Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Moment of clarity?

   For some reason today my emotions have been more off center than usual, but i cant explain just why they are off. When asked earlier today why i was feeling blah and what it was and how to fix it, i couldnt even begin to describe it to Master or even a way to fix it. What is blah? How do you fix blah in someone who isnt quite sure how to fix it themselves? Well, in my case it didnt really get fixed but pushed under the rug.
   Frustrations lately seem to push me over the boiling point and i find myself losing my temper more often then i should. Now it isnt quite as much as i was before Master and i had the big talk and signed the rules, but it is a good deal and i am slightly concerned about it. Little things continue to add up and then i let them bother me and somehow some of them end up coming out against Master and He has to coax out of me why im upset or anxious or whatever i am at the moment. This afternoon at lunch was the perfect example because He had to coax out of my why i was upset. At first i thought i was upset at Him and things that are going on, but thinking it through after a few minutes of "i dont knows" and shrugging my shoulders and Him reminding me that we have had this talk before to finally get it out of me that it is the situation we are in.
    It has been almost two months since i was at work, but under a month since i got my last paycheck. It is worrying me that we still have about two more months left for me to start school and get a paycheck every month from that thanks to my benefits. We had some money saved up from our tax return, but it is slowly dwindling away and part of me is nervous as to what happens when it runs out and the school money hasnt started yet? We also still have to be able to pay for groceries and our other bills and just everything is starting to get to me. Plus on top of that, living with Master's grandparent is fine with me to help us save money but it is starting to wear me out. Our baby is at the age where they are starting to climb on the coffee table we have and cry when we tell them no they cant do something. Right after we tell them no, he is reaching in to try and pick them up or comfort them and is urging them to climb up to get to him when we dont want the baby learning it is okay to climb on the coffee table at all. It is hard because i feel that the baby is getting confusing messages when we see them crawling on the table and stop them but dont stop them when they get up and Master's grandparent takes the baby into their lap. It is basically counteracting us, but because the way both of us were raised neither one of us is going to tell this grandparent that they cant do that. We dont want to be seen as being disrespectful, especially since His grandparent is giving us a place to stay.
    Other minor frustrations also include that normally i am the one to clean up the kitchen, but every night i am getting told not to worry about it because we are the ones that cooked dinner and His grandparent can clean up. This same grandparent also cleans up after us, like if i put a dish in the sink after we use it after dinner, it is washed off and in the dishwasher the next morning. Normally i would be glad for the help but i feel this is part of my duties in taking care of things. It's taking away from the things i can do around here. It is just frustrating to go from having your own place to not wanting to step on the toes of someone else while you are in their house. Master had to turn the heat off in the house because this same grandparent didnt realize he still had it switched over to heat so the house is now comfortable to sit in, but Masters grandparent is now cold because they keep putting on sweaters and robes everynight.
    Writing all this has made me realize that part of the reason i have been so blah today is that i dont feel like my submissive self. There are so many things stopping me from doing my duties around here and then with this whole money situation i cant help but worry about our family and how we will make it. Earlier today i was mad because i felt like Master was brushing off the rules that i have broken and things have been let slide for some reason or another. But now i realize that it isnt His fault and more the situation we are in. Living with family, we have to watch we do especially since the family we are staying with are VERY religious and...yeah. Anyways, it wasnt His fault that He cant punish me like He would at our own house. He cant exactly put me in the corner in the middle of the day and at the end of the day after putting the baby in bed, there is not a whole lot of time for punishments. It is just a not good situation and i know it is NOT MASTER's FAULT AT ALL. It is my head putting these insecurities and trying to place blame onto them.
    It is weird how things suddenly become clear when you take a moment to think and examine things. It is stressful living in this situation, but i know that it is a short time deal. This living arrangment is just until we can get back on our feet again and i can get a job somewhere and Master can finish His certifications so that He can work. My mind has to wrap around the concept that this is only temporary and that i should do what i can for Master and try to make things easier on Him becasue He has a lot to deal with on His plate right now. I only wish that i had been able to tell Him all this earlier when He asked me what was wrong, but to be honest i didnt realize the issue until just now. When the timing is right, i know that i will get the punishments coming to me. Maybe it just means that for now while we are here, Master and i have to get a little creative as to the punishments and how they are given out. Whether that means doing like Master has done before and putting on the music channel, incorporating more gags during play and punishment (which i dont mind because i know i actually get somewhat loud sometimes), or even try making the huge walk in closet the punishment room and whatever i get punishment wise is doled out in there. Either way, i know that Master loves me and is doing the best job He can with the circumstances we are in. Being blah and dwelling on the bad of the situation isnt going to help either of us.
    On a side note, ive put myself out there and maybe made a few friends in the lifestyle through Fetlife. So far we are just talking, but who knows. Im just excited that people are talking to me and not sending a few emails and then running like a couple people have done. Its exciting and im working on getting out of my shell that i was put back in when we moved back up here.

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