Sunday, July 28, 2013

Realizations and a little motivation can go a long way!

   So last night was an interesting first for me and i think that it definitely deserves some insight to figure out why i acted like i did and why things went the way that they did. Last night Master gave me a spanking and it was one that i fully deserved for being as messed up as i was acting to Him earlier in the day.
    He had pulled me over His knee last night and was giving me a spanking with His hand. For some reason a part of me fought it and i knew it was what i needed, but the stubborn side in me came out and i fought going over His lap so hard that He had to get me to lay down on the bed. It was then that things just kept going and i found the other side of me coming out that i have no idea who she was. It was like all i could think of was fighting to get away from Him and to ease the pain in my backside. My butt was stinging so badly and all i could think about was easing that pain. So honestly, it was the selfish side in me coming out that wanted to end this pain even though i knew i deserved whatever Master was willing to give me. He told me to lay still while He finished the spanking and that if i moved again i was going to get it with the hairbrush. Try as i could, it hurt so much and after a couple hits, i couldn't help but try to move away from the pain and seek some sort of comfort. All i could do was lay there and try to catch  my breath from crying as i heard Master rummaging around in the bathroom.
      Before long my answer was found in the sting of the hairbrush as it landed on my already stinging backside. What was supposed to be a regular spanking turned out to be this big fiasco and me getting the hairbrush was only the half of it. When the pain gets too unbearable, i tend to put my hands up in defense and even if Master is holding onto them i try to get them loose if possible. It may not take the sting out of the pain in my butt, but it is some mental thing that tells me it does a little bit. After a warning telling me not to put my hands up again, i did it anyway. (Ugh why haven't i learned already that no matter what He is going to get the hits in whether i defend myself or not). He then went and rummaged in the closet and by this point i was definitely working at catching my breath between great gasping sobs and occasional scream into the mattress from the sting of the pain. Master came back with a tie to bind my hands together so that i could no longer block where He was aiming. It hurt like hell the next few hits, but i definitely deserved it for not listening to Master.
      He had me count out ten more hits that were spaced out. It was all i could do to count them out and i think i more gasped them out as i was trying not to scream at the top of my lungs with each hit. It hurt so much, but yet again i realize after the fact that i really did deserve every bit of the spanking He gave me because i had put myself into that situation to begin with. After the spanking, i found myself in the corner with my hands still bound. Standing there, tears streaming down my face, i realized that i had been such a bad lil one and that Master was only spanking me for what i deserved. My butt hurt so bad and i knew that i could reach it, but there was no way at this point that i was going to rub it at all to ease the pain. It would only make things worse and as His slave, i was only allowed to comfort myself once He told me that i could. So many thoughts ran through my head but the one thing was that i had let Master down by not taking my punishment gracefully like i should have as a good slave. Acting the way i had, not only let Him down but it also made me look like a fool.
     Master let me out of the corner and all i could do was cry into His shoulder because i felt so overwhelmed and upset that i had reacted the way i had. Even when i had posted in the journal that i was ready for whatever He would give me, i had done the totally opposite so i felt like i had lied to Him too. It just hurt but to know that He loves me and forgives me is the most amazing thing in the world. He knows my every thought and it was as if He could read my mind because He pulled me close to Him and said that i was forgiven. Hearing those words give me so much peace and solace because it knows that all is okay again.
     So this brings me to the big realization that it took me a day to realize. Last night with the spanking that i got from Master, despite knowing that i had let Him down and acted the way i did, i was still loved and forgiven for the wrongs that i had committed. It is an amazing feeling to know that no matter what happens, once the punishment is over that it is forgiven and everything is back to being like it never happened. To know that you are basically clean as can be. There is just so much love there and i love the way it feels knowing that all is forgiven and the love that Master has for me. The way He holds me and lets me know that all is forgiven and better is just a powerful thing to feel and know. It is weird to think that before i used to try and shy away from anything to do with the lifestyle, but after last night i feel that i am so grateful to be in this loving and amazing relationship like i am with Master. There is so much love and just the bond that the two of us have is so much better than the ones that my friends and their husbands or boyfriends have. It's crazy that most of my friends in the vanilla world complain about their husbands don't listen or they have a lot of rocky points where they don't talk or things are wrong, but i know that i am the luckiest girl in the world because of Master. He has listened to me, stood by me and been there through EVERYTHING, doesn't take any crap from me, loves me both when ive been heavy and when i was the thinnest that He knew me, just it is amazing seeing how deep our relationship is when most others today are barely skin deep.
      He is an amazing Master and last night just reconfirmed it even though it was (in my opinion) one of the worst punishment spankings i have ever received since the time when Master had to punish me for causing Him to worry like He did when i was in training. Last night made me realize just how much He loves me and i only hope that i show Him the same amount of love as He showed me by correcting my behavior last night, no matter how hard i made it for Him. He has truly blessed me and i hope He will always know that.
      Which on a side note, i forgot to post that Master and i were trying on our clothes the other morning and i have so far lost 2 pants sizes. With just changing what we were eating, i went from wearing a size 15/16 to a size 14. The next size down is a 12 which i fit into, but not the way i'd like to into them. It made me look like i had a muffin top, but at the same time i still fit into them without them feeling tight or feeling the button press into me when i was sitting down. Master laughed because i sent the picture of me fitting into the size 12 jeans to my mother and her reaction was that i shouldn't focus on the numbers but focus on what i was doing. To me, i love knowing how far i have come so far. To me, it is more discouraging for me to see a weight number than it is a pant size. To see me drop that much is an amazing feeling and i will not let anyone spoil it. The funny thing though is that my mother also told me that but yet she is the person who has never stuck with a diet plan and ridiculed me for taking the thought of gaining all the weight i could while i was pregnant to ensure that our baby was born at the most weight possible to give the baby the best fighting chance. Her snide remarks were that i wouldn't be able to lose the weight and that based on our family genetics once we gain weight we cant get rid of it and other things like that. To see me drop almost 2 pants sizes in the matter of a couple weeks is an amazing thing to me and the only person's opinion that matters anyways is the one of Master and myself. Although i think on that aspect He would say that the only opinion that matters would be mine, but i like knowing He likes what im doing too. :) He has chosen to stand by me and though i may not be the little thing that He first started dating, i know that i will get back to that weight. It may not be for a little while, but with a little work and determination i will get there. Until then, i plan on measuring my gains on the pants sizes that i lose and not focus on the number of my weight. If i focus on something more measurable, then weight isn't as much of an issue for me.
     My ultimate goal though is to get down to a healthy weight of 125 for my height. When Master and i first met i was slightly overweight, but it wasn't an unhealthy type of overweight. Running, swimming, softball, walking, basically anything that was active was my way of losing weight. It has been a while since i have run since getting sick, but i know i will get back to that level. It is something that takes time and healing and it is not an overnight process like i was expecting in the past. So far Master and i have made changes in our eating habits and glad to say i have kicked the habit of having to have a dr.pepper or dr.thunder or some sort of cola drink, but i have NOT given up my sweet tea. As a southern girl, no matter what diet i go on that will NEVER happen. It just means i have to drink as much water as i do sweet tea. Anyways, now it is time to mix in a little working out and the weight should come off even faster. Master and i have a deal that if i get to my goal weight i can buy a whole new GA outfit and some shoes to go with it. :) It is a deal that i cant pass up and im glad that Master is here to do it with me as well. He is between His 38 and 36 size but i know that with a little more time that He will be fitting into His smaller pants just like i will be back down to my size 4 or 6 in no time. Ahhh life is good!!

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Up, down, roll around, upside down, emotions are a pain!

     So last night Master and i had an amazing experience together! Lately the two of us have been taking steps towards changing from a Master/submissive type relationship to a Master/slave relationship. It has definitely been a great change and there is still a good road ahead of us before things to even a normal point of us having a Master/slave relationship.
     In the past week, Master and i have done a lot of research into a Master/slave style relationship to see just how things will change before fully diving into it. To say it is a little change is an extreme understatement. Master loves it when i voice my opinions at times, but there are also times where i am supposed to be the obedient slave and know when to hold my tongue. It hasn't been easy for me because of my natural personality because of how i was raised, but i know that Master is up for the challenge of taming His wild girl. Speaking of which, i feel so horrible for Master after everything that has gone on this week because i think my emotions and feelings have gotten the better of me and how i was raised was really coming out. Growing up, i often had to guard myself against my family and how they treated me. There was a lot of hurt and mean things said and i have gotten so used to putting that guard up that it has been so hard to fully take it down for Master. He has worked so hard to chip away at it piece by piece and slowly it has come away, but there are times i notice that it comes back. He has even made comments that i have gotten irritated and frustrated with Him and said things i shouldn't have said. It is not me and i hate that this evil trait comes out in me when i know that Master has done nothing wrong.
     Sarcasm was a trait that was commonly used around my house so that i never knew what was going on and if something said was true or not because things were always laced with sarcasm. On top of that, i had to shield myself from being hurt all the time by the people who were supposed to love me and accept me for how i was. Growing up i was always not performing well enough for them or i couldn't do this because we didn't have the money (but we could always blow money on going out to eat or my parents would blow money on some gadget or gizmo that we didn't need). Then once i got into adult age, my parents kept telling me that they didn't feel i was performing well enough and it was all about my dad and the changes that he was going through. Everything became about him and i had to constantly bottle up how i felt about things because i didn't want to disappoint anyone and i was expected to always be this perfect little angel. So naturally with Master sometimes these walls come back up and i get this attitude where i have to defend myself and support myself. It was reconfirmed this afternoon when Master told me that He wasn't going anywhere. Hearing those words, i knew He had recognized that those too familiar walls were closing in that He had worked so hard to tear down.
     It is hard for me to communicate how i am feeling sometimes and i really am trying to communicate a lot better with Him. He has always been there and He has always told me to be honest with Him and ALWAYS wants to hear what i have to say and what im thinking. It is hard to erase things that happened all throughout my childhood, but i know that i can do it. He has supported me more than i ever had growing up and has turned the focus on me and how im feeling instead of on himself or someone else. Now that kind of sounds selfish or needy or whatever you want to call it, but it is about wanting things to be about me every once in a while instead of like the major times in my life where it was all about my dad and the issues that he was facing.
    One part of that is where Master has taken how i feel about being a slave and run with it full stride. Before i had confided in Him that i felt that He wasn't as interested in it as i was and that He wasn't researching and getting into things like i was. Turns out He was working on a surprise for me and was starting the list of tasks and the positions that He wanted me to learn. It was a welcome surprise and made me realize even more just how much i love Him. He even gave me a week to learn them and remember the positions, commands for the positions, and the new rules that He is implementing. There was a lot of research that went into this new change because both of us wanting to go into it knowing what we could find out about it all.
      There are 15 positions total, including the two punishment positions, and then having to learn the rules too. Most of the rules are common sense but there are a few new ones that i have to get to know. He also has a new toy that He has tried out a couple times on my butt and let's just say it stings something horrible! It is one of those wooden dowels that you can buy at the craft store and it is smaller which provides a huge sting! Not my best friend by any means, although i don't like getting spanked at all whether its with Master's hand or the stupid cane.
     So last night was an amazing night with Master. The start of it began with me pushing Master (not on purpose i might add) and pushing His hands away from me. He was trying to play with me and let's just say i was a little sensitive down there. For some reason its always been more sensitive since i met Master. He has definitely learned how to play it like a fiddle. He grabbed me and within minutes had me blindfolded and going through a couple of the positions that i was supposed to know. It was hard and i honestly didn't react as fast as i should have, but it will take some time i think. It is hard to reprogram myself to the new slave mode instead of submissive mode. It was the first time that He has had me go through a few of the positions and i got myself into even more trouble. He had me go into one position and as He was playing me like a fiddle, He told me not to move and sad to say i haven't quite learned how to not move yet. It cost me ten strikes with the cane and i had to count every single one of them out for Master. It hurt a good bit, not as bad as those 200 strikes i had when we first got together, but i understand why He did it. His slave needed correction because i had messed up and it needed to be fixed so that i learn not to move when He says not to move.
     Then Master began to fuck His pussy as fast and as hard as He could, making it clear that it was about Him. It was all i could do to hold myself up on my arms, ensuring that i held the punishment standing position for Him until i was told that i could move or He moved me to a new position. He then moved me over to the bed and began to fuck His pussy again as hard as possible and pulling my hair. Oh man did it feel good and i knew that it was mostly for His satisfaction and not about myself at all. He then switched from fucking His pussy to fucking His ass and oh my has it been a little bit since i have felt that sensation. It hurt a little bit going in, but it definitely was such a good kind of hurt feeling by that point. It was an amazing feeling and i felt so good afterwords. The part that pleased me was that during this training Master kept telling me that i was doing good and how i was such a good lil one. It made me feel amazing!
     So needless to say, last night was an amazing feeling for me because it made me realize my place to say the least and that is me definitely feeling like a slave. It also allowed me to experience the cane in a different perspective. So who's to say where things go from here and what other kind of fun Master and i will be having. He definitely is taking me to new places that i have never been before.
      A part of me is wanting to ask Master to forgive me for earlier today when i got frustrated with Him over a mistake that i made with an online application. He had nothing to do with it and all i could see was how He and the baby had pushed me to where i had to leave and not get the things done that i wanted to get done. It was misplaced frustration and anger and it sucked horribly knowing that i had gotten mad at Him when He had done nothing wrong at all. He was just trying to ensure that we all got fed and that the baby was taken care of and all i could see was that i couldn't get into an application anymore to apply for a job that i was thinking would help us out if i could get it. But how do you ask a Master to forgive you other than by writing it or just coming out and saying it? He reads this and i feel bad that sometimes this journal is the only place that i have the courage to say/ask for things but i feel like i can truly say what id like in here and not be afraid of being judged for it. Master knows i love Him so much and there will be one day where i can come out and say what im thinking/feeling to Him. Should i get a punishment spanking? Lose a privilege? Or whatever He can come up with as a way to apologize to Him? Well to me, i can only hope that He will take this apology and decide what He thinks is best for me and if i need a punishment or not for how i reacted to Him. He is such an amazing Master and i feel so blessed to have Him in my life and taking care of me. For now, i am headed to take care of the nighttime routine before the two of us head to bed and i study my slave book for the night. Either way i know that tonight will be another night of learning because Master has promised that we would start training at night and things have died back down for us. So who knows what adventure i will have tonight! :D

Friday, July 19, 2013

Nothing but sunshine or so it feels that way

     So far today i feel like i have been flying and just as happy as can be. Its weird because it has been a good while since i have felt like myself and been as happy as i am now. There are still things that i personally need to work on and im getting ready to start doing so. It is going to be a slow and steady going process for some things and others it will be an immediate change. Either way i am happy to finally be getting back to the real me and the lil one that Master knew and deserves to have. Hopefully He has seen this wonderful change in me as well.
      For almost a week now Master and i have made the decision to begin to eat healthier and have cut out a lot of the normal choices that we used to make. He has given up His notorious Mtn Dews and i have given up drinking the amount of dr.pepper and other cola's that i was before. So far i have only had a few drinks of them, but it has been like half a can or half a cup instead of the usual 4-5 a day that i was drinking. It has been a slow process and one that i know cant be done overnight. For me to just automatically give up any kind of caffeinated drink will give me massive headaches. Because of my  health history, Master and i are weary of depending on a medicine to treat these type of headaches so i am trying to do it on my own and wean myself off the cola drinks. In no way am i going to give up my sweet tea because as a southern girl that is a staple and must have. In the future it may be like i had to have before, i have to get a glass of water for every glass of sweet tea that i drink and i can have sweet tea in place of a cola.
       On top of a new diet and healthy lifestyle change, Master and i have discussed the new feelings that were found within me the night before. He feels the same as me and oddly enough had the same definition as me for what a slave was. He felt that He didn't want a doormat and i didn't want to be a doormat at the time we met so He felt that i was more submissive. He read the definitions that i had posted with the post and realized that what i said was true and that i have always been a slave. My personality and mood and just actions have always been more of a slave and not submissive despite me thinking the opposite. He has embraced these new feelings and vowed to come up with a new set of rules and for us to figure out how to go from where we are at now to adapt and change to these new feelings and emotions and desires and wishes. He soothed all my fears about how He would feel once He read the journal entry and He didn't think i was lying to Him or hiding anything from Him.
      It is hard for me to wait for these changes partially because ive always been impatient, but at the same time i don't want to act bratty and push Master. It is up to Him to come up with the new set of rules and guidelines for how things will go and whether or not He wants to have a daily or every other day to do task for me to keep me on my toes. There are ideas running in my head that i'd love to share for Him to chose whether or not He keeps it. He was asked about positions and if He would like them to be used and He said it was if i wanted them. A part of me does want them, but i want them to be Master's choice and not mine. They seem very appealing to me and i like the idea of when Master and i are together that they be used (of course yet again only if He wishes). When we first started talking one of the positions was used on me by Him. He had me sit in a modified form of the kneeling position (hands behind my back instead of on my knees) and it was used for punishment, although i know there is a difference between it being used for punishment and in everyday life. A part of me is throwing ideas around of maybe waiting in position for Him once we got into the bedroom or something, but i guess that is something that i will have to do more research into to see what i'd like to ask about incorporating into our lives. There is so much that im ready to soak up and learn and it gives me things to do over the next few days.
        So after having a wonderful day im going to just try to find some material to soak up and also take care of some more job applications while im taking a break. A part of me thinks that tomorrow and sunday will be full of nothing but researching and also filling out the rest of the job applications that i have. Plus im hoping that somehow we can come up with a way for Master to get to experience one of His fantasies. Lots more interesting conversations to be had.... :D

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Finally Acceptance...i've been waiting for you for a while!

    So last night after talking with a really good friend and feeling pretty off for the past few days, i was able to get clarity for the first time in what felt like ages. It was like that infamous light bulb went off in my head telling me that i was an idiot and my head had been trying to tell me what i could finally see for so long. It is crazy how much things change when life throws you curve balls like it did Master and myself. We had the curveball of a major health issue and then both of us became parents and things shifted yet again to include these new priorities. It's funny how you always rearrange things to adapt to whatever comes up and i realize now that in my head this is why i struggled so badly with getting sick and gaining weight and then having to focus on someone else other than Master (although He understands that a child's needs will always come first no matter what because He is definitely not selfish like that---and that's not saying any Master/Dom who demands their needs come over a child is selfish that's just how we feel about it). My moment of clarity has made me realize that i have FINALLY figured out who i am and why i have had so many issues over the past few months/year with myself and the emotional roller coaster as well. What comes from this epiphany last night is a new realization of just who i am. A part of me is afraid of putting this out there and at the same time i think it finally makes sense as to why i'd like things to be the way they are. The only hope i have is that Master doesn't hate me after this and think i tricked Him or that i am no longer who He wants. This is who i have been the whole time, it has just taken me a little over three years to realize my true belonging.
      So this really good friend and a reading from a bdsm site helped me to realize that how i was identifying myself before was half right. There were so many misconceptions that my brain  had conjured up about what a slave and submissive was that i had put blinders on myself so that i couldn't see what was clearly in front of me. Maybe it was the blinders or i was so new and naïve to the scene that i was one of those who just jumped right in to labeling myself without really doing my research as to the difference between a submissive and a slave. After rereading this article, it is weird how reading it again a few years later has offered me more clarity than i ever had when i first got into the lifestyle. This light bulb just seems to burn even brighter the further i delved into this article and soaked it up. It talked about the subtle differences between a slave and a submissive and in my mind what i knew a slave and submissive to be were changed. When Master and i first started talking i had already decided that i was a submissive because to me a slave had no voice at all. Talking with a friend last night, i realized this was completely wrong and i feel so bad for having this misconception and i am not going to blame it on being naïve because i should have known better to do research into it before jumping to a conclusion. But regardless, i have corrected it and i know for the future that before jumping into anything i will research before choosing one way or another. Back then to me a slave had no voice and a submissive was able to voice their opinion but had to do it in a respectful manner. In my head i wanted a relationship with my potential Master/Dom to be one where they had the control but i was able to voice my opinion on issues and still be myself without being this doormat as i saw a slave (which is yet another thing i apologize to anyone that gets offended by this opinion i had because it was from me not doing my research and just going off what i thought i knew). Something in my head said that i was part submissive and part slave because i liked what was in both of them and i even told Master so when we first started talking and had started incorporating the lifestyle into our everyday talks. He laughed it off and agreed that i was submissive.
    
  Last night i was rereading and researching some more about the lifestyle as part of being bored and just having an itch to read about various things in the lifestyle. Part of me was trying to look up different positions because those intrigue me and part of me wanted some more basic information. The page popped up that i was reading on and after clicking on the article about submissives vs slaves was more out of curiosity as to what it would say about me and being a submissive. Reading through i realized that i had miscategorized myself as a submissive and that i am truly a slave both in personality and actions. It shed light as to why i reacted the way i did to certain events and why i wanted more when it seemed like Master was giving me everything that He felt a submissive deserved. After the last time Master played with me and treated me like a slave (at least in my opinion that's how i felt with being led around by my hair and being placed into different positions for Him), it seemed to cement these feelings and finally knowing this was who i am and who im meant to be.
         Reading the page about slaves and submissives, there were a few parts that stuck out. At the end of this, i will link to their site and any quotes come from their page and are not my work at all. There is no claim to ownership from me for what follows this little paragraph. Just wanted to put that disclaimer out there.
          "Slaves often feel that a slave should not need to be micromanaged by their dominant because this is not pleasing, unless of course the dominant likes micro manage." This part stuck out so much to me because to me it has been hard with everything going on and i feel like everytime i ask Master to give me a little bit more i am asking Him to get closer and closer to micromanaging me and i know that is not something He wishes for, or at least i don't think it is. He is an amazing Master and i don't ever want Him to feel like i have to be micromanager.
          "Slaves expect their relationship to be difficult at times and their submission to not be easy all the time." This rings bells in my head because there have been times where it has not been the easiest thing for me to submit and Master and i have hit bumps in the road with our relationship. Things had come to a fork in the road and having a baby in the house we were trying to figure out how to cut out time for ourselves while also making sure that our child's needs were met as well. It was a struggle, but we made it through by communicating with each other and using this blog and talking when things got rough. It was harder on me because there were times where i admitted shut down, but this explains why. It was so hard for me to submit to Him at times because i just felt like i wasn't being the person that He deserved and i wanted to get back to doing that and just didn't know how to do that.
           "They expect to be asked or ordered to do things they may not necessarily enjoy because the focus is not on their enjoyment or pleasure, but on that of their dominant. They expect to be treated as a slave and not pampered or cajoled to. They expect to be pushed to their current limits and have those limits pushed to expand. They expect to meet their dominants needs at all times and to not have their dominant accept any manipulation or disobedience. They expect to be used to the full extent of their current abilities and even trained (or taught through schooling etc.) to broaden their abilities to meet their dominant's needs. " Yet another true set of words could not have been said about a slave and who i feel that i am. There were times where i felt myself trying to take care of Master and trying to do things for Him. There were numerous times where i felt like it was hard for me to do because i wasn't in the mood or some other reason, but He made me change my attitude real quick and realize that it was for His pleasure and not my own. Now by giving Him pleasure, He is able to choose whether or not to allow me pleasure too. In the past i thought that it was okay for me to whine and complain about something and hope that He would change His mind, but recent events have shown that will not happen. Between the two of us, i don't want Him to allow me to whine or pamper me unless He chooses to because it is about Him. He has also mentioned that i seem to be stuck in a shell because of how i grew up and has been trying to get me out of this shell for three years now. Before i always balked at it, but now i know that i need to embrace it. He has shown me many things that i like now that i never thought i would have before. Never in my life would i have thought that i'd be begging Him to fuck me with His cock or even just playing with toys or myself in front of Him. That was unheard of for me and He has pushed my boundaries. I crave that and NEED to have my boundaries pushed. He has so many things He wants to try and i am more than ready to find the time to start enjoying them and seeing how they go. To me it seems He has been holding back and trying to get me out of my comfort zone but not pushing it. Now i want to be pushed and forced to try these things because without Him pushing me like He has so far i wouldn't know that i love anal as much as i do. So this is one of the most poignant pieces for me.
           "They do not expect to be consulted on every decision, asked their opinion all the time, or similar things. This does not mean they expect to be ignored or treated as if they do not matter, they just do not expect this as a normal part of the relationship, though most say their thoughts opinions, feelings and such are demanded by their dominant and the dominant will often take them into consideration while making decisions." This is how i truly felt after talking with Master the first time. To me i wanted someone who would take my opinion if it was asked into consideration but was also able to make a decision even if i didn't like what was going to happen. He has always taken my feelings and opinions into consideration, but sometimes i have noticed that He will have His mind already made up and just wants to hear what i have to say. Either way i love that no matter what He will always have the final say.
             "They expect to be asked to do things they may not particularly like and they consider it as part of submission because to them, submission is not about pleasing the slave, but about pleasing the dominant. Most slaves will say that because of this it is imperative that the slave choose to submit to a dominant whose likes/dislikes are a close match of their own and thus they will not be asked or ordered to do something they are totally opposed to. But even then, the slave will expect that these limits may change over time and accept it should it occur."   This is a huge thing for me and Master knows there are many things that i have been not sure about when it comes to having my boundaries pushed. To me i like the idea of even though i don't like something still submitting to Master. It may not be clear at the time but He always has a reason for things and a reason for doing certain things. My limits have definitely changed since we first met, but at the same time i feel that i have no limits anymore just dislikes. Master has things that He will never do and i am comfortable with that. There are things that when we first started talking i had listed as hard limits and probably even a few soft limits, but now i don't think that i should have control over any of this. It is about Him and what He wants and if there is something that He wants to try that i named as a limit, then He is not getting the full pleasure that He wants. It is not up to me as to whether or not He gets the pleasure He deserves...it is up to Him and only Him. This is a part of pushing my boundaries and i welcome it with open arms.
             "Slaves often wish the Dominant to have control of even the most minor details of their lives, leaving no decisions of any weight upon the shoulders of the slave. Even if this is not a desire of the slave, they, simply by choosing slavery should not expect to have any power of decision making unless the Dominant grants it. Slaves do not expect, nor should they, to have the power to make any decision without the Dominant stating it is okay to do so." One of the most important pieces that i have come to realize is this part. Since we started talking and even after becoming a couple i realize that i have always done this. There have been things that i should have been fine with getting myself, but there has always been that point where i usually ask Master if it is okay before i buy it or do it. There have only been a few times where i haven't asked, but those were good reasons. It is something that i have always done and thought it was a part of being submissive, but to me it is a part of being a slave. No decision is mine to make. He is the Master, Head of Household, whatever you want to call Him. He makes the decisions not just for my health and safety but for the well being of the family as well. He sees things in the future that i may not be thinking of in the here and now when i ask to get something that we may need the money i used for it later for groceries and we're short because i bought something without asking. It has been hard for me to accept this because there have been times where i wanted to do something without asking, but He knows what i do and keeps track of me and this just makes me feel even more secure knowing that He is keeping the family where it should be.
            "Slaves tend to function well when receiving new orders on a daily basis regarding tasks and expectations, etc, even if these orders are the same every day, a continual reminder that they do not own their life, the Dominant does."  This has been the hardest part for me is keeping up with things and not having any kind of structure. Now this is no fault of Master's because our living situation has changed drastically in the past four to five months and we have just now started to figure things out. In the past i would get upset when there wasn't time for us to play and to me it felt that He didn't care if i got certain things done during the day or not. This section made me realize why i was getting upset was that i felt like i was missing the reminder in my life everyday that He owns me. With our lives i am not able to wear a collar everyday (although i did have an everyday collar that i could wear but the chain broke on it) like i would want to but it seems that i crave that feeling knowing that He is my Dominant and is in control of things. Yes there are times where He will play with me or give me a look, but its not the same as having a set of tasks to accomplish and knowing that if i don't that i could face a punishment or a reward for getting things done. Granted it may not have to be a daily list, but i think for me this is what i need so badly right now to have some structure and reminder of our lives and how He has control over me as i work to get better in other areas.
             "A slave also thrives under positive reinforcement, also strives to please in the same manner as a submissive, in addition they also seem to need punishment on a more severe and for 'less warranted' causes than a submissive. They need the reassurance that their Dominant is aware of their every move and that they are indeed owned. Slaves tend to expect punishment on a physical scale for minor infractions of minor rules, feeling lost if they are not punished. They tend to dwell on the perceived failure then will turn that into proof of the 'fact' their Dominant is not paying attention to them if punishment is not quickly dealt out and suitable to the 'crime'. Punishment assures them that the collar they accepted is controlled by a worthy Dominant. Often a slave will see punishment as an acceptable alternative to play, or even as being better than play, and differentiate punishment from play by the words their Dominant use during." Now the hard part of this paragraph is that i first want to say that in no way am i saying that Master doesn't pay attention to me at all and that He isn't a worthy Dominant for me. He is far more than worthy because there have been so many times that He could have cut and run and He hasn't and i am so grateful for that beyond what words could express. But back to this last paragraph about me. Since we have been trying to figure out the two of us after having a baby, this has been the thing that i felt has been truly missing. There would be a few times that i would get punished for something but it seemed that there wasn't enough time or Master was letting it slide because of something that was going on (whether it was seen or unseen by me at the time). He created a set of rules and most of the time i have followed them, but there have been times that i just didn't feel like doing anything and broke them (although i didn't do them purposefully and setting out to break a rule it just happened). There was no punishment for it and it just seemed that we were headed backwards down a road we had just come so far down almost to where we used to be. To me a punishment shows that He is there to guide me and show me what He wants and correct me if i mess up, which i know that i am bound to do. He definitely has different demeanors between a punishment and play and i only hope that He will like this idea as well.

       So this is a pretty long post, but it has been a long time coming. Today leaves me feeling more at peace in knowing who i am and just what i'd like. Now the key is to talk to Master about all this and see how He feels. To me, i know that He will always accept me for who i am but can He accept this new philosophy and set of ideas and we can go from here. It may not be much of a stretch, but at the same time i can only imagine that it is a big change for Him. This is probably going to shock Him, but there is another shocker that im fixing to add to this post a little further down.


        The last part of this blog post is a new shocker for Master because He doesn't know about this. The same friend that i was talking with last night has offered something to me and Master. The ultimate decision is up to Him, but its nice knowing that something He has dreamed about since He was probably old enough to realize what sex was and have fantasies. Master and i have talked about my curiosity as to what being with a girl and what a three-some with Him would be like. There is a friend that we had talked in the past about Him protecting and helping keep her in line until she could find a new man in her life. Well she has become like a sister to me and in talking about myself last night and how i had this major revelation about me being a slave and not a submissive, the conversation turned to this topic and i asked her if she had ever done anything with a girl/woman before to seek her advice. It turns out that she had done a good bit with one before and i asked her a few questions about it. Then i told her how i was nervous about who it was going to be with and how i would prefer it to be with someone i trust and i told her how Master and i both trusted her and that we had talked about her playing if she wanted to before she had met the guy she was talking to. After that she mentioned that if i wanted to try something i just had to let her know, which led us to delve deeper into what she meant with that comment. To me reading that was crazy. It was exciting because i would have someone i trust to try this with and someone that had experience and could help guide me, but also someone that we knew was clean and was a sane person and trusted. Master and i had talked before and i knew that if i was to try this i would prefer to have the woman top me, but she would of course be submissive to Master because He will ALWAYS be the Dominant in any situation like that. She said that she doesn't normally top but for me if i would like her to that she could. Well after thinking everything through, i realize it is not up to me but up to Master. It is up to Him whether or not the three of us play together, it is up to Him who plays what role, and to me i am comfortable in knowing all of that. It is definitely going to be a shocker for Him to read this and find out and im definitely curious to see what He thinks about this and if He is okay to play. In my mind i am a giddy school girl and ready to try something new. It is also a hope that He says it is okay to play and that one weekend we can play together, but it will just depend on what is going on. There is always a way around things and i look forward to figuring these things out and whether we go visit her at some point or she comes to visit us :) Just keeping my fingers crossed, but also preparing myself in case Master says no.

link to site that i was reading on and that i was able to get clarification from: http://www.leathernroses.com/submission/subvsslave.htm
http://www.leathernroses.com/submission/moonfyrebeautyofsub.htm

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

What the H#!$ is Going on with me?

    Today just seems to be one of those days that has left me reeling and just wishing that i could just curl back up in my own bed and go back to sleep until it is a new day. It has just been one thing after another and it has left me feeling highly overwhelmed and wholly unsubmissive in my feelings.
    Master and i are getting ready to start a new workout plan together. It has been a long time since i have used it and Master would like to lose some weight and i still need to lose the rest of the weight i gained when i first got sick. Needless to say im excited. The bad part is that we were supposed to start yesterday and it got put off because both of our backs were a little sore from the vacation we had just gotten back from. It was nice and relaxing vacation, but apparently we cant sleep comfortably on any bed but our own without coming back and having some sort of back issues. Then tonight it got pushed back because we didn't have the groceries to start it and He decided to push it back to tomorrow so that i could get the food that is going along with this workout plan. With the new rules, i am supposed to have the shopping list to Him the day before i go grocery shopping and i failed on that task today. Even though it was decided this morning about the meal plan, i still played around and spent too much time on the computer when i could have been planning the meals and getting a grocery list together. A part of me felt rushed to get it done, but i wanted it to be perfect so that this new workout plan with the meal plan will help get the results that both of us want to achieve.
     Lately it seems that there is so much responsibility on me at times that i feel like i just shut down and try to do nothing because i feel like im being the responsible one all the time. Now that sounds all wrong to me because in my head i know that i am not the only responsible one, but that is how i feel when im putting in all these job applications and trying to find a place to work and everything. It is not true though and i understand that. It is just a matter of getting my head and body to understand that this is a mutual agreement between Master and myself. It is easier to use my skill sets that i already have and the two of us are already planning on Master working to get some schooling done for His credentials back. It is just hard thinking that everything is on you and that the weight of this is a lot for me to deal with sometimes. He has ALWAYS told me that He is here for me and i believe it. Sometimes it is just hard for me to let Him know just how much i feel a burden like this is weighing on me. It makes me feel like a horrible sub that im thinking that i have to take on everything even though i know that He is right there with me too. He has a plan in motion and i may not know all the details, but i trust Him.
      On top of feeling like there is a mounting of responsibility, i feel guilty because we are staying with family and i haven't been able to find a job yet although it isn't for lack of trying. I have put in at least 30 applications to different places and heard back from maybe four. The hopeful thing is that i have heard back from one and i will be going into the next step here in the next month. It's just hard to think happy about this though because last time i made it to the second step only to be cut down because of something in my past. It is getting to the point of where im not too sure of where else i can apply to. If these places are turning me down because of a past event, who is to say these other jobs wont do the same thing. My mind is just crushed and preparing for the worst while not even hoping for the best at this point. A job is a necessity at this point because of having to care of ourselves. Granted, we could live off some money that ill be getting soon for about a month and a half, it still doesn't last long enough to pay the bills and for us to still have money for groceries. It's a harder situation though because we have a child and one of us is needing to stay home with her. The only job possibilities i have found are where i could be a nanny/babysitter and make $2-300 a week but that still leaves us a little short of being able to pay for bills at all. We could pay the bills, but we couldn't rent a place and would have to continue to live with family. This is not the ideal situation for us since more of Master's family will be moving up here and this living situation will get crowded at that point. It just adds pressure of finding a job so that we can get out of here and back on our own again.
     My head is just so crowded by all these thoughts that it makes hard to be the submissive that Master desires and deserves. It has honestly left me wondering if i really am a good submissive to Him. Do i really give Him everything He wants? How can He feel that i am being a good submissive when most of the time im hurting from whatever issue is going on abdominally and with my back acting up thanks to whatever is going on there (no set concrete diagnosis, just theories right now). When we got together, i was completely different than what i am now. Master collared and married a submissive who was physically fit and in shape, the right size for my height, didn't have any kind of health problems and now im overweight and definitely not in shape, way off my correct weight range for my height (im considered obese my drs standards), and have all kinds of health issues that affect me serving Him. He has had to cater to me and some of my health issues and it hurts when that happens because i know He would love to fuck me whenever He wants, but He has to pay attention to my moods and feelings and if im hurting or not. Now if its just a feeling of i don't want to right now, those are tossed aside, but hurting its not and He is so amazing. It has left me feeling like im not worth being His submissive because half the time i cant even give Him the basic needs of being able to use His submissive's body for His pleasure or get tasks done that most submissives can do with no problems at all. It hurts me to think about how much He has missed out over the past years because of what has been going on with me.
      On top of all this, my family has uncovered some things that have been going on that left me deeply hurting and just wondering about them anymore. Its like they put on a face for other people around them, but when its just us they act a different way. It's like i have been saying about my parents and nobody would believe me, but if the family knew how they were acting now and how a few others in the family were acting they would be appalled. Almost a year ago was when i lost a grandparent and it has been hard on me because of how it happened. Well this grandparents was divorced and their partner had gotten remarried and was living with their new partner since i could ever remember,. Well my parents and extended family on their side have been going to this grandparent and telling them that when they die, they want a specific item (some of them being antique weapon systems like a pearl handle colt 45 or plates with historical paintings on them). This grandparent feels that they don't have kids anymore and to be honest it hurts me and im the grandkid. How can someone be so cruel to someone who is still living and say that they are going to take things or want certain things after they die. A part of me wonders if it hurts so much because this grandparent is more like a parent to me because i was shipped off every year to visit with them as if i was a burden while i was out of school. Master was shocked when i was given my tacklebox to take home as a memory of all the fishing trips we took and my fishing pole. Inside the tackle box was a bunch of lures, hooks, line, and various other things that Master knows better than me. To my family this would have been worthless, but to me it reminds me of the summer that my grandparents took me and my siblings fishing and laughing at one of them who didn't want to bait their hook and all the fish we caught. They could have given me nothing for all that mattered, but it was harder for them to give me this knowing how the rest of my family has been acting. They are all hoping to get various things and i told them all i care about is the memories. Master and i want to do with our children what my grandparents did with me and show them all the love like i was shown growing up.
         On a good note....Master and i had a great session the other morning. He ended up teasing me and then blindfolded me. We have a Velcro spreader bar that He bought a while ago and He brought that out and put me in a pair of heels and underware that He liked. Then i got a few spankings and He played with my nipples before i was asked if that was what i wanted. The selfish part of me was in my head going yes, but my mouth popped out with the answer of "if it is what You want, Yes Sir." It is always hard for me to stand in the same spot while receiving a spanking and after a few hits with the hairbrush, i hit the floor. This didn't stop Master because i was still wide open and He put a few well placed hits on my cheeks and pussy/clit area. It was crazy the way it felt. He continued to merge the feelings of pleasure and pain and then i was grabbed by the hair and walked on all fours around the side of the bed and put into position to suck Master's cock as He desired. It was the weirdest feeling ever crawling on all fours like that with Him holding my hair, but in a way it also felt really good and i liked it because i could feel His control by how He led me and guided me. It was this moment that i was His to do with as He wanted and i was at His mercy. He had played with me and let me cum at least once that i remember (may have been just once) before putting me on my knees to suck and lick His cock. It was the first time that i was able to fully deep throat Him after a gag reflex was triggered and it was the weirdest, but most amazing feeling to feel Him hit the back of my throat and then go down a little bit. A part of me wonders if He noticed the difference because i never did get to ask Him that day. Whatever happened to lead up to that point, i have never been able to deep throat Master quite like that. It was just an amazing session and although He never fucked His pussy, i still felt very satisfied.
      That night we were supposed to have sex, but Master didn't want to hurt me further. It makes me sad when that happens because i know when He plans on having sex, but doesn't get to He ends up having to pleasure Himself which makes me feel like even less of a submissive. A part of me wonders if i need that everyday and maybe once we are alone at night after working out and when relaxing, if maybe i have to get into a position and wait to see what Master wants to do next. Maybe a dress code, such as one of His tshirts and a certain pair of underwear or something along those lines. This may be a bit much, especially since i identified as a submissive to Him but i also did explain that i have slave tendencies too. Its just hard because i don't want Master to feel like He has to micromanage me, but i guess its up to Him to figure things out after He reads this and sees how i have been feeling.
         The last part of this i just want to thank You Master for being there with me every step of the way. You have stuck with me despite my constantly changing moods, constantly present health issues (although hopefully that will change with our new diet plan and workout routine). You are amazing and don't complain, especially when i ask You to rub my back every night to help me get to sleep because it is hurting from whatever went on during the day and it makes it feel better. Your hands and rubbing of my back really do help make it feel better and ease the pain better than any medication that they have given me (if only it worked on the headaches and abdominal pain we would be golden lol). Please forgive me for not being that submissive lil one that You first met and fell in love with. Right now i am making a promise to You that i will do my best to get back to a healthy me in a healthy way and not because i think im fat or look ugly. This is for You and to get You back the lil one that seems to have been lost in the shuffle of life. Just know i love You always and forever and want to always be the lil one of Your dreams.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Workout plans and emotions galore!

     So today im super excited because i just got my workout system back from the person that i let borrow it. I had ordered it while i was in college before i had met Master because i knew that it worked, but i never kept up with it past the third or fourth day because it just made me so tired. Now that i have it back and im in desperate need of losing weight, i will be starting it. The good thing is that Master has said that He will more than likely do it with me. It will be interesting to see who can lose more weight, me or Him. Hmmm...sounds like a way to make it interesting and fun maybe to have a bet going as to who loses the most weight and who can lose the most inches around their waist maybe? Anyways, i know that this program is going to push my butt and get me back into shape so im really looking forward to this kick in the pants that i really need. Plus im hoping that by the time that these places im putting in applications for call that i will have lost some weight and be in shape for it (not that im not now, but im not in the best shape that i could be in for the job).
     Speaking of jobs, Master and i have thrown around the topic of Him joining the military. It is a very real possibility because right now things are looking pretty dim for me as far as possibilities and this is all because of some stupid punishment that i received. It's almost like they are saying that i shouldnt be punished and have the appearance of an angel/clean slate or that they misinterpret what my punishment was based on the words they see on the paper. Im hoping that with these next few applications getting ready to go out that i explained things better. Either way, all i got was a verbal and written reprimand and reduced by one pay grade. It's not like people have made mistakes before and it seems people outside of the military are wanting to make me pay for it over and over again. On top of the mistake, they hear about it but the fact that i got out honorably and they  instantly wonder how that is possible. I guess maybe people watch too much JAG or NCIS to have an idea of what my punishment was and think it automatically means that i was punished in a court of law. Ugh sorry, this is ranting im sure but it is still irritating and disheartening to know that because my supervisor was an idiot and wrote me up for something that i had no control over (sleeping on the job due to prescription medication that they knew about and i shouldnt have even been out working that job according to the guidelines that the doctor had set) and then decided to punish me merely because if i wasnt punished then it would look like they were showing favoritism. There is just so much that is highly frustrating and i hate being hindered because of this and now it is at a point of should i tell them or just leave it out and hope that they dont find out about it. But then i run into the fact that if i have to take a polygraph test they can tell by my answer that i did receive disciplinary action. So ugh, im between a rock and a hard place and praying that something comes through. Either way Master may end up joining the military. Selfish me doesnt want Him to because i want Him home, but at the same time i know that the benefits are none other. There is nothing that can compare to it. Plus we want to have another child and with my history we HAVE to have medical coverage. There is no way around that one. Its just hard because i feel like im trying to do my best so that He can stay here, but at the same time i want Him to look into it as a viable option because until the day He goes to be processed and signs that contract, He can always back out and say that He changed His mind and found a better option. Its just hard trying to figure out the right thing to do for us and what we should do. I know that Master has probably run a lot through His head, but things have been so busy lately that we havent had much time to talk about it and these past few days i have been short of locking myself in our room to get some applications done. So who knows, i think i will try to talk to Him about our situation and see what He thinks the future is like for us right now.
     In other news, my baby fever is kicking into high gear and find myself trying not to go crazy. Master and i both made the responsible decision not to try and bring another life into this world right now, especially with the job situation like we mentioned above. Its just trying to get our ducks in a row and plus we have to make sure that we have insurance. Which we do have transitional insurance until November, but then it stops. So we are already looking at insurance and im thinking of getting it through school. Because of my degree, i would already have to pay for the insurance anyways and it covers maternity care and everything. So a part of me is thinking about getting it to ensure that we are covered because at this point im so desperate with need and craving another baby. It's not because our baby is growing up, but to me it is the best gift that i can give Master is to bear His children. His children are amazingly beautiful and just a gift of love for me. Even with the complications we had last time, i know that He loves them and it shows Him that i love Him so much by being willing to carry His child. The part that kills me is that right now i SHOULD be pregnant, but im not.  Funny i know because i know that God had a plan, but it still hurts just the same to know that i was pregnant, but everyone around me (minus Master) was telling me that i wasnt. When i knew that i was over a month late for my period and we had been trying and i had been having the symptoms, i went to the Ob office. The doctor there immediately after the first visit suggested it was just an absence of my period and that he didnt really think i could be pregnant. He pushed for me to take a pill that would jumpstart my period. I refused because in my head and heart i knew that i was pregnant with froggy. Froggy was already fertilized and i knew the signs were there the same as i had with Master and i's first child. But this Ob was adamant i wasnt. He did a blood test and i came in a week later for the results and i was told that it was negative that i wasnt pregnant. Still not convinced and i was still experiencing the symptoms, i requested an ultrasound. A part of me thinks that the ultrasound is what made me miscarry froggy because at one point she was pushing a little hard to try and see things (or maybe i was just imagining it). Either way i was told that there wasnt anything there, but that it wasnt uncommon to not see anything and that it could just be too early. Well with our first child, they didnt show up until i was two months pregnant (by their calculations from the last period date, but by conception it was a month and a half pregnant). So i knew in my heart that i was pregnant. They told me i wasnt and the ob said there wasnt anything he could do and that he really strongly believe that it was just a case of me not having a period due to coming off birth control. I had been off the birth control for 6 weeks and everything had remained normal after coming off.
    So the kicker to the story about the whole being pregnant thing is that i recently requested a copy of my records from the Ob office since Master and i have moved away and i need them for when we get pregnant again wherever we will be living. The results showed that they tested them in a lab and that they had found a small amount of HcG in my system. Now it wasnt enough for them to prove positive for the test, but after telling them that i didnt show up initially with the right HcG levels for my first they should have taken this as a sign that i was pregnant instead of telling me that i wasnt. Their borders for saying it was a positive test was 5 and my levels were at 3.66. Now i know that there are rare times a body can produce HcG, but i know that when i am not pregnant my levels are below 1. So please tell me how i can not be pregnant, but have a level of almost 4 HcG in my system!!! It left me devastated and furious that everybody was telling me that i was crazy but here the results were saying that i was right and that my body was telling me the right thing in that i was pregnant. Seeing other people with babies now just makes me want one and miss froggy. It makes me wonder what froggy would have been like and how the pregnancy would have played out. It just sucks because Master and i both want one and thanks to me we cant have one right now. If things hadnt happened to me i would still have a job and we would both be able to enjoy the process of me being pregnant again.


     So enough of the woe is me with the pregnancy wants and desires. Lately Master and i have been having a lot of very great sex. It has been both amazing and breath taking to say the least. Not that the encounters before havent been with us, but these have been even better. It seems that He knows just how to hit the right spot. He has hit further and further every night. The feeling is an amazing feeling between pleasure and just a little bit of pain from the unexpected hit deep inside His pussy. I dont know if He has been doing anything different or if it is just me and that my body loves having His cock in it or what but it feels amazing. Then He adds in the little bit of Him dominating me by just pounding into His pussy and then forcing me to clean Him off and everything. It is just an amazing feeling to know just how loved i am by the way He dominates me. Last night i found myself putting myself into another position for Him. It is hard for me to just do things, so it takes me a little bit to build up to it and last night was no different. It was a clear war going on in my head with one half of me saying go ahead and do it (more than likely the dirty little slutty side of me) and then the other half was saying no dont do it because its wrong and not what you should do (the sheltered person inside of me). It was hard because i was brought up to believe one way and it is hard to be comfortable in my body. Now, i am slowly trying to get out of that mindset and get comfortable with getting naked for Master and giving myself to Him. Last night it took me a few minutes to get things ready and a few more minutes to convince my mind that i could do it and that He would not laugh at me. He came out and instantly began to play with His toy. Thats what my body was to Him last night, His toy to use and abuse and play with as He pleased. He teased me and toyed with me and fucked me and fingered me and just pushed my His body to ends that i had no idea that it could go to. There were ties left out for Him and He used them to put me in a loose hogtie of some sorts (or so it felt that way). Then i was blindfolded and for the rest of the night i found myself wondering what was going to happen next. He used clothespins on my  His nipples and tried on my His pussy lips. Oh my word did the ones on the pussy lips hurt! He left them on for maybe a second but to me it seemed like an eternity. It may be a little while before i can get my His body to where it can take clothespins down there, but i know one day it will be able to handle it. He also used a vibrator and ice on His pussy and nipples. Oh my gosh it was crazy feeling and today my His nipples have been a little sensitive from the play that they received last night. It was so amazing last night that Master had me begging Him to play with His slut and to fuck His slut with His cock. Now this is a big step for me because it is hard for me to say the word cock because i was raised to believe it was a dirty word. Not to mention that added benefit is that He makes me sleep like a baby because He wears my body out. He knows how to push my buttons while giving my body the best workout ever! 
 So with my new found knowledge that i like the idea of being put into a position or putting myself into position myself for Him, i plan on asking as that being part of things....starting in some sort of position or that i have to come up with some way to present myself to Him at a certain time every night (unless something happens and i tell Him when we first come into bed that night). That it helps get me into the mindset. Now, i know that it is more of a thing for slaves but it really does help me. It is helping me to break the barrier of getting into the mindset of Master loves my body the way it is and has seen it at its best and worst. He loves me for who i am and i need to remember that. This will help me remember my position while also creating an amazing view for Master because He may never know how i will dress or present myself for the night for Him. There are so many different things i could do and who knows He may invent a few too. Wish me luck because i already have an idea in my head for tonight, just not sure which one id like to do. :) Heres to embracing a new side of me that may be a little late in coming out, but my belief is better late than never right? :D

***none of the pictures used are mine but were found using google***