Finding Myself Has Taken a New Turn

So this past weekend was absolutely amazing between both Friday and Saturday nights. Since finding O/our way into O/our local munch group, Master and i have been working at becoming more involved and actually embracing the lifestyle that W/we live. It has worked wonders and i find that the two of U/us are actually becoming closer than W/we ever were before. But i digress back to this past weekend. W/we enjoyed a lovely Christmas party with O/our local munch and the White Elephant Game. It was definitely an interesting twist on the game playing it with mostly kinky presents. Master even got involved by pulling the numbers for the group. It was a night full of fun and laughter and just feeling free and enjoying time with friends.

It led to another talk with someone who i feel is a mentor/friend for both Master and myself. It is someone that i can ask questions about how to do things better for Master if i cant figure it out myself and i want to do better for Him. Master is an amazing man and anything that i can do to make my submission to Him that much better is a win in my book. The talk was about a new decision the two of U/us came up with after a previous talk of keeping a notebook on me so that if i get an idea or some topic that i wish to talk with Master about i can write it down so that i dont forget it. It is a way for me to communicate better with Him because that is a big issue for me. It is so much easier for me to write things down then to say them directly to Him, although im working on that. This notebook helps me relay how im feeling, what im thinking, and various things throughout the day that would otherwise be lost.

Then came the most amazing night for me. Master and i decided to participate in the local BDSM class and it was on wax play which has always been a very touchy issue for me. Before i met Master i had experimented with a poly couple when i was trying to figure out what i wanted in the lifestyle. The "dom" had decided he wanted to try wax play with me and used a birthday candle from a close height on my inner thigh and crotch area. It hurt like hell and it left me afraid of wax play so when i met Master i had told Him that i was afraid of it. He never pushed the issue as He knew i had a few bad experiences when coming into the lifestyle and left it alone. Before going to this class He brought up the idea of me being a demo and i ran with it. Lately i have been trying to get more out of my shell and put myself out there and become more of a social person than i have been in the past few years. By getting out of my comfort zone, i want to work to a place where i realize that being kinky is okay and that there is nothing wrong with it and that i shouldnt be ashamed of my body (completely separate issue but long story short is that i dislike my belly from being slightly overweight and my stretch marks--tiger marks as He calls them--from my pregnancy).

Class time came and admittedly i was extremely nervous because of what it would entail. However thanks to previous talks with Master and the mentor i knew that i would be placing my utmost trust in Master and the class leader. Master would know what i could handle and told me that He would stop things if He felt that they were getting to be too much for me. Class started with trying wax dripped on my back. It was interesting to say the least and tested me because at this point i didnt know how i was going to react to the wax. Thankfully i made it through (although Master offered to go up there with me and stand right there and two friends offered to distract me and give me something to focus on too). It was no where close to the pain i had felt with the birthday candle and definitely felt good.

Time came for them to come off and that was interesting. The technique for taking off wax can incorporate a knife (this case it did) and that is another big fear of mine. Thankfully it wasnt bad at all and the wax was removed. Then it was on to playing with paraffin wax and learning what it feels like when putting it on someone. This was WAY different than the regular wax in that it ran and set very fast too. It was a very interesting experience with that and it definitely tickled something crazy coming off. It tickled so bad that i was giggling, which caused others to laugh.

After that i was asked how i was doing and i replied better and that the good memories had replaced the bad ones. It was mentioned that now that i had good memories i could trust Master enough that i could let go the next time we tried the wax. Well oddly enough the next time we tried it was a little bit later in the class. Trusting Master has been high on my list of things to work on for Master because it is why i am hesitant to do certain things with Him. Placing my trust in Him, i asked Him to try three of the low heat candles and i trusted Him to know if it was too much for me or if i could take more. He did very well and checked on me throughout using the first candle. Then it was time to switch to the next one. He was great about letting me know what color was next and it felt amazingly good. It was an oddly good sensation and i could feel myself trusting Him to where i could let go and enjoy the wax sensations. The next color was dropped and i found myself giggling again as it hit certain spots on my back. The part that truly sent me over the edge though was when it was recommended to then drip the paraffin wax that had been pulled off my back earlier back over me. It was a crazy mix of sensations and i found myself letting go and loving every minute of it. He knew just how far to push me and did just enough to where i wasnt uncomfortable for my first try after replacing the bad memories of the birthday candle.

The part that i think back to the most is right after this little time, Master had me stand up. It was asked if i could be brave enough and i answered yes. This was after the wax had been cleaned off my back from right before. Standing there with Master in front of me, i watched Him give the okay for what was about to be tried. Then i felt the tugging on my back and knew there was a knife, especially after hearing the words "hold still". It was then i had my first experience with knife play. It happened faster than i thought and was just the knife being dragged across my skin in a design. It was definitely interesting and left me wondering if what i thought about knife play was right. It may be something to see what Master thinks about it in the future.

Thinking back to the class this past weekend i have realized a lot both about myself and about Master and i's relationship. In the past it seems that i havent fully put my trust in Master. It may not be 100% there (more like 95% it feels like to me), but it is being worked on slowly but surely. That night showed me just how much i can trust Him. He knew how scared i was of knives and knife play and was right there for me, ready to stop it if He felt things were too much for me. He had my best interests at heart and really wanted me to have a great time. The class made me realize that things are a lot different than how i felt when i first got into this lifestyle.

Leaving the class i had never felt more secure, loved, and accepted than i had then. The group in the class made me feel welcome and accepted both during and after the class (Waffle House was a blast!!!). It made me feel less self conscious about my body because there was no evil looks or bad comments made about how my body looked. It also made me feel trust in not only Master but those around me because help was offered without even knowing my situation. Thank You to the two friends for the offer to help when i first went up there. Also thanks to the wonderful teacher for teaching the class and being understanding and for helping Master be able to play with wax with me. I was made to feel welcome and it has left me wanting to explore more and see what else i can do outside my comfort zone. There are still some insecurities, but it seems the more that i become involved in things like our spa day and the class i find myself accepting who i am, which in turn makes things better for both myself and Master.

He is my champion and i have never felt so much in love and i only hope that these changes are making Him proud of me. He is the reason that i want to get out of my comfort zone and explore new things despite experiences i may have had in the past. Who knows what the future holds, but it seems VERY bright with Master and our lovely new family that W/we have found in the munch group W/we joined. Last bit is a HUGE thank You to Master for being so acceptable of me and my flaws and feeling insecure in myself. Thank You for pushing me to become better and for knowing that i can do things even when i doubt myself. You are truly an amazing man and i thank God everyday that i was blessed with You both as my Master but as my husband and best friend. :) i only hope to make You proud of me as i continue to embrace these new changes.

Revelations After a Munch Night Talk

Normally i don't write on here, but after this weekend it definitely warrants a new look at things and i have no shame anymore of hiding things. This is how im feeling and if someone wants to stop by my profile and read it then more power to them and if not then its okay. This Friday my Master and i went to our local munch and had an amazing time. This was only our second time, but it was one that truly stands out for me. :) It was an eye opening night to say the least and it was in part thanks to a lovely new friend who was willing to take the time to talk to Master and myself while answering the questions i had.

Since joining this lifestyle a few years ago, i thought that i had done a good bit of research and had come to know who i was as far as identifying myself and how i fit into that role. To me things had their rocky moments, but i had found my place as His slave and most of the time i acted like one. There were times where i would rebel and He would fix it. Things felt off to me, but i thought maybe it was just how things change after children come into the picture (believe me i know it changes). Things continued to progress with me and there were times that i will admit here that i put up walls that i shouldn't have to defend myself against the one person i should have trusted. He is the one i should have turned to, but instead i went and hid like a little kid sulking in a corner. Often this happened when i would disagree with Him and instead of being graceful about it, i would get upset and angry and run. There was not enough distance between us and i felt that by stomping around and huffing around that i was going to "show Him". It "showed Him" nothing other than i could act like a complete idiot and show off when i disagreed with what He said. Everytime i did that, i was hurting Him without knowing it because i didn't have the confidence in Him.

Things have been slightly better, but still off recently and it was finally brought to my attention why by a new friend at the local munch. It started with a simple conversation about a spank a sub congo line that i had seen at the first play party Master and i went to. My comfort level was changing as i realized just how much i could set the scene and i realized i had the control in a way. It was up to me to control how they hit, what they used, and where they hit (avoiding a spot that i have that instantly stops all play when hit). All of that led to a conversation about the lifestyle and things in it. It was a lot of things and my head is still trying to remember every little detail (seems preggo brain lasts after the baby too). It progressed to where Master, O/our friend and His partner, and myself talked together about me. The new friend was able to read me like a book and laid out that i feel torn in 20 different directions because i am constantly afraid of letting everyone in my life down. Cue emotions and the need to burst into tears at this moment, but the tears waited. From there He explained that the only person that i should be worried about is Master and nobody else. He is my rock and that i should rely on Him and tell Him when i feel that way so He can help me figure out how to not feel like that. Tears were threatening to fall at this point, but somehow i still was able to hold them back. Maybe it was pride by this point or stubbornness in wanting to appear strong. Either way i continued with the questions and the revelations that were going to happen.

As the questions spilled out, the answers became harder to bear, but it was truths that i needed to hear. My family has always been one of those that i feel pulls me in twenty different directions and i don't want to let them down (especially since it is my parents) but i don't want to disappoint or upset Master either. In the past i was easily guilted into doing things that i normally wouldn't have done. The emotional abuse growing up was hard to take and even now as an adult i had found myself falling back into the cycle with my parents. Imagine the writing talking about how to identify an emotional manipulator and my parents fit that writing to a T. Through the conversation i realized that i had let them control my life too much and that it was time to hand over to Master the reins and let Him deal with them pulling me in numerous ways.

The rest of the night led to more revelations about how i deal with my parents emotional abuse growing up, my parent's change, and that i haven't been trusting Master as much as i should have been. There were things that i should have trusted Him with that i blew up about or didn't turn to Him for help with. It hurt to realize just how bad i had let things get and how lost i had become in getting away from the real lil one that i had kept hidden for so long. To be honest, im surprised that He didn't try to pull His hair out or spank my butt black and blue for everything that i have done to Him. Instead He has stood by me and tried to understand me. He has been the most loving and caring Dominant that i feel so much pride in having Him as mine.

Part of this talk Friday night brought to realization that sometimes these behaviors are done because there is a hidden reasoning behind it, such as because i need to be punished/spanked for the emotional release it provides or another reason. (Please forgive me now for not remembering the other one, but this is the major one that i remembered). It seems that all the times i was getting mad and putting walls up was because i didn't know how to communicate with Him that i was overstressed or feeling pulled in twenty directions. It made me realize that i need to learn how to communicate better with Him and if i want a spanking for an emotional release that i cant be afraid to ask for one or let Him know how im feeling.

This talk Friday night led to all these new revelations and a long conversation on a drive home this afternoon between Master and myself. It has awakened this feeling inside me of wanting to do the best i can to please Master and i haven't felt this huge overwhelming need since before O/our child came into the picture, probably since W/we were dating. Right now i am still trying to figure out what to do and it may take a little while, but i see a bright new U/us in the future and an even more cohesiveness between U/us as partners. This is my promise to no longer put walls up, stomp away in anger when Master disagrees with something that i said, allow my family to control me and pull me into so many directions, care what others think outside of Him and to work extremely hard to communicate better with Him. :) This has made me excited to embrace these new changes for Master and to give Him back the lil one that He has missed having around (and some of me that He has never seen because i have kept it so walled up and put away).

Emotional Turmoil

Today has left me feeling a little, how do i put it, overwhelmed and a few other emotions. It is weird because i find myself having these moments of inspiration and then others where i hit self doubt and wonder if i can really do this. Panic mode may have set in just a little bit as well.

Guess to explain why the emotional turmoil, i have to explain whats going on in my head and world right now. Today was my third day of classes (although my second day in a particular class as they alternate days) and it has left me feeling very overwhelmed and wondering. This morning was my anatomy class and while i was surprised by how well i kept up, i cant help but wonder if that is me with a false sense of confidence. Am i being over confident to the point where it will cause me to fail in the end or am i just trying to psych myself out so that i do as well as i wish to? Either way my mind is hoping and praying that this semester goes better than the last (not my best grades ever.....i missed a lot of what i should have gotten done).

In 7 months time frame i will be applying for nursing school. Last night i had a professor say that my school's nursing program is more competitive than another school that is supposedly more prestigious. It terrifies me to think that my school is way more competitive and they only allow in at most 125-130 students. Will i be able to become a part of that number of nursing students and experience that happiness? Will i get in the first time i apply? Will my scores and grades be good enough for the people judging me to accept me and let me in the program? Will i do well on the TEAS test that im required to take or will i bomb it and have to hope and pray that i pass the second time? There are so many questions running through my head concerning the nursing program and if im good enough. It seems everyone has these self doubt moments and im hoping this is just that.

Call it early jitters or whatever else you wish to call it, but i feel like im so worried about if i will get in or not and if i will be good enough to get in. This semester is going to be hard and i find myself wondering if i will have enough time to devote to Master like He needs me to, O/our child and family time so that they feel loved, balance time to work on my school assignments and studying and reviewing notes, spending time with friends and family, work, and just taking time for myself. A wise friend/mentor suggested setting time away for myself to ensure that i dont get burn out, but how do you do that when there are such huge expectations and milestones coming up that are what will make/break you? This is what im struggling with the most is figuring out how to balance all of these while still working towards my goal of becoming a nurse.

Maybe i just need some encouragement, but today has found me struggling. So friends if any of Y/you have any words of encouragement, i could use it today. This feeling may come and go throughout the semester as i know i took on a huge challenge, but im determined to work through this somehow. :) Hopefully today will pass and i will get back to my inspired self, but for now i dont feel so inspired or hopeful :/ Maybe its time to blast my song "Brave" and "Stronger" to help boost my mood and knock these feelings of doom and gloom out the window.

16 Facts About Me

1. Most people do not know that i am a mother to a beautiful baby who decided to enter this world almost two months early. Master and i spent almost two months in the hospital on strict bedrest and uncertainty as to when the baby would come into this world from 25 weeks to 32 weeks, with me going into labor seven different times during that time. To this day the thought of the baby in the NICU still brings tears to my eyes.

2. Growing up i always knew that i wanted to work in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit from the time i could say the word. I even met my Neonatologist who was still practicing and told her before i graduated high school.

3. i was taught how to shoot a variety of handguns from an M9 Beretta, M4, M16, M203 grenade launcher, M249 machine gun, and a M240B machine gun and loved every minute of it. Even though i havent shot one in a year or so, i can still hit a target in the gut or head as i was taught.

4. Most people find it hard to believe that at 23 i am a veteran of the military. i served in the military for almost three years and was let go due to the drawdown in the number of troops. If it wasn't for that, i would still be in the military.

5. i was very ill while in the military and went through numerous doctors and counselors trying to find out what was wrong with me. They never did find out what was wrong with me and were very puzzled as to why my symptoms occurred, but could not find an obvious source. It wasn't until i got out of the military that my diagnosis was that i was prediabetic and high cholesterol which is what caused all my symptoms.

6. i was emotionally abused as a child growing up and was even physically abused on a couple of occasions. To this day my parents still refuse to believe that they emotionally abused me, but it has left its scars on me that Master is trying to ease and make look better.

7. when i was first learning about the lifestyle and looking to dip my toes in, i was in a poly relationship for a few weeks. i had met a couple and they were helping me figure out what i liked and didn't like and in the end i decided that subbing for a couple was not my thing.

8. i have been blackmailed by a so-called "dom" in the lifestyle(who was high up in the military) when it came to him threatening me when i was going to be at basic training. He did this when i was talking to Master. This was the one valuable lesson that i realized just how much i can lean on Master and how i shouldn't hide anything from Him. It almost cost me my relationship with Him.

9. i have been the victim of a sexual assault two different times by two different people. The first one was a friend of mine in college who assaulted me in my dorm room with my roommate in the bunkbed below. The second was by a "dom" in the lifestyle who assaulted me in the public parking lot of a movie theater and the only way i got out was by fake calling a friend and pretending they were locked out. To this day i still have a few things that trigger these memories that Master knows about.

10. i love to blast my music driving down the road even if people look at me funny. It makes me feel happy and can brighten my mood or help me get my personal feelings out.

11. i am a Disney kid at heart and no matter what if one of my favorite Disney movies is on tv i will drop what i am doing and watch it. They will always be movies that teach various lessons about life and love and death and other things.

12. Before i joined the military i was a very introverted person and it was hard for me to speak up or make new friends. Since joining the military i am now more of an extrovert and am working on speaking out and making new friends even if it means jumping out on a limb.

13. Secretly i love going shopping for school supplies and anything to do with school from notebooks, papers, rulers, etc. i am the one parent that is looking forward to going school shopping and i love the smell of new supplies.

14. i am highly organized when it comes to writing down everything and when it is due that my parents used to laugh at me for making numerous lists to be organized. Last semester alone it allowed me to take on an 18 hour course load and a 17 hour load this semester.

15. Sometimes i talk in my sleep and carry on a conversation with Master but don't remember any of it the next morning.

16. i am HIGHLY competitive and will play any sport alongside the guys. i have played softball, soccer, ran cross country, flag football, ultimate frisbee, and many other sports. There is not a losing bone in me and i will do my best to keep it up regardless of what it means for my body (one reason why i sprained my left knee in college) in the process. im not one of the girls who is afraid of breaking a nail when playing with the guys.

Desires....

      So tonight has found me thinking about a lot of things and most of it is concerning Master. He is the most amazing man ever and today has just completely solidified that even more. There has been so much growth between the two of U/us that i am really amazed at just how far W/we have come. Granted there are still days where i revert back to my old ways, but Master is much more quick to set me back in my place and in my ways.
      Master and i had a nice long talk last month about what things i would like to change and various things that i would like to see in myself. A lot of it has been from introspection thanks to a friend that Master and i met at the local munch. Not sure about Master, but i know that i consider this person to be a mentor to me and Master too. The insight revealed that i need to learn how to ask Master for something if i need it. He is not a mind reader and if i need something He cant tell that i need it unless i am open with Him about it. This is something that i have tried so hard to work on, but it is hard for me to vocalize my needs to Him. He knows that it is not easy for me to ask Him to tie me up and use me or to do this or that to me. There is a part of me that has been shut down for a while now due to how i was raised and the ideas that my family put in my head. My parents decided that it wasnt right to have different desires and urges (hypocritical because of the situation with my dad being transgender and my mom still being married to him). It wasnt normal to show these desires and urges and on top of that, most of my memories of relationships growing up was one of fighting and bickering and keeping things behind closed doors. With Master, it has taken some time for me to learn that it is perfectly acceptable to want Master to touch me or to give Him a kiss although W/we will never be ones to be on the verge of having sex in public because W/we dont like that kind of display.
         Working out with Master was such an amazing feeling for me today. It was amazing to know that He was right there with me, going through what i was going through. He was acting just as goofy as i was doing the workout videos and then went for a walk with me after the workouts. It felt amazing and i am still on that high even though its hours after the fact. He made me feel so special and i just cant believe how special i felt. It has taken a while for me to get on the train for working out, but im glad that He is right there and not against doing it with me.
          That brings me to the thing that is weighing on my mind heavy tonight. It has been a good while since Master has given me a spanking (like a good spanking not from where i got in trouble). When the mentor told me that there are times where i need something from Master and it may even be a spanking or something along those lines, i thought it would be forever before i would be able to ask Him for a spanking. These new changes have allowed me to become more connected with my inner self. It may be just in writing, but i know that i am asking Him for a spanking. It is a desire that i feel in me that i couldnt quite tell before. There is this need and desire in me to feel Him mark His lil one, to spank me and mark me as His, to remind me of my place as His lil one, to soothe my worries and fears, just to resituate myself. There are other reasons, but those are the only ones that i can put into words. He has just made me feel so much more like my slave self that i feel i need to get back to it even more. Things are stressing me out and a spanking centers me.
          There is another need too. It is a need to be taken by Master and used as He wishes. It feels like so long since the two of U/us have been able to play that i feel off centered. He has tried anal with me again and i find myself wanting that and to feel Him just in me and used at His whim. It was amazing to feel Him and the love i feel when He ties me up and teases me......ummm yeah. It makes me feel whole and complete to know that i please Him by allowing Him to do that to me and it makes me feel so pleasurable at the same time. Just to feel His hands running up and down my body and knowing that my body is His to do with as He pleases. Yummy. Oddly enough im hoping that Master will enjoy His lil one tonight by making good use of my body for Him. My mind is thinking of Him cumming in my ass and how it feels so good when after He gets comfortable He starts plowing in and out making me feel crazy and then the feeling when He uses the wand on me as He is going in and out of my pussy. Ahhhhh i find myself craving all these different sensations. My mind is hoping for a session from Him to leave me relaxed and feeling even more connected to Him.
            It may not be tonight or it may not be til next week, but i know that Master will read this and know that this is my way of asking Him. He is my Master and i trust Him completely to know when to give me what i need. Last night allowed me to reconnect with Him in an amazing way and im hoping that tonight He will do the same thing again. Last night was the first time in a good little while that i have worn my collar and it left me feeling very submissive. Im not sure how Master feels, but im hoping that every night W/we can put on my collar until it is time to sleep because it makes me feel whole and complete and very connected with Him.
         This blog post may be a lot of rambling, but im hoping it makes sense for the one person that im trying to express my feelings for. It is a good thing that mother nature has disappeared and His lil one is excited to be able to show just how much i love Him. :) love You so much Master. Now to watch the movie with You and enjoy Your roaming hands.

Being Brave

This holiday season has led me to a lot of revelations about myself, my Master, O/our family, and O/our local munch family. It is both good and bad because part of it was an amazing thing that i realized about both Master and myself that is making me so proud of myself, but the other part is so disheartening to me and it makes me just feel so down and out. However, there is always a silver lining to everything and that will be expanded on later.

Lately my new personal anthem has taken the shape of a popular song(actually 2-3 of the new popular songs) and i find it being played whenever i feel myself going down the negative road. It is so inspirational to me and keeps me from dwelling on these negative feelings that would have overwhelmed me in the past and caused me to lash out at Master. He knew in the past why these were happening and would take a step back and sometimes my lashings hurt Him, but He was quick to realize the situation. Now He has told me that He couldnt be prouder of me for turning over this new leaf. He laughs, but in a good way, because when He hears these songs He knows that it is my way of destressing and preventing these people and situations from getting the better of me. They are the song "Brave" by Sara Bareilles, "Roar" by Katy Perry, and "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson.
"You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle 'neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave"
~"Brave" by Sara Bareilles

With my temporary job, I allowed myself to work as much as possible because i knew that W/we needed the money and there was no guarantee how long it would last. This meant that i was working on Christmas eve. When i was originally hired, Master's family made plans that on Christmas eve the family would get together and His grandfather to celebrate because the older brother did Christmas with his wife's family on Christmas day. So in this conversation which the family members had in a group message on FB, i told them all that i was going to be working that day and that my family would be in town (originally they were supposed to be). Well on Christmas eve, i was at work and Master and i had decided that W/we would go visit on Christmas since i was off and my family had changed plans. Well i sent out a text to the older brother and younger brother's wives telling them that W/we would be up if they wanted to meet up since they had presents they wanted to exchange. It was basically letting them know the approximate time frame that W/we were expected to be up there to visit and they could get their presents from U/us as well. Needless to say the conversation turned from "im sorry but if we had known sooner we could have made plans" to (this next part is the conversation from one wife to me--the conversation where i could tell she was trying to make me feel like crap)

younger Wife: "im working until 2 and then going to older wife's. thats why we all planned on going to His grandfather's. so we could all spend Christmas together. ill just leave your presents at His grandfather's."
me: ok sorry. we just found out"
younger wife: "why dont yall come tonight?"
me: "im working and my family was supposed to be here but they changed plans"
younger wife: "what time do you get off? im working today. im going afterwards."
me: "i dont get off til late tonight. plus its at least an hour drive for us to get there."
younger wife: "ok. well i can leave your presents at His grandfather's that way yall get them"

(This second conversation is from the older brother's wife to me. She set up the meet up to celebrate Christmas for Master's side of the family because her family celebrates their own Christmas on Christmas morning.)

older wife: "gosh if we would have known earlier we could have but tomorrow is completely filled were doing our family Christmas...." "No sorry we have a bunch of family tomorrow. Thats why we set up His family side tonight..just let me know the next time yall come down a couple days in advance"
me: "okay sorry. we just found out. i can leave your gifts at His grandfather's"
older wife: "its cool but we will def have to meet up the next time!!...."
me: "ok sounds good"
older wife: "are your parents spending the night with yall"
me: "no they changed plans and are stopping by after Christmas later this weekend"
older wife: "oh ok yall still cant come tonight?"
me: "no im working late an its at least an hour drive to get to His grandfather's for us"
older wife: "oh yea younger wife, younger brother, and older brother work today to. older brother just doesnt have far to drive. what time do you get off"
me: (at this point i was just pissed and i just threw out a late time so they would leave me alone) "11"
older wife: "gotcha"

Needless to say that these text messages between both of them (both at the same time) infuriated both myself and Master. This was family and they were basically trying to make U/us feel like crap for not being there when W/we had already explained due to work obligations there was no way we could make it. To be honest, if they had reacted differently W/we may have gone that night because it started at 630 and i got off work at 5 but because of this interaction W/we both refused to go. W/we have a set timeline for O/our family because of a child and it would require U/us to drive about an hour fifteen minutes to hour and a half to get to the family house and then not having eaten yet (which makes for cranky child) and just all sorts of other factors playing into it that just wasnt a good setup for U/us. Receiving all these texts at work infuriated me and Master was just as furious when i sent Him a copy of the messages that i was receiving, especially after i told Him that they made me feel like they were trying to single U/us out for not coming there and for not coming despite me working. It made me made, but i vowed to not let it bother me too much.

Fast forward to today and i find that i have found even more clarity when it comes to this so called "family" of O/ours (more His than mine but my family has its own faults too which a post in and of itself). His older brother's wife was throwing the get-together on Christmas eve so she could celebrate Christmas with her own family Christmas day. However, the odd thing is that His younger brother and His younger brother's wife and her family were invited over to celebrate Christmas with this family as well. His younger brother has no relation to that side of the family other than his older brother married the wife. There should have been no reason for them to celebrate if it was for her family only like i was told. So then FB this morning, there are pictures of them celebrating and lovely comments back and forth about how it was so amazing that they were able to spend time there and that her family had such a good time and other things. To be honest it infuriated me at first because it hurt to know that i have been in this family longer and they all claimed to have accepted me and loved me, but their actions are saying more and more that they dont. It's like Master has said that they have an elitist view that somehow they are better than anybody else in the family. It even makes one wonder about what they will think about O/our gifts. Due to O/our finances this year, W/we did a cute homemade ornament and scrabble letters for each family as O/our gift. It wasn't much but Master and i like gifts that are thoughtful, not ones where You spend a ton of money to use a few times and toss away (not that it is a bad thing if people want to buy that for U/us). W/we have realized the memories of making these gifts and how personalized they are is greater than a lot of things W/we could find in stores. Not only that as many family members as W/we have to buy for and the people mentioned above are given everything they want on a silver platter, that leaves little for U/us to find for gifts. Master and i are definitely the outcasts and they have no problem flaunting this on FB. As far as im concerned, i will not stoop to their level but im not going out of my way anymore for them. There will be no purchasing anything for them if they whine about not having things and needing them (there is more money there than Master and i have had even with me being former military). No helping moving or anything unless W/we get asked and that is only if W/we can fit it into O/our schedules not theirs.

The most important lesson i learned from the so-called "family" was that they are not "family" at all to me. There is no care and concern there for either Master, myself, or O/our child. There has been ample helpings of care and concern from O/our local munch family that W/we have been completely overwhelmed because of it (in a good way of course). When W/we brought up the topic of trying to find a job, there was no judgement whatsoever but instead messages of encouragement and advice on where to look for both Master and myself. The times W/we are able to go to munches, it is as if W/we had never missed one. It has been years since i have felt entirely comfortable around others and the local munch family makes me feel so comfortable. Granted W/we are still getting to know people, but they still treat U/us way better than O/our family has ever done! There is more love and laughter than W/we have ever been used to and i can only hope that O/our child learns more from their examples than from the people that claim they are "family" to U/us. Words can never be expressed just how thankful i am to have these people in O/our lives and to turn to in a time of need or even just for a word of advice or comfort. T/they are amazing people and i cant wait to get to know more and more about these people who i feel have become just like my aunts/uncles/cousins/sisters/brothers/whatever they wish to be known as. Their love is what i chose to surround myself and at some point in the future, i will chose to ignore the negative and embrace the positive things and love that surrounds U/us. My only hope is that T/they know just how much of an impact T/they have had on me in such a short amount of time and that i am truly thankful for each and every one of T/them. The future is looking bright for myself and Master and i cant wait to see what it holds with O/our new family. :D

update
These past few days have showed U/us even more of why W/we are thankful for what W/we have and that O/our "family" isnt really family at all. It was discovered after pictures were posted on FB that our child ranks significantly lower than the niece and nephew of the younger brother. There are three children for him and his new wife to buy for. Of course, one would expect to spend the same amount of money on each child. However, in this case it wasnt true. O/our child got a toy that costs $5 and a pair of pants and jacket. The oldest niece of the younger brother got a powerwheels four wheeler that costs about $175ish and a few other gifts as well. To me that seems very insensitive to pay a lot for one child and not really anything for the other. It made me feel hurt for my child because when they get older how am i going to explain why the cousin is getting more than them? Thats not a conversation a child should deal with? It just floors me how they can openly do this and be okay with it? No person who truly cares about family would do this, especially to a child. Needless to say W/we are grateful for what O/our child did get, but it would have been nice for them to spend the same amount on both children. They could have bought learning toys or something else to go with it (it didnt have to be a powerwheels car since the child is still too young for one). This was the last straw that broke the camel's back i guess Y/you could say.

The other part of the update is that apparently the older wife has gotten their Christmas presents from U/us and was none too happy about it. There was a facebook post that said "some people never seize to amaze me(written while she was mad and should have been cease)" Then that wife when asked who it was refused to name who it was on facebook. The part that told me it was U/us was when i sent a message asking if they had opened their gifts yet. Magically older wife went from being online to mobile and then completely offline (gotta love facebook and the new chat settings) but the ironic thing is that i know she saw the post because it said "seen at ...." which was about two minutes after i wrote it. Then when i sent a text message the next morning, she has yet to answer this text message (although she would probably claim that she never received it). It just makes me laugh if she is unhappy with O/our Christmas gifts because Master and i have learned that its not about the money or buying the newest and greatest gift, but right now W/we like the thought of doing homemade especially since it gets O/our child involved in the gift exchange. Memories and putting things together like that in a time where W/we dont have much money is worth more to U/us right now than a store bought gift. We'd be happy with pictures or things like that which are more momentos and either dont cost anything or are very inexpensive to make, but older wife and younger wife insist on buying gifts instead of making them. Either way W/we were very happy with O/our gifts and had a blast making them. Besides its the thought that counts right?

So needless to say they have moved even farther down the totem pole than they were before. Master and i are feeling more blessed than ever before for what W/we have and the people that are in O/our lives, especially those in O/our local munch family.

Updates....oh and some thoughts thrown in too!

   Wow, so i just realized that it has been a little over a month since i have written last. Maybe that is why i feel like there are so many emotions swirling around in my head. Either way, it is definitely something that is much needed and right now i feel i need to get everything out in the open either way.
    So i feel that i should get this out in the open and hopefully it doesn't come off the way that i don't want it to. Master i am throwing this disclaimer out right now that there is nothing displeasing about what You are doing, it is what im doing/not doing that i am unhappy about.
    Best place to start is to catch up on our lives recently. Master and i are FINALLY back in our own place. Thankfully we found a place that was the perfect price range, quiet community, excellent amenities and everything. It is amazing, but the only downside is that we have neighbors below us that we have to take care not to stomp and things of that nature. Plus we also have a neighbor beside us. It is frustrating having to be careful about our activities because we definitely don't want to alarm our neighbors by them hearing Master smacking me or giving me a spanking. This makes it hard for me to concentrate, especially since i know that there is the possibility that our neighbors can hear us. This happened yesterday when Master punished me for getting upset at Him for no reason. It was hard because the smack of the hairbrush echoes in our room.
     Other than that fear, this new place is amazing because i am able to clean up at leisure, do laundry and not worry about it being moved to make way for someone else's if they need it, and just being able to get back to being us in general. Having our own space and not being looked at funny because we do things a certain way is certainly a blessing and i have never been so thankful to be in our own place in my life. It makes me more thankful that we were able to get this place. It happened out of a bad situation with His family, but i will choose to leave that out of this post because it is a HUGE problem with me but Master knows how i feel concerning this.
     So there is a couple things that i have been struggling with since we moved in here and i feel bad because Master has even told me that i am bad at communicating at times. It has taken me a little while to figure out how to voice what i feel about these two things, but now that i know what it is, i can only hope that it doesn't upset Him/hurt Him/make Him feel like He is doing anything wrong. Reading on FL, i came across a post in one of the groups i belong to about who cooks in the family and it got me thinking about us. Since we have moved in here, aside from last night Master has cooked just about every night. Now don't get me wrong, i really don't mind Master cooking and love His cooking. He cooks just as well as i do if not better at quite a few meals. However, there is a part of me that struggles with this and only after reading that post did i realize what it was about---Master cooking. It has nothing to do with His style of cooking or anything like that, but that simply put He is the one cooking and not me. Ever since things have changed in our dynamic to shift towards the M/s dynamic, i have felt that it is more my duty to do the things like keep the house clean, do the laundry, cook, and just make sure everything is running smoothly and that Master is completely happy. Now don't get me wrong, i don't mind sharing the kitchen with Him but to me it feels like i should be the one doing it while He is in the living room watching our child and watching tv. Before we moved into the apartment, He even allowed me to buy an apron so that i could wear it for Him while i cook but it still hangs up in the kitchen. Its just weird because in a way its like im jealous maybe that He is cooking and im not, but it makes me wonder if this is normal for someone in our dynamic. Do the other slaves that their Masters cook feel this way? Believe me i don't mind it, but i feel it is something that is my duty as a slave to do and i feel like im not doing my job properly in that He has been cooking. Maybe i need to ask Him and see if it is just that He likes cooking and im not doing anything wrong and maybe we should switch off cooking so we both get to cook or something...ahhh i don't know.
       On the other hand, there is another issue that i have realized too after reading in the same group above that i have going on. It seems that i have been letting things go and unconsciously pushing buttons or forgetting things (not on purpose or intentionally trying to push the limits). There are things that i have done that i know Master would have punished me for before but He has been hesitant on. Just recently we had one night where it left me wanting and DEFINTELY feeling owned, but then it was like we went back to ourselves, well vanilla selves. It just leaves me feeling like sometimes the M/s dynamic of our life gets pushed to the side and i feel that it shouldn't. Coming back from visiting family in the south, i had never felt more slavely (is that a word) in my life when it came to Him. He pushed me and played with me and pushed my buttons. We have had a few nights of this since moving in, but nothing like that ride coming back and the amazing way it made me feel so connected with my lil one self and with Master. Its hard to put into words exactly what im feeling concerning this, but its almost like i feel like we should go back to the root of things and go over the rules and what works for us and doesn't and if some of the rules that we first thought up don't work then change them. That is one thing i have learned is that this lifestyle changes and sometimes you grow and change as a result. Things that worked when we first got together will be different this time around because we have a child and have to be cautious of the people we are around. Now i feel we just need to figure that part out and remember that the lifestyle is who we are (although we are excellent together as a vanilla couple too, but the lifestyle is at the core of who we are because neither me nor Master could function without it in our lives). So now that we have our own place, maybe it is time to sit down again and talk about the rules and what is expected of me and see where that leads and go from there. Who knows, in the future it may need even more tweaking because nothing is ever perfect when it is first started.
      It has been a crazy road for me and nothing has made me happier and feel more loved by Master and more like His slave then when He pushes my boundaries, like He did on the way home from our trip. He knows just how to make me feel secure and loved and like lil one. There are times that i know that i will disappoint Him or upset Him and times that He will need to punish me, but i know that in doing so He is forgiving me and allowing me to clear my slate with Him. One can only hope that things continue to progress for the both of us and i look forward to even more amazing moments as His lil one as we explore things here.
        On a happier note, Master and i are getting ready to delve into the lifestyle and brave out into the world of munches and play parties. It is harder having to ensure schedules match and that our child is taken care of, but we are excited about getting to know people in our area that are kinky and to really explore this side of ourselves because vanilla friends for us just don't cut it because they don't understand our dynamic and it is easier t be around like minded people, especially if i do something wrong and Master gives me the look or something they understand what is going on. It is exciting and to be honest i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited about going to my first ever munch. Not quite sure when it will be yet, but im excited and nervous and just ready to see what it is all about. Believe me i know it is not all about sex and orgies and things like that, but friendship and talk about things and just making friends.
      Well, i guess that is about enough excitement going on in our lives for now. This semester is starting to wind down and im thankful for that, but still gotta make it to the December before im done and get a break until the next load starts. Best wishes and hopefully i can check in tomorrow after talking with Master about these feelings im having.

Odd how things just come to you isnt it?

  

So last night was an amazing night of Master and i just spending time together laying in bed. It's moments like that which make me extremely grateful for everything that we have and being able to lay next to Him every night. Before things were crazy and i often worked so much that for five nights out of the week i wasn't able to cuddle beside Him and i was asleep while He was awake. It just didn't make things very good for us and left little time for play, not including me being sick in between all of that. So naturally last night made me into a really happy lil one.
   Master is always great about rubbing my back as i go to sleep, which makes me feel loved and safe and helps ease my back to let me sleep since its usually slightly irritated from the day. Well last night i drifted off to sleep and before long Master appeared in my dreams. It's not often that this happens, but i think last night that my dream was trying to tell me something and i think i realized what it is. Master and i had a long talk after my last writing to discuss how i was feeling and just all the emotions that i let well up inside me until they burst and then it turns into long discussions with frustrations and tears and hurt and anger and then resolution. We have talked about how there are times where i want Him to take me and then there are times where i am just feeling like i want to cuddle. There is no way for Him to decipher either one and a part of me felt hurt because i couldn't figure out what to say about that. So we decided if it is a night that i only want to cuddle, i have to let Him know otherwise He will be fully prepared to take His lil one if He wants me. This made me happy because now i didn't feel like i was confusing Him and telling Him one thing but my body language was saying another.
    The talk also led to us discussing about my family and i realized that no matter how hard i try, i feel like im stuck in an endless cycle with them. Master made me realize that i am the typical abuse victim and that im staying with them because of some warped since of hope that they will change and because i love them. Granted its a lot more complicated because it is my parents who were the abusers, but it doesn't make it any better for me to continue to allow them to keep going with the abuse. It's weird how Master's family when told the news about the pre-diabetes and high cholesterol that they sat and talked with Him for a good while asking how I was doing. My family answered with the typical half paying attention "uh-huh" or "oh, okay" answers which meant that they didn't really care about it. It wasn't about them so it didn't matter. Its just hard and im still trying to figure out how to come to a place of acceptance where they are still in my lives, but im not allowing them to continue to be that negative source around me. Theres already been enough hurt and heartache in my life that i don't need anymore.
     So all this brings me to the dream that i had last night with Master in it that made me realize something about myself. In the dream there was a part that Master and i went to this place, i don't know where it was, and they knew Master there. The only reason i know this is because they had this thing where if it was your first time there you had to get naked and walk around. Master didn't have to do it because in this dream He had been there before with another girl. Well being the good sport that i am (at least in the dream i was a good sport) i got naked and was walking around. There was a joke though that whoever was new would get naked and then be surprised by getting hosed off by some cold water. It was weird because when it hit me in the dream it wasn't cold and somehow one of the people had a firehouse that was being sprayed at me. Then the rest of the time that we were there (which was a weekend) i was to spend my time naked. It was weird because in my dream i was totally accepting of this situation. In real life, this thought scares me because i am so self conscious of my body and especially my stomach. Right now i am still a little overweight and am working on losing the rest of my baby weight not to mention the stretch marks that are all over my stomach and arms. Those im not too ashamed about because it came from me doing what i had to for our daughter. But i digress back to the dream....it left me completely embracing being a slave and left me feeling free. There was no worry about what other people thought, it was only about Master's opinion and whether or not He approved. He was the one that i was owned by and His opinion was the only one that mattered when it came to things.   

  This leads me to realize that I need to be completely comfortable in my own skin and stop being negative about myself. Master tells me all the time how pretty i am and there are times where i know that i will disagree with Him, but i need to believe that i am pretty. My body is marked because i had His child. My body carried the greatest gift i could ever give Him in addition to my submission, a child. It also made me realize that i need to embrace my submission and stop fighting Him. He has made me realize that my past is coming back up every time that im with Him because im holding back or i swat Him away. There are times where He doesn't mind me being playful, but then there are times where i need to be serious. It has left Him confused because when i want Him to punish me i still fight Him on it for some reason (ask me why and i couldn't tell you to be honest). He has done everything for me and its time that i start giving back to Him like He has given to me. There should be no more fighting (although i know there may be some as i work through this new mind process) and no more pushing Him away when i know that i really want it. We are married and there is nothing wrong about how we have sex or what we do when we have sex. He is in control and im willing to do whatever He asks me to do because i completely trust Him. He has NEVER showed or given me a reason to not trust Him.
      So here is where im going to list my new goals of what i can do for Master and other things that have popped in my head.

              -stop pushing Him away when He is trying to play with His lil one no matter where we are because He wont do anything to put me in danger or to draw a negative look upon either me or Him
              -allow Him to do whatever He wants to with me without complaint or hesitation and embrace it as meaning He cares about me because He is showing me attention and love by playing with His lil one
              -try new things with Him (examples listed above)
                              *take pictures of myself in bondage created by Master
                              *try playing with new toys that we order or create to play with
                              *wear either a plug or the balls we have out somewhere with Master to remind me
                     of my submission to Him
                              *try new bondage with Master
                              *if Master wishes to, allow Him to choose the outfits that i wear when i go out
                     with Him and any accessories and if He chooses no underware to be okay with it
                               *try wearing outfits for play for Master if He wishes
                              *try anything new that Master wants to try
             -wear His collar during play time (get the items needed to make one for us) or the everyday collar (get the items to make this one as well) to remind me of my submission to Him and where my place is
             -start getting into position the nights that i am home when we go into the bedroom and await for Master to tell me what He wants me to do for the rest of the night (whether it is come snuggle with Him or stay there and go over my tasks for Him) and do so naked to remind myself that He is my Master and controls what i do as His slave
            -sleep in only Master's tshirt and/or underware or whatever other outfit He chooses for me to sleep in to again remind me of my submissiveness and if He chooses me to sleep naked, be comfortable with it
           -allow Master to give maintenance spankings without any thought of backtalk, fighting it, or pushing Him away if He mentions it
           -embrace my submission and stop fighting or holding back from Master and give everything to Him
            
            

Need a friend to lean on after this news....

    So today has been a day full of a lot of reflection. It started in my history class with a quote that was put in there. Odd how decades later and Socrates is still teaching through his words. “No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.” This saying just really hit home with all of the health concerns that I have been facing over the past few years. It reminded me that no matter what is going on with me that i should do the best i can to take care of my body.
    Over the past three years, Master and i have faced a slew of doctor's together from regular doctor to a gastroenterologist and a few other specialists. My symptoms were all over the place and it was hard for the doctors to piece together what was going on with me. There would be test results that would come up abnormal one visit and normal the next or an antibody that would finally pinpoint something turn up positive then the next time it would turn up negative. It was definitely frustrating to say the least to go from doctor to doctor and hear them come up with nothing and then look at me as if it was all in my head. Hearing someone say that it was because i wasn't able to hand things or because i was depressed was just making me start to get that way because nobody could find out what was wrong.
     Just this past week it finally came to where we figured out what was wrong with me. It only took another doctor and a specialist that i should have seen three years ago to finally diagnose me. It turns out what i have is a combination of high cholesterol and im considered to be prediabetic and my pancreas is damaged right now. The high cholesterol is being treated now, but it was mentioned briefly three years ago but for some reason the doctors seemed to only think that telling me would solve it. Having a family history of high cholesterol and already having high cholesterol should have been a red flag, but obviously not. It was allowed to continue on as the blood tests were done and before long, it got to a point of no return. The high cholesterol ended up hurting my pancreas in its own right. For years i have also been having issues with being hypoglycemic until after i got sick. Since i got sick, it has skyrocketed into me being prediabetic. Right now i have to take medicine because my body is no longer recognizing what is or isn't a normal blood sugar. It was definitely scary hearing the word "diabetes" and "impaired glucose", but after meeting with this new doctor it didn't seem so scary after all. The doctor calmed me down by telling me that there is a possibility that i may or may not develop diabetes in the future. It all depends on making changes in my lifestyle about what i eat and adding more exercise in.
     So all this has left me feeling very contemplative about everything in my life and just how i feel about this whole diagnosis. A part of me is accepting of it and i feel that it is definitely a peaceful feeling because there is an answer as to what is going on with me. It sucks that it is a life altering diagnosis, but it makes me all that more thankful for the time that i have. The other part of me is utterly terrified!! Diabetes in today's world is a disease that can sometimes turn into a killer because of the various complications it produces in the human body. This terrifies me because im afraid that something will happen to me and i will leave here early and like Master's father did. His father passed away younger than he should have and it is my fear that i will do the same to Master because of this dreadful thing. Despite the fact that i may not develop it, it still scares me. It scares me for our child and future children. How will this affect them? Did i pass this onto them or is there a chance that they could get it? Will i be there to watch them grow up or will my body say that it is beyond repair and i develop this disease despite the help to prevent it? There are just so many factors that honestly scare me. Plus i hate needles and having to poke myself to give myself any kind of shot during the day and also to check my blood sugar would just kill me. It's so much of a mind trick and i feel like my mind is still slightly trying to wrap itself around the results. There is a huge positive in that we have a diagnosis now, but the downside is the fear of what is to come and whether or not these medicines will work well enough to hold off this major disease.
      Master doesn't quite know that these thoughts well up in me, but they do. There are times that i realize that because of this i have to fight even harder to lose this weight. According to the doctor, i have to lose roughly 40-50 pounds to be considered a healthy weight for my frame and height. Im currently at 188 and it is definitely going to be a struggle, but it is one that i feel has never been more important than now. If i don't make these changes, i could be giving myself my own life sentence and be the reason why i develop full blown diabetes. It is rough and sometimes i feel like emotionally it is draining me because i feel the support system here is super small. It is hard to work to lose weight on your own, even if you have the right motivation. A part of me wants to ask Master to take on the healthy eating that i am because i don't even know what His numbers are and if both of us are eating healthy it will definitely help me. It is just hard because i don't want to seem like a burden to Him and i don't want to seem like im forcing Him into this choice. It's just i wish to have a partner to go through this with and losing weight and just to be happy when we hit milestones of certain weights. It is just hard. IS it mean of me to ask Him to do it with me or should He want to do it with me (not that He doesn't want to do it, its just He likes His food lol)? So i guess my big thing is that my support system is Master and three good friends right now and that is it. Master's family is hit and miss and i feel like i cant rely on them. The bad part is all my friends are spread out and nowhere near her for me to workout with or meet up with for support if im having a bad day. Maybe that's why part of me goes towards the food at night when i feel like the pressures of the day have gotten to me and subconsciously that's my way of handling it. Maybe exercising will help me get back my way of venting and Master will get His lil one back to the way she was before i got sick. This sickness has affected me for so long, im ready to get back to who i was when Master first met me and fell in love with me. My only hope is that i make Him proud through all of this and tha tno matter what happens if things don't change that He knows that i tried my best and that im doing what we can with what ive been given.
     So with that being said, if you're ready this i would love it if you could offer some sort of words of encouragement, advice, tips, tricks, anything would be lovely. Right now my mind is just overwhelmed and i need this more than ever. Anything you offer to me will definitely be read and i will reply back as soon as i can. Again thank you to everyone who reads this blog and im sorry for anyone who is a regular and feels ive dropped off. Its just hard to find out how to deal with this.

Crazy Life Always Getting in the Way

    So lately life has yet again gotten in the way of things and it has left me wondering about a lot. Let me first say that it is nothing about the lifestyle that has gone wrong. Honestly that is the first place where things haven't gone all to hell. Master has been the most amazing man and has done a lot with me in the past few weeks.
    Well it all has started with school and i feel like i have been going crazy. This semester i decided to take on 18 hours and it was definitely something that i am wondering if it was right to do. It is not so much the course load, it is just more about trying to balance the time between working on all my school work and family time with Master and our family. Before when i was in school it wasn't a struggle for me because there was still time for me to work on things and i didn't do anything at work so i used that as time to work on my homework. It is just hard for me and i am definitely struggling with trying to find the right balance of everything. Taking all these hours and then i also have to throw in work to the mix. That is at least 5 to 6 hours average and 4-5 nights a week and add in travel time to and from work and it makes for long days, especially on days that i have classes. So naturally this leaves me struggling and feeling like im neglecting things with Master and the family and not paying enough attention to them. It has left me wondering how to find the balance and how to make sure they don't feel like im neglecting them or not paying enough attention to them. How does someone find the balance between 18 hours of classes, a job of working 5-6 hours, and then homework time as well and then somehow squeeze in time for sleep and U/us time?
      Then to top all this confusion off there is medical issues that have decided to pop up out of the blue again. Recently i have been having feelings like i was going to pass out or getting very shaky. Usually this has been corrected by eating something with sugar and then eating in general. But lately with my job and not being able to take a break to grab a bite to eat, it has been hard. Where i work it gets so busy that i cant just stop work and take a break to eat, even though my body is telling me that it needs food of some sort, without a doctor's official diagnosis. So today i went back for a checkup from last week and the doctor thought that i was hypoglycemic based on my description of my symptoms and told me to check my levels, write them down and keep track when i eat and also anytime i feel shaky or off, and that i could change the way i eat and it may prevent it from developing into diabetes. Now today after going back, it seems things seem bleaker and scarier to me. The doctor told me today that after looking at my numbers im definitely not hypoglycemic. The news that he proceeded to tell me next was even scarier to me. It seemed that based on my lab results that i was close to being diabetic and on top of that he mentioned that because i had such a high triglyceride number my pancreas could have been damaged by it being so high. He mentioned things about diabetes and having "impaired glucose" and how it's not functioning like it should and that is the reason that i am experiencing the symptoms that i am. It is crazy to think that lately i have done everything right (for the most part) since finding out that my triglycerides were that high. It is frustrating to think that it could lead to me having diabetes because of it. Diabetes is very serious and i know like some people say it could be a death sentence. Diabetes affects a lot of things and i know that i definitely want to be around for a long time to come. It has been a crazy day and my mind is still trying to come to the possibility that in the near future i could end up diagnosed with diabetes.

       So other than that, life has been pretty good to me. Master and i are saving to get our own place and as far as the lifestyle is concerned there has been a lot more play and a lot more spice added in. For Master's birthday, i stepped out of my comfort zone and ordered some new toys for Master and i to play with and delve deeper into the lifestyle. It has even been admitted to Him that i want to add to our toybox and get a few more things to play with to make things even more fun than what they already are. He has already had fun with one of His presents and needless to say i think it caused both of us GREAT pleasure. One of His new toys is this magic wand and oh boy is it magic. The other day was my first time playing with it and He teased me for a while with it. That invention is a love hate deal with me because it was so much harder to keep from cumming with it than just having Master play with me with His hands. Then because of me not following His orders, i wasn't allowed to cum so i was left on edge all day. Later that night when Master was ready to play some more, He grabbed the wand for some more fun. The funny part (and slightly embarrassing to admit here) was that when He finally let me cum due to the wand i soaked His part of the bed, floor, and His foot by squirting so much. It was crazy because i never knew that i could do that and it was crazy because i felt so amazing afterwards. Of course i went off into lala land (or subspace as people like to call it) and didn't get to pleasure Master like He should have been pleased. That was the sad part for me, but im glad that i got to fix that the next morning. So anyways, it was interesting trying out our first new toy, i wonder how the next ones will turn out when we get them in the mail tomorrow. These are what i got Master.
       Nipple clamps definitely will be an interesting first for me to try and I wonder if Master will want me to try and wear them under my clothes if we go somewhere just the two of us or if they will be reserved simply for the bedroom only.
    

      This one was a set that i found that i thought would be interesting to buy. It comes with a vibrating butt plug (which would be a first for me wearing at all), mini vibrator, and some pussy balls or kegal balls as they were called. It wasn't a bad price and i am definitely wondering if i will think the same thing when they get here and Master is putting them to good use. When i got the butt plug in the set, i figured it would be an amazing addition to our toy chest because i definitely want to be ready for Master anytime that He decides He wants to use His slaves ass. It will be interesting to wear and i wonder if i will be wearing it outside the house somedays or maybe to a dinner or lunch together with Master holding the remote and me having to keep my composure. The same thoughts could be said about the kegal balls that are in the kit as well.


      This last toy will be a nice addition and im definitely thinking that it will be interesting to be restrained with tape and know that there is no way that i can get out of it. I have never been restrained by tape and it will be a new experience for me that i definitely look forward to and cant wait for Master to try this new toy out on me.

 

 

      So with all of that being said, i am hoping for some more play tonight. Master and i haven't played in a while and He had hinted earlier that there was some fun to be had tonight but im wondering what it will be. He is definitely a Master of playing with my body. A part of me is secretly hoping for some more fun with the wand (even though at the same time i hate how it makes me a moaning puddle of goo) and maybe experiencing being tied down with what we have right now. We have a good bit of ties that could work for us. Either way, i know that He will definitely enjoy playing with His lil one and reminding me that im His slave and to forget the worries of everyday life.