Saturday, June 11, 2016

New thoughts and transitions ahead maybe??

       There have been thoughts rolling around my lately about what i wanted to post on here from things ive thought before and wanted to say to just things i want to do in the future and how things are progressing between Master and myself. However, life has seemed to make everything else a priority besides turning on the computer and writing down everything that is roaming around in my head. So many changes since the last time i wrote and unexpected turns that life has brought to Master and myself. 

     Last time i posted about how Master and i were beginning to make changes in how the two of U/us interacted with each other and the type of relationship we had. Since Master and i got married, there have been many different things that influenced our relationship and the dynamic we shared. For lack of a better way to put it, life definitely got in the way as well as things in both mine and His control got in the way....although more mine than His. i guess i have to explain this part to make more sense of why the change....

    In the beginning of our relationship, i was more carefree than i was a year to two years ago. When i first started blogging on here, it was partially a way for me to keep Him in the loop with what was going on with me both in my head after things happened and also with because i lived out of state at the time we got together. Now it is a way for me to get things off my chest and just to let Master know what is going on in my head since i am still working on some of the minor details that come with O/our dynamic. It was very different when we first got together because not long after the two of U/us got together and He became my Master i had to leave to do my job. Between that and basically being in a field where it is male dominated and having to take control, it caused me to lose the lil one side of myself. It was there, but it was only a shadow of what it had been when i first met Master. He never once complained and though things were good, i wasn't the lil one that He had met and had fallen in love with. Now with that being said, both of us know that people can change and things evolve over time. However, this was more because i was letting another job dictate things and it became my Master and He began to be put second. It took A LOT of talking between the both of us since this job has ended and i am moving on. But there are still the scars that are still here and it has left me trying to embrace a new future and let the past go at the same time. 

    In the past, i have posted that i will start to put more blog posts up or even post every single day. It seems that i need to be more lenient on myself on writing and that sometimes it may not be feasible for me to be able to write every single day. Crazy that before i felt that i just HAD to write for it to be a part of the lifestyle dynamic between myself and Master. However, since starting to make changes to our dynamic it has come to my attention that writing down what im feeling or something that i need to tell Master isnt as good as actually communicating with Him about things. He has encouraged me to work on my communication and until recently i had used these writings as an excuse to do so. Now there is the possibility that every so often writing may be the only way to get my words out, which would be the exception to the case above. Not communicating has been one of my biggest issues.

    Since Master and i got together, there have been walls that have been up due to several things that came about either from how i was raised or certain events that happened in my life. He pointed out to me several times over the years that i had walls up and that i didnt trust Him, but the words kept coming out of my mouth that i did trust Him. Apparently i was a walking contradiction especially when the phrase "actions speak louder than words" comes to mind. This was most definitely what i was doing and i fought against this up until recently. Then one day something changed and i realized that these walls were there and that because of them i wasnt fully trusting Him. *gasp* i know...crazy to say that He was my Master and that even though i was His submissive that i wasnt fully trusting Him. Even worse was that this man had NEVER done anything to make me not trust Him. In fact, He did EVERYTHING to make me trust Him and then some. He was that rock that was always there and never once ran away from me. Even when there were the big huge fights (which oddly enough have been the defining moments that led to new changes in our dynamic), He never once left me like i thought He would do because that's what other people in my life had done. He has always stayed by me and has constantly reassured me that no matter what happens He will always be there for me. 

    That is something that has taken some time to really sink in my head. Oddly enough, it took me having a second child to really come to understand just how important the dynamic is not just for us on a sexual level but the peace and comfort it provides us in our everyday life. Lately i have realized i am more comfortable with myself as lil one when i let things happen naturally. There are still many different things that i am trying to overcome from my past and allow myself to let loose on, but i know that it is a slow process. Master has been so amazing in talking with me and getting me to realize that there have been walls up that i never really knew about or am starting to find as i dig thru and let loose. He has taught me so much in the past year that i am really trying to take it to heart and show Him that i am trying to be that lil one that He truly deserves to have. He has been so patient and has stuck by me when there have been several times He could have run because things weren't what they were when we started together. 

    Now with all that being said, life has been crazy the past two years and both Master and myself have had to tone down the dynamic a little bit because we had to move in with a super conservative family member to help save money on bills. It is hard to believe that this family member has passed away, which allows us to be more open with the lifestyle that we live in. This family member was an amazing person to let us live with them and Master and i will always be grateful for them providing a roof over our head when we needed it the most. So our family has been thru a lot with the family member passing, but now i find that the two of us have been able to get back in to being our own selves again. The two of us are trying to get settled back on our own again, but it has caused me to think about a lot of things with the two of us and how i would like to continue to get back to being the lil one that i was when i met Master and before i let other people cause me to lose sight of myself. 

     The past few weeks i started some classes as i am working on my degree towards nursing at a new school. It has me gone most of the day and when i do come home i barely have time to eat before i have to dive into the homework and studying. It makes me wonder if i am being there for Master and being the lil one like i should be. He is always great about reassuring me that He will ALWAYS want me. But the craziest thing is that the week i started school, Master had to get up with the baby and i was getting ready for class. i had to cook myself breakfast and since He was already awake i felt that i should fix Him something too. It was just a natural reaction and it made me feel so proud that i was able to make Him some breakfast and take care of Him even though i spend a lot of time away for school. He has been so amazing helping with the other things that i am not able to take care of as well as i would be able to if a majority of my time wasnt focused on school. The past few weeks with Master and i myself being back in our roles (with a few exceptions from day i was sick and with times i have to work on homework later into the night) it has been the most comforting thing in my life despite our life being very up in the air at the moment. It has brought me a calming reassurance that no matter what, He will always be there to help push me to better myself in a good way and that He truly does want me to better myself. This was shown the other morning when He woke up early with me, let me drive to school (if both of us are together He always drives unless it is thru a drivethru order), quizzed me on my biology, took care of the kids while i took my test, waited for me to have lunch with a friend, and numerous other things despite being tired from waking up with the baby during the night. Words can't express how grateful i am for the little things like this that He does for me, while also showing His dominance and control over me. 

     The future is uncertain at the moment, but i think that from now i plan to try to write in here when it is needed but not use it as my only means of communication. For the longest time i used it as a crutch and it has hampered things when i should have been able to say how i was feeling. Instead i hid behind my writings and told myself that was my way of telling Him how i felt. Now i intend to focus on actually talking with Him like i should have been able to do from the beginning. i also need to accept that lil one is a part of me and there is no way to hide it. Honestly im actually excited about the two of us getting into our own place so we dont have to worry about family coming by and messing things up. It is exciting to see where things will go from here with the two of us and the lil one that Master fell in love with coming back out. 

how i feel about Master most recently :) 
the D/s that Master and i have are most definitely very unique like this post says 
Master has most definitely been reminding me of this all the time 
my best friend and has most definitely ALWAYS been there for me