Feelings....

   Today has been a long day and this next week is going to be even longer. The frustrations are mounting because nothing has been found about what is going on with me health wise. There have been results telling me my liver enzymes are high, now they're normal and then i have a uti and suddenly i dont and finally my pancreatic enzymes are high and my kidney is a little swollen but i guarantee it wont be like that when i go back to the doctor. Master isnt getting frustrated, or at least doesnt appear so, but i am getting extremely frustrated and a little worried. Honestly, im worried that all this is going to turn out to be something more serious. My health has always been good until now. These past three months i havent really worked but about 9-10 day total and ive been in the emergency room at least 13 times. This just isnt normal for anyone.....Oh well, i guess it's like Master says. You have to keep going through the list checking things off before you can find out what is wrong.
   My sides and stomach are hurting and i feel like i am making the wrong decisions. Master may think otherwise, because He has left the decision up to me but i wonder if i made the right decision. Like this weekend i was given the choice as to whether or not i wanted to be hospitalized or if i wanted to go home. Being afraid of the hospital, i DID NOT want to stay over night. For some reason they terrify me. There is something about all this going on that im afraid if im in here overnight and Master has to go home to take care of our puppy that something will happen and He wont be there. Now i know this would never happen because He usually stays with me as long as He can, but at the same time it worries me. Being left alone is something that i absolutely hate and add a hospital into that and im just not comfortable at all. Either way though Master would never leave me alone. Anyways, i chose to go home and when we went to follow up with my doctor on Friday it wasnt even my own doctor. Lovely medical system wont let me see my own doctor, they keep sending me to a new one even though this doctor has been seeing me since all my medical problems started. Ugh yet another frustration to add to everything else.
   So to date, ive had to deal with changing doctors and headaches changing to lightheadedness and dizzyness to side pain to side and back pain and now it seems my chest is adding to it. There is a spot on my rib cage on my right side that is super sensitive to barely touch it and i cant do anything about it. There's so much that keeps going on that i feel like i am honestly going numb to the feelings. Getting stuck so many times makes everything feel not so bad anymore. When you have a nurse who doesnt know how to start an iv digging around in the top of your hand, you learn real fast that the other pain you are experiencing isnt too bad compared to someone rooting around with a needle.
   The other thing that has been caught on my mind all of a sudden is my grandma. All i can say is for some reason i find myself thinking about her and wanting to listen to the newest song by Justin Moore called "If Heaven Wasnt So Far Away". It is crazy how much love she put into my life and i cant believe that she is gone. We're having our wedding ceremony in a few weeks and i cant believe that she wont be there. It never occurred to me when we started planning it that she wouldnt be here. She has been gone for about three months now, but it still feels like yesterday to me. My feelings are mixed and some days im fine and other days i hear a song and it just hits me as to what is going on. She meant the world to me and now at one of the most important events in my life she wont be there. :( It makes me sad, but i know that she will be watching me from heaven that day. (Makes me think of another song...... Holes in the Floor of Heaven) His dad and my grandma will both be rejoicing that day!! Both of us know this and we will make sure to include them in memory for sure when we light our unity candles.

I love you Grandma. RIP and i hope to see you one day in heaven where i can be with you and grandpa.

Massive blowup is looming over me....

    So my blowup on a certain parent is nearing more and more. Lately Master and i have been planning our wedding, which is in the near future. Part of this was setting up all the details for our wedding on a website that i found to put all the details out there so everyone can have it as well as a paper invitation. Anyways, after reading the material that was posted on this website, i received a very nasty(to me) email from my mother. It just reminds me of the lovely cycle that seems to go around with her.
    Before i go off ranting and raving on this, i have to put a disclaimer out there. If you dont want to hear the rantings and ravings about my mother and how she is dysfunctional then i highly suggest that you move on from this blog. That being sad, back to the topic at hand. She sent me a message over facebook(hmm odd that she couldnt call me about it at least) griping about how i said "i call GA my home even though it isnt where i grew up because it is where my heart is and where a majority of my family is---" She took this directly from the site and i received a lovely reply message from her quoting this and also saying "did i miss something or did we all move to GA" and "i copied this from your wedding blog---thought most of your family was in TN".
    This just unnerves me and aggravates me. She has constantly been bipolar with me. It is as if she is constantly evaluating everything im doing. When there is something that she doesnt like i hear about it. Im 21 years old and am still getting treated like im a child by her. She is biploar and nobody has seen this except for Master and myself.. My mother has everyone else believing that she is this perfect person and has no flaws, but this is wrong. She leads two completely different lifestyles for everyone. On one hand, she acts like life is perfect and that im the perfect child who can do no wrong, but when it's just the two of us she bites my head off and acts like an evil conniving witch. This is really starting to get to me and i know that it is really starting to get to Master. He sees everything she is doing as the same that another person in His life did to Him.
    Honestly, i would admit that if it wasnt for the fact that i had a wedding coming up soon, she would have been told off a long time ago. She constantly demeans me and makes comments on how i cant afford things or i cant do this because she doesnt think i can. Master doesnt work right now, although His family thinks He does and we arent going to tell them otherwise. He doesnt have to work because we are completely fine with just my income alone. If we needed the money He could easily get a job, but for now we both love Him staying at home. Either way though, she doesnt need to be commenting on what i can or cant do. She should be happy at how i am doing and say otherwise like any other normal parent would do. The two of us just bought our first major purchase---a big screen tv. Yes we didnt have to, but we wanted to and had saved up for it. It wasnt like a super splurge and we wouldnt have any money after we spent it. No, we still had a lot of excess money to pay bills after that. His family when we told them about the tv said good job about getting it, but my family doesnt know. If they were to know id get asked how i could afford that.
    She is my mother and i honestly lover, but my fuse is getting to the point where i dont want to have anything to do with her. If it wasnt for the fact that im getting married in two months, i would have said see you later a long time ago. Her and my father have mentioned reservations on whether or not they will be coming to the wedding and have also admitted that they dont want to talk to my grandfather about my father's changes because they feel the day wont be about them. When i told my parents to talk to my grandfather, i got told that they would refuse to do it because either way the day wasnt going to be about him, it would still be about me. However, i know my grandfather better then that although i am hoping He would make a scene just between my parents and away from everyone else. My mother even told me that she wasnt sure he was coming, but i know how much he loves me and how important this day is to me. I highly doubt that he is going to miss that day.
    The comment on facebook isnt the only thing that my mother has done. Things have long since been building since i left for college. Master and i have talked and we both believe that it is my mother trying to hold onto some sort of control because she is not used to the idea of me growing up. My thoughts are so confused surrounding this because i feel that even if she wants control, she should have realized by now that she doesnt have the control anymore---Master does. Either way it doesnt matter if she tries to gain any control, Master will ALWAYS have the control over me. Not only that, this is the control that I gave Him. It wasnt taken from me, but fairly given.
   So my heart is torn as to what to do. Master urges me to go ahead and tell her what i think and that i shouldnt really hold back. He has been down this road before and knows how ugly it gets. The other thing is that my mother purchased a lot of the supplies for the wedding. My feeling is i dont want to tell her off, but it is like things keep escalating with her. She keeps putting things into other people's mouths about the wedding, is refusing to talk to my grandfather about my dad's sex change operation and lifestyle, and just is unhappy that i feel like my home is here in GA instead of TN with them. My thoughts are that it doesnt matter if they live there or not. My home to me is where my heart is. My heart is no where in TN because i dont feel like i can live there anymore. There are so many rules and curfews and it's more like im a guest in my own home then where i can live. When im down here with Master, whether with His family or alone in our house i feel way more at home then anything. Master's family always makes sure that i am taken care of and has been more then willing to help provide us anything we need to help start our new home.
   So as you can see, my heart is torn. It's more then likely if i tell my mother off now she wont be at the wedding. It will most definitely hurt her when i go off on her, although it will be more then likely in writing format because our talks on the phone just turn into arguments. My heart hurts because i have to make this choice, but at the same time i feel that i will be okay because of it. Master has always been there for me from the beginning and i know He will continue to do so. He is my number one supporter and i have found through all these fights with my mother and father(who still isnt speaking to me because of a fight) that He loves me and swears everytime He will be there. My parents need to  learn that they dont control me anymore and im very afraid that i will have to make the choice to let them know that they will have to change or i wont be in their lives anymore. Yes it may alienate me from them, but i know the rest of my family will understand and if they dont talk to me, i always have a family down here to take care of me that i know will love me and Master no matter what. Now what to say to my mother in a reply to her facebook message to me........

An Eventful Day....Really :)

    So today has been a long day but a pretty uneventful one at that. After last night, i have realized that sometimes miscommunications come out leaving you better on the other side. After writing a blog yesterday, there was a bit of a misunderstanding as to how i wrote it. I made it seem as if Master wasnt doing anything around the house and that just wasnt the case. He does a lot more then i realize and has had to deal with a lot of His fair share of everything with my many ER visits recently.
     This brought on a huge punishment, more because i was sobbing becasue i felt that i had screwed everything up. Master kept reassuring me that i had done nothing wrong, but i felt that i did. It wasnt long before i saw the words telling me to get His belt and stand leaning on the bed with my pants down and wait til He came in sometime in the future. Just as i was finishing and had been laying on the bed not even a minute, i heard Him enter. There were still tears falling and i felt that i had screwed up so horribly. Master grabbed His belt and i felt Him judge my skin as He rubbed His hand over my backside before delivering the first blow. To me it was a shockwave and i screamed into the blanket that i had grabbed up under me. As the session continued and the blows kept coming, i found myself struggling to maintain my bearing. It wasnt too long before Master had to hold my hands behind my back. Honestly i fight the feelings everytime to hold them, but there's that one hit that makes me have to send them back to cover my rear end for some reason. It's like it's in our DNA to do this. We try as hard as we can to keep them from flying back, but they just fly back as always.
    Anyways, needless to say my brain lost count after about the fourth or fifth hit from Master's belt. It has been a good while since i have felt the lick of it's blows and even after there was still a reminder in the few small welts that i had from it. After being spanked til i couldnt stand anymore and then played with and used by Master until He came all over me, i was placed in the corner. All i could do was silently cry. He had truly given me a reason to cry because i was crying for no reason before, i was no longer crying for nothing now. Crying, i realized that i had put myself in this predicament and all i could think of was how could i put myself in this situation? It left me feeling humiliated and just i felt horrible that i had made Master punish me. It was something i hadnt had to have in a good while. After a few minutes,or what felt like an eternity to me, Master came back in and put warm clothes on me and guided me to sit with Him on the couch and watch tv. My brain was still foggy with everything because i honestly was half way to subspace by the end of the spanking. When He put my clothes on all i could think of was it was cold and trying to voice anything to Him was going to take a little bit.
    After sitting with Master on the couch and thinking back to what just happened, i realized it was something that needed to happen in my opinion. Honestly i think i had been careless in thinking just how much Master does around here. He has done so much for me and i questioned on some things that i thought He should help me on. It was wrong of me and i paid the price. Also it was needed for me to realize that things were okay with how they were going. Master and i havent participated actively in the lifestyle recently because of my health concerns. He has been more medical minded then Master minded because that is how He is trained to be. My brain didnt realize this before, but after talking with Master today i have realized the gap in the lifestyle are because He was more concerned about my health concerns. Needless to say the spanking from last night just made me feel like i was back to myself.
    So as i talked with Master today, we realized that lately i have felt bummed because i feel that my being sick has defined a good bit of who i am. All the doctor's visits and not being able to work or perform like im supposed to makes me feel like im weak and just not able to be who i am. Last night was a well overdue reminded that even though i may be sick, it does not define who i am. I am still Master's submissive. I am still lil one. My place is still understood and i am not to step out of that place. All i can say in word's to describe it is that i feel the trouble i got into last night was somehow needed because today i find myself a little bit more at piece with things, although that doesnt mean im necessarily pain free.
    Tonight i find myself in pain in my back, my knee has begun to flare up again and my right side is still hurting. It seems to vary with what i eat, but most of the time it's a dull pain. On top of that my head is starting to flare up really bad. Bad enough that i'm going to have to take one of my other pain killers to try and keep it subsided enough that i dont end up back in the emergency room. Those visits have taken enough blood out of me to save at least 6-7 people and the nurses have made me afraid to have an iv put in my arm now. The two that didnt know what they were doing have scared me for life, although out of it all we have two hilarious recordings on our phones of me with Demerol in my system. All i know is that is some good medication, but i dont ever remember what i say or do while im on it and im glad that Master is right there beside me once they give it to me. He keeps me from getting up and doing silly things, but yet still has fun in my drug induced comments. Hopefully there's no more  in my future because i really dont want to go there anymore.

Mind over Submission or Submission over Mind?

   So today i have noticed that lately my mind has been battling my submissive side a lot lately. Well maybe its not my mind, but so much how i was raised and the thoughts that were constantly told weren't right in my head. I guess the best place for me to start is to explain everything.
   Growing up, i knew that i was different. There was just something about the relationships that i had and the way the guys treated me. The guys were always nice and just a complete gentleman but i knew there was more that i wanted then just that. As i got into my teens, i began looking into chat rooms to talk to other people just to kill time. I was always by myself and never really had anyone to play games with me because i was the youngest and between me and the next oldest was nine years. Needless to say, two full time job parents and an in school teen left a lot of time to kill in between the time i got home and when my parents would come home. I chatted with a lot of people and let's just say i talked with a bunch of guys older then me, much more then i should have and at the time i didnt know it was so wrong. I was surfing for chat rooms one day and came across a website talking about the lifestyle.
    The lifestyle has always been something that interested me. To me it was my escape for everything. It is the personality that i have although it seems some of my more stubborn sides seem to come out at times, but that's more family genes then anything. But as i researched it more and more i found that i had what was called a submissive personality. Being in a normal vanilla relationship just wasnt going to cut it for me. There was more that i needed. I needed for the man to have control and to guide me and also correct me when i did wrong. Little did i know then but i would get what i wanted.
    Growing up, i have always had to fight to get everything i had. My parents forced me to grow up fast and learn how to make dinner and pretty much take care of myself. My homework was done when i got home and i was left to do whatever to kill time until my parents got home to eat dinner and then watch tv before it was off to bed for me. We never really interacted together so it left lots of time for me. Add into that a personal computer in a teenager's room and you have a combination for what i developed.
    Guessing that the reason that i want someone to be in control is that my life has never been under control for me. It has always had it's mess of ups and downs and i was always in fear that my parent's arguing would result in them divorcing or something else happening. There was very little that was for sure for me because things were always never good enough with them too. I guess deep down i wanted someone who was going to tell me that what i did was okay and that it was okay not to be perfect. Growing up i had always been told that it wasnt perfect and i could do better even when i was so close to perfect. Meeting Master changed all this.
   Master is my whole world and i love it. He is the solid piece of ground and i know that no matter what life hands us, i will be stable and have a place to fall. We may not have everything figured out, and that's normal, but He makes me realize that things dont always have to be perfect. But the one thing that i struggle on when it comes to our relationship is when it comes to me doing a lot of the things around the house. Growing up, i was taught that the man had to help the woman in a lot of things, but it seems the lifestyle contradicts this thought a lot. There are times i just want to come out and ask Him why He isnt helping, but i have worked very hard at keeping my comments in check. It is easier to talk to Him about these things, but what usually ends up happening is i think about it later and realize that i was just having a stubborn moment and going back to how i was raised. Now this isnt anything against how i was raised because despite not believing that the man shouldnt do anything in the relationship, i dont believe that. It is the submissive's place to take care of her Master and His house and if that means im getting the dog food or im doing extra loads of laundry then so be it. There are times that my mind is going to want to gripe and complain, but i have learned to keep these in check.
    My concern is that sometimes these moments may over power me, but i dont want that to happen. I wonder if other people have these moments where thoughts of rebellion and just popping off with "why cant you do that?" or "why cant you use that again?", but we dont. I feel that maybe it is just how i was raised coming up inside me every now and then and making me think that this is wrong and He should be helping too, but my submissive side keeps it in check and reminds that it is my place to take care of these things. Yes, He should help but He doesnt have to if He wants to. He is the man of the house and in charge of everything around here. What He says goes and that's it. No ifs, ands, or buts about it when it comes to my concern. Now saying that, i am not just a doormat in any decision making process...He takes into account what i think of things or how i feel about certain issues before making judgements because yes He is a caring Master. Either way i have found a struggle going on recently with the two halves of my brain struggling to realize that the lifestyle is more important in my life and that when i was raised and taught it was bad, it really wasnt. It's actually good because this lifestyle has completely turned me around from who i used to be to who i am now. Who knows where i will be in the future, but i know it will be a much happier place with Master by my side and the lifestyle fully in our lives.
    Sorry for the rambling on and on but this is a thought that just occured to me. My mind constantly goes back and forth and maybe one day i will be able to say which side won the argument. For now i know that my submissive side is keeping myself fully in check and i hope it stays that way.

****for those reading this, this is in no way saying that my Master doesnt help out around the house. He helps out more then His fair share. The thoughts above are at times when i just get frustrated because there is so much to do, and i forget to realize all the work that He is doing too. My mind comes up with these thoughts that He is able to do this, but why am i doing it. These thoughts are wrong because for every one thing that im doing, He is doing like three. He brought this to my attention that it came off this way and i just want to put this out there that He definitely is not just sitting idly by as i clean the house or take care of the dog. He helps me and is often doing more then His fair share, especially since i have been sick. I honestly hope He realizes just how thankful i am for the times that He does help me out becasue without Him i wouldnt have made it this far or dealt with all the sickness and hospital visits i had if it werent for Him being cheerful and happy and reminding me of the little things in life.****

Beginning of my new beginning lol

   I said before in a previous post that i was going to reexamine my likes and dislikes in the lifestyle and wow i can just say that a lot of it has changed from what i used to know. There are things that before Master i would just completely break down and say there was no way in hell that it would happen, but now im begging for it. He is the man of my dreams and is the only person that i would trust to do half the things that are listed. There are so many things that you could try doing that we havent even done. I guess the best place to start is dividing them up by category and seeing where i go from there. These are just ideas and will more then likely be discussed with Master, but for now i feel that i need to get out into the open what id like to try and what ive done with both intermixed...Hope the talk goes well with Master once He reads these or there is a comment on here. Let's get started on the list...it may not be all inclusive either as im still finding out what i like and dont like.
-----list below is what i've tried or would like to try in the future with Master

Just to Experience It
watching a porn movie/show with Master
     i havent seen one before and id like to watch one with Master and maybe try to act something out that He'd like to see
1950s household
     our household already is a good bit like this :) i love it and i love when Master just enjoys being at home with me here
Victorian household
     this has similarities to the 1950s household style where the man is in charge but there are other things used such as corner time and other things...with the way i can sometimes come off as extremely bratty i like this idea of this kind of household very much or combining the two together...either way i like the ideas used by this lifestyle

Role Playing
fantasy rape
     only with Master and everything would have to be laid out because of my fears and past
interrogations
     idk what exactly this would involve but seems interesting
kidnappings
     same rules with fantasy rape apply here too
prison scenes
doctor/patient
     i love the idea of Master playing doctor or even medic on me and try to treat whatevers wrong with me

Sexual Play
anal play/anal sex
anal plugs/beads
anal plugs/beads outdoors
     under clothes and stays private
fisting(vaginal)
     seems hardcore but if He wanted to try it id go for it)
forced homosexuality(being used by friends)
     if He wanted me to do something with 2 certain people i would but they are the only ones)
genital sex(ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!!!)
anal sex
     love this despite the pain its like a good painful sensation lol
hand jobs (giving & receiving)
     i like both because either way there is possibly a reward of some kind whether its His pleasure, mine, or
 both of us getting pleasure i dont care)
head(giving & receiving)
    same as above i love the way it feels when Master goes down on me...for the longest time i have wanted to squirt for Him but have yet to do so :( but its an awesome feeling making Him feel good and when He does it to me especially when they're both together)
sex(heterosexual)
    same as genital and anal sex!! i absolutely LOVE IT and love when Master just goes to town on me and messes with my head by pounding the hardest He can into my wet pussy oh man does it feel so good when He does that or with my legs over my head....mmmm getting ahead of myself lol)
swallowing(cum)
     lol love it especially when its Master's because i know then that i have done a good job and He is completely satisfied)
talking dirty(talker/talkee)
     not sure about doing the talking because im not very good at dirty talk but i always love hearing how im such a naughty slut in my ear from Him
tickling
     i dont mind being tickled at all and He knows it...it is definitely something i love
vibrators
     i think these would be the death of me if they were used but right now we dont own one...who knows our toy cabinet may expand in the future
wrestling
     this is a good part of the play aspect for me...its why i love playing hide and seek or chase with it...its the thrill and the fun for me trying to at least hold my own even if it is for a little bit

Exhibitionism
collars(in public)
     this is something i wouldnt do unless it was a casual piece of jewelry meant to act as a collar...the necklace i wear now with the two rings joined together to me symbolizes my collar and has not been removed unless it was for medical reasons
forced masturbation
     i couldnt necessarily do this at first, but i think now that at some point in the future if Master wanted me to do it for Him i would be able to do it although this wasnt the case when we first got together because i was so shy and would have been so nervous trying to do it
forced nudity(private)
     if it was just Master and myself or a couple of our friends i would be okay with it because they would be in the lifestyle, but im not one to be showing around other people and i dont think Master is either but i could be wrong
humiliation, verbal(public)
     this is a big turn on for me...it is crazy how i can just get one look and be reprimanded so quick while others are around that they have no clue what's going on...im not completely into being out and in the public's face but it turns me on to get in trouble and threatened with being spanked right then and there or get the "wait til we get home" look
modeling(for erotic photos)
     this case is one that in the past i would have been completely against it but in all honest i would have said no......now i think it is kind of cool and would love trying it at some point....there is something thrilling about taking pictures just Master and i knowing that we would be the only ones to see it
outdoor scenes/sex
     as long as it was kept private this would be amazing....i would love to go camping with Master and just experience a punishment out in the wild where you can do whatever you want and nobody is going to be able to do a thing about it or you can have sex and be as loud as you want with nature to cover the sounds up lol

Discipline/Submission
24/7 total power exchange
    now i love this and wish it was an everyday thing in our life...to  me 24/7 means that we live it not just in the bedroom but in everyday....it doesnt matter what we're doing i am always going to be His submissive and He my Master
begging/pleading
     i used to think that it was above me to have to beg or plead someone for something but in all honesty i kind of like the idea of begging to be allowed to cum or having to beg for something from Master it really turns me on
chores(domestic service/housework)
     now that we live in our own house it is even easier for this to become an option in our lives...i kind of would like this to happen to where i have set things to do around my schedule and if they arent done or something forgotten there is a punishment for it....kind of like making sure the clothes are put in the dryer and folded and if not for every item i get five hits or something along those lines...im sure Master could come up with something creative
exercise(forced/required)
     with my shape not being the best right now, i hope that Master will implement at least a walk or something every night to keep up my current physical condition because it is my stress reliever and He has seen how stressed out i can get....this also keeps me from getting too unhealthy and out of shape
following orders
     i guess this goes without saying...whatever He says goes and i need to learn that...sometimes my stubborness gets ahead of me and i tend to argue, so i guess i need to learn more about patience on some things and realize when i need to fight my battles and when i need to leave them alone
hair shaving(body/genitalia)
     this has been a rule for the two of us since the beginning, but i have found that i have been sliding on it since i came out of my training for the military...crazy enough but i think that i need to get back to doing this especially with Master being able to use me and play with me a lot more in our own house
humiliation, verbal(private)
     enough said before when it came to the thought of humiliation verbal in public....i love the idea of it
kneeling
     granted i may not be able to do it for long periods of time, but there are modified versions of it...either way i love when the moments happen because it makes me realize just where my place is and it just puts me in that right frame of mind....takes me back to lessons i learned from a story i read
lectures(for misbehavior)
     when you combine this with a spanking and put in the corner, oh is it a bad night for me....i hate being lectured especially when i have done wrong because it reminds me even more of just how much i have disappointed Master...it makes me feel even lower and i beg to take whatever punishment He would give me to escape the shame and low feelings my misbehavior has caused
massage(giving)
     love giving them to Master because they make Him so relaxed and it feels sooooo good for Him
orgasm control
     enough said on this one....love it when i can feel it coming and Master keeps holding me off until i dont think i can hold it anymore
punishment
     i love getting the punishments i deserve and sometimes love getting the reminders ones because it reminds just where i stand and that yes i may get bratty sometimes but i am not the one in control of things, He is
standing in the corner
     this is another humiliation thing for me...it just takes me back to when i was a child and i was made to stand in the corner...i hate not being able to move or talk and this is a combination of both of those for me...so this is a terrible punishment especially when i can hear something going on and i want to see it but i cant----like a good tv show

Masochism
being bitten
     being bitten to me makes it all worthwhile because i can show off proudly the mark that my Master left...it lets me know that im loved and that im His if He is willing to mark me with His own bite mark
belts(being beaten with one)
     i dont hate it but i dont exactly like it either...when faced with the choice to choose between this or a harsher punishment implement...id gladly choose this one
hairbrush spankings
     granted i hate it but love it at the same time....there is just something about how Master spanks me with it then uses it to play with my pussy more and more until i cant take it anymore...there's so much heat coming from my pussy and so much heat coming from my butt that it just overpowers me
sensory deprivation
     i love it when i lose the senses when Master is playing with me...at first i didnt like too much the idea of losing the ability to see, but after experiencing it i realized that i loved being immobilized and not being able to see what Master is doing to me...it turned me on that much more and made me jump with everything He did
whipping
     i havent officially been whipped yet because the one i got Master is just a play one, but i think it hurts like crap anyways i wouldnt want to see what the real one felt like....either way i like the way it feels but hate it at the same time...i think im slightly into pain but i cant do a whole lot of it
wooden paddles
     these just make me think of what it would be like being a sorority pledge and getting a spanking from the paddle as part of the intiation although i know that kind of stuff "doesnt happen" on college campuses, lol i know it does its just not talked about

Bondage
blindfolds
     again i like the feeling of not knowing what is about to happen to me...it makes it that much more sensuous for me...id love to try it one night where im handcuffed together and unable to move and gagged and blindfolded and Master just has fun....i love the idea of a blindfold :)
bondage(light)
     havent really tried any bondage yet but i would love to...id love to see what its like to be tied up and unable to move certain body parts
bondage(heavy)
    hmmmm....wonder what itd be like unable to move or tied in a certain position as punishment for a little while....im sure Master could get real creative with this
cages/confinement(locked inside of)
    in all honesty in the past i would have completely flat out said no to this, but i find it funny in a way....it would be something cool to try to at least say i tried it...i trust Master and know that He would keep me safe, but i honestly cant say flat out no to this idea anymore...i may laugh and tell Master no but id at least give it a try if He wanted to try it
chains
     i wonder what these would feel like on me....always wondered what it would feel like and it just seems like something i could see myself in
closets(being restrained within)
     this just seems like fun to me...Master takes a few hours out of His day to tie me up in the closet for something i was supposed to do or some kind of punishment and plays with me and teases me for hours before taking me out and using my pussy as long as He can showing me that im His lil one to do with whatever He wants
cuff restraints
     to me these would seem weird wearing at first, but i think i would be able to wear them and get used to them...they kind of seem cool too
gags/mouth bits
     i like the idea of being gagged and that no matter how hard or how loud i try to scream...nobody is going to hear me except Master and He hears nothing but a muffled portion of whatever it is im trying to say or scream
handcuffs/shackles
     this would be amazing to feel what its like to wear my own handcuffs and be restrained by them...of course the only one to have the keys would be Master...besides you gotta wear your own cuffs to know how they work dont you?

"This aint no thinking thing, right brain left brain, it goes a little deeper then that...."

   So thinking on things in the past, i have come to realize that there is a new beginning going to start here. Medically my past is full of lots of illnesses, but im hoping this will be a new chance for Master and myself. Hopefully this is the beginning of the new and improved me. I have made vows before to make things better for myself, but i think this is really the beginning of something special for me. Honestly i know Master will help me with whatever i ask of Him to do.
   Looking at my eating habits, i have realized they arent exactly the healthiest in the world. Add onto that my low exercise, or really no exercise routine right now, then you get a bad lifestyle. Master says it often enough to me that i am not fat at all and i know im not fat, but i also know that i have gained weight recently from all the medicines that i have been on. He thinks im beautiful, but i dont think im as beautiful as He sees me. This is honestly the heaviest that i have ever been. I know that scales can be a little off when you go to the doctor's office because of the difference in what you're wearing and a whole lot of other factors. Either way to me i dont like being at this weight.
   Weight hasnt usually been an issue for me, but when i fit into the smaller sizes i felt good because i was skinny, but still at a healthy weight. Coming home after basic and tech and having people remark on how much weight you lost made me feel good. I liked that i looked skinny but was still at a healthy weight. I wasnt completely over weight nor was i underweight. I was at a good 135 which for my health is right about in the middle of the weight ranges for me from 120 to 160. My goal is to get back down to between 130 and 135 because it seems to be a good weight for me and im still healthy. This will take a lot of diligence for me, but i think if i play into my new craving for sweet potatoes and salad i can do it. Besides that if i really asked Master to do it with me, i think He would. I think i may try to start up the p90x even if it means just doing the core workouts and the ab workout to save injuring my knee worse then it is, especially since that's the only pt that im going to be getting for a good little while.
     So also with the new me there are going to be blogs every night. Master brought up a good point the other night when me and Him talked that i was bottling everything in. There are times where i may not know what's bothering me, but it seems that i was disassociating myself from things or in the beginning stages of disassociating myself from the things around me. It scares me because this is part of PTSD and it means that the things in my life are starting to get to me and i wouldnt even know it. So much like Master suggested, even if it isnt about something lifestyle related i will be blogging. It may just be a list of what's bothering me the most at the moment or whatever, but there will be a blog EVERY night no matter how tired i may be.
   The other thing im looking at is reviewing the things that i like. This doesnt mean that im changing any of the likes that i have for the lifestyle, but i think since we have had to put it on hold because of my health concerns. As things slowly wind back down and i may or may not have a diagnosis this coming week, i find that there is a need for relooking at everything in my life and find out if there is more i want or less or keep it the same. Honestly, i highly doubt i will want this because despite being sick i find myself craving the lifestyle. I have found that i cant live without it and have asked Master a few times as to why nothing was going on and asked Him to get more into the lifestyle because i felt lost. When im not in it, it is like im missing a whole part of myself and im just not whole. It has been a little bit over a year since i have become exclusively involved in the lifestyle and i find that i need another look at what i like and dont like. There are a lot of things that i think have changed since i have been with Master. Not only that there are some other things that i wish to be more a part of our lives if possible. Hopefully Master likes this idea, but it will take some time to think on it and it may be a new post for sure.
   Other then the things posted above, that is all the new news for now. Now im off to find out what exactly my interests are in the lifestyle and find out what exactly has changed and what has stayed the same. Who knows there may be quite a few more revelations with this self-reflection then i ever thought. I can only hope that it brings out the even better side of me then what i have seen now.

is it April fools day again?

   So as of late last night, the news announced that Osama bin Laden was dead. The first time i saw it was on facebook and i honestly thought it was some sort of joke that people were just being funny and playing a new sort of game to try and punk people out. It seems that this wasnt true....it wasnt a joke at all but very real life.
   The president announced to us that he was in fact dead and DNA tests confirmed it. He died in Pakistan and was killed by covert soldiers that were taught the best in how to fight. :D I cant believe how good it feels to know that he is dead, but i cant help but feel a sense of dread with this new news. The military is now placed on a heightened sense of alert and there are also more safety precautions that are going to be initiated at the bases. I know for a fact that this is going to make my job just that much more harder to do and a lot more high stressful. I am honestly nervous as to where this new future is going to steer us. Hopefully it means that our military can at least come home out of Afghanistan because i understand that in Iraq we are in the process of trying to help them rebuild their military.
   My other concern is more faith based. It seems that maybe this will either bring some more peace to around the world or chaos. Either way i think that i am going to start examining my faith a little bit more because i have realized that i have become a little bit lax in it and just brushed it off with everything going on. I would pray to Him when i felt like it and others would just be when i felt that it was needed to give Him a moment of praise. I think though that He deserves all the praise for everything in my life whether it is the good or the bad because He knows the plan for my life and i have to endure some struggles and hardships to get to the truly good things in life. This is especially true for me because i had to go through so many rotten apples before i found Master. He is the most amazing man in my life and i really do thank God for every day that i get to spend in His arms. Tonight will feel even more extra special going to sleep laying in His arms. I find myself wanting to give back more and become a little bit more faith based then what i have been in the past. In the past i have said that i would start reading my bible more and just pray to God before every meal and at night before i went to bed but somehow it fizzled out. Well not this time. :D Im determined to keep this goal and to push forward. I think there will be a lot of watching "Facing the Giants" in my future to remind me just how thankful I should be for everything and that God always does things in His own time. I may not know what it is, but He will reveal it in due time. For now all i ask is that He allows me to enjoy every moment that i spend with Master.

Im not too sure what to think....

   After a comment from Master earlier today, im honestly not too sure what to think anymore. Things lately have been so hectic that we had to come back up and visit family. We remarked the other day that it felt good to just get in the car and go somewhere and take a trip. We hadnt taken a trip just to go somewhere in forever because of all my health issues and concerns, which is where the root of everything going on right now is.
    So I have to explain all that has gone on since the last post. Currently i have been facing a massive headache, or head pain as we are now referring to it, for almost six weeks now. It's crazy to think something like that could last that long, but thats not the only thing plaguing me. There have been boughts of puking my guts up, dizzyness, lightheadedness, losing my balance, my inability to walk without falling to the right side, side pain, and issues breathing. It's been a crazy road and there is just so many twists and turns that's it is hard to figure out what is going on. As of today there has been numerous blood tests done as well as urine tests. There has been enough blood taken from me to fill up about four to five bags you'd donate. Nothing has been found and everything has come back normal.
   With all this going on and nothing being found it has been frustrated for me. My frustration has transferred into my actions and i feel that it has been hitting our relationship the hardest. A lot of the time i am getting frustrated because there is something seriously wrong with me and i have been through so many doctors visits but nothing is being found. Trying to get a refill on my pain medication recently i was informed that neither of the people that i had to get it from could do it. The doctor couldnt do it because i was being seen by the neurologist and the neurologist cant do it because he doesnt write prescriptions for pain medications. Being torn between the two i feel that now im stuck in limbo and they have pretty much given up on me and trying to figure out whats wrong. There is no okay well its not this, let's try another test and keep going from there. There is no reason that a completely healthy and fit young woman should suddenly turn ill and have 8 ER visits, including being hospitalized on one of those, for all these issues and not have something wrong. Sometimes, i guess, you just have to leave things alone but i just feel alone even though i know Master is there fighting with me.
   The thing with all of this is i know that Master is here to fight this battle with me, but both of us are at a loss as to what to do. This medical condition is beyond His expertise and He is doing what He can to help. There is just confusion as to what to do or even how to go about trying to move on to another specialist to get tested for anything else.
    So with all that going on, there is major frustration at times between Master and i. Looking back on things, i hate that i am making Master feel the way that i am. He is always doing everything in His power and trying to help however He can. He has been with me through every doctor's visits and is just trying to keep me laughing when all i feel like is crying. Lately my emotions have been so out of whack and my libido is not really there according to Him.
    Wondering what the deal is, i kind of wonder if maybe we need to delve back into the lifestyle a little bit more then what we are right now. There hasnt been a true punishment for me since the time i got punished for mouthing off a comment to Master over a grocery list. Now im not saying that He is slacking by no means because there are many times that i have gotten "the look". He is most defnitely still in control, but i think my subconscious is wanting to see more. He is always there and keeps me in check, but now im wondering if maybe this will help my situation and keep me from lashing out at Him like i have.
    Master has always pushed me to do everything that i can and im wondering if maybe i need another push again. There is the craving for a good spanking, not just because ive been bad but because i need it. Its not about want anymore, its become a need. The only thing with this is how do i approach Master about the lifestyle situation. Being in the lifestyle has always brought a sense of calm to me and knowing that Master is in control of everything is such a relief to me. When we first started talking i remember Him mentioning that He didnt completely like the 24/7 because He didnt want to micromanage me, but i honestly think that for now i need the structure something like that would bring. Not to say things have gotten lax, but i feel that im getting away with a little more and that may be because im sick, but i dont know. Now this isnt saying that He hasnt been correcting me occasionally when i go off on Him for something or say something wrong because He does, but i feel that there isnt as much structure as there was when we first started talking. Or maybe i am looking at getting a little more into the lifestyle, who knows. All i know is there is for sure a need to be tied up, taken, used, spanked til i cant take it anymore or my butt is a very deep red, placed in the corner like a bad girl, gagged so He only hears muffled moans or whimpers and so many other things that i just cant think of all of them. So many things i want to experience that i havent yet, but want to so bad especially the being tied up and taken like He usually does. He is the only man that i would ever trust to tie me up in some way to where i couldnt hide or move away from His blows or expert tongue and other things without causing me harm, especially after my bad past.
    How do you approach someone and tell them that you want them to take more control then what they already have? Master has already been given all the power that i can give Him. He holds the keys to my heart and has often punished me when i stepped out of line. The whole micromanaging deal i dont want, but i really do want more power and control on things. Granted i think on a lot of things He has left for me to do, but i feel that i have slipped on a lot of things. Like today, He made the comment asking if we had done away with the rule of putting my hand on His lap while we were driving. With my new concerns, i kind of wonder if He will understand where i am coming from and embrace my need for this change especially with everything going on. He has always addressed my concerns and i love that fact. He always wants to hear what i think and i know for sure this will be nothing different. So i can only try and explain things and see where we go from there.
    With everything going on though, aside from my feelings on the lifestyle i am pledging a new promise to myself that from now on i will not let Master's playing with me get to me. It seems that i am taking a lot of it too personal and i dont ever want Him to think that He cant mess around with me. It hurt my heart a lot today when He told me that He felt as if everything He was doing for me wasnt being appreciated. It hurt so bad to know that He felt this way because i know that He is doing everything in His power to help me with my health concerns and my job and just keeping everything running. Crazy enough with everything going on that i havent done worse to Him(and i hope i havent yet and that i wont in the future), but i know that He loves me and knows everything that has happened in my past. Conquering my past hasnt been easy and it makes me not act like me when i let it conquer me, but i hope Master can forgive me when thesse moments make me act like a red headed stepchild. Now the thing is, can He help me keep this promise to myself?
   My hope is that this promise holds true and i know i will fight with every ounce of my being to make it true. I dont ever want Him to think He isnt appreciated at all and i also want to make sure that He knows everyday just how much i love Him and appreciate everything He is doing for me. He is the light of my life and i would give anything for Him.
   Master and i are supposed to talk tonight so hopefully we can talk about the lifestyle thing. We're also going to talk about him being appreciated and how He felt about things. :) Honestly, i hope it goes well and im sure we will get a lot of feelings out of it. There is a new chapter that is about to open in our lives and i think there are a few people that arent going to be in it too. (more on that one to come at a later date when i have plenty of time to rant and rave on here about family and everything with that)

Thinking on myself...

   So lately there has been a lot of talk as to whether or not im depressed when trying to figure out why i am having this massive headache that has lasted for three weeks straight. Personally i honestly dont think i am depressed at all, but this one neurologist seems to think so. Granted there is a difference between when i go home and spend time with my family and when i come back down here with Master to work.

   This has gotten me thinking that there is a lot of change in my life. Writing in this blog pretty much got put on the back burner because everything else was going on, but Master thinks it might be a better idea for me to start writing again. Honestly i think that He is right. It might better help me process everything that is going on and vent frustrations and annoyances and other things. There are so many things that come up with my job that frustrate me and planning this wedding, while trying to take into account my family's annoyances with various setups is enough to give any person a headache.

    Looking back on when things first started, i realize that i somewhat feel like i have lost myself along the way with all these changes that have been made. Going back home to visit family allows me to find myself again because there is no stress hanging over my head and i dont feel like im playing soldier every minute of every day. Dont get me wrong, i love my job but it seems there is a good bit of stress with it. Knowing that i am submissive and that Master is in charge of me is one of the few things that i can count on. There is a huge feeling of not knowing who i really am because since things started with us, there hasnt been a lot of the lifestyle in our lives. Now being the good girl that i have always been, it is hard for me to ask Master for what i really want. There are times that i feel i just need a spanking to maintain the order and remind me(subtly i guess is a way to describe it) the status quo of things and to help me remember that all is right in the world. Granted, i know that everything is alright but i guess i go through withdrawals when i dont have a lot of lifestyle things happening such as a spanking or just being reminded that i am Master's lil one and serve to please Him.
    Reading a fellow blogger's writing, i have come to realize that maybe there are things that Master doesnt know about me. Well i can say that maybe He knows, but i havent verbally come out and said it to Him. The two of us are embracing a new thing called complete and open honesty. In the past when Master asked me a question, i would give Him a half hearted answer or just kind of blow Him off. It wasnt meant to come off like i was avoiding the question, but to me now it kind of was like i was avoiding it. So i agree to be completely honest with Master. When He asks what is wrong or what i said, i will tell Him no matter what it means or what it is. So maybe this might take a step in the right direction. Anyways, back to the blog. He was talking about different things submissives want but are afraid to ask for. This is where i get to be completely open and honest with Master. Taking straight from the blog, i feel i should let Him know a few of the things that i crave and wish for but dont have the courage to ask because of the always having to be the good girl, but secretly wanting to be a naughty girl.

   1. There have been a couple times that i have been punished and placed immediately into the corner. Secretly i loved every minute of it. There is just something about knowing your place and having your butt burning and being unable to rub it with your hands on your head in the corner. There is an urge to be punished for talking bratty to you or just being mouthy or a smart-mouth to you, much like the one day where i came back with the comment            "tough, it's going to be that way" where i was promptly given a spanking and placed in the corner. There's the need to be disciplined this way for my stubborn side, random mouthiness, or just comments that shouldnt be made or cussing.

   2.  Another thing is that i long to be writhing on the floor begging to be allowed to cum, but continuously denied by you as the lust builds stronger and stronger. In all honesty, i long to be denied and feel the lust in my lower area. My mind is torn between i want to be denied but i also want to enjoy the feelings all at the same time. There is just such a reward knowing that everything is being controlled by You and any second i can lose that privilage. Just the sound of Your voice can bring me to the edge.                 

3.  My mind longs to be Your sweet little girl who can do no wrong, but at the same time i want to be that naughty little girl that You want to fuck like crazy. You love the heels that i have and comment that You want to fuck me so bad when i wear them. Loving the feeling it brings from that comment, i long to be Your well-behaved
little girl to everyone, but a naughty little one that deserves to be punished and fucked like the bad girl she is too.
                    

  4.  Another thing i long and crave occasionally is the feeling of being tied up and helpless. The feeling of knowing there is nothing that i can do when You play with me or tease me mercilessly is an incredible power. There is just something about hearing that i cant get away and You have my trapped. It makes me think that im such a naughty girl because i want to be played with while tied up, but it
also lets a little bit of the good girl side in me come out too.
                     

   5.  Crazy as it may sound another thing mentioned was being choked, slapped, and pinched until im sore all over. There is something about being so sore and knowing that with that soreness i pleased You in it. It lets me know that You care about me and reasserts that You are in control and able to do anything You want at anytime. The pain from a good fuck session, lets me know that all is right in the world.
                    

   6.  The last thing talked about was that good submissives kind of want a Dom who will mess with their head. In the past i have had my head messed with, but there is a difference between a vanilla relationship that a guy is messing with your head. Master has so much control and love for me that i would trusst Him if He played
with my head. Naturally im not sure what all this entails, but i know that He wouldnt let me wander too far from Him. He would take good care of me.
  
    Throughout everything that i have been through, Master has constantly been there by my side to reassure me that everything will be alright and that He has things under control. There is a constant worry sometimes that all this will get to Him and make Him wonder if things are really going to be okay, but i havent sensed anything like that yet.

   In all honesty, i want to say thank you to Master for being there by my side everytime. He has been there through the crazy emergency room visits and the talks with my flight chiefs and everything with work. When my worst fears are coming true, He reminds me that it will all work out and that there are ways to fix whatever the problem may be. There is a wonder as to what is going on through His head everytime because He hasnt complained one bit through any of this and im positive that my headache lasting this long with no relief has to be scaring Him. How does He do it everyday? Go through the day knowing that He may have to deal with me puking my guts out or even making sure my medicine is okay with me and that i'm not going to get sicker.

    Life has it's own crazy twists and turns, but i think the one thing that has remained steady is the lifestyle arrangement that Master and i have together. Granted i feel somewhat lost because it has been so long since i have been punished for anything, mainly because i have been good for the most part. There is the wonder as to whether or not this might help me become a little more relaxed is being reminded of things. There is no telling, but i know that Master is doing an excellent job at taking care of me and i can only hope that one day i can return the favor because it cant be easy putting up with me when im sick because im a crabby butt and just unbearable when im sick :(. When all this is over it will be a relief and hopefully i can repay Master for every little thing that He has done for me. <3 <3

What a day for sure....

  Today just seems to be overwhelming and not only that I feel like my emotions are being spent all over the place. The only thing that has remained steady in things that have changed so much recently is two things: my headache and my husband and Master being there for me every step of the way.

   Stress levels are at an all time high with not knowing what is going on with me and it seems that there is no good news in sight. After talking with the neurologist this morning, I feel that there is a need for another opinion. There is something going on, but to him he already had it set in his mind what was wrong with me and wasn’t willing to explore any other options. He was telling me that he believe it’s something wrong with work and that I need to lower my hours. He also said that even if I was to take time off just to get better for my health wise, like a week or so, that it wouldn’t benefit me because I would end up having the same problems that im having now. I would just be back in the same situation that I am in now.
   My brain is reeling with this news because my emotions are already torn. Both Master and I know there is something else going on, but that we havent quite hit the money with it yet. All the tests have been done except an MRI and Xrays of my head. Either way there is a possibility that nothing can be found. It’s just the fact that something is wrong when I go from eating normally to not having an appetite at all and feeling like I’m going to puke my guts up. There is something else completely wrong and I wish the doctor’s had an answer as to why I’m having these headaches and dizzy spells.
   Emotions raw from the talk yesterday from work, I am feeling that things are just adding up and adding up. It’s not so much that I’m stressed out about it, but I just feel that there’s a lot to deal with right now. Certainly there is plenty of stress to go around, but it’s not anything that is unusual in this life. Yesterday at work, my supervisor was telling me that they are not completely believing my story that I am having headaches and that I cant work. Thankfully that whole situation was remedied with an appointment with my doctor, but it was still stressful enough hearing someone say that we don’t completely believe you and think you may be abusing the system. With something this serious, how could I possibly be abusing the system. Oh yes, I wanted to be hospitalized for a weekend and have nurses poke and prod me every two hours just for the fun of it. None of this is my idea of fun or how I would want to get a few days off work. I hate being sick and having this headache is even worse.
   Add into all of this that we have a puppy that needs to be trained, there is more stress. She is in the chewing stage and has apparently chewed up a pair of Master’s shoes and my bra and some other things. My feelings are complete numbness in a way after hearing this news. I feel in a way that some of it is my fault because I asked him to get a puppy and we went searching after the first emergency room visit. The promise was that I could get one after I got better, but I feel that I didn’t hold up my end of the bargain. I’m not better and she is tearing up things left and right. It’s either she’s trying to eat something she’s not allowed to or she is peeing everywhere in the house. I swear we have a beach towel that smells like her piss all the time. Crazy because she is a puppy, but don’t get me wrong it is a lot to handle. I feel that maybe I jumped the gun too soon and we should have waited to get a dog. A part of me wonders how Master really feels about having the dog now. She is a really sweet and loving dog, it’s just she likes teething on a lot of things and pees everywhere in the house.
   It’s crazy how all these emotions unfold through the days and the only thing that really matters to me is that Master and I are okay and my health gets better. The second opinion might not reveal anything else, but I’m hoping that he doesn’t say the same thing this doctor says. Granted I could possibly be depressed, but I think my headache is some other kind of issue. I don’t know what it is, but I just know that it’s something not related to depression. If it was, I wouldn’t have had the relapse that I had yesterday. Oh well, I guess I can only hope and pray that the doctor will find out what’s going on with me. Until then, I have to make it through work and will be spending the next couple days relaxing with Master and just trying to get better. And taking my medication as I’m supposed to