
Master and i have discussed my blog post from the other date about how i felt confused and then had a moment of clarity later in the day that i was upset about the circumstances we were in. Earlier tonight i had a subtle reminder when browsing through the K and P section of FL where i saw this writing about a submissive or slave that was upset and her Master reminds her that she submits to Him everything and not just her body. It is up to me to remember this because if not im failing Master and failing Master means i disappoint Him and i dont ever want to do that. My mind, heart, body, soul, cares, worries, fears, everything is His and He has agreed to bear the burden. If He tells me not to worry about something, then i dont need to worry about it. If He says that we will be okay and that if something doesnt come through we will be fine, He knows that somehow we will figure out something and we will all be taken care of. He is the protector of me and our baby and i wouldnt want it any other way.
    This brings me to another point.....Master and i have talked about trying new things in the lifestyle and there are a few things that i'd like to try. Looking on Master's profile to remind myself of what He liked and didnt like and what i was looking to try, i found a few things. These are what Master has said that He likes and is into and i am craving to try it. He has indicated that He likes bondage,rope bondage/suspension, candle wax, and outdoor bondage. All of these seem very exciting to me and of course there is still the unpursued idea of Master having two submissives at His feet and to do with what He wishes. In my mind, i am itching to try this because this would be an amazing experience and a part of me is very curious what it would be like to try everything there is with another girl with Master there of course. The other thing that i havent told Master yet is that i have a craving to possibly go to a munch or a play party. Neither of us has ever talked about it before, but the idea of being around others and just showing how much i love Master and see if they really are like what i have read about. Plus i really would like to see what it is like to see the different aspects of the lifestyle that are shown at these kinds of things and also to be around people that are just like us. Sometimes i feel alone and that is also a part of the new me...with Master's encouragement of course i have put myself out there and am trying to make new friends in the lifestyle. :) So far i have been talking to a couple, but im not sure where things will go with either one of them. Either way if it happens, it happens and if not i know that i did nothing wrong in trying to talk to them. The other thing that i would love to try more of and this is weird coming from me is more anal. The way Master has worked with my ass and how it takes Him hurts but feels good at the same time. The way it hurts is such a good feeling kind of hurt that oh my goodness, i am just drooling about it right now. He has truly made my whole body His that during Aunt flo, i find myself missing Him fucking me like He does. Last night Master had me sucking His cock and He kept running His hand over my ass (i love it when He does that especially when im laying down in bed and writing in my blogger). All i kept thinking was that i wshed He would take my ass and use it for His pleasure. It was weird because i felt like He wanted to, but He was unsure because of whats going on down there. All i kept think was "please Master just pull my shorts down and fuck my ass hard and use me like your submissive". He has called me an anal whore before and oddly enough during the moment i really do feel like one because i love it so much. There is just no way to describe the feeling and i still cant believe im saying i like it before because it used to scare me. Now i find myself wanting it and thinking of maybe trying a butt plug or something along those lines for Master one day. Oh there are so many ideas and im hoping that He knows after reading this just how much i love Him using my body for His pleasure. It makes me feel so good knowing that my ass is giving Him the pleasure that it is, especially during times that He cant really have His pussy. :D He has tried a vibrator in my pussy, i wonder what about my ass and if it feels the same. Wow there are so many different places this could go.

(i dont claim any ownership for these pictures, they are found by internet search)
    So my mind is thankfully decluttered now and it is up to Master to see where things go from here. There are no promises that i wont have days where i am not myself, but i plan on getting back to the lil one that Master first met and fell in love with and stay that way. It may be hard at first, but i know that we will get back into the swing of things and get back to being the Master and lil one that we were before our baby came along (not that we arent Master and lil one now, it just feels different). The path will be tough and probably filled with a few punishments/other things, but with Master beside me i know that i will make it. :D The future already looks brighter, even if i dont have any job prospects right now.

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