Wednesday, August 7, 2013

What is this im feeling?

   Oh wow my other half has decided to rear her ugly head again. Well more so just my ugly emotions but it has me wondering what in the hell is going on with me? Master and i can usually settle whatever is going on between the two of us, but right now that isn't the case and it has me writing trying to figure out why i feel the way im feeling right now.
    When i left for a job interview everything was just fine and peachy. Lately it seems that my emotions have gotten the best of me. Master and i are staying with family so im taking care of not just Him but our child and the other relative too. This relative is not knowledgeable on certain things and doesn't want to inconvenience us by eating our food, but we planned for ALL of us eating. Anyways, it has been hard having to adjust to living in someone else's house and not being able to do things the way that i want to be able to do them. Then there is the whole cleaning up after me (and that is one thing i hate is for people to clean up after me and not give me a chance to do it myself), doing things that i don't want to be done (and this relative is the type that i cant correct them because of the whole respect thing), and not to mention we don't really have our own privacy. Oh and if something happens with our dog we feel bad because it isnt our house that she is accidentally using the bathroom in. So add all that onto an already stressful situation and it is something bound to make anyone go nuts right?
     Then for some reason add into that the whole job situation. It has been so stressful trying to find a job and just getting back on our feet. Today i got news that i finally got a job and i was so happy that we would finally be able to celebrate! Well yeah i got told to think twice because Master is sick so neither one of us can go out to celebrate this big achievement. Don't get me wrong, i completely understand Master getting sick but it is very hard having to deal with something like this. It has left me feeling frustrated at the situation going on here.
      Hopefully i don't seem petty by what im writing, but then again that is why it is a journal for me and anybody reading it is just an added bonus, right? The whole situation is frustrating because of everything that has happened in the past. This is supposed to be a big achievement especially after i was getting turned down left and right for jobs that i should have easily gotten. To me, when i left to go to the interview Master seemed just fine and was capable enough of going out to grab some food. Well, when i told Him i got the job and asked if we could celebrate that was when He told me that He wasn't feeling good and had gotten dizzy while standing up a few minutes before. It shocked me and it left me feeling all kinds of emotions. It was hard trying to figure out how to deal with them.
       Master has always been the most amazing Master and husband for me and still is the best Master and husband to me. When im sick He lets me stay in bed and does everything for me, but it is hard when it is the other way around. He doesn't let me take care of Him and it is hard chasing after a child and taking care of a dog and just everything all at once. Believe me i can do it, but there are some days that i just struggle trying to take care of everything in this house and all four of us. So naturally i got frustrated because Master was sick and i wanted to celebrate, but its not at Him. My feelings are not directed at Him, but somehow they have come out that way.
      When i got home, i distanced myself because i was trying to put my emotions into check and He took it to mean that i was angry at Him and that i was upset with Him because He was sick. There was just no way to communicate this because how i was acting was completely different from what He knew. I had already communicated with a trusted friend, reaching out because i knew that these emotions weren't right and that i wasn't upset with Him so how could i fix it. But distancing myself to try and get these emotions in check was the worst thing for me to do. He took it as me being mad and it made things ten times worse. Now Master feels that im mad at Him about everything because i was just frustrated with everything going on and i don't know how to fix it.
       All i was doing was trying to protect Him and keep Him from thinking that i was upset with Him for being sick when He has no control over when He get sick. Instead i ended up doing worse damage and now i find myself looking for a way out of this situation. This whole thing has made me feel miserable because i screwed yet something else up. Something that was supposed to be a happy day is now overshadowed by my emotions because i couldn't get them in check before coming in the house. It is my fault for screwing up this amazing thing yet again. I can only hope that He will forgive me because i honestly never meant to hurt Him and was trying to figure out a way to fix myself so that i wouldn't come off upset at Him.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

What a day....

     So today has definitely been interesting day to say the least. This morning i woke up to Master getting ready to gather the stuff He needed for our child and go in the other room. The child was still asleep so i asked Him to come lay back in bed with me by patting the bed. It was crazy because it was like He read my mind because He was asking me what i wanted. Now part of me did want something, but the other part was perfectly content with cuddling in bed. It has been so long since Master and i have woken up in the same bed together, without one of us having to sprint off to get our child or take care of some need. It was nice to be able to just lay there with Him and snuggle together and enjoy laying in His arms. Although it was short lived, it was still enjoyable nonetheless. It made me feel like today was already starting off on the right foot.
     This morning i will admit that i did want something, but i didn't know how much time we had. Plus i haven't been able to ask Him for sex yet. It is up to Him when i get sex and im very afraid to just come right out and ask for it. He knew my needs but i couldn't tell Him that's what i wanted. Last nights dream was about Him playing with His property, which when i woke up made me want it but i couldn't ask Him. It is something that id like to work on, but this morning leaves me knowing that He reads my mind and knows my every thought and emotions.
     The past few months have been filled with disappointment over job searching. There have been a few that after seeing my resume asked me to come in for an interview but are then shocked because im willing to drive a distance to get there. Then somehow it ends up that they find someone else that is better qualified or seem skeptical that Master and i are willing to relocate for a job. It is not a crazy thought and Master and i really are trying to find a new place to settle down.
     So it has been a rough couple of months and these past few weeks have been even more stressful. There was an offer to start the process for joining a police department, but the first step is just beginning and i have to take a test and do numerous other things before i even get close to a job offer. Plus once that is done there is still the dilemma of having to go to the academy and all that. So that's another couple months until i can even begin to think about starting the process of earning a paycheck. Then there is another job as a dispatcher that i was offered to start the process by taking a test and then it would go from there. Then yesterday i had an interview and it is a job working in a warehouse and keeping track of orders and other things but the guy seemed hesitant to think that i could keep up. He mentioned that he would have to talk to the current assistant and then he would call me and let me know. So far i have heard nothing so i am assuming the worst about that job.
       Master laughed at me yesterday when i came home because i had gotten a job interview, but yet i got right back on the computer and began to apply for more jobs. This morning i was back at it again and He thought it was just crazy that i was applying for so many jobs despite the hope that i would get this job. There is just the thought that until i get a definite yes, i need to keep putting myself out there. Besides that, even if i get a job as like a fast food clerk or something like that i can do that job until i hear back from a police department (which is my ultimate goal to be honest until i finish school).
      He surprised me though with the most special thing to me. It has been so long since i have bought anything for myself, especially new clothes. It just makes me self conscious and i feel bad like im taking away from the family. When i went for the interview yesterday i was dressed up, but i don't have a shirt that there is no question about it business attire (not dress pants and a polo shirt). So Master chose to let me go to the store and pick out one or two shirts for my interviews and possible job (if i got an admin job id need it for my work attire). He saw the ones that i got and it made me feel amazing because after trying them on there were two that i really liked that went with the pants that i already had and could be worn with my jeans as well. Trying them on for Master when i got home, it made me feel so much more like an adult wearing them and that i wasn't dressing so much like a child anymore. It was the most amazing feeling ever and im so glad that He took me shopping and made me get them. (He had to order me to get both shirts because i was only going to get one of them).
      The other part that was surprising for me was the feeling as i was walking around with Him. When Master brought up the topic of going shopping to look for shirts, He told me that i would have to wear either a dress or skirt with no underware and paint my toes. They hadn't been painted in a while and i had been putting off doing them for one reason or another. So i chose to wear a skirt and i went without bra and underware. It was the most freeing feeling and both at the same time made me feel naughty. Knowing that only Master knew that i was naked under my skirt, made me feel so slutty and naughty. Then He played with His slave on the way home in the car and it took all the power in me to hold still when He told me to keep still and keep my legs spread for Him. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. This free feeling is something that i had forgotten since Master and i had first started talking and i came to visit Him for the first time. He had the rule then that i was to wear no underware (unless it was my time of the month) and only under certain circumstances could i wear it. Today made me realize that i was afraid of not wearing underware because of a past experience with my pants rubbing me raw. It is not going to happen this time and i think i may go around as often as i can for Master without underware. Knowing that only He will know that i will have nothing on under there is freeing to me and makes me feel more like His slave. Plus i know that it will make Him happy knowing that im one step closer to always being available for Him. That way if He decides He wants to have me in the middle of the day while our child is napping He can.
        Now im off to snuggle with Him and hopefully get some love and play and lesson time. It has been amazing being taught by Master and seeing how much change is happening in myself. Things that i would normally not have liked before have become a thing of interest. He has spanked me a few times while pleasuring me and it has created a weird mix of pain and pleasure, although i still hate being spanked as a punishment. Master has had me crawl on all fours and before that would have been something that i was against but now i find that if He wants me to do it, i will do it to make Him happy. He has left me wanting to do more things to make Him happy. There are so many toys that i cant wait to buy once we have money to make Him happy.
        (the last comment made me realize that i forgot to mention the one bonus of Master and i moving from where we are at now). The houses in the area that we are looking to move to are not too expensive for what we are looking to get and to top it off we may be able to either have a garage/basement area or a back shed that we can make off limits for just our area. That or have a nice big master bedroom area. Either way the possibilities are endless in what we can do and how much more we can expand. It is going to be so much fun trying to find a place like that because it is part of my dream when we get to find our first house to find something that can provide that while being discreet about it.