Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Odd how things just come to you isnt it?

So last night was an amazing night of Master and i just spending time together laying in bed. It's moments like that which make me extremely grateful for everything that we have and being able to lay next to Him every night. Before things were crazy and i often worked so much that for five nights out of the week i wasn't able to cuddle beside Him and i was asleep while He was awake. It just didn't make things very good for us and left little time for play, not including me being sick in between all of that. So naturally last night made me into a really happy lil one.
   Master is always great about rubbing my back as i go to sleep, which makes me feel loved and safe and helps ease my back to let me sleep since its usually slightly irritated from the day. Well last night i drifted off to sleep and before long Master appeared in my dreams. It's not often that this happens, but i think last night that my dream was trying to tell me something and i think i realized what it is. Master and i had a long talk after my last writing to discuss how i was feeling and just all the emotions that i let well up inside me until they burst and then it turns into long discussions with frustrations and tears and hurt and anger and then resolution. We have talked about how there are times where i want Him to take me and then there are times where i am just feeling like i want to cuddle. There is no way for Him to decipher either one and a part of me felt hurt because i couldn't figure out what to say about that. So we decided if it is a night that i only want to cuddle, i have to let Him know otherwise He will be fully prepared to take His lil one if He wants me. This made me happy because now i didn't feel like i was confusing Him and telling Him one thing but my body language was saying another.
    The talk also led to us discussing about my family and i realized that no matter how hard i try, i feel like im stuck in an endless cycle with them. Master made me realize that i am the typical abuse victim and that im staying with them because of some warped since of hope that they will change and because i love them. Granted its a lot more complicated because it is my parents who were the abusers, but it doesn't make it any better for me to continue to allow them to keep going with the abuse. It's weird how Master's family when told the news about the pre-diabetes and high cholesterol that they sat and talked with Him for a good while asking how I was doing. My family answered with the typical half paying attention "uh-huh" or "oh, okay" answers which meant that they didn't really care about it. It wasn't about them so it didn't matter. Its just hard and im still trying to figure out how to come to a place of acceptance where they are still in my lives, but im not allowing them to continue to be that negative source around me. Theres already been enough hurt and heartache in my life that i don't need anymore.
     So all this brings me to the dream that i had last night with Master in it that made me realize something about myself. In the dream there was a part that Master and i went to this place, i don't know where it was, and they knew Master there. The only reason i know this is because they had this thing where if it was your first time there you had to get naked and walk around. Master didn't have to do it because in this dream He had been there before with another girl. Well being the good sport that i am (at least in the dream i was a good sport) i got naked and was walking around. There was a joke though that whoever was new would get naked and then be surprised by getting hosed off by some cold water. It was weird because when it hit me in the dream it wasn't cold and somehow one of the people had a firehouse that was being sprayed at me. Then the rest of the time that we were there (which was a weekend) i was to spend my time naked. It was weird because in my dream i was totally accepting of this situation. In real life, this thought scares me because i am so self conscious of my body and especially my stomach. Right now i am still a little overweight and am working on losing the rest of my baby weight not to mention the stretch marks that are all over my stomach and arms. Those im not too ashamed about because it came from me doing what i had to for our daughter. But i digress back to the dream....it left me completely embracing being a slave and left me feeling free. There was no worry about what other people thought, it was only about Master's opinion and whether or not He approved. He was the one that i was owned by and His opinion was the only one that mattered when it came to things.   
  This leads me to realize that I need to be completely comfortable in my own skin and stop being negative about myself. Master tells me all the time how pretty i am and there are times where i know that i will disagree with Him, but i need to believe that i am pretty. My body is marked because i had His child. My body carried the greatest gift i could ever give Him in addition to my submission, a child. It also made me realize that i need to embrace my submission and stop fighting Him. He has made me realize that my past is coming back up every time that im with Him because im holding back or i swat Him away. There are times where He doesn't mind me being playful, but then there are times where i need to be serious. It has left Him confused because when i want Him to punish me i still fight Him on it for some reason (ask me why and i couldn't tell you to be honest). He has done everything for me and its time that i start giving back to Him like He has given to me. There should be no more fighting (although i know there may be some as i work through this new mind process) and no more pushing Him away when i know that i really want it. We are married and there is nothing wrong about how we have sex or what we do when we have sex. He is in control and im willing to do whatever He asks me to do because i completely trust Him. He has NEVER showed or given me a reason to not trust Him.
      So here is where im going to list my new goals of what i can do for Master and other things that have popped in my head.

              -stop pushing Him away when He is trying to play with His lil one no matter where we are because He wont do anything to put me in danger or to draw a negative look upon either me or Him
              -allow Him to do whatever He wants to with me without complaint or hesitation and embrace it as meaning He cares about me because He is showing me attention and love by playing with His lil one
              -try new things with Him (examples listed above)
                              *take pictures of myself in bondage created by Master
                              *try playing with new toys that we order or create to play with
                              *wear either a plug or the balls we have out somewhere with Master to remind me
                     of my submission to Him
                              *try new bondage with Master
                              *if Master wishes to, allow Him to choose the outfits that i wear when i go out
                     with Him and any accessories and if He chooses no underware to be okay with it
                               *try wearing outfits for play for Master if He wishes
                              *try anything new that Master wants to try
             -wear His collar during play time (get the items needed to make one for us) or the everyday collar (get the items to make this one as well) to remind me of my submission to Him and where my place is
             -start getting into position the nights that i am home when we go into the bedroom and await for Master to tell me what He wants me to do for the rest of the night (whether it is come snuggle with Him or stay there and go over my tasks for Him) and do so naked to remind myself that He is my Master and controls what i do as His slave
            -sleep in only Master's tshirt and/or underware or whatever other outfit He chooses for me to sleep in to again remind me of my submissiveness and if He chooses me to sleep naked, be comfortable with it
           -allow Master to give maintenance spankings without any thought of backtalk, fighting it, or pushing Him away if He mentions it
           -embrace my submission and stop fighting or holding back from Master and give everything to Him

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