Honestly, when i first started this blog it was originally about me learning how to communicate with Master and a place for me to be open about my feelings. It has been nine years since the two of us came together and our communication has increased (in my opinion) by light years compared to where it was. Although there are times right now where it is hard to communicate what i want/need and how i am feeling. This is more to my mental health struggles than anything.
i'm going to open up (if i havent already mentioned it in a previous post) and come out and say that i struggle with both anxiety and depression which is a side effect of my abusive childhood as well as growing up with a narcissistic parent and military verbal/emotional abuse. It's left it's mark and i find that there are better days than others. Lately though it seems that the bad days are becoming more frequent and that scares me. i had been taking medication previously, however i had to come off the first one due to it affecting my sexual drive and causing major insomnia. Then the second medication i tried caused massively vivid nightmares to the point i felt like i was actually experiencing it first hand. Both these medications were the same class and the next option suggested by the lovely healthcare system was another med from the same class. i refused to try it due to 2 others already not working and having massive side effects that made me want to deal with my anxiety/depression over the side effects. Now i've been having to deal with it on my own and i think that is partially the reason for struggling so much more these past few months or so.
It hits me hard when it hits and sometimes it feels crushing, which is one of those moments right now. As i'm typing this i'm dying to go upstairs and wake Master up because it feels like the weight of the world is crushing me. But the anxiety cripples me because i know He needs His sleep for work and i know He has His own worries and fears. i also dont want Him to think i cant handle being a parent especially since we are wanting to try for another one in the very near future. It's not His fault i have all of this going on and sometimes i wonder if He wishes He had someone who wasnt so broken (cue the tears falling down my face as i write that) to be with instead of me. i also wonder if my kids deserve a mom who doesnt go from 100 to 0 in a split second and can have a happy medium. Kills me to know i'm not there for them like i truly want to be (cue tears again).
Today started out great and i was so proud of myself for getting a good bit accomplished. Then it came to a screeching halt with a text message. Work gave me the choice of working same nights as Master or opposite shift. It has been a crushing decision because it comes with pros and cons on both sides. There is a sitter we use who we had talked about the changes with and the kids staying overnight. Well we thought of trying to find a sitter for overnight and then we could keep the kiddos schedule the same during the day. However, our sitter saw my post and now seems upset. It crushes me to know that i possibly screwed things up and upset our sitter by the post and i just dont know how to respond. My anxiety is at an all time high and i hate that all it took was a single text message and i'm sure the sitter didnt even mean to. It's just hard trying to figure out the right thing to do in this situation as we're willing to pay more for our kids to stay in our house overnight and stay at the sitter on their schedule, but then idk. There's so many choices to make and i feel like any of them cause someone to be upset :(
i honestly hate my anxiety/depression at this very moment and i think it is time for me to look into a dr appointment with my outside dr to get some new meds to help this. i dont think i can keep fighting like this and having such extreme highs and extreme lows. It's not fair to Master or our kids to have to deal with this....
i think the other major thing that really affects all this is i'm still struggling with not really having any friends who live close enough to me that are in the lifestyle that i can talk to about everything. It's just harder when you dont have a friend to go and grab drinks or do things with. Maybe this feeling will change since Master and i will be back on the same schedule in a little over a month's time. i'm honestly just ready to get back to being lil one and not this shell of a person i feel like some days.
Sunday, October 20, 2019
Thursday, October 10, 2019
Struggling....
This is extremely hard for me to write because i hate to admit that i'm struggling, but i truly am today. It feels like my mental health demons are getting into my head and i hate it. It is even harder becuase today is one of the days that i get to spend time with one of my littles while Master sleeps. This is nothing against Master as He is an amazing man and i can't interrupt His sleep because He needs it to be able to work tonight, especially if things get any kind of crazy (one can never tell with His job). i hate days like today where they make me feel like i'm not a good mother, good lil one, or even a good person in general (which i know isnt true but my head doesnt let me believe it).
This morning seemed fine when i woke up and took one little to school. Came home and took another short cat nap until the other little woke up. Since then it is like i am fighting a constant war with my own self and i feel like i'm doing it alone. This morning it occurred to me that i have people that i talk to, but i dont really have a close friend that can understand everything i'm going thru and i can message anytime. It's even harder because we are all by ourselves out here with no family to go visit and talk to and my closest family is about 6-8 hrs away or 18-24hrs away. Honestly the biggest struggle so far is just the aching loneliness. It is so deep and dark that words cant even begin to express just how much there is a need. i had a friend that understood everything and would have understood the career struggles, but that changed when i took time off nursing school and they graduated. i dont know if Master feels the same as me sometimes with the loneliness, but i definitely do. Dont really have anyone i can tell everything to or family to visit and it's starting to wear on me. Thought i would have someone with my newfound sister, but now i'm not so sure.
Yesterday was a good day and i got to spend time with Master and the littles, but i dont feel it's enough. On top of that, i love my job but part of me still has that drive to go and finish nursing school that i started. i loved nursing and it is a much better living wage for our family. We would definitely be able to afford things even better than we can now. But it's hard because Master wants to go back to school (and i absolutely want Him to do that because He deserves it because He has put it on hold while i did my schooling). i loved it and part of me feels it wouldnt be as emotionally and mentally draining as the work i do right now, but then i cant know for sure. It's just the current work environment has me feeling like i should have pushed and took the option of going back to school instead of working.
Just feel like i'm stuck in a spot and cant go one way or the other. On top of all of that i'm working opposite of Master completely both in working day shift and working His opposite day shift. Work is long hours and it is hard, but it's even harder that i dont get to enjoy the same days off as Him. :( We need the money especially with wanting to buy a house in the near future, but part of me feels that i'm not happy where i am. There's a lot of bullying by coworkers and i feel like that drama should have been left in high school. It's just hard to have good days where the coworkers dont seem to mind you and then others where it's like everything you do is wrong and you cant do anything right no matter how hard you try. The benefits at this company are worth it and the wages arent bad, but at what point do you say enough is enough. i know i wont quit until i have another source of income coming in, especially with our new purchase....i love the job but i wonder if it is sustainable long term and can provide enough of an income that we can purchase a house and still be able to do things together as a family without scraping pennies together like we have done in the past. i dont want to go back to that, but i also feel like i dont want to stay where we are at right now.
All these feelings may just be the hormones talking, but i hate feeling like this because i feel it takes me away from the people i love the most...Master and my littles. It makes me feel like i'm not totally there for them. Honestly i feel like that depression med commercial where they put up the fake happy face for others until they get meds. i was on meds previously but they were giving me horrible nightmares or caused crazy insomnia and no sexual desire. Unfortunately the dr only wanted to do the same class of meds and after 2 failed meds in same class it wasnt going to work. i'm struggling and they dont want to help....part of me feels maybe it's worth it to deal with the nightmares if it means i can feel like myself again. But i also have a new doc i could reach out to and see if they could do something for me....tears come to my eyes right now because i can barely muster up the ability to get up off the couch to do laundry and i wanted to cook nice surprise dinner for Master but i cant even do that 😢😢😢😢😢 i feel like such a failure right now and it hurts sooo bad. Thankfully i know these feelings will pass, but i also know if they get to bad i can wake Master up early and explain things to Him.
On top of all of this, i am DESPERATELY wanting another little. It's been hard on me because we planned to have one after i graduated nursing school which would have been this past May. However, now we are pushing it back even further by at least another year. It is killing me because i would love to have another little and love the idea of being pregnant and being a mom, but at the same time we know i am high-risk and with wanting to buy a house/move in less than a year i wont be able to help with any of that if i am pregnant. Then my job doesn't offer maternity leave so i have to save up all my time that i can to get time off with the baby and to plan in the event that something were to happen. Granted they do have a bank that you can pull from for things like cancer and such, but i would hate to need that. It is just so hard and i'm struggling because it feels like everything stems from me dropping out of nursing school a year ago....If i had gone through with it, i would be working a nursing job with better pay, we could get into a house for sure, i could have benefits to try for a baby, i would have a friend to talk to and meet up with about things, and the list goes on. Just feeling like a lonely failure i guess. :'(
Then add into it that we dont get as much time together as Master and lil one due to my schedule and His. :( Just feel so disconnected/not like myself....i know He tries a lot but it is hard between crazy schedules and taking care of littles and getting them from sitter/take to sitter and other things....
Just feeling like life is getting to me right now. Praying that these feelings will ease up because i hate this.
This morning seemed fine when i woke up and took one little to school. Came home and took another short cat nap until the other little woke up. Since then it is like i am fighting a constant war with my own self and i feel like i'm doing it alone. This morning it occurred to me that i have people that i talk to, but i dont really have a close friend that can understand everything i'm going thru and i can message anytime. It's even harder because we are all by ourselves out here with no family to go visit and talk to and my closest family is about 6-8 hrs away or 18-24hrs away. Honestly the biggest struggle so far is just the aching loneliness. It is so deep and dark that words cant even begin to express just how much there is a need. i had a friend that understood everything and would have understood the career struggles, but that changed when i took time off nursing school and they graduated. i dont know if Master feels the same as me sometimes with the loneliness, but i definitely do. Dont really have anyone i can tell everything to or family to visit and it's starting to wear on me. Thought i would have someone with my newfound sister, but now i'm not so sure.
Yesterday was a good day and i got to spend time with Master and the littles, but i dont feel it's enough. On top of that, i love my job but part of me still has that drive to go and finish nursing school that i started. i loved nursing and it is a much better living wage for our family. We would definitely be able to afford things even better than we can now. But it's hard because Master wants to go back to school (and i absolutely want Him to do that because He deserves it because He has put it on hold while i did my schooling). i loved it and part of me feels it wouldnt be as emotionally and mentally draining as the work i do right now, but then i cant know for sure. It's just the current work environment has me feeling like i should have pushed and took the option of going back to school instead of working.
Just feel like i'm stuck in a spot and cant go one way or the other. On top of all of that i'm working opposite of Master completely both in working day shift and working His opposite day shift. Work is long hours and it is hard, but it's even harder that i dont get to enjoy the same days off as Him. :( We need the money especially with wanting to buy a house in the near future, but part of me feels that i'm not happy where i am. There's a lot of bullying by coworkers and i feel like that drama should have been left in high school. It's just hard to have good days where the coworkers dont seem to mind you and then others where it's like everything you do is wrong and you cant do anything right no matter how hard you try. The benefits at this company are worth it and the wages arent bad, but at what point do you say enough is enough. i know i wont quit until i have another source of income coming in, especially with our new purchase....i love the job but i wonder if it is sustainable long term and can provide enough of an income that we can purchase a house and still be able to do things together as a family without scraping pennies together like we have done in the past. i dont want to go back to that, but i also feel like i dont want to stay where we are at right now.
All these feelings may just be the hormones talking, but i hate feeling like this because i feel it takes me away from the people i love the most...Master and my littles. It makes me feel like i'm not totally there for them. Honestly i feel like that depression med commercial where they put up the fake happy face for others until they get meds. i was on meds previously but they were giving me horrible nightmares or caused crazy insomnia and no sexual desire. Unfortunately the dr only wanted to do the same class of meds and after 2 failed meds in same class it wasnt going to work. i'm struggling and they dont want to help....part of me feels maybe it's worth it to deal with the nightmares if it means i can feel like myself again. But i also have a new doc i could reach out to and see if they could do something for me....tears come to my eyes right now because i can barely muster up the ability to get up off the couch to do laundry and i wanted to cook nice surprise dinner for Master but i cant even do that 😢😢😢😢😢 i feel like such a failure right now and it hurts sooo bad. Thankfully i know these feelings will pass, but i also know if they get to bad i can wake Master up early and explain things to Him.
On top of all of this, i am DESPERATELY wanting another little. It's been hard on me because we planned to have one after i graduated nursing school which would have been this past May. However, now we are pushing it back even further by at least another year. It is killing me because i would love to have another little and love the idea of being pregnant and being a mom, but at the same time we know i am high-risk and with wanting to buy a house/move in less than a year i wont be able to help with any of that if i am pregnant. Then my job doesn't offer maternity leave so i have to save up all my time that i can to get time off with the baby and to plan in the event that something were to happen. Granted they do have a bank that you can pull from for things like cancer and such, but i would hate to need that. It is just so hard and i'm struggling because it feels like everything stems from me dropping out of nursing school a year ago....If i had gone through with it, i would be working a nursing job with better pay, we could get into a house for sure, i could have benefits to try for a baby, i would have a friend to talk to and meet up with about things, and the list goes on. Just feeling like a lonely failure i guess. :'(
Then add into it that we dont get as much time together as Master and lil one due to my schedule and His. :( Just feel so disconnected/not like myself....i know He tries a lot but it is hard between crazy schedules and taking care of littles and getting them from sitter/take to sitter and other things....
Just feeling like life is getting to me right now. Praying that these feelings will ease up because i hate this.
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