So tonight i find myself switching moods so suddenly. Earlier today i was so happy and giddy and just full of excitement and wonder. Im not quite sure why the sudden change in moods, but im sure that my Master would say it has to do with the many wonder of hormones running through my body and mother nature playing a hand in my emotions too. All of this doesnt really have a reason with my change in thoughts...to be honest i dont know why my thoughts change just as fast as they do.
Earier today, to explain my happy and excited thoughts, we were doing searches and handcuffing again. Dont get me wrong, playing with handcuffs and searching people isnt what excites me. What excited me was the thoughts of my Master i had when i was the one in handcuffs on the ground. That is one good thing about this training school is that when it comes to hands on you learn as well as get to play the dummy for the other person too. Anyways, back to the thought. I found myself lost in wonder and imagining being there for Him. I normally would have laughed when someone squeezed my rib area because that is where i bruised my ribs really badly(will have to tell about that a little later) and it is extremely sensitive now. I imagined that it was Him yielding the control and making sure that i was behaving and searching me. He really is awesome and my teammate was taking care not to be too rough with me and was gentle (as gentle as she could be considering).
So i was happy because i was lost in my thoughts of Him and just what care and expert attention He would give me if i were in His care right then and there. He is so sweet and passionate and tender, but at the same time just one touch from Him can send me into a fiery of passion and twisting and turning. He knows how to be kind, but cruel in a matter of seconds with a change of His touch. It's crazy and twisted and amaznig and sweet and just all around good. I wouldnt change it for all the money in the world.
After all of that, we ended the day on a good note. I couldnt believe that we got commented on by an instructor how we had improved. It was a good feeling to know that our instructors were proud of us and how we were coming together as a team. I know that we may have a long shot, but for now we just have to sit tight and grit our teeth until we get rid of the people here who are constantly bringing down this team. They are always bad and just seem to have a down attitude when it comes to things here. They dont care and just dont care what they do that affects the team.
The last part of today was an awfully good feeling. I have realized that i have grown so much. Looking back on my past, i see soooooooo many mistakes that i made that i am learning from. I dont necessarily view them as mistakes, but i think of them as lessons that i should have made a wiser choice on. At the same time i also look at my future and for the first time in a while i actually feel like i have the brightest future in a while. It is such a bright future ahead of me with Him by my side. He is an amazing Master and i truly consider myself lucky to have found Him. He is an caring and generous man who has taken the time to teach me and mold me into the person i should be. He doesnt turn me into someone im not, but encourages me to break out of my shell and become the person im supposed to be. He is just so amazing that i feel that im running out of words to describe Him because there is no way on earth to describe everything He does for me.
I dont know if He knows just how thankful i am for Him and how He has pushed me to constantly be better. By teaching me, He has also shown me that you must first show that you have learned from mistakes and lessons in the past. I read a blog today and it summed up everything that i feel about Him. I sit and look at the stars tonight and wonder if He is looking at the same ones and missing me too. I miss Him so much and it seems the ache grows every day for me to get back to Him, but i also grow stronger everyday. Everyday that i am away from Him, is another day that i grow stronger in my love for Him and how much i belong to Him. He is just so amazing and will be the ONLY Master to ever control me like He does and own me in the way that He does. He is the only one to have owned me body, mind, heart, and soul. He was my first and will continue to be my first in everything. I look forward to a future filled of firsts for us. :) One thing is having a little girl with Him (or more children in general), but i just know that having a little kid with Him will be another amazing gift for us. Anyways...future thoughts there.
:) So today passed by super quick. Only two more days and then it's the weekend!!!! Yay!!! I love my weekends because i get to sleep in and relax all weekend. This weekend will be a cook out and Friday night we will be having a movie night for $2 watching the newest Nightmare on Elm STreet. Im not sure which of these i'll be going to. But who knows....i wonder if there's any trouble to get into this weekend?
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Such a wonderful day of exploration
Today was such an amazing day partially because i learned a lot of new information. For the first time in a long time, i feel practically giddy with excitement. Well not just giddy, but playful too. I even told Master what i got to do today, without going into detail for Him. I couldnt believe how much fun it was :D
So the day started out on a good note with us getting in line for breakfast this morning. We were out right on time and our team was lined up at the doors. We found out that we didnt "have to" eat breakfast there because there was no accountability. All of us just had to be falled outside for formation at 0700 to leave at 0715. It was going to be a long day, but thankfully an early day. We all love when we have early days because then we can nap or whatever.
Anyways, me and my roomie came up with the plot to pretend like she left her card back in the dorm. We were "going back to get it" when we walked back to the dorm. They couldnt say anything because technically we did fall out and we were there for the time and waited to go in and get breakfast. So we did do as we were told and i honestly dont believe the crap people are talking about when they say "oh the first sergeant can pull the scans and look at them and see who ate and who didnt". To me that is a load of balogna and i will admit that to anyone. There is no way that they are going to sit there and go through the scan sheets of 1400 students to figure out which one of us didnt eat and which ones did for a certain meal. It's not that big of a deal anyways, it's not like we're getting the money from it for our food anyways.
So after heading back up to my room, i had a quick breakfast and then lay down and took a nice nap before class. It was so amazing laying there and just relaxing. But before too long i had to get up and head out to class. Today was going to be a good day, but i had no idea how it was going to go because i didnt know what we were doing.
We get to class and i learned that we were going to be doing handcuffing and searches. Man you can imagine my excitement because here was a job where i got to play with handcuffs and have someone handcuff me. I honestly was excited to find out what it was like to wear a pair of handcuffs, but the searching i wasnt too excited for because there was going to be someone else all up in my junk. There is only one person that is allowed to be all up in my junk and He is a thousand miles away from me.
We started the handcuffing procedures and we switched off and on as our instructor told us how to handcuff someone and then started showing us how to search them while they are handcuffed. Let's just say the first time i had the pair of handcuffs on, i tried figuring out how to get out of them and if i could. I couldnt get out of them, partially because she had made them tight. I loved the feeling they created though. I had them on and my thoughts were off in another world all my own. My thoughts were of Him and imaginging that He was the one in control of the handcuffs and could do anything He wanted with my body. It was weird having a chick do it, but i was honestly picturing Him the whole time.
The second part on the searches was the extremely personal part. The person searching you got all up into your junk. The reason for this is that sometimes people have hidden stuff in those areas. We were told of a story about two females who had 22's stuffed up in there. My first reaction to that is ouch and i cant believe that happened. I still cant believe someone would stick something like that up there. It was crazy....but back to today. This chick was getting all up in my junk and just getting all personal with it. We had to create a "saw" with our hand and use our thumb to go from the tailbone down to the front area where their junk was resting on our thumb. It was crazy having it done to me while i was helpless to stop it. It made me think of something He would be doing to me and just having fun.
Well, i have to say that i found something out that was shocking today. I never would have thought this, but i found that i kind of liked having another girl search me there. I couldnt believe it....i have never before in my life been attracted to another girl, but for some reason today i could find myself okay with another girl doing anything. Like before i swore that i was purely straight, but now i wonder. I wonder if it is just the environment i am in with all the hormones running wild and the fact that i havent had sex in almost 4 months now...Anyways, i feel that im not bisexual or gay in any way. I guess i feel that if my Master wishes for me to try that at some point, i would do it for Him. I have found that something i would have declared totally out of my norm, isnt so much out of the norm for me anymore. Like the picutre i put on my blog the other night when talking about the plans for Christmas, He asked me how it made me feel. I was ashamed to admit and havent thought of how to tell Him that i kind of felt turned on by it. It was a hot and sexy picture.
But that was my shocking thought for the day. It wasnt a normal thought for me and i realized that i am turning into His lil one more and more everyday. The longer i am away from Him, the more i find myself thinking about His desires and His wishes and they become my own. Yes, i still do have an opinion and voice, because im not mindless, but there are certain things that if He wishes me to do it, i will do it. An example of this was the other night when He asked me about piercings and if i would ever get something done or my belly button. I honestly think that i will get my belly button done again for Him and if He wishes me to get anything else pierced, i will do it for Him. I know it will hurt, but it is something that i can deal with. I wonder if He would like any other piercings on me????
The rest of the day passed in a craze. I couldnt wait to find myself talking with Him tonight. He is an amaznig guy and is always impressed with what goes on. Plus i couldnt wait to tell Him all about my fun with the handcuffing today. My one thing i learned was that if me and Him ever play with handcuffs, ill have to wear something around my wrists cause the handcuffs today left a mark and they werent even too tight.
So the day started out on a good note with us getting in line for breakfast this morning. We were out right on time and our team was lined up at the doors. We found out that we didnt "have to" eat breakfast there because there was no accountability. All of us just had to be falled outside for formation at 0700 to leave at 0715. It was going to be a long day, but thankfully an early day. We all love when we have early days because then we can nap or whatever.
Anyways, me and my roomie came up with the plot to pretend like she left her card back in the dorm. We were "going back to get it" when we walked back to the dorm. They couldnt say anything because technically we did fall out and we were there for the time and waited to go in and get breakfast. So we did do as we were told and i honestly dont believe the crap people are talking about when they say "oh the first sergeant can pull the scans and look at them and see who ate and who didnt". To me that is a load of balogna and i will admit that to anyone. There is no way that they are going to sit there and go through the scan sheets of 1400 students to figure out which one of us didnt eat and which ones did for a certain meal. It's not that big of a deal anyways, it's not like we're getting the money from it for our food anyways.
So after heading back up to my room, i had a quick breakfast and then lay down and took a nice nap before class. It was so amazing laying there and just relaxing. But before too long i had to get up and head out to class. Today was going to be a good day, but i had no idea how it was going to go because i didnt know what we were doing.
We get to class and i learned that we were going to be doing handcuffing and searches. Man you can imagine my excitement because here was a job where i got to play with handcuffs and have someone handcuff me. I honestly was excited to find out what it was like to wear a pair of handcuffs, but the searching i wasnt too excited for because there was going to be someone else all up in my junk. There is only one person that is allowed to be all up in my junk and He is a thousand miles away from me.
We started the handcuffing procedures and we switched off and on as our instructor told us how to handcuff someone and then started showing us how to search them while they are handcuffed. Let's just say the first time i had the pair of handcuffs on, i tried figuring out how to get out of them and if i could. I couldnt get out of them, partially because she had made them tight. I loved the feeling they created though. I had them on and my thoughts were off in another world all my own. My thoughts were of Him and imaginging that He was the one in control of the handcuffs and could do anything He wanted with my body. It was weird having a chick do it, but i was honestly picturing Him the whole time.
The second part on the searches was the extremely personal part. The person searching you got all up into your junk. The reason for this is that sometimes people have hidden stuff in those areas. We were told of a story about two females who had 22's stuffed up in there. My first reaction to that is ouch and i cant believe that happened. I still cant believe someone would stick something like that up there. It was crazy....but back to today. This chick was getting all up in my junk and just getting all personal with it. We had to create a "saw" with our hand and use our thumb to go from the tailbone down to the front area where their junk was resting on our thumb. It was crazy having it done to me while i was helpless to stop it. It made me think of something He would be doing to me and just having fun.
Well, i have to say that i found something out that was shocking today. I never would have thought this, but i found that i kind of liked having another girl search me there. I couldnt believe it....i have never before in my life been attracted to another girl, but for some reason today i could find myself okay with another girl doing anything. Like before i swore that i was purely straight, but now i wonder. I wonder if it is just the environment i am in with all the hormones running wild and the fact that i havent had sex in almost 4 months now...Anyways, i feel that im not bisexual or gay in any way. I guess i feel that if my Master wishes for me to try that at some point, i would do it for Him. I have found that something i would have declared totally out of my norm, isnt so much out of the norm for me anymore. Like the picutre i put on my blog the other night when talking about the plans for Christmas, He asked me how it made me feel. I was ashamed to admit and havent thought of how to tell Him that i kind of felt turned on by it. It was a hot and sexy picture.
But that was my shocking thought for the day. It wasnt a normal thought for me and i realized that i am turning into His lil one more and more everyday. The longer i am away from Him, the more i find myself thinking about His desires and His wishes and they become my own. Yes, i still do have an opinion and voice, because im not mindless, but there are certain things that if He wishes me to do it, i will do it. An example of this was the other night when He asked me about piercings and if i would ever get something done or my belly button. I honestly think that i will get my belly button done again for Him and if He wishes me to get anything else pierced, i will do it for Him. I know it will hurt, but it is something that i can deal with. I wonder if He would like any other piercings on me????
The rest of the day passed in a craze. I couldnt wait to find myself talking with Him tonight. He is an amaznig guy and is always impressed with what goes on. Plus i couldnt wait to tell Him all about my fun with the handcuffing today. My one thing i learned was that if me and Him ever play with handcuffs, ill have to wear something around my wrists cause the handcuffs today left a mark and they werent even too tight.
Monday, October 11, 2010
A Curious Day....and building frustrations
So today was my first day during the week off and having a 3 day weekend here felt amazingly spectacular....just saying. Anyways, last night was an interesting night. Here lately i have been feeling for the longest time that i am the only that is really strongly missing someone (out of female submissives and their masters), but this just wasnt the case. I found out it's not just me and it's not even just us in this situation. There are other couples working on relationships in the lifestyle like we are. It was crazy because i felt for the longest time that i was crazy for missing Him as much as i do. It turns out He misses me just as much as i miss Him. It makes me feel so special and amazing.
I find myself truly falling in love more and more each day that i am away from Him. Towards the end of this month, it will have been 4 months exactly since i have left Him to be here. I admit i was lucky and i got to see Him for a couple days when He came down for my graduation but it just wasnt the same. The rules we had to follow because i was deathly afraid of a TI (they still scare the crap out of me) finding out about anything we did wrong in public, like a kiss or a hug or heaven forbid holding His hand. It killed me that i couldnt give Him a kiss or even acknowledge Him in a way that i had grown accustomed to. We had to sneak around in the hotel and sneak kisses in the backseat of the car while my mom wasnt looking or on the way back up from the pool. I do remember i earned a couple good smacks while He was here too, but those werent what i felt that probably would have been if there werent those rules there(not that He would spank me in front of my own mother either).
So anyways, there is a good thing about being here because i am able to go out and look for things for Christmas for Him. Yesterday was an unplanned outing for me, but i knew that i needed to get off base and not just hide myself away for the three day weekend we were having. I went with a couple of my friends down to the mall and went exploring. Of course, i found an amazing store there that i never knew catered slightly to people in the lifestyle---Spencer's. I have never really explored in Spencer's because in the past my mother thought it a horrible place and refused to let me shop in there. Well needless to say, it was fun exploring the back corner of this shop. I also felt less embarrassed here as i would have been extremely embarrassed looking at what i was yesterday. I found things like tingle flavored gel for your clit and nipples or lockable wrist cuffs for the shower or even whips and body whipped cream. I have quite a few ideas and am wondering if i should have a budge instead of a limit of 3 lifestyle gifts because there are so many choices. I have so many ideas..... I almost got myself into trouble for what i was thinking for Him, but i will know for sure what im getting by the time it comes to getting them before i leave.
I cant wait for Christmas for one amazing reason. I got to see it today and saw it when He ordered it---my collar. I will officially be collared and will be His completely(not that i wasnt already). I'm so excited because in the beginning of looking into the lifestyle, i wasnt too sure about the idea of a collar. I didnt really like how it was so enclosed and just something kind of threw me off. Well after thinking about it, and i looked at a few, i realized that i did like it. At first, He was hesitant and then He started liking them too. I am so excited because I cant wait to see what it looks like on me. He sent me a picture of it and i cant wait to finally wear it. It will to me be the final step into us being official. It's so exciting to have one made specifically for me and to know that i will be His for the rest of my life.
I can say that i am His already and have been since the day we met. To me, it was like i had known Him my entire life after the first few seconds of talking with Him. He didnt have to lure me in or anything. He was just himself and i was myself for Him. He sees this lil one as a girl who is sexy and just amazing to Him even when i dont feel that way. I always feel sexy when i am with Him because He could care less about the other girls around that are hotter because i am the one coming home with Him. I am the one that He gets to take home at the end of the night and love and be His lil one. I hope He knows that ill always love Him unconditionally no matter what factors pop up in my life. He has been there and i still love His control of my life, even if it is from a distance for right now. He controls me in every essence, because even if He may not be able to see what is going on, He knows what goes on in my life. He can tell when im lying and when im not.
I wonder what tomorrow holds and what troubles i may get into. Who knows... :D it seems im always getting into some kind of trouble.. :D
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Contemplative lil one and a morning freak out
So this morning started out kind of early for me and Master. I had to call Him this morning because i woke up to a major nose bleed. He claims it wasnt a massive one, but for someone that has never had a nose bleed to see that much blood on a pillow scared the crap out of me and i thought it was one. I didnt know what to think. Blood was running out of my nose in what was like a river. It had already run all over my pillow and down the back of my shirt and was all over my face by the time i woke up and realized what was going on. So as you can imagine, a very freaked out and scared lil one called her Master. He woke up to my ringtone playing on His phone, but realized it was too early for the alarm to be going off. He answered after like the 5th time i tried Him(hey i did say that i was a freaked out lil one...) and calmed me down. He in all honesty is the only person able to calm me down no matter what the situation is. I love it and am so glad that i am with Him as my Master.
Today was an amazing good day. I showered and got up and went to hang out with friends. We went down to the mall and just shopped around and looked at various things. I went into Spencers and boy was i aware of just how many things there are for the lifestyle in there. So many choices from things to help you have sex in the shower to play handcuffs and whips and paddles. I have so many ideas now and cant wait to get Him His christmas gifts because i know He's going to love them. I am looking forward to trying them with Him and whatever i get being used on me or worn by me....cant give too much away because i really do want it to be a surprise.
So i found out today that one of our good friends thats a submissive like me knows me and Him are getting married. As of last night i was told that we are for sure getting married, it's just a matter of when we do it and He still wants to propose to me. I want Him to propose to me too because i still like the element of being surprised and Him asking me to marry Him. Even though we know we are getting married, there will still be that element of surprise :). Anyways...i'm so glad she knows because it is amazing having someone in the lifestyle that knows the both of us. I know for sure she will be at the wedding, i just hope the two of us can stay out of trouble because the two of us are so much alike. The two of us scheme together whenever we talk about various things to do, so i am most certainly sure i will be in trouble when we do finally get together.
Today was an amazing day and i wouldnt change it for all the money in the world. The only sad thing was that i only got to text Him, but that was because He was at work. At least i was lucky enough to be able to talk to Him throughout the day instead of having to wait. He is my rock and shelter when things get tough and always keeps me going when i feel so worn down. I dont think He knows it but today i felt a little worn out and run down. I was missing my family and friends and of course Him. I am having a hard time dealing with not having any kind of family here. I have things happen to me that i need Him to just feel His touch and His warmth. There's just a calming feeling like no other when im with Him and i miss it. I crave feeling His hands controlling me and moving my body in certain ways or withholding from me certain privilages. I crave that power that He held and the way He would at random moments grip my throat and just look at me and kiss me so deep. I miss Him so much and find that the thing i miss most being here is my submissive side and my submissive duty. I hate being away because i cant take care of Him right now like im supposed to, but soon i will be able to. I will get His dinner for Him, clean the house, do the laundry, and other little things. I just really crave the contact from Him though and just Him letting me know i was a good girl or had done wrong.
Anyways, thats about it for today....i wonder what adventures ill be getting into tomorrow. Guess i'll have to let you know. Hopefully i can stay out of trouble :D
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Nothing like pure love to make you blissfully happy
The reason for things :D
So today has been a wonderfully amazing day!!! I thought of Master and got to talk to Him after waking up in full privacy. My three day weekend has started off fantastic. Anytime that i get to talk to Him is always amazing because in all honesty, He knows just how to calm me down and what to say. Any day is amazing when i get to talk to Him.
I talked with Him as i got ready for the day and checked my email. In my email was a message from a dealer where i had emailed them about a Saturn Vue. It is a really good looking car and has a low amount of miles on it. I love it and cant wait for it to be mine(fingers crossed cause ill find out Monday) because i can see it as our vehicle and a mommy vehicle. :) i love the idea of having a mommy vehicle lol because i know one day me and Master will have kids.
Anyways back to the day. I called them and they were open so i talked with my friend that was going to cosign with me. He was able to go and then things went down and he wasnt able to go after that. The good news is that i was still able to get things to be able to have him cosign so that part worked out. I am so excited and cant for the guy to come back and work with me on payments and all. It will be so great :D
After i finished the trip to the car dealer, i headed back to base and went grocery shopping. I have to be honest and admit that i love grocery shopping. I could spend hours in the store if i had to and i pictured myself buying groceries for the two of us and cant wait for that day to happen. It will be an amazing day being able to be His submissive wife and shop for the two of us, or even be His submissive girlfriend and shop for the two of us. I love shopping and being able to do it for both of us would make me an extremely happy camper.
Shopping was over and i came back. I had to figure out what to eat for dinner because i hadnt eaten all day. I just wasnt hungry, but knew i needed to eat for sure when i got back. When i got up this morning it was too late for breakfast and lunch i just wasnt hungry. I made sure to drink water though so i was good on that end. Anyways....i got back and had bought bread and pb and jelly. I made myself a pb & j for dinner with 2 graham crackers. It was so yummy and omg.. i couldnt believe how good it was. I wish MAster was here so i could fix one. I made Him laugh though because i told Him once i have kids i will definitely be the choosy mom and choose JIF peanut butter. It's just sooooooo good and sooooooo creamy and delicious. I could eat like that entire jar if i didnt have a little bit of self control. THat sandwich was amazing and i ate it so fast.
So today my MAster has been so amazing and supportive. This link below is my favorite saying and all for it. Everytime i talk with Him today He makes me fall in love with Him all over again. It's the little things He does whether He knows it or not. Just knowing He's there anytime of the day is a wonderful feeling. He has treated me like such a princess that i truly feel spoiled. I must admit that tonight i was told i was treading on thin ice as it sounded like i had an attitude. I think maybe lately i might be feeling too spoiled or i just am getting too comfortable with Him being a phone call away instead of being able to handle things right now. I do know though that no matter what He can always make the punishment worse or withhold some of my privilages here like facebook (yes i am addicted to facebook and have lost that privilage numerous times in the past for my smart mouth) or add on to my spanking tally. I know He is my Master, but i hate that i feel like im getting too complacent here. I know though that He is in control no matter what and His say is the final say no matter what.
Our kind of love is amazing...
Which that reminds me....on another topic...i have found a friend here that knows how i am personally and understand the type of lifestyle that i choose to live. SHe knows that im not one to wear chains or anything like that, but live a normal existance with a few extras added into it. She is the one person i truly feel close to here that i feel i can somewhat trust. She's also the only person that hasnt turned around and stabbed me in theback like majority of the females on my team did. After that whole fiasco there are maybe 3-4 females that i still talk to. The others i just give the cold shoulder and bite my tongue because i know Master wants me to be good. I just feel glad that there is one person here where i dont have to hide myself or who i am and can be myself around her. It gets tiring here hiding myself and having to change my answers to His questions based on who is in the room. I'm just ready to be back to being us because then it's not complicated at all, but very simple. I just have to stick it out til then....
I love You so much Master and hope You know that if i seem mad or upset or just not myself it's the things here affecting me worse then i should let it. When i get that way is when i crave for you to let me know that You are still there and still here for me. I also need to know that You are still the Master(not that i dont know but i guess its to reaffirm it) because life gets so crazy here and its always changing and things are dangled over my head. Knowing i have a steady place to stand with You keeps me from feeling like i'll tumble off the edge of the cliff at any minute. So please i ask for just a little bit of patience and if i start stepping out of bounds or on toes to let me know so i can correct it. I try my hardest but being here sometimes my mind is stuck here and cant get back to being on You and where i sit with You. I love You so much.
So today has been a wonderfully amazing day!!! I thought of Master and got to talk to Him after waking up in full privacy. My three day weekend has started off fantastic. Anytime that i get to talk to Him is always amazing because in all honesty, He knows just how to calm me down and what to say. Any day is amazing when i get to talk to Him.
I talked with Him as i got ready for the day and checked my email. In my email was a message from a dealer where i had emailed them about a Saturn Vue. It is a really good looking car and has a low amount of miles on it. I love it and cant wait for it to be mine(fingers crossed cause ill find out Monday) because i can see it as our vehicle and a mommy vehicle. :) i love the idea of having a mommy vehicle lol because i know one day me and Master will have kids.
Anyways back to the day. I called them and they were open so i talked with my friend that was going to cosign with me. He was able to go and then things went down and he wasnt able to go after that. The good news is that i was still able to get things to be able to have him cosign so that part worked out. I am so excited and cant for the guy to come back and work with me on payments and all. It will be so great :D
After i finished the trip to the car dealer, i headed back to base and went grocery shopping. I have to be honest and admit that i love grocery shopping. I could spend hours in the store if i had to and i pictured myself buying groceries for the two of us and cant wait for that day to happen. It will be an amazing day being able to be His submissive wife and shop for the two of us, or even be His submissive girlfriend and shop for the two of us. I love shopping and being able to do it for both of us would make me an extremely happy camper.
Shopping was over and i came back. I had to figure out what to eat for dinner because i hadnt eaten all day. I just wasnt hungry, but knew i needed to eat for sure when i got back. When i got up this morning it was too late for breakfast and lunch i just wasnt hungry. I made sure to drink water though so i was good on that end. Anyways....i got back and had bought bread and pb and jelly. I made myself a pb & j for dinner with 2 graham crackers. It was so yummy and omg.. i couldnt believe how good it was. I wish MAster was here so i could fix one. I made Him laugh though because i told Him once i have kids i will definitely be the choosy mom and choose JIF peanut butter. It's just sooooooo good and sooooooo creamy and delicious. I could eat like that entire jar if i didnt have a little bit of self control. THat sandwich was amazing and i ate it so fast.
So today my MAster has been so amazing and supportive. This link below is my favorite saying and all for it. Everytime i talk with Him today He makes me fall in love with Him all over again. It's the little things He does whether He knows it or not. Just knowing He's there anytime of the day is a wonderful feeling. He has treated me like such a princess that i truly feel spoiled. I must admit that tonight i was told i was treading on thin ice as it sounded like i had an attitude. I think maybe lately i might be feeling too spoiled or i just am getting too comfortable with Him being a phone call away instead of being able to handle things right now. I do know though that no matter what He can always make the punishment worse or withhold some of my privilages here like facebook (yes i am addicted to facebook and have lost that privilage numerous times in the past for my smart mouth) or add on to my spanking tally. I know He is my Master, but i hate that i feel like im getting too complacent here. I know though that He is in control no matter what and His say is the final say no matter what.
Our kind of love is amazing...
Which that reminds me....on another topic...i have found a friend here that knows how i am personally and understand the type of lifestyle that i choose to live. SHe knows that im not one to wear chains or anything like that, but live a normal existance with a few extras added into it. She is the one person i truly feel close to here that i feel i can somewhat trust. She's also the only person that hasnt turned around and stabbed me in theback like majority of the females on my team did. After that whole fiasco there are maybe 3-4 females that i still talk to. The others i just give the cold shoulder and bite my tongue because i know Master wants me to be good. I just feel glad that there is one person here where i dont have to hide myself or who i am and can be myself around her. It gets tiring here hiding myself and having to change my answers to His questions based on who is in the room. I'm just ready to be back to being us because then it's not complicated at all, but very simple. I just have to stick it out til then....
I love You so much Master and hope You know that if i seem mad or upset or just not myself it's the things here affecting me worse then i should let it. When i get that way is when i crave for you to let me know that You are still there and still here for me. I also need to know that You are still the Master(not that i dont know but i guess its to reaffirm it) because life gets so crazy here and its always changing and things are dangled over my head. Knowing i have a steady place to stand with You keeps me from feeling like i'll tumble off the edge of the cliff at any minute. So please i ask for just a little bit of patience and if i start stepping out of bounds or on toes to let me know so i can correct it. I try my hardest but being here sometimes my mind is stuck here and cant get back to being on You and where i sit with You. I love You so much.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Sometimes life can be a pain, sort of like today
So before i even get into the details of why i'm really writing this blog...i have to mention about today. It was so much fun, but i never realized that i picked the career field that was full of kink. For those that love getting their hair pulled, today was one of your days. I had my hair pulled by another female showing my partner how to really grab hair and shake someone around. Made me wonder if she was domme or not by the way she grabbed my hair. I understand that she had to demonstrate for my partner, but even then it wasnt necessary to grab and hold it for as long as she did...lol. I cant admit that i didnt mind although i do know that she almost brought me to my knees with how hard she had it gripped.
Anyways....we got to practice take down holds and stuff today and it was pretty fun. Wrestling around with other females and throwing each other on the ground. It was hilarious because some of us were cracking the instructors up with how we were doing things and just how things were going. He couldnt stop laughing after hearing one of my friends laugh because when she laughs...she no lie sounds like a dolphin. It's funny and every instructor that has heard it cant keep a straight face. They dont even think its her real laugh, but it honestly is. I'm just glad that they havent heard my baby seal yet. It's hilarious and keeps people cracking up...although i hate it personally.
So today was a fun day despite people telling our ropes to "f you" and other things. I wouldnt change it for all the money in the world other then one part...a class that we had at the end of today that left me a little worn and needing to work out some things. I never knew that it would be so difficult dealing with some of the images and videos that we saw today. Hearing other people talk about it triggered memories and emotions that i thought i had left behind in the past. Anyways....Master knows about all of it now and i feel bad about not being able to tell Him part of it sooner, but for some reason i just couldnt tell anyone...I was embarrassed and just scared and shocked and just i didnt know what to do. So here goes...from this point on..venture at your own risk. Some details may be graphic---i just dont know. From here on out will be venting and telling my story....
So the best place to start is with the type of class we had today. Today was our briefing about Sexual Assault Prevention Organization or SAPO as it is called. I dreaded that today because i knew i would have some sort of reaction to it. It is the first time that i have really dealt with in class my personal experience. The videos today were on acquaintance rape and my assault was such a case. The similarities in the stories the girls told in the first part about being in college and someone they trusted attacked them in their own room and in their own bed. Hearing this and seeing them talk about it and realized i wasnt the only one with thhat experience brought back flashbacks.
This part wasnt so bad because in all honesty, i had dealt with this assault before. I knew the reactions and i havent told anyone other then Master that i went to see a counselor for a few sessions and was diagnosed with PTSD. Although the counselor more put it on i had it because i was putting the issue with my assault with the changes my dad was making.
Okay to touch on that issue real fast. My whole family situation is a little weird and i guess is part of the reason why i have such issues still with my assault. As the counselor put it, i was equating my assault to someone i know changing to someone i didnt even know anymore. My father is no longer my father. He is in the process of changing into a woman because he believes himself to be a woman and is just trapped in a man's body. He is not transgender or any of those type terms. He is still considered to be my father because before the change he has always been the man in my life. But the one thing i dont know how to deal with is how do i handle talking to people about him not that it matters. But my important events like my wedding, who do i have walk me down the aisle? When i get married like if its the official one(because i wonder if we might just do a civil ceremony first then save for a nice wedding) what will people say when they watch a female walk me down the aisle and i say its my father?? It would make no sense...i just feel lost with that because ive lost the man i knew as my father. He may have changed his gender and be the same person but hes not my father.
Anyways, thats the background on my father. But the counselor i saw thought that me losing my father correlated with the guy who assaulted me being someone i knew and then suddenly became someone i didnt know at all anymore. I mean how could he do it?? I was in my own bed and in my own room in college. I had just sprained my knee (another reason why im careful with my knee and refuse to let others see me weak with it) and was taking some pain medication and had a brace on. My medication made me sleepy and he was on the strong leg side. I was being nice and had offered him a place to sleep and it bit me in the butt...before i knew it, his hands were reaching and grabbing where they shouldnt have been. I was one of the type of victims that just freezes. I couldnt say anything and didnt say anything. My mind was still groggy because i was half asleep at the time and i had taken my medication probably half an hour before then. He was on my strong side...I felt trapped because my only way off the bed was off the side where my bad knee was or climb off and i couldnt even get up to climb down. All i could do was lay there and take it and try to push him off. After a couple seconds, i was finally able to push his hand away, but that didnt stop him. It took the guy about four to five more times to push him away and then he just got up and walked away.
This left me confused and i didnt say anything to anyone because i was afraid of what they would think of me. How could i put myself in this type of situation? There was no way i could have trusted him to offer him a place to take a nap or just to be nice. I didnt think anything of it because we had hung out numerous occasions before with nothing bad happening. I couldnt believe that it had happened. When i finally reported it, i was made out to be the bad person and it was he said against she said. The big thing that happened during the stuff was that they made it out to be that i was the bad person because i took medication and didnt tell him. I didnt tell him or let him see me take the medication. This just made me really hesitant and question why i even reported it because i was made to be the one to blame even though they said nobody was to blame in that case.
Well the other thing was i left that alone and continued on with my life. Hoping that things would just go away...but it didnt. I had another incident almost similar to the one above. I couldnt believe i had put myself into that situation again and the only thing that saved me out of this one was that i had to fake call a friend to pretend that my roomie was locked out of the apartment and my key was the only one there. I couldnt believe it was happening again. I made sure to take all the safety precautions, meeting in public, lots of people around and everything. I just was shocked.....i couldnt believe this would happen again. I put myself into such a bad situation. I vowed that no matter what, i wouldnt put myself in that situation. I never told anyone about this second assault because i was afraid nobody would believe me. Oh it happened to her once before and she just made it up and didnt tell him she was on medication. No, i didnt want to have to deal with again so i just pushed it down inside. This was kind of a bad choice on my part---okay not kinda but definitely was a bad choice on my part.
Anyways, today those memories from both came flooding back and haunting me. Not knowing what to do or how to even begin to start healing from the memories that had flooded back today. I felt horrible but knew He could calm me down from the emotions from the first one, but He didnt even know about the second. I felt horrible that i hadnt been able to tell Him until now. I know that He is always supportive of me and will always not blame me for the assault and all. He had already told me that when i told Him about the first assault. I just was shocked and ashamed and just couldnt believe i had put myself into that situation. I didnt want my MAster to think of me as someone who didnt think of her surroundings before she went into things, because with my second one i truly did think it out. I guess something happened that changed the factors just a little bit. I love Him with all my heart and am so disappointed in myself that i couldnt bring myself to tell Him about the second assault. He is my Master and supports me no matter what. I should have been able to realize then and there(and i did know i just cant explain why i didnt tell Him) that i can tell Him anything and He doesnt judge me.
I'm sorry Master for those things in my past that may come up and haunt me from time to time. I know that You are always there for me to calm me down. You quiet my fears and are my protector at night. Just like that one morning that i fought you in my sleep and all it took was to pull me close to Your chest and i quit fighting. For some reason the hardest part of being hear and having to deal with the assault is not being able to have You here to hug me and hold me close and dry my tears. I miss You holding me and just telling me that everything will be alright. I know from a distance that You are doing the best You can. The two of us entered into this life together, or more relationship, knowing that i was going to be military. You have fully supported it and i am so glad You do. You are the only man and Master that has ever made me truly happy. I love you wiht all my heart and soul and i cant wait to make our house into our home. I know i will have my battles with emotions with these two traumas, but knowing You are there makes it that much easier to deal with. Thank you Sir for not judging me on what happened in my past but loving me for who i am now.
Anyways....we got to practice take down holds and stuff today and it was pretty fun. Wrestling around with other females and throwing each other on the ground. It was hilarious because some of us were cracking the instructors up with how we were doing things and just how things were going. He couldnt stop laughing after hearing one of my friends laugh because when she laughs...she no lie sounds like a dolphin. It's funny and every instructor that has heard it cant keep a straight face. They dont even think its her real laugh, but it honestly is. I'm just glad that they havent heard my baby seal yet. It's hilarious and keeps people cracking up...although i hate it personally.
So today was a fun day despite people telling our ropes to "f you" and other things. I wouldnt change it for all the money in the world other then one part...a class that we had at the end of today that left me a little worn and needing to work out some things. I never knew that it would be so difficult dealing with some of the images and videos that we saw today. Hearing other people talk about it triggered memories and emotions that i thought i had left behind in the past. Anyways....Master knows about all of it now and i feel bad about not being able to tell Him part of it sooner, but for some reason i just couldnt tell anyone...I was embarrassed and just scared and shocked and just i didnt know what to do. So here goes...from this point on..venture at your own risk. Some details may be graphic---i just dont know. From here on out will be venting and telling my story....
So the best place to start is with the type of class we had today. Today was our briefing about Sexual Assault Prevention Organization or SAPO as it is called. I dreaded that today because i knew i would have some sort of reaction to it. It is the first time that i have really dealt with in class my personal experience. The videos today were on acquaintance rape and my assault was such a case. The similarities in the stories the girls told in the first part about being in college and someone they trusted attacked them in their own room and in their own bed. Hearing this and seeing them talk about it and realized i wasnt the only one with thhat experience brought back flashbacks.
This part wasnt so bad because in all honesty, i had dealt with this assault before. I knew the reactions and i havent told anyone other then Master that i went to see a counselor for a few sessions and was diagnosed with PTSD. Although the counselor more put it on i had it because i was putting the issue with my assault with the changes my dad was making.
Okay to touch on that issue real fast. My whole family situation is a little weird and i guess is part of the reason why i have such issues still with my assault. As the counselor put it, i was equating my assault to someone i know changing to someone i didnt even know anymore. My father is no longer my father. He is in the process of changing into a woman because he believes himself to be a woman and is just trapped in a man's body. He is not transgender or any of those type terms. He is still considered to be my father because before the change he has always been the man in my life. But the one thing i dont know how to deal with is how do i handle talking to people about him not that it matters. But my important events like my wedding, who do i have walk me down the aisle? When i get married like if its the official one(because i wonder if we might just do a civil ceremony first then save for a nice wedding) what will people say when they watch a female walk me down the aisle and i say its my father?? It would make no sense...i just feel lost with that because ive lost the man i knew as my father. He may have changed his gender and be the same person but hes not my father.
Anyways, thats the background on my father. But the counselor i saw thought that me losing my father correlated with the guy who assaulted me being someone i knew and then suddenly became someone i didnt know at all anymore. I mean how could he do it?? I was in my own bed and in my own room in college. I had just sprained my knee (another reason why im careful with my knee and refuse to let others see me weak with it) and was taking some pain medication and had a brace on. My medication made me sleepy and he was on the strong leg side. I was being nice and had offered him a place to sleep and it bit me in the butt...before i knew it, his hands were reaching and grabbing where they shouldnt have been. I was one of the type of victims that just freezes. I couldnt say anything and didnt say anything. My mind was still groggy because i was half asleep at the time and i had taken my medication probably half an hour before then. He was on my strong side...I felt trapped because my only way off the bed was off the side where my bad knee was or climb off and i couldnt even get up to climb down. All i could do was lay there and take it and try to push him off. After a couple seconds, i was finally able to push his hand away, but that didnt stop him. It took the guy about four to five more times to push him away and then he just got up and walked away.
This left me confused and i didnt say anything to anyone because i was afraid of what they would think of me. How could i put myself in this type of situation? There was no way i could have trusted him to offer him a place to take a nap or just to be nice. I didnt think anything of it because we had hung out numerous occasions before with nothing bad happening. I couldnt believe that it had happened. When i finally reported it, i was made out to be the bad person and it was he said against she said. The big thing that happened during the stuff was that they made it out to be that i was the bad person because i took medication and didnt tell him. I didnt tell him or let him see me take the medication. This just made me really hesitant and question why i even reported it because i was made to be the one to blame even though they said nobody was to blame in that case.
Well the other thing was i left that alone and continued on with my life. Hoping that things would just go away...but it didnt. I had another incident almost similar to the one above. I couldnt believe i had put myself into that situation again and the only thing that saved me out of this one was that i had to fake call a friend to pretend that my roomie was locked out of the apartment and my key was the only one there. I couldnt believe it was happening again. I made sure to take all the safety precautions, meeting in public, lots of people around and everything. I just was shocked.....i couldnt believe this would happen again. I put myself into such a bad situation. I vowed that no matter what, i wouldnt put myself in that situation. I never told anyone about this second assault because i was afraid nobody would believe me. Oh it happened to her once before and she just made it up and didnt tell him she was on medication. No, i didnt want to have to deal with again so i just pushed it down inside. This was kind of a bad choice on my part---okay not kinda but definitely was a bad choice on my part.
Anyways, today those memories from both came flooding back and haunting me. Not knowing what to do or how to even begin to start healing from the memories that had flooded back today. I felt horrible but knew He could calm me down from the emotions from the first one, but He didnt even know about the second. I felt horrible that i hadnt been able to tell Him until now. I know that He is always supportive of me and will always not blame me for the assault and all. He had already told me that when i told Him about the first assault. I just was shocked and ashamed and just couldnt believe i had put myself into that situation. I didnt want my MAster to think of me as someone who didnt think of her surroundings before she went into things, because with my second one i truly did think it out. I guess something happened that changed the factors just a little bit. I love Him with all my heart and am so disappointed in myself that i couldnt bring myself to tell Him about the second assault. He is my Master and supports me no matter what. I should have been able to realize then and there(and i did know i just cant explain why i didnt tell Him) that i can tell Him anything and He doesnt judge me.
I'm sorry Master for those things in my past that may come up and haunt me from time to time. I know that You are always there for me to calm me down. You quiet my fears and are my protector at night. Just like that one morning that i fought you in my sleep and all it took was to pull me close to Your chest and i quit fighting. For some reason the hardest part of being hear and having to deal with the assault is not being able to have You here to hug me and hold me close and dry my tears. I miss You holding me and just telling me that everything will be alright. I know from a distance that You are doing the best You can. The two of us entered into this life together, or more relationship, knowing that i was going to be military. You have fully supported it and i am so glad You do. You are the only man and Master that has ever made me truly happy. I love you wiht all my heart and soul and i cant wait to make our house into our home. I know i will have my battles with emotions with these two traumas, but knowing You are there makes it that much easier to deal with. Thank you Sir for not judging me on what happened in my past but loving me for who i am now.
Rascal Flatts - Why Wait (Studio)
Today has been a pretty laid back day. I woke up this morning with a killer headache and My throat was sore but thank goodness for the juice I bought yesterday. I couldn't hardly go to sleep last night for some reason. I know that you wake up early and are busy but it sucks not being able to talk to you on the phone longer. I just love hearing your voice and knowing that you are safe. Went over to see the baby and they were talking about what they are going to be for Halloween and it made Me miss you even more. I know if you were here that is what we would be doing but its okay cause I know that we will have tons of Halloweens together. I am so ready to do all the little things that make a house a home but also know that it will come with time. I was so close to telling My sister in law that I was going to move down there but I didn't so I figured it would be a surprise for everyone even though I think they already know. Also I learned something that really pisses Me off. I learned that your favorite person in the whole world (Jennifer) is staying with the person I hate most in the world. That just makes Me so mad that she would do that and then say that she misses My dad so much. Well enough about stupid people pissing Me off. My grandparents were over there with the baby and they said that they missed you and wished that you would send them a letter or give them a call when you get a chance. I just thought of a great thought. An exciting thing is going out and getting our first Christmas tree together and celebrating around it. I also printed off the cabin papers and will fill them out. It is so exciting to know that we will be in a cabin together enjoying each others company. I have the three lifestyle gifts in mind already :)! I am so happy to have the love of My life with Me during the holiday season. With Thanksgiving coming up I have so much to be thankful for this year. The man above has graced Me with the most beautiful and wonderful submissive in the world. Not to mention the best girlfriend/soon to be wife in the world. I can never tell you how much I love you! I am so proud of you passing the tests and be the good girl that I know that you are. I love you lil one!
Just a few words from Master R
Today has been a pretty laid back day. I woke up this morning with a killer headache and My throat was sore but thank goodness for the juice I bought yesterday. I couldn't hardly go to sleep last night for some reason. I know that you wake up early and are busy but it sucks not being able to talk to you on the phone longer. I just love hearing your voice and knowing that you are safe. Went over to see the baby and they were talking about what they are going to be for Halloween and it made Me miss you even more. I know if you were here that is what we would be doing but its okay cause I know that we will have tons of Halloweens together. I am so ready to do all the little things that make a house a home but also know that it will come with time. I was so close to telling My sister in law that I was going to move down there but I didn't so I figured it would be a surprise for everyone even though I think they already know. Also I learned something that really pisses Me off. I learned that your favorite person in the whole world (Jennifer) is staying with the person I hate most in the world. That just makes Me so mad that she would do that and then say that she misses My dad so much. Well enough about stupid people pissing Me off. My grandparents were over there with the baby and they said that they missed you and wished that you would send them a letter or give them a call when you get a chance. I just thought of a great thought. An exciting thing is going out and getting our first Christmas tree together and celebrating around it. I also printed off the cabin papers and will fill them out. It is so exciting to know that we will be in a cabin together enjoying each others company. I have the three lifestyle gifts in mind already :)! I am so happy to have the love of My life with Me during the holiday season. With Thanksgiving coming up I have so much to be thankful for this year. The man above has graced Me with the most beautiful and wonderful submissive in the world. Not to mention the best girlfriend/soon to be wife in the world. I can never tell you how much I love you! I am so proud of you passing the tests and be the good girl that I know that you are. I love you lil one!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
A Surprise for my Loving Master
Sitting in class she simply thinks of Him and smiles. He is the man her heart and soul and mind belong to. She finds herself thinking naughty thoughts and wonders what He would think of the wandering thoughts in her head. Would He laugh and call her a naughty lil one or simply be shocked at how weird they seem? She didnt know and didnt care because all she knew was He was in them.
Thinking back to the first day they started talking, she wonders how lucky she was to find Him. At first she was shy and extremely reserved. In this kind of life, being reserved when you first start talking to someone is not a good thing because you have to put yourself out on a limb. She had done exactly that. Talking with Him, she felt an odd sense of security. She knew there was something different about Him, but couldnt quite place it. The two of them talked about what they liked and didnt like. They said goodbye, but she felt a strong pull to Him. Tossing and turning, she couldnt get Him out of her head. Somehow she knew before long she would gladly surrender it all to Him. He was the first to truly pay attention to the real her and not use the power behind the position He had with her. He got to know the real her instead of making her into someone she wasnt.
Innocently day dreaming of Him in class and all the things He would do to her causes an instant reaction. She crossers her legs or fidgets to hide the wet area that continues to grow in her pants. She tries to be a good girl and ignore those nasty thoughts in her head, but living in a man's world that is just too hard to do. Try as she may, she just couldnt keep her good girl thoughts. The more she thinks of Him and what He has done and could do to her, the more that spot grows. She hears comments like "I have duct tape and i'm not afraid to use it" or here they teach you about how to handcuff someone. All of those things send her mind off on a little day dream trip about Him.
In class she finds herself one of the few disciplined enough to listen to the ropes that are in charge. SEcretly she knows it's beacause it's not them she is really listening to but Him. He is the one she sees when they talk about discipline and how we should have it. Not moving when at attention is her biggest challenge here. She finds it hard sitting still for a long period of time due to her restlessness nature. Fighting that urge, she imagines attention as one of His positions for when she is in trouble. Can she not move for the set time or does she move and receive punishment? That is the ultimate decision for her. It takes all her strength to fight her nature in order to please Him.
Herbody isnt hers anymore as it now belongs to Him. He is the one who controls it all: heart, mind, and soul. He can tease, tempt, and torture to His hearts content because in the end knowing she pleased Him is the greatest reward. Hearing His sighs or those lovely commands from His mouth make her tingle all overi n ways that she couldnt even begin to describe. The tingles she felt can only be described as a head to toe funny feeling.
Thinking all of this, she realizes she knows exactly what He would think about the naughty thoughts---He would most definitely call her a naughty lil one and laugh. He might even take a few ideas from her naughty thoughts. Finding herself thinking of Him and the paint stirrer and the belt, she squirms. Remembering her first couple of spankings, she squirms even more. A part of her hates the spankings, but a part of her likes them too. She knows when He gives her one, it is for a good reason and to help correct her. He usually givers her one when she has stepped out of line or is just having a stubborn moment. Thinking on spankings makes her crave one so desperately. Being away from Him, she hasnt had any kind of contact like that. She needs the correction, she needs to know that He is in control even though she already knows He is. It's the craving or desire for that touch or that reinforcement just to remind her who has the upper hand.
Master, I wrote this in class today for You. My mind cant stop replaying getting home to You everyday and being able to walk through that door after work. I hate coming back to an empty dorm because it just doesnt feel as homey as a house for the two of us would. I cant wait to get back to You and spend time together. I know that no matter where life takes us, that we will make it. If the two of us made it together after this training then we can make it through anything. I love you with all my heart and soul and cant wait to really see what new lessons you teach me. I am ready to learn more from you and crave those new lessons. It is going to be so amazing finally being together.
Thinking back to the first day they started talking, she wonders how lucky she was to find Him. At first she was shy and extremely reserved. In this kind of life, being reserved when you first start talking to someone is not a good thing because you have to put yourself out on a limb. She had done exactly that. Talking with Him, she felt an odd sense of security. She knew there was something different about Him, but couldnt quite place it. The two of them talked about what they liked and didnt like. They said goodbye, but she felt a strong pull to Him. Tossing and turning, she couldnt get Him out of her head. Somehow she knew before long she would gladly surrender it all to Him. He was the first to truly pay attention to the real her and not use the power behind the position He had with her. He got to know the real her instead of making her into someone she wasnt.
Innocently day dreaming of Him in class and all the things He would do to her causes an instant reaction. She crossers her legs or fidgets to hide the wet area that continues to grow in her pants. She tries to be a good girl and ignore those nasty thoughts in her head, but living in a man's world that is just too hard to do. Try as she may, she just couldnt keep her good girl thoughts. The more she thinks of Him and what He has done and could do to her, the more that spot grows. She hears comments like "I have duct tape and i'm not afraid to use it" or here they teach you about how to handcuff someone. All of those things send her mind off on a little day dream trip about Him.
In class she finds herself one of the few disciplined enough to listen to the ropes that are in charge. SEcretly she knows it's beacause it's not them she is really listening to but Him. He is the one she sees when they talk about discipline and how we should have it. Not moving when at attention is her biggest challenge here. She finds it hard sitting still for a long period of time due to her restlessness nature. Fighting that urge, she imagines attention as one of His positions for when she is in trouble. Can she not move for the set time or does she move and receive punishment? That is the ultimate decision for her. It takes all her strength to fight her nature in order to please Him.
Herbody isnt hers anymore as it now belongs to Him. He is the one who controls it all: heart, mind, and soul. He can tease, tempt, and torture to His hearts content because in the end knowing she pleased Him is the greatest reward. Hearing His sighs or those lovely commands from His mouth make her tingle all overi n ways that she couldnt even begin to describe. The tingles she felt can only be described as a head to toe funny feeling.
Thinking all of this, she realizes she knows exactly what He would think about the naughty thoughts---He would most definitely call her a naughty lil one and laugh. He might even take a few ideas from her naughty thoughts. Finding herself thinking of Him and the paint stirrer and the belt, she squirms. Remembering her first couple of spankings, she squirms even more. A part of her hates the spankings, but a part of her likes them too. She knows when He gives her one, it is for a good reason and to help correct her. He usually givers her one when she has stepped out of line or is just having a stubborn moment. Thinking on spankings makes her crave one so desperately. Being away from Him, she hasnt had any kind of contact like that. She needs the correction, she needs to know that He is in control even though she already knows He is. It's the craving or desire for that touch or that reinforcement just to remind her who has the upper hand.
Master, I wrote this in class today for You. My mind cant stop replaying getting home to You everyday and being able to walk through that door after work. I hate coming back to an empty dorm because it just doesnt feel as homey as a house for the two of us would. I cant wait to get back to You and spend time together. I know that no matter where life takes us, that we will make it. If the two of us made it together after this training then we can make it through anything. I love you with all my heart and soul and cant wait to really see what new lessons you teach me. I am ready to learn more from you and crave those new lessons. It is going to be so amazing finally being together.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Wandering thoughts in a day full of boring blahness
Today was so hard, but yet its almost gone. The thought of You crosses my mind so much that i'm surprised i can concentrate. You are the one thing i miss moer than anything in the world. My dreams at night are kept peaceful with the images of You all in them.
I long for those sweet caresses and gentle kisses that i remember so well. Images of every intimate moment replays through my head. Everytime, all i see is the love and passion between the two of us. Our love issnt just a physical connection between two people that have such a powerful love. I know the love between us will never die because our relationship can handle the stormy weather.
Right now there are what feels like millions of miles separating us. You always have yielded the control even from afar. That is why it was so easy to fall in love with You because You had that control, but didnt abuse a single ounce of it that i gave to You. To You i bared not just my whole self,, but my whole soul too. You know all my secrets and even know the darkest ones that i havent told anyone. The safety and secruity i have with You is seen by everyone in how we interact with each other. The love is clearly noticeable between the two of us with how we hold hands in public or the smile that is always on my face when im with You.
My world has constantly changed since before i can even remember. My household has steadily changed from losing so many people in my high school at such a young age to car accidents to my parents moving out of my childhood home. I thought i was going to go nuts with how much i had experienced in such a short time. You made me realize it all wasnt as bad as i had made it out to be. You, Sir, made me realize there were better things in store for me.
When we first started talking, i felt so unsure because i had never felt this way about anyone before. You knew how my personality was and never once took advantage of me. Being passive in nature has gotten me stepped all over in the past. But with You, things are different. I never once have had to worry about being hurt by You. My comfort level was very high with You from the start because You had no fake appearance, being completely open and honest.
Life rolls on and being here has made me cherish You all the more. I miss the little things You used to do like waking me up by tickling me or wiping away my tears when my parents made me cry. You have always been there for me from the beginning and i know You will always be there for me in the future too. Our future seems brighter with plans for a collar and a ring. Both will make me such a happy lil one.
Even though we only had about two months together before i left, it felt like forever. Being with You was the happiest time in my life. I struggled some with my new knowledge and to remember the rules we had set. It was hard because you were teh first person that had this kind of control over me. You know my emotions, actions, and how i respond to certain things. The way You know me just by that is so amazing. My body is Yours to do with as You wish although i cant guarantee that there wont be any kind of mini rebellion from me. I have my wild streaks every once and a while, but for the most part i am a good lil one for You.
I only hope that i can make You proud as we go into the future. My happiness is Your happiness and Your happiness is my happiness. Being Your wife and submissive will be an amazing thing. You are an amazing Master and i love You. You were my first Master and will be my only Master. Thank You for everything You have taught me so far. Every day i notice a new part about myself slowly emerging from the shell that i was in. I hope You see the butterfly You created because it has only just taken flight. I know there is much to learn from You, but for now i love just where i am.
I miss you so much and cant wait to see You again. You are my happy thought everyday. Making it through the day just to talk to You makes everything bearable. Knowing You are simply a phone call away makes it easier for me tomake it through the long days and being away from You for so long. This military life is new and i know it will be hard at times. I only hope You will understand if i forget some of my training from You because of my military training. It's not You because a lot of my military training will contradict Your training. That is mainly here because once we move in together and are married, there will be no worry about that happening. I will be able to walk through that front door and no longer be Airman blah blah but simply lil one or whatever else You want to call me.
The future shines brighter to me each and every day i'm away from You. I hope You know i will always love You and will always be Your lil one. Besides nopbody would give me those silly tingles like You do when telling me to do something with "that" voice. I look forard to learning more ways You make me tingle other then just commands.
I long for those sweet caresses and gentle kisses that i remember so well. Images of every intimate moment replays through my head. Everytime, all i see is the love and passion between the two of us. Our love issnt just a physical connection between two people that have such a powerful love. I know the love between us will never die because our relationship can handle the stormy weather.
Right now there are what feels like millions of miles separating us. You always have yielded the control even from afar. That is why it was so easy to fall in love with You because You had that control, but didnt abuse a single ounce of it that i gave to You. To You i bared not just my whole self,, but my whole soul too. You know all my secrets and even know the darkest ones that i havent told anyone. The safety and secruity i have with You is seen by everyone in how we interact with each other. The love is clearly noticeable between the two of us with how we hold hands in public or the smile that is always on my face when im with You.
My world has constantly changed since before i can even remember. My household has steadily changed from losing so many people in my high school at such a young age to car accidents to my parents moving out of my childhood home. I thought i was going to go nuts with how much i had experienced in such a short time. You made me realize it all wasnt as bad as i had made it out to be. You, Sir, made me realize there were better things in store for me.
When we first started talking, i felt so unsure because i had never felt this way about anyone before. You knew how my personality was and never once took advantage of me. Being passive in nature has gotten me stepped all over in the past. But with You, things are different. I never once have had to worry about being hurt by You. My comfort level was very high with You from the start because You had no fake appearance, being completely open and honest.
Life rolls on and being here has made me cherish You all the more. I miss the little things You used to do like waking me up by tickling me or wiping away my tears when my parents made me cry. You have always been there for me from the beginning and i know You will always be there for me in the future too. Our future seems brighter with plans for a collar and a ring. Both will make me such a happy lil one.
Even though we only had about two months together before i left, it felt like forever. Being with You was the happiest time in my life. I struggled some with my new knowledge and to remember the rules we had set. It was hard because you were teh first person that had this kind of control over me. You know my emotions, actions, and how i respond to certain things. The way You know me just by that is so amazing. My body is Yours to do with as You wish although i cant guarantee that there wont be any kind of mini rebellion from me. I have my wild streaks every once and a while, but for the most part i am a good lil one for You.
I only hope that i can make You proud as we go into the future. My happiness is Your happiness and Your happiness is my happiness. Being Your wife and submissive will be an amazing thing. You are an amazing Master and i love You. You were my first Master and will be my only Master. Thank You for everything You have taught me so far. Every day i notice a new part about myself slowly emerging from the shell that i was in. I hope You see the butterfly You created because it has only just taken flight. I know there is much to learn from You, but for now i love just where i am.
I miss you so much and cant wait to see You again. You are my happy thought everyday. Making it through the day just to talk to You makes everything bearable. Knowing You are simply a phone call away makes it easier for me tomake it through the long days and being away from You for so long. This military life is new and i know it will be hard at times. I only hope You will understand if i forget some of my training from You because of my military training. It's not You because a lot of my military training will contradict Your training. That is mainly here because once we move in together and are married, there will be no worry about that happening. I will be able to walk through that front door and no longer be Airman blah blah but simply lil one or whatever else You want to call me.
The future shines brighter to me each and every day i'm away from You. I hope You know i will always love You and will always be Your lil one. Besides nopbody would give me those silly tingles like You do when telling me to do something with "that" voice. I look forard to learning more ways You make me tingle other then just commands.
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