Monday, February 17, 2014

Lookout World

Today has brought on a lot of reflection as well as a continuation of this weekend. It has made me realize just how thankful i am for everything in my life from my amazing local munch family to my loving Master who has stuck with me through thick and thin. Each one has been extremely supportive and nurturing of me and i can finally see the results starting to appear. It is still a long process, but there is a little bit of daylight starting to show.
This weekend was an amazing one between bowling and the dinner with the group to spending quiet time with Master. For the first time in a long time i have felt like my true self. I found myself joking and laughing with everyone at dinner and letting go, which is something that hasnt been done in a while. Needless to say that i have always had my guard up because of work or this and that or an event in my past. It had led me to be slightly mistrusting (stupid reasons but hey we all have things that happen right?) and it took me a little bit to really get to know others and truly trust them and realize that they are great friends and resources for both myself and Master.
My previous writing detailed about something that i have kept hidden in my past that has kept me from acting and doing things that i wanted to do, but there is no more of that. From this day forward, i am myself! The playful side of me that has been locked up so long is finally coming out to play. The sunshine is so pretty and it likes finally not having to worry about everything. Master and i have been trying to get back to what we were before the little one came into the picture, but a part of me believes that it was me that was the issue because of things in my head and just hiding behind this huge shell that Master has been trying to chip away at.
There are still a lot of things to work on, but i find myself more open and accepting of things that i think and want to do. Who knows what will happen, but seems that i have a bratty side to me that is newly forming so that will definitely be interesting to see how that goes. It has already led to me throwing myself under the bus a couple times and it will be curious to see what else happens, although i am sure that Master can no doubt handle me. :) He has proven himself more than worthy of it with everything that He has dealt with concerning me and of course He wouldnt be married to me if He couldnt.
:) Guess thats all for now. Hopefully everyone else can see the changes that are being made within myself, but at the very least i do and i know that is all that matters at the end of the day (well mine and Master's of course).

Sunday, February 16, 2014

You Dont Hold the Power Anymore!!!

warning this could possibly cause triggers for those who have had trauma in their past so just want to post this now just in case
This weekend made me realize just how much i am loved (not that Master didnt let me know before and continues to let me know) by my new found family. It was a fun filled day of bowling and then a nice dinner together. For the first time i felt like i didnt have to monitor my responses. There was no hiding my responses because i felt they would be taken the wrong way, like an invitation for further things that my head thought they would take that way even if it wasnt meant that way, or just that what i would say would be deemed as childish or weird and completely ignored like i was used to happening. An amazing thing happened....i felt myself blossoming and becoming the lil one that Master has been trying to chip out of my shell. Then later today there was a song that came on and the part that touched me the most was "Scared to rock the boat and make a mess. So i sat quietly, agreed politely. i guess i forgot i had a choice. i let you push me past the breaking point. i stood for nothing. So i fell for everything. You held me down, but i got up. Already brushing off the dust. You hear my voice, you hear that sound? Like thunder gonna shake the ground! You held me down, but i got up. Get ready cause i've had enough!" These lyrics really made me realize that it was time to stand up and let my voice be heard. There is nothing i can do now, but by getting this out i am saying that no more will you be allowed to have this hold on me.
The time has come for me to no longer be afraid! There is a demon in my past that i have let control me for way too long. Keeping the secret and hiding the fact has left me fearful that someone would find out and think that i was just another stereotype. However, the greatest friends in my local munch family have made me realize these notions were stupid and this weekend especially made me realize that i need to face my worst fears. You no longer control me and i am taking my life back. No longer am i going to be afraid to act like myself, shy away from people and hide behind my quiet interior, or even shy away from things with Master because it reminds me of what you did. You dont get that privilage anymore!!
Around this time four years ago, i was in the process of getting to know people in the lifestyle and trying to figure out who i was. One of the many people that i had talked to from Collarme led me to FetLife and it was treasure trove of information. However, i knew to be smart about things and do a good bit of research before fully diving into something. This was more than what i had only dreamed about when i was younger. There were no words to describe how fast i soaked up the knowledge. Admittedly being young and naive, i was talking to numerous guys because one could never tell when it would become serious and half the time many would quit talking to me for no reason after a few messages. Needless to say i guess i could have been known as a player for messaging that many people although, once it got more serious with one i quit.
Looking around the area i was living in, my first search didnt turn out that great. It was a short dip into the poly side of the lifestyle and at the time i didnt find it very appealing to me (more about that at a later time). When my inner brat was left unchallenged by the Dom in that relationship, i moved on. That was when i found you. You smooth talked me and seemed to have what i was looking for. However, a previous sexual assault by a college friend had led me to be even more cautious than normal when the two of us began talking. You told me how you were new to the area and looking to make friends and find a good submissive to get to know and be in a relationship with. You even told me that you were a cop moving from another area and that you were looking to get on in the town. This seemed to calm my nerves and maybe made me a little less cautious that night. That little voice in the back of my head was quieted reading this because i knew that there was a lot in law enforcement and that working as a cop you would understand what the repercussions were of someone who had been assaulted.
Plans were made and the night we were supposed to meet i did what was suggested by most of the sites that i had read when meeting someone from the lifestyle. A friend had your contact information and knew that we would be meeting at a theater for a movie and then i would be returning home after. There were no plans for any type of play or anything of that nature. The friend was texted when i got there and then texted to be told that everything was okay. Reassured by you that i looked good in anything, i showed up in a pair of sweat pants and my windbreaker. You didnt seem to mind, but if i knew then what i know now, i should have known that you had nothing but one thing on your mind.
Going into the movie, the seats were chosen and didnt seem that bad to me at first. You chose seats in the back corner of the theater, but they actually turned out to be pretty good seats for the most part. The view was the same as if it was in the middle of the theater. You had no plans to watch the movie. To this day, i still do not remember what movie it was because i was too terrified during the movie. About ten minutes into the start of the movie i felt your hands moving. At first i didnt think anything of it, but then they became more insistent. Then there was a whisper in my ear that i was a good slut and that i had better not make any noise. It was all i could do to sit there because this had turned into a bad situation. You had me there, frozen in my seat unable to do anything to defend myself. I couldnt scream or cry or yell for help. Who would believe me when i was sitting there and you had your hands down my pants. It would look as if you were just trying to get some action or something. On top of that, knowing you were a cop just terrified me even more. It was all i could do to get out of that theater when we ended.
You then took it upon yourself to walk me out of the movie theater and suggested walking over to your truck, half walking and half dragging me over there with a grip on my arm. You gave me no room to decide. Getting to the passenger side, you unlocked the door and "suggested" i get into the truck. Now this is where i became afraid. Who was to say what would happen once i got in the truck. Where would you take me? What would do? Would i remain alive? Again, there i sat frozen in fear as you got in on your side of the truck. You pulled me to you and began to fumble around in my pants saying that you wanted some more of what you got inside. Unfreezing for a few minutes, i found my will power to say no and tried to push your hands away. Try as i might though, i couldnt push your hands away and i find myself fighting the tears back. My hands were beginning to shake and i was fighting the flashbacks. As your hands fumbled in my pants, my hands fumbled for my cell phone in my pocket. Finally finding it, i faked a phone call to my friend. Panicking, i began to tell him that he was locked out and that i would be there shortly, hoping he would understand the code that i was trying to tell him. That i needed him to pretend a little longer so that you would buy the ruse. Somehow your cop radar must have been on because at first you didnt buy it when i got off the phone. Your hand began invading my personal area and assaulting my most private area yet again. Three times of telling you no and you still didnt get the point. You kept grasping and trying to pull me to you. To this day i can still see the side of your truck, messy as can be, as i tried to hope and pray that you would let me go. Finally after the fourth time of crying no and almost sobbing as it came out and pleading that i had to go, you let me go. I told you thank you for the movie, trying to hide the fact that my body was getting ready to collapse on me. You left and told me to let you know when i made it home. That was the last time i saw or contacted you.
Unbeknownst to you, i was able to make it to my car. Getting there, i sat down and sobbed my eyes out. My mind couldnt get around the fact that i had just been assaulted. All i remember was driving home in a daze. Once getting there, i couldnt stand staying in my apartment by myself and knew i didnt want to be alone. I had to talk with my friend for several hours before i was finally calm enough to go back into my own apartment. You are the reason for this! You had me at my most vulnerable and took advantage of it! You are the reason that until recently i have never been able to fully trust anyone! Sobbing my story out to me friend, he urged me to tell someone. However thanks to your lovely piece of news, i was unable to get any kind of justice. You were a cop and would be able to side with your brothers in arms. Believe me being a former cop myself, i know how it is. Yall stick together! Because of you i couldnt report it. On top of that, there is no way i could tell any counselor about this because who would understand the dynamics of the lifestyle (before i knew there were kink friendly therapists).
Because of you and what you did i had panic attacks, lashed out at my Master when He would do something that triggered me, bottled myself and put myself in a plastic bubble to protect myself. You took my faith out of the justice system and if i had known at the time what i could have done to prevent another girl like myself being hurt, i should have done it. However hindsight is 20/20. You ruined the past four years of my life, but i am determined to not let it last any longer. Believe me, you better be glad that i deleted all prior messages from you on here and have no memory of what your name was because i would totally be outing you if at all possible. You deserve to rot in hell for what you did and i hope that one day you get what you deserve! You are sick bastard!
But the joke is on you because i have an amazing family that i have met (my lovely WAK family) and an amazing Master who is a million bazillion times better than you could ever hope to be. He knew how to get my submission without even asking for it. He didnt TAKE anything from me! i GAVE it to Him! He and the other Dominants/Masters that i know are better than you will ever be. From this day on, i am no longer letting you control my life. There will be no more bottling up the submissive that was searching before i met you. That bratty/playful submissive that my Master hasnt seen in so long because of you. He deserves to see that submissive and all the other parts of me that have been kept hidden because of the damage you caused.
"You think you got the best of me? Think you've had the last laugh? Bet you think that everything good is gone? Think you've left me broken down? Think that id come running back? Baby you dont know me cause you're dead wrong! What doesnt kill you makes you stronger! Stand a little taller! Doesnt mean im lonely when im alone! What doesnt kill you makes a fighter! Footsteps even lighter! Doesnt mean im over cause youre gone! What doesnt kill you makes you stronger." and "Thanks to you i've got a new thing started! Thanks to you im not the broken-hearted. Thanks to you im finally thinking about me!"
You are the loser in all of this and it is me who is the winner because of everything i have gained. Consider this my last time letting the memories of what you did haunt me! Im finally free and it feels absolutely amazing!!

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Internal Growth

It seems that this month has brought on a lot of changes and i have never been happier with the person that is appearing. It has taken a while for this change to occur, but Master has been the most patient man on the earth while waiting for me to make these changes.
This past week has been an interesting week to say the least and i found myself closer to Him after the lovely wax class that W/we had taken part in over the past weekend. It made me feel that much more in love and the feelings of trust were so strong that i really did realize that i had not been honest with myself in the past when i said that i trusted Him. It just wasnt completely true in the past and i feel bad for saying it when i obviously didnt mean it at the time. The trust allowed me to feel more open and realize that by communicating with Him it makes it easier for Him to understand what is going on with me.
Communication has been a big problem in my past because of the whole getting mad like a two year old and stomping off. Dont get me wrong that hasnt completely changed over night, but He has learned that there is no such thing as a "nothing" answer when He asks me whats wrong. It has become easier to talk to Him and i dont find myself just standing there huffing and puffing waiting for Him to just let me go and leave me alone. It had worked once or twice in the past, but He began to call my bluff and wouldnt take no for an answer especially after the talk leading to things that i personally needed to change within myself. Since W/we talked about me doing better at talking with Him, i have made a huge effort to do so. W/we have instituted a notebook that i now carry with me to write down any thoughts, feelings, questions, concerns, basically anything that crosses my mind at any given moment that i want Him to know. It was an idea from a good friend of O/ours and it has been working wonders. It allows me to get across my feelings because He sees it every day. He has always known that i am more of a writer when it comes to expressing myself and the notebook is the way to get the ball rolling for me to open up and talk.
Now that W/we have worked on that, i find myself actually opening up as a person and not thinking that my desires and wishes sexually or otherwise are dirty. It was a big part of the issues that i experienced while growing up and it has taken a while to break down these walls. These issues caused by family and other things made me feel that the things i wanted was dirty, i was dirty as a person for wanting these things, i was disgusting for liking the things that i am into, my body was disgusting because i was/am overweight, and many more evil thoughts and insecurities that should never have gotten as far as they did. He has helped me to work through them and the biggest one being able to open up sexually with Him.
The other night was an interesting experience and personally i found myself opening up for Him. He has commented in the past that He is the one doing all the work when we get together intimately in the bedroom. This past week there was a night that i felt different. Realizing how much i trusted Him and that He wouldnt say anything negative about me and that He loved my body just the way it was, i opened myself up for Him. It took a lot for me to ask Him, but i got the courage up and asked Him to tie me up and tease me because i had missed it. He agreed and during the process i found myself completely open and enjoying it. The scene allowed me to open up to Him in a way that i felt i hadnt done since before i left for the military, maybe even before then. That night i felt free and let go in a way that was so amazingly awesome. It was the first time i felt myself participating other than doing what He told me to do to help the intimacy of the moment.
The events of that night are strictly between myself and Master (sorry no juicy tidbits), but what i can say is that it made me realize just how much i had grown in taking the advice of how to fix things that i felt were wrong with me and become a better slave for Master. It is still a long way from where i want to be as far as being open and participating more with Master and being vocal about what i want, such as if i want Him to tie me up or if i would like a spanking because i feel that i need it, but i know that it is most definitely a good step in the right direction. It wont happen overnight, but slow and steady wins the race (or at least thats what W/we were all taught as kids right?).
It has taken a lot of work and there is still an uproad battle, but i find myself realizing more everyday just how much i love Master and it reconfirms why i married Him. He is the man who has been there by my side when so many times He could have just thrown in the towel and left but He chose not too. He chose to take me on knowing all my baggage and stuck with me even after things changed when i left for the military. He may never know how much i love Him and am truly grateful for Him taking care of me and staying by my side through everything. He makes me want to improve myself for Him and so far it seems to be going well. He is my heart and soul and i would conquer the world for Him if He wanted me to. :) Love You Master and hope that You saw a change in me like i did and that i can continue to make You proud.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Finding Myself Has Taken a New Turn

So this past weekend was absolutely amazing between both Friday and Saturday nights. Since finding O/our way into O/our local munch group, Master and i have been working at becoming more involved and actually embracing the lifestyle that W/we live. It has worked wonders and i find that the two of U/us are actually becoming closer than W/we ever were before. But i digress back to this past weekend. W/we enjoyed a lovely Christmas party with O/our local munch and the White Elephant Game. It was definitely an interesting twist on the game playing it with mostly kinky presents. Master even got involved by pulling the numbers for the group. It was a night full of fun and laughter and just feeling free and enjoying time with friends.
It led to another talk with someone who i feel is a mentor/friend for both Master and myself. It is someone that i can ask questions about how to do things better for Master if i cant figure it out myself and i want to do better for Him. Master is an amazing man and anything that i can do to make my submission to Him that much better is a win in my book. The talk was about a new decision the two of U/us came up with after a previous talk of keeping a notebook on me so that if i get an idea or some topic that i wish to talk with Master about i can write it down so that i dont forget it. It is a way for me to communicate better with Him because that is a big issue for me. It is so much easier for me to write things down then to say them directly to Him, although im working on that. This notebook helps me relay how im feeling, what im thinking, and various things throughout the day that would otherwise be lost.
Then came the most amazing night for me. Master and i decided to participate in the local BDSM class and it was on wax play which has always been a very touchy issue for me. Before i met Master i had experimented with a poly couple when i was trying to figure out what i wanted in the lifestyle. The "dom" had decided he wanted to try wax play with me and used a birthday candle from a close height on my inner thigh and crotch area. It hurt like hell and it left me afraid of wax play so when i met Master i had told Him that i was afraid of it. He never pushed the issue as He knew i had a few bad experiences when coming into the lifestyle and left it alone. Before going to this class He brought up the idea of me being a demo and i ran with it. Lately i have been trying to get more out of my shell and put myself out there and become more of a social person than i have been in the past few years. By getting out of my comfort zone, i want to work to a place where i realize that being kinky is okay and that there is nothing wrong with it and that i shouldnt be ashamed of my body (completely separate issue but long story short is that i dislike my belly from being slightly overweight and my stretch marks--tiger marks as He calls them--from my pregnancy).
Class time came and admittedly i was extremely nervous because of what it would entail. However thanks to previous talks with Master and the mentor i knew that i would be placing my utmost trust in Master and the class leader. Master would know what i could handle and told me that He would stop things if He felt that they were getting to be too much for me. Class started with trying wax dripped on my back. It was interesting to say the least and tested me because at this point i didnt know how i was going to react to the wax. Thankfully i made it through (although Master offered to go up there with me and stand right there and two friends offered to distract me and give me something to focus on too). It was no where close to the pain i had felt with the birthday candle and definitely felt good.
Time came for them to come off and that was interesting. The technique for taking off wax can incorporate a knife (this case it did) and that is another big fear of mine. Thankfully it wasnt bad at all and the wax was removed. Then it was on to playing with paraffin wax and learning what it feels like when putting it on someone. This was WAY different than the regular wax in that it ran and set very fast too. It was a very interesting experience with that and it definitely tickled something crazy coming off. It tickled so bad that i was giggling, which caused others to laugh.
After that i was asked how i was doing and i replied better and that the good memories had replaced the bad ones. It was mentioned that now that i had good memories i could trust Master enough that i could let go the next time we tried the wax. Well oddly enough the next time we tried it was a little bit later in the class. Trusting Master has been high on my list of things to work on for Master because it is why i am hesitant to do certain things with Him. Placing my trust in Him, i asked Him to try three of the low heat candles and i trusted Him to know if it was too much for me or if i could take more. He did very well and checked on me throughout using the first candle. Then it was time to switch to the next one. He was great about letting me know what color was next and it felt amazingly good. It was an oddly good sensation and i could feel myself trusting Him to where i could let go and enjoy the wax sensations. The next color was dropped and i found myself giggling again as it hit certain spots on my back. The part that truly sent me over the edge though was when it was recommended to then drip the paraffin wax that had been pulled off my back earlier back over me. It was a crazy mix of sensations and i found myself letting go and loving every minute of it. He knew just how far to push me and did just enough to where i wasnt uncomfortable for my first try after replacing the bad memories of the birthday candle.
The part that i think back to the most is right after this little time, Master had me stand up. It was asked if i could be brave enough and i answered yes. This was after the wax had been cleaned off my back from right before. Standing there with Master in front of me, i watched Him give the okay for what was about to be tried. Then i felt the tugging on my back and knew there was a knife, especially after hearing the words "hold still". It was then i had my first experience with knife play. It happened faster than i thought and was just the knife being dragged across my skin in a design. It was definitely interesting and left me wondering if what i thought about knife play was right. It may be something to see what Master thinks about it in the future.
Thinking back to the class this past weekend i have realized a lot both about myself and about Master and i's relationship. In the past it seems that i havent fully put my trust in Master. It may not be 100% there (more like 95% it feels like to me), but it is being worked on slowly but surely. That night showed me just how much i can trust Him. He knew how scared i was of knives and knife play and was right there for me, ready to stop it if He felt things were too much for me. He had my best interests at heart and really wanted me to have a great time. The class made me realize that things are a lot different than how i felt when i first got into this lifestyle.
Leaving the class i had never felt more secure, loved, and accepted than i had then. The group in the class made me feel welcome and accepted both during and after the class (Waffle House was a blast!!!). It made me feel less self conscious about my body because there was no evil looks or bad comments made about how my body looked. It also made me feel trust in not only Master but those around me because help was offered without even knowing my situation. Thank You to the two friends for the offer to help when i first went up there. Also thanks to the wonderful teacher for teaching the class and being understanding and for helping Master be able to play with wax with me. I was made to feel welcome and it has left me wanting to explore more and see what else i can do outside my comfort zone. There are still some insecurities, but it seems the more that i become involved in things like our spa day and the class i find myself accepting who i am, which in turn makes things better for both myself and Master.
He is my champion and i have never felt so much in love and i only hope that these changes are making Him proud of me. He is the reason that i want to get out of my comfort zone and explore new things despite experiences i may have had in the past. Who knows what the future holds, but it seems VERY bright with Master and our lovely new family that W/we have found in the munch group W/we joined. Last bit is a HUGE thank You to Master for being so acceptable of me and my flaws and feeling insecure in myself. Thank You for pushing me to become better and for knowing that i can do things even when i doubt myself. You are truly an amazing man and i thank God everyday that i was blessed with You both as my Master but as my husband and best friend. :) i only hope to make You proud of me as i continue to embrace these new changes.