Admission of guilt

    So the title of this post says it all....i have an admission of guilt and im not sure how to admit this to Master, so i guess here is as good as any place. Part of my new rules is that for my school work He has a copy of all my deadlines and i have to let Him know when things are due. This is partially because my brain has been kind of scattered since i had the baby and it helps me keep on top of my school work while keeping Him in the loop. There is a planner that i have written all my due dates and projects and papers and just everything needed for all my classes.
    Here is where the admission comes in....like i mentioned above He knows about all my school stuff. Taking 4 classes can keep me pretty busy, on top of the fact that i am a new mother and taking care of our little one, and most recently started back to work, on top of dealing with my illness coming back. More news on that in a minute. But i have to admit that i missed a quiz in my statistics class. The deadline happened the second night i was at work and i was so exhausted from the night before that i had no time to get on and take care of that quiz. There is no reason that i should have missed it because it should have been taken care of before i went to work. The night before when i was getting my body used to working nights, i should have been working on that instead of playing mario or looking up kitchen tables. It was a mistake on my part that i have learned from. So tonight, i am doing nothing but homework with a sociology paper due tomorrow, statistics quiz due tonight, sociology quiz due tonight, english discussions due monday, statistics project due monday. There is a lot to get done and i can only blame myself because i have been slacking on it and putting it off just because i want to.
     So work lately has been crazy. Just starting back to work, i am back to working 12-13hr shifts and am working nights. The bad part is that i found out the day before that i was going to be working nights so that i had no time to get used to staying up throughout the night. Although the good part of that is that on my days off, i can work on my homework becuase our little one sleeps through the night. She is doing so well at sleeping and is starting to sleep for about 5 hour stretches, which is plenty of time to work on homework. But the crazy part is that im only supposed to be doing admin type work, but they have me violating the doctors orders and helping search trucks. Well needless to say i complained about it and they werent too happy that they got their butts chewed for messing up. The whole group that i work with got briefed about taking things outside our work group.
      It's frustrating and i hate that i have to go back to work because to be honest i feel like im missing out so much on my little girl's life. Yesterday was the first time i was able to really snuggle with her and feed her because she was either sleeping or i was sleeping because i had to get ready for work. She is growing so much and i cant believe it, but i hate the fact that i have to miss out on a lot working this schedule. Master is good though and is sending me pictures and videos while im at work and can bring her by if i miss her too much, but it still sucks to kill that much time waiting to get home to her.
     Well i guess that's all there is to say. Master wants some taco bell and that sounds really good for dinner, so im off to pick it up for the both of us. Wish me luck because im sure ill get a punishment out of missing a quiz because that is going to effect this grade in my statistics class because i now have a zero in it :( Hopefully i can make that up with everything else. This is the hardest load semester i have so i may not blog too much on here too often in trying to keep up with homework, meeting Master's needs, taking care of our little one, and working. Wish me luck i dont go insane before i can be taken out of this career.

Confusion and feeling lost

    Okay so normally my post have some sort of lifestyle application to them, but not this time. This more a post of putting my feelings out there in a place where i am comfortable doing so and know that it is safe.
    Today was an early start to the day with me going to another doctor's appointment this morning. Since i had our little one, my symptoms are starting to come back. I have been noticing more frequent occurances of side pain, although i dont say much until it gets too bad because i have learned to deal with it. Ive also started noticing that my back is hurting more like it did before, but i try to ignore it because there is so much that needs to be done and i thought it was just from the pregnancy and all the bedrest. Well this doctor's appointment went much the same as the last, with the doctor basically telling me that everything was caused by me being either depressed or it was caused by gas from being lactose intolerant.
    It is very hard to hear from a doctor when you are trying to explain that the pain started before you got pregnant, tell you that it could be caused by gas or being lactose intolerant or being mentally/emotionally/spiritually unbalanced. The gas or the lactose intolerant is fine but to be told that i need some mental/emotional help is just wrong and hard to swallow. I am not mentally/emotionally unstable and definitely that is not what is causing my pain. That has been ruled out on multiple occasions by the mental health people and also by the test they had me do to officially rule out that i wasnt depressed. I am depressed now, but that is from the pregnancy and not my sickness.
    Anyways, the doctor basically told me today that i needed to have a colonoscopy done, urine collection to rule out a kidney infection or stones, ultrasound and cts of my abdomen to check that out, see a rhumatologist at some future date, and to speak with mental health because my problem is mental/emotiona;/spirtual based. I mean who needs to hear that! On top of that wonderful news, I went to work and had to get my maternity leave signed off on. Come to find out, i have to get a different doctor than my ob to sign off on it and then they will talk about my time off once my maternity leave is up. It makes me wonder if they are going to turn it down after, which will piss me off because its not like im doing anything anyways other than going to my doctors appointments and trying to make sure that im taken care of with what work needs from me.
    It is just disheartening to be told everything that i did this morning. Maybe its just the whole emotions going off right now from the pregnancy but it really upsets me and makes me feel worthless. Everything that i have tried today was wrong and its like i screwed it all up. I just wish for once things would go right...but have to stop for now because the little one is waking up and i dont want her to wake Master up especially after He didnt get to sleep until almost 7 this morning :(

Waiting.....and waiting...

    So this weekend has posed an interesting dilemma. Master and i have had an agreement that i would start wearing my thongs when im wearing a skirt and my shorts because they have not caused an issue and dont interfere with rubbing or making anything feel raw. These past couple times that i have worn my skirts and shorts, i have put on regular underware. Admittedly, Saturday was i just didnt feel like putting on a thong in the type of skirt that i was wearing because it seemed that it would show. However, Master noticed i wasnt wearing the correct underware when we were on our way up to visit family this weekend. He immediately told me that i would be punished for not wearing the correct underware. My stomach was in knots and did flips when He said this because it has been so long since i have been punished for anything.
     Master saw the look on my face when He told me i was being punished and i felt the churning...He told me that i had all weekend to stew because it would be a few days before He would punish me for that. My stomach has been in knots because im trying to figure out when He's going to punish me and how and just ready to get it over with. Last night i found myself wishing that He would punish me then and then fuck me while i was wearing my skirt. It was one of the few things that makes me feel sexy and hot to Him. Since i have had our lil penguin, i have felt that my body is too scared and ugly from the stretch marks and extra skin that i have from my stretched out belly. Although i am glad that i didnt make  it the full length of the pregnancy because it would look a lot worse than it does right now.
     Anyways.....ive thought about it a lot and i definitely deserve to be punished and just hate waiting for it. Im impatient and waiting the whole weekend and last night killed me. But enough of that....Master and i had sex for only the second time ever since ive had the baby and gotten out of the hospital. The first time was mindblowing and felt so good to finally have Him inside me and fucking me like He did. He had worked me up to a frenzy to where i was to the point of begging Him to fuck me. It felt amazing because i had gone so long without feeling His expert hands massaging that g spot or fucking me in and out and then feeling His cock moving in and out of my wet pussy. He really knows how to play my buttons and He made it so special to have sex again.
    Last night was even more amazing than the last time. Master was kissing me and playing with me and within a few minutes i was begging Him to fuck me. He had played with me earlier in the night and by the time He played with me again i was soaking with need. He really does know how to play His lil one like a fiddle and i love it. I find myself honestly wanting some more tonight and wishing for more play with our toys. It has been so long since we played with them that i kind of missed them along with Master. On top of that our lil one has been sleeping for longer stretches so it is getting easier to get time to ourselves. To be honest, i feel like a sex hungry maniac because i crave it every night, but im not sure if Master is up to it. I mean how do you do that??? Do you just go up and ask Him to play or just start rubbing on Him?? This is something new to me and i feel like im having to dip back into things again. Guess ill try and see how it goes.

Ranting and raving all about family....

    This past weekend has been crazy hectic and just full of family time and running around to various places and trying to take care of a slightly sick lil penguin on top of it and Master's grandmother. Lets just say that me and His grandmother dont get along very well anymore and now it is pretty much tolerating her because we dont want to exclude his grandfather from seeing our lil penguin.
    So i have to get this out of my system about the family and all because if not i feel i will go insane. Master's grandmother is more of a tolerance now because she has said a lot of things about me and i just cant deal with them anymore. Shortly after Master and i had our wedding ceremony, we went to His niece's birthday party. Everything seemed fine and she had been so nice to me as Master and i got to know each other and after i got back from my job training. Come to find out she was talking about me at the birthday party. She went up to His ex and was asking her "dont you miss Him? dont you want to get back together with Him? why dont you get back together with Him" and other comments like that after the two of US were married!!! Then to add insult to injury once we found out we were pregnant she went and bought a crib and all sorts of clothes without even asking us about it. We went up to visit and i explained that we had set the crib up and that my parents had bought it because it was a family tradition for us. The look on her face was priceless as she just seemed shocked that we had a crib and made that we already had one and that my parents had bought it. Master's grandfather on the other hand asked us if there was anything else that we needed instead and whatever it was they would get it for us. He is the only reason that i put up or even go visit because he has always been kind and sweet to me and not said anything bad at all. So we told them a glider and then his grandfather told us he would get it because thats what we needed.
    The biggest straw was just recently when i gave birth to our lil penguin. My parents had been told from the beginning they were the first to see her because they hadnt been down here to witness the pregnancy and see me develop or even be present for the ultrasound or doctor visit where we found out the sex. Due to this, i felt that i wanted my parents to see her first and then Master's mother because they were the immediate family and then the rest of the family in whatever order. Because our lil penguin was born so early in the morning, no family was able to get there until later. My parents were on the road driving as i was pushing her out. Well anyways...His grandmother got there with His mother and grandfather and she assumed because she got there early she was going to get to see her first. Boy was she wrong...even though we had to wait for my family to get there, the decision still stood. So finally the time came after Master and i saw her to let the family go see her and each then He went up with each of them. My mother went first and i was telling them while they were in the room that my dad was next and then His mom and then His grandmother. When i said this, she got extremely upset and stormed out of the room. She was under the impression that i was going to let her in first since she had gotten there first that morning. Thankfully Master was able to explain the situation and she cooled off. It hurt me that she expected me to give her special privilages just because she was there early and other things.
     Then the latest straw is that she automatically assumed that Master and i were going to have our lil penguin dedicated at their church and had already made plans with the pastor and bought the dress. She didnt even discuss with us that we wanted to do it, but kept bugging Master about what sunday we were going to do the dedication. Master and i already had her dedicated while she was in the NICU by the same chaplain that had married the two of us. It was important to us that He be able to do it and He was able to. Anyways....it just made me mad that she didnt even ask us and then guilted Master into doing it. The only reason i did it and He did it was because it was for His grandfathers' benefit. The two of them were going to watch it. After having her dedication this weekend, i know it was worth it when His grandfather who hasnt preached in years led the prayer over her and His grandfather couldnt be prouder.
    THe last and most frustrating thing about her is she keeps giving us evil looks when we say something she doesnt like. Master has been used to her and knows how to filter her out, but i dont yet. She gave Him an evil look when we said that we didnt find a pair of stockings to put on her that she gave us(which we gave away to charity here because i dont want our daughter to wear a pair of used tights that we dont know where they came from). She has given me an evil look about 3-4 times now and basically coming across as if she is telling me that im a bad mother because she has mentioned how lil penguin's legs feel cold to her and that she can cover her up if i just hand her a blanket. When she says this i feel her feet because those are what we judge whether to cover her up most of the time because they get cold the fastest(her feet are like my feet and cold for the most part when in air conditioning and left out too long). All the times she says that, our lil penguin is perfectly fine and actually towards the warm side. When i tell her she's fine, she looks at me as if to say that shes upset because she thinks she needs to be covered. Sorry, but im not letting anyone other than me and Master parent our child.
     Yesterday Master and i were hesitant about who we let hold her because she is getting over being sick and we dont want her passed around to a lot of people that we dont know and also dont know if they're sick or just getting over being sick. With her being a preemie, her immune system is at more of a risk so we have to take some precautions for her. Anyways....she got upset because i wouldnt let one of her friends hold her yesterday during the service because i didnt know her. While out to eat, Master told me that she made a comment to His mother when she put lil penguin back in the car seat after soothing her for a minute that Master's mother had put her back just in the nick of time because as she put her back in the car seat i came around the corner. It seems she's upset with me because i dont let people feed her or hold her too much when she's asleep because it messes up her pattern. We let people hold her when she's awake because obviously thats the best time to see her and her personality as it develops. But to say that about me to His mother is like a WTF moment. Seriously?? You are going to talk bad about me like that in front of Master and His grandfather and mother...you have no class whatsoever.
    It is just nerve wracking because i am trying to be nice, but i also have to deal with her when we go to visit His grandfather and try to be nice so that he can see lil penguin. I guess i have to work on my patience...at least we dont have to visit too often because Master feels the same way about them that i do and we have the dedication out of the way. Now i get to focus on going back to school and getting myself better and taking care of Master and our lil penguin :D

Last night's fun

    Last night was absolutely amazing!!! Master and i played a little bit for the first time in a while. It felt so good for Master to be playing with my body and teasing and tormenting it as i writhed beneath His hands. For so long i have missed His touch and just how well He plays and knows my body.
     After struggling with my dilemma in the shower and then deciding to take off my underware so i was just in my tshirt and shorts, i felt even more submissive. To be honest i feel bad that i havent been following this little rule for a while until now, making excuses that they rubbed too much or this or that, because i was capable of doing it. In my mind, i feel that i was just trying to get out of doing it because i felt that things between us were slipping at the time as far as Master and me because we werent really doing anything with the lifestyle anymore. He had stopped really playing with me like He used to with our toys, occasionally tying me up, didnt really enforce the rules that much anymore because He was afraid that He would hurt me or make my sickness worse. It wasnt either of our faults, but i felt that we lost sight of who we are and the lifestyle side of our relationship and got into the routine of living a vanilla life. Now we are slowly starting to get back to who we were before i got sick and when we first met.
     Laying in bed with Him last night, i was sure He was going to know that i wasnt wearing any underware especially after the blog post that i did last night. It was an amazing feeling laying there in just a tshirt and shorts as i felt His hands gliding over my body. They dipped down into my shorts and He was shocked as i felt His hands move from side to side looking for the line from my underware that is usually at the top of my stomach. They found nothing and He voiced that to me. He was shocked and it led to a very hot time. Master started playing with my boobs and then pushing His fingers in and out of my pussy, playing it like a fiddle. Before long i was heated up, but He wanted me to suck Him. As i continued to suck, He grabbed my head and made it go faster. The whole time i felt myself dipping more and more into my old submissive self. He came and i felt a twinge of guilt and selfishness because i had wanted Him to fuck me. This was something that i had been denied before, but i was looking forward to it so much because i felt that my body is finally healed to where we can fully have sex again because the last time we tried it hurt.
     After finishing off Master, i was flipped over onto my back and felt the most amazing feeling in the world---Master's tongue all over my pussy. He was licking and sucking and biting and nibbling and just sending my body into ecstasy. There was no better feeling and before long i heard the two words that i longed to hear "Cum now!" as He pushed me to the brink of orgasm. It felt so good and i really felt like i was starting to get back to myself.
     A part of me feels selfish today because i kind of want to have sex with Master every chance i get, really every day if it's possible. There is just something about connecting with Him and just hearing that growl in my ear or hearing Him call me "His slut" or saying how wet i am and a variety of other things. I am tempted to ask that one night when the baby goes to sleep that we start playing because i crave a good long play session with spankings, being tied and teased, using our toys and Him fucking me sensless. We have already had one night where it came to the point that i was begging Him to fuck me and i long to have that night again. :) It is good to know that He is willing to do it as long as He is filling healthy and able. I feel though that i may need a spanking sometime soon because i feel that i have been bad having all these kinds of naughty thoughts and i havent stayed up to date on the laundry, especially since He hasnt had clean underware the past couple days and the dishes are stacked up in the kitchen. Oh well guess i have to wait to see what He thinks. Even if i dont get punished ofr that....im hoping for a maintenance spanking at the least. :) I wonder if i may be able to use the shower tonight? Master did say all i have to do is ask, but now the fun part is getting up the courage to ask...by using the showerhead i can help myself to make sure that i am fine enough to play later tonight  because id really love to play if He's up to it ;) I guess when you read this Master....can i please, please, please use the shower head tonight?

Trials and tribulations...

   Today has felt like the longest day in the world, especially after this weekend. After this weekend, both Master and i think that i may have post-partum depression so i am going to talk to someone to get some help. Things are starting to get way overwhelming with everything that i have to put onto my shoulders and bear. Master tells me all the time not to worry about a lot of it, but i cant help but worry. Growing up the way that i did, it is just a force of habit now and im not sure if it can ever be changed.
    Anyways, so this weekend i had a breakdown and if it wasnt for the fact that Master's family and my family were there, He would have come out of the bathroom to find a mental case in the corner sobbing and rocking back and forth. (for those of you wondering where baby was during all this, my sister was holding her and visiting with her) Oh i forgot to mention that all this had started late friday night with a baby that didnt want to go to sleep for four hours and then me not getting but maybe 3 hours sleep. She went to sleep about 4am and then i was up about 830-9 because i couldnt sleep without Master in the bed with me. We got up to get ready and leave to go take our family pictures and then when we got there Master and i got into a little disagreement. It wasnt an argument because i just got upset and at that point i just say ok and leave it alone cause i didnt want to go off and face a punishment spanking. We took pictures, with only bad part being she screamed bloody murder when they placed her on her stomach for one of the poses. She hates laying on her stomach....and then we bought the pictures and left. By yhis time she had only gotten about 40 minutes of sleep or so between her feeding at about 11am and our picture appointment was at 1pm. So we had a very overly cranky baby from no sleep and meeting family and staying awake with them later in the day. It led to me not sleeping very well at all :( despite changing her diaper, rocking her, rubbing her back, putting her in the swing. Last resort was in the little boppy sitting pillow and that worked wonders. She was asleep within 15 minutes.
     The next day was the baby shower we were supposed to have before she came home but had to move because she came early. The first thing that set me off was i wanted to sit on the floor that way other people could sit down while we opened gifts, but i HAD to sit in the chair. It pissed me off and then i had to deal with Master's grandmother calling his niece's name (imagine hearing Miney, Miney, Miney, Miney, Miney over and over again for about 5 minutes straight) and my grandmother getting upset because i told her nobody was picking up the baby while she was asleep in her swing after her not sleeping the night before. It made me mad that she was like "im not going to do any harm" and was going to try to pick her up anyway after i told her no again. It was hard because im trying to please other people, but i need to be nice for my daughter because she has no voice right now.
     While the shower was going on, my grandmother announced to everyone that she got the right to hold her because she had driven over 2000  miles to see her, when she had only driven up to my parents to see her. Everybody was asking about how things went with me and our daughter and she had to keep throwing her 2 cents in about how she did with my mom and aunt and how things were with them and all this. Basically making it to be about herself instead of about our daughter. She wouldnt let anybody else hold her and claimed her to herself. The only time anybody else got to hold her, mainly my mom, was when she went outside for a smoke or not sure what.
    Master's mom was getting ready to leave and gave me a hug and told me she was sorry for not buying the pak n play that she had talked about. Well i didnt want to lead her on, but i pulled her aside to let her know that we had one. She had already gotten a gift for her granddaughter and i felt that if she couldnt afford it, i didnt want her trying to scrape together and continuously pushing it off. Before i could even explain to her that she got enough for her and id rather he spend her money to visit her granddaughter, she yelled at me saying that it wasnt fair and that i had pissed her off. Master had just started working on the relationship with her so i felt that i had just killed it. He was in the bathroom when all this happened so i wiped my eyes because tears were falling by now and went back out. Everyone kept asking me if i was okay, so i changed my mind and retreated back into the bedroom that connected to the bathroom where Master was.
     After seeing that, i felt that i had screwed up so horribly and gave up trying to impress everyone.  It seemed that everything that happened and just how i was feeling overwhelmed me so bad that i just wanted to sit in the corner and hug myself because i had disappointed Master and He was surely going to hate me after i told Him what had happened. He came out and i explained what had happened and the tears that i had tried to hold it just kept falling and the sobs came out in the big heaving sobs because i was soooooo upset and knew that i had screwed up everything. To me, i felt that i had screwed up again just like i had been doing. He gently talked to me and explained that everything was okay and He definitely wasnt mad at me. He didnt know why she acted the way she did but that she didnt hate me.
     It was a rough day so im glad that Master and i are finally home...It was a long and exhausting weekend and i needed some Master and i time. It seems hard for us to just have time to ourselves even when we go up there because it is constantly us going to visit family because they want to see the baby and if not then we hear about it and it never stops the entire weekend. After this weekend, i feel somewhat connected with Master, but not as much as i do when i am my complete self.
    It is hard to want to ask Master for some play time at night when i dont ever know if i will suddenly get tired around bed time or how she will be. There is the very strong urge for play time and just to be reminded about the lifestlye and to be retrained because i know that i desperately need it. The last time Master said something  smart, i wanted to smart off or when He smacks me sometimes i just want to turn around and smack Him. The other night that i did, He definitely reminded me of my place by swiftly pulling me over His lap and reminding me that i am lil one and He is the Master.He is trying and i know He is basing everything off how i am feeling. I feel that for me, especially to keep me from breaking down until i can get in to talk to someone i need some play time. It lets  me know im His and that He still finds me irresistable.
     He played with His lil one the other night and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. To have my hands restrained, blindfolded, and Master using toys on me and His fingers was exquisite. He had me begging Him to fuck me and it is very rare that i do so. There was sooo much need and lust built up in me. The bad part is that He just played with me, so i still have that very strong urge and need for Him to use me. Only time will tell when it will happen but i cant wait when it does. I kind of hope that it goes like it did that night. It was extremely hot to have Master tie me up like that. Oh i also forgot the spanking that i got. My mind is a little foggy as to which instruments were used, but im sure that He used the toys i got Him. I can only hope to feel it again soon. Weird for me because i never would have wanted a spanking, but right a spanking is what keeps me grounded and lets me know that no matter what He cares for me and loves me.
    So on top of struggling with wanting to be fucked and played with and just have Master pleasure me with His tongue down there again for the first time in ages, i have been struggling with the rules. I am struggling with wearing the underware that He wants me to wear for certain outfits and then on top of that i found myself struggling for the first time with pleasuring myself in the shower. In my mind i was toying with the idea of using the shower head to have some fun and He would be none the wiser. The need and desire for pleasure was so strong that i was tempted to do it and in the back of my head, i almost allowed myself to do it but i stopped myself. I remembered the two rules to always be honest with Him and that i wasnt allowed to cum without His permission. That would be breaking two of the biggest rules and i dont even think i want to know what the consequences are. Although with this, what im getting to is that i am proud of myself for not disobeying MAster's rules on this although i have been disobeying the underware rule (not sure if i will be punished for breaking the underware rule or not). Today was my first day of connecting with my submissive side as i put on the old underware that Master has been wanting me to wear because it was what i used to wear at the beginning of our relationship until i got lazy and sick and just made excuses as to why i couldnt wear it. It felt amazing to follow those rules, but i wish i knew what Master would do if He knew. Would i get a reward for doing so well or just a good job? Who knows, but im sure at some point i will find out. I think for now, im going to go take care of a couple things and come back to bed and snuggle with Master. Even if i dont get rewarded, to me snuggling with Him is the best reward ever.

Fear

    Reading one of my books this morning, i came across a scene that got me thinking and crying at the same time. Lately i have felt that i have been out of sorts, not just with myself but Master too. A part of me wonders if it is just all the hormones changing and going back to the levels they were before, the baby blues, or just me making a big deal out of nothing.
    Our daughter has been home for five weeks now and i cant help but think that we are both so lucky to even have her here after everything we went through. Watching her sleep at night, i always find myself counting fingers and toes and just watching her breathe. My deepest fears come to life everytime i hear a little choke or watch her chest stop rising for a minute or so. It comes from deep inside me and i cant help but feel this way. Im so afraid that one minute that i am going to turn around and she stops breathing or something happens to her and i dont know it. She is our whole world and i am so afraid of losing her after everything we've been through that it scares me to my core.
    Seeing her sleeping and so peaceful and kissing her cheeks, i find myself counting every day as a miracle for her. She could have come into this world at 25 weeks instead of waiting until a little into 32 weeks. Thinking of all the hardships we had and the several times that i went into labor and i was forced to just sit through it and take all those medicines to relieve the pain. Did i do something that could end up harming her in the future, especially the day she was born because they had given me morphine and phengren and benadryl about 10 minutes before she came into the world. It would devastate me to know that she was hurt by something i took to help myself. It makes me feel like i was being selfish and not thinking about anyone but myself when it should be about her.
     We had to face her being in the NICU for a week, although it was supposed to be longer by the original doctor's account. She was supposed to have a breathing tube and a feeding tube and stay anywhere from four to six weeks, but she only needed a CPAP for a few hours and then was on oxygen after that for about a day. She was a fighter from the beginning, but despite that with everything she had it was still very sobering to watch your daughter have to have all sorts of tubes and wires running from  her. She had an iv, monitor wires, her hospital bands, and for a brief time the oxygen tubes. Not only that i had to let someone else take care of her for the first week of her life. We werent able to take her home and calm her when she cried or feed her when she got hungry. Granted, i did feed and change her the couple times that i could but it still felt odd and unreal.
    Kissing her cheek every night, Master laughs at me because i lavish kisses all over her. To me, she is our miracle baby and her birth mark is a testament to that. After the birth we noticed she had a red mark on her forehead and above one of her eyes. We found out that it is known as "Angel's kiss" or a more scientific name that i cant think of. To me, this name truly fits her because she was watched over by angels especially after my water broke and she was healthy and stayed in there for another week with no problems or infection.
     Before i got pregnant, i faced a lot of health concerns and it scares me that it feels like they are slowly coming back. Since ive been home, ive had chest pain and side pain and a new one--pain that radiates across my whole abdomen. Master jokes it off that it's not coming back(part of me thinks its because He's trying to reassure and ease my mind), but i cant help but feel that it is. We were playing a game with the kinect and i got worn out and my side was hurting horribly like it did before we got pregnant. With all those issues, i dont know if any of it will affect her and that i may have caused harm to her somehow by something i did. She was our miracle and i thank God every day for her.
     I guess the best that i can say is that i am struggling with these feelings and will always worry about her. We have already been through so much and i cant bear the thought of something happening to her to where she has to go back into the hospital or even worse. Call me a worrywart, but i have to imagine its a possibility in the back of my mind. Aside from that, my other worries concern Master and myself and whether i am doing a good enough job and if i really am a good mother so far. I know i dont know everything, but i feel that He has connected more with her than me and has so much more at ease with it then me. Myself, i feel that im overworrying especially when others joke about it because i cant bear to let her out of my sight for too long, even if it is to let someone else hold her. It scares me that they may not hold her right, or she wont like them, or i dont know. It's just fear for her i guess.
     Anyone reading this has any suggestions on how to deal with things or advice, please feel free to comment and let me know because i feel like im struggling. Im struggling with handling motherhood and myself and Master, dealing with my feelings and fear for her, and the worst part of just myself and how i still look horrible and have this huge roll and dont know how to go about losing this extra weight.....ugh such a up/down feeling today.

Decluttering my brain

   The past couple days i have struggled with how to write these feelings so that they are expressed just how id like them to be and not come across in a way that will end up getting me into trouble, but also it is a struggle for me put all this out in the open with everything that has happened already. Honesty has always been the best policy and im not going to stop obeying that now...it's time for me to get these feelings out and put down how i really feel about things and hold my breath to see how He takes them.
    For those of you that read this blog, you will know that Master and i just ended our grueling hospital stay of almost two months recently with the birth of our daughter. She is the light of O/our lives and neither one of us would change her being here for the world. But my thoughts arent about her at all because she makes my world brighter when it is all three of U/us together. Seeing what W/we created makes me feel like things are alright for a little while, but it is only a temporary fix.
    My feelings started before i ended up being hospitalized for pregnancy problems...more or less about the time that i got sick. Before i start i have to make this disclaimer that Master in no way did this out of spite, to hurt me, or anything else. He was doing what He had to do to take care of me and ensure that i wasnt placed into anymore danger than what i was already in from the illness i was experiencing and then the pregnancy. He was my rock and that will never change. The issues i am going to bring out into the open are things that i find wrong with myself and need help or just a calming word to know that things are okay.
    It seemed that things were kind of straying away from the lifestyle and i felt that myself was slowly slipping away. At the time i didnt think anything of it, but i think this was the beginning of me slipping back into my old self from before i met Master where i hadnt really delved too much into the lifestyle. There werent very many punishments, things calmed down with the toys, any experimentation was put on hold until a future date yet to be determined. To be honest, i felt like i was losing my connection that i had gained when i first met Master of my inner submissive and that i had embraced wholy and completely. Leaving for training and then having to put things on hold for a little while was hard and i think i took it that hardest. I slipped out of the rules that W/we had created and i found myself being able to get away with more and more. There were comments made that would normally incur a spanking or sarcasm used that i would have been brought over His knee when we got home, but all those had vanished. It seemed that any kind of punishment was only for something extremely severe, such as the one time that i went into the room and cried for a while thinking He was upset at me but He wasnt so because i continued to cry He gave me something to cry about. My mind and inner submissive misses those days.
    As things progressed with my sickness, i could tell that Master was worried about me because it seemed that our lifestyle was put on an indefinite hold. Having to put something on hold that is such an integral part of you is soul breaking and crushing. It was not His choice to put things on the side, but it was out of necessity and safety that He did so. For this i owe Him nothing but love for choosing to make sure that my health was more important than His and my needs. It just seemed that the rules and all had disappeared and i was forced to take on this vanilla life that had become so foreign to me. I mean how do you embrace a life that you dont really want and have to leave everything that you had just learned behind? It wasnt easy, but i thought i was handling it pretty well.
    Turns out i was very wrong. After i got pregnant, things continued to be toned down. The spankings pretty much stopped because He was afraid that it would hurt the baby and we definitely didnt want to do anything to jeopardize the baby especially with the spotting that i had early in pregnancy. In my head, i was fighting tooth and nail and silently begging for a spanking for something or wanting to just completely break the rules to see if He would even notice. Despite those thoughts, i kept everything going and knew that He was continuing to do what was best not just for me anymore but for me and the baby. He was keeping our health in mind and i know it had to be killing Him to be unable to touch me the way He wanted or to spank me anytime He wanted. It seemed like things got twenty times harder.
    Then another wrench got thrown into the gears. My mind had seemed to forget the old submissive lil one that had been created by Master and was slowly being replaced with my vanilla self. We werent having sex too often for fear of hurting the baby further into the pregnancy and i was sooo exhausted from work and school that there wasnt really anytime for sex as it was, let alone full on Master/submissive sex. It had become a routine and it seemed that Master had forgotten too, or He was trying to fight His inner Dom to keep me from being hurt. We were then faced with going from not really having sex that often to having no sex at all because i was in the hospital. There was no way that we were having sex in the hospital, let alone with a bulging membrane and me already being slightly dilated. It was just too dangerous. Adding fuel to the fire, Master was pretty much waiting on me hand and foot. This threw me through a loop because im not the one to usually be waited on. It's Master that i am supposed to take care of and act like a fetching dog to get whatever it is He wants. He stayed with me through everything, getting me whatever it was i asked for regardless of the time of day it was and whether or not He was tired. He was truly my knight in shining armor. But the one thing about this time in the hospital was that with all the nurses coming in and out during the day and night, Master and i had little time to even talk about the lifestyle or anything involved with it. My inner submissive slid back even further into being forgotten.
    After i got home, i thought we would just be able to jump back into things and i would be able to get back to where we had stopped in the lifestyle. I would remember my place, He would be my Dom, and it would just be complete all over again. Boy was i wrong....it seemed that i had completely forgotten who i was. Master and i were unable to do anything, but He was wanting some relief. We may not have been able to have sex, but i was still able to give Him some oral stimulation. He kissed me and was prodding me to go down on Him. It was all i could do to move my head and go down on Him. It was just the weirdest feeling for me and i felt so unsubmissivelike. There was no feeling like i was myself....Then when He grabbed my head and told me to open my mouth so that He could squirt His cum into my mouth, I found myself disobeying Him. It wasnt out of the idea of disobeying Him, but it was like my mind was numb. There was a disconnect between my submissive side and what was going on. For the first time in my life i felt like an utter failure. I mean here this man had taken care of me throughout everything and when He wanted me to give Him some action i couldnt. He had to pretty much take my mouth and make it His and even then it still felt foreign to me. I vaguely remember trying to move away or push myself away from Him as He came because i just didnt want to do it.. This was completely out of character for me and im left wondering why and feeling broken.
    Master says that im not broken, but i honestly feel broken because i couldnt even do the most basic of things---give Him a blowjob. How hard is that? There really is no thinking involved, but somehow i couldnt do that. My mind finds itself wanting to rebel from Him so badly and just go off to see some semblance of the lifestyle. I have been out of it for so long that i feel i have forgotten everything and to me that is the worst part because i feel like i am disappointing Master because i should know how to do these things but i dont anymore. His comment of just that he would need to "retrain me" got me feeling kind of hurt(nothing that He did, just the way my brain is functioning right now) and that i feel like He wouldnt want me anymore because im a broken submissive. I dont remember His rules, i dont remember what a punishment feels like, i want to blow up on Him just to see if i would get a punishment but cant out of just that i cant, and all sorts of feelings.
    Maybe it's just the baby blues talking here, but i find myself needing and craving the lifestyle. After that night, i wrote out a list of possible new rules for Master/goals for myself. He read the list and said He liked them, but so far nothing else has been said. I know that He is waiting for the right time, i just wish i knew when it was. I feel the longer i go without anything lifestyle related, the closer i will get to completely forgetting my inner lil one. How do i tell the man i love and call Master that id like for Him to start getting back into the lifestyle with me? That i want to get punished again for my sarcasm or being too harsh with Him instead of getting an evil look that just makes me feel bad. I need to be punished.....i feel the need to be retrained to remember my submissive side. I want to find that love that i found with Him when W/we first started diving into the lifestyle before i left for my military training. Who knows, i guess writing it down is a good place to start so at least i can talk to Him about it.

The updated version of pregnancy

So today it is three weeks that Me and lil one have been holed up in a hospital room waiting on our lil baby to show herself to the world. It is amazing how people do not go absolutely bonkers while laying in the hospital for a long time. lil one has been an amazing woman for taking each day as it comes and trying not to pull her hair out each and every day. It is really funny to us how all the nurses that are attending to her and our baby are amazed at all the puzzles that we have done. Well when you are in a room that doesnt have ESPN (can I get an amen from the male congregation) then there really isnt much to do except do puzzles. We have five completed already and buying more. Anyways on to what got us to this point.

lil one started having labor pains on May 9 and found out she was dilated and had a bulging sac. The hospital near us isnt capable of taking care of an emergency like that so they sent us to a level 1 trauma center near our home. That was fine because it was close enough for Me to check on the house and our dog when lil one was resting and be looked after by her mom. Well about two to three days later we found out that the Perinatal doctor (basically a high risk doc for mom and baby) was going on vacation and wouldnt be back for 10 days. He is the only one in a 29 county area to take care of her due to this emergency. So they had to transfer us to the big city level 1 trauma which is about 2 and 1/2 hours from our house. For all the females who know when having a preemie baby they give you two shots of steroids to help with the babies lungs and also magnesium sulfate. We had to find out a hard way that lil one is allergic to the magnesium sulfate. She had fluid on her lungs and was in dire stress of having pneumonia. Her Oxygen levels were extremely low and they had to put her on 100 percent oxygen machine. The best part when she was going through that is that our little baby never had any ill effects from it. So finally they got the fluid off her lungs and lil one was starting to feel much better.

They were watching lil one to make sure her symptoms didnt come back and she started to have contractions again and was dialated to 6 cm. They got those contractions under control and had her relaxing for a week or two and she was doing just fine. They even started talking about sending her back closer to our home. Well the next night lil one started to feel the contractions again to the point where she couldnt sleep. They finally gave her meds to help with pain and also to help her sleep. When she woke up the next day her contractions had subsided and she was still sitting at 6 cm with the sac still intact. We found out that they are not going to be moving her back due to how far she is dilated and how young lil one is.  The good news is our baby is still having a strong heartrate and is doing perfectly fine. Our goal is to get to 34 weeks since that is where the baby is strong enough and weighs enough to pretty much function without too many complications. Every day is a blessing and we can only take each day as it comes. Thank you for those who have been praying or keeping us in your thoughts. I will try to update as much as possible while taking care of lil one and all the other things that life throws at us.

Master R

Update again on things..

    I cant believe how amazing Master is to me. This entire week i have been at home resting and He has taken such good care of me everyday, ensuring that i havent gotten too exhausted and rubbing my back when i needed it. Right now He's out there having fun and grilling our dinner to eat tonight. I love Him so much and feel like the luckiest lil one in the world especially after this stressful weekend and week that i have had.
    Honestly, i have to admit that there are a lot of times that i wonder if i could do more for Master or just do some things better for Him. I worry that being pregnant has changed things between us, which they have slightly just because what doesnt change when someone becomes pregnant whether its in a vanilla relationship or a lifestyle one. He is such an amazing man and has a heart of pure gold. He has never once complained about how there are dishes in the sink for more than a day or that the bathroom is getting too dirty when i feel so exhausted that after i get off work all i want to do is eat and curl up with Him. Master hasnt had His personal needs taken care of in a long while (well He did have it once but that was the first time in about 2-3 weeks if i remember right) and i feel that it's killing Him. He cant spank me, or doesnt want to because of the bad experiences and scares we've already had this pregnancy, although ive very rarely needed discipline since ive gotten pregnant. He takes everything in stride and massages my back every night without me having to ask Him or even gives in when i crave something and we go out to eat a lot more often then we should. But we can do it and He ensures that we stay on the right track with finances. It just worries me that im not doing enough and that everything has been placed on His shoulders. The tables have been turned in that im supposed to be the one taking care of Him as the Master, but now it has become to where He is having to cater to me and take care of my needs and wishes, often sacrificing His own.
    So i guess from what is stated above, i have to say that i am so thankful to have Master as my Master, husband, and best friend. He spoils me and takes care of me like no other, while constantly reassuring me that His love for me hasnt changed despite the fact that things i can do have changed drastically. He has taken on so much and expected nothing and i only hope that after our little one gets here that i can repay this favor to Him. He has been my comfort and rock and i know that no matter how stressed out i get that He will be there to calm me down and point out that there is a bright side and to figure out a way out of any of the tough situations that i have faced.
    Back to the update...lol. This week i have been at home resting thanks to my commander. Master and i had a very bad scare and it honestly scared the crap out of me this past Sunday when we had to go to the women's center because of the bad pains that i was having. Im only 25 weeks as of yesterday, so it is definitely too early for me to having this baby. This past weekend i found myself in a dilemma because im not like usual moms when it comes to things happening at their job that they can turn down. If i get told to do something by someone who is higher up than me, i have no choice but to do it because if i dont i can be charged and face jail time at the worst. So needless to say things are a little more of a struggle for me now when things are not just a matter of concern for myself, but my unborn child as well. Saturday i was put outside to work the air show that we were having and it was definitely hot. Going into it, i had planned for this because i knew being pregnant i was going to have to try to stay as cool as possible. I had two 32oz water bottles full of water and ice and an extra 22oz water bottle that was frozen that i ended up drinking as well. All three of these were gone and i was drinking more of the 22oz as the ice melted, but i still felt hot.
    Work had started for me that morning at 6am and i was just trying to make it to 2 where i could tell them that it was time for me to go home because i wasnt allowed to work more than 8 hours at a time, since they obviously didnt care about the fact that it was 90 something degrees outside. The people i was working with kept asking me if i was drinking water and if i had eaten anything. Needless to say i ate a little bit, but not much because by the time it got around to lunch time i just wasnt really hungry because i was so hot. Master was good about things that day and when i got to start being concerned about being too hot, i checked with Him to ensure that i wasnt in the danger zone already. At 10 that morning when i checked the outside temperature it was already 80 degrees and climbing. The people in charge thought that the solution to having me work was just putting me in the shade for the day and that would be fine. Despite staying in the shade and drinking all that water, i started noticing i was feeling the effects of the heat about 1015. Around that time i was at the point where i was hot but cold at the same time. If there had been a jacket, i would have put it on. Texting Master and asking Him about this new predicament, i got told that it was only bad if i wasnt sweating and i checked and sure enough i wasnt sweating at all. Which for me is weird.
    I promised to give it a little bit and if it was still going on i would get it checked out. I decided to walk inside for a little bit into the ac to see if that would help any, but it only made me worse. After coming back outside, i noticed that i was getting shaky more and more and nothing was helping. My honest thought was it was just my blood sugar acting up and that i just needed sugar and the oreos i had eaten just werent enough. But adding that into the fact that i was hot and cold at the same time, it wasnt a good combination. Looking at me, the people i was working with just kept saying you can sit in the ac for a few minutes if you want, which i knew just made me feel worse because i had to come back out again after those few minutes. I actually asked my boss that was in charge of me that day and let him know that i was hot and cold and i just got laughed at. His comment was he had no clue what to do, maybe put me out in the sun. They had no clue and just laughed it off. This made me feel even worse and that they had no concern for me. Texting Master again that the symptoms hadnt gone away and that i was getting more and more shaky He urged me to go get checked out.
    Heading to the medical tent, i got checked out and needless to say its a bad sign when the medical tech that takes your pulse looks at the doctor and laughs when he asks what it is and says that its really high...over 100 something. They had me sit in the ac and take my top off and i still wasnt cooling off at all. The air conditioning was having no effect on me at all. It took them putting an ice pack on the back of my neck to finally start getting to where i cooled down enough. I was way too overheated and they even saw that. The bad part was that there were about 5 officers and 3-4 other people that couldnt believe i was out there working. They said that being 6 months pregnant there was no reason for me to be out there and that i wasnt that needed. It made me feel better to hear them say that, but i had to follow my own chain of commands orders.
    Needless to say i had a Lt Col go out with me and talk to the guy in charge of me that day. She knew that if she didnt go out there with me and we just relayed what they said that they would only put me into the ac for the rest of the day instead of sending me home. She even told them that i shouldnt come in the next day and it seemed that they were going to go along with this advice. Master and i found out later that night this was so wrong. After getting told not to come in, i got a phone call later that night that i was to come in the next day and that they would put me to work in one of the buildings, claiming i would be in the air conditioning. The bad part for them is that i worked in this building before and i know that no matter what they say about having ac, it doesnt work in that building because with people coming in and out of the front doors, it just goes out the doors so i knew id be at greater risk to get overheated again. I started bawling and it was all Master could do to comfort me. He was trying to keep me from stressing out, but it wasnt fully working. To be told to come in and put my unborn child at risk again was stressing me out to the extreme. They had proved that day that they didnt care about me or my unborn's child health. It wouldnt have mattered much and i would have dealt with their games if it was just me, but now that i have to stick up for our child it is so much worse. I got told to come in no matter what and they would put me in the ac. Master calmed me down enough and pointed out that since they dont care to not worry about letting them know when im feeling bad. If it gets to that point, just call the ambulance and they can deal with the repercussions of why they had an ambulance called.
    Going into work the next morning, i felt thankful because the commander sent me home after taking one look at me. He seemed in my opinion to be the only one to have common sense and it ended up being a good thing that he sent me home. Later that day, we ended up going in because of having some contraction like pain. The doctor asked me if i worked the air show and when i said yes, she seemed very upset about it. I was hooked up to a fetal monitor and a contraction monitor. After coming in to check things, the doctor said that my symptoms were DEFINITELY from being out in the heat the day before. It turned out that i was severely dehydrated because i ended up killing an iv in about 30 minutes and had to drink 3 cups of water before they let me go home. It was bad and i was sent home to make sure to drink a lot of water and cautioned to be careful of the heat.
    Work monday was different, but i was ready to go through with it. I was still exhausted from having to get up and work the weekend, but there wasnt much i could do. After going to an award ceremony, the commander sent me home for the rest of the day again. He has showed a lot of concern about me and checked on me everytime that he saw me and told me that he wanted me to rest. Later monday night i got a text message from one of the guys in my office to not come in that until tomorrow and that they wanted me to rest. Needless to say it shocked me, but it made me happy all at the same time that it showed at least my commander cared about me and my unborn child, especially after i told them i was possibly going into preterm labor. Who knows what the future has in store here, but i honestly hope that my unborn child's health isnt put into jeopardy any more.
    Wish Master and i luck and thank you so much for keeping us in your prayers.