Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Free

    One word has never felt so good to write let alone just feel. There has been a long time struggle to let go of the demons that haunt my past and it seems that they have finally been exorcised out of my head. Trust was a major issue for me and ever since meeting Master i had felt that i had placed my utmost trust in Him. However, due to things happening it was pointed out to me that this wasnt the case. It was a case of my actions not following what my words were saying.
      With everything that has gone on in my life, i really have been starting to look into myself and trying to figure out what it is that i really wanted and who i really wanted to be. Searching deep, i realized that i definitely have a slave's heart and that is the person i truly wanted to be. There were times that i balked, stomped, just pushed against Him when He asked me to do something for Him or wanted to take His pleasures. For some reason i was fighting who i was and i was letting the demons inside control me. The inner slave in me and the demons were at constant war and at times i truly felt that my relationship with Him was suffering. He didnt have the lil one that He deserved and i was in essence keeping a part of me hidden from Him. He never gave up and kept trying to get me to break out of my shell and stop letting the demons control me. It wasnt working and i could tell that He was getting slightly discouraged but He didnt want to admit it to me and He would never leave me, although it may have led to U/us giving up the lifestyle.
      All of this changed after reading a writing on Fet. It was talking about how she needed Him to just take over her and get the demons out of her head. She needed Him to own her and take what was His. It hit the very core of me and i realized that this writing was exactly what i needed from Him. The friend who both of U/us had turned to had mentioned before that Master was not a mind reader and that i would have to let Him know what i needed. Hearing that, at the time i was denying it and saying that i didnt know how to ask Him for what i needed let alone what i actually needed. It took me overnight to think and mull over the writing and what was in it before i finally got up the confidence for what i needed. It ended up with me sending Him a message asking for Him to "tie me up, use me, help me get out of my head". He was directed to the writing on Fet that had created such a huge impact on me and i had explained the night before of a writing of what i wanted to be and hoped to be concerning myself in the lifestyle as a slave and as His slave.
       He was shocked and sent me a reply that He would definitely be able to help me and that W/we would do it that night. So i was on pins and needles the rest of the day as i waited for the time for me to go home and eat and then face what was going to happen. The feeling was one of nervous butterflies because for me i had the feeling that it would come to a head and that i would either love it or hate it, but i had a strong feeling i would love it. It was what i desperately needed in my soul and body and mind to get back to being His lil one and the slave that i want/hope to be. Later in the night, the time came and when He whispered the words "go get the rope", my stomach went into knots. It was do or die time and there was no going back since i had asked for it and i knew in my soul it was what i wanted. Handing Him the rope, He immediately began to work on tying it around my wrist. Kissing me, it helped to ease my tension away and slightly calmed the butterflies that were threatening to fly out of my stomach. Before long, my wrists were bound behind my back and i found myself losing my underwear. Grabbing me by the arms and walking me to the other side of the bed, i couldnt help but feel slightly vulnerable. He lifted me on the bed and then proceeded to tie my legs spread open. Then began the process of teasing me with the wand. By the end of the night, i had been taken and used as His any way that He wanted, whether oral or anal or pussy. He owned all of it and took full advantage of it.
        There was so much trust that went into that night that i truly felt like i was a completely different person. He had found a way to get rid of the shell that i had been hiding and for the first time in forever, i finally felt free of all the demons. There was no more letting them stop myself from doing something for Him or balking when He asked something. If He wanted me to do something, i would have done it gladly. He had found the key to getting me to link with my inner slave and i was fully embracing it. It was the most amazing feeling ever and i loved every minute of it. He was finally the only thing in my head (other than my school learning of course) and i wanted to keep it that way. He had unlocked the inner nympho that had been lurking inside me. Before i would have been deathly afraid to talk to Him about how i felt, but the next day i found myself texting Him asking Him to play again. He has me craving so much and i want to try so much more with Him. He has me wanting to be with Him every night as long as my blood sugar isnt acting up or mother nature hasnt made her appearance. For the first time in a long time, i have slept so peacefully the past two nights because i know that He truly loves and cares for me and i feel that He has my full and complete trust after that amazing night the night before last.
       Today i was able to have a conversation with a friend about sex and squirting and orgasms and i was able to name the parts in the conversation without batting an eye whereas before there would have been hesitation and it would seem wrong for me to talk about it. The topic was hard for me to discuss because i felt at any time someone was going to come out and tell me that it was unacceptable to talk about. Granted that stemmed from the demons from my past, but it was still amazing to see how much of a drastic change that it has produced after just two nights of having fun with Master and giving Him the complete control and trust to do whatever He wanted. He has truly freed me from those demons that i have tried so long to get rid of. He finally has a lil one that is able to be open with Him. If He had wanted last night, i would have slept naked (which He will know speaks volumes because for the longest time i have been uncomfortable with myself naked), but got dressed due to having class this morning.
       There are still changes to be made, but things feel so much brighter having Him here with me and knowing that He is there for me and that i really and truly trust Him. The first night with rope was absolutely amazing and i cant wait to try it again with Him. :) It may not be anything intricate but it speaks volumes to me and i love the way that it makes me feel. Everything is done for Him and i know that everyday i am always turned on waiting for Him. The hope that i have for myself is that as i continue to grow and learn about myself i embrace the change and keep the momentum going that i have now. There are a few personal goals that i have for myself and im not sure what Master will think, but seems He may agree with it.
                 -dress more feminine even if going to class and reserve sweats and tshirt for one day out of the week
                 -carry a purse around even when going to class
                 -ALWAYS let Master know how i feel and if i want something even if there is a possibility of Him telling me no for it
                 -possibly work at wearing something as far as a toy (benwa balls, plug, vibrator) to class and let Master know how it made me feel
        Hopefully things will continue to progress and i am definitely hoping that Master and i can continue to explore everything. :) There is a slight hope that the two of U/us can play some more with the rope tonight, maybe some more wand play, and just being used by Master if He wishes to use His lil one in any way (just something amazing about the feeling of being used both in His pussy and in His ass---what can i say, im an anal whore lol).

Thursday, March 13, 2014

I've Got a Thinkin' Problem...

This past week has been building and building in me and i find myself getting very emotional and seems that im letting my emotions get the best of me. This past weekend was one of the lowest points for me as a submissive type with Master. The two of us have hits ups and downs in the past, but the last major battle had been because of some hormones out of control (due to PPD and quite possibly PTSD combined). Needless to say it led to Master having to leave the room and step away from me when i was going through that. This past weekend was even worse in my mind when compared to that time right after coming home with our child.
Master and i had been doing great and He had even regained a good bit of my trust. It seemed that although i had been saying since i met Him that i trusted Him, the actions of my body and mind were saying something completely different. There was also the major influence of my emotionally abusive parents and family members. The two of U/us had been working on getting me away from the ties that held me to the emotional abuse and trusting Him more. It has been a long road to even get to this point of realizing that i needed to distance myself from that and with Master's help i had been working hard on putting that distance up. There were times that i struggled, i balked at Him, i pulled back when He tried to push me. However, He stayed patient through it all and gently kept that guiding hand there to prod me in the right direction toward breaking the negative bonds in my life and forming positive ones.
Lately it seems that i have been fighting Master harder than usual. He gives an order and it would lead to many heavy sighs, stomping of feet here and there, but i would grudgingly do it. In between those days, there would be a random good day here and there where i would be connected with my inner submissive and the person inside that i have had to keep hidden for so long. The times i would fight Master, the out shell would win the competition and push the real me further down, denying her to come out. This culminated in the major blow up that Master and i had this past weekend.
Carrying around a purse was so hard for me, although i like purses, and i just decided to quit carrying one and place my cards in either my backpack when going to school or my pocket when going elsewhere. While in the truck with Master, i had laid them on the dashboard so as not to ruin them. When He hit the brakes, they slid forward and ended up getting lodged between the dashboard and the cab of the truck (still there as neither one of U/us can figure out how to get it out of there). This led to a blow up to where i blamed Him for causing the loss of two cards that were needed in daily life and yelled at Him like none other. He even told me about two hours after "that is the worst that I have ever been yelled at". At the time all i could think of was how mad i was and He had done so wrong by making those id cards get stuck. When He came to me and tried to verify that i was mad at Him and blamed Him, my head was seething and all i could think was that i was pissed at Him for slamming on the brakes when He always messes with me about my driving. Taking a quote from another writing on fetlife (i claim no credit for this quote at all) "I wanted to surrender. I wanted to obey without question. I wanted to be His. My heart wanted this, desperately, but my head (my fucking, stupid head) kept getting the last word." (from the k&p writing on an un-collaring ceremony)
So needless to say, i blew up at Him but later after i had turned me head off and really thought about things, i realized how stupid i had been at the time. There was a huge apology and a removing of my foot from my mouth. He had been hurt and i realized i had been the one to hurt Him. That shouldnt have happened and i for the life of me could not figure out why it had happened. Still today i do not know and am going to try my best to figure out why i reacted this way. It hurts to know that i hurt Master with what i did and i can only hope to try and prevent it from happening in the future. He forgave me, but there is still a deep fear of mine that it will happen again. :( Now its time to dig deep and try to figure out why i reacted the way i did and what is really at the heart of my deep submission. There is going to be a long search for exercises and things that really make me think of myself and what i want to be for Master as lately it seems i havent been like His lil one. Master, i only hope that in the future i can become a better lil one for You.