Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Odd how things just come to you isnt it?

So last night was an amazing night of Master and i just spending time together laying in bed. It's moments like that which make me extremely grateful for everything that we have and being able to lay next to Him every night. Before things were crazy and i often worked so much that for five nights out of the week i wasn't able to cuddle beside Him and i was asleep while He was awake. It just didn't make things very good for us and left little time for play, not including me being sick in between all of that. So naturally last night made me into a really happy lil one.
   Master is always great about rubbing my back as i go to sleep, which makes me feel loved and safe and helps ease my back to let me sleep since its usually slightly irritated from the day. Well last night i drifted off to sleep and before long Master appeared in my dreams. It's not often that this happens, but i think last night that my dream was trying to tell me something and i think i realized what it is. Master and i had a long talk after my last writing to discuss how i was feeling and just all the emotions that i let well up inside me until they burst and then it turns into long discussions with frustrations and tears and hurt and anger and then resolution. We have talked about how there are times where i want Him to take me and then there are times where i am just feeling like i want to cuddle. There is no way for Him to decipher either one and a part of me felt hurt because i couldn't figure out what to say about that. So we decided if it is a night that i only want to cuddle, i have to let Him know otherwise He will be fully prepared to take His lil one if He wants me. This made me happy because now i didn't feel like i was confusing Him and telling Him one thing but my body language was saying another.
    The talk also led to us discussing about my family and i realized that no matter how hard i try, i feel like im stuck in an endless cycle with them. Master made me realize that i am the typical abuse victim and that im staying with them because of some warped since of hope that they will change and because i love them. Granted its a lot more complicated because it is my parents who were the abusers, but it doesn't make it any better for me to continue to allow them to keep going with the abuse. It's weird how Master's family when told the news about the pre-diabetes and high cholesterol that they sat and talked with Him for a good while asking how I was doing. My family answered with the typical half paying attention "uh-huh" or "oh, okay" answers which meant that they didn't really care about it. It wasn't about them so it didn't matter. Its just hard and im still trying to figure out how to come to a place of acceptance where they are still in my lives, but im not allowing them to continue to be that negative source around me. Theres already been enough hurt and heartache in my life that i don't need anymore.
     So all this brings me to the dream that i had last night with Master in it that made me realize something about myself. In the dream there was a part that Master and i went to this place, i don't know where it was, and they knew Master there. The only reason i know this is because they had this thing where if it was your first time there you had to get naked and walk around. Master didn't have to do it because in this dream He had been there before with another girl. Well being the good sport that i am (at least in the dream i was a good sport) i got naked and was walking around. There was a joke though that whoever was new would get naked and then be surprised by getting hosed off by some cold water. It was weird because when it hit me in the dream it wasn't cold and somehow one of the people had a firehouse that was being sprayed at me. Then the rest of the time that we were there (which was a weekend) i was to spend my time naked. It was weird because in my dream i was totally accepting of this situation. In real life, this thought scares me because i am so self conscious of my body and especially my stomach. Right now i am still a little overweight and am working on losing the rest of my baby weight not to mention the stretch marks that are all over my stomach and arms. Those im not too ashamed about because it came from me doing what i had to for our daughter. But i digress back to the dream....it left me completely embracing being a slave and left me feeling free. There was no worry about what other people thought, it was only about Master's opinion and whether or not He approved. He was the one that i was owned by and His opinion was the only one that mattered when it came to things.   
  This leads me to realize that I need to be completely comfortable in my own skin and stop being negative about myself. Master tells me all the time how pretty i am and there are times where i know that i will disagree with Him, but i need to believe that i am pretty. My body is marked because i had His child. My body carried the greatest gift i could ever give Him in addition to my submission, a child. It also made me realize that i need to embrace my submission and stop fighting Him. He has made me realize that my past is coming back up every time that im with Him because im holding back or i swat Him away. There are times where He doesn't mind me being playful, but then there are times where i need to be serious. It has left Him confused because when i want Him to punish me i still fight Him on it for some reason (ask me why and i couldn't tell you to be honest). He has done everything for me and its time that i start giving back to Him like He has given to me. There should be no more fighting (although i know there may be some as i work through this new mind process) and no more pushing Him away when i know that i really want it. We are married and there is nothing wrong about how we have sex or what we do when we have sex. He is in control and im willing to do whatever He asks me to do because i completely trust Him. He has NEVER showed or given me a reason to not trust Him.
      So here is where im going to list my new goals of what i can do for Master and other things that have popped in my head.

              -stop pushing Him away when He is trying to play with His lil one no matter where we are because He wont do anything to put me in danger or to draw a negative look upon either me or Him
              -allow Him to do whatever He wants to with me without complaint or hesitation and embrace it as meaning He cares about me because He is showing me attention and love by playing with His lil one
              -try new things with Him (examples listed above)
                              *take pictures of myself in bondage created by Master
                              *try playing with new toys that we order or create to play with
                              *wear either a plug or the balls we have out somewhere with Master to remind me
                     of my submission to Him
                              *try new bondage with Master
                              *if Master wishes to, allow Him to choose the outfits that i wear when i go out
                     with Him and any accessories and if He chooses no underware to be okay with it
                               *try wearing outfits for play for Master if He wishes
                              *try anything new that Master wants to try
             -wear His collar during play time (get the items needed to make one for us) or the everyday collar (get the items to make this one as well) to remind me of my submission to Him and where my place is
             -start getting into position the nights that i am home when we go into the bedroom and await for Master to tell me what He wants me to do for the rest of the night (whether it is come snuggle with Him or stay there and go over my tasks for Him) and do so naked to remind myself that He is my Master and controls what i do as His slave
            -sleep in only Master's tshirt and/or underware or whatever other outfit He chooses for me to sleep in to again remind me of my submissiveness and if He chooses me to sleep naked, be comfortable with it
           -allow Master to give maintenance spankings without any thought of backtalk, fighting it, or pushing Him away if He mentions it
           -embrace my submission and stop fighting or holding back from Master and give everything to Him

Friday, September 13, 2013

Need a friend to lean on after this news....

    So today has been a day full of a lot of reflection. It started in my history class with a quote that was put in there. Odd how decades later and Socrates is still teaching through his words. “No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.” This saying just really hit home with all of the health concerns that I have been facing over the past few years. It reminded me that no matter what is going on with me that i should do the best i can to take care of my body.
    Over the past three years, Master and i have faced a slew of doctor's together from regular doctor to a gastroenterologist and a few other specialists. My symptoms were all over the place and it was hard for the doctors to piece together what was going on with me. There would be test results that would come up abnormal one visit and normal the next or an antibody that would finally pinpoint something turn up positive then the next time it would turn up negative. It was definitely frustrating to say the least to go from doctor to doctor and hear them come up with nothing and then look at me as if it was all in my head. Hearing someone say that it was because i wasn't able to hand things or because i was depressed was just making me start to get that way because nobody could find out what was wrong.
     Just this past week it finally came to where we figured out what was wrong with me. It only took another doctor and a specialist that i should have seen three years ago to finally diagnose me. It turns out what i have is a combination of high cholesterol and im considered to be prediabetic and my pancreas is damaged right now. The high cholesterol is being treated now, but it was mentioned briefly three years ago but for some reason the doctors seemed to only think that telling me would solve it. Having a family history of high cholesterol and already having high cholesterol should have been a red flag, but obviously not. It was allowed to continue on as the blood tests were done and before long, it got to a point of no return. The high cholesterol ended up hurting my pancreas in its own right. For years i have also been having issues with being hypoglycemic until after i got sick. Since i got sick, it has skyrocketed into me being prediabetic. Right now i have to take medicine because my body is no longer recognizing what is or isn't a normal blood sugar. It was definitely scary hearing the word "diabetes" and "impaired glucose", but after meeting with this new doctor it didn't seem so scary after all. The doctor calmed me down by telling me that there is a possibility that i may or may not develop diabetes in the future. It all depends on making changes in my lifestyle about what i eat and adding more exercise in.
     So all this has left me feeling very contemplative about everything in my life and just how i feel about this whole diagnosis. A part of me is accepting of it and i feel that it is definitely a peaceful feeling because there is an answer as to what is going on with me. It sucks that it is a life altering diagnosis, but it makes me all that more thankful for the time that i have. The other part of me is utterly terrified!! Diabetes in today's world is a disease that can sometimes turn into a killer because of the various complications it produces in the human body. This terrifies me because im afraid that something will happen to me and i will leave here early and like Master's father did. His father passed away younger than he should have and it is my fear that i will do the same to Master because of this dreadful thing. Despite the fact that i may not develop it, it still scares me. It scares me for our child and future children. How will this affect them? Did i pass this onto them or is there a chance that they could get it? Will i be there to watch them grow up or will my body say that it is beyond repair and i develop this disease despite the help to prevent it? There are just so many factors that honestly scare me. Plus i hate needles and having to poke myself to give myself any kind of shot during the day and also to check my blood sugar would just kill me. It's so much of a mind trick and i feel like my mind is still slightly trying to wrap itself around the results. There is a huge positive in that we have a diagnosis now, but the downside is the fear of what is to come and whether or not these medicines will work well enough to hold off this major disease.
      Master doesn't quite know that these thoughts well up in me, but they do. There are times that i realize that because of this i have to fight even harder to lose this weight. According to the doctor, i have to lose roughly 40-50 pounds to be considered a healthy weight for my frame and height. Im currently at 188 and it is definitely going to be a struggle, but it is one that i feel has never been more important than now. If i don't make these changes, i could be giving myself my own life sentence and be the reason why i develop full blown diabetes. It is rough and sometimes i feel like emotionally it is draining me because i feel the support system here is super small. It is hard to work to lose weight on your own, even if you have the right motivation. A part of me wants to ask Master to take on the healthy eating that i am because i don't even know what His numbers are and if both of us are eating healthy it will definitely help me. It is just hard because i don't want to seem like a burden to Him and i don't want to seem like im forcing Him into this choice. It's just i wish to have a partner to go through this with and losing weight and just to be happy when we hit milestones of certain weights. It is just hard. IS it mean of me to ask Him to do it with me or should He want to do it with me (not that He doesn't want to do it, its just He likes His food lol)? So i guess my big thing is that my support system is Master and three good friends right now and that is it. Master's family is hit and miss and i feel like i cant rely on them. The bad part is all my friends are spread out and nowhere near her for me to workout with or meet up with for support if im having a bad day. Maybe that's why part of me goes towards the food at night when i feel like the pressures of the day have gotten to me and subconsciously that's my way of handling it. Maybe exercising will help me get back my way of venting and Master will get His lil one back to the way she was before i got sick. This sickness has affected me for so long, im ready to get back to who i was when Master first met me and fell in love with me. My only hope is that i make Him proud through all of this and tha tno matter what happens if things don't change that He knows that i tried my best and that im doing what we can with what ive been given.
     So with that being said, if you're ready this i would love it if you could offer some sort of words of encouragement, advice, tips, tricks, anything would be lovely. Right now my mind is just overwhelmed and i need this more than ever. Anything you offer to me will definitely be read and i will reply back as soon as i can. Again thank you to everyone who reads this blog and im sorry for anyone who is a regular and feels ive dropped off. Its just hard to find out how to deal with this.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Crazy Life Always Getting in the Way

    So lately life has yet again gotten in the way of things and it has left me wondering about a lot. Let me first say that it is nothing about the lifestyle that has gone wrong. Honestly that is the first place where things haven't gone all to hell. Master has been the most amazing man and has done a lot with me in the past few weeks.
    Well it all has started with school and i feel like i have been going crazy. This semester i decided to take on 18 hours and it was definitely something that i am wondering if it was right to do. It is not so much the course load, it is just more about trying to balance the time between working on all my school work and family time with Master and our family. Before when i was in school it wasn't a struggle for me because there was still time for me to work on things and i didn't do anything at work so i used that as time to work on my homework. It is just hard for me and i am definitely struggling with trying to find the right balance of everything. Taking all these hours and then i also have to throw in work to the mix. That is at least 5 to 6 hours average and 4-5 nights a week and add in travel time to and from work and it makes for long days, especially on days that i have classes. So naturally this leaves me struggling and feeling like im neglecting things with Master and the family and not paying enough attention to them. It has left me wondering how to find the balance and how to make sure they don't feel like im neglecting them or not paying enough attention to them. How does someone find the balance between 18 hours of classes, a job of working 5-6 hours, and then homework time as well and then somehow squeeze in time for sleep and U/us time?
      Then to top all this confusion off there is medical issues that have decided to pop up out of the blue again. Recently i have been having feelings like i was going to pass out or getting very shaky. Usually this has been corrected by eating something with sugar and then eating in general. But lately with my job and not being able to take a break to grab a bite to eat, it has been hard. Where i work it gets so busy that i cant just stop work and take a break to eat, even though my body is telling me that it needs food of some sort, without a doctor's official diagnosis. So today i went back for a checkup from last week and the doctor thought that i was hypoglycemic based on my description of my symptoms and told me to check my levels, write them down and keep track when i eat and also anytime i feel shaky or off, and that i could change the way i eat and it may prevent it from developing into diabetes. Now today after going back, it seems things seem bleaker and scarier to me. The doctor told me today that after looking at my numbers im definitely not hypoglycemic. The news that he proceeded to tell me next was even scarier to me. It seemed that based on my lab results that i was close to being diabetic and on top of that he mentioned that because i had such a high triglyceride number my pancreas could have been damaged by it being so high. He mentioned things about diabetes and having "impaired glucose" and how it's not functioning like it should and that is the reason that i am experiencing the symptoms that i am. It is crazy to think that lately i have done everything right (for the most part) since finding out that my triglycerides were that high. It is frustrating to think that it could lead to me having diabetes because of it. Diabetes is very serious and i know like some people say it could be a death sentence. Diabetes affects a lot of things and i know that i definitely want to be around for a long time to come. It has been a crazy day and my mind is still trying to come to the possibility that in the near future i could end up diagnosed with diabetes.

       So other than that, life has been pretty good to me. Master and i are saving to get our own place and as far as the lifestyle is concerned there has been a lot more play and a lot more spice added in. For Master's birthday, i stepped out of my comfort zone and ordered some new toys for Master and i to play with and delve deeper into the lifestyle. It has even been admitted to Him that i want to add to our toybox and get a few more things to play with to make things even more fun than what they already are. He has already had fun with one of His presents and needless to say i think it caused both of us GREAT pleasure. One of His new toys is this magic wand and oh boy is it magic. The other day was my first time playing with it and He teased me for a while with it. That invention is a love hate deal with me because it was so much harder to keep from cumming with it than just having Master play with me with His hands. Then because of me not following His orders, i wasn't allowed to cum so i was left on edge all day. Later that night when Master was ready to play some more, He grabbed the wand for some more fun. The funny part (and slightly embarrassing to admit here) was that when He finally let me cum due to the wand i soaked His part of the bed, floor, and His foot by squirting so much. It was crazy because i never knew that i could do that and it was crazy because i felt so amazing afterwards. Of course i went off into lala land (or subspace as people like to call it) and didn't get to pleasure Master like He should have been pleased. That was the sad part for me, but im glad that i got to fix that the next morning. So anyways, it was interesting trying out our first new toy, i wonder how the next ones will turn out when we get them in the mail tomorrow. These are what i got Master.
       Nipple clamps definitely will be an interesting first for me to try and I wonder if Master will want me to try and wear them under my clothes if we go somewhere just the two of us or if they will be reserved simply for the bedroom only.

      This one was a set that i found that i thought would be interesting to buy. It comes with a vibrating butt plug (which would be a first for me wearing at all), mini vibrator, and some pussy balls or kegal balls as they were called. It wasn't a bad price and i am definitely wondering if i will think the same thing when they get here and Master is putting them to good use. When i got the butt plug in the set, i figured it would be an amazing addition to our toy chest because i definitely want to be ready for Master anytime that He decides He wants to use His slaves ass. It will be interesting to wear and i wonder if i will be wearing it outside the house somedays or maybe to a dinner or lunch together with Master holding the remote and me having to keep my composure. The same thoughts could be said about the kegal balls that are in the kit as well.

      This last toy will be a nice addition and im definitely thinking that it will be interesting to be restrained with tape and know that there is no way that i can get out of it. I have never been restrained by tape and it will be a new experience for me that i definitely look forward to and cant wait for Master to try this new toy out on me.
      So with all of that being said, i am hoping for some more play tonight. Master and i haven't played in a while and He had hinted earlier that there was some fun to be had tonight but im wondering what it will be. He is definitely a Master of playing with my body. A part of me is secretly hoping for some more fun with the wand (even though at the same time i hate how it makes me a moaning puddle of goo) and maybe experiencing being tied down with what we have right now. We have a good bit of ties that could work for us. Either way, i know that He will definitely enjoy playing with His lil one and reminding me that im His slave and to forget the worries of everyday life.