I've Got a Thinkin' Problem...

This past week has been building and building in me and i find myself getting very emotional and seems that im letting my emotions get the best of me. This past weekend was one of the lowest points for me as a submissive type with Master. The two of us have hits ups and downs in the past, but the last major battle had been because of some hormones out of control (due to PPD and quite possibly PTSD combined). Needless to say it led to Master having to leave the room and step away from me when i was going through that. This past weekend was even worse in my mind when compared to that time right after coming home with our child.

Master and i had been doing great and He had even regained a good bit of my trust. It seemed that although i had been saying since i met Him that i trusted Him, the actions of my body and mind were saying something completely different. There was also the major influence of my emotionally abusive parents and family members. The two of U/us had been working on getting me away from the ties that held me to the emotional abuse and trusting Him more. It has been a long road to even get to this point of realizing that i needed to distance myself from that and with Master's help i had been working hard on putting that distance up. There were times that i struggled, i balked at Him, i pulled back when He tried to push me. However, He stayed patient through it all and gently kept that guiding hand there to prod me in the right direction toward breaking the negative bonds in my life and forming positive ones.

Lately it seems that i have been fighting Master harder than usual. He gives an order and it would lead to many heavy sighs, stomping of feet here and there, but i would grudgingly do it. In between those days, there would be a random good day here and there where i would be connected with my inner submissive and the person inside that i have had to keep hidden for so long. The times i would fight Master, the out shell would win the competition and push the real me further down, denying her to come out. This culminated in the major blow up that Master and i had this past weekend.

Carrying around a purse was so hard for me, although i like purses, and i just decided to quit carrying one and place my cards in either my backpack when going to school or my pocket when going elsewhere. While in the truck with Master, i had laid them on the dashboard so as not to ruin them. When He hit the brakes, they slid forward and ended up getting lodged between the dashboard and the cab of the truck (still there as neither one of U/us can figure out how to get it out of there). This led to a blow up to where i blamed Him for causing the loss of two cards that were needed in daily life and yelled at Him like none other. He even told me about two hours after "that is the worst that I have ever been yelled at". At the time all i could think of was how mad i was and He had done so wrong by making those id cards get stuck. When He came to me and tried to verify that i was mad at Him and blamed Him, my head was seething and all i could think was that i was pissed at Him for slamming on the brakes when He always messes with me about my driving. Taking a quote from another writing on fetlife (i claim no credit for this quote at all) "I wanted to surrender. I wanted to obey without question. I wanted to be His. My heart wanted this, desperately, but my head (my fucking, stupid head) kept getting the last word." (from the k&p writing on an un-collaring ceremony)

So needless to say, i blew up at Him but later after i had turned me head off and really thought about things, i realized how stupid i had been at the time. There was a huge apology and a removing of my foot from my mouth. He had been hurt and i realized i had been the one to hurt Him. That shouldnt have happened and i for the life of me could not figure out why it had happened. Still today i do not know and am going to try my best to figure out why i reacted this way. It hurts to know that i hurt Master with what i did and i can only hope to try and prevent it from happening in the future. He forgave me, but there is still a deep fear of mine that it will happen again. :( Now its time to dig deep and try to figure out why i reacted the way i did and what is really at the heart of my deep submission. There is going to be a long search for exercises and things that really make me think of myself and what i want to be for Master as lately it seems i havent been like His lil one. Master, i only hope that in the future i can become a better lil one for You.

Lookout World

Today has brought on a lot of reflection as well as a continuation of this weekend. It has made me realize just how thankful i am for everything in my life from my amazing local munch family to my loving Master who has stuck with me through thick and thin. Each one has been extremely supportive and nurturing of me and i can finally see the results starting to appear. It is still a long process, but there is a little bit of daylight starting to show.

This weekend was an amazing one between bowling and the dinner with the group to spending quiet time with Master. For the first time in a long time i have felt like my true self. I found myself joking and laughing with everyone at dinner and letting go, which is something that hasnt been done in a while. Needless to say that i have always had my guard up because of work or this and that or an event in my past. It had led me to be slightly mistrusting (stupid reasons but hey we all have things that happen right?) and it took me a little bit to really get to know others and truly trust them and realize that they are great friends and resources for both myself and Master.

My previous writing detailed about something that i have kept hidden in my past that has kept me from acting and doing things that i wanted to do, but there is no more of that. From this day forward, i am myself! The playful side of me that has been locked up so long is finally coming out to play. The sunshine is so pretty and it likes finally not having to worry about everything. Master and i have been trying to get back to what we were before the little one came into the picture, but a part of me believes that it was me that was the issue because of things in my head and just hiding behind this huge shell that Master has been trying to chip away at.

There are still a lot of things to work on, but i find myself more open and accepting of things that i think and want to do. Who knows what will happen, but seems that i have a bratty side to me that is newly forming so that will definitely be interesting to see how that goes. It has already led to me throwing myself under the bus a couple times and it will be curious to see what else happens, although i am sure that Master can no doubt handle me. :) He has proven himself more than worthy of it with everything that He has dealt with concerning me and of course He wouldnt be married to me if He couldnt.

:) Guess thats all for now. Hopefully everyone else can see the changes that are being made within myself, but at the very least i do and i know that is all that matters at the end of the day (well mine and Master's of course).

You Dont Hold the Power Anymore!!!

warning this could possibly cause triggers for those who have had trauma in their past so just want to post this now just in case

This weekend made me realize just how much i am loved (not that Master didnt let me know before and continues to let me know) by my new found family. It was a fun filled day of bowling and then a nice dinner together. For the first time i felt like i didnt have to monitor my responses. There was no hiding my responses because i felt they would be taken the wrong way, like an invitation for further things that my head thought they would take that way even if it wasnt meant that way, or just that what i would say would be deemed as childish or weird and completely ignored like i was used to happening. An amazing thing happened....i felt myself blossoming and becoming the lil one that Master has been trying to chip out of my shell. Then later today there was a song that came on and the part that touched me the most was "Scared to rock the boat and make a mess. So i sat quietly, agreed politely. i guess i forgot i had a choice. i let you push me past the breaking point. i stood for nothing. So i fell for everything. You held me down, but i got up. Already brushing off the dust. You hear my voice, you hear that sound? Like thunder gonna shake the ground! You held me down, but i got up. Get ready cause i've had enough!" These lyrics really made me realize that it was time to stand up and let my voice be heard. There is nothing i can do now, but by getting this out i am saying that no more will you be allowed to have this hold on me.

The time has come for me to no longer be afraid! There is a demon in my past that i have let control me for way too long. Keeping the secret and hiding the fact has left me fearful that someone would find out and think that i was just another stereotype. However, the greatest friends in my local munch family have made me realize these notions were stupid and this weekend especially made me realize that i need to face my worst fears. You no longer control me and i am taking my life back. No longer am i going to be afraid to act like myself, shy away from people and hide behind my quiet interior, or even shy away from things with Master because it reminds me of what you did. You dont get that privilage anymore!!

Around this time four years ago, i was in the process of getting to know people in the lifestyle and trying to figure out who i was. One of the many people that i had talked to from Collarme led me to FetLife and it was treasure trove of information. However, i knew to be smart about things and do a good bit of research before fully diving into something. This was more than what i had only dreamed about when i was younger. There were no words to describe how fast i soaked up the knowledge. Admittedly being young and naive, i was talking to numerous guys because one could never tell when it would become serious and half the time many would quit talking to me for no reason after a few messages. Needless to say i guess i could have been known as a player for messaging that many people although, once it got more serious with one i quit.

Looking around the area i was living in, my first search didnt turn out that great. It was a short dip into the poly side of the lifestyle and at the time i didnt find it very appealing to me (more about that at a later time). When my inner brat was left unchallenged by the Dom in that relationship, i moved on. That was when i found you. You smooth talked me and seemed to have what i was looking for. However, a previous sexual assault by a college friend had led me to be even more cautious than normal when the two of us began talking. You told me how you were new to the area and looking to make friends and find a good submissive to get to know and be in a relationship with. You even told me that you were a cop moving from another area and that you were looking to get on in the town. This seemed to calm my nerves and maybe made me a little less cautious that night. That little voice in the back of my head was quieted reading this because i knew that there was a lot in law enforcement and that working as a cop you would understand what the repercussions were of someone who had been assaulted.

Plans were made and the night we were supposed to meet i did what was suggested by most of the sites that i had read when meeting someone from the lifestyle. A friend had your contact information and knew that we would be meeting at a theater for a movie and then i would be returning home after. There were no plans for any type of play or anything of that nature. The friend was texted when i got there and then texted to be told that everything was okay. Reassured by you that i looked good in anything, i showed up in a pair of sweat pants and my windbreaker. You didnt seem to mind, but if i knew then what i know now, i should have known that you had nothing but one thing on your mind.

Going into the movie, the seats were chosen and didnt seem that bad to me at first. You chose seats in the back corner of the theater, but they actually turned out to be pretty good seats for the most part. The view was the same as if it was in the middle of the theater. You had no plans to watch the movie. To this day, i still do not remember what movie it was because i was too terrified during the movie. About ten minutes into the start of the movie i felt your hands moving. At first i didnt think anything of it, but then they became more insistent. Then there was a whisper in my ear that i was a good slut and that i had better not make any noise. It was all i could do to sit there because this had turned into a bad situation. You had me there, frozen in my seat unable to do anything to defend myself. I couldnt scream or cry or yell for help. Who would believe me when i was sitting there and you had your hands down my pants. It would look as if you were just trying to get some action or something. On top of that, knowing you were a cop just terrified me even more. It was all i could do to get out of that theater when we ended.

You then took it upon yourself to walk me out of the movie theater and suggested walking over to your truck, half walking and half dragging me over there with a grip on my arm. You gave me no room to decide. Getting to the passenger side, you unlocked the door and "suggested" i get into the truck. Now this is where i became afraid. Who was to say what would happen once i got in the truck. Where would you take me? What would do? Would i remain alive? Again, there i sat frozen in fear as you got in on your side of the truck. You pulled me to you and began to fumble around in my pants saying that you wanted some more of what you got inside. Unfreezing for a few minutes, i found my will power to say no and tried to push your hands away. Try as i might though, i couldnt push your hands away and i find myself fighting the tears back. My hands were beginning to shake and i was fighting the flashbacks. As your hands fumbled in my pants, my hands fumbled for my cell phone in my pocket. Finally finding it, i faked a phone call to my friend. Panicking, i began to tell him that he was locked out and that i would be there shortly, hoping he would understand the code that i was trying to tell him. That i needed him to pretend a little longer so that you would buy the ruse. Somehow your cop radar must have been on because at first you didnt buy it when i got off the phone. Your hand began invading my personal area and assaulting my most private area yet again. Three times of telling you no and you still didnt get the point. You kept grasping and trying to pull me to you. To this day i can still see the side of your truck, messy as can be, as i tried to hope and pray that you would let me go. Finally after the fourth time of crying no and almost sobbing as it came out and pleading that i had to go, you let me go. I told you thank you for the movie, trying to hide the fact that my body was getting ready to collapse on me. You left and told me to let you know when i made it home. That was the last time i saw or contacted you.

Unbeknownst to you, i was able to make it to my car. Getting there, i sat down and sobbed my eyes out. My mind couldnt get around the fact that i had just been assaulted. All i remember was driving home in a daze. Once getting there, i couldnt stand staying in my apartment by myself and knew i didnt want to be alone. I had to talk with my friend for several hours before i was finally calm enough to go back into my own apartment. You are the reason for this! You had me at my most vulnerable and took advantage of it! You are the reason that until recently i have never been able to fully trust anyone! Sobbing my story out to me friend, he urged me to tell someone. However thanks to your lovely piece of news, i was unable to get any kind of justice. You were a cop and would be able to side with your brothers in arms. Believe me being a former cop myself, i know how it is. Yall stick together! Because of you i couldnt report it. On top of that, there is no way i could tell any counselor about this because who would understand the dynamics of the lifestyle (before i knew there were kink friendly therapists).

Because of you and what you did i had panic attacks, lashed out at my Master when He would do something that triggered me, bottled myself and put myself in a plastic bubble to protect myself. You took my faith out of the justice system and if i had known at the time what i could have done to prevent another girl like myself being hurt, i should have done it. However hindsight is 20/20. You ruined the past four years of my life, but i am determined to not let it last any longer. Believe me, you better be glad that i deleted all prior messages from you on here and have no memory of what your name was because i would totally be outing you if at all possible. You deserve to rot in hell for what you did and i hope that one day you get what you deserve! You are sick bastard!

But the joke is on you because i have an amazing family that i have met (my lovely WAK family) and an amazing Master who is a million bazillion times better than you could ever hope to be. He knew how to get my submission without even asking for it. He didnt TAKE anything from me! i GAVE it to Him! He and the other Dominants/Masters that i know are better than you will ever be. From this day on, i am no longer letting you control my life. There will be no more bottling up the submissive that was searching before i met you. That bratty/playful submissive that my Master hasnt seen in so long because of you. He deserves to see that submissive and all the other parts of me that have been kept hidden because of the damage you caused.

"You think you got the best of me? Think you've had the last laugh? Bet you think that everything good is gone? Think you've left me broken down? Think that id come running back? Baby you dont know me cause you're dead wrong! What doesnt kill you makes you stronger! Stand a little taller! Doesnt mean im lonely when im alone! What doesnt kill you makes a fighter! Footsteps even lighter! Doesnt mean im over cause youre gone! What doesnt kill you makes you stronger." and "Thanks to you i've got a new thing started! Thanks to you im not the broken-hearted. Thanks to you im finally thinking about me!"

You are the loser in all of this and it is me who is the winner because of everything i have gained. Consider this my last time letting the memories of what you did haunt me! Im finally free and it feels absolutely amazing!!

Internal Growth

It seems that this month has brought on a lot of changes and i have never been happier with the person that is appearing. It has taken a while for this change to occur, but Master has been the most patient man on the earth while waiting for me to make these changes.

This past week has been an interesting week to say the least and i found myself closer to Him after the lovely wax class that W/we had taken part in over the past weekend. It made me feel that much more in love and the feelings of trust were so strong that i really did realize that i had not been honest with myself in the past when i said that i trusted Him. It just wasnt completely true in the past and i feel bad for saying it when i obviously didnt mean it at the time. The trust allowed me to feel more open and realize that by communicating with Him it makes it easier for Him to understand what is going on with me.

Communication has been a big problem in my past because of the whole getting mad like a two year old and stomping off. Dont get me wrong that hasnt completely changed over night, but He has learned that there is no such thing as a "nothing" answer when He asks me whats wrong. It has become easier to talk to Him and i dont find myself just standing there huffing and puffing waiting for Him to just let me go and leave me alone. It had worked once or twice in the past, but He began to call my bluff and wouldnt take no for an answer especially after the talk leading to things that i personally needed to change within myself. Since W/we talked about me doing better at talking with Him, i have made a huge effort to do so. W/we have instituted a notebook that i now carry with me to write down any thoughts, feelings, questions, concerns, basically anything that crosses my mind at any given moment that i want Him to know. It was an idea from a good friend of O/ours and it has been working wonders. It allows me to get across my feelings because He sees it every day. He has always known that i am more of a writer when it comes to expressing myself and the notebook is the way to get the ball rolling for me to open up and talk.

Now that W/we have worked on that, i find myself actually opening up as a person and not thinking that my desires and wishes sexually or otherwise are dirty. It was a big part of the issues that i experienced while growing up and it has taken a while to break down these walls. These issues caused by family and other things made me feel that the things i wanted was dirty, i was dirty as a person for wanting these things, i was disgusting for liking the things that i am into, my body was disgusting because i was/am overweight, and many more evil thoughts and insecurities that should never have gotten as far as they did. He has helped me to work through them and the biggest one being able to open up sexually with Him.

The other night was an interesting experience and personally i found myself opening up for Him. He has commented in the past that He is the one doing all the work when we get together intimately in the bedroom. This past week there was a night that i felt different. Realizing how much i trusted Him and that He wouldnt say anything negative about me and that He loved my body just the way it was, i opened myself up for Him. It took a lot for me to ask Him, but i got the courage up and asked Him to tie me up and tease me because i had missed it. He agreed and during the process i found myself completely open and enjoying it. The scene allowed me to open up to Him in a way that i felt i hadnt done since before i left for the military, maybe even before then. That night i felt free and let go in a way that was so amazingly awesome. It was the first time i felt myself participating other than doing what He told me to do to help the intimacy of the moment.

The events of that night are strictly between myself and Master (sorry no juicy tidbits), but what i can say is that it made me realize just how much i had grown in taking the advice of how to fix things that i felt were wrong with me and become a better slave for Master. It is still a long way from where i want to be as far as being open and participating more with Master and being vocal about what i want, such as if i want Him to tie me up or if i would like a spanking because i feel that i need it, but i know that it is most definitely a good step in the right direction. It wont happen overnight, but slow and steady wins the race (or at least thats what W/we were all taught as kids right?).

It has taken a lot of work and there is still an uproad battle, but i find myself realizing more everyday just how much i love Master and it reconfirms why i married Him. He is the man who has been there by my side when so many times He could have just thrown in the towel and left but He chose not too. He chose to take me on knowing all my baggage and stuck with me even after things changed when i left for the military. He may never know how much i love Him and am truly grateful for Him taking care of me and staying by my side through everything. He makes me want to improve myself for Him and so far it seems to be going well. He is my heart and soul and i would conquer the world for Him if He wanted me to. :) Love You Master and hope that You saw a change in me like i did and that i can continue to make You proud.

Finding Myself Has Taken a New Turn

So this past weekend was absolutely amazing between both Friday and Saturday nights. Since finding O/our way into O/our local munch group, Master and i have been working at becoming more involved and actually embracing the lifestyle that W/we live. It has worked wonders and i find that the two of U/us are actually becoming closer than W/we ever were before. But i digress back to this past weekend. W/we enjoyed a lovely Christmas party with O/our local munch and the White Elephant Game. It was definitely an interesting twist on the game playing it with mostly kinky presents. Master even got involved by pulling the numbers for the group. It was a night full of fun and laughter and just feeling free and enjoying time with friends.

It led to another talk with someone who i feel is a mentor/friend for both Master and myself. It is someone that i can ask questions about how to do things better for Master if i cant figure it out myself and i want to do better for Him. Master is an amazing man and anything that i can do to make my submission to Him that much better is a win in my book. The talk was about a new decision the two of U/us came up with after a previous talk of keeping a notebook on me so that if i get an idea or some topic that i wish to talk with Master about i can write it down so that i dont forget it. It is a way for me to communicate better with Him because that is a big issue for me. It is so much easier for me to write things down then to say them directly to Him, although im working on that. This notebook helps me relay how im feeling, what im thinking, and various things throughout the day that would otherwise be lost.

Then came the most amazing night for me. Master and i decided to participate in the local BDSM class and it was on wax play which has always been a very touchy issue for me. Before i met Master i had experimented with a poly couple when i was trying to figure out what i wanted in the lifestyle. The "dom" had decided he wanted to try wax play with me and used a birthday candle from a close height on my inner thigh and crotch area. It hurt like hell and it left me afraid of wax play so when i met Master i had told Him that i was afraid of it. He never pushed the issue as He knew i had a few bad experiences when coming into the lifestyle and left it alone. Before going to this class He brought up the idea of me being a demo and i ran with it. Lately i have been trying to get more out of my shell and put myself out there and become more of a social person than i have been in the past few years. By getting out of my comfort zone, i want to work to a place where i realize that being kinky is okay and that there is nothing wrong with it and that i shouldnt be ashamed of my body (completely separate issue but long story short is that i dislike my belly from being slightly overweight and my stretch marks--tiger marks as He calls them--from my pregnancy).

Class time came and admittedly i was extremely nervous because of what it would entail. However thanks to previous talks with Master and the mentor i knew that i would be placing my utmost trust in Master and the class leader. Master would know what i could handle and told me that He would stop things if He felt that they were getting to be too much for me. Class started with trying wax dripped on my back. It was interesting to say the least and tested me because at this point i didnt know how i was going to react to the wax. Thankfully i made it through (although Master offered to go up there with me and stand right there and two friends offered to distract me and give me something to focus on too). It was no where close to the pain i had felt with the birthday candle and definitely felt good.

Time came for them to come off and that was interesting. The technique for taking off wax can incorporate a knife (this case it did) and that is another big fear of mine. Thankfully it wasnt bad at all and the wax was removed. Then it was on to playing with paraffin wax and learning what it feels like when putting it on someone. This was WAY different than the regular wax in that it ran and set very fast too. It was a very interesting experience with that and it definitely tickled something crazy coming off. It tickled so bad that i was giggling, which caused others to laugh.

After that i was asked how i was doing and i replied better and that the good memories had replaced the bad ones. It was mentioned that now that i had good memories i could trust Master enough that i could let go the next time we tried the wax. Well oddly enough the next time we tried it was a little bit later in the class. Trusting Master has been high on my list of things to work on for Master because it is why i am hesitant to do certain things with Him. Placing my trust in Him, i asked Him to try three of the low heat candles and i trusted Him to know if it was too much for me or if i could take more. He did very well and checked on me throughout using the first candle. Then it was time to switch to the next one. He was great about letting me know what color was next and it felt amazingly good. It was an oddly good sensation and i could feel myself trusting Him to where i could let go and enjoy the wax sensations. The next color was dropped and i found myself giggling again as it hit certain spots on my back. The part that truly sent me over the edge though was when it was recommended to then drip the paraffin wax that had been pulled off my back earlier back over me. It was a crazy mix of sensations and i found myself letting go and loving every minute of it. He knew just how far to push me and did just enough to where i wasnt uncomfortable for my first try after replacing the bad memories of the birthday candle.

The part that i think back to the most is right after this little time, Master had me stand up. It was asked if i could be brave enough and i answered yes. This was after the wax had been cleaned off my back from right before. Standing there with Master in front of me, i watched Him give the okay for what was about to be tried. Then i felt the tugging on my back and knew there was a knife, especially after hearing the words "hold still". It was then i had my first experience with knife play. It happened faster than i thought and was just the knife being dragged across my skin in a design. It was definitely interesting and left me wondering if what i thought about knife play was right. It may be something to see what Master thinks about it in the future.

Thinking back to the class this past weekend i have realized a lot both about myself and about Master and i's relationship. In the past it seems that i havent fully put my trust in Master. It may not be 100% there (more like 95% it feels like to me), but it is being worked on slowly but surely. That night showed me just how much i can trust Him. He knew how scared i was of knives and knife play and was right there for me, ready to stop it if He felt things were too much for me. He had my best interests at heart and really wanted me to have a great time. The class made me realize that things are a lot different than how i felt when i first got into this lifestyle.

Leaving the class i had never felt more secure, loved, and accepted than i had then. The group in the class made me feel welcome and accepted both during and after the class (Waffle House was a blast!!!). It made me feel less self conscious about my body because there was no evil looks or bad comments made about how my body looked. It also made me feel trust in not only Master but those around me because help was offered without even knowing my situation. Thank You to the two friends for the offer to help when i first went up there. Also thanks to the wonderful teacher for teaching the class and being understanding and for helping Master be able to play with wax with me. I was made to feel welcome and it has left me wanting to explore more and see what else i can do outside my comfort zone. There are still some insecurities, but it seems the more that i become involved in things like our spa day and the class i find myself accepting who i am, which in turn makes things better for both myself and Master.

He is my champion and i have never felt so much in love and i only hope that these changes are making Him proud of me. He is the reason that i want to get out of my comfort zone and explore new things despite experiences i may have had in the past. Who knows what the future holds, but it seems VERY bright with Master and our lovely new family that W/we have found in the munch group W/we joined. Last bit is a HUGE thank You to Master for being so acceptable of me and my flaws and feeling insecure in myself. Thank You for pushing me to become better and for knowing that i can do things even when i doubt myself. You are truly an amazing man and i thank God everyday that i was blessed with You both as my Master but as my husband and best friend. :) i only hope to make You proud of me as i continue to embrace these new changes.

Revelations After a Munch Night Talk

Normally i don't write on here, but after this weekend it definitely warrants a new look at things and i have no shame anymore of hiding things. This is how im feeling and if someone wants to stop by my profile and read it then more power to them and if not then its okay. This Friday my Master and i went to our local munch and had an amazing time. This was only our second time, but it was one that truly stands out for me. :) It was an eye opening night to say the least and it was in part thanks to a lovely new friend who was willing to take the time to talk to Master and myself while answering the questions i had.

Since joining this lifestyle a few years ago, i thought that i had done a good bit of research and had come to know who i was as far as identifying myself and how i fit into that role. To me things had their rocky moments, but i had found my place as His slave and most of the time i acted like one. There were times where i would rebel and He would fix it. Things felt off to me, but i thought maybe it was just how things change after children come into the picture (believe me i know it changes). Things continued to progress with me and there were times that i will admit here that i put up walls that i shouldn't have to defend myself against the one person i should have trusted. He is the one i should have turned to, but instead i went and hid like a little kid sulking in a corner. Often this happened when i would disagree with Him and instead of being graceful about it, i would get upset and angry and run. There was not enough distance between us and i felt that by stomping around and huffing around that i was going to "show Him". It "showed Him" nothing other than i could act like a complete idiot and show off when i disagreed with what He said. Everytime i did that, i was hurting Him without knowing it because i didn't have the confidence in Him.

Things have been slightly better, but still off recently and it was finally brought to my attention why by a new friend at the local munch. It started with a simple conversation about a spank a sub congo line that i had seen at the first play party Master and i went to. My comfort level was changing as i realized just how much i could set the scene and i realized i had the control in a way. It was up to me to control how they hit, what they used, and where they hit (avoiding a spot that i have that instantly stops all play when hit). All of that led to a conversation about the lifestyle and things in it. It was a lot of things and my head is still trying to remember every little detail (seems preggo brain lasts after the baby too). It progressed to where Master, O/our friend and His partner, and myself talked together about me. The new friend was able to read me like a book and laid out that i feel torn in 20 different directions because i am constantly afraid of letting everyone in my life down. Cue emotions and the need to burst into tears at this moment, but the tears waited. From there He explained that the only person that i should be worried about is Master and nobody else. He is my rock and that i should rely on Him and tell Him when i feel that way so He can help me figure out how to not feel like that. Tears were threatening to fall at this point, but somehow i still was able to hold them back. Maybe it was pride by this point or stubbornness in wanting to appear strong. Either way i continued with the questions and the revelations that were going to happen.

As the questions spilled out, the answers became harder to bear, but it was truths that i needed to hear. My family has always been one of those that i feel pulls me in twenty different directions and i don't want to let them down (especially since it is my parents) but i don't want to disappoint or upset Master either. In the past i was easily guilted into doing things that i normally wouldn't have done. The emotional abuse growing up was hard to take and even now as an adult i had found myself falling back into the cycle with my parents. Imagine the writing talking about how to identify an emotional manipulator and my parents fit that writing to a T. Through the conversation i realized that i had let them control my life too much and that it was time to hand over to Master the reins and let Him deal with them pulling me in numerous ways.

The rest of the night led to more revelations about how i deal with my parents emotional abuse growing up, my parent's change, and that i haven't been trusting Master as much as i should have been. There were things that i should have trusted Him with that i blew up about or didn't turn to Him for help with. It hurt to realize just how bad i had let things get and how lost i had become in getting away from the real lil one that i had kept hidden for so long. To be honest, im surprised that He didn't try to pull His hair out or spank my butt black and blue for everything that i have done to Him. Instead He has stood by me and tried to understand me. He has been the most loving and caring Dominant that i feel so much pride in having Him as mine.

Part of this talk Friday night brought to realization that sometimes these behaviors are done because there is a hidden reasoning behind it, such as because i need to be punished/spanked for the emotional release it provides or another reason. (Please forgive me now for not remembering the other one, but this is the major one that i remembered). It seems that all the times i was getting mad and putting walls up was because i didn't know how to communicate with Him that i was overstressed or feeling pulled in twenty directions. It made me realize that i need to learn how to communicate better with Him and if i want a spanking for an emotional release that i cant be afraid to ask for one or let Him know how im feeling.

This talk Friday night led to all these new revelations and a long conversation on a drive home this afternoon between Master and myself. It has awakened this feeling inside me of wanting to do the best i can to please Master and i haven't felt this huge overwhelming need since before O/our child came into the picture, probably since W/we were dating. Right now i am still trying to figure out what to do and it may take a little while, but i see a bright new U/us in the future and an even more cohesiveness between U/us as partners. This is my promise to no longer put walls up, stomp away in anger when Master disagrees with something that i said, allow my family to control me and pull me into so many directions, care what others think outside of Him and to work extremely hard to communicate better with Him. :) This has made me excited to embrace these new changes for Master and to give Him back the lil one that He has missed having around (and some of me that He has never seen because i have kept it so walled up and put away).

Emotional Turmoil

Today has left me feeling a little, how do i put it, overwhelmed and a few other emotions. It is weird because i find myself having these moments of inspiration and then others where i hit self doubt and wonder if i can really do this. Panic mode may have set in just a little bit as well.

Guess to explain why the emotional turmoil, i have to explain whats going on in my head and world right now. Today was my third day of classes (although my second day in a particular class as they alternate days) and it has left me feeling very overwhelmed and wondering. This morning was my anatomy class and while i was surprised by how well i kept up, i cant help but wonder if that is me with a false sense of confidence. Am i being over confident to the point where it will cause me to fail in the end or am i just trying to psych myself out so that i do as well as i wish to? Either way my mind is hoping and praying that this semester goes better than the last (not my best grades ever.....i missed a lot of what i should have gotten done).

In 7 months time frame i will be applying for nursing school. Last night i had a professor say that my school's nursing program is more competitive than another school that is supposedly more prestigious. It terrifies me to think that my school is way more competitive and they only allow in at most 125-130 students. Will i be able to become a part of that number of nursing students and experience that happiness? Will i get in the first time i apply? Will my scores and grades be good enough for the people judging me to accept me and let me in the program? Will i do well on the TEAS test that im required to take or will i bomb it and have to hope and pray that i pass the second time? There are so many questions running through my head concerning the nursing program and if im good enough. It seems everyone has these self doubt moments and im hoping this is just that.

Call it early jitters or whatever else you wish to call it, but i feel like im so worried about if i will get in or not and if i will be good enough to get in. This semester is going to be hard and i find myself wondering if i will have enough time to devote to Master like He needs me to, O/our child and family time so that they feel loved, balance time to work on my school assignments and studying and reviewing notes, spending time with friends and family, work, and just taking time for myself. A wise friend/mentor suggested setting time away for myself to ensure that i dont get burn out, but how do you do that when there are such huge expectations and milestones coming up that are what will make/break you? This is what im struggling with the most is figuring out how to balance all of these while still working towards my goal of becoming a nurse.

Maybe i just need some encouragement, but today has found me struggling. So friends if any of Y/you have any words of encouragement, i could use it today. This feeling may come and go throughout the semester as i know i took on a huge challenge, but im determined to work through this somehow. :) Hopefully today will pass and i will get back to my inspired self, but for now i dont feel so inspired or hopeful :/ Maybe its time to blast my song "Brave" and "Stronger" to help boost my mood and knock these feelings of doom and gloom out the window.

16 Facts About Me

1. Most people do not know that i am a mother to a beautiful baby who decided to enter this world almost two months early. Master and i spent almost two months in the hospital on strict bedrest and uncertainty as to when the baby would come into this world from 25 weeks to 32 weeks, with me going into labor seven different times during that time. To this day the thought of the baby in the NICU still brings tears to my eyes.

2. Growing up i always knew that i wanted to work in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit from the time i could say the word. I even met my Neonatologist who was still practicing and told her before i graduated high school.

3. i was taught how to shoot a variety of handguns from an M9 Beretta, M4, M16, M203 grenade launcher, M249 machine gun, and a M240B machine gun and loved every minute of it. Even though i havent shot one in a year or so, i can still hit a target in the gut or head as i was taught.

4. Most people find it hard to believe that at 23 i am a veteran of the military. i served in the military for almost three years and was let go due to the drawdown in the number of troops. If it wasn't for that, i would still be in the military.

5. i was very ill while in the military and went through numerous doctors and counselors trying to find out what was wrong with me. They never did find out what was wrong with me and were very puzzled as to why my symptoms occurred, but could not find an obvious source. It wasn't until i got out of the military that my diagnosis was that i was prediabetic and high cholesterol which is what caused all my symptoms.

6. i was emotionally abused as a child growing up and was even physically abused on a couple of occasions. To this day my parents still refuse to believe that they emotionally abused me, but it has left its scars on me that Master is trying to ease and make look better.

7. when i was first learning about the lifestyle and looking to dip my toes in, i was in a poly relationship for a few weeks. i had met a couple and they were helping me figure out what i liked and didn't like and in the end i decided that subbing for a couple was not my thing.

8. i have been blackmailed by a so-called "dom" in the lifestyle(who was high up in the military) when it came to him threatening me when i was going to be at basic training. He did this when i was talking to Master. This was the one valuable lesson that i realized just how much i can lean on Master and how i shouldn't hide anything from Him. It almost cost me my relationship with Him.

9. i have been the victim of a sexual assault two different times by two different people. The first one was a friend of mine in college who assaulted me in my dorm room with my roommate in the bunkbed below. The second was by a "dom" in the lifestyle who assaulted me in the public parking lot of a movie theater and the only way i got out was by fake calling a friend and pretending they were locked out. To this day i still have a few things that trigger these memories that Master knows about.

10. i love to blast my music driving down the road even if people look at me funny. It makes me feel happy and can brighten my mood or help me get my personal feelings out.

11. i am a Disney kid at heart and no matter what if one of my favorite Disney movies is on tv i will drop what i am doing and watch it. They will always be movies that teach various lessons about life and love and death and other things.

12. Before i joined the military i was a very introverted person and it was hard for me to speak up or make new friends. Since joining the military i am now more of an extrovert and am working on speaking out and making new friends even if it means jumping out on a limb.

13. Secretly i love going shopping for school supplies and anything to do with school from notebooks, papers, rulers, etc. i am the one parent that is looking forward to going school shopping and i love the smell of new supplies.

14. i am highly organized when it comes to writing down everything and when it is due that my parents used to laugh at me for making numerous lists to be organized. Last semester alone it allowed me to take on an 18 hour course load and a 17 hour load this semester.

15. Sometimes i talk in my sleep and carry on a conversation with Master but don't remember any of it the next morning.

16. i am HIGHLY competitive and will play any sport alongside the guys. i have played softball, soccer, ran cross country, flag football, ultimate frisbee, and many other sports. There is not a losing bone in me and i will do my best to keep it up regardless of what it means for my body (one reason why i sprained my left knee in college) in the process. im not one of the girls who is afraid of breaking a nail when playing with the guys.

Desires....

      So tonight has found me thinking about a lot of things and most of it is concerning Master. He is the most amazing man ever and today has just completely solidified that even more. There has been so much growth between the two of U/us that i am really amazed at just how far W/we have come. Granted there are still days where i revert back to my old ways, but Master is much more quick to set me back in my place and in my ways.
      Master and i had a nice long talk last month about what things i would like to change and various things that i would like to see in myself. A lot of it has been from introspection thanks to a friend that Master and i met at the local munch. Not sure about Master, but i know that i consider this person to be a mentor to me and Master too. The insight revealed that i need to learn how to ask Master for something if i need it. He is not a mind reader and if i need something He cant tell that i need it unless i am open with Him about it. This is something that i have tried so hard to work on, but it is hard for me to vocalize my needs to Him. He knows that it is not easy for me to ask Him to tie me up and use me or to do this or that to me. There is a part of me that has been shut down for a while now due to how i was raised and the ideas that my family put in my head. My parents decided that it wasnt right to have different desires and urges (hypocritical because of the situation with my dad being transgender and my mom still being married to him). It wasnt normal to show these desires and urges and on top of that, most of my memories of relationships growing up was one of fighting and bickering and keeping things behind closed doors. With Master, it has taken some time for me to learn that it is perfectly acceptable to want Master to touch me or to give Him a kiss although W/we will never be ones to be on the verge of having sex in public because W/we dont like that kind of display.
         Working out with Master was such an amazing feeling for me today. It was amazing to know that He was right there with me, going through what i was going through. He was acting just as goofy as i was doing the workout videos and then went for a walk with me after the workouts. It felt amazing and i am still on that high even though its hours after the fact. He made me feel so special and i just cant believe how special i felt. It has taken a while for me to get on the train for working out, but im glad that He is right there and not against doing it with me.
          That brings me to the thing that is weighing on my mind heavy tonight. It has been a good while since Master has given me a spanking (like a good spanking not from where i got in trouble). When the mentor told me that there are times where i need something from Master and it may even be a spanking or something along those lines, i thought it would be forever before i would be able to ask Him for a spanking. These new changes have allowed me to become more connected with my inner self. It may be just in writing, but i know that i am asking Him for a spanking. It is a desire that i feel in me that i couldnt quite tell before. There is this need and desire in me to feel Him mark His lil one, to spank me and mark me as His, to remind me of my place as His lil one, to soothe my worries and fears, just to resituate myself. There are other reasons, but those are the only ones that i can put into words. He has just made me feel so much more like my slave self that i feel i need to get back to it even more. Things are stressing me out and a spanking centers me.
          There is another need too. It is a need to be taken by Master and used as He wishes. It feels like so long since the two of U/us have been able to play that i feel off centered. He has tried anal with me again and i find myself wanting that and to feel Him just in me and used at His whim. It was amazing to feel Him and the love i feel when He ties me up and teases me......ummm yeah. It makes me feel whole and complete to know that i please Him by allowing Him to do that to me and it makes me feel so pleasurable at the same time. Just to feel His hands running up and down my body and knowing that my body is His to do with as He pleases. Yummy. Oddly enough im hoping that Master will enjoy His lil one tonight by making good use of my body for Him. My mind is thinking of Him cumming in my ass and how it feels so good when after He gets comfortable He starts plowing in and out making me feel crazy and then the feeling when He uses the wand on me as He is going in and out of my pussy. Ahhhhh i find myself craving all these different sensations. My mind is hoping for a session from Him to leave me relaxed and feeling even more connected to Him.
            It may not be tonight or it may not be til next week, but i know that Master will read this and know that this is my way of asking Him. He is my Master and i trust Him completely to know when to give me what i need. Last night allowed me to reconnect with Him in an amazing way and im hoping that tonight He will do the same thing again. Last night was the first time in a good little while that i have worn my collar and it left me feeling very submissive. Im not sure how Master feels, but im hoping that every night W/we can put on my collar until it is time to sleep because it makes me feel whole and complete and very connected with Him.
         This blog post may be a lot of rambling, but im hoping it makes sense for the one person that im trying to express my feelings for. It is a good thing that mother nature has disappeared and His lil one is excited to be able to show just how much i love Him. :) love You so much Master. Now to watch the movie with You and enjoy Your roaming hands.

Being Brave

This holiday season has led me to a lot of revelations about myself, my Master, O/our family, and O/our local munch family. It is both good and bad because part of it was an amazing thing that i realized about both Master and myself that is making me so proud of myself, but the other part is so disheartening to me and it makes me just feel so down and out. However, there is always a silver lining to everything and that will be expanded on later.

Lately my new personal anthem has taken the shape of a popular song(actually 2-3 of the new popular songs) and i find it being played whenever i feel myself going down the negative road. It is so inspirational to me and keeps me from dwelling on these negative feelings that would have overwhelmed me in the past and caused me to lash out at Master. He knew in the past why these were happening and would take a step back and sometimes my lashings hurt Him, but He was quick to realize the situation. Now He has told me that He couldnt be prouder of me for turning over this new leaf. He laughs, but in a good way, because when He hears these songs He knows that it is my way of destressing and preventing these people and situations from getting the better of me. They are the song "Brave" by Sara Bareilles, "Roar" by Katy Perry, and "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson.
"You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle 'neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave"
~"Brave" by Sara Bareilles

With my temporary job, I allowed myself to work as much as possible because i knew that W/we needed the money and there was no guarantee how long it would last. This meant that i was working on Christmas eve. When i was originally hired, Master's family made plans that on Christmas eve the family would get together and His grandfather to celebrate because the older brother did Christmas with his wife's family on Christmas day. So in this conversation which the family members had in a group message on FB, i told them all that i was going to be working that day and that my family would be in town (originally they were supposed to be). Well on Christmas eve, i was at work and Master and i had decided that W/we would go visit on Christmas since i was off and my family had changed plans. Well i sent out a text to the older brother and younger brother's wives telling them that W/we would be up if they wanted to meet up since they had presents they wanted to exchange. It was basically letting them know the approximate time frame that W/we were expected to be up there to visit and they could get their presents from U/us as well. Needless to say the conversation turned from "im sorry but if we had known sooner we could have made plans" to (this next part is the conversation from one wife to me--the conversation where i could tell she was trying to make me feel like crap)

younger Wife: "im working until 2 and then going to older wife's. thats why we all planned on going to His grandfather's. so we could all spend Christmas together. ill just leave your presents at His grandfather's."
me: ok sorry. we just found out"
younger wife: "why dont yall come tonight?"
me: "im working and my family was supposed to be here but they changed plans"
younger wife: "what time do you get off? im working today. im going afterwards."
me: "i dont get off til late tonight. plus its at least an hour drive for us to get there."
younger wife: "ok. well i can leave your presents at His grandfather's that way yall get them"

(This second conversation is from the older brother's wife to me. She set up the meet up to celebrate Christmas for Master's side of the family because her family celebrates their own Christmas on Christmas morning.)

older wife: "gosh if we would have known earlier we could have but tomorrow is completely filled were doing our family Christmas...." "No sorry we have a bunch of family tomorrow. Thats why we set up His family side tonight..just let me know the next time yall come down a couple days in advance"
me: "okay sorry. we just found out. i can leave your gifts at His grandfather's"
older wife: "its cool but we will def have to meet up the next time!!...."
me: "ok sounds good"
older wife: "are your parents spending the night with yall"
me: "no they changed plans and are stopping by after Christmas later this weekend"
older wife: "oh ok yall still cant come tonight?"
me: "no im working late an its at least an hour drive to get to His grandfather's for us"
older wife: "oh yea younger wife, younger brother, and older brother work today to. older brother just doesnt have far to drive. what time do you get off"
me: (at this point i was just pissed and i just threw out a late time so they would leave me alone) "11"
older wife: "gotcha"

Needless to say that these text messages between both of them (both at the same time) infuriated both myself and Master. This was family and they were basically trying to make U/us feel like crap for not being there when W/we had already explained due to work obligations there was no way we could make it. To be honest, if they had reacted differently W/we may have gone that night because it started at 630 and i got off work at 5 but because of this interaction W/we both refused to go. W/we have a set timeline for O/our family because of a child and it would require U/us to drive about an hour fifteen minutes to hour and a half to get to the family house and then not having eaten yet (which makes for cranky child) and just all sorts of other factors playing into it that just wasnt a good setup for U/us. Receiving all these texts at work infuriated me and Master was just as furious when i sent Him a copy of the messages that i was receiving, especially after i told Him that they made me feel like they were trying to single U/us out for not coming there and for not coming despite me working. It made me made, but i vowed to not let it bother me too much.

Fast forward to today and i find that i have found even more clarity when it comes to this so called "family" of O/ours (more His than mine but my family has its own faults too which a post in and of itself). His older brother's wife was throwing the get-together on Christmas eve so she could celebrate Christmas with her own family Christmas day. However, the odd thing is that His younger brother and His younger brother's wife and her family were invited over to celebrate Christmas with this family as well. His younger brother has no relation to that side of the family other than his older brother married the wife. There should have been no reason for them to celebrate if it was for her family only like i was told. So then FB this morning, there are pictures of them celebrating and lovely comments back and forth about how it was so amazing that they were able to spend time there and that her family had such a good time and other things. To be honest it infuriated me at first because it hurt to know that i have been in this family longer and they all claimed to have accepted me and loved me, but their actions are saying more and more that they dont. It's like Master has said that they have an elitist view that somehow they are better than anybody else in the family. It even makes one wonder about what they will think about O/our gifts. Due to O/our finances this year, W/we did a cute homemade ornament and scrabble letters for each family as O/our gift. It wasn't much but Master and i like gifts that are thoughtful, not ones where You spend a ton of money to use a few times and toss away (not that it is a bad thing if people want to buy that for U/us). W/we have realized the memories of making these gifts and how personalized they are is greater than a lot of things W/we could find in stores. Not only that as many family members as W/we have to buy for and the people mentioned above are given everything they want on a silver platter, that leaves little for U/us to find for gifts. Master and i are definitely the outcasts and they have no problem flaunting this on FB. As far as im concerned, i will not stoop to their level but im not going out of my way anymore for them. There will be no purchasing anything for them if they whine about not having things and needing them (there is more money there than Master and i have had even with me being former military). No helping moving or anything unless W/we get asked and that is only if W/we can fit it into O/our schedules not theirs.

The most important lesson i learned from the so-called "family" was that they are not "family" at all to me. There is no care and concern there for either Master, myself, or O/our child. There has been ample helpings of care and concern from O/our local munch family that W/we have been completely overwhelmed because of it (in a good way of course). When W/we brought up the topic of trying to find a job, there was no judgement whatsoever but instead messages of encouragement and advice on where to look for both Master and myself. The times W/we are able to go to munches, it is as if W/we had never missed one. It has been years since i have felt entirely comfortable around others and the local munch family makes me feel so comfortable. Granted W/we are still getting to know people, but they still treat U/us way better than O/our family has ever done! There is more love and laughter than W/we have ever been used to and i can only hope that O/our child learns more from their examples than from the people that claim they are "family" to U/us. Words can never be expressed just how thankful i am to have these people in O/our lives and to turn to in a time of need or even just for a word of advice or comfort. T/they are amazing people and i cant wait to get to know more and more about these people who i feel have become just like my aunts/uncles/cousins/sisters/brothers/whatever they wish to be known as. Their love is what i chose to surround myself and at some point in the future, i will chose to ignore the negative and embrace the positive things and love that surrounds U/us. My only hope is that T/they know just how much of an impact T/they have had on me in such a short amount of time and that i am truly thankful for each and every one of T/them. The future is looking bright for myself and Master and i cant wait to see what it holds with O/our new family. :D

update
These past few days have showed U/us even more of why W/we are thankful for what W/we have and that O/our "family" isnt really family at all. It was discovered after pictures were posted on FB that our child ranks significantly lower than the niece and nephew of the younger brother. There are three children for him and his new wife to buy for. Of course, one would expect to spend the same amount of money on each child. However, in this case it wasnt true. O/our child got a toy that costs $5 and a pair of pants and jacket. The oldest niece of the younger brother got a powerwheels four wheeler that costs about $175ish and a few other gifts as well. To me that seems very insensitive to pay a lot for one child and not really anything for the other. It made me feel hurt for my child because when they get older how am i going to explain why the cousin is getting more than them? Thats not a conversation a child should deal with? It just floors me how they can openly do this and be okay with it? No person who truly cares about family would do this, especially to a child. Needless to say W/we are grateful for what O/our child did get, but it would have been nice for them to spend the same amount on both children. They could have bought learning toys or something else to go with it (it didnt have to be a powerwheels car since the child is still too young for one). This was the last straw that broke the camel's back i guess Y/you could say.

The other part of the update is that apparently the older wife has gotten their Christmas presents from U/us and was none too happy about it. There was a facebook post that said "some people never seize to amaze me(written while she was mad and should have been cease)" Then that wife when asked who it was refused to name who it was on facebook. The part that told me it was U/us was when i sent a message asking if they had opened their gifts yet. Magically older wife went from being online to mobile and then completely offline (gotta love facebook and the new chat settings) but the ironic thing is that i know she saw the post because it said "seen at ...." which was about two minutes after i wrote it. Then when i sent a text message the next morning, she has yet to answer this text message (although she would probably claim that she never received it). It just makes me laugh if she is unhappy with O/our Christmas gifts because Master and i have learned that its not about the money or buying the newest and greatest gift, but right now W/we like the thought of doing homemade especially since it gets O/our child involved in the gift exchange. Memories and putting things together like that in a time where W/we dont have much money is worth more to U/us right now than a store bought gift. We'd be happy with pictures or things like that which are more momentos and either dont cost anything or are very inexpensive to make, but older wife and younger wife insist on buying gifts instead of making them. Either way W/we were very happy with O/our gifts and had a blast making them. Besides its the thought that counts right?

So needless to say they have moved even farther down the totem pole than they were before. Master and i are feeling more blessed than ever before for what W/we have and the people that are in O/our lives, especially those in O/our local munch family.