Sunday, December 7, 2014

Changes have happened.....

    Wow, just realized that i havent blogged in a while and that is because life has truly become hectic for the both of U/us. There are so many things that have changed and are changing that life is definitely a never ending rollar coaster lately.

      So guess first place to start is the non lifestyle related things. Things with family have gotten even more complicated and since the last blog post, i have gotten in touch with my father who has been absent in my life since i was a newborn. However, that is where the turns start to get crazy for both myself and Master. It happened out of the blue with me wondering what my biological father was doing and if he was thinking of me. Well thanks to my lovely mother's record keeping, i had my father's full name as well as his brothers' full names. So began the search....

       With some help of lovely social media and some angels, i was able to find my biological father and turns out that he was still alive and had gotten into a new relationship. The first contact i had was from his father (my grandfather) reaching out to me and explaining that my father was overjoyed to hear from me and that if i wanted to, i could call him. The first conversation felt weird (not awkward weird, but just weird in that it was the first time i had gotten to talk to him ever since i was born), but the emotions running through me were ones of elation and joy and just excitement. It was exciting to find out that everything i had been told by my mother growing up was completely wrong......(this comes back into play later on in the details). After a month of talking, we agreed to come out and meet with him and to meet the rest of the family. Turns out that my father had two more children with his second wife and then got married a third time and there are 4 more kids that came with that marriage. Went from being the youngest (mother had a child she gave up when she was a teen) to all of a sudden being the second oldest in the family (oldest if you count biological siblings on that side). It was a lot to happen, but one that i definitely took in stride. Hey, who wouldn't take it in stride especially when interacting with someone who hasnt been in your life basically the entire time. First visit went absolutely amazing and it was something that i had longed for my entire life growing up.

         Before going into detail about how the visit was absolutely amazing, i must put in a few details about how things were growing up. Feel that context must be had in order to understand why i will say what i do later on about my mother after visiting my father.......Growing up i was always told that my father was a drunk and when/if i made the decision to find him that he wouldnt want anything to do me or that his wife wouldnt want anything to do with me, that he did drugs, and that he was more than likely in jail. Constantly, i was told that i was not wanted and that he hadnt tried at all to fight for me and that he just signed away his rights for me. It was very hard to hear that, but there was always that hope that when i found him that maybe he would think differently. There was constant emotional abuse growing up and to this day it is adamantly denied (still tries to happen but i have gotten wise to their tricks thanks to His help). There were some days that i even contemplated suicide, one time there were thoughts of what would happen if i jumped over a hotel balcony (on vacation when i got chewed out for something i had done) or another thought on just taking a bottle of pills and just ending things. Those were the times where i dropped to the lowest point in my life and it was honestly only by the grace of God that i survived those times and didnt go through with it. Honestly, i feel it is because i was meant to meet and get with Master. He ultimately has helped me deal with so many of my demons (many of them stemming from childhood) and work at getting past them. There were expectations of because i was the youngest in the children i had to be perfect. There was no ability of me to do any kind of wrong, i wasnt allowed to drive because they didnt feel i was ready (despite having numerous hours driving and completing at least 40 hours of safe driving done for an insurance discount program). i wasnt allowed to get a grade any lower than a B and actually it was more a grade lower than an 85 (when our grading scale changed to where a B was from 80-89). On top of all those expectations, i wasnt allowed to go anywhere without them knowing. If there were any friends birthdays, most of the time i had to buy a present with my own birthday money. Not to mention the usual tirade of how "disappointed" they were or the typical emotional rollarcoaster of i say sorry, but then get the usual tirade again and repeat the same cycle over and over again.

        So now to the thing about my dad and my mother.....seems that basically my entire life she has been playing this game of lying to me about various things. The list starts at lying about what week i was born (was told born at 28 weeks but i was actually born at 31 weeks), details about my father not fighting for me (he has documents to prove he did), fact that she flew halfway across the country to take me from him, made the decision without me to cut him out of my life, changed the name of my biological father on my birth certificate without my input (basically as if she was erasing him from my life), and so many other things it is hard to basically list them all. Well when i met with my dad, i found out all the lies that she had been telling me (and yes i know that there are three sides to every story--his/hers/truth) and it has been very hard for me to swallow. Basically it sums up to how she wanted a child so badly (due to having to give up her firstborn), that she would do anything/everything to keep me and not have to share me with someone. Well yeah it has made things very complicated (more on her end then his) as she is trying to make things extremely complicated on me and Him about when she wants us to be there for the holidays (dont even get me started there). To this day, she is still trying to tell me and Him what we need to do and dont need to do (one of them concerning when we have another child). Needless to say it is frustrating, but i have reached the point of no return and that im done with putting up with the crap that she has constantly been dealing my way for a while now. It shall be interesting to see how the holidays coming up goes as if anything in the way of them trying to tell me or Master how to live our lives happens, we will be leaving and heading to my father's early.

Now on to the bigger and better part of the things that have been happening :) On to the juicy stuff you could say....
              So now it is on to the part about Master and i and how things are going. Well, things have gotten somewhat crazy in that W/we are trying new things that neither one of U/us would have found interesting before. One of O/our good friends got into rope and it slowly began intriguing me. The more i saw pictures of it, the more i really loved the way it looked and began to imagine how it would feel around my body. After some contemplating and thinking about it, i asked Master if He would try it with me. Honestly, i think He might have been hesitant at first because it wasnt something He thought interesting when we first got together. Well, after He tried it the first time, He admitted that He realized how good it was for Him as well as how good He thought it was for me. It didnt go exactly as planned, but it went very well and i was honestly happy with how freeing it felt to just let go and enjoy myself. In a weird way being tied down for me was severely freeing in that my mind was free to just let go of everything. It felt so amazing and so far He has been trying out a few more tries and ties, but W/we have hit a few roadblocks in my symptoms and my health. It has been amazing working on a lot of my pitfalls with Master and things that i have never done with others. There have been some communication issues where i didnt communicate something like i should have or He didnt communicate like He should have, but nothing too bad that W/we havent been able to overcome. Since this new revelation, i have worked at trying to communicate with Him and voice how i am feeling (hence the slow uploads here as i needed to learn how to communicate with Him with my own voiced words before i could come back here---personal reasons) and also worked at trying the new thing that He has always hinted at---waking Him up with a morning bj. He hasn't had one (from me) before and has hinted that it was something that He would really like. In the past i have thought about it, but my personal inhibitions and how i was raised has prevented me from doing some of the things i would love to do sexually. For the first time i was able to surprise Him and start a lovely morning wakeup (say start because He was already somewhat awake at the time). Quite honestly i am interested to see what the future holds as i have already broken through and realized how exciting things are and hope that things will continue to get better. :)  


             These pictures make me wish and hope and make me have lovely thoughts. The times that Master uses me as His slave for His pleasure leave me flying high. The past few times W/we have had play time together, i have felt myself coming alive. He has ALWAYS reassured me that no matter what, how i feel sexually is not wrong or messed up or anything negatively at all. He has realized that i was very repressed sexually growing up and that it has taken me a while to get to a point where i am starting to come out of my shell. The only part that scares me is that i will be too much for Him. The past few times W/we have played together and He has used His lil one, His lil one has been wanting more. Obviously i know that if i get more is up to Him to grant whether i get to play more (whether by Him or by the wand to which i end up squirting numerous times for Him) or am left wanting more for a later time, but a part of me cant help but wonder if He would think it bad if i wanted too much all the time. It would also make me feel like i am sending a message to Him that Him playing with me is not enough for me, but that is definitely not the message that i want to be sending Him. It is just that i feel like maybe what i should have experienced in my teenage years (you know the always wanting sex and wanting to make love to whatever toy you had at home) is finally happening now that i am coming out of my shell. Just hope that He understands when i have the confidence to ask Him for more (have been trying to communicate it more often as getting better at it) that it is not that He didnt give me enough, but just that my body sometimes wants way more and wishes it could just keep going as in all honesty i think that it is my way of getting a much needed stress reliever as it allows me to just let go and be me with no bells, hoops, or whistles. (Maybe that's why i like being tied down or in rope bondage in general.....hmmm. Interesting lol.)

          So the pictures above are something that i like as an idea because to me if He were to do that and test me in not being able to cum, it is such a test to how much i am His. It's soooooo hard to fight those feelings, but so far i have been able to fight it (it has been hard especially the times that He teases me sooo many ways between the vibe in the pussy to the wand on the clit). This picture to the side sums up how the journey that i have gone on so far as felt and i know i still have a long way to go. Baby steps are better than nothing though right?

Guess that's all for now i have hit a writer's block....will catch up more on the rest of things tomorrow if i get a chance.