Thursday, July 18, 2013

Finally Acceptance...i've been waiting for you for a while!

    So last night after talking with a really good friend and feeling pretty off for the past few days, i was able to get clarity for the first time in what felt like ages. It was like that infamous light bulb went off in my head telling me that i was an idiot and my head had been trying to tell me what i could finally see for so long. It is crazy how much things change when life throws you curve balls like it did Master and myself. We had the curveball of a major health issue and then both of us became parents and things shifted yet again to include these new priorities. It's funny how you always rearrange things to adapt to whatever comes up and i realize now that in my head this is why i struggled so badly with getting sick and gaining weight and then having to focus on someone else other than Master (although He understands that a child's needs will always come first no matter what because He is definitely not selfish like that---and that's not saying any Master/Dom who demands their needs come over a child is selfish that's just how we feel about it). My moment of clarity has made me realize that i have FINALLY figured out who i am and why i have had so many issues over the past few months/year with myself and the emotional roller coaster as well. What comes from this epiphany last night is a new realization of just who i am. A part of me is afraid of putting this out there and at the same time i think it finally makes sense as to why i'd like things to be the way they are. The only hope i have is that Master doesn't hate me after this and think i tricked Him or that i am no longer who He wants. This is who i have been the whole time, it has just taken me a little over three years to realize my true belonging.
      So this really good friend and a reading from a bdsm site helped me to realize that how i was identifying myself before was half right. There were so many misconceptions that my brain  had conjured up about what a slave and submissive was that i had put blinders on myself so that i couldn't see what was clearly in front of me. Maybe it was the blinders or i was so new and naïve to the scene that i was one of those who just jumped right in to labeling myself without really doing my research as to the difference between a submissive and a slave. After rereading this article, it is weird how reading it again a few years later has offered me more clarity than i ever had when i first got into the lifestyle. This light bulb just seems to burn even brighter the further i delved into this article and soaked it up. It talked about the subtle differences between a slave and a submissive and in my mind what i knew a slave and submissive to be were changed. When Master and i first started talking i had already decided that i was a submissive because to me a slave had no voice at all. Talking with a friend last night, i realized this was completely wrong and i feel so bad for having this misconception and i am not going to blame it on being naïve because i should have known better to do research into it before jumping to a conclusion. But regardless, i have corrected it and i know for the future that before jumping into anything i will research before choosing one way or another. Back then to me a slave had no voice and a submissive was able to voice their opinion but had to do it in a respectful manner. In my head i wanted a relationship with my potential Master/Dom to be one where they had the control but i was able to voice my opinion on issues and still be myself without being this doormat as i saw a slave (which is yet another thing i apologize to anyone that gets offended by this opinion i had because it was from me not doing my research and just going off what i thought i knew). Something in my head said that i was part submissive and part slave because i liked what was in both of them and i even told Master so when we first started talking and had started incorporating the lifestyle into our everyday talks. He laughed it off and agreed that i was submissive.
  Last night i was rereading and researching some more about the lifestyle as part of being bored and just having an itch to read about various things in the lifestyle. Part of me was trying to look up different positions because those intrigue me and part of me wanted some more basic information. The page popped up that i was reading on and after clicking on the article about submissives vs slaves was more out of curiosity as to what it would say about me and being a submissive. Reading through i realized that i had miscategorized myself as a submissive and that i am truly a slave both in personality and actions. It shed light as to why i reacted the way i did to certain events and why i wanted more when it seemed like Master was giving me everything that He felt a submissive deserved. After the last time Master played with me and treated me like a slave (at least in my opinion that's how i felt with being led around by my hair and being placed into different positions for Him), it seemed to cement these feelings and finally knowing this was who i am and who im meant to be.
         Reading the page about slaves and submissives, there were a few parts that stuck out. At the end of this, i will link to their site and any quotes come from their page and are not my work at all. There is no claim to ownership from me for what follows this little paragraph. Just wanted to put that disclaimer out there.
          "Slaves often feel that a slave should not need to be micromanaged by their dominant because this is not pleasing, unless of course the dominant likes micro manage." This part stuck out so much to me because to me it has been hard with everything going on and i feel like everytime i ask Master to give me a little bit more i am asking Him to get closer and closer to micromanaging me and i know that is not something He wishes for, or at least i don't think it is. He is an amazing Master and i don't ever want Him to feel like i have to be micromanager.
          "Slaves expect their relationship to be difficult at times and their submission to not be easy all the time." This rings bells in my head because there have been times where it has not been the easiest thing for me to submit and Master and i have hit bumps in the road with our relationship. Things had come to a fork in the road and having a baby in the house we were trying to figure out how to cut out time for ourselves while also making sure that our child's needs were met as well. It was a struggle, but we made it through by communicating with each other and using this blog and talking when things got rough. It was harder on me because there were times where i admitted shut down, but this explains why. It was so hard for me to submit to Him at times because i just felt like i wasn't being the person that He deserved and i wanted to get back to doing that and just didn't know how to do that.
           "They expect to be asked or ordered to do things they may not necessarily enjoy because the focus is not on their enjoyment or pleasure, but on that of their dominant. They expect to be treated as a slave and not pampered or cajoled to. They expect to be pushed to their current limits and have those limits pushed to expand. They expect to meet their dominants needs at all times and to not have their dominant accept any manipulation or disobedience. They expect to be used to the full extent of their current abilities and even trained (or taught through schooling etc.) to broaden their abilities to meet their dominant's needs. " Yet another true set of words could not have been said about a slave and who i feel that i am. There were times where i felt myself trying to take care of Master and trying to do things for Him. There were numerous times where i felt like it was hard for me to do because i wasn't in the mood or some other reason, but He made me change my attitude real quick and realize that it was for His pleasure and not my own. Now by giving Him pleasure, He is able to choose whether or not to allow me pleasure too. In the past i thought that it was okay for me to whine and complain about something and hope that He would change His mind, but recent events have shown that will not happen. Between the two of us, i don't want Him to allow me to whine or pamper me unless He chooses to because it is about Him. He has also mentioned that i seem to be stuck in a shell because of how i grew up and has been trying to get me out of this shell for three years now. Before i always balked at it, but now i know that i need to embrace it. He has shown me many things that i like now that i never thought i would have before. Never in my life would i have thought that i'd be begging Him to fuck me with His cock or even just playing with toys or myself in front of Him. That was unheard of for me and He has pushed my boundaries. I crave that and NEED to have my boundaries pushed. He has so many things He wants to try and i am more than ready to find the time to start enjoying them and seeing how they go. To me it seems He has been holding back and trying to get me out of my comfort zone but not pushing it. Now i want to be pushed and forced to try these things because without Him pushing me like He has so far i wouldn't know that i love anal as much as i do. So this is one of the most poignant pieces for me.
           "They do not expect to be consulted on every decision, asked their opinion all the time, or similar things. This does not mean they expect to be ignored or treated as if they do not matter, they just do not expect this as a normal part of the relationship, though most say their thoughts opinions, feelings and such are demanded by their dominant and the dominant will often take them into consideration while making decisions." This is how i truly felt after talking with Master the first time. To me i wanted someone who would take my opinion if it was asked into consideration but was also able to make a decision even if i didn't like what was going to happen. He has always taken my feelings and opinions into consideration, but sometimes i have noticed that He will have His mind already made up and just wants to hear what i have to say. Either way i love that no matter what He will always have the final say.
             "They expect to be asked to do things they may not particularly like and they consider it as part of submission because to them, submission is not about pleasing the slave, but about pleasing the dominant. Most slaves will say that because of this it is imperative that the slave choose to submit to a dominant whose likes/dislikes are a close match of their own and thus they will not be asked or ordered to do something they are totally opposed to. But even then, the slave will expect that these limits may change over time and accept it should it occur."   This is a huge thing for me and Master knows there are many things that i have been not sure about when it comes to having my boundaries pushed. To me i like the idea of even though i don't like something still submitting to Master. It may not be clear at the time but He always has a reason for things and a reason for doing certain things. My limits have definitely changed since we first met, but at the same time i feel that i have no limits anymore just dislikes. Master has things that He will never do and i am comfortable with that. There are things that when we first started talking i had listed as hard limits and probably even a few soft limits, but now i don't think that i should have control over any of this. It is about Him and what He wants and if there is something that He wants to try that i named as a limit, then He is not getting the full pleasure that He wants. It is not up to me as to whether or not He gets the pleasure He is up to Him and only Him. This is a part of pushing my boundaries and i welcome it with open arms.
             "Slaves often wish the Dominant to have control of even the most minor details of their lives, leaving no decisions of any weight upon the shoulders of the slave. Even if this is not a desire of the slave, they, simply by choosing slavery should not expect to have any power of decision making unless the Dominant grants it. Slaves do not expect, nor should they, to have the power to make any decision without the Dominant stating it is okay to do so." One of the most important pieces that i have come to realize is this part. Since we started talking and even after becoming a couple i realize that i have always done this. There have been things that i should have been fine with getting myself, but there has always been that point where i usually ask Master if it is okay before i buy it or do it. There have only been a few times where i haven't asked, but those were good reasons. It is something that i have always done and thought it was a part of being submissive, but to me it is a part of being a slave. No decision is mine to make. He is the Master, Head of Household, whatever you want to call Him. He makes the decisions not just for my health and safety but for the well being of the family as well. He sees things in the future that i may not be thinking of in the here and now when i ask to get something that we may need the money i used for it later for groceries and we're short because i bought something without asking. It has been hard for me to accept this because there have been times where i wanted to do something without asking, but He knows what i do and keeps track of me and this just makes me feel even more secure knowing that He is keeping the family where it should be.
            "Slaves tend to function well when receiving new orders on a daily basis regarding tasks and expectations, etc, even if these orders are the same every day, a continual reminder that they do not own their life, the Dominant does."  This has been the hardest part for me is keeping up with things and not having any kind of structure. Now this is no fault of Master's because our living situation has changed drastically in the past four to five months and we have just now started to figure things out. In the past i would get upset when there wasn't time for us to play and to me it felt that He didn't care if i got certain things done during the day or not. This section made me realize why i was getting upset was that i felt like i was missing the reminder in my life everyday that He owns me. With our lives i am not able to wear a collar everyday (although i did have an everyday collar that i could wear but the chain broke on it) like i would want to but it seems that i crave that feeling knowing that He is my Dominant and is in control of things. Yes there are times where He will play with me or give me a look, but its not the same as having a set of tasks to accomplish and knowing that if i don't that i could face a punishment or a reward for getting things done. Granted it may not have to be a daily list, but i think for me this is what i need so badly right now to have some structure and reminder of our lives and how He has control over me as i work to get better in other areas.
             "A slave also thrives under positive reinforcement, also strives to please in the same manner as a submissive, in addition they also seem to need punishment on a more severe and for 'less warranted' causes than a submissive. They need the reassurance that their Dominant is aware of their every move and that they are indeed owned. Slaves tend to expect punishment on a physical scale for minor infractions of minor rules, feeling lost if they are not punished. They tend to dwell on the perceived failure then will turn that into proof of the 'fact' their Dominant is not paying attention to them if punishment is not quickly dealt out and suitable to the 'crime'. Punishment assures them that the collar they accepted is controlled by a worthy Dominant. Often a slave will see punishment as an acceptable alternative to play, or even as being better than play, and differentiate punishment from play by the words their Dominant use during." Now the hard part of this paragraph is that i first want to say that in no way am i saying that Master doesn't pay attention to me at all and that He isn't a worthy Dominant for me. He is far more than worthy because there have been so many times that He could have cut and run and He hasn't and i am so grateful for that beyond what words could express. But back to this last paragraph about me. Since we have been trying to figure out the two of us after having a baby, this has been the thing that i felt has been truly missing. There would be a few times that i would get punished for something but it seemed that there wasn't enough time or Master was letting it slide because of something that was going on (whether it was seen or unseen by me at the time). He created a set of rules and most of the time i have followed them, but there have been times that i just didn't feel like doing anything and broke them (although i didn't do them purposefully and setting out to break a rule it just happened). There was no punishment for it and it just seemed that we were headed backwards down a road we had just come so far down almost to where we used to be. To me a punishment shows that He is there to guide me and show me what He wants and correct me if i mess up, which i know that i am bound to do. He definitely has different demeanors between a punishment and play and i only hope that He will like this idea as well.

       So this is a pretty long post, but it has been a long time coming. Today leaves me feeling more at peace in knowing who i am and just what i'd like. Now the key is to talk to Master about all this and see how He feels. To me, i know that He will always accept me for who i am but can He accept this new philosophy and set of ideas and we can go from here. It may not be much of a stretch, but at the same time i can only imagine that it is a big change for Him. This is probably going to shock Him, but there is another shocker that im fixing to add to this post a little further down.

        The last part of this blog post is a new shocker for Master because He doesn't know about this. The same friend that i was talking with last night has offered something to me and Master. The ultimate decision is up to Him, but its nice knowing that something He has dreamed about since He was probably old enough to realize what sex was and have fantasies. Master and i have talked about my curiosity as to what being with a girl and what a three-some with Him would be like. There is a friend that we had talked in the past about Him protecting and helping keep her in line until she could find a new man in her life. Well she has become like a sister to me and in talking about myself last night and how i had this major revelation about me being a slave and not a submissive, the conversation turned to this topic and i asked her if she had ever done anything with a girl/woman before to seek her advice. It turns out that she had done a good bit with one before and i asked her a few questions about it. Then i told her how i was nervous about who it was going to be with and how i would prefer it to be with someone i trust and i told her how Master and i both trusted her and that we had talked about her playing if she wanted to before she had met the guy she was talking to. After that she mentioned that if i wanted to try something i just had to let her know, which led us to delve deeper into what she meant with that comment. To me reading that was crazy. It was exciting because i would have someone i trust to try this with and someone that had experience and could help guide me, but also someone that we knew was clean and was a sane person and trusted. Master and i had talked before and i knew that if i was to try this i would prefer to have the woman top me, but she would of course be submissive to Master because He will ALWAYS be the Dominant in any situation like that. She said that she doesn't normally top but for me if i would like her to that she could. Well after thinking everything through, i realize it is not up to me but up to Master. It is up to Him whether or not the three of us play together, it is up to Him who plays what role, and to me i am comfortable in knowing all of that. It is definitely going to be a shocker for Him to read this and find out and im definitely curious to see what He thinks about this and if He is okay to play. In my mind i am a giddy school girl and ready to try something new. It is also a hope that He says it is okay to play and that one weekend we can play together, but it will just depend on what is going on. There is always a way around things and i look forward to figuring these things out and whether we go visit her at some point or she comes to visit us :) Just keeping my fingers crossed, but also preparing myself in case Master says no.

link to site that i was reading on and that i was able to get clarification from:

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