Reading one of my books this morning, i came across a scene that got me thinking and crying at the same time. Lately i have felt that i have been out of sorts, not just with myself but Master too. A part of me wonders if it is just all the hormones changing and going back to the levels they were before, the baby blues, or just me making a big deal out of nothing.
Our daughter has been home for five weeks now and i cant help but think that we are both so lucky to even have her here after everything we went through. Watching her sleep at night, i always find myself counting fingers and toes and just watching her breathe. My deepest fears come to life everytime i hear a little choke or watch her chest stop rising for a minute or so. It comes from deep inside me and i cant help but feel this way. Im so afraid that one minute that i am going to turn around and she stops breathing or something happens to her and i dont know it. She is our whole world and i am so afraid of losing her after everything we've been through that it scares me to my core.
Seeing her sleeping and so peaceful and kissing her cheeks, i find myself counting every day as a miracle for her. She could have come into this world at 25 weeks instead of waiting until a little into 32 weeks. Thinking of all the hardships we had and the several times that i went into labor and i was forced to just sit through it and take all those medicines to relieve the pain. Did i do something that could end up harming her in the future, especially the day she was born because they had given me morphine and phengren and benadryl about 10 minutes before she came into the world. It would devastate me to know that she was hurt by something i took to help myself. It makes me feel like i was being selfish and not thinking about anyone but myself when it should be about her.
We had to face her being in the NICU for a week, although it was supposed to be longer by the original doctor's account. She was supposed to have a breathing tube and a feeding tube and stay anywhere from four to six weeks, but she only needed a CPAP for a few hours and then was on oxygen after that for about a day. She was a fighter from the beginning, but despite that with everything she had it was still very sobering to watch your daughter have to have all sorts of tubes and wires running from her. She had an iv, monitor wires, her hospital bands, and for a brief time the oxygen tubes. Not only that i had to let someone else take care of her for the first week of her life. We werent able to take her home and calm her when she cried or feed her when she got hungry. Granted, i did feed and change her the couple times that i could but it still felt odd and unreal.
Kissing her cheek every night, Master laughs at me because i lavish kisses all over her. To me, she is our miracle baby and her birth mark is a testament to that. After the birth we noticed she had a red mark on her forehead and above one of her eyes. We found out that it is known as "Angel's kiss" or a more scientific name that i cant think of. To me, this name truly fits her because she was watched over by angels especially after my water broke and she was healthy and stayed in there for another week with no problems or infection.
Before i got pregnant, i faced a lot of health concerns and it scares me that it feels like they are slowly coming back. Since ive been home, ive had chest pain and side pain and a new one--pain that radiates across my whole abdomen. Master jokes it off that it's not coming back(part of me thinks its because He's trying to reassure and ease my mind), but i cant help but feel that it is. We were playing a game with the kinect and i got worn out and my side was hurting horribly like it did before we got pregnant. With all those issues, i dont know if any of it will affect her and that i may have caused harm to her somehow by something i did. She was our miracle and i thank God every day for her.
I guess the best that i can say is that i am struggling with these feelings and will always worry about her. We have already been through so much and i cant bear the thought of something happening to her to where she has to go back into the hospital or even worse. Call me a worrywart, but i have to imagine its a possibility in the back of my mind. Aside from that, my other worries concern Master and myself and whether i am doing a good enough job and if i really am a good mother so far. I know i dont know everything, but i feel that He has connected more with her than me and has so much more at ease with it then me. Myself, i feel that im overworrying especially when others joke about it because i cant bear to let her out of my sight for too long, even if it is to let someone else hold her. It scares me that they may not hold her right, or she wont like them, or i dont know. It's just fear for her i guess.
Anyone reading this has any suggestions on how to deal with things or advice, please feel free to comment and let me know because i feel like im struggling. Im struggling with handling motherhood and myself and Master, dealing with my feelings and fear for her, and the worst part of just myself and how i still look horrible and have this huge roll and dont know how to go about losing this extra weight.....ugh such a up/down feeling today.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Decluttering my brain
The past couple days i have struggled with how to write these feelings so that they are expressed just how id like them to be and not come across in a way that will end up getting me into trouble, but also it is a struggle for me put all this out in the open with everything that has happened already. Honesty has always been the best policy and im not going to stop obeying that now...it's time for me to get these feelings out and put down how i really feel about things and hold my breath to see how He takes them.
For those of you that read this blog, you will know that Master and i just ended our grueling hospital stay of almost two months recently with the birth of our daughter. She is the light of O/our lives and neither one of us would change her being here for the world. But my thoughts arent about her at all because she makes my world brighter when it is all three of U/us together. Seeing what W/we created makes me feel like things are alright for a little while, but it is only a temporary fix.
My feelings started before i ended up being hospitalized for pregnancy problems...more or less about the time that i got sick. Before i start i have to make this disclaimer that Master in no way did this out of spite, to hurt me, or anything else. He was doing what He had to do to take care of me and ensure that i wasnt placed into anymore danger than what i was already in from the illness i was experiencing and then the pregnancy. He was my rock and that will never change. The issues i am going to bring out into the open are things that i find wrong with myself and need help or just a calming word to know that things are okay.
It seemed that things were kind of straying away from the lifestyle and i felt that myself was slowly slipping away. At the time i didnt think anything of it, but i think this was the beginning of me slipping back into my old self from before i met Master where i hadnt really delved too much into the lifestyle. There werent very many punishments, things calmed down with the toys, any experimentation was put on hold until a future date yet to be determined. To be honest, i felt like i was losing my connection that i had gained when i first met Master of my inner submissive and that i had embraced wholy and completely. Leaving for training and then having to put things on hold for a little while was hard and i think i took it that hardest. I slipped out of the rules that W/we had created and i found myself being able to get away with more and more. There were comments made that would normally incur a spanking or sarcasm used that i would have been brought over His knee when we got home, but all those had vanished. It seemed that any kind of punishment was only for something extremely severe, such as the one time that i went into the room and cried for a while thinking He was upset at me but He wasnt so because i continued to cry He gave me something to cry about. My mind and inner submissive misses those days.
As things progressed with my sickness, i could tell that Master was worried about me because it seemed that our lifestyle was put on an indefinite hold. Having to put something on hold that is such an integral part of you is soul breaking and crushing. It was not His choice to put things on the side, but it was out of necessity and safety that He did so. For this i owe Him nothing but love for choosing to make sure that my health was more important than His and my needs. It just seemed that the rules and all had disappeared and i was forced to take on this vanilla life that had become so foreign to me. I mean how do you embrace a life that you dont really want and have to leave everything that you had just learned behind? It wasnt easy, but i thought i was handling it pretty well.
Turns out i was very wrong. After i got pregnant, things continued to be toned down. The spankings pretty much stopped because He was afraid that it would hurt the baby and we definitely didnt want to do anything to jeopardize the baby especially with the spotting that i had early in pregnancy. In my head, i was fighting tooth and nail and silently begging for a spanking for something or wanting to just completely break the rules to see if He would even notice. Despite those thoughts, i kept everything going and knew that He was continuing to do what was best not just for me anymore but for me and the baby. He was keeping our health in mind and i know it had to be killing Him to be unable to touch me the way He wanted or to spank me anytime He wanted. It seemed like things got twenty times harder.
Then another wrench got thrown into the gears. My mind had seemed to forget the old submissive lil one that had been created by Master and was slowly being replaced with my vanilla self. We werent having sex too often for fear of hurting the baby further into the pregnancy and i was sooo exhausted from work and school that there wasnt really anytime for sex as it was, let alone full on Master/submissive sex. It had become a routine and it seemed that Master had forgotten too, or He was trying to fight His inner Dom to keep me from being hurt. We were then faced with going from not really having sex that often to having no sex at all because i was in the hospital. There was no way that we were having sex in the hospital, let alone with a bulging membrane and me already being slightly dilated. It was just too dangerous. Adding fuel to the fire, Master was pretty much waiting on me hand and foot. This threw me through a loop because im not the one to usually be waited on. It's Master that i am supposed to take care of and act like a fetching dog to get whatever it is He wants. He stayed with me through everything, getting me whatever it was i asked for regardless of the time of day it was and whether or not He was tired. He was truly my knight in shining armor. But the one thing about this time in the hospital was that with all the nurses coming in and out during the day and night, Master and i had little time to even talk about the lifestyle or anything involved with it. My inner submissive slid back even further into being forgotten.
After i got home, i thought we would just be able to jump back into things and i would be able to get back to where we had stopped in the lifestyle. I would remember my place, He would be my Dom, and it would just be complete all over again. Boy was i wrong....it seemed that i had completely forgotten who i was. Master and i were unable to do anything, but He was wanting some relief. We may not have been able to have sex, but i was still able to give Him some oral stimulation. He kissed me and was prodding me to go down on Him. It was all i could do to move my head and go down on Him. It was just the weirdest feeling for me and i felt so unsubmissivelike. There was no feeling like i was myself....Then when He grabbed my head and told me to open my mouth so that He could squirt His cum into my mouth, I found myself disobeying Him. It wasnt out of the idea of disobeying Him, but it was like my mind was numb. There was a disconnect between my submissive side and what was going on. For the first time in my life i felt like an utter failure. I mean here this man had taken care of me throughout everything and when He wanted me to give Him some action i couldnt. He had to pretty much take my mouth and make it His and even then it still felt foreign to me. I vaguely remember trying to move away or push myself away from Him as He came because i just didnt want to do it.. This was completely out of character for me and im left wondering why and feeling broken.
Master says that im not broken, but i honestly feel broken because i couldnt even do the most basic of things---give Him a blowjob. How hard is that? There really is no thinking involved, but somehow i couldnt do that. My mind finds itself wanting to rebel from Him so badly and just go off to see some semblance of the lifestyle. I have been out of it for so long that i feel i have forgotten everything and to me that is the worst part because i feel like i am disappointing Master because i should know how to do these things but i dont anymore. His comment of just that he would need to "retrain me" got me feeling kind of hurt(nothing that He did, just the way my brain is functioning right now) and that i feel like He wouldnt want me anymore because im a broken submissive. I dont remember His rules, i dont remember what a punishment feels like, i want to blow up on Him just to see if i would get a punishment but cant out of just that i cant, and all sorts of feelings.
Maybe it's just the baby blues talking here, but i find myself needing and craving the lifestyle. After that night, i wrote out a list of possible new rules for Master/goals for myself. He read the list and said He liked them, but so far nothing else has been said. I know that He is waiting for the right time, i just wish i knew when it was. I feel the longer i go without anything lifestyle related, the closer i will get to completely forgetting my inner lil one. How do i tell the man i love and call Master that id like for Him to start getting back into the lifestyle with me? That i want to get punished again for my sarcasm or being too harsh with Him instead of getting an evil look that just makes me feel bad. I need to be punished.....i feel the need to be retrained to remember my submissive side. I want to find that love that i found with Him when W/we first started diving into the lifestyle before i left for my military training. Who knows, i guess writing it down is a good place to start so at least i can talk to Him about it.
For those of you that read this blog, you will know that Master and i just ended our grueling hospital stay of almost two months recently with the birth of our daughter. She is the light of O/our lives and neither one of us would change her being here for the world. But my thoughts arent about her at all because she makes my world brighter when it is all three of U/us together. Seeing what W/we created makes me feel like things are alright for a little while, but it is only a temporary fix.
My feelings started before i ended up being hospitalized for pregnancy problems...more or less about the time that i got sick. Before i start i have to make this disclaimer that Master in no way did this out of spite, to hurt me, or anything else. He was doing what He had to do to take care of me and ensure that i wasnt placed into anymore danger than what i was already in from the illness i was experiencing and then the pregnancy. He was my rock and that will never change. The issues i am going to bring out into the open are things that i find wrong with myself and need help or just a calming word to know that things are okay.
It seemed that things were kind of straying away from the lifestyle and i felt that myself was slowly slipping away. At the time i didnt think anything of it, but i think this was the beginning of me slipping back into my old self from before i met Master where i hadnt really delved too much into the lifestyle. There werent very many punishments, things calmed down with the toys, any experimentation was put on hold until a future date yet to be determined. To be honest, i felt like i was losing my connection that i had gained when i first met Master of my inner submissive and that i had embraced wholy and completely. Leaving for training and then having to put things on hold for a little while was hard and i think i took it that hardest. I slipped out of the rules that W/we had created and i found myself being able to get away with more and more. There were comments made that would normally incur a spanking or sarcasm used that i would have been brought over His knee when we got home, but all those had vanished. It seemed that any kind of punishment was only for something extremely severe, such as the one time that i went into the room and cried for a while thinking He was upset at me but He wasnt so because i continued to cry He gave me something to cry about. My mind and inner submissive misses those days.
As things progressed with my sickness, i could tell that Master was worried about me because it seemed that our lifestyle was put on an indefinite hold. Having to put something on hold that is such an integral part of you is soul breaking and crushing. It was not His choice to put things on the side, but it was out of necessity and safety that He did so. For this i owe Him nothing but love for choosing to make sure that my health was more important than His and my needs. It just seemed that the rules and all had disappeared and i was forced to take on this vanilla life that had become so foreign to me. I mean how do you embrace a life that you dont really want and have to leave everything that you had just learned behind? It wasnt easy, but i thought i was handling it pretty well.
Turns out i was very wrong. After i got pregnant, things continued to be toned down. The spankings pretty much stopped because He was afraid that it would hurt the baby and we definitely didnt want to do anything to jeopardize the baby especially with the spotting that i had early in pregnancy. In my head, i was fighting tooth and nail and silently begging for a spanking for something or wanting to just completely break the rules to see if He would even notice. Despite those thoughts, i kept everything going and knew that He was continuing to do what was best not just for me anymore but for me and the baby. He was keeping our health in mind and i know it had to be killing Him to be unable to touch me the way He wanted or to spank me anytime He wanted. It seemed like things got twenty times harder.
Then another wrench got thrown into the gears. My mind had seemed to forget the old submissive lil one that had been created by Master and was slowly being replaced with my vanilla self. We werent having sex too often for fear of hurting the baby further into the pregnancy and i was sooo exhausted from work and school that there wasnt really anytime for sex as it was, let alone full on Master/submissive sex. It had become a routine and it seemed that Master had forgotten too, or He was trying to fight His inner Dom to keep me from being hurt. We were then faced with going from not really having sex that often to having no sex at all because i was in the hospital. There was no way that we were having sex in the hospital, let alone with a bulging membrane and me already being slightly dilated. It was just too dangerous. Adding fuel to the fire, Master was pretty much waiting on me hand and foot. This threw me through a loop because im not the one to usually be waited on. It's Master that i am supposed to take care of and act like a fetching dog to get whatever it is He wants. He stayed with me through everything, getting me whatever it was i asked for regardless of the time of day it was and whether or not He was tired. He was truly my knight in shining armor. But the one thing about this time in the hospital was that with all the nurses coming in and out during the day and night, Master and i had little time to even talk about the lifestyle or anything involved with it. My inner submissive slid back even further into being forgotten.
After i got home, i thought we would just be able to jump back into things and i would be able to get back to where we had stopped in the lifestyle. I would remember my place, He would be my Dom, and it would just be complete all over again. Boy was i wrong....it seemed that i had completely forgotten who i was. Master and i were unable to do anything, but He was wanting some relief. We may not have been able to have sex, but i was still able to give Him some oral stimulation. He kissed me and was prodding me to go down on Him. It was all i could do to move my head and go down on Him. It was just the weirdest feeling for me and i felt so unsubmissivelike. There was no feeling like i was myself....Then when He grabbed my head and told me to open my mouth so that He could squirt His cum into my mouth, I found myself disobeying Him. It wasnt out of the idea of disobeying Him, but it was like my mind was numb. There was a disconnect between my submissive side and what was going on. For the first time in my life i felt like an utter failure. I mean here this man had taken care of me throughout everything and when He wanted me to give Him some action i couldnt. He had to pretty much take my mouth and make it His and even then it still felt foreign to me. I vaguely remember trying to move away or push myself away from Him as He came because i just didnt want to do it.. This was completely out of character for me and im left wondering why and feeling broken.
Master says that im not broken, but i honestly feel broken because i couldnt even do the most basic of things---give Him a blowjob. How hard is that? There really is no thinking involved, but somehow i couldnt do that. My mind finds itself wanting to rebel from Him so badly and just go off to see some semblance of the lifestyle. I have been out of it for so long that i feel i have forgotten everything and to me that is the worst part because i feel like i am disappointing Master because i should know how to do these things but i dont anymore. His comment of just that he would need to "retrain me" got me feeling kind of hurt(nothing that He did, just the way my brain is functioning right now) and that i feel like He wouldnt want me anymore because im a broken submissive. I dont remember His rules, i dont remember what a punishment feels like, i want to blow up on Him just to see if i would get a punishment but cant out of just that i cant, and all sorts of feelings.
Maybe it's just the baby blues talking here, but i find myself needing and craving the lifestyle. After that night, i wrote out a list of possible new rules for Master/goals for myself. He read the list and said He liked them, but so far nothing else has been said. I know that He is waiting for the right time, i just wish i knew when it was. I feel the longer i go without anything lifestyle related, the closer i will get to completely forgetting my inner lil one. How do i tell the man i love and call Master that id like for Him to start getting back into the lifestyle with me? That i want to get punished again for my sarcasm or being too harsh with Him instead of getting an evil look that just makes me feel bad. I need to be punished.....i feel the need to be retrained to remember my submissive side. I want to find that love that i found with Him when W/we first started diving into the lifestyle before i left for my military training. Who knows, i guess writing it down is a good place to start so at least i can talk to Him about it.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
The updated version of pregnancy
So today it is three weeks that Me and lil one have been holed up in a hospital room waiting on our lil baby to show herself to the world. It is amazing how people do not go absolutely bonkers while laying in the hospital for a long time. lil one has been an amazing woman for taking each day as it comes and trying not to pull her hair out each and every day. It is really funny to us how all the nurses that are attending to her and our baby are amazed at all the puzzles that we have done. Well when you are in a room that doesnt have ESPN (can I get an amen from the male congregation) then there really isnt much to do except do puzzles. We have five completed already and buying more. Anyways on to what got us to this point.
lil one started having labor pains on May 9 and found out she was dilated and had a bulging sac. The hospital near us isnt capable of taking care of an emergency like that so they sent us to a level 1 trauma center near our home. That was fine because it was close enough for Me to check on the house and our dog when lil one was resting and be looked after by her mom. Well about two to three days later we found out that the Perinatal doctor (basically a high risk doc for mom and baby) was going on vacation and wouldnt be back for 10 days. He is the only one in a 29 county area to take care of her due to this emergency. So they had to transfer us to the big city level 1 trauma which is about 2 and 1/2 hours from our house. For all the females who know when having a preemie baby they give you two shots of steroids to help with the babies lungs and also magnesium sulfate. We had to find out a hard way that lil one is allergic to the magnesium sulfate. She had fluid on her lungs and was in dire stress of having pneumonia. Her Oxygen levels were extremely low and they had to put her on 100 percent oxygen machine. The best part when she was going through that is that our little baby never had any ill effects from it. So finally they got the fluid off her lungs and lil one was starting to feel much better.
They were watching lil one to make sure her symptoms didnt come back and she started to have contractions again and was dialated to 6 cm. They got those contractions under control and had her relaxing for a week or two and she was doing just fine. They even started talking about sending her back closer to our home. Well the next night lil one started to feel the contractions again to the point where she couldnt sleep. They finally gave her meds to help with pain and also to help her sleep. When she woke up the next day her contractions had subsided and she was still sitting at 6 cm with the sac still intact. We found out that they are not going to be moving her back due to how far she is dilated and how young lil one is. The good news is our baby is still having a strong heartrate and is doing perfectly fine. Our goal is to get to 34 weeks since that is where the baby is strong enough and weighs enough to pretty much function without too many complications. Every day is a blessing and we can only take each day as it comes. Thank you for those who have been praying or keeping us in your thoughts. I will try to update as much as possible while taking care of lil one and all the other things that life throws at us.
Master R
lil one started having labor pains on May 9 and found out she was dilated and had a bulging sac. The hospital near us isnt capable of taking care of an emergency like that so they sent us to a level 1 trauma center near our home. That was fine because it was close enough for Me to check on the house and our dog when lil one was resting and be looked after by her mom. Well about two to three days later we found out that the Perinatal doctor (basically a high risk doc for mom and baby) was going on vacation and wouldnt be back for 10 days. He is the only one in a 29 county area to take care of her due to this emergency. So they had to transfer us to the big city level 1 trauma which is about 2 and 1/2 hours from our house. For all the females who know when having a preemie baby they give you two shots of steroids to help with the babies lungs and also magnesium sulfate. We had to find out a hard way that lil one is allergic to the magnesium sulfate. She had fluid on her lungs and was in dire stress of having pneumonia. Her Oxygen levels were extremely low and they had to put her on 100 percent oxygen machine. The best part when she was going through that is that our little baby never had any ill effects from it. So finally they got the fluid off her lungs and lil one was starting to feel much better.
They were watching lil one to make sure her symptoms didnt come back and she started to have contractions again and was dialated to 6 cm. They got those contractions under control and had her relaxing for a week or two and she was doing just fine. They even started talking about sending her back closer to our home. Well the next night lil one started to feel the contractions again to the point where she couldnt sleep. They finally gave her meds to help with pain and also to help her sleep. When she woke up the next day her contractions had subsided and she was still sitting at 6 cm with the sac still intact. We found out that they are not going to be moving her back due to how far she is dilated and how young lil one is. The good news is our baby is still having a strong heartrate and is doing perfectly fine. Our goal is to get to 34 weeks since that is where the baby is strong enough and weighs enough to pretty much function without too many complications. Every day is a blessing and we can only take each day as it comes. Thank you for those who have been praying or keeping us in your thoughts. I will try to update as much as possible while taking care of lil one and all the other things that life throws at us.
Master R
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Update again on things..
I cant believe how amazing Master is to me. This entire week i have been at home resting and He has taken such good care of me everyday, ensuring that i havent gotten too exhausted and rubbing my back when i needed it. Right now He's out there having fun and grilling our dinner to eat tonight. I love Him so much and feel like the luckiest lil one in the world especially after this stressful weekend and week that i have had.
Honestly, i have to admit that there are a lot of times that i wonder if i could do more for Master or just do some things better for Him. I worry that being pregnant has changed things between us, which they have slightly just because what doesnt change when someone becomes pregnant whether its in a vanilla relationship or a lifestyle one. He is such an amazing man and has a heart of pure gold. He has never once complained about how there are dishes in the sink for more than a day or that the bathroom is getting too dirty when i feel so exhausted that after i get off work all i want to do is eat and curl up with Him. Master hasnt had His personal needs taken care of in a long while (well He did have it once but that was the first time in about 2-3 weeks if i remember right) and i feel that it's killing Him. He cant spank me, or doesnt want to because of the bad experiences and scares we've already had this pregnancy, although ive very rarely needed discipline since ive gotten pregnant. He takes everything in stride and massages my back every night without me having to ask Him or even gives in when i crave something and we go out to eat a lot more often then we should. But we can do it and He ensures that we stay on the right track with finances. It just worries me that im not doing enough and that everything has been placed on His shoulders. The tables have been turned in that im supposed to be the one taking care of Him as the Master, but now it has become to where He is having to cater to me and take care of my needs and wishes, often sacrificing His own.
So i guess from what is stated above, i have to say that i am so thankful to have Master as my Master, husband, and best friend. He spoils me and takes care of me like no other, while constantly reassuring me that His love for me hasnt changed despite the fact that things i can do have changed drastically. He has taken on so much and expected nothing and i only hope that after our little one gets here that i can repay this favor to Him. He has been my comfort and rock and i know that no matter how stressed out i get that He will be there to calm me down and point out that there is a bright side and to figure out a way out of any of the tough situations that i have faced.
Back to the update...lol. This week i have been at home resting thanks to my commander. Master and i had a very bad scare and it honestly scared the crap out of me this past Sunday when we had to go to the women's center because of the bad pains that i was having. Im only 25 weeks as of yesterday, so it is definitely too early for me to having this baby. This past weekend i found myself in a dilemma because im not like usual moms when it comes to things happening at their job that they can turn down. If i get told to do something by someone who is higher up than me, i have no choice but to do it because if i dont i can be charged and face jail time at the worst. So needless to say things are a little more of a struggle for me now when things are not just a matter of concern for myself, but my unborn child as well. Saturday i was put outside to work the air show that we were having and it was definitely hot. Going into it, i had planned for this because i knew being pregnant i was going to have to try to stay as cool as possible. I had two 32oz water bottles full of water and ice and an extra 22oz water bottle that was frozen that i ended up drinking as well. All three of these were gone and i was drinking more of the 22oz as the ice melted, but i still felt hot.
Work had started for me that morning at 6am and i was just trying to make it to 2 where i could tell them that it was time for me to go home because i wasnt allowed to work more than 8 hours at a time, since they obviously didnt care about the fact that it was 90 something degrees outside. The people i was working with kept asking me if i was drinking water and if i had eaten anything. Needless to say i ate a little bit, but not much because by the time it got around to lunch time i just wasnt really hungry because i was so hot. Master was good about things that day and when i got to start being concerned about being too hot, i checked with Him to ensure that i wasnt in the danger zone already. At 10 that morning when i checked the outside temperature it was already 80 degrees and climbing. The people in charge thought that the solution to having me work was just putting me in the shade for the day and that would be fine. Despite staying in the shade and drinking all that water, i started noticing i was feeling the effects of the heat about 1015. Around that time i was at the point where i was hot but cold at the same time. If there had been a jacket, i would have put it on. Texting Master and asking Him about this new predicament, i got told that it was only bad if i wasnt sweating and i checked and sure enough i wasnt sweating at all. Which for me is weird.
I promised to give it a little bit and if it was still going on i would get it checked out. I decided to walk inside for a little bit into the ac to see if that would help any, but it only made me worse. After coming back outside, i noticed that i was getting shaky more and more and nothing was helping. My honest thought was it was just my blood sugar acting up and that i just needed sugar and the oreos i had eaten just werent enough. But adding that into the fact that i was hot and cold at the same time, it wasnt a good combination. Looking at me, the people i was working with just kept saying you can sit in the ac for a few minutes if you want, which i knew just made me feel worse because i had to come back out again after those few minutes. I actually asked my boss that was in charge of me that day and let him know that i was hot and cold and i just got laughed at. His comment was he had no clue what to do, maybe put me out in the sun. They had no clue and just laughed it off. This made me feel even worse and that they had no concern for me. Texting Master again that the symptoms hadnt gone away and that i was getting more and more shaky He urged me to go get checked out.
Heading to the medical tent, i got checked out and needless to say its a bad sign when the medical tech that takes your pulse looks at the doctor and laughs when he asks what it is and says that its really high...over 100 something. They had me sit in the ac and take my top off and i still wasnt cooling off at all. The air conditioning was having no effect on me at all. It took them putting an ice pack on the back of my neck to finally start getting to where i cooled down enough. I was way too overheated and they even saw that. The bad part was that there were about 5 officers and 3-4 other people that couldnt believe i was out there working. They said that being 6 months pregnant there was no reason for me to be out there and that i wasnt that needed. It made me feel better to hear them say that, but i had to follow my own chain of commands orders.
Needless to say i had a Lt Col go out with me and talk to the guy in charge of me that day. She knew that if she didnt go out there with me and we just relayed what they said that they would only put me into the ac for the rest of the day instead of sending me home. She even told them that i shouldnt come in the next day and it seemed that they were going to go along with this advice. Master and i found out later that night this was so wrong. After getting told not to come in, i got a phone call later that night that i was to come in the next day and that they would put me to work in one of the buildings, claiming i would be in the air conditioning. The bad part for them is that i worked in this building before and i know that no matter what they say about having ac, it doesnt work in that building because with people coming in and out of the front doors, it just goes out the doors so i knew id be at greater risk to get overheated again. I started bawling and it was all Master could do to comfort me. He was trying to keep me from stressing out, but it wasnt fully working. To be told to come in and put my unborn child at risk again was stressing me out to the extreme. They had proved that day that they didnt care about me or my unborn's child health. It wouldnt have mattered much and i would have dealt with their games if it was just me, but now that i have to stick up for our child it is so much worse. I got told to come in no matter what and they would put me in the ac. Master calmed me down enough and pointed out that since they dont care to not worry about letting them know when im feeling bad. If it gets to that point, just call the ambulance and they can deal with the repercussions of why they had an ambulance called.
Going into work the next morning, i felt thankful because the commander sent me home after taking one look at me. He seemed in my opinion to be the only one to have common sense and it ended up being a good thing that he sent me home. Later that day, we ended up going in because of having some contraction like pain. The doctor asked me if i worked the air show and when i said yes, she seemed very upset about it. I was hooked up to a fetal monitor and a contraction monitor. After coming in to check things, the doctor said that my symptoms were DEFINITELY from being out in the heat the day before. It turned out that i was severely dehydrated because i ended up killing an iv in about 30 minutes and had to drink 3 cups of water before they let me go home. It was bad and i was sent home to make sure to drink a lot of water and cautioned to be careful of the heat.
Work monday was different, but i was ready to go through with it. I was still exhausted from having to get up and work the weekend, but there wasnt much i could do. After going to an award ceremony, the commander sent me home for the rest of the day again. He has showed a lot of concern about me and checked on me everytime that he saw me and told me that he wanted me to rest. Later monday night i got a text message from one of the guys in my office to not come in that until tomorrow and that they wanted me to rest. Needless to say it shocked me, but it made me happy all at the same time that it showed at least my commander cared about me and my unborn child, especially after i told them i was possibly going into preterm labor. Who knows what the future has in store here, but i honestly hope that my unborn child's health isnt put into jeopardy any more.
Wish Master and i luck and thank you so much for keeping us in your prayers.
Honestly, i have to admit that there are a lot of times that i wonder if i could do more for Master or just do some things better for Him. I worry that being pregnant has changed things between us, which they have slightly just because what doesnt change when someone becomes pregnant whether its in a vanilla relationship or a lifestyle one. He is such an amazing man and has a heart of pure gold. He has never once complained about how there are dishes in the sink for more than a day or that the bathroom is getting too dirty when i feel so exhausted that after i get off work all i want to do is eat and curl up with Him. Master hasnt had His personal needs taken care of in a long while (well He did have it once but that was the first time in about 2-3 weeks if i remember right) and i feel that it's killing Him. He cant spank me, or doesnt want to because of the bad experiences and scares we've already had this pregnancy, although ive very rarely needed discipline since ive gotten pregnant. He takes everything in stride and massages my back every night without me having to ask Him or even gives in when i crave something and we go out to eat a lot more often then we should. But we can do it and He ensures that we stay on the right track with finances. It just worries me that im not doing enough and that everything has been placed on His shoulders. The tables have been turned in that im supposed to be the one taking care of Him as the Master, but now it has become to where He is having to cater to me and take care of my needs and wishes, often sacrificing His own.
So i guess from what is stated above, i have to say that i am so thankful to have Master as my Master, husband, and best friend. He spoils me and takes care of me like no other, while constantly reassuring me that His love for me hasnt changed despite the fact that things i can do have changed drastically. He has taken on so much and expected nothing and i only hope that after our little one gets here that i can repay this favor to Him. He has been my comfort and rock and i know that no matter how stressed out i get that He will be there to calm me down and point out that there is a bright side and to figure out a way out of any of the tough situations that i have faced.
Back to the update...lol. This week i have been at home resting thanks to my commander. Master and i had a very bad scare and it honestly scared the crap out of me this past Sunday when we had to go to the women's center because of the bad pains that i was having. Im only 25 weeks as of yesterday, so it is definitely too early for me to having this baby. This past weekend i found myself in a dilemma because im not like usual moms when it comes to things happening at their job that they can turn down. If i get told to do something by someone who is higher up than me, i have no choice but to do it because if i dont i can be charged and face jail time at the worst. So needless to say things are a little more of a struggle for me now when things are not just a matter of concern for myself, but my unborn child as well. Saturday i was put outside to work the air show that we were having and it was definitely hot. Going into it, i had planned for this because i knew being pregnant i was going to have to try to stay as cool as possible. I had two 32oz water bottles full of water and ice and an extra 22oz water bottle that was frozen that i ended up drinking as well. All three of these were gone and i was drinking more of the 22oz as the ice melted, but i still felt hot.
Work had started for me that morning at 6am and i was just trying to make it to 2 where i could tell them that it was time for me to go home because i wasnt allowed to work more than 8 hours at a time, since they obviously didnt care about the fact that it was 90 something degrees outside. The people i was working with kept asking me if i was drinking water and if i had eaten anything. Needless to say i ate a little bit, but not much because by the time it got around to lunch time i just wasnt really hungry because i was so hot. Master was good about things that day and when i got to start being concerned about being too hot, i checked with Him to ensure that i wasnt in the danger zone already. At 10 that morning when i checked the outside temperature it was already 80 degrees and climbing. The people in charge thought that the solution to having me work was just putting me in the shade for the day and that would be fine. Despite staying in the shade and drinking all that water, i started noticing i was feeling the effects of the heat about 1015. Around that time i was at the point where i was hot but cold at the same time. If there had been a jacket, i would have put it on. Texting Master and asking Him about this new predicament, i got told that it was only bad if i wasnt sweating and i checked and sure enough i wasnt sweating at all. Which for me is weird.
I promised to give it a little bit and if it was still going on i would get it checked out. I decided to walk inside for a little bit into the ac to see if that would help any, but it only made me worse. After coming back outside, i noticed that i was getting shaky more and more and nothing was helping. My honest thought was it was just my blood sugar acting up and that i just needed sugar and the oreos i had eaten just werent enough. But adding that into the fact that i was hot and cold at the same time, it wasnt a good combination. Looking at me, the people i was working with just kept saying you can sit in the ac for a few minutes if you want, which i knew just made me feel worse because i had to come back out again after those few minutes. I actually asked my boss that was in charge of me that day and let him know that i was hot and cold and i just got laughed at. His comment was he had no clue what to do, maybe put me out in the sun. They had no clue and just laughed it off. This made me feel even worse and that they had no concern for me. Texting Master again that the symptoms hadnt gone away and that i was getting more and more shaky He urged me to go get checked out.
Heading to the medical tent, i got checked out and needless to say its a bad sign when the medical tech that takes your pulse looks at the doctor and laughs when he asks what it is and says that its really high...over 100 something. They had me sit in the ac and take my top off and i still wasnt cooling off at all. The air conditioning was having no effect on me at all. It took them putting an ice pack on the back of my neck to finally start getting to where i cooled down enough. I was way too overheated and they even saw that. The bad part was that there were about 5 officers and 3-4 other people that couldnt believe i was out there working. They said that being 6 months pregnant there was no reason for me to be out there and that i wasnt that needed. It made me feel better to hear them say that, but i had to follow my own chain of commands orders.
Needless to say i had a Lt Col go out with me and talk to the guy in charge of me that day. She knew that if she didnt go out there with me and we just relayed what they said that they would only put me into the ac for the rest of the day instead of sending me home. She even told them that i shouldnt come in the next day and it seemed that they were going to go along with this advice. Master and i found out later that night this was so wrong. After getting told not to come in, i got a phone call later that night that i was to come in the next day and that they would put me to work in one of the buildings, claiming i would be in the air conditioning. The bad part for them is that i worked in this building before and i know that no matter what they say about having ac, it doesnt work in that building because with people coming in and out of the front doors, it just goes out the doors so i knew id be at greater risk to get overheated again. I started bawling and it was all Master could do to comfort me. He was trying to keep me from stressing out, but it wasnt fully working. To be told to come in and put my unborn child at risk again was stressing me out to the extreme. They had proved that day that they didnt care about me or my unborn's child health. It wouldnt have mattered much and i would have dealt with their games if it was just me, but now that i have to stick up for our child it is so much worse. I got told to come in no matter what and they would put me in the ac. Master calmed me down enough and pointed out that since they dont care to not worry about letting them know when im feeling bad. If it gets to that point, just call the ambulance and they can deal with the repercussions of why they had an ambulance called.
Going into work the next morning, i felt thankful because the commander sent me home after taking one look at me. He seemed in my opinion to be the only one to have common sense and it ended up being a good thing that he sent me home. Later that day, we ended up going in because of having some contraction like pain. The doctor asked me if i worked the air show and when i said yes, she seemed very upset about it. I was hooked up to a fetal monitor and a contraction monitor. After coming in to check things, the doctor said that my symptoms were DEFINITELY from being out in the heat the day before. It turned out that i was severely dehydrated because i ended up killing an iv in about 30 minutes and had to drink 3 cups of water before they let me go home. It was bad and i was sent home to make sure to drink a lot of water and cautioned to be careful of the heat.
Work monday was different, but i was ready to go through with it. I was still exhausted from having to get up and work the weekend, but there wasnt much i could do. After going to an award ceremony, the commander sent me home for the rest of the day again. He has showed a lot of concern about me and checked on me everytime that he saw me and told me that he wanted me to rest. Later monday night i got a text message from one of the guys in my office to not come in that until tomorrow and that they wanted me to rest. Needless to say it shocked me, but it made me happy all at the same time that it showed at least my commander cared about me and my unborn child, especially after i told them i was possibly going into preterm labor. Who knows what the future has in store here, but i honestly hope that my unborn child's health isnt put into jeopardy any more.
Wish Master and i luck and thank you so much for keeping us in your prayers.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Stupid people
If anyone knows anything about the military they know that doctors in the military are always officers and their opinion is taken seriously. The LT COL said to lil one that there was no reason that she should have been out in that heat being that far along in her pregnacy and that she shouldnt work tomorrow. Thankfully the doc went and told her supervisor the exact same thing she told lil one. lil one's supervisor had no choice but to agree with the doc and sent lil one home to rest telling her not to come in tomorrow. So lil one came home and rested for a great while trying to get the sick feeling of overheating to go away. She started to feel a little better when she got a phone from another supervisor telling her that she HAD to come in the next day and that they would put her in a building with no air conditioning. As you can imagine with pregnancy hormones, this just hurt lil one so bad that she was bawling (crying her eyes out for those that dont understand southern speak).
This made it even worse for her because as a person in the medical field I knew she was stressing the baby and everyone knows that is the last thing you need to do when being pregnant. I finally got her calmed down enough to start thinking clearly. So the next day comes and once again she HAS to be up at 5:10 in the morning to go do something that she was told she didnt have to do by a doctor. Thankfully her Commander talked to her before she was posted out and sent her home for the day. At least one person has enough common sense to tell when people shouldnt be doing something. So lil one got back home and took a nice long nap but was still feeling the effects of being in the sun yesterday. We wound up going to the hospital where she was hooked up to a fetal heart monitor as well as a contraction monitor to make sure everything was alright.
The good news is that her symptoms WERE related to being out in the heat and that it was dehydration. The baby is doing perfectly fine and We are both so thankful for that. I am proud of My lil one for being a tough woman she is going to be a wonderful mother!
Just keep us in your prayers and we will try to keep everyone up to date. Once again thank you for reading our blog.
Master R
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Warning...dangerously emotional material ahead...read at own risk!!!
So tomorrow is going to be an interesting day for sure. It's not one that i am 100% sure that i am ready for, but in the long run i know it will be better for me and peanut in the long run as well as Master. He is completely on board and told me the decision to go ahead is on me because He doesnt want to tell me one way or the other what to do concerning this major issue because it is about my healing.
Tomorrow is a big step for me because i am going to be starting to work on bettering myself and getting to a point where my past doesnt affect me as much as it seems to do every so often. It is hard for me to admit and a part of me is not sure how it will go because i have to be cautious in the little details that i tell the counselor tomorrow for the safety of my job and my life because it is not advisable for the lifestyle and military to mix at all, especially with the military's view on how it could be considered abuse.
Anyways, i guess im kind of scared about tomorrow. This is a demon that im getting ready to face that i havent brought out into the open since i was in training for my job. Even then, it didnt fully come out but it was more that i was reminded of the assault i experienced. To be a victim of it not once, but twice is excruciating to me and there are times that i question myself and whether i really did everything that i could have. To me, its scary to face this demon that i have tried so hard to bury and just move on from, but there are times where it still rears its ugly head at me and a lot of them happen to be the most inopportune time.
****this is the hardest thing for me to admit and in writing this, i am writing it more for myself to brace myself for bringing it up in therapy tomorrow. For anyone that has gotten this far, proceed at your own risk with the rest because it is very brutal and is somewhat raw at times. I apologize in advance if this offends anyone****
When i first got into the lifestyle i researched a lot and one of the things i found mentioned the safety measures. It talked about having a friend that knew you were into the lifestyle and knew who you were going to meet and the information about them as well as how long you were going to be gone and things of that nature to ensure that as a submissive you remained safe. Now by no means am i saying that it cant apply to Doms either, but usually it applies to submissives and slaves because 9 times out of 10 we are the ones that get pushed this way or that. Anyways, i knew about the safety measures and after already being a victim of a sexual assault outside of the lifestyle the year before, i knew to make sure that someone knew where i was going and who i was meeting and that id call them if anything happened. At the time, i felt that i had done everything right that i should have done. This guy on fetlife messaged me and we had talked for a few weeks. He was interesting enough that i decided to meet up with him and see about at least making a new friend in the lifestyle. Through all of his messages there wasnt anything that spoke out to me that told me that he was going to do what he would do later that night. He seemed like a decent guy and to top it off, he was a police officer that had moved into the area and was looking to meet new people, especially ones in the lifestyle.
We met up and things seemed to be going alright. We met in a public place and i made sure to park away and met him in front of the counter to buy tickets. It seemed things were fine til we got into the movie. It was dark and he chose the seat at the very top and decided that he was going to do what he wanted with me during the movie. There wasnt much i could because he had his arm around me, pretty much preventing me from moving away and i didnt want to draw attention to myself and make people think that it was just i was wanting him to almost have sex with me in the theater. So i sat through the movie and it finally ended, i was ready to go. He had me walk with him back to his car and this is the one part that i feel like i should have thought differently. I guess it was because it was in the middle of a lighted parking lot that i felt he wouldnt really try anything with me again. There were too many people around for that. I couldnt be farther from the truth in my thought. When we got to his truck, he offered for me to sit in it because it had started to rain. When i sat down, he pulled me over to him and began to use his hands anyway he wanted. Despite my protests, he was going to get what he wanted and i knew it by the way he was holding me down. In my own attempt to save myself, i dialed my friend that was my safe person and pretended that they were locked out of the house. It took me telling him no and pushing this guy away about ten times before i was finally able to get out of the truck and walk back to my car. Trying not to let him see, i made it to my car and immediately lost it. 
I had just been assaulted and i felt so dirty and unpure and completely unsafe. On top of that, i couldnt report it. Honestly, who would believe a girl that comes in and accuses a cop that he sexually assaulted her? Not very many people. There's an unwritten code with cops that i have seen even if you dont work with them. It is like a brotherhood and nine times out of ten they will try to protect their own. Granted he wasnt a cop from my town, but he would have had more credibility compared to me. I mean from that to how do you explain how you met him? Do you tell them that you like men to be dominate with you and thats why you met him? Then it makes you look bad because they would assume that they were dominant with you and you just changed your mind. After experiencing a previous fail with the system on reporting my assault, i kept this one a secret. That has been the hardest part because to this day there are only two people that know about it.
I guess tomorrow scares me because it will bring up those emotions again that i faced that night, much like they are right now as im writing this. Although i feel that i ended up on the better end of the bargain because i have a Master that loves me and supports me through anything. He has been there and showed me that the guy in the lifestyle who assaulted me was a jerk and should have been shot. My only hope is that one day looking back on this i can show my child that i am a positive role model for them. I want them to know that no matter what happens, they should always report an assault no matter what it is because even if its just hands in your private areas and you dont want them there, it is still assault. Thats one reason i decided to go ahead with the therapy in bringing all this back up to the surface was for peanut and Master. I also want to get to a point where i dont push Master away when He's just playing with because of something buried inside me. It's nothing He is doing because i know i am ALWAYS safe with Him, but sometimes there's that unconscious reaction to push away if someone is on top of me or if it hurts sometimes. To me, im hopeful for a brighter future where i can gain a semblance of my old self back and put this demon in my past for good.
Tomorrow is a big step for me because i am going to be starting to work on bettering myself and getting to a point where my past doesnt affect me as much as it seems to do every so often. It is hard for me to admit and a part of me is not sure how it will go because i have to be cautious in the little details that i tell the counselor tomorrow for the safety of my job and my life because it is not advisable for the lifestyle and military to mix at all, especially with the military's view on how it could be considered abuse.
Anyways, i guess im kind of scared about tomorrow. This is a demon that im getting ready to face that i havent brought out into the open since i was in training for my job. Even then, it didnt fully come out but it was more that i was reminded of the assault i experienced. To be a victim of it not once, but twice is excruciating to me and there are times that i question myself and whether i really did everything that i could have. To me, its scary to face this demon that i have tried so hard to bury and just move on from, but there are times where it still rears its ugly head at me and a lot of them happen to be the most inopportune time.
****this is the hardest thing for me to admit and in writing this, i am writing it more for myself to brace myself for bringing it up in therapy tomorrow. For anyone that has gotten this far, proceed at your own risk with the rest because it is very brutal and is somewhat raw at times. I apologize in advance if this offends anyone****
We met up and things seemed to be going alright. We met in a public place and i made sure to park away and met him in front of the counter to buy tickets. It seemed things were fine til we got into the movie. It was dark and he chose the seat at the very top and decided that he was going to do what he wanted with me during the movie. There wasnt much i could because he had his arm around me, pretty much preventing me from moving away and i didnt want to draw attention to myself and make people think that it was just i was wanting him to almost have sex with me in the theater. So i sat through the movie and it finally ended, i was ready to go. He had me walk with him back to his car and this is the one part that i feel like i should have thought differently. I guess it was because it was in the middle of a lighted parking lot that i felt he wouldnt really try anything with me again. There were too many people around for that. I couldnt be farther from the truth in my thought. When we got to his truck, he offered for me to sit in it because it had started to rain. When i sat down, he pulled me over to him and began to use his hands anyway he wanted. Despite my protests, he was going to get what he wanted and i knew it by the way he was holding me down. In my own attempt to save myself, i dialed my friend that was my safe person and pretended that they were locked out of the house. It took me telling him no and pushing this guy away about ten times before i was finally able to get out of the truck and walk back to my car. Trying not to let him see, i made it to my car and immediately lost it. 
I had just been assaulted and i felt so dirty and unpure and completely unsafe. On top of that, i couldnt report it. Honestly, who would believe a girl that comes in and accuses a cop that he sexually assaulted her? Not very many people. There's an unwritten code with cops that i have seen even if you dont work with them. It is like a brotherhood and nine times out of ten they will try to protect their own. Granted he wasnt a cop from my town, but he would have had more credibility compared to me. I mean from that to how do you explain how you met him? Do you tell them that you like men to be dominate with you and thats why you met him? Then it makes you look bad because they would assume that they were dominant with you and you just changed your mind. After experiencing a previous fail with the system on reporting my assault, i kept this one a secret. That has been the hardest part because to this day there are only two people that know about it.
I guess tomorrow scares me because it will bring up those emotions again that i faced that night, much like they are right now as im writing this. Although i feel that i ended up on the better end of the bargain because i have a Master that loves me and supports me through anything. He has been there and showed me that the guy in the lifestyle who assaulted me was a jerk and should have been shot. My only hope is that one day looking back on this i can show my child that i am a positive role model for them. I want them to know that no matter what happens, they should always report an assault no matter what it is because even if its just hands in your private areas and you dont want them there, it is still assault. Thats one reason i decided to go ahead with the therapy in bringing all this back up to the surface was for peanut and Master. I also want to get to a point where i dont push Master away when He's just playing with because of something buried inside me. It's nothing He is doing because i know i am ALWAYS safe with Him, but sometimes there's that unconscious reaction to push away if someone is on top of me or if it hurts sometimes. To me, im hopeful for a brighter future where i can gain a semblance of my old self back and put this demon in my past for good.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Better Late than Never
First off, i apologize to those who read my blog. After reading a couple blogs posting about people asking them questions, i realized that its question and answer month. Sorry for the delay in posting, but feel free to ask myself or Master any questions that you have about things in O/our lives. Again, sorry it is a little late in posting, but i promise to do better on posting in the future.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Update in general...
Wow, i cant believe that its been a good while since ive posted a blog. I feel bad because ive said that i was going to blog everyday, but i think i was a little overconfident in myself and how i was going to handle this pregnancy and school and work all together. Let's just say blogging had to be put on the backburner for a little bit while i figured things out.
Things between Master and myself are better than ever. He is the most amazing man and truly knows how to take care of me and give me what i need. One of the last posts i made was asking Him to use me for His pleasure and just asking for more because i felt that since i got pregnant i wasnt able to do enough for Him. He majorly delivered in a good way and im feeling much better and happy about things.
He treated me last night and made me feel so loved and special and very much like His lil one. It seemed like i had almost forgotten what it was like for Him to do what He wanted with no control coming from me. Last night was my first ever adventure into being tied up with rope and it was definitely interesting to say the least. Honestly, i never knew Master could tie me up the way He did. It was crazy though because He brought out the toys and it has been soooo long since my boobs have been smacked and spanked and just tortured. My hands offered slight protection, but not much. If i tried to protect them, my pussy would get spanked. It was hard to choose the lesser of two evils, but to be honest i wouldnt have had any other way last night.
So....aside from Master and i getting back to ourselves i have been dealing with school. It has been a battle for me in between feeling sick and not wanting to go to class for a few days and keeping up with everything. Luckily most days at work i am able to work on my school work and get a good bit of it done so that i can just spend time with Master while im at home at night. It's good...right now im looking at A's and B's. My psychology class i bombed the midterm so now im trying to do my best to achieve that high B that i know i can get. Master actually wasnt upset about me failing the midterm, but told me that as long as i tried my best that i would be alright. He surprises me because when im hardest on myself, He says that as long as i tried my best and did what i could to do my best that He wouldnt be upset with me. Its amazing having a wonderful motivator behind me helping me to finish school. Im not sure if i want to take a full load yet this summer, but i know for sure that im taking classes. I may take as many as i can now so that i can spend time with the baby when it comes around fall semester.
Oh, speaking of baby, for those of you that have read that Master and i are expecting....we have an update..We still dont know the sex of the baby yet (sucks for me and that was a big fiasco at the doctors office in and of itself) but we find out in about 2 1/2 weeks time frame. Im so excited and Master and i cant wait to find out if our hunch is right that we're having a boy. Everyone keeps laughing and asking how we know, but between the both of us its just this unexplainable feeling that it's a boy. I cant really explain it, but i just know that this baby is a boy by how it feels and how ive been feeling. If you go on the heartbeat, it says boy too. Our last appointment the nurse had to chase the baby around to find the heartbeat but once she got it, it was 139. So based off that, it says that its a boy too. Oh well, guess we have to wait a few more weeks to find out. For now Master and i are just looking at gender neutral clothes and stocking up on diapers and wipes since our baby's room is already ready and waiting for them to come home.
Sorry to bore everyone with this blog, but i felt that i needed to do a catch up blog and let everyone know that we're still here, its just things have gotten a little crazy for right now. When we find out the sex, ill post about the baby.
Things between Master and myself are better than ever. He is the most amazing man and truly knows how to take care of me and give me what i need. One of the last posts i made was asking Him to use me for His pleasure and just asking for more because i felt that since i got pregnant i wasnt able to do enough for Him. He majorly delivered in a good way and im feeling much better and happy about things.
He treated me last night and made me feel so loved and special and very much like His lil one. It seemed like i had almost forgotten what it was like for Him to do what He wanted with no control coming from me. Last night was my first ever adventure into being tied up with rope and it was definitely interesting to say the least. Honestly, i never knew Master could tie me up the way He did. It was crazy though because He brought out the toys and it has been soooo long since my boobs have been smacked and spanked and just tortured. My hands offered slight protection, but not much. If i tried to protect them, my pussy would get spanked. It was hard to choose the lesser of two evils, but to be honest i wouldnt have had any other way last night.
So....aside from Master and i getting back to ourselves i have been dealing with school. It has been a battle for me in between feeling sick and not wanting to go to class for a few days and keeping up with everything. Luckily most days at work i am able to work on my school work and get a good bit of it done so that i can just spend time with Master while im at home at night. It's good...right now im looking at A's and B's. My psychology class i bombed the midterm so now im trying to do my best to achieve that high B that i know i can get. Master actually wasnt upset about me failing the midterm, but told me that as long as i tried my best that i would be alright. He surprises me because when im hardest on myself, He says that as long as i tried my best and did what i could to do my best that He wouldnt be upset with me. Its amazing having a wonderful motivator behind me helping me to finish school. Im not sure if i want to take a full load yet this summer, but i know for sure that im taking classes. I may take as many as i can now so that i can spend time with the baby when it comes around fall semester.
Oh, speaking of baby, for those of you that have read that Master and i are expecting....we have an update..We still dont know the sex of the baby yet (sucks for me and that was a big fiasco at the doctors office in and of itself) but we find out in about 2 1/2 weeks time frame. Im so excited and Master and i cant wait to find out if our hunch is right that we're having a boy. Everyone keeps laughing and asking how we know, but between the both of us its just this unexplainable feeling that it's a boy. I cant really explain it, but i just know that this baby is a boy by how it feels and how ive been feeling. If you go on the heartbeat, it says boy too. Our last appointment the nurse had to chase the baby around to find the heartbeat but once she got it, it was 139. So based off that, it says that its a boy too. Oh well, guess we have to wait a few more weeks to find out. For now Master and i are just looking at gender neutral clothes and stocking up on diapers and wipes since our baby's room is already ready and waiting for them to come home.
Sorry to bore everyone with this blog, but i felt that i needed to do a catch up blog and let everyone know that we're still here, its just things have gotten a little crazy for right now. When we find out the sex, ill post about the baby.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Feelings of some sort....
Today has been a good day :) It is so amazing to just be able to relax and enjoy spending time with Master. Today was the first time in a week that we have both been able to just sleep and do things on our schedule. All this week i have been on the run with work and Master has been sick. He's finally feeling better and i am almost over whatever little thing that i caught too.
So i guess the reason for writing this is about my feelings...oddly enough since the title happens to be "feelings of some sort". It's weird, but i think lately i have felt so out of it. To be honest, i dont feel like myself submissively. The other day i had the worst moment ever. Master was feeling sick and He ended up going to sleep early while i was still out visiting with a friend(i had stayed longer than i had planned). I got upset about it, and must admit i even was partially mad at Him at the same time, but it was like i was fighting myself at the same time. The rebel in me wanted to scream and shout at Him how mad i was that He had fallen asleep without me, but the submissive side at me knew that He hadnt been feeling good and i was more upset that i had let myself down. To me, i felt like a failure that i hadnt taken care of Him very well because i wasnt home and He is always there with me when i get ready to go to sleep to rub my back or just snuggle with me. Needless to say, we talked about it and i explained how i felt after He woke up and realized i was home.
That whole situation was a win for me partially because i didnt go with my rebel side and yell and wake Master up. He understood how i felt and wasnt mad at me for being upset that He had fallen asleep on me. So now that that issue is out of the way, there is another issue that im struggling with. Reading on several blogs that i follow, i see how they are experiencing numerous things. Now i know that with that everyone experiences things differently, but at the same time i find myself missing things. It's like its missing from our life and i know that Master is taking great pains to take care of me because a lot of days i can go from being completely fine one second to puking my guts up the next courtesy of our little baby that has taken up residence in my belly. It's just sometimes i miss it and im not quite sure how to come right out and ask for it just yet.
The weird thing was that tonight Master and i were watching a movie and He started spanking me playfully. It hurt, but at the same time felt so good to me. To be honest, i feel like i need a good spanking and just a good session overall. My body is craving it and needs it since its been a while since ive had a good spanking and been played with like a fiddle. Reading a fellow bloggers post, i find myself craving a good spanking that leaves my butt red and sore and then Master getting so turned on that He uses His pussy. So i guess this is my way of putting my need out there to Master for a good hard use session. Our toys havent been played with in so long and i know that the only thing that is really fine to go inside me is Him because the toys dont yield(sorry if too graphic but its true cause of being preggo) I guess my mind is just wanting to find some way to ask Him for a good spanking and a good use session because i want to squirt for Him again. He's made me do it before and id love to do it more for Him. To be honest, im not sure how much i could squirt if i really just let go. Im up for trying with Him though :) Oh well....wish me luck. Im off to go snuggle with my Master.
So i guess the reason for writing this is about my feelings...oddly enough since the title happens to be "feelings of some sort". It's weird, but i think lately i have felt so out of it. To be honest, i dont feel like myself submissively. The other day i had the worst moment ever. Master was feeling sick and He ended up going to sleep early while i was still out visiting with a friend(i had stayed longer than i had planned). I got upset about it, and must admit i even was partially mad at Him at the same time, but it was like i was fighting myself at the same time. The rebel in me wanted to scream and shout at Him how mad i was that He had fallen asleep without me, but the submissive side at me knew that He hadnt been feeling good and i was more upset that i had let myself down. To me, i felt like a failure that i hadnt taken care of Him very well because i wasnt home and He is always there with me when i get ready to go to sleep to rub my back or just snuggle with me. Needless to say, we talked about it and i explained how i felt after He woke up and realized i was home.
That whole situation was a win for me partially because i didnt go with my rebel side and yell and wake Master up. He understood how i felt and wasnt mad at me for being upset that He had fallen asleep on me. So now that that issue is out of the way, there is another issue that im struggling with. Reading on several blogs that i follow, i see how they are experiencing numerous things. Now i know that with that everyone experiences things differently, but at the same time i find myself missing things. It's like its missing from our life and i know that Master is taking great pains to take care of me because a lot of days i can go from being completely fine one second to puking my guts up the next courtesy of our little baby that has taken up residence in my belly. It's just sometimes i miss it and im not quite sure how to come right out and ask for it just yet.
The weird thing was that tonight Master and i were watching a movie and He started spanking me playfully. It hurt, but at the same time felt so good to me. To be honest, i feel like i need a good spanking and just a good session overall. My body is craving it and needs it since its been a while since ive had a good spanking and been played with like a fiddle. Reading a fellow bloggers post, i find myself craving a good spanking that leaves my butt red and sore and then Master getting so turned on that He uses His pussy. So i guess this is my way of putting my need out there to Master for a good hard use session. Our toys havent been played with in so long and i know that the only thing that is really fine to go inside me is Him because the toys dont yield(sorry if too graphic but its true cause of being preggo) I guess my mind is just wanting to find some way to ask Him for a good spanking and a good use session because i want to squirt for Him again. He's made me do it before and id love to do it more for Him. To be honest, im not sure how much i could squirt if i really just let go. Im up for trying with Him though :) Oh well....wish me luck. Im off to go snuggle with my Master.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Just for You Master :)
This has been the most amazing day ever and I find myself in shock more and more everyday that I am with Master. He is the most amazing man in the world and i couldnt ask for a better husband, Master, and soon to be father. He is the man of my dreams and i am thankful that God placed us in each other's lives everyday.
These past few days i have been sick and i know that i am miserable to be around when im sick because i turn into even more of a baby then usual. You are amazing though because you take everything in stride and always do your best to make sure that i am comfortable and even more so now. On top of that, you also comfort me when im not sure if peanut is okay or not and just help to ease my fears. I honestly wouldnt dream of having a better person to have there for me when im at my absolute worst other than you.
Its hard to believe that its been almost two years since we have started talking and became Master and lil one(okay almost is still two months away but still). In a world where things for me were shifting and beyond my control, you brought the control back to me. You let things move at my pace and didnt push me to be that doormat submissive that other "Doms" had done. Hearing things from my past that would make anybody cringe, You didnt turn to run but instead grabbed me up in Your arms and just held me tight letting me know that i was safe and ALWAYS would be. It has always been Your love and caring side that has let me know that You are an amazing Master because you truly know how to take care of Your submissive. Thank you so much Master for the amazing time that we have spent together so far and i look forward to the years to come to see where we go with the lifestyle.
On that note, I have to say something that has been bugging at me lately. Well not so much bugging, but i feel the need to let you know something that i cant figure out how to put into words or come straight out and tell you yet. That will stay take a little time before i can just come to You and say flat out "Master i need _____ " so i hope that You will bear with me on this. Lately i have felt that there has been a good amount of time between You enjoying Your lil one. In the past i have never been one to ask for sex, but i find myself wanting it and craving it everyday(it must be the hormones talking cause it seems like i cant get enough lately and i definitely dont want to seem greedy). In the beginning, my body was telling me that it just wasnt comfortable with anything sexual, but now that i have experienced it i know that i definitely want it and can handle it. The first time that we had sex since i got pregnant was soooo amazing that i want to experience it as much as possible. The one night that You just began kissing me and took what was Yours was sooo amazing that i find myself wanting more of that. Having as much time together as we have and the history together that we have, i trust You Master and i know that You can read my body way better than i can. Please use me Master!!! My body craves it and needs it. I need You to take Your pussy and use it and just make it cum and squirt for You like You did once before. I never knew that i could squirt and i want to do some more for You....Your tongue so amazing that i long to feel it so much all over my clit and just teasing me until You cant take it anymore and then You plunge into Your soaking wet pussy.
Hopefully this can express my need to You and how i feel about things. Since it is getting into the second trimester, i am feeling much better and find myself not feeling nauseous very much. So please Master if You feel like You need it, please use me. It lets me know that even though im pregnant that i can still do something for You without getting worn out to where i cant keep up with my normal tasks or do them because they are a health risk(like cleaning the whole house every weekend like i wanted to)
HAPPY
VALENTINE'S
DAY
MASTER!!!!!!!
These past few days i have been sick and i know that i am miserable to be around when im sick because i turn into even more of a baby then usual. You are amazing though because you take everything in stride and always do your best to make sure that i am comfortable and even more so now. On top of that, you also comfort me when im not sure if peanut is okay or not and just help to ease my fears. I honestly wouldnt dream of having a better person to have there for me when im at my absolute worst other than you.
Its hard to believe that its been almost two years since we have started talking and became Master and lil one(okay almost is still two months away but still). In a world where things for me were shifting and beyond my control, you brought the control back to me. You let things move at my pace and didnt push me to be that doormat submissive that other "Doms" had done. Hearing things from my past that would make anybody cringe, You didnt turn to run but instead grabbed me up in Your arms and just held me tight letting me know that i was safe and ALWAYS would be. It has always been Your love and caring side that has let me know that You are an amazing Master because you truly know how to take care of Your submissive. Thank you so much Master for the amazing time that we have spent together so far and i look forward to the years to come to see where we go with the lifestyle.
On that note, I have to say something that has been bugging at me lately. Well not so much bugging, but i feel the need to let you know something that i cant figure out how to put into words or come straight out and tell you yet. That will stay take a little time before i can just come to You and say flat out "Master i need _____ " so i hope that You will bear with me on this. Lately i have felt that there has been a good amount of time between You enjoying Your lil one. In the past i have never been one to ask for sex, but i find myself wanting it and craving it everyday(it must be the hormones talking cause it seems like i cant get enough lately and i definitely dont want to seem greedy). In the beginning, my body was telling me that it just wasnt comfortable with anything sexual, but now that i have experienced it i know that i definitely want it and can handle it. The first time that we had sex since i got pregnant was soooo amazing that i want to experience it as much as possible. The one night that You just began kissing me and took what was Yours was sooo amazing that i find myself wanting more of that. Having as much time together as we have and the history together that we have, i trust You Master and i know that You can read my body way better than i can. Please use me Master!!! My body craves it and needs it. I need You to take Your pussy and use it and just make it cum and squirt for You like You did once before. I never knew that i could squirt and i want to do some more for You....Your tongue so amazing that i long to feel it so much all over my clit and just teasing me until You cant take it anymore and then You plunge into Your soaking wet pussy.
Hopefully this can express my need to You and how i feel about things. Since it is getting into the second trimester, i am feeling much better and find myself not feeling nauseous very much. So please Master if You feel like You need it, please use me. It lets me know that even though im pregnant that i can still do something for You without getting worn out to where i cant keep up with my normal tasks or do them because they are a health risk(like cleaning the whole house every weekend like i wanted to)
HAPPY
VALENTINE'S
DAY
MASTER!!!!!!!
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